Pearls Before Swine | Search

PIGITA, I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. I HAVE NEEDS. AND YOU'RE NOT FULFILLING THEM.
OH, YOU HAVE NEEDS, DO YOU? TELL ME, MR. STILL-HASN'T-ASKED-ME-TO-MARRY-HIM, WHAT NEEDS ARE THOSE?
'CHUTES AND LADDERS.' TWO GAMES A WEEK.
NEVER MIND.
IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HAVING TO BE MARRIED, THOUGH.

PIG DISCOVERED HE HAS A BOUNCY BUTT. HE THINKS IT'S A SUPERPOWER.
A SUPERPOWER? YOU DON'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY, DO YOU?
BOUNCY BUTT!
BOUNCY BUTT!
BOUNCY BUTT!
I KINDA DO.
MY BUTTOCKS SHALL DEFEAT YOU!!!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I JUST DISCOVERED IF I JUMP IN THE AIR AND LAND ON MY BUTTOCKS, IT DOESN’T HURT!
THAT JUST MEANS YOUR BUTT IS NOW SO INSANELY FAT THAT IT PROVIDES A TOTAL CUSHION AGAINST ANY IMPACT.
I’M CALLING IT A SUPERPOWER.

HEY, PIG. GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME DYE THESE EGGS.
CAN'T. I HAVE A DATE WITH PIGITA, AND IF I'M LATE SHE'LL BE UPSET.
I DON'T CARE. HELP.
ALRIGHT. LEMME JUST CALL HER.
PIGITA? HI... I'M GONNA BE LATE... I'M DYEING.
SHE TOOK IT WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

I, RAT CREMITUS, HAVE WRITTEN OUT THE MATHEMATICS OF DOING GOOD FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
I'LL SHOW YOU. SEE, I START WITH THE SIMPLE PRINCIPLE THAT GIVING TO OTHERS PRODUCES GOOD.
GIVING TO OTHERS = GOOD
BUT THEN I HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR THE SLUTH COROLLARY.
GIVING TO OTHERS = MAKES THEM LAZY
AND THE HAPPINESS PRINCIPLE.
I HAVE = I AM HAPPY
I AM GIVING = AWAY MONEY = SAD
AND THE FUTILITY ALGORITHM.
WORLD'S PROBLEMS = LARGE
INDIVIDUAL = DROP IN BUCKET
THEN I ADD IT ALL UP, CARRY THE 5, DIVIDE BY 2, AND ARRIVE AT MY GRAND THEOREM OF HOW ONE SHOULD CONDUCT ONSELF.
WHICH IS WHAT?
DO NOTHING.
HOW NICE AND COMPACT.
HOW OBVIOUS.
WELL...YOU GUYS HAVE FUN. NEARLY NOTHING YOU CAN JUST SIT AROUND AND DRINK BEER.

Me worried, Bob... Ever
seence you get newtered,
you not look like newt.
You juss act like woomun.
Dat reely teek me off,
Larry. Me not woomun.
Me is no even want see
you anymore....
Whuh dat?
'Tinking of
you' card.
You change,
Bob.
Open card.
It play
pretty
song.

BOB GETS 'NEWTERED'
Whuh happen you, Bob? You still has Bob face. Me tot you go to plasteec surgeon to be like newt.
Newts has high voice.

Hey, Larry...look dis
pecture of leetle newt...
Newts has cool snake
face. Me want look
cool like newt.
Geet
plasteec
surgeon
change
for you,
Bob.
Yeah?
Whuh
me
tell
heem?
Go een and say,
"Hi, my name Bob.
Me want be
neutered."
UHH,
DAD...
Peese, son, no
interrupt.
Yeah...Whuh
me got
lose?

RAT GOT A JOB.
DOING WHAT?
HE'S THE GUY THAT GETS THOSE "UNSUBSCRIBE" E-MAILS YOU SEND WHEN YOU'RE REALLY UPSET AND NO LONGER WANT TO BE ON SOME COMPANY'S JUNK E-MAIL LIST... HE HAS TO RESPOND TO EACH ANGRY E-MAIL.
OH, YEAH? HOW'S HE RESPOND?
AH HA HA

ANNOUNCEMENT: I HAVE SEEN TWO FRENCH FILMS. FROM THAT, I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT ALL FRENCH FILMS ARE ABOUT NOTHING.
OH, PLEASE. YOU EVER THINK YOU MIGHT BE WRONG?
LISTEN. WHENEVER YOU THINK I MIGHT BE WRONG, I WANT YOU TO THINK OF HALEY'S COMET.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE EVERY 76 YEARS.
ANNOUNCEMENT: I AM LEAVING.
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE ABOUT AS INTERESTING AS A FRENCH FILM?

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
OH, MAN, I'M JUST GLUED TO THE T.V.
OH, YEAH? ... ARE YOU WATCHING 'ENTOURAGE' ALSO?
NO. I ACCIDENTALLY GLUED MY HEAD TO THE T.V.
I NEED SMARTER FRIENDS.

WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR?
BLUETOOTH. I'VE FORMED MY OWN PUBLIC RELATIONS AGENCY, AND I NEED TO BE IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION. THIS IS MY FIRST CLIENT, MR. G. DUCK.
GUARD DUCK?
WHY'D YOU HIRE RAT?
I HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT, AND NOW EVERYBODY'S IN A TIZZY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS GOOFING AROUND IN AN F-16 FIGHTER JET AND I PASSED A BUTTON THAT SAID LAUNCH. AND, WELL... I BLEW UP DOWNTOWN...
YOU BLEW UP...
UH UH UH UH UH
MY CLIENT COMMENCED THE REVITALIZATION OF THE CITY'S ONCE-THRIVING COMMERCIAL DISTRICT.
SOME PEOPLE GET PERMITS
MISSILES ARE QUICKER.
URBAN RENEWAL: IT CAN'T WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BUCKET OF CASH, PIG?
I WAS GONNA GO GAMBLE AT THAT NEW CASINO DOWNTOWN, BUT IT'S SUCH A LONG DRIVE, I FIGURED I'D SAVE TIME AND GAS BY JUST STAYING HOME AND SETTING FIRE TO MY MONEY IN THE BACKYARD.
AND TO THINK YOU USED TO CALL ME DUMB.

DO YOU THINK FLAMENCO DANCERS ARE INTIMIDATING?
INTIMIDATING?
YEAH... LIKE IF SOMEONE CHALLENGED YOU TO A BAR FIGHT, AND YOU STRUCK A FLAMENCO POSE, WOULD THAT INTIMIDATE THEM?
OF COURSE NOT. IT'S A DANCE.
TOLD YOU.
CARE TO STEP OUTSIDE?
YES. BECAUSE I'M LEAVING.

WHEN IS OUR GOVERNMENT GOING TO REALIZE THAT THE SIZE OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT POSES AN ENORMOUS RISK TO EVERY ASPECT OF OUR FUTURE?
Huh!?
YOU DIDN’T HEAR A WORD I SAID DID YOU?
I LOAD ALL YOUR WORDS ON THE 'EAR EXPRESS,' A TINY TRAIN THAT SHOOTS THEM IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY, 'THE RAT DON’T GIVE A @#*&.'
PERHAPS YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Huh?

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB. ARE YOU ENJOYING MY GARAGE SALE?
YEAH, PIG. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I'M FEELING A LOT OF PRESSURE TO BUY.
OH, GOSH, NEIGHBOR BOB, I'M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU.
IT'S NOT YOU, PIG. IT'S YOUR SALES STAFF.
BUY SOMETHING.
HE WORKS ON COMMISSION.
GET THE LAMP. NOW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
IT'S MY "I'M HAVING AN OH-SO-HAPPY DAY" DIARY. I USE IT TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE DAYS IN MY LIFE THAT I WAS HAPPY.
OH, YEAH? CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
March 1, 2010 NOPE
March 2, 2010 NOPE
March 3, 2010 NOPE
March 4, 2010 NOPE
March 5, 2010 NOPE
March 6, 2010 NOPE
March 7, 2010 NOPE
March 8, 2010 NOPE
March 9, 2010 NOPE
March 10, 2010 NOPE
I'M THINKING OF RE-NAMING IT.

HEY. WHAT'S THAT THING IN THE CORNER OF THE PANEL?
IT'S OUR LOGO. SO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT COMIC STRIP THEY'RE READING. I GOT THE IDEA FROM CABLE T.V.
BUT I HATE THOSE LITTLE THINGS. THEY ALWAYS CATCH MY EYE WHEN I'M TRYING TO WATCH A SHOW.
RELAX. IT WON'T HURT A THING.
THUD
PROVIDED WE ALL WEAR CUPS.
OHHHHHHHHHHHH ...
MY OOMPA LOOMPAS.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
THAT'S THE MUDFLAP GIRL... THE ONE YOU SEE ON TRUCKS.
YEAH...ISN'T SHE LOVELY AND GLAMOROUS AND BEAUTIFUL?
DUDE, SHE'S HOT, BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?
REFERENCE.
FOR WHAT?
IT'S A LIFELONG DREAM.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I REMOVE THE EYEBALLS FROM MY HEAD.

HEY, RAT, LOOK... I WROTE A SHORT STORY.
WOW, PIG... THIS STORY IS POSITIVELY PROSAIC.
REALLY?
CARE TO TELL HIM THAT 'PROSAIC' MEANS DULL?
WHY? THE WORD SOUNDS SO POSITIVE.
POSITIVELY PROSAIC, PROCLAIMS ONE READER.

HAVE
YOU SEEN
PIG
LATELY?
NO, I ---
RINNNNG
RINNNNG
HEY, WHADDYA
KNOW... IT'S PIG.
HEY, PIG, WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU. ARE
YOUR EARS BURNING?
OH MY GAWD YES!
I ACCIDENTALLY
SHAMPOOED WITH
GASOLINE!!
THIS STRIP JUST GETS
STRANGER AND STRANGER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF WOMEN THAT CAME FORWARD IN THAT TIGER WOODS SCANDAL AND CLAIMED TO HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER WITH HIM?
YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE. BUT AT LEAST I THINK WE'VE FINALLY SEEN THE LAST OF THEM.
YOU DID WHAT?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LIGHTNIN' PIGKINS. I WRITE BLUES SONGS THAT PLUMB THE TRAGIC DEPTHS OF MY WEARY SOUL. WANT TO HEAR MY LATEST?
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
'HAVE YOURSELF A SPLENDLURIFIC DAY.'
SO MUCH FOR A SPLENDLURIFIC DAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LIGHTNIN' PIGKINS. I PLUMB THE DARK SADNESS OF MY SOUL TO PLAY THE BLUES... HAVE A LISTEN...
OOOOh... WOKE UP THIS MORNING... HAD MYSELF A BOX OF GOOD CORN FLAKES...
...AHH...AS PART OF A BALANCED NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST... WHICH YOUR TUMMY NEEEEEEDS...
FOR GOODNESS SAKES...
NOT A LOT OF 'DARK SADNESS' IN A BALANCED NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.
OOOH... JUST WAIT 'TIL THE CORN FLAKES GET SOGGY.

HEY, THERE, ZEBRA. WHY YOU
COVERED IN "SILLY STRING"?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT SPIDER-MAN USES.
THANKS, PIG. I KNOW.
HEY... WHY YOU NO EMBOLIZED?