Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Me,
Hi, You're nice. Will
you be my pen-pal?
If yes, please so
indicate with a happy
smiley face.
(like this)
DUDE, IF IT EVER FOUND OUT
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS
SUCH A LOSER THAT HE
AGREED TO BECOME HIS
OWN PEN PAL, I WOULD
KICK HIS SAD LOSER BUTT
FROM HERE TO THE POST
OFFICE.

Dear cell phone company,
Last month I exceeded my monthly minutes while talking to my relatives and got charged extra.
While I admit making these calls to my relatives I must ask for a refund for the following reason.
I did not enjoy their conversation.
HOPEFULLY, THEY KNOW MY RELATIVES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
IT'S MAURA, SIR. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I KNOW IT.
OH, LIL' GUARD DUCK.
I DON'T GET IT, SIR. THEY SAY IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE… WELL, I DID THAT, SIR, AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK… OHHH, SIR… WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN? WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, CHAIN THEM TO A HEAVY KITCHEN APPLIANCE.
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SUGGESTION!
I WANT A GIRLFRIEND, SIR… NOT A HOSTAGE.

THE COWS ARE TAKING HOSTAGES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT HERE, ON THE SIDE OF THE MILK CARTON, THEY PUT A PHOTO OF THIS OLD GUY WHO THEY SAY IS "MISSING." THEN THEY ADD, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?"
I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY DAIRY COWS.

I WENT TO A STARBUCKS ON MONDAY. IT WAS 11:00 A.M. THE CAFE WAS FILLED WITH PEOPLE ALL SITTING AROUND. I BEGAN TO PONDER SOME OF LIFE'S GREATEST MYSTERIES.
LIKE WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS??!!
IT'S THE QUESTION OF OUR AGE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, LIL GUARD DUCK?
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MAURA, MY SOULMATE, THE BENEVOLENT SAVIOR OF MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE, NEVER RETURNED FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M PACKING UP EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY GIFT SHE EVER GAVE ME. I NEVER WANT TO BE REMINDED OF HER AGAIN.
IT'S EMPTY.
SHE NEVER COULD REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.

HEY THERE, MR. CRUMB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M TIRED OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING ON THE STREET. I JUST TOIL AND SWEAT AND EAT FRUIT I FIND OUTSIDE THE MARKET.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A REAL CONUNDRUM. I'D LIKE TO DO SOME SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE... LIKE, I PLAYED GUITAR AND PERCUSSION IN A BAND... MAYBE I SHOULD RETURN TO IT.
WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE THEN I STILL FEEL MY LIFE IS A DUMB IDEA. I'M JUST AS HAPPY TO SIT IN SOME RUNDOWN AREA AND DRINK A LITTLE WINE AND HUM MYSELF A TUNE.
OH, MR. CRUMB. DON'T GET DOWN LIKE THAT.
I TELL YOU, I'M NOT MUCH TO PIG...AND I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS.
ANSWERS TO WHAT?
MR. CRUMB'S CONUNDRUM OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING SOME BUM LIKE A NUMB BUM FROM SOME SCUM OR DRUM UP SOME HUM OR RUN IF DUMB.
YOU'RE A NAUSEA-INDUCING EMBARRASSMENT.
SICK TUM? HAVE SOME GUM.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON, I WILL ONLY MAKE FRIENDS WITH TWINS.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE A FRIEND IS A BIG INVESTMENT OF TIME AND EFFORT AND I'D HATE FOR THAT TO GO TO WASTE.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH TWINS?
IF ONE DIES, THERE'S A SPARE.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. I HEAR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ANDY WANTS TO BE A DISCO DANCER, SIR.
YEAH. AND HE'S A LITTLE WORRIED. HE KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU REACH FOR THE STARS, YOU CATCH A HANDFUL OF CRITICS, ALL TRYING TO STOP YOU.
GEE, SIR. I CAN HELP HIM WITH THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
READING "THE SECRET"... IT'S ABOUT HOW IF YOU VISUALIZE SOMETHING, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN... I THINK IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE CREDIT THAT KIND OF THINKING FOR THEIR SUCCESS, BUT I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY IT... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO VISUALIZE?
PIG'S FAILURE.
IT REALLY WORKS!

I VISITED ANDY TODAY. HE'S THAT LIL' CHAINED-UP DOG. HE THINKS HE'S FINALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO BREAK FROM HIS CHAIN.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
A SKILL... HE'S GONNA GET GOOD AT JUST ONE THING AND HOPE IT'S HIS TICKET OUT.
WHAT'S THE SKILL?

Okay, zeeba neighba... Now you doomed. Dis Crazy Gary. He unpredictable. He qeek. He bite off hand so fast, zeeba not know what happen.
CRUNCH
Zeeba hand, Gary... Zeeba hand.

Dear "My girlfriend Pigita"
YOU STUPID PIG. YOU DON'T BEGIN A LETTER WITH "MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA" ... GIVE HER A PET NAME ... SOMETHING ENDEARING ... MAYBE REFERENCING SOMETHING THAT ONLY THE TWO OF YOU SHARE ...
Dear "Girl-Who-Toots-in-Her-Sleep-Repeatedly"

The large train needed to be pulled over the mountain.
"We cannot do it," said the big engines,
"It's too hard."
"I would like to do it," volunteered the tiniest train in the train yard.
The larger trains laughed at the tiny train.
"You cannot do it," they said,
"I can try my best," said the tiny train.
So the tiny train pulled and pulled with all his might and soon the tiny train started up the mountain. None of the other trains were around.
"I think I can. I think I can," said the tiny train to himself as he slowly moved up the mountain pulling his large load.
"I know I can! I know I can!" shouted the tiny train as he reached the summit.
Then a massive landslide destroyed the train.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, LUCK AND TIMING ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN PERSONAL EFFORT.
I WILL NEVER TRY AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?

UPDATING MY "FACEBOOK" PAGE.

WHAT'S "FACEBOOK"?

THIS GREAT SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE. IT LETS YOU STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE AND FIND OLD FRIENDS. AND IT HELPS THEM FIND YOU.

LET'S HOPE IT FAILS.

Yo, Ebony and Ivory... Mind if we talk to you about your ride?
WHAT ABOUT IT?
It's dooming you, Bro... The wives have noticed it and they think you look weak... So word to the wise... Jack that baby way up in the air and put a set of those super huge monster truck tires on it.
I DRIVE A 'PRIUS'.
Shhhhhh. DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE GAME TONIGHT?
IT'S SOLD OUT.
SO? WE'LL JUST GET TICKETS FROM ONE OF THE SCALPERS OUTSIDE THE PARK.
THOSE GUYS? I HATE THEM.. ALWAYS JACKING UP PRICES.. WHAT KIND OF JERK DOES THAT?
Meow.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK... I WANT TO BE COOL, NOT UNCOOL, WHICH IS WHAT I AM.
WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL.
OH, I KNOW... IT'S JUST STEP ONE ON MY ROAD TO COOLNESS.
WHAT'S STEP TWO?
HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY

Zeeba, neighba! LOOK! Is Stevie Wonder LIVE singing famous zeeba song!
Ebony and Iny, Striped Taggedder, make me so darn hungry
THOSE ARE NOT THE WORDS.
Hmm. Let me see lyric book.
STEVIE WONDER'S BLIND.
Uhh. Let me feel lyric book.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M IMAGINING 'YUMMY BEAR HEAVEN'... IT'S MY HAPPY PLACE... IT'S WHERE I GO WHEN THE WORLD IS TOO MEAN...
DUUUDE, WHY DO YOU SAY THAT STUFF ALOUD? IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SOME KIND OF PANSY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COMPUTER PROBLEMS. I'M TICKED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO POST ON MY BLOG TODAY.
AND YET SOMEHOW THE WORLD GOES ON.
LEAVE.

WELL, HERE WE ARE, THE CREATOR AND STAR OF THIS STUPID STRIP, DEAD AND STUCK SOMEWHERE IN THE - WUH?
SteeEEE-ePhan... It's me, Lisa Klem Wilson, the head of your syndicate... You and Rat cannot die... There's too much money to be made... the books, the calendars, the stuffed animals...
WHOA. THAT'S AMAZING.
YOU MEAN HOW THE HEAD OF OUR SYNDICATE TRANSFORMED HERSELF INTO A GIANT HEAD IN THE SKY?
NO...HOW SHE SLIPPED IN ALL THOSE PLUGS.
THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.
I'm goooood...

WHOA. DUDE. I DIED IN MY OWN STRIP. THIS IS SO MESSED UP.
YOU? WHO CARES ABOUT YOU? I DIED! ME, THE STAR! AND I’M STUCK IN ETERNITY WITH YOU!
WELL, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?!
HOW DO I KNOW? DON’T WE GET SOME SORT OF ANGEL ESCORT OR SOMETHING?
THAT’S ONE HOMELY ANGEL.

OHMYGAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OUR OWN CREATOR DIED. IT'S SO SAD!
SAD? DUDE, IT ROCKS. HE SAID A CHARACTER HAD TO DIE THIS WEEK, AND IT'S NOT US!
WOOHOO!
DID HE SAY IT WAS ONLY ONE?
WELL, NO, BUT I-
YACK
I SUPPOSE IT WOULD LOOK BAD TO JUMP UP AND CHEER.

DO YOU REALLY THINK PASTIS IS GOING TO KILL OFF ONE OF OUR MAIN CHARACTERS?
YEP... AND I'M EXCITED. WE CAN USE A LITTLE THINNING OF THE HERD.
BUT WHO DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE?
SOMEONE USELESS.
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT FUNNY.
...
*GASP*
DIBS ON THE IPOD.