Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, IN ORDER TO HELP US STICK TO OUR DIET AND LOSE WEIGHT, I'VE SEALED UP ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS, WHICH SHOULD PREVENT THE ENTRY OF DONUTS INTO OUR HOME AND
DONUT SMUGGLING MOLES. FOR SHAME.
I REALLY LIKE DONUTS.
WE'VE GOT HOLES IN THE BORDER.
ROGER.
UH... THE CARTEL WILL STILL WANT ITS MONEY.

HEY, PIG... WHAT'S WITH THE COP OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE?
RAT AND I HAVE BEEN EATING REALLY POORLY LATELY, SO WE'RE PAYING A GUARD TO KEEP OUT ANY AND ALL DONUTS.
WHY NOT JUST NOT EAT DONUTS?
WHOLE NEW STRATEGY.

WHAT'S ALL THAT YOU'RE WRITING?
AN HOUR-BY-HOUR PLAN FOR MY TRIP TO ROME WITH MY SISTER. IF WE CAN STICK TO MY SCHED- ULE, WE CAN SEE EVERYTHING I'D LIKE TO SEE.
I'D WANT A VACATION FROM YOUR VACATION.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAN.
SOME PEOPLE NEED HELP.

WISE ASS ON HILL
OH, WISE ASS, WHAT WISDOM OF THE UNIVERSE CAN YOU SHARE WITH ME?
KINDNESS IS ITS OWN REWARD.
THAT'S GREAT. ANYTHING ELSE?
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.
THE UNIVERSE IS JUST AS CONFUSED AS THE REST OF US.

HEY, GUYS. I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MEECE ABELET. HE’S THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES AT AN EVENT I’M DOING.
OH. I DON’T GO BY MY FULL FIRST NAME. I’M JUST ‘RA.’
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING AN EMCEE?
WELL, THE PAY IS GOOD AND THEY PUT ME UP AT GOOD HOTELS.
YEAH. WE PUT YOU UP AT THE HILTON. IF THAT’S OKAY.
OH. I WAS HOPING TO STAY AT THAT SWANKY HIPSTER HOTEL. THEY CALL IT THE ‘DUH.’
WE CAN CHANGE THE HOTEL TO THE ‘DUH.’
THAT’D BE GREAT.
SUPER FUN.
IT’S FUN TO STAY AT DUH.
WHY, EMCEE A-RA?
YOUNG MAN, THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN GO.
AND THAT’S FAR AWAY FROM THE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, FREDDY McFLY... I THOUGHT YOU WERE OFF TO EUROPE.
GOT STOPPED BY TSA... WOULDN'T LET ME BOARD THE PLANE.
WHY NOT?
NO-FLY LIST.
SO RACIST.
SPIDER WALKED RIGHT ON.

WHAT'S THE BEST DAY YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE?
TOMORROW.
WHAT'S HAPPENING TOMORROW?
DON'T KNOW.
OPTIMISTS AREN'T RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M WORRIED ABOUT FIRES, DROUGHT, THE WARMING PLANET, AND METEOR STRIKES.
GOOD NEWS! THE TARDIGRADE SURVIVES ALL OF THOSE!
BUT I DON'T. I DIE.
YOU REALLY FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TIMMY
TARDIGRADE. TARDIGRADES HAVE
SURVIVED ALL FIVE MASS EXTINCTIONS
THAT HAVE OCCURRED ON EARTH.
THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MASS EXTINCTIONS?
YES.
THIS IS WHY I STAY IN BED.

WELL, RAT, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL ARE NOT TOO GOOD.
LET ME ASK YOU… DO YOU LEAD AN ACTIVE LIFESTYLE?
I DO.
I AM ACTIVELY ANGRY ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WORLD AND ALL THE ANNOYING PEOPLE IN IT.
AN ACTIVE LIFESTYLE IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

I THINK THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO FIND YOUR PASSION.
HOW ABOUT YOU, PIG? WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED ABOUT WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?
GOING BACK TO BED IN TWELVE HOURS.
NOT SURE THAT'S THE SAME THING.
IT'S A LONG TWELVE HOURS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?

Me starting on Larry gift to self. Ees zebra finger in formaldehyde. Me buy at store.
WHY DID YOU EVEN WANT IT?
Ees reminder of Larry's fierce predator nature.
NO, LARRY. IT'S THE OPPOSITE. YOU DIDN'T CATCH IT. YOU BOUGHT IT.
So?
SO YOU DON'T HUNT. YOU DON'T WORK. AND AT HOME, YOU NEVER EVEN LIFT A FINGER.
Some spouses real hard to please.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE TO SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU.
ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?
MOST DEFINITELY.
THE HONESTY IS REFRESHING.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
I'M A JUDGE IN THE COURT OF TWITTER JUSTICE. UNLIKE BORING OLD COURTS THAT TAKE FOREVER TO RULE ON PEOPLE’S GUILT OR INNOCENCE, I CAN WORK FAST.
HOW FAST?
GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.
TEN JUDGMENTS IN TEN SECONDS.
HUNCHES ARE THE KEY TO SWIFT JUSTICE.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO DO WHEN YOUR HEART
BREAKS INTO HUNDREDS
OF PIECES?
JUST
GIVE
IT TIME TO
HEAL.
HEAL, YOU STUPID
HEART!
THIS FEELS LIKE A LONG
PROCESS.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HI, SHAWNA. I JUST CAME HERE TO GET MY HEART. EVER SINCE I MET YOU, ALL MY HEART'S WANTED TO DO IS BE HERE WITH YOU.
WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET, PIG. BUT I'M NOT SURE I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL, AND NOW MY HEART ALWAYS WANTS TO BE WITH HER.
COME BACK, YOU STUPID THING!
I NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.

I REALLY LOVE THAT GIRL OVER THERE. SHE SEEMS SO SMART AND FUNNY AND WONDERFUL.
I'D BE CAREFUL. SHE'S THE KIND WHO CAN STEAL YOUR HEART AWAY.
NO ONE CAN JUST TAKE YOUR HEART. YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO THEM.
SHE'S A REAL PROBLEM.

THE ADVENTURES OF DEMOCRACY MAN
VOTING BOOTH
VOTING BOOTH
PULLING PLACE
YEAH, I JUST TRIED TO VOTE, BUT SOMEBODY CAME THROUGH MY BALLOT AND BLACKENED OUT THE PARTY THAT EACH CANDIDATE BELONGS TO.
I DID THAT!!
WHO ARE YOU?
DEMOCRACY MAN!
WELL, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO VOTE WITHOUT MY TEAM GUIDE?
YEAH! I AM SO MAD, I WANT TO RIP YOUR RED!
BUT THIS WAY THERE ARE NO TEAMS OR PARTIES THAT WIN OR LOSE... EACH OF US SIMPLY VOTES FOR THE PERSON HE THINKS WILL DO WHAT'S BEST FOR OUR COUNTRY!
HEY, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
LEFT WING COMMIE LIBERAL...
DEMOCRACY MAN AWAAYYYYY!!
DEMOCRACY MAN KNOWS A BAD SITUATION WHEN HE SEES IT.
POOR DEMOCRACY MAN.
POOR DEMOCRACY MAN.

WHAT IS IT WITH ALL MY
STUPID PLANTS? THEY
NEVER DO WELL.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
TALKING TO THEM? IT'S
ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO
HELP.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE @#$%*@#
PLANT.
NOTHING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, NEIGHBOR BOB?
I'M TRYING TO SUBMIT THIS VIDEO FOR WORK, BUT THE WIFI IN THIS CAFE IS RIDICULOUSLY SLOW.
OH, HMM. SO THROUGH A MIRACLE OF TECHNOLOGY, YOU CAN DO YOUR WORK FROM ALMOST ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, ALL ON THAT LITTLE DEVICE THAT GIVES YOU INFORMATION ON ANYTHING YOU WANT, BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S NOT SENDING THAT DATA MAGICALLY THROUGH THE AIR AS RAPIDLY AS YOU'D LIKE.
I CAN SEE HOW THAT WOULD TROUBLE YOU.
PLEASE DON'T ADD PERSPECTIVE TO MY LIFE.
HOW DO YOU EVEN GO ON?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST FEELING IS? LOOKING IN YOUR MIRROR AND REALIZING YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELF TO BLAME FOR SOMETHING.
THAT'S ROUGH. BUT YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION.
YEAH. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GOT RID OF THE MIRROR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I WAS STANDING ON MY FRIEND GRACES HEAD TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB AND LOST MY BALANCE AND...
DON'T SAY IT.
I FELL FROM GRACE.
MAY YOUR OWN FALL BE SUDDEN AND STEEP.

HEY, SARAH. I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO START DATING.
SURE THING, PIG. BUT LEMME DO SOMETHING FIRST.
WHAT'S THAT?
EXPIRATION DATE. ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE THEM.
I FEEL LIKE A QUART OF MILK.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, GIVE ME ADVICE FOR HOW BEST TO NAVIGATE LIFE.
DON'T CAUSE PROBLEMS WHERE THERE AREN'T ANY.
THERE GOES MY REASON FOR BEING.