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The Passionsaurus was strong and virile.
He roared.
He romped.
He stomped.
One day, the Passionsaurus stumbled upon a tiny creature, the Routinesaurus.
I will topple you, Passionsaurus.
said the Routinesaurus. The Passionsaurus laughed.
As the days went by, the Passionsaurus came upon more Routines. And these.
Me met Mortgages. And Car repairs. And THE KIDS.
AND TAXES.
And the Routines multiplied.
And they threw rocks.
And one day, through sheer numbers and persistence, the Routines finally toppled the great Passionsaurus, who fell, not with a bang, but a whimper.
YOU CALL THIS A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD??
I SAID THIS IS THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR DAMN ROUTINES!!

Dear Nabeezco®,
We looking for bisness partner to develop new fud product. Product is dis: Shovel leetle bit Zeeba meet in medele of cookie dough.
You problee tinking "Best idea we eber hear, but what we name?"
No worry. Me got it..
Zeeb newtons.
P.S. Peese no reep me off.

PIG'S NEW FRIEND, JACK
WELL, PIG, I GOTTA GET GOING. IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, JACK?
GOTTA GO TO THE DOCTORS. SEE ABOUT GETTING A GROWTH REMOVED.
I AM NOT A ‘GROWTH.’
WHATEVER, DUDE.

I'LL TELL YOU, PIG... IT'S HARD TO BE A JACK... WE GET NO RESPECT.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
YOU GOT THREE PEOPLE DRESSED AS ROYALTY IN THE DECK. TWO OF THEM, YOUR KINGS AND QUEENS, HAVE RULED NATIONS THROUGHOUT HISTORY. SO TELL ME, WHAT THE @#$% IS A 'JACK'?
IT'S A DIS!
BINGO, HOMES. I SHOULDA BEEN A PRINCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER... PHIL HELLMUTH IS GOING ALL IN...
DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING POKER FOR TWO STRAIGHT DAYS... IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, YOU'RE GONNA START HAVING HALLUCINATIONS. WHEN I COME BACK, YOU BETTER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE...
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THIS IS MY 'NO STUPIDDING' SIGN. WHEN I HAVE IT OUT, OTHERS MUST REFRAIN FROM DOING STUPID THINGS OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
SMACK
SOMETIMES I ACT PRE-EMPTIVELY.

WHAT'S THAT, RAT?

IT'S MY "NO STUPIDING" SIGN. I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING STUPID. THIS PROHIBITS IT.

BUT HOW DO YOU ENFORCE IT?

IT'S CHARMINGLY SIMPLE.

hey, rat… check out the diorama i made… i filled it with south american animals, like llamas and stuff.
oh. i cut out people's heads from the newspaper and pasted them over the animal heads. that's that presidential guy, barack obama… and that's that bin laden guy. i think it looks funny.
it looks terrible.
gee, that's what my mom said. she said it looked so dumb she wanted to take it outside and blow it up.
me too.
oh, please don't help my mama bomb a osama obama llama diorama.
please, please retire early.

ALRIGHT...I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU IDIOTS ARE MAILING ME DEATH THREATS SIGNED "ANONEMUSS"!
WHUH? Why you always accuse us of everything?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, ONE OF YOU MORONS WROTE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS ON THE ENVELOPE.
Dis why you no get bigger bonuses, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM NO LONGER PIG. I AM DOBBLE KADDOBLE, SUPER SPACE TRAVELER. I CHANGED MY IDENTITY AFTER FINDING THIS SPACE HELMET IN THE MALL. I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYONE HASN'T BOUGHT ONE.
THAT'S A BICYCLE HELMET...IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO RIDE BICYCLES.
THAT'S GONNA LIMIT MY OPTIONS.

HEY, PAL... WHY DO YOU GOT YOUR CAT IN A CAGE?
HE WAS BAD.
YEAH, I HAD TO GET MAD AT MY CAT THE OTHER DAY... TRICKY LI'L GUY... I WATCHED HIM SCRATCH MY NEIGHBOR'S FENCE.
MINE FENCED MY NEIGHBOR'S WATCH.
NOW THAT'S TRICKY.

DUDE... CHECK IT OUT... I BOUGHT A ROLEX FOR FIFTY BUCKS... IT'S OBVIOUSLY STOLEN.
THAT'S HORRIBLE... WHAT KIND OF INDIVIDUAL GOES AROUND STEALING PEOPLE'S EXPENSIVE WATCHES?
Meow.
Watches - Cheap -

JUNIOR, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER TODAY?
YEAH. I THINK HE'S LYING IN WAIT FOR THE ZEBRA.
GOOD... I HOPE THIS TIME HE AT LEAST PICKS A PLACE THE ZEBRAS HAVE ACCESS TO, UNLIKE LAST TIME WHEN HE HID IN OUR GARAGE.
What dat spose to mean?

Dear Cable Company,
Life is full of surprises.
This month we won't be paying our bill.
Surprise!
We'll see how they respond.

Dear Walldayllife Fund.
We hear you does gud stuff saying aermals like zeebas. Gud for you.
But me and Bob have better plan.
KEEL DEM
We not care how. Sticks. Stones. Brake dere bones. Just keel dem all and ship to us.
Mebbe you ask why.
Here be why. Beecuz zeebas is like unneccesary horses. You can’t ride dem and dey dessoy jobs.
You know, Larry... Some people say you no can keel zeebas like dat because you disrupt vital link in food chain.
Hmm. Gud point, Bob. How ’bout you breeng me stamp while me correct letter?
You got it.
P.S. peese keel Bob too.

HOW IS IT SOME ARTSY MOVIES WIN THE RESPECT OF THE BIG CRITICS, WHILE REGULAR, EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND MOVIES DON'T?
OH, YOU HAVE TO BE
FOCUS!
OUR CAMERAMAN LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

Whuh you doing, son?
ALGEBRA. IT’S HARD.
Me help. Geey me probbum.
3X + 4 = 13. WHAT IS THE VALUE OF X?
‘X’ have no value. Probbum have no value.
Algebra waste of time. Quit school. Geet job at car wash.
I DON’T THINK MY ALGEBRA TEACHER WILL ACCEPT THAT.
What she know? She teach algebra.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A GOTH PIG. THEY SEEM TO BE OUTSIDERS LIKE ME, SO I THOUGHT I'D FIT RIGHT IN.
HMM...SO WHAT DO YOU GOT ON YOUR IPOD?
HANNAH MONTANA.
I'M NOT YET FULLY COMMITTED TO THE CAUSE.

Okay, wawmun... Larry invent puzzle book... It next beeg ting... Have look...
WHERE'S ZEEBO?!?
It so hard, it not even funny.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...
DUDE, DO YOU MIND? I'D LIKE TO ENJOY THIS AQUARIUM IN PEACE.
SORRY... HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S A MORAY.
PLEASE RETIRE EARLY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A STUPID HOUSEFLY ON MY KEYBOARD. I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
WAIT.
WHY?
HE'S WRITING A BLOG.
THIS TREND IS OUT OF CONTROL.

HOP
PoOf
WHO ARE YOU?
HAPPINESS! COME AND GET ME!
BoINK
SPROING
WHAP
SMACK
HOP
IUP
SPLoMFF
KLINk
Heeeeeey... loooook what I've found!
AAARRGHH
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
WHO KNOWS. HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S THAT MUSIC?
CHOPIN’S “FUNERAL MARCH”...IT'S COMING FROM OVER THERE.
THAT GUY NEEDS SOME MARKETING HELP.

I'M TURNING OFF THE INTERNET.
WHY?
BECAUSE INSTANT COMMUNICATION IS A DOMINEERING MISTRESS. SHE IS CRUEL, IMPATIENT AND ADDICTIVE.
BUT HOW WILL YOU COMMUNICATE WITHOUT E-MAIL?
MEET TIMMY THE TELEGRAM-TOTING MONKEY.
WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DON'T CARE IF IT GETS THERE OVERNIGHT.

THE CROCODILE IN THE SERENGETI KNOWS THE ZEBRA'S ROUTINE... HIS PATTERNS... HIS DAILY MIGRATION.
SO HE PICKS A CAREFULLY CONCEALED SPOT ALONG THAT ROUTE AND LIES IN WAIT... POISED FOR THE DEADLY SURPRISE ATTACK.