Pearls Before Swine | Search

I THINK I WANT TO BE A WRITER.
THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT. I'VE HEARD THAT WRITERS SPEND HALF THEIR WAKING LIVES JUST WRITING.
THAT'S OKAY. YOU STILL HAVE THE WHOLE OTHER HALF FOR LIVING YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S FOR PROCRASTINATION.
WHERE DO THEY FIND THE TIME FOR SELF-LOATHING?
THAT'S IN LIEU OF SLEEP.

THE COURT LET STEPHAN OUT OF PRISON TO DO HIS BOOK SIGNING IN ORLANDO, BUT HE HAS TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE ANKLE THINGS.
OH, AN ANKLE MONITOR?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE'S GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM... THE PRISON CAN'T FIND HIS CLOTHES.
SO WHAT'S HE WEARING AT THE SIGNING?
MOMMY, THE BAD MAN IS SCARING ME.
JUNIOR! DON'T STAND SO CLOSE!

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ASKING THE COURT TO GRANT BAIL SO YOU CAN ATTEND A BOOK SIGNING IN WASHINGTON, DC.
YES, YOUR HONOR
I'M GONNA GRANT YOU THAT BAIL BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE A FAN OF THE STRIP.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
ONE THING, THOUGH. I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D DRAW ME A LITTLE SKETCH OF JEREMY.
JEREMY, YOUR HONOR?
THE MAIN CHARACTER.
I THINK THAT'S ZITS, YOUR HONOR. I DRAW `PEARLS BEFORE SWINE'.
IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE ELABORATE PUNS?
YES! THAT'S IT!
I SHOULD JUST NEVER TALK.
YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, STEPHAN.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SIGNING BOOKS IN AKRON SOON?
YES, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. I'VE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON.
OH, GEEZ... AND?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'AND'?
I'M WAITING FOR THE BAD NEWS.
MY BEING INCARCERATED IS VERY BAD NEWS!
SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE CHAMPAGNE CORKS POPPING!

HI, STEPHAN. IT'S YOUR MOTHER. WHERE ARE YOU?
IN DETROIT ON MY BOOK TOUR. BUT RIGHT NOW I'M DRAWING ON A BATHROOM WALL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
I DO IT IN ONE BAR IN EVERY TOWN I VISIT. PEOPLE LOVE IT. I'M FAMOUS! HA!
DROP THE PEN AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
DON'T CARE.
IT'S HARD TO DO A BOOK TOUR FROM PRISON.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? THEY DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO REALLY LISTEN TO EACH OTHER.
YEAH, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE--
WHOA WHOA WHOA.
LISTEN.
SO YOU JUST MEAN TO YOU.
THANKS. FEELS GOOD TO BE HEARD.

I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW BUT I'M AFRAID I WONT SUCCEED.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T?
I'LL BE A FAILURE.
AREN'T YOU ALREADY A FAILURE?
I AM!
THAT GUY ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

HI, STEPH, YOU STILL ON THE ROAD?
YEP, I'M HEADING TO CHICAGO NEXT. I'M GONNA GO TO THE BILLY GOAT TAVERN.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE PLACE THAT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE JOHN BELUSHI 'CHEESEBOURGER, CHEESEBOURGER' SKETCH ON 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.'
YOUR SILENCE IS MAKING ME FEEL ANCIENT.
COULD YOU MAYBE LIMIT YOUR REFERENCES TO THE LAST TWENTY YEARS?

HEY, PIG
JUST CALLING TO SEE HOW YOUR BOOK TOUR'S GOING. ARE YOU IN BROOKLYN YET?
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
YEAH, YOU MENTIONED ALL THE LOGISTICAL ISSUES-THE FLIGHT SCHEDULES, AUDIO/VISUAL STUFF, BOOK SHIPMENTS AND BOOKSTORE COORDINATION...WHAT'S NOT GOING RIGHT?
I CAN'T FIND THE HOTEL ROOM LIGHT SWITCH.
THE MAN WILL NOT SURVIVE.
CAN WE JUST PUT ALL HOTEL ROOM LIGHT SWITCHES IN THE SAME &%@#$ PLACE?!

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR, I KNOW I HAVE MANY CASES BEFORE YOU, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD INTEREST YOU IN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID VACATION?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
ALSO I NOTICE YOU HAVE A CASE -- MAY I PAY DOUBLE THE PRICE?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I PAY THE TUITION OF ANY OF YOUR KIDS OR FRIENDS OR RELATIVES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
HAVE YOU READ BOOK X, YOUR HONOR? COULD I BUY 50,000 COPIES FOR FRIENDS?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I GIVE YOU THIS MILLION DOLLARS?
A BRIBE? HOW DARE YOU!
AHHHH... WE HAD ETHICS AFTER ALL.
AND A NICE VACATION TO BOOT.
THE BRIBE SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH,
ARE YOU
ON YOUR
BOOK TOUR
YET?
YEP...DRIVING
TO DANVILLE,
CALIFORNIA..
THEN FLYING TO
BROOKLYN AND
CHICAGO.
OH, JUST SO YOU
KNOW, I PUT A
FEW PUZZLE
BOXES IN YOUR
SUITCASE.
WHAT
FOR?
SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO DURING THE BOOK
SIGNINGS.
PEOPLE DO
COME TO
MY BOOK
SIGNINGS!
THOSE ARE
CALLED
BOOKSTORE
EMPLOYEES.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND DEBBIE. SHE'S FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
OHH... SOUTH CAROLINA. IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR NORTH CAROLINA?
AWW, BLESS YOUR HEART.
SHE BLESSED ME!
WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM THAT'S SOUTHERN FOR DUMBA##?
I. WOULD. NEVER.

WHY DO THEY CALL MICHAEL JORDAN 'THE GOAT'?
IT STANDS FOR 'GREATEST OF ALL TIME'.
THAT'S WHAT 'GOAT' MEANS?
YEP.
I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS HEADED.
THE GOAT DOESN'T LIKE YOUR TONE.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST...WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M TIRED OF HOW US CYCLISTS ARE PORTRAYED IN THIS COMIC STRIP.
WE'RE FITNESS ENTHUSIASTS, NOT JACK-THE-RIPPER-TYPE PSYCHOS WHO SNEAK UP BEHIND PEOPLE AND KILL THEM.
OH, YOU COULD NEVER BE THAT.
THANK YOU.
BECAUSE AS YOU SNUCK UP, YOU'D SHOUT OUT 'ON YOUR LEFT.'
UN-THANK YOU.
OTHERWISE, I SEE SIMILARITIES.

OH, I SEE... AS FOR AN IMMIGRANT TO BECOME A CITIZEN AND BE ABLE TO VOTE, DO THEY HAVE TO TAKE A TEST?
YES, A CIVICS TEST.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GONNA HELP US CHOOSE OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS, YOU HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE.
DO THE ELECTED OFFICIALS NEED TO TAKE A TEST?
NO. THEY CAN BE TOTAL MORONS.
THE MORE I KNOW, THE LESS I UNDERSTAND.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO COME TO MY ALL-NIGHT POKER GAME TONIGHT?
CAN'T.
I HAVE TO WAIT BY THE PHONE.
WHAT FOR?
THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE NOTIFIES ALL NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS BY PHONE AT 2 A.M. TONIGHT.
I NEED FRIENDS WITH SMALLER EGOS.

WELL, I'M OFF ON MY BIG BOOK TOUR.
WHERE TO?
I START IN DANVILLE, CALIFORNIA, THEN BROOKLYN, CHICAGO, DETROIT, AKRON, WASHINGTON, DC, ORLANDO, ATLANTA, ST.LOUIS, MEMPHIS, NEW ORLEANS, HOUSTON, DENVER, PHOENIX, SAN DIEGO, SACRAMENTO, PORTLAND, AND SEATTLE.
WOW, WHAT DOES THAT INVOLVE?
WELL, I FLY TO EACH CITY AND SPEAK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE. THEN I MEET THEM AND SIGN THEIR BOOKS.
GEE, WHAT A HUGE OPERATION. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
YEAH, WELL. IT'S PRETTY INVOLVED, BUT SURE. ASK ME ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO MEET YOU?
FUNNY. MY FAMILY ASKED THE SAME THING.
WE SHOULD SUBMIT THAT TO 'UNSOLVED MYSTERIES'

YOU EVER THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE CHANGES TO YOUR PERSONALITY?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
WELL, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, PEOPLE TEND TO AVOID YOU.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO AVOID ME ARE THE ONES WHO'VE MET ME.
SO STAYING HOME IS KEY TO YOUR POPULARITY?
IT SURE HELPS.

HI...WHAT CAN I GET YOU!
I DON'T REALLY CARE...WHATEVER YOU RECOMMEND.
I HAVE A HUNDRED THINGS TO DO. NONE OF WHICH ARE TO GUESS WHAT A TOTAL STRANGER MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE...SO WHAT DO I RECOMMEND? I RECOMMEND YOU ORDER SOMETHING BEFORE I CLIMB OVER THIS COUNTER AND KICK YOU IN THE NOSE.
YOU MAY NOT BE A GOOD FIT IN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE INDUSTRY.
I AM. IT'S THE CUSTOMERS WHO AREN'T.

HELLO, BOSS. I HEAR THERE'S A LABOR SHORTAGE. SO I'VE COME TO REAPPLY FOR MY OLD JOB SO I CAN SERVE FINE COFFEE TO FINE PEOPLE.
THAT'S GREAT. WE NEED HELP.
TERRIFIC... SO NOW YOU PAY A LIVING WAGE AND BENEFITS?
DEFINITELY NOT.
GET YOUR OWN MACCHIATOS YOU FAT, ENTITLED SNOBS.
I DON'T INTERVIEW WELL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE ROLE OF THE MEDIA IN A DEMOCRACY
TO HOLD THE RICH AND POWERFUL ACCOUNTABLE.
AND WHAT IF THE RICH AND POWERFUL MAKE IT A POINT TO BUY UP ALL THAT MEDIA?
THIS IS WHY I DON'T GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

WELL, NEXT WEEK IS MY TENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
THAT'S GREAT, NEIGHBOR NANCY. WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF MARRIAGE?
HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SHARE YOUR BED.
WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF MARRIAGE?
HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SHARE YOUR BED.
I'M GUESSING SOMEONE SNORES.
I WANT TO HIT HIM WITH A HAMMER.

I MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES IN MY LIFE.
THAT'S OKAY, PIG... AS LONG AS YOU LEARN FROM THEM.
I DO.
I LEARN THAT I'M STUPID AND MAKE LOTS OF THEM.
I MEAN LEARN NOT TO MAKE THEM.
OH, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

*COUGH* *COUGH*
I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU HAVE IS FAIRLY SERIOUS.
I'M REALLY SORRY. YOU'RE OUT OF SICK DAYS AND I JUST CAN'T KEEP YOU.
YOUR RENT'S PAST DUE. I GOTTA KICK YOU OUT.
HEY, MAN, ANY CHANCE I CAN STAY WITH YOU?
SORRY, I'M IN A STUDIO APARTMENT THAT ALREADY HAS FOUR PEOPLE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'VE LIVED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?
DID YOU EAT A LOT OF GOOD ITALIAN FOOD?
I DID.
THEN CONGRATULATIONS. YOU LED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE.
LIFE IS EASIER THAN YOU'D THINK.