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HERE'S TO A GREAT UPCOMING NEW YEAR.
YEAH, HERE'S TO OUR HEALTH AND HAPPINESS!
HERE'S TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY!
HERE'S TO MY THIGHS AND BEING BETTER THAN EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM.
NEVER INVITE A CYCLIST TO A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
DID HE JUST TOAST US WITH A KALE SMOOTHIE?

HEY, RAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE CENTRAL TRUTH OF LIFE?
YOU COME INTO THIS WORLD ALONE. AND YOU LEAVE THIS WORLD ALONE.
ACTUALLY, I'M A TWIN, SO I CAME INTO THIS WORLD WITH MY BROTHER.
NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF ALL OUR UNHAPPINESS?
PARANOIA.
TOO MUCH, HUH?
TOO LITTLE.
I'M MORE SCARED THAN EVER.

Dear Hand Soap Manufacturer...

Your bottle says, 'How to use:
Wet hands and apply soap.'
May I suggest that
anyone who needs that
instruction has more
problems than soap
can solve.

I'M A VOICE OF SANITY
IN A LAND OF LUNACY.

WELL, THE RATINGS ARE IN.
WHAT RATINGS?
FRIEND RATINGS. PIG, YOU SCORED 60 OUT OF 100. AND GOAT, YOU CAME IN AT A PALTRY 26.
PICK IT UP, GOAT, OR I'LL RELEGATE YOU TO ACQUAINTANCE STATUS.
I THINK I'D BE OKAY WITH THAT.
WHOA. THAT WILL NOT HELP YOUR RATING.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, PIG!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, RAT!
FOUR WEEKS EARLIER...
THIS YEAR, FOR REAL. NO GIFTS.
NO GIFTS.
WHY DO WE EVEN BOTHER PROMISING?
AND I GOT YOU A FEW MORE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
MY NEW INVENTION, THE "PEACE AND LOVE GRILL"
IT'S DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE GRILL, EAT AND TALK TOGETHER AT A COMMON TABLE, THEREBY HELPING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT'S THAT LITTLE SYMBOL ON THE SIDE OF YOUR GRILL? ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE A GIRL WHO ARE--
SYMBOL? IT'S JUST A GIRL. THAT--
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO BOYCOTT YOUR MODEL B? BECAUSE IF SO, WE MIGHT HAVE TO--
WAIT WAIT. I CAN JUST LEAVE IT AS
(LEAVE IT AS IS? FOR SHAME... FOR SHAAAAAME!!)
DESTROY HIS ENTIRE BUSINESS!!
DESTROY HIS ENTIRE BUSINESS!!
I'M GONNA LET THE WORLD SAVE ITSELF.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO, NEAR THE END OF THE TOOTHPASTE TUBE, HAS TO SQUEEZE OUT EVERY LAST BIT OF TOOTHPASTE BEFORE YOU CAN THROW IT OUT?
HAHA, NO. I'M FINE WITH JUST BUYING A NEW TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE.
WE CAN'T ASSOCIATE.
DATING IS SO HARD.

Look, Bob, me got big mug for Chreesmus.
Dat nice. You son get for you?
No. He get me dis.
Son closer to truth.
You below-average friend, Bob.

HAS KEN BURNS DONE A DOCUMENTARY ON BASEBALL, AN AMERICAN CREATION?
YEAH, HE HAS.
HAS KEN BURNS DONE A DOCUMENTARY ON JAZZ, AN AMERICAN CREATION?
YEAH, HE DID THAT TOO.
SO WHY HASN'T HE DONE A DOCUMENTARY ON THE COMIC STRIP, AN AMERICAN CREATION?!?
YOU MIGHT BE TOO LOUD FOR P.B.S.
MAYBE WE SHOULD THREATEN HIM WITH BODILY HARM.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, WHAT ARE YOUR HOLIDAY DRINK FLAVORS THIS YEAR?
LET'S SEE, WE HAVE: 'THIS IS THE LAST YEAR WE'RE VISITING YOUR FAMILY'; 'THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS THE MOST AWKWARD TWO HOURS OF THE YEAR'; AND 'WHO KNOWS WHAT THE @#$% TO GET FOR DAD?'
I WENT WITH, 'WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED THIS TIME OF YEAR?'

Dear Santa Claus, I'm afraid I'm broken beyond fixing.
So for Christmas this year, please send a new me.
I THINK SANTA ONLY DEALS IN TOYS.
A choo-choo train might help.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE.
POP!
SOME SOLUTIONS COME WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.

HELLO?
HIYA, GOAT...IT'S ME, PIG, CALLING TO SEE HOW YOUR TRIP TO FRANCE IS GOING.
PIG. IT'S TWO A.M.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S SIX O'CLOCK.
FRANCE IS EIGHT HOURS AHEAD.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
WE'RE NOT ON THE SAME TIME. IT'S TOMORROW HERE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
YEAH. NOW THAT YOU EXPLAIN IT I'M NOT STUPID.
I KNOW, PIG. I'M NOT CALLING YOU STUPID.
SO WHAT DOES THE STOCK MARKET DO TOMORROW?
GOAT CAN BE VERY UNPLEASANT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR LAST WORDS WILL BE JUST BEFORE YOU DIE?
'LOOK AT THAT GREAT BRIGHT LIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.'
AWWW... HEAVEN?
THE TRAIN THAT RUNS ME OVER.
I LOVE THESE DEEP DISCUSSIONS.

HEY, GOAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE'S PURPOSE.
IT'S HARDER THAN YOU'D THINK.
YOU WANT MEANING. SIGNIFICANCE. A GOOD LIVING. BUT ALSO A DEDICATION TO IMPROVING THE LIVES OF OTHERS. YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF.
Drink beer on beach.
YOU DO LIFE WRONGLY.

To: Rat
Subject: Cups
Hey, Rat. Need to know if you ordered the cups this week.
BOSS IS ON THE PHONE.
CAN THE MAN NOT READ AUTO-REPLIES?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... ANY PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
GONNA HIKE UP INTO THE MOUNTAINS AND CAMP.
HOW DO YOU PACK FOR THAT?
WELL, WEIGHT IS EVERYTHING, SO YOU HAVE TO PRIORITIZE AND ONLY BRING THE BARE ESSENTIALS.
ICE CREAM, LATTES, AND CHEESE WHEELS?
HIKERS HAVE ODD PRIORITIES.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT HAPPENS TO US CHARACTERS WHEN YOU DIE?
WHEN I DIE, YOU DIE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE OTHER PEOPLE DRAW US, LIKE WITH "FAMILY CIRCUS" AND "B.C."?
NOPE. WHEN I GO, YOU GO.
ALSO, I EAT A LOT OF FRIED FOOD, AND SMOKE TWO PACKS A DAY.
WE HAVE ISSUES.

I INTERRUPT YOUR COFFEE WITH A SOLUTION TO BOOK BANNING. IT'S CALLED, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE BOOK, JUST DON'T BUY IT."
IS THE MEGAPHONE NECESSARY?
GENIUS IDEAS NEED MEGAPHONES!

YAAAY!
WOOHOO!
HAHA
HAHA
WHOA. WHAT'S ALL THIS?
LIFE'S POOL O'GOODNESS! JUST HERE ENJOYING THE SUN, OUR FRIENDS, OUR LIVES!
POOL O' GOODNESS
WOW. HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN HERE?
YEAH! WHY? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
POOL O' TWITTER LAND
THE WHOLE WORLD'S BAD.
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT THE POOL YOU PLAY IN.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
POLITICS.
YOU WANT CHANGE?
YOU BET WE DO. AND WE WANT IT NOW!
IT'S A DOLLAR AND FORTY CENTS.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO CONFUSING.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?
YES.
RANDOM CHANCE.
I WAS HOPING FOR A BETTER REASON.

Structural Engineering Quiz
Define "rebar"
When I hit the same bar twice in one night.
I THINK I'LL QUIT TEACHING, BOB.
THAT BAR'S SOUNDING GOOD.

DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS WITH A SIGN LIKE THAT?
GREAT STINKIN' ADVICE FOR LOSERS