Pearls Before Swine | Search

IN AN EFFORT TO PROMOTE WORLD PEACE, I AM PUTTING TOGETHER A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AND IN NEED OF PHYSICAL SEPARATION FROM THE REST OF THE GENE POOL.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN DOWN SO FAR? PEOPLE WHO START WARS? PEOPLE WHO HURT ANIMALS?
GUYS WHO WEAR SALMON-COLORED SHIRTS.
THEY'RE SORT OF A PRIORITY.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MIKE, THAT FRIEND OF YOURS WHO WAS THE REAL ESTATE AGENT?
HE DIED. HE WAS WAITING TO MEET A FRIEND ON THE CORNER OF MAIN AND THIRD AND A BUS HIT HIM. THE SAD PART WAS, THEY USUALLY MET AT A DIFFERENT SPOT.
LOCATION. LOCATION. LOCATION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE STARTED SELLING STOCK IN YOU. TODAY'S THE INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING...HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY?
NONE. I'M A TOTAL FAILURE.
THAT WILL NOT LOOK GOOD IN THE PROSPECTUS.

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR NOSE?
A 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN... I STOLE IT FROM A HOTEL DOOR.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT ON YOUR NOSE?
BECAUSE I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO LIMIT MY PEACE AND QUIET TO THE INTERIOR OF A HOTEL ROOM.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
DOOR HANGERS... THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR DOORKNOBS ANY MORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM DRESSED AS A GIANT POTATO.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A GIANT POTATO?
BECAUSE I AM OUT OF CLEAN CLOTHES.
DON'T YOU HATE THE DAY BEFORE LAUNDRY DAY?

I'M PERPLEXED BY THE MEANING OF LIFE. IT'S SO ENIGMATIC.
WHAT DOES "ENIGMATIC" MEAN ?
IT'S PUZZLING.
THEN PICK A WORD YOU UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, AFTER AWHILE, THE TIDE'S GONNA COME IN.
I KNOW.

Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
What's Pig doing?
He's chasing airplanes. He does it whenever he gets depressed.
Why would he do that?
Because they're going somewhere and he wants to go there too.
Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
But he doesn't even know where they're going... How does he know he wants to go there?
Because wherever it is, it's not here.
Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever seen?
No.
It's when he runs into the telephone poles.

I'M SORRY, MISTER CROC, BUT I REALLY NEED TO HAVE SOME ALONE BATHROOM TIME.
Too bad for you. Crocs on meeshun. No can be stopped.
FLUSHHHHHH
NO ONE MESSES WITH MY ALONE BATHROOM TIME.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO WATCH "EXTRAS" WITH YOU, ZEBRA... HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
SURE, PIG.
I CAN HOLD IT.

Bad news, brudder crocs... Brudder Bob drown een storm drain.
Why he een storm drain?
Crocs tink it lead to zeeba house. But no true. Ees sewer system dat lead eenside zeeba house.
How we get een dere?
Ees one small step for Larry... One giant leap for croc-kind.

Grate no come off storm drain, Bob.
Water at knees, Larry.
SHUT MOUF, Bob... Larry need tink. Larry need find person help Bob... AHA! Larry got plan!
Do plan FAST, Larry. Water at Bob chest.
Dear Bob's Congrissmun

So storm drain no go to zeeba house, Larry?
No. Drain juss woosh rain to ocean, Bob.
Den Bob want out. Bob no want die.
No panic like girl, Bob. Me juss pull off grate. It no raining. You no die.
Me starting panic, Larry.
Dat real bad break, Bob.

Hey, zeeba neighba... Croc has question.. What storm drains in curb do..?
THEY CARRY EXCESS RAINWATER TO THE OCEAN..
Dey not secrete pathway into mebbe you house ?
NO.
Bad news, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS FOR THE WORKPLACE.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY’RE THESE POSTERS THAT BUSINESSES PUT UP ON THEIR WALLS TO INSPIRE THEIR EMPLOYEES. HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU ONE...
SEE, IT SAYS, “TEAM,” AND EACH OF THE LETTERS STANDS FOR SOMETHING...T OGETHER, E VERYONE, A CHIEVES...M UCH!
AWWWW... THAT’S SWEET. YOU WROTE THAT?
NO, NO... I WROTE THIS...
TH.
I.S
T.his
E.mployer
A.nnoys
M.e...
This Employer Annoys the S#@! Out of Me.
THAT’S NOT VERY INSPIRATIONAL.
PROFANITY IS THE KEY TO ANY GOOD MOTIVATIONAL POSTER.

Hi, CAN I HELP YOU?
Hi. Me is Corporal Sanders. Peese fill bucket wid free cheekon so me can test quality.
IT'S COLONEL SANDERS.
AND YOU'RE NOT HIM.
How you know dat?
FOR ONE THING, HE'S DEAD.
Oh. News travel slow een Kentuckyland.

BEHOLD... THE "CHAIR O' GREAT AUTHORITY"... IT GIVES ME GREAT AUTHORITY.
WHY?
POW
PLEASE DON'T CHALLENGE THE CHAIR O' GREAT AUTHORITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M HUNGOVER. NOW THAT I AM A GREAT WRITER, I TRY TO ONLY WRITE WHEN I'M IN THE THROES OF DIONYSIAN BLISS.
HERE, READ MY WORK FROM LAST NIGHT AND TELL ME IF I STRUCK ANY NUGGETS OF LITERARY GOLD ...
BEER
GOOD.
I'D SAY
NO.
CURSES. BUY ME ANOTHER SIX-PACK.

RAT, I'VE BEEN READING YOUR WORK AND I DON'T THINK I LIKE IT... I'M ALWAYS PORTRAYED AS A DUMB GUY.
YES, WELL, ALL GOOD WRITERS EXPOSE AND EXPLOIT THE LIVES OF THOSE AROUND THEM. THAT'S CALLED "OUR GIFT TO THE WORLD."
WELL, CAN'T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A COOL NICKNAME OR SOMETHING?
SURE, I GUESS. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
"Real happy," replied Lardo, the Drooling Idiot.

HEY, RAT, PIG JUST READ ME
ONE OF YOUR STORIES... THE
WRITER HAS FRIENDS NAMED
'PIG,' 'ZEBRA,' AND 'GOAT'... AND
HE CALLS GOAT AN ARROGANT
'NO-NOTHING' FATHEAD.'
WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOU.
HERE, LOOK AT THE
SPELLING...
Goatt
THE LAWYERS ASSURED
ME THAT WAS
SUFFICIENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM ERNEST HEMINGRAT. I AM GOING TO BE A GREAT WRITER BY CHRONICLING THE EVERY DAY HAPPENINGS AROUND ME. I SHALL LEAVE OUT NOTHING.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE HARD TO HAVE EVERY EMBARRASSING DETAIL OF YOUR LIFE KNOWN TO EVERYONE?
YES, WHICH IS WHY I'VE DECIDED TO ONLY CHRONICLE YOU.
ME? BUT HOW WILL I BE DEPICTED?
"Poorly," he told the fat, stupid pig.

Danny Donkey hated men who followed trends.
I hate them.
He hated baggy jeans.
He hated caps that had to be worn a certain way.
He hated stubble.
And he really, really hated neatly trimmed goatees.
ARE YOU DONE?
BUT MOST OF ALL HE HATED OVERSENSITIVE TALENTLESS CARTOONISTS WHO THINK THEY'RE GOD'S GIFT TO CARTOONING.
HEH HEH HEH
DON'T WE ALL, DANNY DONKEY...
DON'T WE ALL

I'M TOO STRESSED. TOO NERVOUS. TOO RUSHED. I NEED PEACE IN MY LIFE. I NEED CALM.
TRY MEDITATION.
DIDN'T WORK.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH PIG'S GYMNASTICS TRAINING?
THEY'VE GOT HIM DOING THE VAULT.
THE VAULT? I HOPE SOME- ONE EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT AT THE END OF THAT RUN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT THAT SPRINGBOARD AND LAND ON TOP OF THE VAULT.
WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO?

HEY, PASTIS, SINCE THIS COMIC
IS SUPPOSEDLY READ BY LOTS
OF PEOPLE, I’D LIKE TO START
INTRODUCING NEW PHRASES
INTO THE POPULAR LEXICON...
YOU KNOW, LEAVE MY MARK.
WHAT KIND
OF PHRASES?
CATCHY
ONES. LIKE
‘PULLING
A PASTIS.’
WHAT’S
‘PULLING
A PASTIS’?
‘TO FAIL, TO FALL ON
ONE’S FACE, TO TURN
ONE’S OWN LIFE INTO
A GROSS ABOMINATION
OF ALL THAT IS
WONDERFUL.’
OH, SURE... KILL
THE MESSENGER.

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO LEAVE EVERY PLACE I VISIT A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHEN I ARRIVED.
I THINK YOU DO THAT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE A ROOM, I SAY TO MYSELF, "HEY, THE ROOM'S A LITTLE BETTER.
OHH, THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
THE BEST INSULTS ARE THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE COMPLIMENTS.