Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Pigita,
I have problems.
I have insecurities.
Please date me anyways.
YOU DUMB PIG... GIRLS ARE ATTRACTED TO CONFIDENCE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS BAD... I THOUGHT THAT MEANT YOU HAD A BIG HEAD.
THAT'S ARROGANCE... CONFIDENCE IS SOMETHING LESS. SHOW HER YOU HAVE IT.
I have a medium-sized head.

HIYA, RAT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I THOUGHT I'D DO SOMETHING FUN, SO I DROVE TO THE PET STORE AND BOUGHT US A PARROT, BUT ON THE WAY BACK, I GOT CAUGHT IN A THREE-HOUR TRAFFIC JAM.
@%&#
*#@%
*%#@
*@#%&%#*#
WE MAY HAVE TO DEPROGRAM HIM.

THIS SURE IS A TERRIFIC HISTORY BOOK... IT'S CALLED "THE GREAT INFLUENZA" BY JOHN BARRY.
OH, BOY... DOES IT MENTION MY GRANDMA?
DID SHE DIE?
NO. BUT SHE HAD A GREAT INFLUENZA ON MY LIFE.
IT WAS A PLAGUE, PIG.
PLEASE DON'T INSULT MY GRANDMA.

HOW DOES YOUR HEART KNOW TO KEEP BEATING WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP?
YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS HANDLES IT, UNLESS YOUR CONSCIOUS MIND STARTS TO FOCUS IN ON IT. THEN YOU CREATE UTTER BRAIN CHAOS. SO IT'S BETTER NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY DO YOU TELL HIM STUFF LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND BESIDES, EVEN A MORON LIKE PIG KNOWS WHEN HE'S BEING MESSED WITH.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THESE PRISONERS WHO BUSTED OUT OF FEDERAL PRISON? I GUESS ONE OF THEM IS STILL ON THE LAM.
WOW. THAT'S HARD TO PICTURE.
WHAT'S HARD TO PICTURE?
MOVE, YOU GRAZING, MOVE.

Dear my girlfriend Pigita…
You complete me. Please don’t ever break my heart. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Dude, if you really want to touch her, emphasize some of the words… Just write ‘em bigger or something. Makes her think you really, really mean it.
Which ones?
I don’t know…just pick a word in a sentence or something.
Dear my girlfriend Pigita…
YOu complete me. Please don’t ever BREAK my heart. You are the WIND beneath my wings.

I'VE DECIDED TO
START SAYING
SORRY FOR ALL
THE WRONGS I'VE
COMMITTED AGAINST
OTHERS.
BECAUSE
YOU'VE
REALIZED
ALL THE PAIN
YOU'VE
CAUSED?
BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED
SORRY IS JUST A WORD
AND YOU CAN SAY IT
WITHOUT MEANING IT.
THAT'S
NOT
NICE.
SORRY.

Dearest Pig, these are dark days.
Days filled with empty bottles and empty hearts and an abundance of unwanted clarity.
For I now see that to love is to leap an unleapable gorge and hope that a rope will be thrown from the other side.
When it works, it’s a spectacular feat of daring. And when it doesn’t, it’s kersplat.
Kersplat.

Dearest Pig,
I sit alone in a clean, well-lighted cafe. It is closing time. And I am drinking brandy through tears.
Maura has left me.
She told me this afternoon. In this cafe. And it was not for a guy. It was for a job. A spokesperson job for a corporation whose name I will not soon forget.
AFLAC!

WHAT'S THE MATTER TODAY, MAURA? YOU'RE NOT INVADING SIAM WITH YOUR USUAL FLAIR.
QUACK
"WE HAVE TO TALK"? "WE HAVE TO TALK"? YOU JUST SAID, "WE HAVE TO TALK"...
QUACK
NO, THEY'RE NOT JUST WORDS... THEY'RE BIG WORDS... HUGE WORDS... BIG, HUGE WORDS THAT HAUL DOOM!
WHY, THEY'RE THE FOUR WORDSMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!
YOU WERE SAYING...?

I SURE MISS MY L'IL GUARD DUCK.
HOW'S THAT LITTLE MILITARY WINGNUT DOING?
HE'S SO IN LOVE. HE AND MAURA NEVER EVEN LEAVE THEIR APARTMENT... THEY WANT TO SPEND EVERY MINUTE TOGETHER.
WHAT'S A GUY LIKE HIM DO ALL DAY WITH A GIRLFRIEND?
KAMCHATKA IS MINE!

Whuh ees you reading son?
A BOOK ON MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I'M TRYING TO READ BOOKS ABOUT ALL MY HEROES.
LIKE KING AND LINCOLN AND GANDHI AND TOLSTOY.
Heh Heh Heh...
Ohhhhh, son...
You call dem heroes??
OF COURSE I CALL THEM HEROES.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER HEROES?

Me hungry. Order pezza.
Me not know number.
Call eonformation.
Beep Beep Boop
Welcome to Directory Services.
For English, press "1."
Para espanol, oprima numero dos.
AUGGHH...WHY ME HAVE WASTE TIME WID DIS? WHY CAN DEESE PEOPLE NO SPEAK DA LANGUAGE?
For Croc-ese, peese press tree.
TANK you.
If you no can speak Croc-ese, you no should live een country.
Whuh dis country comeng to?

WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
WERE THEY RACING?
NO, THEY WEREN'T RACING.
GOOD THING, 'CAUSE AN EGG WITHOUT FEET HAS NO CHANCE IN A FOOT RACE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD BE QUIET NOW.
OF COURSE IF IT WAS A BONELESS CHICKEN ALL BETS ARE OFF 'CAUSE THAT POOR GUY WOULD BE STUMBLING AROUND LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR...

Dear Pig,
Well, Maura and I have finally gotten my former feline friend, Mr. Snuffles, to leave our Paris apartment.
While he left without a fight, he is still a cat. And cats can be somewhat passive-aggressive when spurned.
TICK
TICK
TICK
TICK

Dear Pig,
Today I informed my former associate, Mr. Snuffles, that he needed to give me and Maura our space here in Paris. As such, I have asked him to leave our apartment.
Being a cat, he did not respond well to my chasing someone else over him. In fact, he seems somewhat unwilling to leave.
PLEASE UNCHAIN YOURSELF FROM OUR TOILET.

GUARD DUCK AND MAURA IN PARIS
OH, MAURA... OUR TIME TOGETHER HAS BEEN EVERYTHING I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. RUB MY TOES AGAIN, WILL YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?
QUACK
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T RUB MY TOES?
Meeeow.
PERHAPS IT'S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT PERSONAL SPACE.

Dear Pig,
Well, it's me, your old Guard Duck. I finally made it to Paris with the girl of my dreams, Maura. It is the happiest I have ever been.
The only complication so far has been the arrival of my former associate, Mr. Snuffles, a resourceful cat who somehow followed us to France.
While Mr. Snuffles has promised to respect our privacy, I must say that at times he feels a bit like a third wheel.
Meooowww.

WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE GUARD DUCK?
HE LEFT. MAURA, THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, FINALLY RETURNED FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION. NOW THEY'RE FLYING TO PARIS TOGETHER.
I THOUGHT YOUR GUARD DUCK DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FLY.
HE DOESN'T.
THEN HOW'S HE S'POSED TO GET ALL THE WAY TO PARIS?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?

Whuh matter you, woorman?
Studip printer's not working. It's out of ink.
Froo froo
froo froo
Paper jam, boy!
It ees me.
Spidey sense tell me you have paper jam.
NO. WE HAVE AN EMPTY PRINTER CARTRIDGE.
Preenter cartridge? Dat like sooo esspensive... Such reep-off... And no me has powerrr to feex... Oh, no... Me fading fast... Look... like... evil... preenter...
...defeet me.
THUD!
YOUR SUPERHERO IS SOMETHING LESS THAN SUPER.
CURSE YOU, EVIL HOOLITT PACKURD!!

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BOB... HE WORKS IN CONSTRUCTION.
WHAT DO YOU BUILD?
HOUSES.
FROM THE GROUND UP?
CEILING DOWN.
BUSINESS IS REALLY DROPPING.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR MEET
Okay, if we ees all be on same superteam, we ees all need learn leetle bit 'bout other guy's skills.
Paper Jam Boy, how is you clear paper jams?
Ohhhhh... Dat pretty involved.
You really want know?
We really want know.
BOOT
BOOT
BOOT

Whuh matter you, Frank?
Everyone now got super skill 'cept me.
Jus tink someting world really need.
Hmm... Well, sometime when me go bathroom at night, me is close door but it no stay close becus house old and floor no level...
And thus arose Doorstoppo.

OKAY, SO NOW WE KNOW BOB IS PAPER JAM BOY...HIS SUPER ABILITY IS CLEAR PAPER JAMS.
BUT WHAT FRED SUPER SKILL?
ME NOT KNOW. HOW YOU PLAN SAVE EARTH, FRED?
HOW? ME TELL YOU HOW. WHAT IF AFTER BOB CLEAR PAPERS FROM PAPER JAM, DEY ESS BLOW EVERYWHERE, BUT BOB NEEDED DEM STAY TOGETHER IN NICE NEAT, ORIGINAL ORDER?
AND THUS WAS BORN STAPLER HEAD.

Okay, if we ees be superhero, we ees need super special skills. You know, like ability lift earth, breathe fire, freeze oceans, catch bullets.
Me is clear paper jams.
Dat pretty special.