Pearls Before Swine | Search

WISE-ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW CAN I HAVE A LIFE OF SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS?
GOOD NEWS, MY SON. SUCCESS IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN CHOICES IN LIFE.
THAT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE NEWS.
I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM "CHAOS AGENT," SENT HERE ON EARTH TO SOW DISORDER AMONG THE MASSES. BEHOLD!
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE DATE, BUT DO EACH OF YOU KNOW HOW THE OTHER FEELS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP?
THEY'RE THROWING SHOES.
MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

DO YOU SAY YOUR PRAYERS AT NIGHT?
OF COURSE I DO.
REALLY? THAT SORT OF SURPRISES ME. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.
I PRAY THE LORD MY CASH I KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
I'LL MISS THE LOOT I DID NOT TAKE.
AND YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T SPIRITUAL.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO GO CAMPING WITH ME THIS WEEKEND?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
BUT INSTEAD, MAYBE I'LL JUST SLEEP ON THE DIRT IN MY YARD, GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THE BUSHES, AND EAT CANNED FOOD IN THE COLD.
CAMPING IS MORE THAN THAT.
RIGHT. I LEFT OUT POISON OAK.

I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP.
I NEED MOTIVATION.
GIVE UP, PIG!
YOU CAN DO IT!
MOTIVATION TO NOT GIVE UP.
THAT WAS NOT CLEAR.

GEORGIA, DO YOU WANT YOUR TURKEY ON OUR CHINA OR ON PAPER PLATES TO GO?
PAPER PLATES? YOU THINK SOME KIND OF HUN, GARY?
WELL, YOU ARE AN EX-CON.
GET OUTTA MY FACE.
I'M GONNA TELL HER!
OH MAN, I RAN ALL THE WAY HERE, THEN TO HEAR YOU ARGUES?
LA! LA! LA!
YA BLEED'N' BUMS!
CAN A DAME DRINK IN PEACE IN THIS DUMP?
MARK MY WORDS. BEIN WITH A SECOND, I'M GONNA HIT YOU WITH A PAN.
A MAN LIKE ME DESERVES BETTER.
WOULD YOU TAKE THAT PAN WITH YOU? THAT'S LOOSE, LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN!!
BAH. AMASS WEALTH! GET THIS SIMPLE MA! AT A HONKY LIKE ME NEED A DRINK.
AM I WRONG OR WAY OFF BASE 6
NOPE. WAY OFF BASE.
AFGHANA? $1. AFMA.
I'M SELLING THEM.
TWENTY!
CARTOON BOY HID NINETEEN COUNTRIES NAMES.
ME? JUST HAVING SING.
A PORE ON MY HAND! JUST HAVING BREAK!

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU SITTING UP THERE ON YOUR ROOF?
PANDEMICS, CRIME, RISING SEAS... I'M SAFE FROM ALL OF THEM WHEN I SIT ALONE UP HERE!
WHAT ABOUT LIGHTNING STRIKES?
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I KEEP TRYING TO CORRECT THIS LONG TEXT, BUT IT'S HARD TO PUT THE CURSOR WHERE I WANT.
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TRICK WITH THE IPHONE? YOU JUST HOLD DOWN THE SPACE BAR AND IT LETS YOU MOVE THE CURSOR ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO ON THE SCREEN.
KABOOM
SOME REVELATIONS ARE QUITE MIND-BLOWING.

WELL, IN ORDER TO HELP US STICK TO OUR DIET AND LOSE WEIGHT, I'VE SEALED UP ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS, WHICH SHOULD PREVENT THE ENTRY OF DONUTS INTO OUR HOME AND
DONUT SMUGGLING MOLES. FOR SHAME.
I REALLY LIKE DONUTS.
WE'VE GOT HOLES IN THE BORDER.
ROGER.
UH... THE CARTEL WILL STILL WANT ITS MONEY.

HEY, PIG... WHAT'S WITH THE COP OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE?
RAT AND I HAVE BEEN EATING REALLY POORLY LATELY, SO WE'RE PAYING A GUARD TO KEEP OUT ANY AND ALL DONUTS.
WHY NOT JUST NOT EAT DONUTS?
WHOLE NEW STRATEGY.

WHAT'S ALL THAT YOU'RE WRITING?
AN HOUR-BY-HOUR PLAN FOR MY TRIP TO ROME WITH MY SISTER. IF WE CAN STICK TO MY SCHED- ULE, WE CAN SEE EVERYTHING I'D LIKE TO SEE.
I'D WANT A VACATION FROM YOUR VACATION.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAN.
SOME PEOPLE NEED HELP.

WISE ASS ON HILL
OH, WISE ASS, WHAT WISDOM OF THE UNIVERSE CAN YOU SHARE WITH ME?
KINDNESS IS ITS OWN REWARD.
THAT'S GREAT. ANYTHING ELSE?
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.
THE UNIVERSE IS JUST AS CONFUSED AS THE REST OF US.

HEY, GUYS. I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MEECE ABELET. HE’S THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES AT AN EVENT I’M DOING.
OH. I DON’T GO BY MY FULL FIRST NAME. I’M JUST ‘RA.’
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING AN EMCEE?
WELL, THE PAY IS GOOD AND THEY PUT ME UP AT GOOD HOTELS.
YEAH. WE PUT YOU UP AT THE HILTON. IF THAT’S OKAY.
OH. I WAS HOPING TO STAY AT THAT SWANKY HIPSTER HOTEL. THEY CALL IT THE ‘DUH.’
WE CAN CHANGE THE HOTEL TO THE ‘DUH.’
THAT’D BE GREAT.
SUPER FUN.
IT’S FUN TO STAY AT DUH.
WHY, EMCEE A-RA?
YOUNG MAN, THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN GO.
AND THAT’S FAR AWAY FROM THE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, FREDDY McFLY... I THOUGHT YOU WERE OFF TO EUROPE.
GOT STOPPED BY TSA... WOULDN'T LET ME BOARD THE PLANE.
WHY NOT?
NO-FLY LIST.
SO RACIST.
SPIDER WALKED RIGHT ON.

WHAT'S THE BEST DAY YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE?
TOMORROW.
WHAT'S HAPPENING TOMORROW?
DON'T KNOW.
OPTIMISTS AREN'T RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M WORRIED ABOUT FIRES, DROUGHT, THE WARMING PLANET, AND METEOR STRIKES.
GOOD NEWS! THE TARDIGRADE SURVIVES ALL OF THOSE!
BUT I DON'T. I DIE.
YOU REALLY FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TIMMY
TARDIGRADE. TARDIGRADES HAVE
SURVIVED ALL FIVE MASS EXTINCTIONS
THAT HAVE OCCURRED ON EARTH.
THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MASS EXTINCTIONS?
YES.
THIS IS WHY I STAY IN BED.

WELL, RAT, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL ARE NOT TOO GOOD.
LET ME ASK YOU… DO YOU LEAD AN ACTIVE LIFESTYLE?
I DO.
I AM ACTIVELY ANGRY ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WORLD AND ALL THE ANNOYING PEOPLE IN IT.
AN ACTIVE LIFESTYLE IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

I THINK THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO FIND YOUR PASSION.
HOW ABOUT YOU, PIG? WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED ABOUT WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?
GOING BACK TO BED IN TWELVE HOURS.
NOT SURE THAT'S THE SAME THING.
IT'S A LONG TWELVE HOURS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?

Me starting on Larry gift to self. Ees zebra finger in formaldehyde. Me buy at store.
WHY DID YOU EVEN WANT IT?
Ees reminder of Larry's fierce predator nature.
NO, LARRY. IT'S THE OPPOSITE. YOU DIDN'T CATCH IT. YOU BOUGHT IT.
So?
SO YOU DON'T HUNT. YOU DON'T WORK. AND AT HOME, YOU NEVER EVEN LIFT A FINGER.
Some spouses real hard to please.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE TO SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU.
ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?
MOST DEFINITELY.
THE HONESTY IS REFRESHING.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
I'M A JUDGE IN THE COURT OF TWITTER JUSTICE. UNLIKE BORING OLD COURTS THAT TAKE FOREVER TO RULE ON PEOPLE’S GUILT OR INNOCENCE, I CAN WORK FAST.
HOW FAST?
GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.
TEN JUDGMENTS IN TEN SECONDS.
HUNCHES ARE THE KEY TO SWIFT JUSTICE.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO DO WHEN YOUR HEART
BREAKS INTO HUNDREDS
OF PIECES?
JUST
GIVE
IT TIME TO
HEAL.
HEAL, YOU STUPID
HEART!
THIS FEELS LIKE A LONG
PROCESS.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HI, SHAWNA. I JUST CAME HERE TO GET MY HEART. EVER SINCE I MET YOU, ALL MY HEART'S WANTED TO DO IS BE HERE WITH YOU.
WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET, PIG. BUT I'M NOT SURE I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL, AND NOW MY HEART ALWAYS WANTS TO BE WITH HER.
COME BACK, YOU STUPID THING!
I NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.