Pearls Before Swine | Search

Elly Elephant wanted a romance.
She wanted a knight.
She wanted brave.
She wanted bold.
She wanted Cary Grant.
She wanted held hands.
She wanted Central Park in the rain.
She wanted intelligence.
She wanted depth.
She wanted long talks before the fire.
She wanted passion and surprise.
Tuxedos and bow ties.
Truth and not the lies.
Hellos and not goodbyes.
One embrace that never dies.
To the tune of heartfelt sighs.
All lost in deep brown eyes.
Unmatured by the cries...
"OPEN YOUR #*&$#*' EYES, REF!!"
Elly Elephant settled for chocolate and a romance novel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
BEING POPULAR.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE POPULAR?
I'M SITTING IN THE POPULAR TREE.
IT'S CALLED A POPLAR TREE.
MIND HELPING ME DOWN SO I DON'T GET A BOO-BOO?

HEY, GOAT... COME ON IN. I JUST FINISHED SETTING UP OUR NEW CAT SCRATCHING POST.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT A CAT.
WE DIDN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU GET A CAT SCRATCHING POST?
SO OUR FERAL BALLERINA WOULD STOP DESTROYING THE FURNITURE.

I'LL BE GOING HOME NOW.

HEY, ZEBRA,
I THINK I JUST
HEARD
A NOISE
FROM UNDER
YOUR FLOOR.
IT'S THE CROCS.
THEY'VE DISCOVERED
THE CRAWL SPACE.
THEY'RE TRYING TO
USE IT TO GET
INTO THE HOUSE.
HOW DO
YOU KNOW
IT'S THEM?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
THEY SMASH THEIR
SNOUTS ON THE FLOOR
JOISTS, THEY TRY TO
DISGUISE WHO
THEY ARE.
Whoa. Me is one huge ant.
OH.
Hey...My
snout
really
hurt,
Floyd.
Shut
mout,
Bob. We
is an*s.

WHAT THE #@%* IS THAT AWFUL
PRIMAL SHRIEKING COMING FROM
OUTSIDE? GO OUT THERE AND
MAKE IT STOP.
SHOO,
FERAL BALLERINA,
SHOO!!
FERAL BALLERINAS ARE QUITE
THE MENACE.

HEY, LOOK, A BALLERINA. I'M GONNA SAY HI.
WAIT, DUDE. I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE KIND YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO. I THINK THAT'S A —
ROWRR
....FERAL BALLERINA.
AND SHE LOOKED SO DOMESTICATED.

THERE'S A GUY AT THE DOOR FROM THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY POOR SWIMMERS HERE IN NEED OF SWIMMING LESSONS.
TELL HIM NO. WE KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
NO.
HE SEEMED DISAPPOINTED.

YO, PASTY PASTIS... HOW'S YOUR MEAGER 'FACEBOOK' FRIEND LIST? SURELY A PITTANCE COMPARED TO MINE.
ACTUALLY, I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU NOW... 'FACEBOOK' DELETED YOUR ACCOUNT.
DELETED IT?? WHY??
I'M NOT SURE, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU CAN HAVE A 'FACEBOOK' ACCOUNT IF YOU'RE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
SO? HOW'S THAT APPLY TO ME??
WHAT?
NOT REAL.
I SEE.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?
SURE.
IN THEORY, THAT DIDN'T HURT.

I AM POPULAR. WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY I AM POPULAR?
NO.
I HAVE STARTED A 'FACEBOOK' PAGE UNDER THE NAME 'PEARLS RAT' AND I CURRENTLY HAVE 475 FRIENDS.
SORRY, RAT, BUT I HAVE A 'FACEBOOK' PAGE TOO AND I'M A LITTLE TOO MATURE TO BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE ON AN INTERNET SOCIAL NETWORK DETERMINES YOUR POPULARITY.
YOUR MOUTH SAYS 'MATURE,' BUT YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND COUNT SCREAMS 'LOSER.'
CHECK, PLEASE.

WHOA. DO YOU THINK WE COULD FAST-FORWARD THROUGH THIS PART OF OUR DVD...?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S JUST THE FBI's ANTI-PIRACY WARNING.
PLEASE DON'T INVITE YOUR PIRATE FRIEND TO OUR HOUSE.
HERE. HAVE A TISSUE.

BAD NEWS. ONE OF YOUR CROCS GOT SHIPPED TO THE "LOVE IS" COMIC STRIP AND ATE THE NAKED GUY. NOW THE NAKED GIRL IS A WIDOW AND THE STRIP'S BEEN RETITLED "LOVE ISN'T."
OHMYGAND! WHAT DID THE NAKED GIRL DO ABOUT THE CROC?
WELL, TURNS OUT SHE WAS ONE HEAT-PACKING MAMA. AND NOW SHE'S GOT A PACKAGE FOR YOU.
'LOVE IS... DOING YOUR OWN TAXIDERMY.'
MIND IF I HANG IT IN MY STUDY?

Well, woomun, me ees ship Burt off to Zeeba house... Now mebbe you shut beeg stroopid wife mouf.
DID YOU PUT AN ADDRESS ON THE PACKING SLIP?
OF COURSE Larry put address on packing sleep! Me write, "To character from comeeic strip who look very slow and weak and eddeeble."
YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, YOU GRACKLE IDIOT.
Whuh...??
Why?!
love is...
...not getting consumed by a reptile.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, LARRY?
Me sheeping Burt to zeeba house. But me keep running out of styrofoam packing peanuts. Me not know what wrong.
Oooooooh... Tummy tummy rumbly.
Peese stop eating styrofoam packing peanuts, Burt.
Name very confusing, Larry.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Me sheeping my cousin Eric to zeeba neighba house. When zeeba open package, Eric pop out, surprise zeeba, keel heem.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE AIR HOLES FOR HIM...HE'S SUFFOCATED BY NOW.
What waste of tape.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ASCETIC MONK. I RENOUNCE ALL THE TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD. I SHALL HENCEFORTH LIVE IN THE FOREST.
HOW WILL I EAT?
I SHALL EAT WHAT THE FOREST PROVIDES. I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH BEAR GRYLLS' "MAN VS. WILD" ON DISCOVERY TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.
BUT YOU'RE SOBER!
NO, FOR IF IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I SHALL CALL THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I CAN WITH MY iPHONE.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA SAY I CAN'T BRING MY `Xbox' OR THIS KEG OF BEER EITHER.
THEN HOW WILL I ENTERTAIN MY DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADER?
I GIVE UP.
YOUR FRIEND IS QUITE THE BUZZ-KILLER.
WE SHALL PRAY FOR HIM.

HI, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, CHI CHI THE CHEETAH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
HE HATES HIS LIFE. HE HATES HIS BODY. HE HATES GETTING UP IN THE MORNING.
WHAT'S HE DO FOR A LIVING?
HE'S A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
STUPID JOB...

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS DRIVING DOWNTOWN AND I HIT A PARKED CAR.
OHMYGAND. DID YOU LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD?
OF COURSE I LEFT A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD.
WHAT'D IT SAY?
IT SAID, 'DUDE, YOUR CAR IS MESSED UP.'
SOME PEOPLE LEAVE PHONE NUMBERS.
I PREFER TO SHOW EMPATHY.

LISTEN, BLACKBEARD, I'M VERY SORRY,
BUT I'M NOT HAPPY WITH HOW YOU'VE
TREATED MY CLOTHES, SO I'VE CONTACTED
MY LOCAL NEWS STATION'S 'SEVEN ON
YOUR SIDE' CONSUMER REPORTER AND
ASKED THAT HE SPEAK WITH YOU.
ARRRRRR
HOW DID IT GO?

LISTEN, BLACKBEARD, I NEED TO PICK UP MY SUIT EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T CLEANED IT YET. IT WAS REALLY EXPENSIVE, AND NO OFFENSE, BUT I'D HATE FOR ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO IT.
ARRRR
YOU HAVE MY SUIT BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME WHERE IT IS? THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND IT?
ARRRR
LONG STORY.

DUDE, THERE'S TOO MUCH STARCH IN MY SHIRT. TAKE IT BACK TO THE DRY CLEANER AND COMPLAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO. MY DRY CLEANER'S A PIRATE.
DUDE. IT'S A COMPLAINT. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S A BIG DEAL.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I'D LIKE TO PICK UP MY SHIRT PLEASE...
OH NO... THERE'S A BIG RIP IN IT, JUST LIKE WITH THE SHIRT I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK.
Arrrgh.
PIRATES MAKE LOUSY DRY CLEANERS.

WHAT'S WITH THE DISCUS?
I'VE STARTED COMPETING IN MEETS. TURNS OUT WHEN I PUT ALL MY WEIGHT INTO IT, I CAN THROW IT FAR.
YOU WON ANYTHING YET?
ALMOST. YESTERDAY I THREW IT SUPER FAR, BUT THIS OTHER COMPETITOR NAMED GUS GOT MY THROW ERASED.
HOW'D HE DO THAT?
WELL, HE WAS REALLY UPSET BECAUSE HE SAID MY THROW GOT LIFTED BY A BURST OF WIND, SO HE WENT TO THE TRACK OFFICIALS.
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
THIS GUS DISCUSSED HIS DISGUST WITH THIS GUST ON THE DISCUS.
YOU ARE WHY NEWSPAPERS ARE FAILING.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
MOMSICLES. THEY'RE LIKE POPSICLES, BUT EACH ONE HAS A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM YOUR MOM WRITTEN ON THE STICK. HERE... LET'S SEE WHAT THIS ONE SAYS.
"PIG, WHEN YOU WERE BORN, I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES FOR YOU. BUT THEN, BECAUSE OF CHOICES YOU MADE, YOUR LIFE SPUN DOWN THE PROVERBIAL TOILET BOWL. OH, WELL... GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO OLD MOM... YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING."
MOM CAN WRITE SMAW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT
"MOMSICLES" THE NEW FROZEN TREAT INVENTED BY ME
AREN'T THEY JUST "POPSICLES"
NO, BECAUSE AFTER YOU FINISH A "MOMSICLE" THERE'S A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM YOUR MOM PRINTED ON EVERY STICK. HERE, LOOK...
YOU'RE A PROFOUND DISAPPOINTMENT.
I LIKE "POPSICLES" BETTER.
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL THEM "GUILTSICLES."

I HAVE TROUBLE OPENING CONVERSATIONS WITH PRETTY GIRLS.
BUY A BOOK ON GREETINGS AND MEMORIZE THEM.
WHAT KIND OF GREETINGS?
I DON'T KNOW... JUST WELL-KNOWN GREETINGS.
DR. LIVINGSTONE, I PRESUME.