Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hi, CAN I HELP YOU?
Hi. Me is Corporal Sanders. Peese fill bucket wid free cheekon so me can test quality.
IT'S COLONEL SANDERS.
AND YOU'RE NOT HIM.
How you know dat?
FOR ONE THING, HE'S DEAD.
Oh. News travel slow een Kentuckyland.

BEHOLD... THE "CHAIR O' GREAT AUTHORITY"... IT GIVES ME GREAT AUTHORITY.
WHY?
POW
PLEASE DON'T CHALLENGE THE CHAIR O' GREAT AUTHORITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M HUNGOVER. NOW THAT I AM A GREAT WRITER, I TRY TO ONLY WRITE WHEN I'M IN THE THROES OF DIONYSIAN BLISS.
HERE, READ MY WORK FROM LAST NIGHT AND TELL ME IF I STRUCK ANY NUGGETS OF LITERARY GOLD ...
BEER
GOOD.
I'D SAY
NO.
CURSES. BUY ME ANOTHER SIX-PACK.

RAT, I'VE BEEN READING YOUR WORK AND I DON'T THINK I LIKE IT... I'M ALWAYS PORTRAYED AS A DUMB GUY.
YES, WELL, ALL GOOD WRITERS EXPOSE AND EXPLOIT THE LIVES OF THOSE AROUND THEM. THAT'S CALLED "OUR GIFT TO THE WORLD."
WELL, CAN'T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A COOL NICKNAME OR SOMETHING?
SURE, I GUESS. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
"Real happy," replied Lardo, the Drooling Idiot.

HEY, RAT, PIG JUST READ ME
ONE OF YOUR STORIES... THE
WRITER HAS FRIENDS NAMED
'PIG,' 'ZEBRA,' AND 'GOAT'... AND
HE CALLS GOAT AN ARROGANT
'NO-NOTHING' FATHEAD.'
WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOU.
HERE, LOOK AT THE
SPELLING...
Goatt
THE LAWYERS ASSURED
ME THAT WAS
SUFFICIENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM ERNEST HEMINGRAT. I AM GOING TO BE A GREAT WRITER BY CHRONICLING THE EVERY DAY HAPPENINGS AROUND ME. I SHALL LEAVE OUT NOTHING.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE HARD TO HAVE EVERY EMBARRASSING DETAIL OF YOUR LIFE KNOWN TO EVERYONE?
YES, WHICH IS WHY I'VE DECIDED TO ONLY CHRONICLE YOU.
ME? BUT HOW WILL I BE DEPICTED?
"Poorly," he told the fat, stupid pig.

Danny Donkey hated men who followed trends.
I hate them.
He hated baggy jeans.
He hated caps that had to be worn a certain way.
He hated stubble.
And he really, really hated neatly trimmed goatees.
ARE YOU DONE?
BUT MOST OF ALL HE HATED OVERSENSITIVE TALENTLESS CARTOONISTS WHO THINK THEY'RE GOD'S GIFT TO CARTOONING.
HEH HEH HEH
DON'T WE ALL, DANNY DONKEY...
DON'T WE ALL

I'M TOO STRESSED. TOO NERVOUS. TOO RUSHED. I NEED PEACE IN MY LIFE. I NEED CALM.
TRY MEDITATION.
DIDN'T WORK.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH PIG'S GYMNASTICS TRAINING?
THEY'VE GOT HIM DOING THE VAULT.
THE VAULT? I HOPE SOME- ONE EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT AT THE END OF THAT RUN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT THAT SPRINGBOARD AND LAND ON TOP OF THE VAULT.
WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO?

HEY, PASTIS, SINCE THIS COMIC
IS SUPPOSEDLY READ BY LOTS
OF PEOPLE, I’D LIKE TO START
INTRODUCING NEW PHRASES
INTO THE POPULAR LEXICON...
YOU KNOW, LEAVE MY MARK.
WHAT KIND
OF PHRASES?
CATCHY
ONES. LIKE
‘PULLING
A PASTIS.’
WHAT’S
‘PULLING
A PASTIS’?
‘TO FAIL, TO FALL ON
ONE’S FACE, TO TURN
ONE’S OWN LIFE INTO
A GROSS ABOMINATION
OF ALL THAT IS
WONDERFUL.’
OH, SURE... KILL
THE MESSENGER.

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO LEAVE EVERY PLACE I VISIT A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHEN I ARRIVED.
I THINK YOU DO THAT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE A ROOM, I SAY TO MYSELF, "HEY, THE ROOM'S A LITTLE BETTER.
OHH, THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
THE BEST INSULTS ARE THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE COMPLIMENTS.

HOW'S PIG DOING ON THE WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS TEAM?
HE'S DOING THE RINGS.
THE RINGS?? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH UPPER BODY STRENGTH IT TAKES TO HANG FROM THOSE THINGS?
YEAH. I'M NOT SURE HOW HE'S ABLE TO DO IT.

PIG IS TAKING GYMNASTICS. HE WANTS TO ONE DAY BE ON THE U.S. OLYMPIC TEAM. CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE EFFEMINATE THAN THAT?
ARE YOU NUTS? THERE'S NOTHING EFFEMINATE ABOUT WANTING TO BE ON A GYMNASTICS TEAM.
THERE IS WHEN IT'S THE WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS TEAM.
CALL ME NADIA.

Dear David Beckham,
You are a great
soccer player! How
can I be a great
soccer player?
Dear Andy...
Practice!
Practice!
Practice!
How
else ?

HEY, WHY'D THEY CHANGE THE COLOR OF THESE DINER STOOLS?
I DUNNO. WHY'S IT MATTER?
BECAUSE THIS REPRESENTS CHANGE. I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE. I LIKE EVERY ASPECT OF MY DAY TO REMAIN EXACTLY THE SAME, AS DEVIATIONS SUCH AS THIS CARRY THE DEVASTATING POTENTIAL FOR DESTROYING THE FRAGILE BALANCE THAT IS ME.
IT'S A CHAIR.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT HOME, CRYING, IN A DARK CORNER OF MY CLOSET.

DO YOU THINK I'M FAT?
YES. YOU'RE FAT.
YOU KNOW, MOST FRIENDS TRY TO SAY SOMETHING REASSURING WHEN THEY'RE ASKED A QUESTION LIKE THAT.
REST ASSURED, YOU'RE FAT.
NEVER MIND.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I FEEL COMPELLED TO WARN YOU OF SOMETHING... YOUR NEW PEN PALS -- THE CROCS -- ARE JUST BEFRIENDING YOU TO EAT YOU.
EAT ME? WHY?
YOU'RE A PIG, SIR... THE CROCS LEARNED YOU'RE THE SOURCE OF PORK AND SAUSAGE AND HAM AND BACON.
OH MY.
YOU'RE SHOCKED.
I'M HUNGRY.
YOU'RE DISTURBING ME, SIR.

I'M AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.
WHY ?
BECAUSE IT'S SO NEBULOUS.
WHAT DOES NEBULOUS MEAN ?
IT'S REALLY UNCLEAR.
THEN WHY USE THE WORD ?
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

Hulllooo leetle piggy... How you like play game? We call 'No Go Croc Mout.'
OH, BOY! HOW'S IT WORK?
You ees run toward croc mout'! Eef you avoid mout', you WEEN!
I WIN? OH, BOY! BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T AVOID IT?
Uh. You lose.
NUTS.
Weening not eevryting.

DID I GET ANY MAIL?
DID I GET ANY MAIL?
YOU DID, ACTUALLY. YOU BETTER NOT BE ACTING AS YOUR OWN PEN PAL AGAIN.
I'M NOT. I GOT A REAL PEN PAL. SOMEONE WHO WRITES ALL THE TIME! SOMEONE WHO KEEPS INVITING ME TO HIS HOUSE! FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A FRIEND AS MUCH AS I DO! HE'S EVEN GIVEN ME A NICKNAME, STRANGE AS IT IS.
WHAT'S THE NICKNAME?
Dear Bacon Butt

LARRY! LARRY! YOU IS NO BELIEVE IT!
What ees it, Floyd?
Me is watch dackenamerny, Larry. On teesleevish! It show factory dat make ham, pork, bacon, SAUSAGE! Me see how dey make it all!
WOT?? Larry want go dere right now!
HA! DAT BEST PART, LARRY! We not need go dere to get food.
You is better not messing wid Larry, Floyd, becuss dis like BEST DAY EVER OF LARRY LIFE!!
Me not. All dis fud in one building close to us, Larry! One building. We juss need go dere!!
LARRY WANT GO MAGICAL BILDEEN NOWWWNNN
SOMEONE'S AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR YOU.

Dear Me,
Hi, You're nice. Will
you be my pen-pal?
If yes, please so
indicate with a happy
smiley face.
(like this)
DUDE, IF IT EVER FOUND OUT
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS
SUCH A LOSER THAT HE
AGREED TO BECOME HIS
OWN PEN PAL, I WOULD
KICK HIS SAD LOSER BUTT
FROM HERE TO THE POST
OFFICE.

Dear cell phone company,
Last month I exceeded my monthly minutes while talking to my relatives and got charged extra.
While I admit making these calls to my relatives I must ask for a refund for the following reason.
I did not enjoy their conversation.
HOPEFULLY, THEY KNOW MY RELATIVES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
IT'S MAURA, SIR. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I KNOW IT.
OH, LIL' GUARD DUCK.
I DON'T GET IT, SIR. THEY SAY IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE… WELL, I DID THAT, SIR, AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK… OHHH, SIR… WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN? WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, CHAIN THEM TO A HEAVY KITCHEN APPLIANCE.
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SUGGESTION!
I WANT A GIRLFRIEND, SIR… NOT A HOSTAGE.

THE COWS ARE TAKING HOSTAGES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT HERE, ON THE SIDE OF THE MILK CARTON, THEY PUT A PHOTO OF THIS OLD GUY WHO THEY SAY IS "MISSING." THEN THEY ADD, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?"
I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY DAIRY COWS.