Pearls Before Swine | Search

OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE OUR FIRST WARM-UP GAME ON TUESDAY.
AGAINST WHO?
SOMEONE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAT.
WHO'S THAT?
IT'S A SIMPLE GROUNDER, RON.
I'M A BLIND MOLE, PHIL.

I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A SOFTBALL TEAM AND I WANT YOU TO PLAY CATCHER.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU TAKE AN INTEREST IN SPORTS?
SINCE I FOUND OUT GUYS BET A LOT OF CASH ON THESE STUPID GAMES. WE'RE GONNA LINE UP SOME PATSES AND REALLY CLEAN UP!
WHERE YOU GONNA FIND A TEAM THAT KNOWS LESS ABOUT SOFTBALL THAN US?
You no wear cup on chin, Floyd.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
CALLING MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY. SOME FRAUD APPARENTLY GOT AHOLD OF MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND HAS BEEN USING IT TO RACK UP HUGE BAR BILLS AROUND TOWN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT YOUR CHARGES?
BECAUSE I DON'T GO AROUND TO BARS EVERY NIGHT TRYING TO DRINK AWAY MY PROBLEMS. I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?
Me-e-e-o-owwww

I don't want to play softball on your team, Rat. I have poor hand-eye coordination and very slow reaction time.
I know that, you dumb pig. That's why I'm putting you at this position.
Smack
Gosh... maybe third base isn't right for you after all.
OHHHHHH, MY OOMPA LOOMPAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M STARTING A SOFTBALL TEAM. I WANT YOU TO PLAY CENTERFIELD.
BUT THIS WHOLE SCENE IS A "PEANUTS" RIP-OFF.
HEY, CAN'T OTHER COMICS PLAY A LITTLE BALL WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF RIPPING OFF "PEANUTS"?
NO.
WOW. I DON'T EVEN WEAR CLOTHES.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
ANDERSON COOPER
ON CNN... I LIKE HIM,
BUT SOMETIMES THE
OTHER ANCHORS MAKE
HIM LAUGH AND THEN
I HAVE TO --
EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH
A MAN'S LAUGH SHOULD NOT
SOUND LIKE A WEASEL DIVING
AT THE GATES OF HELL.
DID YOU SAY
SOMETHING?

HI, RAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HI, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M SUING YOU.
SUING ME? FOR WHAT?
MONEY. LOTS OF IT.
BUT ON WHAT GROUNDS?
ON THE GROUND I LIKE MONEY.
THIS IS ABSURD!
NO, THAT'S A SUMMONS. ABSURD WOULD BE SUING A NEIGHBOR'S DOG FOR BARKING TOO MUCH AND TAPING THE LEGAL PLEADING TO HIS FUR.
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
GET THAT OFF MY DOG.
LAWYER UP, FIDO.
ARF ARF

HEY THERE, RAT... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW TANK TOP? I BOUGHT IT TO SHOW OFF MY NEW PHYSIQUE.
WHAT NEW PHYSIQUE?
I TOLD YOU... I'M AN ATHLETE NOW. EVEN THE DOCTOR CONFIRMED IT.
HE SAID YOU HAD ATHLETE'S FOOT.
HEY, IF I OIL UP, WILL YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M DECIDING WHO I'M GONNA SUE TODAY.
YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM!!
A MOCKERY?? SIR, I RESPECT AND REVERE OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM!
SHOULD I STILL SPIN THE "WHEEL O' POSSIBLE DEFENDANTS"?
GIVE ME A MINUTE.

I'M GOING TO BE THE WEALTHIEST AMERICAN ALIVE.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT?
I'M GOING TO FIND OUT ALL I CAN ABOUT THE GUYS WHO ARE THE WEALTHIEST NOW.
AND EMULATE THEM?
SUE THEM.
GREAT.
IT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

GEE, LOOK AT ALL THESE DEBATES ON OUR DWINDLING OIL SUPPLIES AND OUR DWINDLING WATER SUPPLIES AND OUR DWINDLING FOOD SUPPLIES.
I'M NO EXPERT, BUT DO YOU SUPPOSE IT COULD MEAN WE HAVE...GOSH, I DON'T KNOW...MAYBE...
TOO MANY PEOPLE??!
PAID FOR BY THE 'SOMEONE BETTER START POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS' COMMITTEE FOR A BETTER PLANET.

YOU EVER WONDER WHAT THESE LITTLE HALFCIRCLES THEY PUT AROUND DOORS ARE FOR? I THINK THEY'RE "MAGIC ZONES"! WHEN YOU STAND IN THEM, MAGIC HAPPENS!
SMACK
TA-DAAAAAAAAA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M PLANTING EARWORMS... AN EARWORM'S A SONG YOU HEAR ONCE AND CAN'T GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
Ha Ha Ha Ha THAT'S THE SILLIEST THING I'VE EVER-
GOOD LUCK.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten, me hear you lose tooth.
Yeah, I fell in the kitchen and knocked it out. Why are you asking?
Ohhhh, no reason. Me is juss, like, want be gud neighba.
Whatever.
Oh, well... You me know you okay, me guess me juss leave and--
HOLY SMOKE! ZEEBA NEIGHBA! IS TOOTH FAIRY! OPEN DOOR! GET MONIES!
Look like somone no believe in tooth fairy.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK FOR A DENTIST TO CLEAN MY TEETH.
USE MY GUY. HE'S GOOD.
NO. I ONLY LIKE FEMALE DENTISTS TO WORK ON MY TEETH.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
IT'S THE CLOSEST I GET TO A WOMAN ALL YEAR.

THE CROCODILE CHASES HIS ZEBRA PREY TO A DARK CORNER OF THE SWAMP. THE DOOMED ZEBRA IS TRAPPED, HEMMED IN BY A HIGH BANK.
LIKE ALL GOOD PREDATORS, THE CROC HAS SEARCHED FOR JUST THIS KIND OF OPPORTUNITY TO TRAP HIS PREY IN TIGHT QUARTERS.

ISN'T IT AMAZING THAT THE BUSINESS WORLD, GENERALLY KNOWN FOR ITS NO-NONSENSE PRAGMATISM, IS CENTERED IN SKYSCRAPERS THAT HAVE NO THIRTEENTH FLOORS?
WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THIRTEENTH FLOORS?
SUPERSTITION.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING IS HOW THEY RIP OUT THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR WITHOUT THE REST OF THE BUILDING FALLING DOWN.
PERHAPS I'LL KEEP MY KEEN INSIGHTS TO MYSELF.
THAT'S ONE SERIOUS GAME OF JENGA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
GETTING RID OF MY HAMSTER STUFF... ORVILLE AND STEVE DIED. HAMSTERS DON'T LIVE VERY LONG.
CAN I HAVE THE HAMSTER BALL? I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN USE IT.
WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT CAN USE A HAMSTER BALL?

LOOK AT THIS POOR GUY WHO HAS TO TESTIFY AGAINST THE MOB. NOW HE'S GONNA HAVE TO ENTER THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM AND HAVE HIS ENTIRE LIFE RUINED.
WHAT'S THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?
YOU HAVE TO BECOME AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON WITH A WHOLE NEW IDENTITY AND A COSMETICALLY-ALTERED APPEARANCE.
AND YEAH, WHAT'S THAT CALLED THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?
BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW MY LIFE'S DREAM HAD A NAME.
OHHH, PIG.
I WILL SING LIKE A CANARY!!

ANDY'S OWNER BOUGHT HIM A DOGHOUSE.
SO HE'LL FINALLY GET SOME SHELTER FROM THE STORMS?
YEAH. BUT IT'S NOT QUITE THE RIGHT SIZE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SIZE?

HERE YOU HAVE A COMMENTARY ON THE VARIOUS RELIGIOUS SECTS FIGHTING FOR POWER IN IRAQ. HAGAR, REPRESENTING THE SUNNI MINORITY IN BAGHDAD, IS RETURNING TO A NEIGHBORHOOD DESTROYED BY SECTARIAN VIOLENCE.
THE REAL ESTATE AGENT, A METAPHOR FOR THE RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC MUQTADA AL-SADR AND THE MAHDI ARMY, IS TRYING TO LURE HAGAR INTO PURCHASING A PIECE OF LAND.
HE SYMBOLIZES THE INEFFECTIVE NOURI AL-MALIKI REGIME THAT, WITHOUT U.S. ARMS, IS UNABLE TO HELP HAGAR.
THE TRUTH IS, SYNDICATED CARTOONISTS ARE DOING SOCIAL AND POLITICAL COMMENTARY IN THEIR COMICS ALMOST EVERY DAY. YOU'RE JUST NOT SEEING IT.
DON'T BELIEVE ME? LOOK AT THIS 'HAGAR THE HORRIBLE.' THE SYMBOLISM IS, OF COURSE, SUBTLE, BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE PROVIDED SOME HELPFUL NOTES.
DO THE SECTS RESOLVE THEIR CONFLICT? NO. AND THIS IS NOT, AS ILLUSTRATED BY THE GATHERING CLOUDS OF DISCONTENT, A GOOD SIGN.
JOIN ME NEXT WEEK AS I REVEAL THE CONNECTION BETWEEN GARFIELD'S LASAGNA AND THE RETURN OF THE TOTALITARIAN STATE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM BROTHER RAT... BUY ME LUNCH AND I FORGIVE YOUR SINS... BE CHEAP AND I ESCORT YOU TO A LIFE OF FIERY TORMENT.
I SEE. AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT?
HELLO, PLEASE FOLLOW ME.
STOP SAYING PLEASE.

Okay zeeba neighba...
Crocs tired you games. Crocs find guy who intimidate you. Make you geev up. His name "PIRATE GUY"...
...Where is you?
Patch go on one eye, Larry.
Who say dat?

LOOK AT THIS TELEVANGELIST... HE MAKES SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR TELLING PEOPLE HE'LL PRAY FOR THEM IN EXCHANGE FOR A CONTRIBUTION... DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SICK?
Brother Rat's
Ho use o Redemption
The more that I'm given
The more you're forgiven

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
BOOK CLUB. I FOUNDED IT.
BOOK CLUB? WHAT DO YOU READ?
OH, ALL THE WORLD'S GREAT LITERATURE. THEN WE GO THROUGH SOME OF THE DISCUSSION POINTS I'VE WRITTEN DOWN HERE.
WHAT WAS BIG BIRD'S MOTIVATION FOR GOING TO THE PARK WITH ERNIE?
THAT BIRD IS QUITE COMPLEX.