Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU?
COULDN'T SLEEP... MORE NIGHTMARES... THE RICE KRISPIES GUYS... THEY WANTED ME TO DO SOMETHING... I LET THEM DOWN.
DUDE... GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF... THESE ARE FICTIONAL CEREAL BOX CHARACTERS... WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY WANT YOU TO DO?
KILL CAPTAIN CRUNCH.

OH, NO... PIG ATE CEREAL BEFORE BED.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT ALWAYS GIVES HIM NIGHTMARES.
WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES?
WE WILL NOT BE IGNORED.

HULLOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEESTEN, CROCS KNOW YOU IS BEG "PEENUT" FAN. SO USEES MAKE YOU "TALKING CHARLEE BROWN" LAMP FOR EENSIDE YOU HOUSE.
HULLO, SNOOPEE DOG.
WELL, THANKS, BUT YOU KNOW, THAT LIGHT BULB IN THE SOCKET LOOKS A LITTLE ODD.
ME KICK FOOTBALL!
MAYBE I SHOULD PLUG IT IN AND TEST IT BEFORE I PUT IT IN MY HOUSE.
HOLY GUAC, ME GONNA DIE !!!!
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T HEAR CHARLIE BROWN SAY A LOT.
UH... GOOD GRIEF. I MEAN TO SAY.

BEHOLD! I AM RATISTOTLE, PHILOSOPHER KING, HERE TO SHARE MY DEEP, DEEP, PHILOSOPHICAL THOUGHTS OF DEEPNESS.
OH, GREAT. LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THIS... WE LIVE OUR LIVES NOT KNOWING WHEN WE WILL DIE AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT, AND WORSE, THIS UNKNOWN STAGE APPARENTLY GOES ON FOREVER.
SO?
SO I FIND THIS ANNOYING.
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

Okay zeeba neighba, leesten... Crocs rent airplane. One meenute ago, me order para-troop drop on zeeba house.
WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THE PARA-CHUTE GEAR?
Abort.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M MAKING THE FIG OUR NEW UNIT OF CURRENCY. I HAVE A LARGE FIG TREE AND NO CASH. THIS SOLVES ALL MY PROBLEMS.
A FIG FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Me lying een wait for zeeba neighba... Me gonna jump on hed. Me gonna keel.
YOU'RE IN OUR LIVING ROOM, LARRY. THE ZEBRA DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS TO OUR LIVING ROOM!
Need me change any lightbulbs?

LOOKS LIKE I GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM A DEPOSED NIGERIAN KING ASKING ME FOR MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER.
WHAT KIND OF FRAUD GOES AROUND POSING AS NIGERIAN ROYALTY JUST TO SCAM PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR MONEY?
Meow.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON, WHEN PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO ME, I'M JUST GOING TO PRETEND I'M THE HAPPINESS FAIRY SPRINKLING FRIENDLY DUST ALL OVER THE WORLD TO MAKE IT A KINDER PLACE.
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.

*Yawn*
OH, BOY... WHAT A MORNING.
ARE YOU UP YET, QWE?
Please don't hate me for not waking you. I knew it was my one chance to be free and I couldn't bear to see you cry.
My only consolation is in knowing that you can be so happy even while attached to a chain... I love you.
Dear Andy, My chain broke during the night. I didn't know how it happened. It just snapped.

ANDY! I THINK I DISCOVERED SOMETHING. YOU HAVE BIG LIPS! IF YOU PUFF THEM OUT FAR ENOUGH, WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO KISS!
KISS? OH BOY! LET'S TRY!
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
WHOA. IT'S MICK JAGGER ON A DOG CHAIN.

LOOK, GUARD DUCK! I WAS PANESWALK- ING AND DECIDED TO STAND ON TOP OF THE PANEL!
YOU MUSTN’T DO THAT! IF YOU FALL, YOU DIE!
OH, BUT IT’S REAL LEVEL UP HERE, AND BESIDES, ALL THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS ARE DOING IT NOW!
THAT’S MADNESS! NOT ALL COMIC STRIP PANELS ARE SHAPED LIKE YOURS! IF ONE OF THEIR CHARACTERS TRIED IT, THEY COULD SLIP AND–
“Hasta la vista, Jeffy.”

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, GUARD DUCK... YOU'VE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PANEWALK... I'M DEFYING COMIC STRIP GRAVITY THROUGH MIND CONTROL..
YES, AND IF YOU CAN DO THAT WITH YOUR OWN BODY, YOU CAN SOON LEARN TO DO THE SAME WITH OTHER OBJECTS. BUT BE CAREFUL... IT IS AN EXTRAORDINARY POWER THAT ONE SHOULD USE FOR ONLY THE MOST CRITICAL OF TASKS.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE RAIDING THE REFRIGERATOR.

HEY, LITTLE
GUARD DUCK...
WHATCHA
DOING?
I HAVE BECOME
A MEMBER OF
THE ORDER OF
PANEWALKERS.
I WANT TO BE
ABLE TO
DO THAT.
I CAN TEACH YOU.
BUT IT'S QUITE HARD.
YOU MUST FIRST BE
ABLE TO CLEAR YOUR
MIND OF ALL IDEAS,
ALL THOUGHTS, ALL
CEREBRAL ACTIVITY.
WHAT'S
THE HARD
PART?

WHO'S AT THE DOOR, FRED?
THAT STUPID ARMY DUCK FROM NEXT DOOR...THE ONE THAT'S ALWAYS ON ME ABOUT NOT CUTTING OUR LAWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA OPEN THE DOOR AND DROP KICK THAT LITTLE WATERFOWL CLEAR ACROSS THE STREET.
NEVER MESS WITH A PANELWALKING DUCK, FRED.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
LIVING IN THE FUNNIES! IT’S THE MAGAZINE FOR TODAY’S COMIC STRIP CHARACTER… HAS AN INTERESTING ARTICLE ON ‘PANEL-WALKING.’
WHAT THE HECK IS PANEL-WALKING?
IT SAYS THAT THROUGH SHEER, ZEN-LIKE FOCUS, A DISCIPLINED COMIC STRIP CHARACTER CAN TEACH HIMSELF TO WALK ALONG ANY FOUR SIDES OF A COMIC STRIP PANEL!
LET’S SEE MARY WORTH DO THIS.

I'M THINKING OF GETTING ONE OF THOSE 'TIVO' THINGS.
SO GET ONE.
I'M WORRIED I WON'T KNOW HOW TO SET IT UP.
DUDE, IT'S EASY... LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.
TOUCH IT AND YOU DIE, FAT MAN.
I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT EXPRESSION.
WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU STARING AT?

I HEARD YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR CONCIERGE JOB.
YEAH. I DID NOTHING TO STOP THE CROCS FROM EATING A CONFERENCE OF BLIND MICE. PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT IT WAS ENTERTAINING.
DID THEY GET SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU?
THEY SAID THEY DID, BUT I DOUBT IT... A GOOD CONCIERGE CAN GET THINGS DONE -- SORTED THINGS -- OFTEN IN THE DARK OF NIGHT. WHO BUT ME CAN DO THAT?
MEOW.

OKAY, GUYS, DUE TO THE CROCS LOOSE IN THE HOTEL, WE'RE GONNA BE HOLED UP IN THIS HOTEL ROOM FOR AWHILE, WHICH MEANS WE NEED SUPPLIES... SO I'VE SENT MELVIN DOWN THE HALL TO GET SOME ICE.
AAAAAAAAH
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
SO MUCH FOR MY ICY COLD BEVERAGE.

AT THE MOLE CONVENTION...
GENTLEMEN, WE’RE MEETING IN MY HOTEL ROOM BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME CROCS IN THE HOTEL TRYING TO EAT US. HOW THEY GOT WORD WE WERE STAYING AT THIS HOTEL, I DON’T KNOW...
PERHAPS WE HAVE A MOLE.
I'VE WAITED TEN YEARS TO USE THAT JOKE.

Hullo... Welcome to Eetzazeeb Corporate Retreet... Today we have semeenar.
First semeenar titled 'Dere ees moles een Conference Room B. Dey ees blind, and we should eet dem.'
WE SHOULD ADJOURN.

HI. WE'RE THE MOLES. WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE CONFERENCE ROOM THAT HAS OUR SEMINAR: "LIVING ABOVEGROUND: A SUNNY ALTERNATIVE OR TOO BLIND TO SURVIVE?"
Tank you, Bejeezeus.

HEADS UP TODAY, RAT. WE'VE GOT SOME CORPORATION HERE FOR THEIR RETREAT, AND F.Y.I., I HEAR THEY'RE A LITTLE STRANGE...
STRANGE HOW?
Wheech way sweeming pool?

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Dis is Larry. He is sad orphan baby. Maybe you geev heem home as part of our Adotp-A-Croc program.
THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A BABY. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET A CROC INTO MY HOUSE.
Oh, zeeba... No say tings like dat. You hoit Larry feeling.
Shhhhh, Larry... He no mean it. He know you a baby. Here, show heem, Larry, how beeg baby boiplfroceem.
GLUG GLUG GLUG
UUUUUURPP
Dat not right bottle, Larry.
But dis one take me to happy place, Bob.

OKAY, SNUFFLES. I'M LETTING YOU OUT OF YOUR CAGE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'VE TOLD ME ALL THE BAD CAT THINGS YOU'VE BEEN DOING AT NIGHT AND PROMISED NEVER TO DO THEM AGAIN.
SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE HIDING, LIKE ANY MORE W.M.D.'S OR VIDEOS YOU MADE IN CAVES, I NEED TO KNOW NOW.
Meow.
Curse you, backstabbing kitty.