Pearls Before Swine | Search

MARCH, 2020
BOOHOO BOOHOO...
BECAUSE OF THIS PANDEMIC, I CAN NO LONGER BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
DOG: WOOF!
I DO.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GET A DOG, BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH PEOPLE, A DOG IS SECOND BEST!!
SOME TIME IN 2022
AFTER TWO YEARS OF LOCKDOWNS, IT APPEARS THE PANDEMIC NUMBERS ARE FINALLY COMING DOWN.
THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! WE CAN FINALLY HANG OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
IT'S JUST ME AND YOU FOREVER, DOGSO.
AND HE NEVER MISSED THE LOCKDOWN-RELATED UPDATES AGAIN.
NOW HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE THAT THE FOUR-LEGGED ONES LIVE FOREVER?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IF YOU WANT TO GET ALONG WELL WITH OTHERS.
NEVER GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
ISN'T THAT UNSOLICITED ADVICE?
ALSO, NEVER QUESTION YOUR FRIENDS.

SO I'M WALKING ON THIS NICE PAVED PATH ALONGSIDE A CREEK AND IT WAS PEACEFUL AND RELAXING AND I WAS ENJOYING THE SOLITUDE.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M STARTLED BY THIS GUY YELLING 'ON YOUR LEFT!' AS HE WHIZZED PAST ME ON HIS BIKE WHICH RAISES A QUESTION...
ARE CYCLISTS A PUNISHMENT FROM GOD?
YOU'RE GONNA GET EMAIL.
BRING ON THOSE LYCRA LOONS!

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
WHAT ARE YOUR SINS, MY SON?
I'VE LET THE IDIOTS GET TO ME, INSTEAD OF JUST ACCEPTING THEM FOR THE STUPID MORONS THAT THEY ARE.
I WAS NOT FORGIVEN.

My permit for rifle to hunt zeeba is get rejected.
Why dey reject you?
Question ask if me mentally in competition wid anyone. And me mentally in competition wid Zeeba, so me tell truth.
Are you mentally incompetent?
Yes!
Mebbe govmint no like competition,
Problee bunch of communiss.

HEY, ARCHITECT AL, WHATCHA WORKING ON?
DESIGN FOR THE RESTORATION OF THIS SPANISH MISSION.
THE OLD ONE WAS DARK AND DANK, SO MY BOSS IS TAKING THE POSITION THAT WE NEED TO MAKE THE MISSION AIRY.
DO YOU LIKE HER MISSION AIRY POSITION?
COMIC STRIP OVER.
YOU DON'T LIKE RESTORING MISSIONS?
YEAH, IT WELCOMES ALL KINDS OF SECTS.

I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK LATELY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.
DOES LIFE GIVE YOU THE SUGAR AND WATER IN THAT SAYING?
WELL, NO.
SO YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME A RECIPE FOR THE WORST LEMONADE EVER.
I'VE GOTTA THINK THROUGH THESE THINGS.

WISE PIG IS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, OUR NATION SEEMS TO BE HAVING SOME REALLY BIG PROBLEMS. IS THERE NOTHING WE CAN DO?
WELL, THE FIRST THING IS TO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST GENERATION TO ENCOUNTER HARD TIMES.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING DISTRUGHT AND ANGRY, FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE OUR COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE.
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, YOU'VE BEEN A TREMENDOUS HELP! THANK YOU, THANK--
WHY YOU STANDING?
'CAUSE I'M GETTING OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD.
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
WE'RE GONNA NEED PARACHUTES.

HI, RAT. IT'S ME PIG... LISTEN... WE'RE ALL VOLUNTEERING TO TAKE AWAY THE JUNK IN NEIGHBOR BOB'S YARD. CAN YOU HELP?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE DOING TO HELP?
I TAKE A FENCE.
WHAT AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.

Whuh you is do, Larry!
Me buying hunting rifle to get zeeba. Got fill out pernit ting.
Do you have a history of violence?
No. But gun should help.
Important to impress dem.

LARRY, WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF THE COUCH AND HUNT ZEBRAS?
Peesse shut mouf. Me has plan. Me buy gun.
LARRY, CROCS DON'T USE GUNS. THEY HUNT ZEBRAS WITH THEIR SPEED, CUNNING, AND STRENGTH LIKE ALL OF YOUR ANCESTORS.
Dis beeg time saver.
GET OFF THE COUCH, LARRY.
Waaomun, me only has so many hours in day!

HI, I HAVE SOME PAIN THAT'S MAKING IT HARD TO SLEEP.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED SOME TYLENOL P.M.
NO, BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 11 P.M., SO ONLY ONE HOUR OF MY SLEEP IS IN THE P.M.
YEAH, WELL, THE PRODUCT YOU NEED IS STILL P.M.
MAYBE FOR THE FIRST HOUR. BUT THEN AFTER THAT, THE BULK OF MY SLEEP IS IN THE A.M, SO LET'S FOCUS ON THAT.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO NEVER RETURN.

HEY, BOY. HOW'S YOUR JOB GOING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER?
BADLY. WE CAN NO LONGER CONSIDER S.A.T. OR A.P. SCORES, BECAUSE THE TESTS ARE CONSIDERED UNFAIR.
AND WE CAN'T CONSIDER RACE, DUE TO THE SUPREME COURT.
AND WE CAN'T LOOK AT ESSAYS, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY CHAT GPT.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE LET CHUCK THE CHICKEN DRAW NAMES FROM A HAT.
BUK BUK BUK BUKACK
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
AWW... THIS KID'LL BE SO HAPPY.

THIS POLITICIAN IN THE NEWS IS SO RACIST. WHY DO PEOPLE JUDGE OTHERS BY WHAT RACIAL OR ETHNIC GROUP THEY'RE IN?
I ALWAYS JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON WHAT GROUP THEY'RE IN.
YOU DO?
STUPID PEOPLE. AND ALL THE REST.
I'M GOING BACK TO READING.
AND LEMME TELL YOU, THAT SECOND GROUP IS NOT LARGE.

WHAT IS THIS?
MY GREATNESS DOESN'T GET ITS DUE, SO I'M REMINDING THE WORLD OF MY IMPORTANCE.
UH, WHY?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE GOAL OF EVERY BEING ON EARTH... TO LEAVE THEIR MARK... TO BE SIGNIFICANT... AND IN DOING SO, GAIN SOME MEASURE OF IMMORTALITY.
YOU THINK THAT'S EVERYONE'S GOAL?
I KNOW IT IS. IT'S WHAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US STRIVES FOR IN EVERYTHING WE DO.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE ONE PERSON'S DAY BETTER.
HE MIGHT NOT BE SANE.

HEY, MARLA AND CARLA TEA... WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TOMORROW?
SURE, BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER IF YOU SPENT THE NIGHT WITH US.
TEASE.
YES. TEAS.
IT'S NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF.
WE WERE BORN THIS WAY, YOU RACIST GIT#@!.
DATING IS SO CONFUSING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING PROFESSIONALLY?
PERSISTENCE.
FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS RECENTLY TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR. SO THE NEXT DAY I CALLED THEM BACK.
643 TIMES.
THAT'S SO INSPIRING.
ONLY THE RESTRAINING ORDER STOPPED ME.

HI AHMED
WHY SO SAD?
MY COUNTRY, QATAR, HAS LOST A BIG FOOTBALL MATCH TO SAUDI ARABIA.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YES, IT IS SO HARD TO WATCH SAUDI ARABIA LAUGHING AND CELEBRATING LIKE THAT.
WHILE MY QATAR GENTLY WEEPS.
I WEEP FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO READ THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS CLEANING THE ROOF GUTTERS AND I FELL OFF THE ROOF.
OH, NO. I'M SORRY.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
NOT FALL OFF THE ROOF.
NEXT TIME ASK MY ADVICE BEFOREHAND.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
WRITING A LETTER
TO MY NEIGHBOR BOB
TELLING HIM I
FORGIVE HIM FOR
EVERYTHING HE DID.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
PRACTICING FORGIVE-
NESS IS IMPORT-
TANT. MIND IF I
TAKE A LOOK?
SURE,
GO
AHEAD.
Dear Bob,
I forgive you for
all the things you've
done. I just have to
remember you're a
moron who always
does stupid things.
THE BEST APOLOGIES HAVE
A LITTLE ZING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NED, HOW GO THINGS AT THE FACTORY YOU OWN?
NOT SO GOOD. WE'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH OUR UNSKILLED LABOR.
HOW'S YOUR UNSKILLED MANAGEMENT?
OWNERSHIP IS EASILY OFFENDED.

I'VE GOT A FEELING ABOUT MICHELE. I THINK SHE'S LEAVING HOME.
BUT SHE LOVES YOU.
NO, I'M A LOSER. IN MY LIFE, I'M GOING NOWHERE.
BUT I SAW HER STANDING THERE YESTERDAY OR THE NIGHT BEFORE.
ACT NATURALLY. HERE COMES HER FRIEND JULIA.
OH, DARLING! MY NAME IS RITA.
LOVELY RITA! OF COURSE! CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
GET BACK. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU THINKING YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT GIRL.
TELL ME WHY.
BECAUSE.
LET IT BE. WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER. I CAN HELP YOU.
THE TWO OF US?
WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD?
ALSO, I AM THE WALRUS AND INTEND TO BE A PAPERBACK WRITER WHEN I'M 64.
I WANT US TO FIND ALL 28 Beatles SONGS.
I WANT YOU TO. DON'T LET ME DOWN, MEAN MR. MUSTARD.
3!!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, IS IT TRUE YOU USED TO RAISE A BUNCH OF EGRETS IN YOUR YARD THAT YOU'D OCCASIONALLY EAT?
EGRETS? I'VE HAD A FEW. BUT THEN AGAIN, TOO FEW TO MUNCH ON.
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR.

AAAAARRGHHH...
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WHY DO THEY MAKE THIS SO @#$%ING HARD?
OH, NO... YOU CLICKED THAT BOX?

WHAT'S ALL THAT, PIG?
A GRATER. I USE IT TO GRATE THE SKIN OF THIS LEMON. IT'S CALLED ZESTING AND IT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
YEAH. SORRY. I'M NOT MORE INTERESTED. I'M JUST NOT HAVING A VERY GOOD DAY.
ZEST IT!
THIS COULD REALLY CHANGE THE WORLD.