Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
BOOK CLUB. I FOUNDED IT.
BOOK CLUB? WHAT DO YOU READ?
OH, ALL THE WORLD'S GREAT LITERATURE. THEN WE GO THROUGH SOME OF THE DISCUSSION POINTS I'VE WRITTEN DOWN HERE.
WHAT WAS BIG BIRD'S MOTIVATION FOR GOING TO THE PARK WITH ERNIE?
THAT BIRD IS QUITE COMPLEX.

OKAY, GUYS, TO HELP YOU GET ALONG BETTER, WE'RE GONNA TRY SOME TRUST-BUILDING EXERCISES. PIG, YOU FALL BACKWARDS. RAT, YOU CATCH HIM.
THUD
TEE HEE HEE
I'M A SUCKER FOR A FAT GUY FALLING.

HI. MY FRIEND PIG AND I AREN'T GETTING ALONG. I WAS HOPING YOU COULD HELP US BY BLAMING HIM FOR EVERYTHING AND MAKING HIM CHANGE.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S NOT HOW THERAPY WORKS.
PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT A GOOD FIT FOR US.

I THINK WE'RE A DYSFUNCTIONAL DUO.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
CHANGE.
HOW?
YOU CHANGE FIRST... WE'LL SEE IF IT SOLVES OUR PROBLEMS.
WHAT PART SHOULD I CHANGE?
ALL THE PARTS I DON'T LIKE.
HOW WILL I KNOW WHICH PARTS THOSE ARE?
FINE. I'LL MAKE A LIST OF ALL YOUR PARTS AND NUMBER THEM 0 THROUGH O.
WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS?
THEN AT LEAST WE CAN SAY WE TRIED.
BUT I'M THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TRIED. HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU TRIED?
1 Argumentative

SO THE GUARD DUCK AND SNUFFLES FINALLY MADE IT INTO CUBA TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT AND IMMEDIATELY GOT ARRESTED.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WE HAD TO CONVINCE THE CUBANS THAT THEY'RE ONLY THERE AS PART OF A CULTURAL EXCHANGE. SO NOW THE CUBANS ARE GIVING US SOME OF THEIR RUM AND CIGARS IN EXCHANGE FOR SOMETHING AMERICAN.
WHAT WERE YOU WILLING TO GIVE THEM?

YOU MORONS! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INVADE CUBA! AND WORSE, THEY'RE TESTING ME YOU SHOT A LOCAL POLICE OFFICIAL AND ONE OF HIS DEPUTIES!!
NAA, MON... IS NAA TOTALLY TRUE, MON.
YOU DIDN'T SHOOT THEM?!
WELL, I SHOT THE SHERIFF, BUT I DIDN'T SHOOT NO DEPUTY.
OHHHHH
NOOOO
OHHHHHH

HELLO SIR. IT'S ME, THE GUARD DUCK. WE'VE SUCCESSFULLY LANDED IN HAVANA AND HAVE BEGUN BLENDING IN WITH THE LOCALS.
EXCELLENT WORK, SOLDIER. EXCELLENT.
ONE BIT OF INTELLIGENCE YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN, SIR...THE LOCALS HERE DON'T CALL IT 'HAVANA.' THEY CALL IT 'KINGSTON.'
YOU'RE IN JAMAICA.
BIG SCREW UP, MON.

LISTEN, PAT, YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY THINK YOU’RE GOING TO GET MERCENARIES FROM MIAMI INTO CUBA TO TOPPLE THE CUBAN GOVERNMENT. THEY’LL BE DISCOVERED BEFORE THEY EVEN LEAVE MIAMI.
INCORRECTO, EL MORONO... I’VE DONE MY RESEARCH INTO THE MIAMI SCENE AND MADE SURE THEY’LL BLEND IN WITH ALL THE CURRENT FASHION TRENDS.
NO, NO... I’M CROCKETT, YOU’RE TUBBS.

DID YOU HEAR RAT'S GONNA TOPPLE THE GOVERNMENT OF RAUL CASTRO?
HOW'S HE GONNA DO THAT?
A SEA INVASION. MIAMI TO HAVANA. HIS MERCENARIES ARE ON THEIR WAY TO MIAMI NOW.
MERCENARIES? WHO'S DUMB ENOUGH TO INVADE CUBA?
Meow.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM EL JEFE, THE CUBAN AVENGER. I AM GOING TO TOPPLE THE GOVERNMENT OF RAUL CASTRO.
HERE'S A PREMISE YOU WON'T FIND IN "HI AND LOIS."

Hulloooooo, zeeba neighba. Crocs open bar. So have dreenk. Tell me stories. Make you probbms go away!
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
SEE...IT'S LIKE THIS. I HATE MY NEIGHBORS.
Hmm. Me hear you. HATE nudder dreenk.
YEAH, SEE, THE FACT IS THAT NOBODY LIKES THEM...NOBODY.
AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, THEY HAVE THESE STUPID PLANS, LIKE TRYING TO GET ME DRUNK, SO THEY CAN EAT ME.
WHICH WON'T WORK, BECAUSE I'M SMART. AND THEY'RE MORONS. AND THEY GO TO BED HUNGRY, LIKE ALWAYS.
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG

IN AN EFFORT TO PROMOTE WORLD PEACE, I AM PUTTING TOGETHER A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AND IN NEED OF PHYSICAL SEPARATION FROM THE REST OF THE GENE POOL.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN DOWN SO FAR? PEOPLE WHO START WARS? PEOPLE WHO HURT ANIMALS?
GUYS WHO WEAR SALMON-COLORED SHIRTS.
THEY'RE SORT OF A PRIORITY.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MIKE, THAT FRIEND OF YOURS WHO WAS THE REAL ESTATE AGENT?
HE DIED. HE WAS WAITING TO MEET A FRIEND ON THE CORNER OF MAIN AND THIRD AND A BUS HIT HIM. THE SAD PART WAS, THEY USUALLY MET AT A DIFFERENT SPOT.
LOCATION. LOCATION. LOCATION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE STARTED SELLING STOCK IN YOU. TODAY'S THE INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING...HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY?
NONE. I'M A TOTAL FAILURE.
THAT WILL NOT LOOK GOOD IN THE PROSPECTUS.

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR NOSE?
A 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN... I STOLE IT FROM A HOTEL DOOR.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT ON YOUR NOSE?
BECAUSE I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO LIMIT MY PEACE AND QUIET TO THE INTERIOR OF A HOTEL ROOM.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
DOOR HANGERS... THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR DOORKNOBS ANY MORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM DRESSED AS A GIANT POTATO.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A GIANT POTATO?
BECAUSE I AM OUT OF CLEAN CLOTHES.
DON'T YOU HATE THE DAY BEFORE LAUNDRY DAY?

I'M PERPLEXED BY THE MEANING OF LIFE. IT'S SO ENIGMATIC.
WHAT DOES "ENIGMATIC" MEAN ?
IT'S PUZZLING.
THEN PICK A WORD YOU UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, AFTER AWHILE, THE TIDE'S GONNA COME IN.
I KNOW.

Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
What's Pig doing?
He's chasing airplanes. He does it whenever he gets depressed.
Why would he do that?
Because they're going somewhere and he wants to go there too.
Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
But he doesn't even know where they're going... How does he know he wants to go there?
Because wherever it is, it's not here.
Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever seen?
No.
It's when he runs into the telephone poles.

I'M SORRY, MISTER CROC, BUT I REALLY NEED TO HAVE SOME ALONE BATHROOM TIME.
Too bad for you. Crocs on meeshun. No can be stopped.
FLUSHHHHHH
NO ONE MESSES WITH MY ALONE BATHROOM TIME.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO WATCH "EXTRAS" WITH YOU, ZEBRA... HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
SURE, PIG.
I CAN HOLD IT.

Bad news, brudder crocs... Brudder Bob drown een storm drain.
Why he een storm drain?
Crocs tink it lead to zeeba house. But no true. Ees sewer system dat lead eenside zeeba house.
How we get een dere?
Ees one small step for Larry... One giant leap for croc-kind.

Grate no come off storm drain, Bob.
Water at knees, Larry.
SHUT MOUF, Bob... Larry need tink. Larry need find person help Bob... AHA! Larry got plan!
Do plan FAST, Larry. Water at Bob chest.
Dear Bob's Congrissmun

So storm drain no go to zeeba house, Larry?
No. Drain juss woosh rain to ocean, Bob.
Den Bob want out. Bob no want die.
No panic like girl, Bob. Me juss pull off grate. It no raining. You no die.
Me starting panic, Larry.
Dat real bad break, Bob.

Hey, zeeba neighba... Croc has question.. What storm drains in curb do..?
THEY CARRY EXCESS RAINWATER TO THE OCEAN..
Dey not secrete pathway into mebbe you house ?
NO.
Bad news, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS FOR THE WORKPLACE.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY’RE THESE POSTERS THAT BUSINESSES PUT UP ON THEIR WALLS TO INSPIRE THEIR EMPLOYEES. HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU ONE...
SEE, IT SAYS, “TEAM,” AND EACH OF THE LETTERS STANDS FOR SOMETHING...T OGETHER, E VERYONE, A CHIEVES...M UCH!
AWWWW... THAT’S SWEET. YOU WROTE THAT?
NO, NO... I WROTE THIS...
TH.
I.S
T.his
E.mployer
A.nnoys
M.e...
This Employer Annoys the S#@! Out of Me.
THAT’S NOT VERY INSPIRATIONAL.
PROFANITY IS THE KEY TO ANY GOOD MOTIVATIONAL POSTER.