Pearls Before Swine | Search

Elly Elephant did everything for Henry Hippo.
She cut up his fruit for him.
She bought his clothes.
She made his plane reservations.
She paid the bills.
She moved the lawn.
She did the laundry.
She did the dishes.
And she vacuumed.
And she dusted.
And she made the bed.
One day, Elly Elephant asked Henry Hippo a question, "What do you do for me?"
Stumped, Henry Hippo handed her a corn chip. "I hand you the corn chips," he said.
Elly Elephant suffocated Henry Hippo with the corn chip bag.
WHAT KIND OF ANNIVERSARY CARD IS THIS!?
THE TRADITIONAL KIND.
OH, I TORE A PIECE OF CORN CHIP BAG.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL?
I GUESS THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE BODY LIKE A HOUSE, AND SINCE THE EYES ARE IN FRONT, AND YOU CAN SEE INTO THEM, THEY'RE LIKE THE FRONT WINDOWS OF A HOUSE.
NOW I'M WORRIED.
WHY?
I MIGHT BE SITTING ON THE BACK DOOR.

STEPH! COME QUICK!! FORGET ABOUT MARY NORTH! ONE OF THE KIDS FROM 'CUL DE SAC' JUST SET FIRE TO OUR ********** KITCHEN!!!
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
OH MY GAND! HEY! KID! CALL 9-1-1!! NOW!!!
9-1-1. WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?
HELLO? HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE? HELLO?
NEVER LET THE PANTOMIME CHARACTER CALL 9-1-1.

I DON'T GET IT. I ASKED MARY WORTH A QUESTION YESTERDAY AND SHE STILL HASN'T RESPONDED.
SERIAL STRIPS ARE DIFFERENT THAN HUMOR STRIPS, STEPH. THE PACING CAN BE PRETTY SLOW. CONVERSATIONS CAN GO ON FOREVER. AND THEY DON'T END WITH FUNNY PUNCH LINES.
SOUNDS LIKE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
DO YOU MIND?
MOVE, MARY WORTH, MOVE!

MARY WORTH, I'M SO SORRY. RAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE SHOVED YOU IN THE CLOSET. FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE A SERIAL STRIP ICON. ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
WHEN DOES SHE RESPOND?
FOUR MORE STRIPS IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
SEE WHY I SHOVED HER IN THE CLOSET?
TO BE CONTINUED...

"HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE"
GUYS, I DON'T THINK THIS CHARITY
DRIVE IS GONNA RAISE MONEY FOR
STRUGGLING NEWSPAPERS UNLESS WE
INVOLVE OTHER COMIC STRIPS.
WE DID.
WE INVITED
"MARY WORTH."
WHERE
IS SHE?
I SHOVED HER
IN THE
CLOSET.
WHAT??
WHY?!
I DIDN'T
THINK I
NEEDED A
REASON.
I'D REACT,
BUT I NEED
TO SLOW DOWN
THE STORYLINE.

KUMBAYAA MY LORD KUMBAYAAAA
WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON HERE?
OH. HI, STEPHAN. IT'S HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE: WE'RE RAISING MONEY TO SAVE NEWSPAPERS EVERYWHERE.
GUYS, PAPERS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
OH. GOOD, 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WRONG AND THE COMICS PAGE GOES AWAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE A LAWYER AGAIN.
KUMBAYAH MY LORD KUMBAYAAAAAA

MY NEIGHBOR FRED DIED SUDDENLY. HE WAS ONLY 42.
WAS HE SUPER-FAT?
NO.
SMOKE FOUR PACKS A DAY?
NO.
FAMILY HISTORY?
NO.
PREVIOUS HEART PROBLEMS?
NO.
USE DRUGS?
NO.
DRIVE SUPER-FAST MOTORCYCLES IN THE RAIN?
NONE OF THOSE... NOTHING...
IT CAN’T BE NOTHING, BECAUSE NOTHING COULD HAPPEN TO ME! MEANING THAT FATE IS WHIMSICAL! THAT I, TOO, COULD DIE ANYTIME! GIVE ME SOMETHING ABOUT FRED THAT MADE HIM DIFFERENT THAN ME!
HE COLLECTED STAMPS?
HIGH-RISK HOBBY. HE WAS DOOMED.

Okay, son. No tell you mom cheekens take Pinemetre. She never like cheekens farm idea een first place.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL HER? I THINK SHE'LL NOTICE ALL OUR FURNITURE IS GONE.
Peese, son. Leave to Larry. Me has long heestory of lying to you mom. Plus, me has essplanation dat both reasonable and blueewable.
GIANT
WE SEE EET YOU
TURMITTER FURNITURE ROBTION
COUCH

THE GREAT CHICKEN REBELION
OKAY, DAD. I'VE NEGOTIATED WITH THE CHICKENS. THEY'VE AGREED TO LEAVE US ALONE PROVIDED WE GIVE IN TO SOME OF THEIR DEMANDS.
Whuh dey want from us?
Bigger chicken coop
More chicken feed?
Dey very demanding cheekens.

DAD, YOUR CHICKENS ARE FURIOUS. THEY MUST HAVE FOUND OUT YOU WERE RAISING THEM FOR FOOD.
Stoopid cheekens.
Wut do we do now?
Gud idea.
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GIVE THEM SOMETHING... SORT OF A PEACE OFFERING. I KNOW THEY HAVEN'T HAD ANY CHICKEN FEED FOR A DAY, SO THEY MUST BE HUNGRY.
Peace, leetle cheekens.
CHICKEN FEED, NOT CHICKEN FRIED, DAD.
Whoa. Look like peace process break down.

HEY, DAD, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT CHICKEN FARMING?
Me sell ranch to Bob. He say key to cheeken ranch is have axe. Show stoopid cheeken who boss.
Me sell at good time.

HOW'S DAD'S CHICKEN FARM GOING?
NOT GOOD. YOUR FATHER DOESN'T KNOW HOW A CHICKEN RANCHER CATCHES A CHICKEN, SO HE'S USING HIS OWN TECHNIQUE.
WHICH IS WHAT?
Peese jump in magical bucket.

BAD NEWS, SON. YOUR FATHER HAS STARTED A CHICKEN FARM. HE WANTS US TO HAVE OUR OWN SUPPLY OF CHICKEN.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT OWNING A CHICKEN FARM. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A CHICKEN FARMER SHOULD LOOK LIKE.
WHAT'S HE THINK THEY LOOK LIKE?

OH MY GOSH! LOOK! A BEACHED WHALE! WHAT DO WE DO, ZEBRA? WHAT DO WE DO?
I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO, PIG. EVEN LARGE BOATS HAVE TROUBLE DRAGGING WHALES BACK INTO THE SEA.
WHY DO WHALES DO THIS?
NO ONE KNOWS, TIG. THERE ARE THEORIES ABOUT CHASING PREY TOO CLOSE TO SHORE, CIRCULATION PROBLEMS, ILLNESS... BUT THE TRUTH IS WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY COME OUT OF THE OCEAN FOR.
WHAT DO YOU COME OUT OF THE OCEAN FOR?
CARAMEL MACCHIATO.
THEY'RE VERY POPULAR DRINKS.
WHOA. I THOUGHT I SAID EXTRA CARAMEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A LETTER TO PIGITA... SHE'S DATING AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR AND I WANT TO WIN HER BACK.
AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR? DUDE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO IMPRESS HER WITH YOUR WRITING SKILLZ. SHOW HER THE SUPERIORITY OF YOUR PROSE, YOUR VOCABULARY, YOUR GRAMMAR...
My grammar is soooooo gooder.

HEY, PIG, YOU GONNA WASH MY CAR TODAY OR NOT?
I DON'T KNOW... I WAS THINKING I'D RATHER--
RIP
RIP
RIP
RIP
IT'S A PAPER BAG, SIR.
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW.
GUARD DUCK!!

HEY THERE, RAT, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO TO THE STORE, AND MAYBE GET YOU A SIX-PACK OF 'MILLER' OR SOMETHING, BUT BEFORE I DO, I WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A CHANCE OF THE ALWAYS THIRSTY MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE MENACING ME TODAY.
TODAY? NAAAH... IN FACT, I JUST CHECKED THE MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE ALERT LEVEL AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE IT AT A -
CODE RED?!
I WILL BUY A CASE OF THE WORLD'S FINEST MICRO BREW!!!
BETTER THROW IN SOME NACHOS.

HEY DAD, MOM NEEDS US TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING.
No gonna happen, son. Dad staple face to wall.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
Bob say no can be done. He say only eediot tink staple can hold head to wall.
I DON'T THINK I'LL SHARE THIS WITH MOM.
Who eediot NOW, Bob?
No be bragger, Larry.

I HEARD RAT HAS CREATED A FEAR-MONGERING HAND PUPPET NAMED "MR. HEEBIE JEBBIE."
YEAH, IT'S A PAPER BAG. AND RAT USES IT TO MANIPULATE PIG FROM THE MOMENT HE GETS UP IN THE MORNING.
YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT.
Me want dounuuuuuut.

HEY THERE, GOAT. HAVE YOU MET MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE, THE FEAR-MONGERING HAND PUPPET?
IT'S A PAPER BAG, RAT... YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE GONNA SCARE SOMEONE WITH A PAPER BAG?
IS HE GONE YET?
Ohh, Pig.
SOMEONE BETTER BRING ME ANOTHER BEEEEEEEEEEER.

Elly Elephant loved giving birthday gifts. Especially to her best friend, Henry Hippo.
She loved remembering each little thing Henry Hippo liked.
She made a card incorporating exactly that.
And she loved remembering every little thing Henry Hippo said he needed.
And she’d shop high and low to find it.
On this perfect warm morning, Elly Elephant rose from bed. She was very excited. It was her birthday, and she couldn’t wait to see what Henry Hippo has given her.
We should go as a carousel (“Pooh!” One of allus
-- someone will be finding beads of plenty with no ends),
A ladder bravely rising up in every direction!
No, no oh no no, I don’t know if heaven’s any better than this.
The doorbell rang. It was Henry Hippo. “Happy birthday,” he said, handing her a gift.
“It’s a tape measure from the hardware store. For you,” said Henry Hippo.
Elly Elephant stomped off into her bedroom.
OH, THIS IS A NICE WAY TO END A CHILDREN’S BOOK.
THE END. LOOK WHAT SHE DOES WITH THE TAPE MEASURE.
THAT’S WELL-DONE, HENRY.
GOOD LUCK RETURNING THAT TAPE MEASURE.

CHECK IT OUT. I'M ASSEMBLING A BOOK OF QUOTES BY ME AND OTHER FAMOUS PHILOSOPHERS.
OH, BOY... LET ME HEAR ONE.
"NOT WHAT WE HAVE, BUT WHAT WE ENJOY, CONSTITUTES OUR RICHES."
WOW... THAT'S WONDERFUL! READ ME ANOTHER.
"THEY GRAB YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU."
...CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS MINE?

THE PIED PIPER-RAT
OKAY, MORONS, NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DROWNING IN THE RIVER, I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET. ZEBRA PAID ME TO LEAD YOU TO YOUR WATERY DEATH!!! SO THERE!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
We can sweem.
I WAS LAUGHING WITH YOU, NOT AT YOU.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHY YOU LOOKING SO TIRED?
SOME IDIOT NEIGHBOR WAS BLARING STUPID 'NSYNC' MUSIC FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. MUST HAVE WOKE UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT FINDS 'BOY BAND' MUSIC THAT COMPELLING?
IT MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT IT AIN'T NO LIE, BABY, BYE BYE BYE BYE