Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, RAT, IN ORDER TO HAVE AN EDUCATED AND INFORMED STAFF, I'M GONNA START GIVING YOU A WORD OF THE DAY THAT I'LL PICK RANDOMLY FROM THE DICTIONARY.
LET'S SEE... TODAY'S WORD IS...
ERGOPHOBIA',
THE DEFINITION OF WHICH IS, UH... 'FEAR OF WORKING.'
HE WENT HOME ON DISABILITY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE WORLD'S HARDEST PROFESSION? SOLDIER? BRAIN SURGEON? COP?
BARBER.
EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY, YOUR WORK IS BEING UNDONE.
NOT THE ANSWER I WAS EXPECTING.
IT'S A TORTURED EXISTENCE.

I MISSED MY FITNESS CLASS AGAIN TODAY.
WELL, WHEN IT COMES TO FITNESS, IT'S BETTER IF YOU SET A GOAL.
Tomorrow I will miss my fitness class.
I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT HELPS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M GOING AROUND REMINDING PEOPLE THAT A LOT OF THE THINGS THEY DON'T LIKE CAN BE FIXED IF WE AMEND THE CONSTITUTION.
YEAH, LIKE CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM AND TERM LIMITS AND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE?
BANNING SPEAKING UNTIL I'VE HAD MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
IT SEEMS PEOPLE HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES.

HOW TO COPE WITH WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD
$5
HOW TO COPE WITH WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD
$5
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HOPE IT ALL GOES AWAY.
I MAY NEED HELP HOME.

HEY, STEPH... DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS IN YOUR CAREER? LIKE STRIPS YOU'D CHANGE IF YOU COULD TURN BACK THE CLOCK?
STRIPS? NO. BUT IVE ALWAYS SPENT SO MUCH TIME DRAWING THAT I DON'T THINK I'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME WITH MY KIDS.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW... JUST LIKE PLAY BALL.
OR JUST TALK TO THEM ABOUT SCARY MONSTERS WHILE TAKING TIME TO GET ICE CREAM.
OR MAYBE BUILD THEM A PILLOW FORT!
WELL, DO IT NOW! DO IT NOW!
HEY, DAD, I'M DRIVING TOM TO THE BAR FOR TRIVIA NIGHT. DON'T WAIT UP.
SOME CHOICES YOU CAN'T TURN BACK.
BRING ME BACK A BEER!

DO YOU CARE IF OTHER PEOPLE THINK POORLY OF YOU?
NOPE. THEY CAN THINK WHATEVER THEY WANT.
BUT IF THEY EXPRESS IT, I'LL PUNCH 'EM IN THE HEAD.
THAT WAS ALMOST MATURE.
WE ALL HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE A NEWS STORY?
FACTS GATHERED BY A REPORTER WHO TALKS TO WITNESSES AND CROSS-CHECKS SOURCES BEFORE HAVING IT ALL REVIEWED BY A SEASONED EDITOR WHO HAS THE ENTIRE STORY FACT-CHECKED.
AND NOW YOU CAN JUST HAVE A HUNCH.
THEN TAP. TAP. TAP.
AND BOOM - YOU POST IT.
ISN'T PROGRESS AMAZING?
OH, IT'S AMAZING.
HEY, YOU HAVE 56,000 RETWEETS!

HEY, WANT TO GO WITH ME TO A PARTY AT PAUL'S HOUSE?
NO CAN DO. PAUL OVERCHARGED ME ON A USED COUCH ABOUT A DECADE AGO.
WHAT DO YOU DO - KEEP A MENTAL LIST OF EVERYONE WHO'S WRONGED YOU?
TOO MUCH TO REMEMBER.

HEY, FANNY THE FORTUNE-TELLER, CAN I GET MY FORTUNE TOLD?
SURE PIG.
DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS FIRST OR THE BAD?
I GUESS THE BAD.
OKAY UH LET'S SEE...
OH GOD.
NOOOOO
OH, WHAT A TRAGEDY!! HE WAS SO YOUNG! OHHH, POOR PIG!!
AND WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

MORNING, GOAT. HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD DAY.
UH. SINCE WHEN ARE YOU NICE IN THE MORNING?
I GOT A LETTER FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
Dear Sir,
You have exceeded
your pain-in-the-@##
quotient in this life and
now must be kind.
I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
MY LAWYERS ARE APPEALING.

Work Goals
'WORK GOALS'... SMART... HELPS TO KEEP YOUR CAREER ON TRACK. WHICH WORK GOALS DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Not have to do any.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE OTHER GOALS.

HELP ME, GREAT WISE ASS.
TO DO WHAT?
TO NOT BE SO AFRAID. I SPEND EVERY MOMENT IN FEAR OF EVERYTHING.
TO WHAT END?
TO BE SAFE.
TO DO WHAT?
TO LIVE LONGER.
TO LIVE LONGER WHY?
TO HAVE MORE YEARS ON THIS EARTH!
TO SPEND MORE TIME AFRAID?
FEAR IS STUPID.

LOOKS LIKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS REALLY GETTING BETTER.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT REGULAR INTELLIGENCE? :)
I THINK THAT'S STUCK WHERE IT IS.
SCIENTISTS NEED TO PRIORITIZE.

HAPPY BLOOMSDAY!
WHAT’S THAT?
IT’S A DAY WE CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF THE WRITER JAMES JOYCE, WHOSE NOVEL “ULYSSES” TOOK PLACE ON JUNE 16.
BECAUSE IF THERE’S ONE THING WE SHOULD CELEBRATE, IT’S A BOOK THAT’S 265,000 WORDS LONG THAT NOT ONE PERSON ON EARTH UNDERSTANDS.
I SENSE SARCASM.
AND TOMORROW IS “MY RIGHT FOOT DAY”, WHICH I CELEBRATE BY KICKING ALL BOOK SNOBS RIGHT IN THEIR ARROGANT--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?

FILLING OUT THIS PER-
SONALITY QUESTIONNAIRE.
IT'S ASKING WHAT KIND
OF THINGS MAKE ME
HAPPY.

WELL, NOTHING "MAKES" US
HAPPY. THINGS HAPPEN AS
THEY WILL AND WE CHOOSE
HOW TO REACT. BECAUSE WHILE
EVENTS ARE NOT IN OUR CON-
TROL, OUR REACTION TO THEM IS.

I'LL JUST SAY CHOCOLATE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HANDING OUT FREE BOOKS TO WHOMEVER WANTS ONE.
WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO SHARE THE JOY OF BOOK- READING?
BECAUSE EVERY PROBLEM I'VE EVER HAD HAS BEEN CAUSED BY AN IDIOT.
SOMEHOW EVEN YOUR GOOD DEEDS SOUND BAD.
READ, MORON, READ!

A GRAND IDEA TO IMPROVE THE WORLD:
Everybody but me should change.
AS THE IDEA GUY, I DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I FAILED AT SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... FAILURE MAKES YOU STRONGER.
ME IF THAT WAS TRUE.
IT IS KIND OF A STUPID EXPRESSION.
I'M AS WEAK AS EVER.

THE KEY, REALLY, IS TO JUST ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO BE THEMSELVES.
Being yourself is essential to personal happiness.
LISTEN, FRED, YOU JUST GOTTA BE YOURSELF.
SPIRITUAL RETREAT 'LEARNING TO BE YOURSELF'
THE PROBLEM IN THE WORLD IS NOT THAT PEOPLE AREN'T BEING THEMSELVES! IT'S THAT THEY ARE BEING THEMSELVES!
SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.
YOU SHOULD BE SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
A MAYFLY. HE WAS JUST BORN, BUT MAYFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR HOURS.
MIDLIFE CRISIS! MIDLIFE CRISIS!
ACK
IT GOES FAST.

THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN! THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Le
Gal.
SHE WRITES A LOT.
LEGAL. YOU’RE BEING SUED.
THIS WILL HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... I'M DOING A POLL OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AS A NEIGHBOR.
TERRIBLE. MAYBE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. A REAL @%&*@%.
GREAT, SO I'LL PUT YOU DOWN AS 'UNDECIDED.'
POLLING IS A REAL ART.

1. Kindness is key.
2. Amass experiences, not things.
3. Follow your instincts.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IN HONOR OF MY REACHING MIDDLE AGE, I'M WRITING DOWN EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED SO FAR IN LIFE. YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
I like Mexican food.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'M SURE OF.

DO YOU THINK NEIGHBOR BOB IS A NICE GUY OR MORE OF AN @$$?
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT IS NOT A WORD YOU CAN SAY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU THINK HE'S MORE OF A NICE GUY OR MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
MORASS. JUDGING OTHERS IS ONE BIG MORASS.
I HATE MY JOB.
MORASS. CENSORSHIP IS ONE BIG MORASS.