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HOW IS IT THAT I SEEM TO GET DUMBER AS I GET OLDER?
BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN SHRINKS A LITTLE EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE UNTIL ONE DAY IT'S THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
BUT I THINK MINE IS ALREADY THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
THEN YOURS BECOMES A PISTACHIO.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE THE SCIENCE EXPLAINED.

WISE-ASS
ON THE
HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE GREAT SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE THAT WE ONLY LEARN AFTER WE DIE?
THAT THE MICROPHONE ON YOUR SMARTPHONE WAS ON THE WHOLE TIME.
WE NEED TO START WHISPERING.

She was tall.
She was tall.
- HEIGHTIST
- ANTI-SHORT
- SOMEHOW RACIST
Cancel book contract.
Fire author.
Hit him with paddle.
BEING A SENSITIVITY READER IS MORE FUN THAN I THOUGHT.

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB
AS A SENSITIVITY READER
FOR A KIDS' BOOK PUBLISHER.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
IT'S LIKE A JUDGE AT THE
SALEM WITCH TRIALS MAKING
SURE EVERYONE CONFORMS IN
THOUGHT AND SPEECH, LEST
THEY DISTURB THE REST OF US.
SADLY, WE STOP SHORT OF
BURNING.
HAVE
WE ALL
GONE
CRAZY?
'CRAZY' IS
A BANNED
WORD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT
I GOT A JOB AS A
SENSITIVITY READER. I
HELP PUBLISHERS DETER-
MINE IF ANYTHING IN
THEIR BOOKS COULD BE
OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE.
CAN I SEE
WHAT YOU
HAVE SO
FAR?
SURE.
I'M OFFENDED
THIS BOOK
IS SO BLAND.
I'M REALLY SENSITIVE TO
THAT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M WITH A NON-PROFIT GROUP THAT SEEKS TO STRENGTHEN OUR DEMOCRACY, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING THREATENED.
OH, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IF EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, I'LL JUST GRAB MY EMERGENCY BALLOON AND FLOAT OFF TO CANADA.
CAN THAT HOLD TWO PEOPLE?
GET YOUR OWN BALLOON.

WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
THAT'S MY DRIVER, VIRGINIA, AND OUR DONKEY, HOLMES. HE'S NAMED THAT BECAUSE OF HIS DETECTIVE CAP.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
THE CITY'S MAKING A BIG PUSH TO HAVE MORE GREEN SPACES, SO THEY HIRED US TO COUNT TREE ROADS.
TREE ROADS?
YEAH, ROADS THAT HAVE TREES. THEY'RE MOSTLY IN THE WEST AND TYPICALLY HAVE LONG IVY AROUND THEIR HOOVES.
SO ARE YOU READY, VIRGINIA?
TO DO WHAT?
COUNT TREE ROADS, TAKE ME, HOLMES, TO THE PLACE IVY'S LONG, WEST VIRGINIA.
MOUNTAIN MAMA WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.

I'VE STARTED READING THE BIBLE A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY.
DO YOU READ IT IN ANY CERTAIN ORDER?
YEAH. I SEEK OUT THE PARTS THAT LET ME JUDGE OTHERS AND AVOID ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL BAD.
IS THERE ANOTHER WAY TO READ THE BIBLE?

HI. HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU WANT?
NOT YET. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT IS YOUR CORKAGE FEE?
THIRTY DOLLARS.
GREAT. WILL YOU PUT A CORK IN THAT GUY?
CORKAGE FEES ARE NOT WHAT YOU'D THINK.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ANY CALLS OR TEXTS FROM MY FRIENDS. I HAVE THE 'DO NOT DISTURB' FEATURE ON.
NO, YOU DON'T.
LONELINESS IS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU CAN BLAME IT ON TECHNOLOGY.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY COPSE OF TREES.
OH, SORRY, PIG... DIDN'T MEAN TO USE FANCY WORDS. DO YOU KNOW 'COPSE'?
YES. I'M NOT STUPID.
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS,
WHATCHA GONNA DO... WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU...
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
PLEASE. I KNOW THAT SHOW COLD.

You recently asked me if I wanted to turn "Notifications" on.
It was the 3,430th time you have asked me.
I have clicked "NO" 3,430 times.
If you ask me again, I will kick Mark Zuckerberg in the hoohaws.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT PERSONAL.

THANK YOU, SEATTLE, FOR COMING OUT ON HALLOWEEN EVE FOR THIS BOOK SIGNING. AS YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN ARRESTED TWICE ON THIS BOOK TOUR. I’VE ALSO LOST MY CAR. AND A BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE WAS KILLED. OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S BEEN A GREAT TOUR.
STEPHAN PASTIS BOOK TOUR
THIRD PLACE BOOKS
YEAH, I JUST WANT TO SAY I’VE BEEN A BIG FAN FOR TWENTY YEARS. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR WORK.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY —
TRICK OR TREAT!!
I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.
WHO ELSE IS HERE FOR THE DAV PILKEY SIGNING?

TRICK OR TREAT!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO BE?
WE REPRESENT THE GOOD OL' U.S. OF A.
YEAH, WELL, WE RAN OUT OF CANDY, SO ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THIS BEER.
OH, I'LL TAKE IT!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES THAT BEER COMPANY SUPPORTS?
WHO CARES? IT'S BEER, MAN.
TO HECK WITH YOU. I'M NOT GONNA SHARE A COSTUME WITH SOMEONE WHO DRINKS THAT!
GOOD. THEN GET LOST!
I WILL!
RRUP
AS I SAID, WE REPRESENT THE U.S. OF A.

STORY UPDATE
Cartoonist Stephan Pastis has been arrested for the second time on his book tour, this time for felony drug possession while en route from Phoenix to San Diego.
Hello?
HI, STEPH! IT'S ME, PIG. GOOD NEWS! THE CROCS HAVE AGREED TO FILL IN FOR YOU AT YOUR SACRAMENTO SIGNING TONIGHT.
Well, thanks for taking care of that.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT A BARNES AND NOBLE SHIFT MANAGER HAS BEEN SWALLOWED WHOLE.
Oh, god.
ALSO, WHAT'S THE TERM "LEGALLY LIABLE" MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CHANGING MY OUTGOING PHONE MESSAGE.
I LIKE TO DO IT EVERY FEW WEEKS TO KEEP IT FRESH AND GIVE CALLERS A NICE, NEW GREETING. YOU SHOULD DO A NEW ONE TOO.
HI, YOU'VE REACHED RAT. I HATE THE PHONE AND PEOPLE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
MAYBE KEEP YOUR OLD ONE.

HEY, STEPH. HOW WAS
YOUR BOOK SIGNING IN
TEMPE?
GREAT. NOW I'M
AT THE AIRPORT
READY TO FLY TO
SAN DIEGO FOR
MY SIGNING
TOMORROW.
AND THE BEST PART IS THAT
MARIJUANA IS NOW LEGAL IN
CALIFORNIA AND ARIZONA,
SO I'M TAKING SOME WITH
ME ON THE PLANE.
YEAH, BUT FLYING
IS CONTROLLED
BY FEDERAL LAW.
SO?
SO UNDER FEDERAL
LAW, MARIJUANA IS
NOT --
SOMEONE'S
GOING TO FEDERAL
PRISON FOR A
VERY LONG
TIME.
BUT
SAN DIEGO
WILL MISS ME!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
TO WIN MORE THAN YOU LOSE.
BUT FOR ME TO WIN, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO LOSE. AND THEN THEY'RE UNHAPPY.
I SEE YOUR POINT.
MAYBE JUST SIT AT HOME AND EAT PIZZA.
I KNEW MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.

PIG, HE'S SELLING MY CAR!
ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE'VE HAD QUITE A FEW OFFERS.

HELLO, READERS... GIVEN THAT THIS STRIP IS SO RARELY FUNNY, WE HERE AT `PEARLS' DECIDED TO MAKE BETTER USE OF THE SPACE.
SO GOING FORWARD, THIS SPACE WILL NOW BE USED FOR ADS, WHICH CAN BE YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $10,000.
HEY, PIG. DID RAT FILL IN FOR ME TODAY ON THE STRIP LIKE I ASKED?
...UH...MAYBE JUST FOCUS ON THE BOOK TOUR, STEPH.

GEE, THAT SCREEN SURE IS DUSTY. WANT ME TO CLEAN THAT FOR YOU?
SURE.
THAT REMINDS ME. DID YOU PAY THE CABLE BILL? IF NOT, I CAN DO IT.
THANKS.
GEE, OUR BILLS IN THE FILE CABINET ARE ALL DISORGANIZED. I'M GONNA TRY TO RE-FILE EVERYTHING.
OKAY.
RAT? RAT?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING?
YEAH!
PROCRASTINATION IS THE ESSENCE OF WRITING!
IT'S HOPELESS. THE FILING CABINET IS BROKEN. I'M GONNA GET OUR OTHER ONE OUT OF STORAGE.
ALL WRITERS SHOULD LIVE ALONE.
NOW I HAVE TO REPAINT THAT WALL. NAH. I'LL JUST DO THE WHOLE HOUSE.

I NEVER SEEM TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS IN MY LIFE OR CAREER.
WELL, LIFE IS OFTEN TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK.
YES! THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE.
EXCEPT TWO STEPS BACK, NO STEPS FORWARD.
THAT'S ALMOST THE SAME.
IT'S REALLY JUST ONE BIG DOWNWARD ARC.

HEY, STEPH. HOW'S NEW ORLEANS?
GREAT! GOT A PO'BOY FROM PARKWAY, A MUFFULETTA FROM ALBERTOS, RED BEANS AND RICE FROM JOEY K'S, FRIED CHICKEN FROM COOP'S...
BEIGNETS FROM LORETTA'S, DINNER AT BRIGTSEN'S... AND YOU DRINK- ING AT PORT OF CALL AND--
WAIT A MINUTE. AREN'T YOU THERE FOR A BOOK SIGNING?
I GOT DISTRACTED BY YOUR FOOD!
HAPPENS TO ALL THE AUTHORS.

HEY, PIG, I GOTTA BE IN ST. LOUIS TOMORROW, THEN MEMPHIS. MIND DOING TODAY'S STRIP FOR ME?
SURE. WHAT SHOULD IT SAY?
IT'S UP TO YOU, PIG. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO REACH MILLIONS OF PEOPLE?
I LOVE YOU ALL.

HEY, STEPH. IT'S ME. PIG. WERE YOU ABLE TO GET OUT OF YOUR PRISON CLOTHES FOR THE BOOK TOUR?
YEAH, BUT NO. NOW I'M HERE IN ATLANTA AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M SPEAKING TOMORROW.
OH, YEAH, THE GUY FROM THE BOOKSTORE CALLED AND GAVE ME THE ADDRESS, WHICH I THINK I WROTE DOWN.
OH, GREAT, WHAT'S THE STREET?
'PEACH' SOMETHING.
PIG. THAT'S HALF THE STREETS IN ATLANTA.
OH, GOOD, WE'VE NARROWED IT DOWN.