Pearls Before Swine | Search

Danny Donkey was angry at the comics page.
So Danny Donkey went looking for some of the veteran cartoonists. He found them out on the golf course.
Be relevant to my life, he pleaded with them.
What's wrong with them?
LOTS of people like golf.
Golf!
I just thought golf might keep me from making more gags.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
NO MORE GAGS.
AND WITH THAT, DANNY DONKEY fell to his knees, and the veteran cartoonists hit him with their golf clubs.
WAH! BAM!
GACK!
SLAM!
OKAY, THEN.
MORE GAGS FROM 1952.
HUH?
WHEN THE MUSIC DIED.
The Walkman.
Surfin!
Nixon.
Hoola hoops!
Golf!
"IS THIS AN UPLIFTING TALE OF THE AMERICAN COMICS PAGE?"
DANNY DIES AND DOESN'T HAVE TO READ 'EM ANYMORE.
HA HA
YAHAHA
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE GOLF GAGS.

Okay, zeeba, crocs has new strategy.
We ees prove we tough by keeling Bob.
Yeah. So een future when we hunt, you ees juss fall down een feer.
Uh. You no have future, Bob.
Me starting rethink strategy, Fred.

I DON'T GET IT. FIRST, MY iPOD IS MISSING... THEN THE T.V... MAYBE IT'S THAT STUPID MAID WE HIRED.
ABBEY?
NO WAY. SHE'S THE GREATEST.
WELL, SOMEBODY'S STEALING OUR GEAR. AND WE KNOW YOUR STUPID BUTTERFLY FRIEND CAN'T FLY AROUND WITH AN EIGHTY POUND T.V. ON HIS GARGANTUAN BACK!!
YOIKS.
THAT'S TROUBLING.

DUDE... MY... IPOD... IS... GONE... I'M ABOUT TO GO FRAKRAK EXPLODE... IF IT WAS THAT STUPID BUTTERFLY YOU LET IN THE HOUSE --
OHHHH... YOU PROBABLY JUST MISPLACED IT. IT'LL TURN UP... WATCH A LITTLE T.V. AND RELAX.
FINE... BUT WHEN I'M DONE, THAT GARFOMAFA IPOD BETTER SHOW UP...

WHAT'S THAT STUPID BUTTERFLY DOING IN HERE?
HEY, HE FLEW IN HERE YESTERDAY! THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD LUCK WHEN A BUTTERFLY FLIES INTO YOUR HOUSE!
WHO CARES?... I DON'T WANT A STUPID BUTTERFLY FLYING IN AND OUT OF MY HOUSE... I'VE GOT VALUABLE STUFF IN HERE.
HAHAHAHA. HE'S A BUTTERFLY, NOT A KLEPTO-MANIAC...

Hey, son.
Whuh you reading?
ROMEO AND JULIET... IT'S FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS.
Oh, yeah? Read me leetle bit.
LO, HERE UPON THY CHEEK
THE STAIN DOTH SIT
OF AN OLD TEAR THAT IS
NOT WASH'D OFF YET.
IF E'ER THOU WAST THYSELF
AND THESE WOES THINE,
THOU AND THESE WOES
WERE ALL FOR ROSALINE.
Dis might be gud time drop out of school.

WHAT IF YOU
GET INTO HEAVEN
AND FIND YOURSELF
SURROUNDED BY
PERKY PEOPLE?
PERKY
PEOPLE ?
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THE KIND OF IDIOTS
WHO INSIST ON
TALKING TO YOU
WHEN YOU FIRST
GET INTO WORK
IN THE MORNING.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S HEAVEN.
I ASSUME THERE'S SOME-
THING THAT
PREVENTS THAT
FROM HAPPENING.
PERKY PEOPLE
GO TO HE...
WHY DO I EVEN-
ADIOS,
YOU
SMILING
LITTLE
GOONS!!

HI THERE, RAT... DID YOU MEET MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS? THIS IS BOB AND THIS IS LARRY.
WHATEVER, DUDE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPID GAMES.
SORRY.
FORGET ABOUT IT... LISTEN, CAN I BORROW TEN BUCKS? I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH FOR LUNCH.
I'D LOVE TO HELP, BUT I HAVE TO SAVE MY MONEY. I GOT A $300 TICKET.
TICKET? FOR WHAT?
DRIVING IN THE CARPOOL LANE YESTERDAY.
YOU DUMB PIG. WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU ONLY NEEDED THREE PEOPLE IN THE CAR TO USE IT.
YOU DO.
WELL, NOW THAT WASN'T OUR EXPERIENCE, WAS IT, BOYS?
I THINK I'LL EAT AT HOME.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... LET'S NOT GO CALLING THE COP A RACIST.

Dear Dr. Smith,
It was wonderful to hear from you today.
It seems you and I are on the verge of something very special!
WHY ARE YOU WRITING A LOVE LETTER TO YOUR DENTIST?
OHH... I'M JUST REPLYING TO THIS LITTLE NOTE SHE SENT ME.
THAT'S A DENTAL REMINDER POSTCARD...
SHE SENDS THEM TO EVERYONE.
Floozy
Dear Dr. *****

DO YOU THINK HUMANITY IS DESTINED TO DESTROY ITSELF?
OH, NO. I BELIEVE IN BUTTERBOY.
WHO THE HECK IS BUTTERBOY?
A GIANT STICK OF BUTTER WHO WILL ARRIVE ONE SUNNY DAY AND SAVE THE PLANET AND RESCUE ALL OF HUMANITY.
A GIANT STICK OF BUTTER WOULD MELT AFTER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES IN THE SUN.
I AM SO BAD AT PICKING RELIGIONS.

HEY, RAT... WE'D LIKE YOUR
ADVICE AS CORPORATE
COUNSEL ON SOMETHING
THE COMPANY IS
CONSIDERING.
DON'T DO
IT. IT WILL GET YOU
SUED.
I HAVEN'T SAID
WHAT IT IS.
NO NEED. AND HERE'S
MY ADVICE IN WRITING
SO EVERYONE CAN
SEE I COVERED MY
FANNY.
DO YOU REALLY
GET TWICE MY
SALARY FOR
DOING THIS?
YO... HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO CHECK
MY FANTASY FOOTBALL
STATS WITH ALL YOUR
YAMMERING?

RAT AS CORPORATE COUNSEL
RAT, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE TOLD YOU, BUT WE NEED YOU TO DRAFT A WARNING LABEL FOR OUR COFFEE. YOU KNOW, JUST LETTING FOLKS KNOW IT CAN BE HOT.
YEP. ALREADY DID IT. HAVE A LOOK.
'IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT COFFEE IS HOT, PERHAPS YOU'RE TOO &%@*ING STUPID TO DRINK COFFEE!'
I'M THINKING WE SHOULDN'T CUSS OUT OUR CUSTOMERS.
OH, THINK AGAIN, SIR. IT FEELS TERRIFIC.

RAT GOT PROMOTED BY JOE'S EATERY. THEY SAID HE HAD SOME EXPERIENCE AS AN ATTORNEY AND ASKED HIM TO BE THEIR CORPORATE COUNSEL.
CORPORATE COUNSEL? ... HE WAS ARROGANT AS A MINIMUM WAGE COFFEE SERVER ... WHAT'S HE GONNA BE LIKE AS A CORPORATE ATTORNEY IN A BOARDROOM?
I THINK WE'D VALUE YOUR OPINION A LOT MORE IF YOU'D STOP OPENING YOUR REMARKS WITH, "PEOPLE, PEOPLE, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES!"

I SAW THE MOST INSPIRING MOVIE LAST NIGHT.
WHAT WAS IT?
" 'KARATE KID.' "
'KARATE KID'? WHAT KIND OF LOSER GETS INSPIRED BY A TWENTY-YEAR-OLD KARATE FILM?

HI.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU?
WELL, HEH HEH, YOU MIGHT... I'M THE GUY WHO WRITES THAT BLOG.
WHAT BLOG?
THE ONE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
THEY'RE ALL ON THE WEB.
OH. MINE IS THE ONE WITH LINKS.
THEY ALL DO?
YES!
YES!
AND A SECTION ABOUT THE AUTHOR?
YES!
AND POSTINGS WITH CLEVER LITTLE INSIGHTS?
YES!
AHA!!
'AHA' WHAT?
MINE AREN'T CLEVER.
OH, LORD.
HI... I'M THAT UNCLEVER GUY ON THE INTERNET.

OHHH, THIS JUST CAN'T GET ANY MORE DEPRESSING.
WHAT?
I PUT ALL MY RETIREMENT MONEY INTO AN I.R.A. FIVE YEARS AGO, AND TODAY I HAVE LESS MONEY THAN I STARTED WITH
WOW. THAT WAS DUMB. YOU SHOULD HAVE SKIPPED THE I.R.A. AND GONE WITH A U.T.M.
U.T.M.?
UNDER THE MATTRESS.
I JUST GOT MORE DEPRESSED.
I'M A FINANCIAL GURU!!!

HEY, RAT. MIND IF I BORROW THIS CARDBOARD BOX I FOUND IN YOUR CLOSET? I'M STARTING A BLOG.
A BLOG? WHAT DO YOU NEED A BOX FOR IF YOU'RE DOING A BLOG?
FOR ALL THE MONEY I'M GONNA MAKE.
ARE THERE INTERVENTIONS FOR STUPIDITY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE TAKEN UP JUJITSU, THE ANCIENT ART OF SELF-DEFENSE, A PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINE DESIGNED SOLELY FOR THE PROTECTION OF ONESELF AGAINST UNWARRANTED AGGRESSION.
KAPISSHH
I'VE MISUSED MY POWERS.

I JUST DID MY FINANCES AND FIGURED OUT THAT EVERY DAY I GO TO WORK, I LOSE MONEY.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
THE PRICE OF GAS. IT COSTS ME MORE TO GO TO AND FROM WORK THAN WORK ACTUALLY PAYS ME.
SO THE KEY TO FINANCIAL SECURITY IS NOW...
UNEMPLOYMENT!!
THE DREAM HAS COME TRUE.
WE WERE SO AHEAD OF OUR TIME.

HI. GIMME A DECAF NONFAT 200 DEGREE NO FOAM MOCHA.
REMEMBER THAT OLD ‘BURGER KING’ AD WHERE THOSE HAPPY EMPLOYEES SING “SPECIAL ORDERS DON’T UPSET US”?
YEAH.
WELL, THEY UPSET THE @#%* OUT OF ME.
GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER.
AND UPSET HIM TOO? NO THANK YOU.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FIND A NEW MORNING COFFEE PLACE.
WHY?
BECAUSE THE PLACE I GO TO HIRED BACK AN OLD EMPLOYEE I CAN’T STAND.
HOW BIG A DIFFERENCE CAN ONE EMPLOYEE MAKE?
YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANGE IF I SAY YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANGE.

HEY, HERE COMES ZEBRA... I THINK
THAT IDIOT IS STEALING THE NEWSPAPER
FROM OUR DRIVEWAY. LET'S INTERROGATE
HIM USING A LITTLE "GOOD COP/BAD COP."
OKAY.
...HEY THERE, ZEBRA... NOT TO BE RUDE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO OUR PAPER
EVERY MORNING, WOULD YOU?
NOPE.
WELL, HO HO HO, I SURE WOULD
LIKE A GOOD OL' JELLY DOUGHNUT
FOR MY BIG OL' TUM TUM, YUP YUP...
PIG?
YES ?
IT'S GOOD COP/BAD COP ...
NOT GOOD COP/FAT COP.
OH.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
I AM SO ANGRY.
I AM SOOOO HUNGRY.

Dear Pigita,
You are great. You are smart. You are pretty. I am so lucky to have you for my girlfriend.
YOU DUMB PIG. CHICKS DON'T DIG GUYS WHO ARE ALWAYS COMPLIMENTING THEM. YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THEM NOW AND THEN. MAKES THEM FIND YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE.
P.S. You're stupid for dating me.

THIS ECONOMIC NEWS IS SO SCARY. DO YOU THINK WE COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF SOMETHING HUGE?
LIKE ANOTHER DEPRESSION? I DOUBT IT.
PULL, PIGGY TOAD, PULL!
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.

MORNIN', FRED. WHAT'S YOUR MONITORING OF THE TRACKING COLLAR SHOW?
NOT MUCH, BOB... THIS GUY'S MIGRATING PATTERNS ARE ABOUT NIL.
NIL? ...ALL ANIMALS MOVE, FRED.
NOT THIS ONE, BOB. HE HASN'T BUDGED IN TEN HOURS... BELIEVE ME, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.
URRRRRRP.