Pearls Before Swine | Search

Elly Elephant was the sweetest elephant who ever lived.
Every day when she awoke, she told herself, "Today I will make someone else's life better."
So Elly Elephant gave money to friends.
I'll give you more, Howard.
She did favors for relatives.
I'll help you, mom.
Thank you, Elly.
And she helped all of her neighbors.
I'll mow your lawn.
One day Elly Elephant's house burned down. "It is okay," she said, "because I have friends and relatives and neighbors. They will help me as I have helped them."
But no one came.
So Elly Elephant gathered her few belongings and followed her friends and relatives and neighbors.
And pounced on their heads.
Pounce Pounce Pounce
Pounce Pounce
IS THIS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK CHARLIE THE TUNA IS WRITING NOW THAT YOU'VE CALLED THE NEW WINNIE THE POOH??
YEAH, IT'S LIKE WINNIE THE POOH IF HE WEIGHED MORE AND COULD KILL PEOPLE.
CHAPTER TWO... ROO IS MISSING AND KANGA IS SKINNED.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I REALIZE I WON'T BE APPRECIATED IN MY OWN TIME.
BUT I CARE NOT, BECAUSE I DON'T SPEAK TO YOU... I SPEAK TO THE AGES... ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU COOPERATE WITH THE BEVY OF FUTURE BIOGRAPHERS.
OH, I'LL SPEAK TO THE BIOGRAPHERS.
YOU NEVER MET ME.

THE CROCS GET THE BOMB
I'M SORRY, BUT ARE YOU GUYS REALLY BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS?
PLEASE. WE'RE TRAINED PROFESSIONALS... SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP OFFENDING US AND TELL US WHERE THE BOMB IS.
MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

WHERE YOU BEEN THIS MORNING, RAT?
HELPING ZEBRA. THE CROCS GOT THE BOMB.
THE BOMB? OH, NO! IS HE GONNA DIE?
RELAX, BACON BUTT... FOR A COUPLE $'S, I HOOKED HIM UP WITH A CRACK TEAM OF BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS... REAL PROS... THEY SHOULD BE THERE ANY MINUTE.
HOWDY-DO.

YAAAWN...AWW...AHH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING...
I'LL DRINK A LITTLE COFFEE...GET THE PAPER...BE NICE AND READY TO FACE THE–
PERHAPS I'LL SKIP THE PAPER.

RAT SAID YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT NUCLEAR BOMBS.
NOT ANYMORE, PIG. I DID SOME RESEARCH AND NOW REALIZE THAT SOME GROUP HAVING THE BOMB IS IRRELEVANT IF THEY DON'T HAVE A DELIVERY SYSTEM.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
THEY HAVE TO HAVE A WAY TO FIRE IT AT YOU... IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CAN JUST DELIVER IT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR.
Reeng doorbell.
You reeng doorbell.

DID YOU SEE THIS REPORT ON THE RUSSIANS SELLING ADVANCED WEAPONS SYSTEMS TO PRACTICALLY ANY NATION THAT WANTS THEM?
SO?
SO THEY COULD END UP IN THE WRONG HANDS.
DUDE, I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT ANY GROUP THAT WANTS A MISSILE CAN NOW JUST WALK UP TO THE RUSSKIES AND BUY ONE.
Does you take Visa?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Crocs do 'Shakespeares For Da Masses.' Me recite Shakespeares in oreeginal language and Bob follow wid translation for modern audience. Have leesten....
'Ahem
'Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.'
'SHUT YOU FAT MOUF!'
I THINK IT LOSES SOMETHING.
Hey... you not shutting mouf.

PIG, YOU AND I HAVE BEEN ARGUING A LOT LATELY. I THINK IT'S TIME WE TRY TO REACH A FAIR CONSENSUS.
WHAT'S A CONSENSUS ?
IT'S WHERE WE GET TOGETHER AND I STATE MY OPINION AND YOU STATE YOUR OPINION AND THEN WE AGREE TO MY OPINION.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
BELIEVE ME... I LISTEN CAREFULLY TO YOUR OPINION BEFORE I MOCK IT.

HEY, YOU STUPID IL' GUARD DUCK. YOU'RE LOOKIN' A LITTLE THIN.
YES. I'M ON A HUNGER STRIKE, BOB. IT'S YET ANOTHER SHOW OF MY COMMITMENT TO A PEACE-LOVING NONVIOLENT MEANS OF GETTING YOU TO KINDLY BE A BETTER NEIGHBOR.
YEAH, WELL, I WON'T BE DOING THAT, MR. GANDHI, BUT I MIGHT START EATING MY BIG, TASTY KAHUNA BURGERS RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOUR SAD, LITTLE DUCK FACE.
AND THEN I BLEW UP HIS HOUSE AS NON-VIOLENTLY AS POSSIBLE.

I THINK PIG'S GUARD DUCK IS GETTING A LITTLE TIRED OF PIG'S INSISTENCE ON CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE.
THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO STOP THEIR NEIGHBOR FROM PARKING IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE?
NO. THEY GAVE UP ON THAT. NOW, THEY JUST WANT HIM TO RE-PAINT HIS HOUSE FROM BRIGHT PURPLE TO SOMETHING MORE NEUTRAL, AND I THINK GUARD DUCK FINDS IT HUMILIATING.
WHY IS IT HUMILIATING?
ALL WE ARE SAAAYING IS GIVE BEIGE A CHAAANCE...

PIG'S GUARD DUCK HAS BEEN PRACTICING CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE TO TRY AND STOP OUR NEIGHBOR BOB FROM ALWAYS PARKING IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE.
CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE? WHAT KIND OF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE?
HE BLOCKS NEIGHBOR BOB'S DRIVEWAY BY LYING DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
AND HOW'S IT GOING?
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME HE'S BACKED OVER ME, SIR.
PATIENCE, LI'L BUDDY.

HEY, RAT, CHECK THIS OUT. IT'S A BOOK ON SOMETHING CALLED "CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE". IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR WAY USING PEACEFUL, NON-VIOLENT MEANS.
WHY YOU READING THAT?
SO I CAN TEACH IT TO OTHERS. I'M GONNA TRY TO SUMMARIZE THE TACTICS IN A ONE-PAGE MEMO.
AND GIVE IT TO WHO?
AND IF YOU WON'T STOP PARKING IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE, I WILL SIT ON YOUR LAWN AND SING KUMBAYA.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I'VE BEEN THINKING, AND I'VE CONCLUDED WE'D BE BETTER OFF LIVING SOMEWHERE WHERE WE DON'T HAVE NEIGHBORS ALL AROUND US.
YEAH, YOU MEAN MOVE OUT TO THE COUNTRY WHERE WE CAN GET SOME LAND?
I MEAN TEAR DOWN OUR NEIGHBORS' HOMES.
YOU AND I ARE RARELY ON THE SAME PAGE, ARE WE, SIR?

Danny Donkey was angry at the comics page.
So Danny Donkey went looking for some of the veteran cartoonists. He found them out on the golf course.
Be relevant to my life, he pleaded with them.
What's wrong with them?
LOTS of people like golf.
Golf!
I just thought golf might keep me from making more gags.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
NO MORE GAGS.
AND WITH THAT, DANNY DONKEY fell to his knees, and the veteran cartoonists hit him with their golf clubs.
WAH! BAM!
GACK!
SLAM!
OKAY, THEN.
MORE GAGS FROM 1952.
HUH?
WHEN THE MUSIC DIED.
The Walkman.
Surfin!
Nixon.
Hoola hoops!
Golf!
"IS THIS AN UPLIFTING TALE OF THE AMERICAN COMICS PAGE?"
DANNY DIES AND DOESN'T HAVE TO READ 'EM ANYMORE.
HA HA
YAHAHA
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE GOLF GAGS.

Okay, zeeba, crocs has new strategy.
We ees prove we tough by keeling Bob.
Yeah. So een future when we hunt, you ees juss fall down een feer.
Uh. You no have future, Bob.
Me starting rethink strategy, Fred.

I DON'T GET IT. FIRST, MY iPOD IS MISSING... THEN THE T.V... MAYBE IT'S THAT STUPID MAID WE HIRED.
ABBEY?
NO WAY. SHE'S THE GREATEST.
WELL, SOMEBODY'S STEALING OUR GEAR. AND WE KNOW YOUR STUPID BUTTERFLY FRIEND CAN'T FLY AROUND WITH AN EIGHTY POUND T.V. ON HIS GARGANTUAN BACK!!
YOIKS.
THAT'S TROUBLING.

DUDE... MY... IPOD... IS... GONE... I'M ABOUT TO GO FRAKRAK EXPLODE... IF IT WAS THAT STUPID BUTTERFLY YOU LET IN THE HOUSE --
OHHHH... YOU PROBABLY JUST MISPLACED IT. IT'LL TURN UP... WATCH A LITTLE T.V. AND RELAX.
FINE... BUT WHEN I'M DONE, THAT GARFOMAFA IPOD BETTER SHOW UP...

WHAT'S THAT STUPID BUTTERFLY DOING IN HERE?
HEY, HE FLEW IN HERE YESTERDAY! THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD LUCK WHEN A BUTTERFLY FLIES INTO YOUR HOUSE!
WHO CARES?... I DON'T WANT A STUPID BUTTERFLY FLYING IN AND OUT OF MY HOUSE... I'VE GOT VALUABLE STUFF IN HERE.
HAHAHAHA. HE'S A BUTTERFLY, NOT A KLEPTO-MANIAC...

Hey, son.
Whuh you reading?
ROMEO AND JULIET... IT'S FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS.
Oh, yeah? Read me leetle bit.
LO, HERE UPON THY CHEEK
THE STAIN DOTH SIT
OF AN OLD TEAR THAT IS
NOT WASH'D OFF YET.
IF E'ER THOU WAST THYSELF
AND THESE WOES THINE,
THOU AND THESE WOES
WERE ALL FOR ROSALINE.
Dis might be gud time drop out of school.

WHAT IF YOU
GET INTO HEAVEN
AND FIND YOURSELF
SURROUNDED BY
PERKY PEOPLE?
PERKY
PEOPLE ?
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THE KIND OF IDIOTS
WHO INSIST ON
TALKING TO YOU
WHEN YOU FIRST
GET INTO WORK
IN THE MORNING.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S HEAVEN.
I ASSUME THERE'S SOME-
THING THAT
PREVENTS THAT
FROM HAPPENING.
PERKY PEOPLE
GO TO HE...
WHY DO I EVEN-
ADIOS,
YOU
SMILING
LITTLE
GOONS!!

HI THERE, RAT... DID YOU MEET MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS? THIS IS BOB AND THIS IS LARRY.
WHATEVER, DUDE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPID GAMES.
SORRY.
FORGET ABOUT IT... LISTEN, CAN I BORROW TEN BUCKS? I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH FOR LUNCH.
I'D LOVE TO HELP, BUT I HAVE TO SAVE MY MONEY. I GOT A $300 TICKET.
TICKET? FOR WHAT?
DRIVING IN THE CARPOOL LANE YESTERDAY.
YOU DUMB PIG. WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU ONLY NEEDED THREE PEOPLE IN THE CAR TO USE IT.
YOU DO.
WELL, NOW THAT WASN'T OUR EXPERIENCE, WAS IT, BOYS?
I THINK I'LL EAT AT HOME.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... LET'S NOT GO CALLING THE COP A RACIST.

Dear Dr. Smith,
It was wonderful to hear from you today.
It seems you and I are on the verge of something very special!
WHY ARE YOU WRITING A LOVE LETTER TO YOUR DENTIST?
OHH... I'M JUST REPLYING TO THIS LITTLE NOTE SHE SENT ME.
THAT'S A DENTAL REMINDER POSTCARD...
SHE SENDS THEM TO EVERYONE.
Floozy
Dear Dr. *****

DO YOU THINK HUMANITY IS DESTINED TO DESTROY ITSELF?
OH, NO. I BELIEVE IN BUTTERBOY.
WHO THE HECK IS BUTTERBOY?
A GIANT STICK OF BUTTER WHO WILL ARRIVE ONE SUNNY DAY AND SAVE THE PLANET AND RESCUE ALL OF HUMANITY.
A GIANT STICK OF BUTTER WOULD MELT AFTER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES IN THE SUN.
I AM SO BAD AT PICKING RELIGIONS.

HEY, RAT... WE'D LIKE YOUR
ADVICE AS CORPORATE
COUNSEL ON SOMETHING
THE COMPANY IS
CONSIDERING.
DON'T DO
IT. IT WILL GET YOU
SUED.
I HAVEN'T SAID
WHAT IT IS.
NO NEED. AND HERE'S
MY ADVICE IN WRITING
SO EVERYONE CAN
SEE I COVERED MY
FANNY.
DO YOU REALLY
GET TWICE MY
SALARY FOR
DOING THIS?
YO... HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO CHECK
MY FANTASY FOOTBALL
STATS WITH ALL YOUR
YAMMERING?