Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, CONCIERGE... HERE'S A BUCK... TELL ME HOW TO GET DOWNTOWN.
YEAH. JUST FLY YOUR HELICOPTER TWO MILES WEST.
HELICOPTER? I DON'T OWN A HELICOPTER.
OH, I FIGURED THAT WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU SAVE BY TIPPING GUYS, YOU MIGHT HAVE BOUGHT A HELICOPTER.
YOU SURE DIDN'T SPEND IT ON THAT TIE.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD REMEMBER TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE "WONDER BREAD" NOW AND THEN?
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, PIG. THOSE WHO HAVE THE GIFT OF THINKING UP GENIUS THEORIES AND THOSE WHO HAVE TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE WONDER BREAD.
WHAT GENIUS THEORIES HAVE YOU THOUGHT UP?
THE 'TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE' THEORY.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.
LESS THINKY, MORE TWISTY.

HEY, CONCIERGE, I WANT
DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR
THAT POPULAR FRENCH PLACE
DOWNTOWN, THE ONE THAT'S
IMPOSSIBLE TO GET INTO.
I'M SORRY,
PERHAPS
YOU MISREAD
MY SIGN.
THE ONE
THAT SAYS
"CONCIERGE"?
YES. COME BACK
WHEN IT SAYS
"JESUS, MIRACLE
WORKER FROM
GALILEE."
STANDING THERE
WON'T MAKE
IT HAPPEN
FASTER.

RAT, THE FRIENDLY CONCIERGE
YEAH, LISTEN PAL... THE WIFE AND I WANT A DINNER RECOMMENDATION AND WE'RE IN A HURRY, SO MAKE IT QUICK... WE DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF FOOD.
GREAT... WELL, IF YOU DON'T CARE, HOW 'BOUT A BIG BAG OF 'ALPO'...
SO YOU DO CARE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ASLEEP AND DEAD, GUYS.
Sorry.
Tough to tell sometimes.

HERE, OLIVE.
WHAT IS IT, ANDY?
IT'S A ROCK. I SCRATCHED SOME WORDS ON IT.
DEAR OLIVE... IN YOUR EYES, I'VE FOUND ACCEPTANCE. IN YOUR HEART, I'VE FOUND A HOME.
OH, ANDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
I WANT TO HOLD IT. IT WILL BE LIKE HOLDING A PIECE OF YOU.
...I FEEL LIKE I'VE RUINED THE MOMENT.

Hey. What matter wid you guys? Metought you was beeg shots.
It's the wives. They're talking about leaving us.
Leaving you? Is dis da wifes who is hunt for you?
Yep.
Hullo, bootiful.

HEY, CONCIERGE. I GOT A PARTY OF TWELVE AND WE NEED DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR RIGHT NOW, SO HOOK US UP WITH ONE OF YOUR MAITRE D' PALS.
SURE. TWO BLOCKS TO THE WEST. TELL RONALD I SENT YOU.
RONALD?
MCDONALD. STRIPED TIGHTS. FLOPPY FEET.
NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
FINE. ASK FOR THE HAMBURGLAR. BUT HE WON'T BE AS FRIENDLY.

SNIFF SNIFF
AAACHOOO
HEAD COLDS AREN'T FATAL.
Nuts.

WHATCHA DOING, ZEBRA?
JUST SELLING SOME OLD STUFF I GOT FROM MY GRANDPA AFTER HE DIED.
CAN WE BUY THE DEAD GRANDPA?  
IT'S HARD TO BE A HYENA IN THE SUBURBS.

HEY, CONCIERGE, GIMME A RECOMMENDATION FOR A GOOD DINNER PLACE.
SURE. I RECOMMEND THE ITALIAN PLACE ACROSS THE STREET.
IS IT GOOD?
NO, IT'S BAD. WHEN YOU SAID 'GOOD,' I THOUGHT IT MEANT 'BAD.' FORGIVE ME. I FIND ENGLISH SO CONFUSING.
MAYBE I'LL FIND MY OWN RESTAURANT.
HAVE A "GOOD" TIME.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS HOTEL ?
I GOT A JOB AS A CONCIERGE. I HELP GUESTS BY GIVING THEM RECOMMENDATIONS.
WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND ?
THAT THEY STAY AT A DIFFERENT HOTEL.
IT'S A NOVEL APPROACH TO CUSTOMER RETENTION.

HEY, MAX. HOW'S IT GOING?
MY MOM'S COMING FOR A SHORT STAY, SO I THOUGHT I'D CLEAN UP A BIT...
Duuuude. IS THIS YOUR "PEOPLE"?
YEAH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
NEVER MIND THAT, BRO... THE WIVES SAW IT FALL OUT OF YOUR MAILBOX...
SO?
Dude, IT'S A CHICK MAGAZINE. NOW THE WIVES THINK YOU'RE WEAK. EFFEMINATE. AN EASY MARK.
WHAT DO I DO?
TAKE THIS BOX OF "GIRLS GONE WACKY" VIDEOS AND SCATTER THEM AROUND YOUR FRONT LAWN.
OHHH, BUT THESE ARE SO... TACKY.
DUDE. IT'S LIFE OR DEATH.
MY SON'S A PERV.
I CAN EXPLAIN, MOM.

Ooooh... Look at beeg tough predator guy... You tink you all dat... Me not impressed, okay?... Me is like, "Whatever".
Duuude, please. You got me all wrong... I don't hunt at all... My wife does all that... I just sit around on my butt and eat.
Me want trade you in.

BEHOLD! MY LATEST INVENTION. A CAR THAT RUNS ON IDIOCY, A NATURAL RESOURCE THAT IS IN ABUNDANT SUPPLY.
THUNK
ALL GASSED UP.

IT SAYS HERE IN THIS ENCYCLOPEDIA THAT CROCODILES' BRAINS ARE THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
WHUH? Me not get it.
Bob's more like pistachio.

HEY NEIGHBOR TIM... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD... BUT I' M TELLIN' YOU... I'M REALLY JONESING FOR A BIG PLATE OF HASH BROWNS.
THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I'M REALLY RATZING RIGHT NOW.
RATSING? WHAT'S RATSING?
THE DESIRE TO BEAT PEOPLE WHO USE TRENDY EXPRESSIONS OVER THE HEAD WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
WAIT. COME BACK.

HI. MY UNCLE DIED AND I'D LIKE A RESPECTFUL BURIAL FOR HIM, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT GIVING HIM OVER TO HYENAS.
PLEASE SIR, WE BURY MANY ANTELOPES, AND RESPECT IS ALWAYS OUR NUMBER ONE--
Hey! Hey! Who am I? Who am I?
Bad time?

HELLO, SIR... I'M HY, FROM HY AND HY'S FUNERAL HOME. HAVE YOU BY CHANCE A DECEASED RELATIVE IN NEED OF OUR BURIAL SERVICES?
FORGET IT. YOU'RE HYENAS... EVERYONE KNOWS YOU EAT DEAD THINGS.
PLEASE, SIR. THAT'S QUITE INSULTING. WE'RE NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER HYENAS.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHAT WITH YOUR PARTNER THERE...
NICE GOING, HY.

Okay, zeeba... Now you had it... Crocs buy DOOMSDAY device... If me press button, you have ESSPLODE. So geeve up now or face consequence.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS, LEAVE ME ALONE.
Ohhhkay, tough guy. Dat what you tink? Me will press, you know... Me will press...
SURE, PRESS IT.
No try to tempt me, zeeba neighba... No you tempt me.
PRESS STUPID THING.
OHHHKAY, zeeba... YOU WANT? YOU WANT?! YOU GET!
>>CLICK << >>CLICK << >>CLICK <<
WHIRRRRR... >>CLICK << WHIRRRR
STOP OPENING THE GIRAFFE GARAGE DOOR, LARRY.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...

HIYA, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DINGO BOY. HE WAS RAISED BY WOVLES.
OH, LORD... THAT'S HORRIFIC. HOW DOES A BEAST LIKE THAT SURVIVE?
I'VE GOT A NICE MIX OF EQUITIES AND SHORT TERM BONDS.
I WAS GONNA GUESS THAT.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA...
LEESTEN... ME HAVE QEEEK QUESTION... IS DAISIES INTERMEDIATE YOU?
NO.
WHAT IF DAISY SUPER BEEG AND LEETLE NUTTY-LOOKING?
NO.
ME TOLD YOU STOOPID COSTUME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, RAT?
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LETTING ME DOWN, SO I WANTED TO FIND A PLACE WHERE I COULD BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER DISAPPOINT ME, NEVER LIE TO ME, NEVER LET ME DOWN.
EUREKA!
IT'S STRIPS LIKE THIS THAT DIFFERENTIATE US FROM ZIGGY!

HEY THERE, ZEBRA... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
AWWW... YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BUY ME ANYTHING.
DON'T BE SILLY. OPEN IT.
SOAP.
OHH... NOT JUST ANY SOAP... HOTEL SOAP.
IT MIGHT BE BEST IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE GIFTS.
OH... AND SORRY IT'S OPEN... I HAD TO WASH MY HANDS.

Our new wives are gonna come to your door tonight offering to sell you a newspaper subscription.
OH, GOOD! MINE JUST RAN OUT.
If you open the door, they will pounce on you and kill you.
AND THEY WONDER WHY NEWSPAPER CIRCULATION IS DECLINING.