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What matter you, Meester Sad Girly Face?
I RAN OVER A SQUIRREL WHILE I WAS DRIVING HOME. I FEEL TERRIBLE...
Oh, peese. Beeg whoop.
Yeah. Like beeg whoop, man.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF FEMALE PHRASES
Phrase No. 51
"It's okay."
Definition:
"It's not okay. And if you do it, I'll go off on you in about three weeks for something unrelated."
HAHAHA... SO TRUE. SO TRUE...UH...SORRY, SWEETIE...
OH. IT'S OKAY.

OH NO, zeeba neighba!… IS ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN FROM DA OUTER SPACE! WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN?
Me...Need...Zeeba...Specimen...Or...Me...is...Destroy...Planet.
GOOD. THEN MAYBE ALL THIS MISERY WILL END.
Okay...Dat like really bad attitude.
Yeah, man. Like, take you Prozac.

Listen; Check this out.
Duuude: You're not gonna believe this.
Duuuuwud: What you just said really ticked me off.
Dude Dude Dude: Hot chick at nine o'clock.
THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
Duuuuud.
Dude Dude Dude.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES
Phrase No. 44:
"I'm swamped."
Definition:
"I generally surf the internet eight hours per workday, but am currently in the midst of a five-minute project."
HEY RAT, WOULD YOU MIND—
SORRY, DUDE. TOTALLY SWAMPED.

Dear Diary,
I am fat. I am
going to join a gym.
I will go there every
day. I will lose 50
pounds.
YOU DUMB PIG. IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU GOTTA START SMALL. SET REALISTIC GOALS.
I will drive by
the gym on
my way to
McDonald's.

OKAY, I'LL GUARD DUCK. I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WRITE A LETTER OF APOLOGY TO HUGO CHAVEZ FOR DECLARING WAR ON HIS COUNTRY.
WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?
YOU ALMOST BLEW UP HIS EMBASSY... WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD SAY TO HIM?
Oopsydoopsies.

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE OPENING A NEW TWENTY-FOUR HOUR SEAFOOD RESTAURANT DOWNTOWN. IT'S CALLED "COD-ALL-NIGHTIE"!
IS THAT SO?
YEAH... AND TO CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT THEY SERVE FISH FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, THEY'RE GIVING THE FIRST 100 CUSTOMERS A FREE... HMM... I CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT... A... ATLAS?
ATASS... IT'S PRONOUNCED, 'ATASS'... AND THOSE ARE WORTH FIFTY BUCKS. LET'S GO GET ONE AND SELL IT ON EBAY.
HI... WE'D LIKE AN ATLAS!
OH, I THINK WE GAVE AWAY THE LAST ONE.
WAIT WAIT... WE DO HAVE ONE LEFT...
YES!
FREE ATASS!! FREE ATASS!!
THANK COD-ALL-NIGHTIE FOR OUR FREE ATASS!!
SAY GOODNIGHT, GRACIE.

THE ZEBRA/CROC MEDIATION
I'M SORRY, GENTLEMEN, BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CUT THE MEDIATION SHORT AND EVACUATE THE BUILDING.
WHAT FOR?
WE SHARE THE BUILDING WITH SOME SOUTH AMERICAN CONSULATES AND IT APPEARS SECURITY IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SOME-ONE IN THE PARKING LOT.
Uh...Dónde está Hugo Chavez?

THE FIRST STEP IN MEDIATION IS THE
COMMUNICATION OF FEELINGS IN AN
OPEN, NON-JUDGMENTAL ENVIRON-
MENT... MR. ZEBRA, WHY DON'T YOU
GO FIRST... START WITH, "I FEEL ..."
WELL, I FEEL
SCARED. I'M
AFRAID OF
DYING. AND
I FEEL
VULNERABLE...
SOMETIMES
IT'S JUST ALL
TOO MUCH.
OOOOOOOHHH...
Weepy weepy
leetle girl...
THAT'S A LITTLE
JUDGMENTAL.

HEY, RAT... YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO HEAR THIS... IT'S GUARD DUCK'S "OFFICIAL MORNING BRIEFING" ON THE FRONT YARD.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A BIG PATCH OF GRASS THAT SEPARATES US FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
AND THEY SAY I'M SLOW...

GOOD MORNING, SIR… I HAVE YOUR MORNING BRIEFING, SIR… THAT’S WHERE I UPDATE YOU ON THE COMMINGS AND GOINGS IN THE FRONT YARD, SIR.
OH, OKAY. LET’S HEAR IT.
ITEM ONE: THE FRONT PORCH LIGHT IS BROKEN, SIR… ITEM TWO: THE FRONT HEDGE NEEDS TRIMMING, SIR… OH, AND ITEM THREE… UHHH… I’VE DECLARED WAR ON VENEZUELA.
LEMME GUESS. YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE PORCH LIGHT BROKE.

THE ZEBRA/CROC MEDIATION
Okay, before we start, Mr. Zebra, it seems you’ve brought something to the mediation.
Yes. It’s a book called “The Glory Of Reptiles.” It’s for the crocs.
What a nice way to start things off… Mr. Crocodile, did you happen to bring anything?
Rope to choke zeeba.
This might be a good time for a coffee break.

MY HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION WANTS ME TO GO TO MEDIATION WITH THE CROCS... THEY'RE TIRED OF ALL THE TENSION IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WILL THAT SOLVE ANYTHING?
SURE. IF YOU GET TWO MOTIVATED PARTIES IN A MEDIATION ROOM TOGETHER, WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN?
Me gonna eat him.
High five.

I, RAT, HAVE CONCLUDED THAT MOST OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS ARE CAUSED BY STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID THINGS. THIS IS MY CREED. BUT THERE IS AN ANSWER.
I WILL CLASSIFY EVERY PERSON AS A 'SMARTO' OR A 'STUPIDO' BASED ON MY 'ANALYSISO'.
THE 'STUPIDOS' WILL BE THROWN OFF A CLIFF...
...BOUNCE OFF A TRAMPOLINE
...AND LAND ON 'LA STUPIDA'.
THERE, THEY CAN PERFORM ACTS OF STUPIDITY UPON THE OTHER STUPIDOS. NEVER TO BOTHER THE SMARTOS AGAIN.
HELLO, PIG.
HI RAT. GIFTS AND SHELTER ? I'M STAYING.
EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN PUT ON THIS ISLAND. WE RULE THE WORLD ! WHEEEE !!
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY STUPID PEOPLE, JUST SMART PEOPLE MAKING BAD DECISIONS. I THINK WE'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

DUDE, GET OUT OF MY STINKIN' BED.
BUT I'M SCARED... YOU SAID EVERYTHING BAD THAT EVER HAPPENS TO SOMEONE
HAPPENS AFTER THEY GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
DUDE, I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID... GET OUT OF MY STINKIN' BED BEFORE--
HEY, RAT... THE DOOR WAS OPEN SO I-- OHHHHHhhuhhh MY...
NO NO NO NO NO... NO 'OH MY'S'... THIS IS NOT AN 'OH MY' DO NOT SAY 'OH MY'...
OH MY.

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED, RAT??... IT'S ALREADY NOON.
I'VE DECIDED TO STAY IN MY BED FOREVER AND SLEEP MY LIFE AWAY.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE EVERYTHING TRAUMATIC THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME HAS HAPPENED AFTER I GOT OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
DON'T MIND ME.

RAINY DAYS DEPRESS ME.
GET IN LINE, DUDE...THEY DEPRESS EVERYONE.
EVERYONE?
EVERYONE.

Hulllooo, zeeba neighba...
Leester...How you like
beeg box of 'Crockios'
cereal? Each box come
wid special prize!
WHY IS
YOUR
FRIEND
STANDING
IN IT?
He da special prize.
No worry. Me wash feet.

I'M BORED WITH MY LIFE.
CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE.
DO SOMETHING NEW.
LOOK AT LIFE IN A
FRESH WAY.
DUDE,
THAT'S
LAME.
IT'S NOT LAME. I
KNOW SOMEONE WHO
DOES IT ALL THE TIME
AND HE'S QUITE HAPPY.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
LARRY?
Crocs find zeeba water valve. Turn off. Dis mean zeeba have to dreenk from croc swamp, where we is keel heem and ---
WHUH?
NOOOOO
BOOOOO HIIISSSSS
BOOOOO
WHY DO YOUR NEIGHBORS BOO THE "SPRINKLETT'S WATER MAN"?
LONG STORY.

The Passionsaurus was strong and virile.
He roared.
He romped.
He stomped.
One day, the Passionsaurus stumbled upon a tiny creature, the Routinesaurus.
I will topple you, Passionsaurus.
said the Routinesaurus. The Passionsaurus laughed.
As the days went by, the Passionsaurus came upon more Routines. And these.
Me met Mortgages. And Car repairs. And THE KIDS.
AND TAXES.
And the Routines multiplied.
And they threw rocks.
And one day, through sheer numbers and persistence, the Routines finally toppled the great Passionsaurus, who fell, not with a bang, but a whimper.
YOU CALL THIS A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD??
I SAID THIS IS THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR DAMN ROUTINES!!

Dear Nabeezco®,
We looking for bisness partner to develop new fud product. Product is dis: Shovel leetle bit Zeeba meet in medele of cookie dough.
You problee tinking "Best idea we eber hear, but what we name?"
No worry. Me got it..
Zeeb newtons.
P.S. Peese no reep me off.

PIG'S NEW FRIEND, JACK
WELL, PIG, I GOTTA GET GOING. IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, JACK?
GOTTA GO TO THE DOCTORS. SEE ABOUT GETTING A GROWTH REMOVED.
I AM NOT A ‘GROWTH.’
WHATEVER, DUDE.

I'LL TELL YOU, PIG... IT'S HARD TO BE A JACK... WE GET NO RESPECT.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
YOU GOT THREE PEOPLE DRESSED AS ROYALTY IN THE DECK. TWO OF THEM, YOUR KINGS AND QUEENS, HAVE RULED NATIONS THROUGHOUT HISTORY. SO TELL ME, WHAT THE @#$% IS A 'JACK'?
IT'S A DIS!
BINGO, HOMES. I SHOULDA BEEN A PRINCE.