Pearls Before Swine | Search

Yo, Ebony and Ivory... Mind if we talk to you about your ride?
WHAT ABOUT IT?
It's dooming you, Bro... The wives have noticed it and they think you look weak... So word to the wise... Jack that baby way up in the air and put a set of those super huge monster truck tires on it.
I DRIVE A 'PRIUS'.
Shhhhhh. DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE GAME TONIGHT?
IT'S SOLD OUT.
SO? WE'LL JUST GET TICKETS FROM ONE OF THE SCALPERS OUTSIDE THE PARK.
THOSE GUYS? I HATE THEM.. ALWAYS JACKING UP PRICES.. WHAT KIND OF JERK DOES THAT?
Meow.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK... I WANT TO BE COOL, NOT UNCOOL, WHICH IS WHAT I AM.
WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL.
OH, I KNOW... IT'S JUST STEP ONE ON MY ROAD TO COOLNESS.
WHAT'S STEP TWO?
HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY

Zeeba, neighba! LOOK! Is Stevie Wonder LIVE singing famous zeeba song!
Ebony and Iny, Striped Taggedder, make me so darn hungry
THOSE ARE NOT THE WORDS.
Hmm. Let me see lyric book.
STEVIE WONDER'S BLIND.
Uhh. Let me feel lyric book.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M IMAGINING 'YUMMY BEAR HEAVEN'... IT'S MY HAPPY PLACE... IT'S WHERE I GO WHEN THE WORLD IS TOO MEAN...
DUUUDE, WHY DO YOU SAY THAT STUFF ALOUD? IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SOME KIND OF PANSY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COMPUTER PROBLEMS. I'M TICKED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO POST ON MY BLOG TODAY.
AND YET SOMEHOW THE WORLD GOES ON.
LEAVE.

WELL, HERE WE ARE, THE CREATOR AND STAR OF THIS STUPID STRIP, DEAD AND STUCK SOMEWHERE IN THE - WUH?
SteeEEE-ePhan... It's me, Lisa Klem Wilson, the head of your syndicate... You and Rat cannot die... There's too much money to be made... the books, the calendars, the stuffed animals...
WHOA. THAT'S AMAZING.
YOU MEAN HOW THE HEAD OF OUR SYNDICATE TRANSFORMED HERSELF INTO A GIANT HEAD IN THE SKY?
NO...HOW SHE SLIPPED IN ALL THOSE PLUGS.
THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.
I'm goooood...

WHOA. DUDE. I DIED IN MY OWN STRIP. THIS IS SO MESSED UP.
YOU? WHO CARES ABOUT YOU? I DIED! ME, THE STAR! AND I’M STUCK IN ETERNITY WITH YOU!
WELL, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?!
HOW DO I KNOW? DON’T WE GET SOME SORT OF ANGEL ESCORT OR SOMETHING?
THAT’S ONE HOMELY ANGEL.

OHMYGAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OUR OWN CREATOR DIED. IT'S SO SAD!
SAD? DUDE, IT ROCKS. HE SAID A CHARACTER HAD TO DIE THIS WEEK, AND IT'S NOT US!
WOOHOO!
DID HE SAY IT WAS ONLY ONE?
WELL, NO, BUT I-
YACK
I SUPPOSE IT WOULD LOOK BAD TO JUMP UP AND CHEER.

DO YOU REALLY THINK PASTIS IS GOING TO KILL OFF ONE OF OUR MAIN CHARACTERS?
YEP... AND I'M EXCITED. WE CAN USE A LITTLE THINNING OF THE HERD.
BUT WHO DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE?
SOMEONE USELESS.
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT FUNNY.
...
*GASP*
DIBS ON THE IPOD.

OKAY, GUYS, NOW LISTEN... OTHER COMIC STRIPS HAVE BEEN KILLING THEIR CHARACTERS RIGHT AND LEFT, SO IF WE'RE GONNA STAY COMPETITIVE, I THINK WE HAVE TO "OFF" A CHARACTER ALSO.
ONE OF OUR OWN CHARACTERS.

OH.

OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN... THERE SEEMS
TO BE A TREND IN COMIC STRIPS
OF KILLING OFF A CHARACTER, OR
AT LEAST COMING CLOSE... THEY'RE
ALL DOING IT -- FUNKY WINKERBEAN,
DILBERT, "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE"...
"FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE" IS THAT
THAT GREAT STRIP THAT WAS GONNA
RETIRE, BUT THEN DIDN'T, THEN START-
ED RUNNING REPEATS, THEN DIDN'T,
THEN RAN NEW ONES, BUT THEN FIXED
UP THE OLD ONES AND NOW IS GONNA
RUN NEW OLD UN-NEW NEW ONES?
WHOAAAA... I THINK MY BRAIN
EXPLODED.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO MEXICO. BUT I'M WORRIED ABOUT NOT KNOWING SPANISH.
I KNOW SOME. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
WELL... WHAT'S THE SPANISH WORD FOR TACO?
WHAT'S IT?
THAT'S IT.
WHAT'S THE WORD?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SAID YOU.
YES.
SO WHAT'S THE WORD FOR BURRITO?
IT'S THE SAME.
YES.
THEN WHAT'S THE WORD FOR AN ENCHILADA?
DUDE, DON'T BE A G******** MORON!!
YOU WANT WHAT, SEÑOR?
TWO TACO, ONE THE SAME, AND DUDE, DON'T BE A G******** MORON.

WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU?
MY BACK HURT, SO MY DOCTOR GAVE ME PAIN KILLERS. BUT I THINK I TOOK TOO MUCH. I FEEL WEIRD.
HOW DO YOU MEAN WEIRD?
WEIRD.
HOW WEIRD?
I GOTTA GO.

HEY, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, SINCE I GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS, I THOUGHT I'D WRITE YOURS.
OH, SURE. IT'S MORE COMPLIMENTARY THAN YOU'D PROB-ABLY IMAGINE.
DO I WANT TO SEE THIS?
He drew cartoons,
but they were rotten.
And that is why
He's now forgotten.
YOU SEEM UPSET.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS.
YES, BUT IT'S HARD TO SUM UP A PERSON'S LIFE RESPECTFULLY IN JUST A FEW LINES. HERE, LOOK AT ONE I JUST DID...
Here layeth Bob.
Who never got a job.
But don't be sad, be sunny.
He's done leeching your money.
I DON'T THINK I'LL HIRE YOU.
HEY... DOES ANYTHING RHYME WITH "DRUNKEN HOBO"?

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS FOR PEOPLE'S TOMBSTONES.
YEAH... THIS ONE'S TOUGH, THOUGH, 'CAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T SEEM TO DO A LOT.
LET ME SEE.
He lived. He died. We barely cried.
QUITE A TRIBUTE.
HEY. IT RHYMES.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY, PING PING.
Wuhh?
I SAY... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
So?
WHY DO YOU THINK THE ZOO HAS SO MUCH TROUBLE GETTING LING-LING TO MATE WITH PING PING?
WHO KNOWS.

HEY, RAT... YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY E-MAIL ABOUT HELPING ME MOVE SOME STUFF OUT OF STORAGE.
OH, I RESPONDED. AND I SAID YES... YOU PROBABLY DELETED IT.
WHY WOULD I DELETE YOUR EMAIL?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I TITLED IT 'DISCOUNT PHARMACEUTICALS.'
I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH SUBJECT LINES.

THE ADVENTURES OF DANNY DONKEY
A Children's Story by Rat
Danny Donkey hated
happy people.
I hate you.
He hated their music.
He hated their weekend plans.
Their family photos.
And their unsolicited advice.
But most of all,
he hated their willingness
to whistle.
So Danny Donkey bought a "Bonk O' Matic 2000" and gave each and every happy person he
met one solid whack on the head.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN'T END A CHILDREN'S BOOK THIS WAY... AT A MINIMUM, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DANNY'S BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.
QUESTION IT IN SOME WAY ...
Why he didn't smash them repeatedly,
we'll never know.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR DAN.
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
IT'S MY WIFE... IT REALLY BUGS ME WHEN SHE FLIRTS
WITH OTHER MEN. MAYBE I'M JUST TOO POSSESSIVE...
OH, GEE, DAN...YOU
SHOULD NEVER BE
TOO POSSESSIVE...
YOUR WIFE WILL
THINK YOU DON'T
TRUST HER.
YEAH,
YOU'RE
RIGHT.
I'M
GONNA
APOLOGIZE.
I'LL WAIT 'TIL SHE'S DONE.

PIG GOT A JOB. HE'S A TRAVEL AGENT.
TRAVEL AGENT? DON'T MOST PEOPLE JUST USE THE INTERNET NOW?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID...BUT HE SAID A GOOD TRAVEL AGENT CAN DIFFERENTIATE HIMSELF BY PROVIDING UNIQUE ADDED VALUE.
WHAT'S HE HAVE IN MIND?
I will scrub your toes.

Ees piranha ready, Bob?
Piranha ready, Fred.
Petting zoo
zeebas FREE!!
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS.

DO NOT PANIC, BUT WE ARE BEING INVADED BY SOME KIND OF ROBOT ANDROID SPACE ALIENS.
THAT'S A BLUETOOTH.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU KNOW YOUR SPACE ALIENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CATALOGING MY BODY PARTS.
WHY?
SO IF I LOSE THEM, I CAN REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE.