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GOOD MORNING, SIR… I HAVE YOUR MORNING BRIEFING, SIR… THAT’S WHERE I UPDATE YOU ON THE COMMINGS AND GOINGS IN THE FRONT YARD, SIR.
OH, OKAY. LET’S HEAR IT.
ITEM ONE: THE FRONT PORCH LIGHT IS BROKEN, SIR… ITEM TWO: THE FRONT HEDGE NEEDS TRIMMING, SIR… OH, AND ITEM THREE… UHHH… I’VE DECLARED WAR ON VENEZUELA.
LEMME GUESS. YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE PORCH LIGHT BROKE.

THE ZEBRA/CROC MEDIATION
Okay, before we start, Mr. Zebra, it seems you’ve brought something to the mediation.
Yes. It’s a book called “The Glory Of Reptiles.” It’s for the crocs.
What a nice way to start things off… Mr. Crocodile, did you happen to bring anything?
Rope to choke zeeba.
This might be a good time for a coffee break.

MY HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION WANTS ME TO GO TO MEDIATION WITH THE CROCS... THEY'RE TIRED OF ALL THE TENSION IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WILL THAT SOLVE ANYTHING?
SURE. IF YOU GET TWO MOTIVATED PARTIES IN A MEDIATION ROOM TOGETHER, WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN?
Me gonna eat him.
High five.

I, RAT, HAVE CONCLUDED THAT MOST OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS ARE CAUSED BY STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID THINGS. THIS IS MY CREED. BUT THERE IS AN ANSWER.
I WILL CLASSIFY EVERY PERSON AS A 'SMARTO' OR A 'STUPIDO' BASED ON MY 'ANALYSISO'.
THE 'STUPIDOS' WILL BE THROWN OFF A CLIFF...
...BOUNCE OFF A TRAMPOLINE
...AND LAND ON 'LA STUPIDA'.
THERE, THEY CAN PERFORM ACTS OF STUPIDITY UPON THE OTHER STUPIDOS. NEVER TO BOTHER THE SMARTOS AGAIN.
HELLO, PIG.
HI RAT. GIFTS AND SHELTER ? I'M STAYING.
EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN PUT ON THIS ISLAND. WE RULE THE WORLD ! WHEEEE !!
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE THERE REALLY AREN'T ANY STUPID PEOPLE, JUST SMART PEOPLE MAKING BAD DECISIONS. I THINK WE'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

DUDE, GET OUT OF MY STINKIN' BED.
BUT I'M SCARED... YOU SAID EVERYTHING BAD THAT EVER HAPPENS TO SOMEONE
HAPPENS AFTER THEY GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
DUDE, I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID... GET OUT OF MY STINKIN' BED BEFORE--
HEY, RAT... THE DOOR WAS OPEN SO I-- OHHHHHhhuhhh MY...
NO NO NO NO NO... NO 'OH MY'S'... THIS IS NOT AN 'OH MY' DO NOT SAY 'OH MY'...
OH MY.

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED, RAT??... IT'S ALREADY NOON.
I'VE DECIDED TO STAY IN MY BED FOREVER AND SLEEP MY LIFE AWAY.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE EVERYTHING TRAUMATIC THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME HAS HAPPENED AFTER I GOT OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
DON'T MIND ME.

RAINY DAYS DEPRESS ME.
GET IN LINE, DUDE...THEY DEPRESS EVERYONE.
EVERYONE?
EVERYONE.

Hulllooo, zeeba neighba...
Leester...How you like
beeg box of 'Crockios'
cereal? Each box come
wid special prize!
WHY IS
YOUR
FRIEND
STANDING
IN IT?
He da special prize.
No worry. Me wash feet.

I'M BORED WITH MY LIFE.
CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE.
DO SOMETHING NEW.
LOOK AT LIFE IN A
FRESH WAY.
DUDE,
THAT'S
LAME.
IT'S NOT LAME. I
KNOW SOMEONE WHO
DOES IT ALL THE TIME
AND HE'S QUITE HAPPY.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
LARRY?
Crocs find zeeba water valve. Turn off. Dis mean zeeba have to dreenk from croc swamp, where we is keel heem and ---
WHUH?
NOOOOO
BOOOOO HIIISSSSS
BOOOOO
WHY DO YOUR NEIGHBORS BOO THE "SPRINKLETT'S WATER MAN"?
LONG STORY.

The Passionsaurus was strong and virile.
He roared.
He romped.
He stomped.
One day, the Passionsaurus stumbled upon a tiny creature, the Routinesaurus.
I will topple you, Passionsaurus.
said the Routinesaurus. The Passionsaurus laughed.
As the days went by, the Passionsaurus came upon more Routines. And these.
Me met Mortgages. And Car repairs. And THE KIDS.
AND TAXES.
And the Routines multiplied.
And they threw rocks.
And one day, through sheer numbers and persistence, the Routines finally toppled the great Passionsaurus, who fell, not with a bang, but a whimper.
YOU CALL THIS A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD??
I SAID THIS IS THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR DAMN ROUTINES!!

Dear Nabeezco®,
We looking for bisness partner to develop new fud product. Product is dis: Shovel leetle bit Zeeba meet in medele of cookie dough.
You problee tinking "Best idea we eber hear, but what we name?"
No worry. Me got it..
Zeeb newtons.
P.S. Peese no reep me off.

PIG'S NEW FRIEND, JACK
WELL, PIG, I GOTTA GET GOING. IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, JACK?
GOTTA GO TO THE DOCTORS. SEE ABOUT GETTING A GROWTH REMOVED.
I AM NOT A ‘GROWTH.’
WHATEVER, DUDE.

I'LL TELL YOU, PIG... IT'S HARD TO BE A JACK... WE GET NO RESPECT.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
YOU GOT THREE PEOPLE DRESSED AS ROYALTY IN THE DECK. TWO OF THEM, YOUR KINGS AND QUEENS, HAVE RULED NATIONS THROUGHOUT HISTORY. SO TELL ME, WHAT THE @#$% IS A 'JACK'?
IT'S A DIS!
BINGO, HOMES. I SHOULDA BEEN A PRINCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER... PHIL HELLMUTH IS GOING ALL IN...
DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING POKER FOR TWO STRAIGHT DAYS... IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, YOU'RE GONNA START HAVING HALLUCINATIONS. WHEN I COME BACK, YOU BETTER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE...
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THIS IS MY 'NO STUPIDDING' SIGN. WHEN I HAVE IT OUT, OTHERS MUST REFRAIN FROM DOING STUPID THINGS OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
SMACK
SOMETIMES I ACT PRE-EMPTIVELY.

WHAT'S THAT, RAT?

IT'S MY "NO STUPIDING" SIGN. I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING STUPID. THIS PROHIBITS IT.

BUT HOW DO YOU ENFORCE IT?

IT'S CHARMINGLY SIMPLE.

hey, rat… check out the diorama i made… i filled it with south american animals, like llamas and stuff.
oh. i cut out people's heads from the newspaper and pasted them over the animal heads. that's that presidential guy, barack obama… and that's that bin laden guy. i think it looks funny.
it looks terrible.
gee, that's what my mom said. she said it looked so dumb she wanted to take it outside and blow it up.
me too.
oh, please don't help my mama bomb a osama obama llama diorama.
please, please retire early.

ALRIGHT...I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU IDIOTS ARE MAILING ME DEATH THREATS SIGNED "ANONEMUSS"!
WHUH? Why you always accuse us of everything?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, ONE OF YOU MORONS WROTE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS ON THE ENVELOPE.
Dis why you no get bigger bonuses, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM NO LONGER PIG. I AM DOBBLE KADDOBLE, SUPER SPACE TRAVELER. I CHANGED MY IDENTITY AFTER FINDING THIS SPACE HELMET IN THE MALL. I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYONE HASN'T BOUGHT ONE.
THAT'S A BICYCLE HELMET...IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO RIDE BICYCLES.
THAT'S GONNA LIMIT MY OPTIONS.

HEY, PAL... WHY DO YOU GOT YOUR CAT IN A CAGE?
HE WAS BAD.
YEAH, I HAD TO GET MAD AT MY CAT THE OTHER DAY... TRICKY LI'L GUY... I WATCHED HIM SCRATCH MY NEIGHBOR'S FENCE.
MINE FENCED MY NEIGHBOR'S WATCH.
NOW THAT'S TRICKY.

DUDE... CHECK IT OUT... I BOUGHT A ROLEX FOR FIFTY BUCKS... IT'S OBVIOUSLY STOLEN.
THAT'S HORRIBLE... WHAT KIND OF INDIVIDUAL GOES AROUND STEALING PEOPLE'S EXPENSIVE WATCHES?
Meow.
Watches - Cheap -

JUNIOR, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER TODAY?
YEAH. I THINK HE'S LYING IN WAIT FOR THE ZEBRA.
GOOD... I HOPE THIS TIME HE AT LEAST PICKS A PLACE THE ZEBRAS HAVE ACCESS TO, UNLIKE LAST TIME WHEN HE HID IN OUR GARAGE.
What dat spose to mean?

Dear Cable Company,
Life is full of surprises.
This month we won't be paying our bill.
Surprise!
We'll see how they respond.

Dear Walldayllife Fund.
We hear you does gud stuff saying aermals like zeebas. Gud for you.
But me and Bob have better plan.
KEEL DEM
We not care how. Sticks. Stones. Brake dere bones. Just keel dem all and ship to us.
Mebbe you ask why.
Here be why. Beecuz zeebas is like unneccesary horses. You can’t ride dem and dey dessoy jobs.
You know, Larry... Some people say you no can keel zeebas like dat because you disrupt vital link in food chain.
Hmm. Gud point, Bob. How ’bout you breeng me stamp while me correct letter?
You got it.
P.S. peese keel Bob too.