Pearls Before Swine | Search

DANNY DONKEY WAS UNHAPPY WITH HIS LIFE.
I am unhappy.
My resolution for the New Year is to spend more time with people I don’t like…
Lemme guess…You buy the cheapest ties you can find.
NO.
Why bother with all the Christmas cookies? My neighbor keeps a key hidden in a fake rock!
Napping again? That lawn won’t mow itself!
Aunt Wilma Mr. Williams Jerry Sopor Betty Kantake Cliff Here Ron Shire Enrique Una Joe Fred Evan Nu
NANCY!!
DANNY DONKEY SPENT THE REST OF THE YEAR WITH HIS BOOKS IN A CLOSET.
THAT APPEALS FAR TOO MUCH TO ME.
DANNY DONKEY’S A GENIUS.
COULD I GET CHEESE DELIVERED?

HI. RESERVATION FOR 'HAHN.'
AH, OKAY. GIMME A SEC... IT'S MY FIRST DAY... YEAH HERE YOU ARE... 'HAHN,' PARTY OF ONE... WHICH MEANS YOU'RE...
'HAHN,' SOLO?
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN BE FIRED ON YOUR FIRST DAY?

HOW WAS THAT COMEDY SHOW LAST NIGHT?
OH. MY GOSH, I LITERALLY ALMOST DIED LAUGHING.
OH, MY GOODNESS. SO DID YOU HAVE TO CALL THE PARAMEDICS AND GET THEM TO RESTART YOUR HEART?
HUH? NO. I JUST LAUGHED REALLY HARD.
SO YOU MEANT FIGURATIVELY!!
I'LL END THAT HABIT YET.
I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT FIGURATIVELY MEANS.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, GOAT. I'M CLASSIFYING EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AS EITHER GOOD OR BAD.
BUT ISN'T THAT OUR PROBLEM THESE DAYS? WE FOOLISHLY SEE EVERYONE AS ALL GOOD OR ALL BAD, WHEN THE TRUTH IS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE MORE NUANCED.
GOOD
BAD
GOAT

HEY, GOAT, COULD YOU HELP ME EDIT THIS NEWSPAPER STORY I'M WRITING?
SURE.
The crocodile's sharp teeth tore into the helpless swimmer, severing two of his arms and a leg.
THE STORY'S GOOD, BUT I THINK I'D QUIBBLE WITH THE HEADLINE.
MAN SUFFERS BOO-BOO
TONE IS SO HARD.
TRY "BIG BAD BOO BOO."

HEY, PIG, SINCE WE'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE LIVING TOGETHER LATELY, I THINK WE NEED TO START SETTING BOUNDARIES.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
DON'T COME OVER THIS WALL.
GOOD THING I'VE GOT THE FRIDGE.

I
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY
HOPING ONE CAN WILL THESE THINGS INTO EXISTENCE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZEBRA?
MY TWITTER FEED. ALL THE ACCOUNTS I FOLLOW ARE SUSPENDED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
WHUH HAPPEN IS CROCS BUY TWEETER FROM MOODY BILLIONARE. BUT EES OKAY - WE IS FREE SPEECH ABSOLUTISTS.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE JOURNALISTS I FOLLOW?
DEY NOT SAY NICE TINGS ABOUT CROCS. DEY GONE.
SO YOU'RE JUST BANNING EVERYONE.
NO. ME BAN PEOPLE WHO NO PRAISE CROCS. DEY GUD.
BUT YOU SAID YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF FREE SPEECH. IN WHAT SENSE IS THAT FREE?
ME FREE TO KICK YOU RIGHT OFF.
MAYBE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU BANNED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
READING THIS BOOK ON GEOGRAPHY.
THAT'S GREAT... MOST PEOPLE NEVER BOTHER TO EDUCATE THEMSELVES ON STUFF LIKE THAT.
THANKS.
NOW WHERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU CAN FALL OFF THE EDGE?
WORLD'S ROUND, PIG.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT?

HEY, BARTENDER… GIMME ANOTHER BEER.
THAT'S YOUR FIFTH BEER AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRUNK AND ACTING FOOLISHLY. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GONNA HAPPEN IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER?
TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT.
NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
PREPARE FOR SMARTOSITY!

HEY, PAL,
YOU DON'T
RECYCLE?
WHOA WHOA WHOA,
BUDDY...
MY FRIEND
HERE RECYCLES.
HE
RECYCLES
HIS CANS?
CANS? I THOUGHT
YOU MEANT
TIRED OLD JOKES.
I DID MY BEST TO DEFEND YOU.

Making a plan for your future is the key to success.
Today I will eat a ham sandwich.
I THINK THEY MEAN FURTHER OUT.
After
I may belch.

DING DING DING DING
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?? I'M GETTING A MILLION TEXTS.
HAHAHA... YOU'RE PART OF THIS GROUP TEXT.
SMASH SMASH SMASH
IT WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THEY SAY IF YOU SMILE, YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SEEING IF IT WORKS IN REVERSE.
YOU'RE KINDA RUINING THIS.
YEP. ANGRIER THAN EVER.

You want to be what when you're older?
Dreams are great, but you have to be realistic.
Maybe there are easier paths.
No way, man.
Fat chance.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Nobody can stop you but you.
"The Adventures of Dream-Big Superpig."
A SUPERHERO MOVIE I'D ACTUALLY WATCH.

HEY, GOAT. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
HE'S A GRAMMAR PROFESSOR.
OH, YEAH? TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOUR FOCUS OF STUDY IS.
PAST PERFECT. FUTURE PERFECT.
SOME GUYS ARE JUST TOO ARROGANT.

WELL, I FINALLY HAVE A NOTEBOOK OF WITTY RETORTS I CAME UP WITH FOR WHEN SOMEONE INSULTS ME. I'M TIRED OF NEVER HAVING A CLEVER COMEBACK.
DUDE, HOW LAME CAN YOU BE?
SAME TO YOU.

Places I will go before I die:
1)
2)
3)
THOSE ARE SUCH FUN LISTS TO WRITE. THEN YOU CAN CHECK OFF EACH PLACE AS YOU VISIT THEM.
1) Doctors office
2) Hospital
3) Hospice care
YOU HAVE ODD REACTIONS TO THINGS.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO HAVE A GREAT TIME AT MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT!
I LIKE TO SAY SENTENCES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN UTTERED.

CORRUPTION
LIST OF PROBLEMS WITH OUR GOVERNMENT?
LIFE GOALS.
I'M GONNA SIT OVER THERE.
HEY. I DON'T KNOCK YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
IT'S THIS TEST ASKING HOW YOU WOULD FIX THE WORLD IF YOU COULD. BUT YOUR ANSWER HAS TO FIT ON ONE PIECE OF PAPER.
Less talk.
More cheese.
IT CAN BE BIGGER THAN A POSTAGE STAMP.
DON'T NEED IT.

NO MORE BEING LAZY. I'M GONNA START WORKING OUT AND LOSING WEIGHT.
5 STEPS… 10… 15…
8 JUMPING JACKS… 9… 10… 11… 12… 13…
15 PUSH-UPS… 16… 17… 18… 19… 20…
PHEW! LET'S SEE HOW MANY CALORIES I BURNED. 200! YES!
I DESERVE A SMOOTHIE TO CELEBRATE.
SLLLOOOOOUUURRPP…
SMOOTHIE
CALORIES: 1,050
LIFE IS BEST LIVED LIKE A SLUG.

OH, GREAT! NICE ASS. NEIGHBOR BOB HAS A BIGGER HOUSE THAN
ME, A NICER CAR THAN ME, AND MORE MONEY THAN ME.
YES, I KNOW. HE WAS JUST HERE.
WHAT FOR?
SOME GUY HAS A BIGGER PLANE THAN HIM.
WE’RE ALL DOOMED.

WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH BEER?
BECAUSE BEER IS TO DUMB GUYS WHAT BOOKS ARE TO SMART ONES -- JUST HAVING A LOT OF THEM MAKES YOU FEEL A WHOLE LOT SMARTER.
I READ MY BOOKS.
I DRINK MY BEERS.

YEAH, FRED, WE CAN EITHER FIX IT TODAY OR FRIDAY. CALL ME. 555-1212.
HELLO?
THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR CONVERSATION!
GRATITUDE IS SO IMPORTANT.