Pearls Before Swine | Search

DING DONG
CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR... WE'RE FROM THE F.B.I... YOU'RE UNDER ARREST...
FOR WHAT?
HARBORING TERRORISTS... IT APPEARS A MEMBER OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD HAS BEEN STOCKPILING W.M.D...
WHAT?! I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANOTHER MEMBER OF MY HOUSEHOLD... IT'S JUST ME AND MY LITTLE CAT SNUFFLES.
MEOOOW
I ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE HE WENT AT NIGHT.

EVERY TIME I'M WITH MY MOM, SHE MAKES ME FEEL FAT.
HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?
SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE FAT."
YOU ASK SILLY QUESTIONS.

MORNING, SIR...WE HAD SOME FIRE IN THE GREEN ZONE THIS MORNING, SIR.
THE GREEN ZONE? WHAT'S THE GREEN ZONE?
THE FRONT LAWN, SIR. BUT NO WORRIES, SIR. I SQUEEZED OFF A COUPLE R.P.G.'S AND NEUTRALIZED THE THREAT, SIR.
WHO DID YOU NEUTRALIZE?
Me have had better days.

Hey, Frank...How you like be my new gun instructor? You juss need stand in field, hold dis over head.
Me thought Bob you instructor.
Oh. Bob out on leave.
Leave? How long he on leave?
Pretty long.

What is you doing, Larry?
Wife leave me. She not come back 'til me keel zeeba. So me is gonna keel zeeba.
What is Bob do?
Bob my gun instructor. Teach me how shoot straight.
Dat not gud job, Bob.

I'M LEAVING YOU, LARRY... I'M TIRED OF SHARING A BED WITH A FAILURE.
Oh, yeah? Well, me leaving you.
LEAVING ME? WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME?
You cheat on me.
I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU IN MY LIFE.
OH? Who dis failure you share bed with?
NEVER MIND, LARRY!
GEEV ME NAME, WOOMUN! GEEV ME NAME!!

LARRY, THAT WAS MY SISTER PENNY
ON THE PHONE... HER HUSBAND PETE
KILLED THREE WATER BUFFALO AND
A GAZELLE LAST WEEK...
Beeg
woop.
BIG WHOOP?? TELL
ME, LARRY. WHAT
DID YOU KILL
LAST WEEK?
Timmy,
Da Terror
of da
Trees!
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME
THAT'S THE NAME YOU'VE
GIVEN THE LITTLE SQUIRREL
YOU ACCIDENTALLY BACKED
OVER WITH YOUR CAR.
Hey.
Dat
was
planned.

Danny Donkey was sad.
Sad because everyone around him was good-looking. And he was not.
So Danny Donkey went to a genie and asked to be good-looking.
"You asked to be good-looking"
"That is too much work on my part," said the genie, "But I can give you this."
And with that, the genie handed over what appeared to be some magical rod, and told Danny what it was and how to use it.
And so, later that day, Danny went out and hit every good-looking person he could find with his very own Ugly Stick.
Because, kids, if you can't make yourself better, make those around you worse.
"THIS NOT GOING IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK."
HEY. MAYBE I GOT HIT BY THAT THING.

HEY THERE, ART...
WHAT'S WRONG?
I PUBLISHED A STORY LAST MONTH THAT 'LIFE' MAGAZINE IS SAYING I RIPPED OFF FROM THEM. BUT I DISAGREE. I THINK THEY GOT THE IDEA FROM ME.
WOW... THAT RAISES A TOUGH QUESTION.
WHAT'S THE TOUGH QUESTION?
DOES ART IMITATE 'LIFE,' OR DOES 'LIFE' IMITATE ART?
I LOATHE THIS COMIC STRIP.

HEY CONCIERGE, I NEED HELP AND I'M IN A HURRY, SO LISTEN UP. I'M THINKING OF SURPRISING MY WIFE WITH ONE OF THOSE SWEATERS FROM THE HOTEL GIFT SHOP... ANY IDEA WHAT SIZE SHE MIGHT BE ?
IS 'FAT' A SIZE?
I GUESS NOT.

RAT, THE HELPFUL CONCIERGE
I'M SORRY, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME GET A, YOU KNOW, 'DATE' FOR THE EVENING? MY WIFE IS HOMELY AND BLAND AND SHE EMASCULATES ME.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU WITH THAT BAG ON YOUR HEAD... YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO REMOVE IT.
TED? TED FORTH? FROM THE COMIC STRIP 'SALLY FORTH'??
O.K., SEE, THAT'S WHY I HAD THE BAG ON.
SALLY'S GONNA BE MAAAAAAAD.

HEY, CONCIERGE... I NEED TO GET MY BED MADE UP.
FINE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HOUSE-KEEPING?
WHY DON'T I TELL **YOU** AND **YOU** TELL HOUSE-KEEPING?
WHY DON'T I TELL **YOU** YOUR NOSE COULD PROVIDE SHADE FOR A FAMILY OF CORPULENT GYPSIES?
WHY DON'T I TALK TO YOUR MANAGER?
BECAUSE HE MIGHT FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR FREERIDING GYPSIES.

Bad news, employees. We run out of money. Dis mean layoffs.
Dat best part of job.

AT 'EEF TZEEB' HEADQUARTERS
Hey, we crocs is need health care plan in case we is get sick.
Okay. Here our plan.
If you is get sick, mebbe you dies.
Dat sound reasonable.

Meester C.E.O., Me just want say you sooo smart.
Ohh, have box o’monies.
Meester C.E.O., Me just want say you stneeking genius.
Ohh, have box o’monies.
Meester C.E.O., No you see? Deese is booty kissers. Dey just say for monies.
And dat tie sooo bootiful.
And have two box o’monies.

GOT ANY PLANS FOR TOMORROW, RAT?
WHAT'S TOMORROW?
EASTER!
EASTER? WHO GETS EXCITED OVER EASTER?

AT "EETAZEES" HEADQUARTERS
Guuwd morning, valued workers. Today we have meeting. Discuss you salaries.
Gud morning, Meester CEO... Me would like talk first.
Why you want talk first?
To kees butt of you.
He go far.

Okay, zeeba... We cross form 'Eeetazeeb.'
Is all-powerful corporation wid know-
hows and monies dedicated to immed-
iate destrukshtun of all zeebas.
WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOM- PLUSHED SO FAR ??
Nine bajillion meetings.
Hey, Bob, time for meeting.
Memo to self: Make co-werkers shut mouf.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY REFLECTION. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IN THIS SPOON, IT'S UPSIDE DOWN.

I THOUGHT I COULD CURE IT BY STANDING ON MY HEAD, BUT NO, IT'S STILL BROKEN.

THEY SHOULD HOLD A TELETHON FOR THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
IT'S MY NEW EASTER BONNET. ISN'T IT LOVELY?
I AM NOT A MACHO PIG.

GREETINGS, FAIR GOAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I AM RATIMUS STUDIWIUS MAXIMUS, AND THIS IS MY GLORIOUS CHARIOT.
YOU NEED A HORSE TO PULL A CHARIOT.
I THOUGHT THIS SEEMED HARD.
SILENCE, PIGIMIUS FATIMUS.

Okay zeeba neighba... We crocs geet new weapon in war against zeebas.
Now we teach you lesson you no soon forget.
Doooo dooo dodododadaa dooo Tooot!
Dododaaa doo DOO doo doooo TOOT.
Doo dooo DO doo doo dooo Doo
Dododaaa doo dooo dooo dooo doo dooo doo dooo... Dododododaaa doo dooo dooo doo doooo TOOOOT!
ACK CHOKE CHOKE
THUD
Today's lesson: Always chew you food.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NEIGHBORS YOU LIKE?
YEAH, THE ONES TO THE EAST OF US ARE GREAT... I LOVE THEM.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?... I'VE NEVER MET THEM.
IF YOU'VE NEVER MET THEM, HOW COULD YOU LOVE THEM?
I LOVE THEM BECAUSE I'VE NEVER MET THEM.
NEVER MIND.
THE NICEST NEIGHBOR IS THE ONE YOU'VE NEVER MET.

HEY, CONCIERGE... HERE'S A BUCK... TELL ME HOW TO GET DOWNTOWN.
YEAH. JUST FLY YOUR HELICOPTER TWO MILES WEST.
HELICOPTER? I DON'T OWN A HELICOPTER.
OH, I FIGURED THAT WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU SAVE BY TIPPING GUYS, YOU MIGHT HAVE BOUGHT A HELICOPTER.
YOU SURE DIDN'T SPEND IT ON THAT TIE.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD REMEMBER TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE "WONDER BREAD" NOW AND THEN?
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, PIG. THOSE WHO HAVE THE GIFT OF THINKING UP GENIUS THEORIES AND THOSE WHO HAVE TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE WONDER BREAD.
WHAT GENIUS THEORIES HAVE YOU THOUGHT UP?
THE 'TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE' THEORY.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.
LESS THINKY, MORE TWISTY.