Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR PIG'S MOM CHANGED THE LAST NAME SHE WAS BORN WITH? HER LAST NAME IS NOW I'MCOMMITTINGBANKFRAUD.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SHE DOESN'T LIKE HER SON.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
THANKS FOR CALLING ACME BANK... FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES, WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
NEVER MIND.

I THINK IN TEN YEARS, WE WILL HAVE THE CURE FOR MOST MAJOR DISEASES.
THAT'S GREAT, RAT. IT'S NICE TO HEAR YOU BE POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE.
THANKS.
THOUGH IT WON'T MATTER BECAUSE A.I. WILL HAVE KILLED US ALL.
COULDN'T DO IT, COULD YOU?
I'M AS POSITIVE AS LIFE LETS ME BE.

HEY, RAT, THE COMPANY WOULD LIKE ALL OF YOU EMPLOYEES TO HELP DRAFT OUR COMPANY'S MISSION STATEMENT.
IT SHOULD REFLECT OUR VALUES AS A CORPORATION AND A PART OF THIS COMMUNITY.
MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS POSSIBLE. ACT LIKE WE CARE ABOUT OTHER STUFF.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS.
IT DOES REFLECT OUR VALUES.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
$10
$10
$10
$10
$10
GATHER AROUND!
GATHER AROUND!
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS IS TO NEVER TRUST PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO HAVE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
THEY'LL THANK ME WHEN THE FURY SUBSIDES.

JOB SKILLS QUESTIONNAIRE
What are you adept at?
Nothing
FOR A JOB QUESTIONNAIRE, YOU SHOULD FRAME ALL YOUR ANSWERS AS A POSITIVE.
I'm adept at being unskilled.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
Yeah. Me want return son for refund. He no respond to texts.
He say, 'Welcome to parenthood'.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK.
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE LOST IN MY LIFE.
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
SURELY THEY'RE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN ERECTOR SET.
GIVEN YOUR AGE, I BET YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ONE OF THESE IN YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, BUT CONSIDER THIS COMIC STRIP OVER.
SOUNDS LIKE THE GUY JUST DOESN'T GET ERECTOR SETS.
MUST BE HARD.

IF AFTER YOU DIE, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASK GOD TO REVEAL THE ANSWER TO ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERIES, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK?
HOW THEY BUILT THE PYRAMIDS. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHY WE KEEP ALL THOSE PENS BY THE PHONE EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM WORK.
I DON'T THINK THAT MYSTERY CAN EVER BE REVEALED.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WE HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD. WHAT IS THE CAUSE?
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE?
NOT MUCH.
STUPID PEOPLE.
HE GOT RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH NEIGHBOR BOB. HE USED TO TALK TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT POLITICS. NOW HE WON'T EVEN HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH ME.
I MEAN, I STAY INFORMED.
I LOOK AT ALL THE RELEVANT WEB SITES.
AND I STAY PRETTY UP-TO-DATE WITH STUFF DISCUSSED ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
AND I TALK TO PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT POLITICS.
HE'S EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA.
SO CLOSED-MINDED.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING. JEF THE CYCLIST
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT. WE'RE GONNA ORDER THE WHOLE COUNTRY TO EAT LIKE CYCLISTS. EXERCISE LIKE CYCLISTS. AND DISCIPLINE THEMSELVES LIKE CYCLISTS.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW A DEMOCRACY WORKS, JEF. WE HAVE A CONGRESS THAT PASSES LAWS, A SUPREME COURT THAT RULES ON THEIR LEGALITY. AND A CONSTITUTION THAT IS THE SUPREME LAW OF THE LAND.
NO WONDER WE'RE SUPERIOR.

DO YOU KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL WHERE YOU CONFESS YOUR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?
OF COURSE. I'M NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
TUESDAY
Was great today.
WEDNESDAY
Was great again.
THURSDAY
Was great again.
I'M WONDERING WHAT FRIDAY HOLDS.
I'M GUESSING MORE GREATNESS.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL THE ANXIETY CAUSED BY THIS ELECTION
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL THE ANXIETY CAUSED BY THIS ELECTION
WE MAY NEED MORE BALLOONS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?!
AN EXPERIMENT. THE FOLLOWING SUBJECT MATTER IS SOMETHING I'VE NEVER SEARCHED FOR OR MENTIONED ANYWHERE ONLINE OR IN EMAIL....
BOLIVIAN BOLO TIES.
I AM NOW GETTING ADS FOR BOLIVIAN BOLO TIES.
OUR @#*&$ PHONES ARE LISTENING TO US!
I LOVE YOU, MR. GOVERNMENT! I LOVE YOU, BIG TECH!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH THESE GENDER- NEUTRAL BATHROOMS?
YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?
WHAT'S HAPPENING IS THAT GOOD, MIDDLE-CLASS JOBS THAT USED TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY WERE MOVED OVERSEAS FOR THE BENEFIT OF HEDGE FUNDS AND CORPORATIONS FAR RICHER THAN YOU.
TOGETHER WITH THEIR CAPTIVE JUDGES AND POLITICIANS, THEY ARE PART OF AN ELITE CLASS WHO HAVE BECOME SIGNIFICANTLY MORE POWERFUL WHILE THE REST OF US ARGUE OVER BATHROOMS.
SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS,
IS IT NORMAL FOR LIFE
TO BE FILLED WITH
HIGHS AND LOWS?
OF
COURSE,
MY SON.
THEN WHY IS MINE ALL
LOWS AND LOWERS?
STUMPED HIM ON THAT
ONE.

LET US IN! LET US IN!
GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY!
THERE'S TOO MUCH POLITICAL INSTABILITY!
DON'T CARE! YOU CRAZY AMERICANS!
THOSE CANADIANS SURE ARE MAKING OUR LIVES DIFFICULT..
POST-ELECTION BORDER SURGE.
AND CANADIANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SO NICE.

WHICH OF THESE TWO CANDIDATES ARE YOU GONNA BE VOTING FOR?
THAT GUY ON THE RIGHT. HIS POLICIES BENEFIT ME MOST.
YES, BUT ISN'T THERE ANY PHILANTHROPY IN YOU? I MEAN, DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD?
YES.
WHAT'S GREATER FOR ME IS GOOD.
SUDDENLY I'M IN FAVOR OF VOTER SUPPRESSION.
SOUNDS LIKE I'VE BEEN A PHILANTHROPIST FOR YEARS.

A BOY AND HIS DAD ARE IN
A CAR ACCIDENT. THE DAD
DIES. THE BOY IS RUSHED
TO THE HOSPITAL..
THE SURGEON AT THE
HOSPITAL SAYS, "I CAN'T OPERATE
ON THIS BOY. HE'S
MY SON. HOW IS
THAT POSSIBLE?
DUH.
THE PERSON
OPERATING
IS HIS
MOTHER.
VERY GOOD. THAT'S
DESIGNED
TO SHOW
GENDER BIAS,
AND YOU--
AND SHE'S
OBVIOUSLY A
PATHOLOGICAL
LIAR BECAUSE
ONLY MEN CAN
BE SURGEONS.
SO CLOSE
TO GIVING ME
HOPE.
AND WHY HASN'T
SHE BEEN
ARRESTED FOR
IMPERSONATING
A MEDICAL
PROFESSIONAL?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PUTTING TOGETHER A WOMEN'S CONFERENCE ALL ABOUT OBTAINING GOOD, RELIABLE INFORMATION IN THE AGE OF THE INTERNET.
AT THE END OF IT, WE'RE GONNA CROWN THE ONE WOMAN WHO HAS DONE THE MOST TO FURTHER OUR GOALS.
CROWN HER WHAT?
"MISS INFORMATION 2024."
MAYBE PICK A DIFFERENT TITLE.
IS "MISS INFORMED" BETTER?

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO TAILGATING WITH ME?
SURE. WHAT GAME ARE YOU GOING TO?
NO GAME. I JUST FOLLOW PEOPLE CLOSEY ON THE FREEWAY.
I NEED NEW FRIENDS.

DO YOU REMEMBER BEING SAD ON THE DAY KURT COBAIN DIED?
OH, YEAH. IT WAS SO TERRIBLE AND SHOCKING. WHY DO YOU ASK?
IT'S A TEST TO SEE IF YOU'RE OLD.
TURNS OUT YOU ARE.
I DON'T NEED THE REMINDER.
ARE HIS SONGS OLDIES BUT GOODIES?

BALLOON TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE
BALLOON TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE
SOME WEEKS ARE HARDER TO HANDLE THAN OTHERS.

YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT AND NOT THAT SMART.
I THOUGHT THIS AREA WAS JUDGMENT FREE.
IT IS. I DON’T CHARGE A NICKEL.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COULD BE MUCH MORE PRECISE.