Pearls Before Swine | Search

LISTEN, PIG... THIS WHOLE COW TERRORISM THING IS GOING TOO FAR... IT'S JUST ABSURD.
THAT'S WHAT I USED TO BELIEVE. BUT THINK ABOUT IT... TERRORISTS ARE COWARDS. AND COWARDS STARTS WITH 'COW'.
OHMYGAA. PIG... PLEASE. THE SAME WORD ENDS WITH 'ARDS'. SO WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?
PIG TO BASE: BEWARE OF ARDS.
ROGER THAT, AGENT PORKY.
I GIVE UP.

THIS IS ABSURD. PIGS GUARD DUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES COINS ARE GLOBAL TERRORISTS?
YEP. AND HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS. DID YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM DESTROYED CHICAGO?
THAT WAS A FIRE. AND IT WAS OVER A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. AND THE COIN DIDN'T START IT INTENTIONALLY!!!
WELL, I'D SAY THAT'S OPEN TO INTERPRETATION.
OH MY GOSH, THIS IS INSANE! OKAY, SUPPOSE COINS WERE THE ENEMY AND WE ARRESTED ALL OF THEM... WHERE EXACTLY WOULD YOU IMPRISON THESE MILLIONS OF COINS?!?
I CALL IT GUANTANAMOOOOO.

I HEAR PIG'S GUARD DUCK IS WITHDRAWING FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN AND REDEPLOYING.
YEAH. HE SAYS THERE'S A NEW ENEMY THAT'S MOBILE AND CAN LIVE OFF THE LAND. THEY PRODUCE VAST QUANTITIES OF NITROGEN AND THEY'RE ALREADY OPERATING IN OUR COUNTRY.
OH, MY GOD. WHO IS IT?
COWS. THEY HATE YOUR FREEDOM.
HOW DARE THEY.

Pearls will be back after this commercial break.
SIP SIP
GULP GULP GULP GULP
BAM BAM BAM
SWIPE
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
PEOPLE DO NOT BEAT EACH OTHER FOR A BEER IN THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY DO IN THE DANNY DONKEY VERSION.
RUN, YOU THIRSTY DONKEY, RUN!

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?
JUST THE HOUSE SETTLING.
NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR DREAMS, HOUSE!!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
THAT OUGHTA BUCK UP HIS SPIRITS.

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
I will be sad.
you stupid
PIG. THAT’S
NOT HOW
YOU TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY.
HOW
DO YOU
TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY?
Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
you’ll be
HEARING
FROM MY
cousin Guido
THAT
SEEMS
AGGRESSIVE.
p.s. we are
not above
BREAKING
FAIRY
LIMBS.

HI, ZEBRA... IT'S ME, PIG.
HI, PIG. WHAT'S UP?
WELL... ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
OH, MY GOD... NO. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM. AND IT'S SO DARN COMFY.
PLEASE DON'T START YOUR CONVERSATIONS THAT WAY.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST COMFY?

HELLO. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE, JUST CALLING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE A DENTAL CLEANING SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW.
SORRY. CAN'T MAKE IT.
AND WHY IS THAT?
THE SITUATION IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
SOMEONE'S GONE THROUGH MY WALT WHITMAN BOOK AND CROSSED OUT BIG CHUNKS OF EVERY POEM WITH A SHARPIE!
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
BECAUSE ALL POETRY IS BEST READ TWITTERIFIED.
WALT WHITMAN WAS NOT LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS!
Ohhh. BUT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

HEY, GOAT... WHERE
WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
I WENT TO THE PARK. IT
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. THE
SUN WAS JUST SETTING
AS I GOT THERE AND
IT WAS REFLECTING OFF
THE LAKE. SOMETIMES
THAT PLACE IS--
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
WHAT?
YOU'VE
REACHED
140
CHARACTERS.
THIS
IS
NOT
TWITTER.
PIPE DOWN.
YOU'VE
BEEN
TINTIFIED.

HELLO?
STEPHAN, IT'S YOUR MOTHER. WHERE ARE YOU?
MOM, I'M IN HAWAII. I TOOK A COUPLE WEEKS OFF.
YOU'VE BEEN READING YOUR STRIPS LATELY?
NO. NOT AT ALL. WHY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD! THE PIG IS DEAD! THE ZEBRA IS DEAD! THE DUCK! THE CAT! THE CROC'S! THEY ARE IN SOME STUPID 'WONDERLAND' PLACE! THEY'RE GETTING EATEN BY SOME STUPID "CATERPILLAR" THING!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS WEEK'S STRIPS ARE ABOUT GUARD DUCK AND SOME COW'S!!
THINK AGAIN. MY IDIOT SON.
WELL, WHO THE HECK IS DOING MY STRIP WHILE I'M GONE?!?
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
PIPE DOWN, FATTY. I'M TAKING THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' KIDS.

Raterpillar has killed all of the other "Pearls" characters. Still not sated, he searches for one more "Pearls" morsel.
No No No No No No No No No No
And finds it.
Mmmm... Cartoonist sushi.

Grown large through the consumption of a magic eggplant, the Raterpillar descends into madness and eats Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
And the soldiers.
And the Cheshire Snuffles.
And the Queen.
And the Mad Ducker.
And the zebra.
And a goat.
Whoa Whoa Whoa. I wasn’t even in this story.
Insensitive to continuity errors, the Raterpillar eats him anyways.
Plotline schmotline.

A confused and lost Zebra wanders through Wonderland, helped not at all by Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
Go this way.
Go that way.
He is soon put to sleep by an aromatic fog...
...blown by the Raterpillar.
Want a puff?

STORY UPDATE
Zebra has eaten Larry
Mmmm... Tastes like chicken
His crime witnessed by the Mad Ducker and the Cheshire Snuffles, he is arrested by the soldiers of the Queen
Who gives her verdict on the killing of Larry
WOOHOO!!

LARRY! ZEEBA NEIGHBA!!
WELL NOW, LARRY, I GUESS THE TABLES ARE TURNED.. I SUPPOSE NOW YOU’RE THE PREY.
Hey hey hey, leesten... Me know mebbe we no see eye-to-eye een past, but me you wan’t say one ting...
Me love you, maaaaan.
Champ
Champ
Munch
Champ
Munch

AHHH!! Where is me? Me want out! Me want oooouttt!!!
Okay, calm you face, Barry, calm you face... Dreenk beer. Life empeove. Barry escape.
Ahhhhhhhh!! Now me smaller den hamster! How can barry life geet any wosser??
WHERE AM I ?

WHERE THE @#%* ARE
YOU GOING?
THERE'S A BULLFIGHT
GOING ON
DOWNTOWN.
A BULLFIGHT?! I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO SEE A BULLFIGHT!
PUT 'EM UP, MIKE.
I'LL BREAK YOUR
NOSE, CHIP.
I EXPECTED
MORE.
YOUR MAMA
IS SOOOO
FAT.
I KNOW YOU
ARE. BUT
WHAT AM I?

WHY'D YOU WANT TO COME TO THE ZOO, ZEBRA?
THE CITY NABBED THAT STUPID CROC NEIGHBOR OF MINE AND STUCK HIM IN HERE. I WANT TO SEE HIS SAD FACE.
CLIVE! IT'S THE LOOSE ZEBRA SOMEONE PHONED IN! GRAB HIM! QUICK!
I WANTED HIS POPCORN.

LARRY HAS FALLEN DOWN A LONG GOPHER HOLE. HE IS LOST. HE IS CONFUSED AND CURIOUS AND GETTING CURIOSER. WE SHALL LIGHT A CANDLE FOR POOR LARRY.
WE SHALL BLOW IT BACK OUT.

HERE'S YOUR CASE OF BEER, LARRY. ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU?
Yeah, Clive, me got huge gopher hole. Pleeze fill. Me might hunt for zeeba today and me no want to trip and --
BAM BAM
WHAM
BOOM
THUD
You one ugly zeeba.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU DIE?
GOOGLE IT.
GUYS, GOOGLE ISN'T SOME ALL-POWERFUL, ALL-KNOWING GOD... THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT NOT EVEN GOOGLE CAN HELP YOU WITH.
WHICH THINGS ARE THOSE?
GOOGLE IT.
I GIVE UP.
ALL PRAISE TO THE GOOGLE!

OKAY, PIG. I'VE PUT TOGETHER OUR BUDGET FOR THE YEAR. HAVE A LOOK...
FOOD: $4,000
BEER: $4,500
POOL TABLE: $2,400
FLATSCREEN TV: $2,600
EXPENDITURES: $13,500
INCOME: $2,000
$11,500 (SURPLUS)
WOW! WE CAN AFFORD TONS OF STUFF. AND HAVE MONEY LEFT. HOW DID YOU CALCULATE OUR INCOME?
OH. I EXPLAINED IT ALL NEXT TO THAT ASTERISK BELOW.
*Rob bank
MAYBE WE DON'T NEED A POOL TABLE.
SHUT UP AND PUT ON YOUR STOCKING.

Hello?
Hi, ma'am. This is the city zoo. Just wanted to let you know we picked up your husband this morning and put him in the zoo.
WHAT?! HE'S A CROCODILE! YOU CAN'T JUST PULL HIM FROM HIS HOME AND CONFINE HIM LIKE THAT! HE'S GOT A WIFE AND A SON! WHAT'S A PREDATOR LIKE THAT GONNA DO BEHIND BARS?!
atch the arty chuq – BEER
GLUG GLUG GLUG

The Adventures of Elly Elephant
by Rat
Elly Elephant played with the blocks.
With these blocks, I will build something beautiful, she said...
I will build a block sculpture so wonderful that people will pause and weep.
And they will hug the person next to them. And the hugs will spread...
and there will be love.
And wars will end. And hate will fade. And all of humankind will realize through this one work of art that they have more in common than their countries and governments and religions and traditions have led them to believe.
Elly Elephant took a break from her blocks to watch the news.
Elly Elephant played with blocks.