Pearls Before Swine | Search

IT IS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT…
A SOW LIES AWAKE…
WAITING FOR NEWS…
HIS MOTHER KIDNAPPED…
HER FATE IN THE HANDS OF RESCUERS…
RESCUERS IN WHOM THE YOUNG BOY PLACES HIS COMPLETE FAITH
WHAT CAN ME STAPLE?!!

Okay, son, you ees be happy to know me contact proper authoritees to rescue kidnapped mom...
Dey on way now.
OH, THANK GOD!...WHO'D YOU CONTACT?!? A S.W.A.T. TEAM?? THE F.B.I.??...THE C.I.A.??

Son... He has some news... Mudder get kidnapped?
KIDNAPPED? OHMYGOSH! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO??
Son... son... Peease... Calm down. Dad have step-by-step plan.
OKAY. OKAY... WHAT DO WE DO FIRST?
Debate pros and cons.
LIFE WID MOM GONE
PROS
1) FREEDUM.
2) MORE FREEDUM.
3) FUNN.
CONS
NONE ME CAN TINK OF.
P.S.
SHE'S MY MOTHER. I'D MISS HER.
Hey! Dat our first con.

I have your wife. Will exchange for argument to
leave me alone. Awaiting prompt response.
THANK YOU CARDS

WOOMUN! LARRY NEED CUPPA JOE!
CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE
AT LEAST HE'S NOTICED YOU'RE GONE.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO COME IN HERE TODAY, MR. ...UH...LARRY...AS I'M SURE YOU'VE SURMISED, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SON, JUNIOR ...
HUH? WHAT'D HE DO?
OH, NOTHING, SIR...IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HIM ABOUT HIS HOME STUDY HABITS AND HE SAID THAT SOMETIMES WHEN HE'S READING, YOU COME IN AND SAY...
'BOOKS IS FOR IDIOTS.'
BAH. ME NO SAY NUHTEENG.
WELL, SIR, I'M SURE YOU'D AGREE READING IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE...WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT IT? I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, SIR, BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ, DON'T YOU ..?
OH, PEEESE...OF COURSE ME KNOW, MEESTER ...
PRANCER AND VIXEN.
OOHHH LORD --
ON DONNER! ON BLITZEN!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, ZEBRA?
A PEACE PROPOSAL TO LARRY, THE CROC NEXT DOOR... I'M OFFERING TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING HE WANTS IF HE'LL AGREE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
DOES HE WANT SOMETHING YOU HAVE?
HE BETTER!
LONG STORY.

Hey, Junior... Where you mudder? Me no can find her anywheres.
SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME ERRANDS, BUT SHE'S BEEN GONE ALL AFTERNOON. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
I MEANT TO FIND HER.
Find her? Oh, dat beeg meestake.

EVERY TIME I STARE AT MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, I FEEL SO FAT AND DUMPY.
OH, PIG, WHY?
WHY? LOOK AT HIM.
I THINK HE'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.

HEY, RAT.
IT'S ME, PIG...
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M AT THE HILTON DOWNTOWN...
THE SOCIETY OF ANGRY MISANTHROPES IS HOLDING ITS ANNUAL
'PEOPLE HATERS' CONVENTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE LARGEST GATHERING OF PEOPLE WHO HATE ASSOCIATING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ANYWHERE IN NORTH AMERICA.
OH, YEAH?
HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT.
NO ONE'S LEFT THEIR HOTEL ROOM.
THAT'S AN ODD ORGANIZATION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM GRAND POOBAH OF THE 'BENEVOLENT SOCIETY OF ANGRY MISANTHROPES.'
'BENEVOLENT' MEANS 'GIVING.' 'MISANTHROPIC' MEANS YOU HATE OTHER PEOPLE. WHAT'S 'GIVING' ABOUT A SOCIETY THAT GOES AROUND HATING OTHER PEOPLE?
DOES 'GIVING' WHACKS TO THE HEAD WITH MY GRAND POOBAH IDIOT SCEPTRE COUNT?
NO.
NUTS. IT'S SO DARN SATISFYING.

BEHOLD! I, RAT, HAVE FOUNDED THE ‘BENEVOLENT SOCIETY OF ANGRY MISANTHROPES.’ I AM GRAND POOBAH.
WHAT’S A MISANTHROPE?
AN ELITE CLASS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE WISELY CONCLUDED THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE BAD AND THE CAUSE OF ALL THEIR PROBLEMS.
THAT’S A MISANTHROPE??… THEN WHAT’S THE WORD FOR GUYS LIKE ME WHO THINK THEY’RE GOOD AND HELPFUL?
MISGUIDEDTHROPE.
OOOOOH. WE SHOULD FORM A CLUB.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG. I'VE LEARNED TO
BLOW SMOKE SHAPES WITH MY HOOKAH
PIPE... THIS ONE'S A SHEEP...
WOW!
AND THIS ONE'S A FLUFFY KITTEN...
OH, BOY
KITTY!
AND THIS ONE'S A PUFFY BLOWFISH...
GOSH!
HEY THERE, GUARD DUCK... RAT'S BLOWING
SMOKE SHAPES... WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY?
HAGIA SOPHIA. ISTANBUL, TURKEY.
PERSPECTIVE'S WAY, WAY OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT A JOB. I STAND ON THE SIDEWALK AND HOLD A SIGN.
NEW HOMES
NEW HOMES
MY MAMA RAISED A POLE

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HOOKAH PIPE IS?
THEY'RE THESE BIG CONTRAPTIONS SOME PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE EAST USE TO SMOKE TOBACCO.
SO IF SOMEONE ASKS IF THEY CAN TURN YOUR BEDROOM INTO A HOOKAH DEN, YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO BE POLITE AND SAY YES?
OF COURSE NOT... IT'S YOUR ROOM.
WAS YOUR ROOM, SAYS THE HOOKAH KING.

HEY, PIG.
HOW ARE YOU?
OHH, OKAY, I GUESS... I WENT TO BED REAL LATE LAST NIGHT AND MY HEAD HURTS AND MY THROAT FEELS SORTA--
PIG PIG PIG PIG
WHAT?
"HOW ARE YOU?" ISN’T REALLY A QUESTION.
FOOLED AGAIN.
REMEMBER, BUDDY... I WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

Hey, son... Leesten dis news me juss see in paper... Twenty-four percent of college gradueetes have trubble find jobs.
So?
SO JUNIOR HIGH BEEG WASTE OF TIME!!!
Thanks for the academic encouragement, Dad.
No use beeg words, son. Dey for loosers.

BOMBAST CABLE... CAN I HELP YOU?
YOU WEASELS RAISED MY CABLE BILL AGAIN. LOWER IT NOW OR FACE MY WRATH.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I BELIEVE WE'RE THE ONLY CABLE COMPANY IN YOUR AREA, SO I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
OH, I'VE GOT OPTIONS.

LOOK AT THIS STORY FROM NEW ZEALAND... A MAN GOT ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING ANOTHER MAN WITH A HEDGEHOG. CAN YOU IMAGINE VENTING YOUR ANGER BY THROWING A HEDGEHOG AT SOMEONE? ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS?
DID YOU EAT MY LAST 'DING DONG'?

I'VE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT IN LIFE.
GREAT. MIND IF I JUST EAT MY OATMEAL IN PEACE?
I WANT A SWEET WIFE AND TWO KIDS. I WANT A HAPPY HOME WHERE WE SIT AROUND AT NIGHT PLAYING SCRABBLE.
AND I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD AND SEE EVERYTHING AND WRITE IN EVERY CAFE AND DRINK IN EVERY PUB.
AND DO ANYTHING I WANT AND BE FAMOUS AND CHARISMATIC AND LOVED!
AND I WANT TO BE HELD BY A WIDE VARIETY OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, ALL OF WHOM WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO GO HOME WITH ME!!!
WILL THERE BE ROOM AT THE SCRABBLE TABLE?

I'M FASCINATED BY SLEEP.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S SO MYSTERIOUS... I MEAN, WHERE DOES OUR MIND GO? WHY DO WE DREAM? AND DO WE DREAM WHAT WE DREAM? IS THAT OTHER WORLD REAL? ARE WE COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS? IT'S JUST SUCH A FASCINATING MYSTERY. DON'T YOU THINK?
SNORR...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY EVERYONE THINKS THIS IS SO RISKY.
WHY WHAT'S SO RISKY?
PUSHING THE ENVELOPE.
NOW I SEE WHY.

HIYA, RAT...
WHATCHA EATING?
DONUTS.
WANT ONE?
I'D LOVE ONE.
LICK LICK
LICK
LICK
LICK
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T OFFER.

HEY, DAD... CAN YOU TAKE ME TO GAMESTOP? I WANT TO GET A GAME FOR MY DS.
NO. ME GLUE HEAD TO WALL.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!
PERSONAL GOAL.
MAYBE I'LL JUST ASK MOM.
REMEMBER, SON... ALWAYS SET GOALS EEN LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
DWEEB, WHY DO YOU SAY THAT GAGA AUDI? IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SOME KIND OF PANSY!
PUT PIG BACK IN THE STRIP.
AND DESTROY A WORK OF ART? NO THANK YOU.
I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!!