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CHECK OUT THIS COMIC... IT'S CALLED "GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD." THE GUY TAKES A NORMAL "GARFIELD" STRIP BUT DELETES GARFIELD, SO YOU'RE LEFT WITH JUST JON TALKING TO HIMSELF... IT'S GREAT.
OHH, GEE... I THINK I PREFER NORMAL "GARFIELD."
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?
SURE.
NO, I WILL NOT DELETE PIG FROM THE STRIP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me watcheng DVD moovie. But he have
de hat.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
Me no can hear dialogue. Stoopid
beeg faet eediot face talk through
whole moovie.
DAD, THAT'S THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY.
IF YOU DON'T WANT IT ON, YOU JUST NEED
TO INDICATE THAT WITH THE REMOTE.
Ohhhhhh... Okay.
SHUT YOU FACE, FAT MAN!!!!
Heyyyy... Dat work pretty gud.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TELEVISION?
HEY, MOM, LET'S READ A BOOK.

RAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY COUSIN SQUIDMO... HE’S A PROFESSIONAL ZEBRA RIGHTS ACTIVIST WHO’S DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO DRAFTING VARIOUS METHODOLOGIES FOR KEEPING ZEBRAS SAFE FROM PREDATORS.
OH, YEAH? LET ME HEAR ONE.

“RUN.”
SQUIDMO MAY NOT BE GIVING YOU YOUR MONEY’S WORTH.

LOOK AT THIS ODD STORY OUT OF PARIS... YOUNG HONEYMOONERS REPORT HARASSMENT
WHAT KIND OF HARASSMENT?
HONEYMOONERS THROUGHOUT PARIS REPORT BEING INSULTED DURING ROMANTIC EMBRACES. THE HARASSMENT OFTEN INCLUDES AN UNWELCOME ESTIMATE OF HOW LONG THE MARRIAGE MIGHT LAST
WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
SIX MONTHS. TOPS.

WHAT IS THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU FIGHTING DUELS?
DUELS WERE A PERFECT- LY ACCEPTABLE WAY OF RESOLVING DISPUTES IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. I'M BRINGING THEM BACK.
YOU'RE FIGHTING DUELS OVER ACORNS AND PARKING SPACES! WHAT ARE YOU, A NUTCASE?!
AN UNFORTUNATE CHOICE OF WORDS.

My dearest love,
It has been six months
since your last, rather
impersonal, note to me.
Please write again. But
this time--please--
share with me your deepest
thoughts.
It's time for your
check-up!
NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH
A DENTIST.

HEY, PAL... WERE YOU THE GUY IN THE BLACK S.U.V. WHO TOOK MY PARKING SPACE?
YEAH, SORRY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU WERE WAITING FOR IT 'TIL AFTER I HAD PULLED IN.
YEAH, WELL "SORRY" ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
LISTEN, PAL, IT'S A PARKING SPACE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT?
THIS SEEMS EXTREME.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S ARGUING WITH OUR NEIGHBOR FRED...FRED'S OAK TREE IS DROPPING ACORNS ON OUR LAWN AGAIN.
HE'S ARGUING OVER ACORNS?
YEAH. OUR NEIGHBORS REALLY MAKE RAT MAD, BUT HE SAYS HE HAS A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO RESOLVE THE DISPUTE.
I AM NOT FIGHTING A DUEL.
TAKE THE PISTOL, FRED.

DANNY DONKEY HATED WORK BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
I HATE THAT GUY.
He hated the guy who collected money for a present.
WE'RE ALL KICKING IN TWENTY BUCKS FOR CARLOS'S GIFT.
He Hated the cutesy e-mails filled with emotions telling everyone to meet in the conference room for fun and cheesecake. :)
I HATE CHEESECAKE.
FUN'S NEVER FUN.
I HATE EMOTIONS.
But most of all, he hated the awkward horror of standing around with people whom he would not choose to spend even four seconds of his free time.
YOU SEE THE GAME ON SUNDAY?
PLEASE DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
I HATE THIS GUY.
PLEASE, PLEASE...DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
So Danny snapped, taking out all his rage on the party's poor piñata.
Take that.
And that.
And that.
And that.
Only there was no piñata.
THIS ISN'T A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!
Carlos, sorry he didn't...oh, maybe he has some...his mistake. Carlos's mistake. Carlos is sorry.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!!
BUT IT MENTIONS PIÑATAS. KIDS LOVE PIÑATAS.

Me kicking you out of neenjas, Larry. You lame. You no smart.
Me no smart? HA! Like, look een mirror, Frank.
Okay, like, now you reelly out.
Fine. Me no care. Larry no need you stoopid uneform. Larry got udder frends. Tougher den stoopid neenjas. Cooler den stoopid neenjas.

HEY, MOM... DAD WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN HIS "SUPER STEALTHY NINJA" COSTUME. HE AND THE OTHER CROCS ARE SNEAKING UP ON SOME ZEBRAS' HOUSE TONIGHT.
I WASHED IT WITH THE LOAD OF WHITES I DID TODAY.
THE WHITES? DON'T YOU SOMETIMES PUT BLEACH ON THOSE?
YEAH. SO?
Go home, Larry.

Okay, neenjas, leesten... First key to neenja assasseen ees neenja stealth. Dat mean neenja jas no make sound and no carry nutteeng dat might make sound...
No cell phones ?
NO.
No car keys ?
NO.
No change ?
NO.
No, Larry.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS AT TEN... WAR
Famine
Death
Hate
Lies
Bad
Bad
Bad
Worse
Bad
Worser

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
Shut mouf. We is ninja. We is have poison dart here eensie dart gun. We blow at zeeba.. Keel you.
Bob... No use poison dart gun dreenk milkshake.
SLUUURP
What waste of milkshake.

PIG MADE FRIENDS WITH A HIPPO.
A HIPPO? WHY A HIPPO?
HE SAID BECAUSE HIPPOS HAVE BIG SOFT JIGGLY ARMS, LIKE HIS GRANDMA USED TO HAVE.
WHAT'S THE IMPORTANCE OF BIG SOFT JIGGLY ARMS?

Hey, Bob. Dis Larry. Me tryeen get leest of all zeebas on blok.
Me alredy has.
You alredy has? Read names to Larry.
But no yife has fax macheen?
Me tink so. Why?
Cause me jus hang up phone, geev you names on fax.
Okays.
IS YOU READ NAMES OR NOT??!!
DAD MIGHT BE TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED.
ME IS REACH IN, PUNCH YOU FACE, BOB!!!

WOO HOO!
WHAT?
WOO HOO!
I JUST SCOURED THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS' AND NOTICED THERE IS NO RECORD HOLDER IN THE CATEGORY OF 'MOST CONSECUTIVE TIMES SLAPPING YOUR ROTUND FRIEND IN THE FACE'!
I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER?
HE'S OUTSIDE. I HAVE TO DO A PROJECT FOR BIOLOGY WHERE I FIND AND CATALOG TWENTY DIFFERENT BIRDS. DAD'S BIRDWATCHING FOR ME.
JUNIOR! JUNIOR! Me find one!
TERRIFIC, DAD! DESCRIBE ITS PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS AND I’LL TRY TO FIND IT IN THE BIRD GUIDE.
Uhh. Two wings. Lotta feathers.
YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC, DAD.
Oh, yeah. It have head.

WHOA. LOOK AT THAT CUTE CHICK.
YOU KNOW, PIG, THAT'S A REALLY SEXIST TERM... I KNOW RAT USES IT, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY ?
I DON'T KNOW... IF YOU REALLY FEEL COMPELLED TO COMMENT, JUST SAY, 'THAT WOMAN'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.'
THAT WOMAN'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.
NEVER MIND.

SE SHTINKY! THIS SHLMUZEL SHMEGGEG NEEDS TO FILL MY SHLISEL!
CAN YOU PLEASE COOL IT WITH THE YIDDISH, RAT?
WHAT'S IT TO YOU, SHALTEN SHAMMES?
BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE USING IT FOR IS SPREADING INSULTS! DO WE REALLY NEED YOU TEACHING OUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD A WHOLE NEW LEXICON OF RUDENESS?
OY VEY, YOU SHLUB. AND WHO EXACTLY AM I GONNA INFLUENCE?
HULLOOOO SHIKSA STRUDEL.

OY VEY! SORRY TO KVETCH BUT THIS MESHUGANAH’S CHUTZPAH HAS ME PRETTY FARKLEMPT.
WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING YIDDISH, RAT?
BECAUSE IT’S THE LANGUAGE FOR RIPPING ON THE IDIOTS OF THE WORLD.
YEAH, WELL, I DON’T THINK I’D EVER LEARN A LANGUAGE JUST SO I COULD RIP ON PEOPLE.
TOUGH TALK FOR A SHABBES KLOPPER SCHMENDRICK NUDNIK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
STUDYING YIDDISH...I HAVE DETERMINED IT IS BY FAR THE BEST LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD FOR HURLING INSULTS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO LEARN A LANGUAGE JUST SO YOU CAN HURL INSULTS?
PLEASE STOP BEING SUCH A SHMULKY SHLUMPERDIK.

"Rejoice," he said, raising his arms in celebration, "for the goal of childhood sport is not victory, but rather, the inculcation of values such as teamwork, fair play and the struggle to do one's best."
"I will go to a children's soccer game," said Bob. "Childhood sports make people happy."
Angry Bob was at a soccer game. He stood on the sidelines. He stood with the parents of a team called "The Strikers."
The Strikers were losing. The parents were angry. They yelled. One swore.
Angry Bob stood in a booth and typed.
A Gatorade bottle struck him in the head.
Falling, Bob saw a horde of angry soccer moms descend upon his fragile bean.
"You Strikers," he said with his last breath, "are aptly named."
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A LOSING SOCCER MOM.

IF EVERY LIFE IS SACRED, WHY DO WE KILL EACH OTHER IN WARS?
BECAUSE SOME LIFE IS SACREDER THAN OTHERS.
WHO'S LIFE IS SACREDER?
PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH YOU.
I DON'T GET IT.
I SUGGEST YOU AGREE.
OKAY DOKE.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A SUPER STRONG GUY NAMED SAMSON WHOSE STRENGTH WAS ALL IN HIS HAIR?
YEAH... HIS WIFE DELILAH CUT IT AND HE LOST ALL HIS POWER. WHY?
NO REASON.
MULLETS DO NOT GIVE SUPERPOWERS.