Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY THERE, PIG, WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH ME AND MY BUDDIES?
SURE, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TODAY?
WENT FISHING. I HOOKED A HUGE ONE. IT ALMOST PULLED THE ROD OUTTA MY HANDS. HAD TO FIGHT HIM FOR A HALF HOUR.
HE JUST KEPT SPRINGING OUT OF THE WATER AND TAKING LINE. I FINALLY GOT HIM CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE BOAT TO NET HIM.
TOOK TWO OF US JUST TO LIFT HIM UP FOR THE PHOTO. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING OUTDOOR EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
HOW'D THE FISH FEEL?
THEY TOOK BACK MY BEER.

WELL, TIME TO CHECK THE OL' TWITTER FEED.
I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE. BROUGHT ME DOWN TOO MUCH.
NOT ME. I ADDED A FILTER THAT TAKES OUT ALL TWEETS THAT ARE NEGATIVE OR INSULTING.
REALLY? HOW IS IT?
THERE ARE NO TWEETS LEFT.
BUT THE BLANK SCREEN IS REFRESHING.

DO YOU EVER THINK YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE AND IT SKEWS YOUR PERSPECTIVE?
NOT AT ALL.
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN AFFECTED BY THE ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES EMITTED BY BILL GATES' ARMY OF BANKERS HIDING IN THE CENTER OF OUR HOLLOW EARTH.
POOR SUCKER.

THIS BOOK I'M READING SAYS YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO ONE NICE THING A DAY.
I DO. LATELY, I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE CAFE AND BUYING THE DRINK OF WHOEVER'S BEHIND ME IN LINE.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT ABOUT YOU, RAT?
I TRY TO STAND BEHIND HIM IN LINE.
I SAID NICE.
YOU DIDN'T SAY FOR WHO.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO BOTHER VOTING?
OF COURSE IT IS, PIG. IT'S THE FOUNDATION OF OUR DEMOCRACY AND YOUR OBLIGATION AS A CITIZEN.
I DIDN'T THINK PICKING SEXIEST MALE ATHLETE ON ESPN.COM WAS THAT IMPORTANT.
LET'S START OVER.
TOM BRADY, I GIVE THEE MY VOTE.

STUPID FOOTBALL GAME. THIS TEAM'S ONLY CHANCE IS TO THROW A HAIL MARY.
WHAT'S THAT?
WHEN YOU'RE ALL OUT OF OPTIONS, YOU JUST HURL THE FOOTBALL INTO THE AIR AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
ONLY WORKS IN FOOTBALL.
WE'LL SEE HOW THIS TURNS OUT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.

I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE.

YEAH, BUT I'VE UPDATED IT TO BETTER APPLY TO OUR TIMES.
EVEN RUDE PEOPLE NEED INSPIRATION.

HI, STEPH.
HEY, RAT.
PIG SAYS YOU REALLY LOVE THE LATEST ARCADE FIRE ALBUM.
YEAH. IT'S GREAT.
DO YOU OWN IT?
YEAH. I BOUGHT IT IN THE iTUNES STORE.
SO YOU PURCHASED THEIR MUSIC?
YEAH. I JUST SAID THAT. WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING?
NO REASON.
BEHOLD, SPOTIFY GENERATION, THE LAST MAN STILL BUYING MUSIC!
OOOH.
WOW.
CAN I GET A PIC?
DON'T SOME OF THEM BUY VINYL RECORDS?
OH, YEAH. BUT THAT'S COOL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
PICKING UP A CHECK FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS.
THERE'S A DEPARTMENT FOR THAT?
YEAH. WHY WOULDN'T THERE BE?
I THINK IF A MARRIED SOLDIER CHEATS, IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIR OWN.
YOU MAY BE CONFUSED.
AND THEY PAY YOU TO DO IT?

ABNORMAL
IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU SEE IT.
EXTRAORDINARY
FRIENDS ARE GOOD.

WISE ASS
ON DUTY
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, TEACH ME ABOUT LIFE.
LIFE IS LIKE STAYING IN A HOTEL ROOM, ONLY YOU DON'T KNOW THE CHECK-OUT TIME.
LIFE IS ONE SCARY VACATION.

WHEN I WAS A KID, THE NAMES OF STADIUMS MEANT SOMETHING TO ME, LIKE CANDLESTICK PARK. NOW EVERYTHING'S NAMED FOR CORPORATIONS. LEVI'S STADIUM, CHASE CENTER, ORACLE PARK.
WHAT'S NEXT? NATIONAL LANDMARKS? PLACES IN NATURE?
ALREADY HAPPENING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
AMAZON RAINFOREST.
MAYBE I SHOULD DO ALL THE TALKING.
AND AMAZONIAN WOMEN. THOSE POOR WOMEN.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
OH, JUST HAVING A LITTLE WINE AND CHEESE SOCIAL WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES.
JUST REMEMBER... IF EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD GOES SOUTH, WE WILL ALL TURN INTO ANIMALS FIGHTING FOR SURVIVAL.
I LIKE TO INTRODUCE REALITY INTO ALL HOITY-TOITY AFFAIRS.

Dear Powers-That-Be-in-the-Universe,
Yesterday someone told me they watch TV as an escape.
Someone else said they eat as an escape. And someone else said they drink as an escape.
This raises my question...
Is this life or a prison break?
PRISON HAS FREE FOOD.

HARK!
A NEED.
HEY, PIG.
WHAT'S WITH THE CHEERLEADER OUTFIT?
HIYA, NEIGHBOR NORA.
I'M THE REASSURER!
THE
REASSURER?
YES. HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I KNOW YOU'VE HAD SOME
SETBACKS LATELY.
BUT THAT THIS TOO SHALL
PASS.
BECAUSE WHILE LIFE CAN BE MEAN AND BAD AND SCARY,
IT CAN ALSO BE JOYOUS AND GREAT AND THRILLING.
THANK YOU,
PIG.
SURE.
OH. ONE MORE THING.
GOOOOOOOO, NORA!!
I'M IN GREAT DEMAND.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PRINCIPLES YOU LIVE BY?
YEAH, THE GUY IN CHARGE OF OUR HIGH SCHOOL LIVES ACROSS THE STREET.
YOU MAKE CONVERSATION DIFFICULT.

WISE-ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW CAN I HAVE A LIFE OF SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS?
GOOD NEWS, MY SON. SUCCESS IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN CHOICES IN LIFE.
THAT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE NEWS.
I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM "CHAOS AGENT," SENT HERE ON EARTH TO SOW DISORDER AMONG THE MASSES. BEHOLD!
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE DATE, BUT DO EACH OF YOU KNOW HOW THE OTHER FEELS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP?
THEY'RE THROWING SHOES.
MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

DO YOU SAY YOUR PRAYERS AT NIGHT?
OF COURSE I DO.
REALLY? THAT SORT OF SURPRISES ME. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.
I PRAY THE LORD MY CASH I KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
I'LL MISS THE LOOT I DID NOT TAKE.
AND YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T SPIRITUAL.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO GO CAMPING WITH ME THIS WEEKEND?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
BUT INSTEAD, MAYBE I'LL JUST SLEEP ON THE DIRT IN MY YARD, GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THE BUSHES, AND EAT CANNED FOOD IN THE COLD.
CAMPING IS MORE THAN THAT.
RIGHT. I LEFT OUT POISON OAK.

I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP.
I NEED MOTIVATION.
GIVE UP, PIG!
YOU CAN DO IT!
MOTIVATION TO NOT GIVE UP.
THAT WAS NOT CLEAR.

GEORGIA, DO YOU WANT YOUR TURKEY ON OUR CHINA OR ON PAPER PLATES TO GO?
PAPER PLATES? YOU THINK SOME KIND OF HUN, GARY?
WELL, YOU ARE AN EX-CON.
GET OUTTA MY FACE.
I'M GONNA TELL HER!
OH MAN, I RAN ALL THE WAY HERE, THEN TO HEAR YOU ARGUES?
LA! LA! LA!
YA BLEED'N' BUMS!
CAN A DAME DRINK IN PEACE IN THIS DUMP?
MARK MY WORDS. BEIN WITH A SECOND, I'M GONNA HIT YOU WITH A PAN.
A MAN LIKE ME DESERVES BETTER.
WOULD YOU TAKE THAT PAN WITH YOU? THAT'S LOOSE, LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN!!
BAH. AMASS WEALTH! GET THIS SIMPLE MA! AT A HONKY LIKE ME NEED A DRINK.
AM I WRONG OR WAY OFF BASE 6
NOPE. WAY OFF BASE.
AFGHANA? $1. AFMA.
I'M SELLING THEM.
TWENTY!
CARTOON BOY HID NINETEEN COUNTRIES NAMES.
ME? JUST HAVING SING.
A PORE ON MY HAND! JUST HAVING BREAK!

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU SITTING UP THERE ON YOUR ROOF?
PANDEMICS, CRIME, RISING SEAS... I'M SAFE FROM ALL OF THEM WHEN I SIT ALONE UP HERE!
WHAT ABOUT LIGHTNING STRIKES?
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I KEEP TRYING TO CORRECT THIS LONG TEXT, BUT IT'S HARD TO PUT THE CURSOR WHERE I WANT.
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TRICK WITH THE IPHONE? YOU JUST HOLD DOWN THE SPACE BAR AND IT LETS YOU MOVE THE CURSOR ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO ON THE SCREEN.
KABOOM
SOME REVELATIONS ARE QUITE MIND-BLOWING.

WELL, IN ORDER TO HELP US STICK TO OUR DIET AND LOSE WEIGHT, I'VE SEALED UP ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS, WHICH SHOULD PREVENT THE ENTRY OF DONUTS INTO OUR HOME AND
DONUT SMUGGLING MOLES. FOR SHAME.
I REALLY LIKE DONUTS.
WE'VE GOT HOLES IN THE BORDER.
ROGER.
UH... THE CARTEL WILL STILL WANT ITS MONEY.