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I ORDERED A PIZZA FROM THAT NEW PLACE OPENED BY MY BUDDY, JESUS MARTINEZ, BUT NOW HE'S SAYING HE CAME TO DELIVER IT AND COULDN'T FIND OUR ADDRESS.
SHOULD WE JUST ORDER A PIZZA FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE?
NO.
JESUS WILL COME AGAIN.
I WISH YOU'D GO AWAY FOR GOOD.

ACCEPTING
OF OTHERS
OH, THANK GOODNESS... I'VE SEARCHED A LIFETIME FOR ACCEPTANCE...
ACCEPTANCE OF WHO I AM. WHAT I REPRESENT. WHAT I DO.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?
BURN STUFF DOWN.
FOOSH
I'M NOT GONNA ACCEPT SOME PEOPLE.

THESE SELF-DRIVING CARS TERRIFY ME. I DON'T WANT MY SAFETY HINGING ON A CAR DRIVEN BY A COMPUTER.
GOOD POINT.
BETTER TO HAVE IT HINGE ON A HUMAN CHECKING THEIR CELL PHONE.
MAYBE I'LL NEVER LEAVE HOME.
I'M SURE HUMANS CAN DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE.

Two stars.
Was expecting more.
WHAT ARE YOU REVIEWING?
MY LIFE SO FAR.
SADLY, NO ONE IS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.

I'LL JUST HAVE A GRILLED CHEESE AND A GLASS OF WATER.
DON'T FORGET, RAT... I'M GETTING THE CHECK THIS WEEK... YOU GOT IT LAST WEEK.
SIR, IF YOU CAN, I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THAT TO STEAK AND LOBSTER, THIS ALASKAN SALMON AT MARKET PRICE, AND ANY BOTTLE OF BRANDY YOU HAVE, PROVIDED IT'S FROM THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.
I FORGOT I HAD GRILLED CHEESE YESTERDAY.

MY GRANDFATHER FAILED
AT EVERYTHING. MY FATHER
FAILED AT EVERYTHING. I'VE
FAILED AT EVERYTHING.
SO THERE HAVE BEEN
SUCCEEDING GENERATIONS?
DO YOU NOT LISTEN TO
ANYTHING I SAY?
'SUCCEEDING'
CAN HAVE
DIFFERENT
MEANINGS.
DON'T TRY
TO MAKE
ME FEEL
BETTER.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO,
CARTOON BOY?
I'M DOING BOOK SIGNINGS IN
THESE THREE CITIES AND
I'M TRYING TO CALCULATE
HOW MANY BOOKS EACH STORE
SHOULD HAVE ON HAND.
HOW HARD IS IT TO CALCULATE ZERO?
THAT'S
NOT
HELPFUL.
IF THEY'RE
SMART, THEY'LL
LOCK THE
DOORS.

ONE QUESTION I ALWAYS
LIKE TO ASK DURING AN
INTERVIEW IS HOW YOU SEE
YOUR ROLE IN THE COMPANY.
I'M A FIX-IT GUY.
AFTER I LEAVE, YOU HAVE
TO FIX IT.
DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

A PEARLS MURDER MYSTERY
Mr. McDodo has been found dead just outside of the crime scene. Nearby to him is a knife, a gun, and a spear. Head officer glue figure out which of these is the murder weapon.
Judy Croody hated Mr. McDodo for his political beliefs, vowed to one day stab him.
He'll pay! DIE!!
Victor Vengeful, the gay hitman, swore to one day shoot Mr. McDodo with his Luger.
NO ONE CROSSES ME AND AMAZINGLY ESCAPES UNHARMED!
The reverend Spencer Random preaches at random people.
NO ONE EVER ESCAPES UNHARMED!
I've never seen such a difficult murder mystery in all my career.
HOW can you horrible... surely YOU know, Mr. McDodo's? The grisly answer lies in the next panel!
A murder mystery has to have a murderer.
Have you not seen the price of eggs?

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I HAD THE MOST AMAZING DREAM LAST NIGHT. BUT NOW I'M BACK TO REGULAR OLD REALITY.
WHY ARE YOU SO SURE THAT THAT PART'S THE DREAM AND THIS PART'S THE REALITY?
MY BRAIN JUST BROKE FOR THE DAY.

DON'T YOU HATE HOW SOME MINORITY GROUPS ARE GIVEN CERTAIN ADVANTAGES IN SOCIETY?
LIKE WHO?
SMART PEOPLE.
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING.
WE SHOULD START HOLDING THEM BACK.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES WORK?
GOOD. WE'RE THINKING ABOUT HIRING A GUY WITH A GREAT SKILL SET.
TEN YEARS AGO, PEOPLE JUST USED THE WORD "SKILLS." BUT NOW, PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE LIKE YOU, IN AN EFFORT TO LOOK SMART, SAY "SKILL SET" INSTEAD. THAT'S ANNOYING AND NOW I HAVE TO THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE THAT.

You ween lottery?
Son replied to text.
Parenting sound horrible.
We live for da leetle tings.

MAN, YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS :)
OH, YEAH, YOU MEAN WHERE EVERYTHING IS SPECTACULAR AND YOU JUST LOVE EVERY MOMENT :)
MAYBE ALL OPTIMISTS WERE ONCE DROPPED ON THEIR HEADS.
I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS! I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

WHICH OF THESE TWO CANDIDATES ARE YOU THINKING OF VOTING FOR?
THE GUY ON THE LEFT. MOST OF HIS POLICIES WOULD REALLY BENEFIT ME.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECT HIS POLICIES WILL HAVE ON OTHER PEOPLE? AFTER ALL, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
KABOOM
SOME IDEAS YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE TO HIM SLOWLY.

DR. ANGELOP'S OFFICE.
YEAH, I NEED TO MAKE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT FOR OCTOBER 6TH.
GREAT. SEE YOU THEN.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
HI, NEIGHBOR NANCY. COULD WE MAYBE MOVE OUR BLOCK PARTY TO OCTOBER 6TH
FINE WITH ME.
HEY, RAT, DID YOU SEE THIS "SAVE THE DATE" FOR MY COUSIN'S DESTINATION WEDDING IN BELGIUM? IT'S ON OCTOBER 6TH.
SHOOT.
WE CAN BE THERE.

YOU EAT TOO MUCH JUNK
FOOD. YOU SIT AROUND QUITE
A BIT. IT PROBABLY CONTRIB-
UTES TO YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
THAT MAY EXPLAIN WHY YOU
HAVE TROUBLE MEETING PEO-
PLE AND ARE SO LONELY, LEAD-
ING TO A GREAT DEAL OF
DEPRESSION.
NEIGHBOR NED IS A TAD BIT
NOSY.

OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!
WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
NO MATTER HOW BAD LIFE MAY SEEM, YOU CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE TO BE JOYOUS.
SURELY THAT’S NOT ALLOWED.

WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE A ROLLER COASTER- SO FILLED WITH UPS AND DOWNS?
BY 'DOWNS', YOU MEAN THE BAD PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
THEN IT'S A POOR ANALOGY, BECAUSE THE 'DOWN' SECTION OF A ROLLER COASTER IS ACTUALLY THE PART THAT IS THRILLING.
IT WOULD BE THRILLING TO HIT MY KNOW-IT-ALL FRIEND WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
A NICE MORNING CAN REALLY BE RUINED BY A WAFFLE IRON.
WHAT A ROLLER COASTER DAY YOU'VE HAD.

WE STILL GONNA ROB THE BANK ON MONDAY?
MONDAY? I THOUGHT IT WAS TUESDAY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF BOB WILL BE ABLE TO GET US THE GETAWAY CAR BY MONDAY.
I FORGOT ABOUT BOB. I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMIND HIM TO BRING A GUN.
WHEN YOU DO, CAN YOU ASK HIM WHERE THE BANK IS? I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
I CAN'T STAND DISORGANIZED CRIME.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS ARE MILLIONAIRES?
AROUND FIVE PERCENT.
AND THE SAME PERCENTAGE HOLDS TRUE FOR OUR PUBLIC SERVANTS IN CONGRESS?
MORE THAN HALF OF THEM ARE MILLIONAIRES.
OUR SERVANTS HAVE STOLEN THE KINGDOM.

Dear Powers-That-Be-in-the-Universe
PLEASE FIX ME.
By "fix," I mean make me better, and not what people have done to their dogs and cats.
SOMETIMES CLARITY IS IMPORTANT.

IF WE DON'T GET AHEAD OF THIS TECHNOLOGY, ALL OF LIFE COULD BE DRAMATICALLY DISRUPTED.
IT COULD LAUNCH NUCLEAR MISSILES.
IT COULD CAUSE PLANES TO FALL FROM THE SKY.
IT COULD STOP PEOPLE'S PACEMAKERS, MAKE ALL ELEVATORS FALL, OPEN ALL PRISON DOORS.
IT COULD CAUSE LIFE-THREATENING SHORTAGES OF FOOD, FUEL, AND MEDICAL SUPPLIES. ALL ASPECTS OF SOCIETY COULD BE AFFECTED.
THE LATEST WARNINGS ABOUT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?
WARNING FROM 1999 ABOUT Y2K.
MAYBE THE BIGGEST THREAT TO OUR WELL-BEING IS FEAR.
SHHH... THIS YEAR 2000 COULD DESTROY US ALL.

TODAY'S SPECIAL NUMBER:
5
Which is the number of times I've made coffee on my Keurig Machine...
And forgot to put a cup underneath.
THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NINE.

A Lifetime of Meditation
The first step in meditation is to clear your mind of all thoughts.
WAIT, IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IS MY MOTHER MAD AT ME? IS MY CAREER STUCK? AND SHOULD I DRINK MORE WATER? AND LESS COFFEE? AND IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IN NOVEMBER? AT THE JENKINS' PARTY? DID I PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING? DID THE SMITHS INVITE US TO THAT THING AND I MISSED IT? DID MY MOTHER HANG UP ON ME EARLIER BECAUSE SHE'S MAD? WHY CAN'T I ROLL MY 'R's'? AND WHAT IS THAT LUMP ANYWAY?? AND IS MY PINKY SUPPOSED TO TINGLE LIKE THAT? AND WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT $20 BILL? IS THIS THE BEST CUSHION FOR MY BACK? AND THAT TIME I WAS A KID AND TRIED TO TIE DRAPE CORD TO THE MONKEY BARS-
I CAN MEDITATE FOR HALF A SECOND.