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KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS
YOU KNOW, KIKO, NOT ONLY DOES NO ONE WANT TO HUG A CACTUS. BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO PROJECTS NEED. DO YOU THINK THAT'S PART OF YOUR PROBLEM?
HUG ME!!
NO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS. HE'S SAD BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HUG HIM.
OF COURSE THEY WON'T HUG HIM. HE'S GOT BIG, SHARP SPIKES THAT WILL STAB WHOEVER HE TOUCHES.
I TOLD YOU PERSONALITY COUNTS FOR NOTHING.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
MOPED MONKEY. I ORDERED IT FROM THE "MONKEY IN A BOX" CATALOG.
WHY DO WE WANT A STUPID MONKEY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S SO DOWN THESE DAYS. I THOUGHT, WHAT BETTER WAY TO CHEER US ALL UP THAN A CUTE LIL' MONKEY ON A MOPED?
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! THERE HE IS! HULLO, LITLE MONKEY GWINKY! WHERE'S YOUR MOPED, LIL' MONKEY GWINKY?
MOPED? I DON'T HAVE A MOPED. I DON'T HAVE SQUAT. MY WHOLE LIFE IS ******.
DUDE, YOU DIDN'T ORDER "MOPED MONKEY." YOU ORDERED "MOPEY MONKEY."
WELL NOW, HE'S NOT AS FUN.
HEY, BUY ME THE MOPED. I'LL DRIVE IT OFF A CLIFF.
ACME MOPED? WHAT'D YOU GOT THERE?

Dear Pixar,
I notice you like to make
movies about sympathetic
main characters you can
root for. Well, I think I've
got one for you.
Tipsy, the alcoholic
petting zoo deer
who bites the hands
off of bad kids.
I'VE GOT A REAL KNACK FOR
FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EXERCISING.
YOU'RE NOT MOVING.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. BUT IT TURNS OUT THE WORLD IS ROTATING TO THE EAST, AND I HAVEN'T SLID BACK TOWARD THE COFFEE TABLE, SO I MUST BE MOVING.
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT LOSING WEIGHT.
HANG ON. I'VE EARNED ANOTHER DONUT BREAK.

IF YOU LOVE A WOMAN, AND YOU THINK SHE OWES YOU, SHOULD YOU CUT OFF THE RELATIONSHIP JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A POOR LETTER WRITER?
NO. I DON'T THINK SO. DO YOU WRITE NICE LETTERS TO HER?
OH, YES. IN MY LAST LETTER, I SAID, 'I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.'
AND WHAT DID SHE WRITE BACK?
'HEALTHY TEETH NEED REGULAR CLEANING.'
ARE ALL DENTISTS THIS UNROMANTIC?

HOW'S YOUR BAND GOING, RAT?
I DID SOME RESEARCH. I FOUND THAT ALL GREAT BANDS HAVE DEAD DRUMMERS... THE WHO... LED ZEPPELIN... YOU GET THE IDEA.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS IF JOHNNY MIGRAINE AND THE BIG DOGS O' DOOM ARE GONNA BE GREAT, WE GOTTA START WITH A DEAD DRUMMER.
WHICH IS NOT REALLY THE TOUR EXPERIENCE I HAD IN MIND.
BONGO! WE DON'T TALK!

SO YOU STARTED A PUNK BAND.
YEP. "JOHNNY MIGRAINE AND THE BIG DOGS O' DOOM."
"BIG DOGS"? AS IN GERMAN SHEPHERDS OR ROTTWEILERS OR SOMETHING?
NO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M JOHNNY MIGRAINE, REBELLIOUS PUNK SUPERSTAR, HERE TO TOUR THE STATES.
OH, GREAT...AND HOW DO YOU REBEL...BY TRASHING YOUR HOTEL ROOM LIKE EVERY OTHER "REBELLIOUS" BAND?
BY KEEPING IT TIDY.
OKAY, THAT IS KINDA REBELLIOUS.
ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!

Elly Elephant wanted a romance.
She wanted a knight.
She wanted brave.
She wanted bold.
She wanted Cary Grant.
She wanted held hands.
She wanted Central Park in the rain.
She wanted intelligence.
She wanted depth.
She wanted long talks before the fire.
She wanted passion and surprise.
Tuxedos and bow ties.
Truth and not the lies.
Hellos and not goodbyes.
One embrace that never dies.
To the tune of heartfelt sighs.
All lost in deep brown eyes.
Unmatured by the cries...
"OPEN YOUR #*&$#*' EYES, REF!!"
Elly Elephant settled for chocolate and a romance novel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
BEING POPULAR.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE POPULAR?
I'M SITTING IN THE POPULAR TREE.
IT'S CALLED A POPLAR TREE.
MIND HELPING ME DOWN SO I DON'T GET A BOO-BOO?

HEY, GOAT... COME ON IN. I JUST FINISHED SETTING UP OUR NEW CAT SCRATCHING POST.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT A CAT.
WE DIDN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU GET A CAT SCRATCHING POST?
SO OUR FERAL BALLERINA WOULD STOP DESTROYING THE FURNITURE.

I'LL BE GOING HOME NOW.

HEY, ZEBRA,
I THINK I JUST
HEARD
A NOISE
FROM UNDER
YOUR FLOOR.
IT'S THE CROCS.
THEY'VE DISCOVERED
THE CRAWL SPACE.
THEY'RE TRYING TO
USE IT TO GET
INTO THE HOUSE.
HOW DO
YOU KNOW
IT'S THEM?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
THEY SMASH THEIR
SNOUTS ON THE FLOOR
JOISTS, THEY TRY TO
DISGUISE WHO
THEY ARE.
Whoa. Me is one huge ant.
OH.
Hey...My
snout
really
hurt,
Floyd.
Shut
mout,
Bob. We
is an*s.

WHAT THE #@%* IS THAT AWFUL
PRIMAL SHRIEKING COMING FROM
OUTSIDE? GO OUT THERE AND
MAKE IT STOP.
SHOO,
FERAL BALLERINA,
SHOO!!
FERAL BALLERINAS ARE QUITE
THE MENACE.

HEY, LOOK, A BALLERINA. I'M GONNA SAY HI.
WAIT, DUDE. I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE KIND YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO. I THINK THAT'S A —
ROWRR
....FERAL BALLERINA.
AND SHE LOOKED SO DOMESTICATED.

THERE'S A GUY AT THE DOOR FROM THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY POOR SWIMMERS HERE IN NEED OF SWIMMING LESSONS.
TELL HIM NO. WE KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
NO.
HE SEEMED DISAPPOINTED.

YO, PASTY PASTIS... HOW'S YOUR MEAGER 'FACEBOOK' FRIEND LIST? SURELY A PITTANCE COMPARED TO MINE.
ACTUALLY, I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU NOW... 'FACEBOOK' DELETED YOUR ACCOUNT.
DELETED IT?? WHY??
I'M NOT SURE, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU CAN HAVE A 'FACEBOOK' ACCOUNT IF YOU'RE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
SO? HOW'S THAT APPLY TO ME??
WHAT?
NOT REAL.
I SEE.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?
SURE.
IN THEORY, THAT DIDN'T HURT.

I AM POPULAR. WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY I AM POPULAR?
NO.
I HAVE STARTED A 'FACEBOOK' PAGE UNDER THE NAME 'PEARLS RAT' AND I CURRENTLY HAVE 475 FRIENDS.
SORRY, RAT, BUT I HAVE A 'FACEBOOK' PAGE TOO AND I'M A LITTLE TOO MATURE TO BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE ON AN INTERNET SOCIAL NETWORK DETERMINES YOUR POPULARITY.
YOUR MOUTH SAYS 'MATURE,' BUT YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND COUNT SCREAMS 'LOSER.'
CHECK, PLEASE.

WHOA. DO YOU THINK WE COULD FAST-FORWARD THROUGH THIS PART OF OUR DVD...?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S JUST THE FBI's ANTI-PIRACY WARNING.
PLEASE DON'T INVITE YOUR PIRATE FRIEND TO OUR HOUSE.
HERE. HAVE A TISSUE.

BAD NEWS. ONE OF YOUR CROCS GOT SHIPPED TO THE "LOVE IS" COMIC STRIP AND ATE THE NAKED GUY. NOW THE NAKED GIRL IS A WIDOW AND THE STRIP'S BEEN RETITLED "LOVE ISN'T."
OHMYGAND! WHAT DID THE NAKED GIRL DO ABOUT THE CROC?
WELL, TURNS OUT SHE WAS ONE HEAT-PACKING MAMA. AND NOW SHE'S GOT A PACKAGE FOR YOU.
'LOVE IS... DOING YOUR OWN TAXIDERMY.'
MIND IF I HANG IT IN MY STUDY?

Well, woomun, me ees ship Burt off to Zeeba house... Now mebbe you shut beeg stroopid wife mouf.
DID YOU PUT AN ADDRESS ON THE PACKING SLIP?
OF COURSE Larry put address on packing sleep! Me write, "To character from comeeic strip who look very slow and weak and eddeeble."
YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, YOU GRACKLE IDIOT.
Whuh...??
Why?!
love is...
...not getting consumed by a reptile.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, LARRY?
Me sheeping Burt to zeeba house. But me keep running out of styrofoam packing peanuts. Me not know what wrong.
Oooooooh... Tummy tummy rumbly.
Peese stop eating styrofoam packing peanuts, Burt.
Name very confusing, Larry.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Me sheeping my cousin Eric to zeeba neighba house. When zeeba open package, Eric pop out, surprise zeeba, keel heem.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE AIR HOLES FOR HIM...HE'S SUFFOCATED BY NOW.
What waste of tape.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ASCETIC MONK. I RENOUNCE ALL THE TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD. I SHALL HENCEFORTH LIVE IN THE FOREST.
HOW WILL I EAT?
I SHALL EAT WHAT THE FOREST PROVIDES. I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH BEAR GRYLLS' "MAN VS. WILD" ON DISCOVERY TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.
BUT YOU'RE SOBER!
NO, FOR IF IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I SHALL CALL THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I CAN WITH MY iPHONE.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA SAY I CAN'T BRING MY `Xbox' OR THIS KEG OF BEER EITHER.
THEN HOW WILL I ENTERTAIN MY DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADER?
I GIVE UP.
YOUR FRIEND IS QUITE THE BUZZ-KILLER.
WE SHALL PRAY FOR HIM.

HI, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, CHI CHI THE CHEETAH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
HE HATES HIS LIFE. HE HATES HIS BODY. HE HATES GETTING UP IN THE MORNING.
WHAT'S HE DO FOR A LIVING?
HE'S A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
STUPID JOB...