Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE COUNTRY DECIDED TO IMMEDIATELY GO OUT AND SPEND MONEY THIS RECESSION WOULD END OVERNIGHT?
IS THAT SO?
YES SO AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE AND CLAP MY HANDS, AND WHEN I DO, I WANT EVERYONE READING THIS TO GO OUT AND SPEND EVERY DOLLAR IN THEIR POCKET. READY?…. ONE…TWO…THREE!
CLAP CLAP CLAP
TAKE THAT, MR. RECESSION!
AND THEY SAY WE’RE JUST A COMIC STRIP.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
I'M BURNING ALL YOUR ROMANTIC CARDS, SIR. THE 'THINKING OF YOU' CARDS, 'HAPPY ANNIVERSARY' CARDS. LOVE'S NOT REAL, SIR, AND THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
LISTEN, PAL. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF LOVE DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BURN ALL OF OUR CARDS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, SIR. I DID NOT BURN *ALL* OF OUR CARDS. I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THOSE.
YOU LEFT THE CONDOLENCE CARDS.
NOW DEATH... THAT'S REAL.

WHAT KIND OF CARD ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, BOB?
JUST A "THINKING OF YOU" CARD. THIS GIRL I'M DATING IS REALLY SPECIAL AND I WANT HER TO KNOW IT... AHA... HERE THEY -
... ARE
WE SHOULD TRY ANOTHER STORE, BOB.
SAVE YOUR MONEY, BOB. BUY A BEER.

I HAVE A SOLUTION TO OUR ECONOMIC CRISIS! LET'S TAKE EVERY BANKER AND POLITICIAN THAT GOT US INTO THIS AND PULL THEM FROM THEIR CUSHY MANSIONS AND TAR AND FEATHER THEM.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S BARBARIC AND INHUMANE
MMMPH MPH MMPH
WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS BEFOREHAND.
PIPE DOWN, BIG BIRD.

HEY, PIG... WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU AND I WERE BURIED TOGETHER ONE DAY? WE COULD SPLIT THE COST OF THE GRAVESTONE AND ALL.
OH MY GOODNESS. I’D BE HONORED.
OH, GOOD, BECAUSE I ALREADY HAD IT BUILT.
CAN WE PUT MY NAME SOMEWHERE?
OH, YEAH. I SPRAY-PAINTED IT HERE.

HELLO, GOAT. WOULD YOU LIKE A NEWS-
PAPER? ME AND MY BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT
MANAGER, PIG, SELL ALL THE NEWS OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD FOR JUST ONE DOLLAR.
OR, IF YOU'D LIKE, YOU CAN READ IT ALL
ONLINE FOR FREE.
WHY WOULD
I BUY IT
IF YOU'RE
GIVING IT
AWAY FOR
FREE?
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I NEED TO KICK MY
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT
MANAGER IN THE
OOMPA LOOMPAS.
OHHH,
NOT
THE OOMPA
LOOMPAS.

RAT'S FAIRY TALE OF FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE
Once upon a time, there was a bank C.E.O. who decided to make a lot of home loans to people who knew they could not pay them back.
As a result, Mr. Bank C.E.O. made $50,000,000 in bonuses and stock options.
But then the loans went bad.
And as a result, the bank's shareholders lost $10,000,000,000.
And the bank's homeowners lost their money.
And taxpayers with no connection to the bank had to pay all of the money to fix it.
And Mr. Bank C.E.O. got to keep all of his $50,000,000 and live happily ever after in his Connecticut mansion.
WHERE'S THE FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE IN THAT??
WHOAAA. PERHAPS I SHOULD'VE LEFT THIS ONE OUT.
OH, I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES STUPID GUYS STUPID. IS IT GENES? IS IT ENVIRONMENT? IS IT SOMETHING IN THE WATER?
HMM. WELL, IF I KNOW MY SCIENCE, AND I THINK I DO, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO THROUGH AND TEST EACH HYPOTHESIS ONE BY ONE.
THE LAB WILL NEED IT.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL STRESSED OR SAD OR BAD?
I PRETEND I'M A LITTLE KID AGAIN AND I'M SNEAKING THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD HOME...I TRY TO REMEMBER HOW DOORS OPENED, HOW CLOSETS SMELLED, HOW FLOORS SQUEAKED.
THAT'S THE LAMEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.

HEY, LARRY... I'VE DECIDED TO BRING
BACK YOUR WIFE. SORRY FOR KID-
NAPPING HER... I'M THROWING IN
A BUCKET OF CHICKEN SO THERE'LL
BE NO HARD FEELINGS.
OHHH... ME
SO MAD
AT YOU!
YOU ARE?
YOU NEVER
SEEMED
TO CARE.
YOU
BET ME
CARE!
YOU
NO
ENCLUDE
MASH
POTATOES.
I'LL MASH
YOUR
POTATOES!
Me go
eenside
now...
Protect
my potatoes.

And so to defeat the vile Zebra, our hero, Paper Jam Boy, forges a new alliance with a dark stranger, the Waterfowler.
...In whom he places his complete trust.
And so when we ees get een zeeba house, we will clear all paper jam from zeeba copier, like this, while you is---
And from whom he learns a valuable lesson.
WHAM
WHAM
... Never trust a duck.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT SAYS, "ADD TONER," NOT "KILL LOWER."

In the dark night of the soul, a weary duck commiserates with the bottle.
And he ponders…
How did I get here?
Am I good?
Or am I…evil?!
Once a guard duck…
Then a lover.
And then alone. Left by a girl who chose a life as a corporate spokesperson over him. A decision he needs to forget…
AFLAC!
But can't…
NOOOOOOO

And so the Fantastic Four was down to one.
One who realized the perils of now acting alone.
One who realized the need for an ally.
And so the call was put out for someone fierce, someone with nothing to lose, someone with a past, someone whose heart has grown cold....

THEY CALL ME "THE WATERFOWLER."

A child in distress.
And a kidnapped mother.
And a dead superhero.
And one hero very much alive.
Doorstoppo.
Intent on avenging his friend, saving a mother and jamming each and every door in the vile Zebra’s home.
THUD
And another tragedy.

PATTY, I'M GONNA BE IN MY OFFICE DOING SOME PAPERWORK. GOTTA REMOVE SOME STAPLES FROM THESE DOCUMENTS WITH THIS STAPLE REMOVER. SO IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME—
...STAPLE REMOVER...
CURSE YOU, ZEEBA NEIGHBAAAAAAAAH

IT IS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT…
A SOW LIES AWAKE…
WAITING FOR NEWS…
HIS MOTHER KIDNAPPED…
HER FATE IN THE HANDS OF RESCUERS…
RESCUERS IN WHOM THE YOUNG BOY PLACES HIS COMPLETE FAITH
WHAT CAN ME STAPLE?!!

Okay, son, you ees be happy to know me contact proper authoritees to rescue kidnapped mom...
Dey on way now.
OH, THANK GOD!...WHO'D YOU CONTACT?!? A S.W.A.T. TEAM?? THE F.B.I.??...THE C.I.A.??

Son... He has some news... Mudder get kidnapped?
KIDNAPPED? OHMYGOSH! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO??
Son... son... Peease... Calm down. Dad have step-by-step plan.
OKAY. OKAY... WHAT DO WE DO FIRST?
Debate pros and cons.
LIFE WID MOM GONE
PROS
1) FREEDUM.
2) MORE FREEDUM.
3) FUNN.
CONS
NONE ME CAN TINK OF.
P.S.
SHE'S MY MOTHER. I'D MISS HER.
Hey! Dat our first con.

I have your wife. Will exchange for argument to
leave me alone. Awaiting prompt response.
THANK YOU CARDS

WOOMUN! LARRY NEED CUPPA JOE!
CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE CUPPA JOE
AT LEAST HE'S NOTICED YOU'RE GONE.
GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO COME IN HERE TODAY, MR. ...UH...LARRY...AS I'M SURE YOU'VE SURMISED, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SON, JUNIOR ...
HUH? WHAT'D HE DO?
OH, NOTHING, SIR...IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HIM ABOUT HIS HOME STUDY HABITS AND HE SAID THAT SOMETIMES WHEN HE'S READING, YOU COME IN AND SAY...
'BOOKS IS FOR IDIOTS.'
BAH. ME NO SAY NUHTEENG.
WELL, SIR, I'M SURE YOU'D AGREE READING IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE...WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT IT? I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, SIR, BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ, DON'T YOU ..?
OH, PEEESE...OF COURSE ME KNOW, MEESTER ...
PRANCER AND VIXEN.
OOHHH LORD --
ON DONNER! ON BLITZEN!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, ZEBRA?
A PEACE PROPOSAL TO LARRY, THE CROC NEXT DOOR... I'M OFFERING TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING HE WANTS IF HE'LL AGREE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
DOES HE WANT SOMETHING YOU HAVE?
HE BETTER!
LONG STORY.

Hey, Junior... Where you mudder? Me no can find her anywheres.
SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME ERRANDS, BUT SHE'S BEEN GONE ALL AFTERNOON. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
I MEANT TO FIND HER.
Find her? Oh, dat beeg meestake.

EVERY TIME I STARE AT MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, I FEEL SO FAT AND DUMPY.
OH, PIG, WHY?
WHY? LOOK AT HIM.
I THINK HE'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.

HEY, RAT.
IT'S ME, PIG...
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M AT THE HILTON DOWNTOWN...
THE SOCIETY OF ANGRY MISANTHROPES IS HOLDING ITS ANNUAL
'PEOPLE HATERS' CONVENTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE LARGEST GATHERING OF PEOPLE WHO HATE ASSOCIATING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ANYWHERE IN NORTH AMERICA.
OH, YEAH?
HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT.
NO ONE'S LEFT THEIR HOTEL ROOM.
THAT'S AN ODD ORGANIZATION.