Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE HAD SO MUCH CHANGE IN MY PERSONAL LIFE OVER THE PAST COUPLE YEARS. IT'S SO UNSETTLING.
SO TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, I'M GONNA GO FIND SOME OF MY OLD RELIABLE HAUNTS... A LITTLE DUNKIN' DONUTS AND DAIRY QUEEN AND KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND MAYBE EVEN TOYS 'R' US!
DUNKIN' DONUTS IS NOW ''DUNKIN'. DAIRY QUEEN IS NOW ''DQ.'' KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN IS ''KFC.'' AND TOYS 'R' US CLOSED ALL ITS STORES.
LIFE IS TERRIFYING.

HEY, RAT, THANKS FOR MEETING ME AT THIS COFFEE SHOP. HANG ON, I JUST HAVE TO ORDER.
I'LL HAVE A GRANDE FRAPPUCCINO WITH SIX PUMPS OF CARAMEL, EXTRA ICE, HEAVY CREAM AND--
OHH. I'M SORRY.
FOR WHAT?
I CAN'T ASSOCIATE WITH ANYONE WHO NEEDS MORE THAN FOUR WORDS TO ORDER COFFEE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DRAW A LINE.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK BAD THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON?
YES.
THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, PIG?
GONNA POST A LITTLE SOMETHING ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS.
I DON’T KNOW WHY SO MANY PEOPLE BRAG ABOUT THESE COMPANIES. YOU GET AN ACCOUNT ENTIRELY FOR FREE WHERE YOU CAN REACH YOUR FRIENDS AND PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS! ALL FOR NOTHING!
OOPS... HANG ON A SEC... HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH MY ACCOUNTS... OH THAT’S OKAY, I’LL JUST GIVE THEM A CALL... WAIT A MINUTE... I DON’T SEE A PHONE NUMBER.
IS THERE AN EMAIL I CAN WRITE TO?... MAYBE A CHAT SUPPORT INDIVIDUAL? NOPE... SURELY THERE’S A PHYSICAL MAILING ADDRESS... WAIT. THERE ISN’T ONE...
HOW ARE SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES THE LEAST SOCIAL OF ALL OUR COMPANIES?
THERE ARE MISSING PERSONS THAT ARE EASIER TO FIND.
SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE THESE NERDS HIDING?

HEY, DON. RAT SAYS YOU'RE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
YEAH, I'M A PRODUCER.
WHAT'S A PRODUCER DO?
PRODUCERS ARE LIKE BLACK HOLES. WE KNOW THEY'RE OUT THERE, BUT THE REST IS A MYSTERY.
SOUNDS INTRIGUING.
EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO.

DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNMENT SPIES ON EACH OF US?
NO. BECAUSE LOGISTICALLY, IT WOULD BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PUT A CAMERA AND MICROPHONE ON EACH OF US.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DISTRUST MY PHONE MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.
THAT WAS GOAT SAYING THAT!

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
YOU'RE BORN. YOU STUFF YOUR FACE WITH PASTA. YOU DIE.
IT DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO LIFE?
BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR FAILURES.
THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL. IF YOU GO THROUGH YOUR DAYS THINKING LIKE THAT, YOU'LL NEVER SUCCEED.
HE JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HEALTH ISSUES?
NOPE. NONE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE NO DOCTOR'S TOLD ME I HAVE ISSUES.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE THEM?
I DON'T.
YOUR LOGIC LACKS LOGIC.
GOOD TO KEEP THOSE GUYS IN THE DARK.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M THINKING OF TRYING THIS NEW THING, BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF NOT DOING IT WELL.
REMEMBER, MY SON, IN LIFE, YOU MISS A HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE.
OH, GREAT. SO I FAIL EVEN WHEN I'M NOT TRYING.
HE IS SO DISCOURAGING.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO ANGRY AT ME?
BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A BIG DEAL IS?! WHEN YOU DECIDED TO-
One of one hundred billion planets in our galaxy. Which is just one of two hundred billion galaxies. Not a big deal.
The 'P' ON YOUR CHEST IS FOR PIG?!
PERSPECTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP ON THE ROOF, RAT?
NEIGHBOR BOB’S BEEN ANNOYING ME, SO I’M GONNA DROP THIS SACK OF POTATOES I’M HOLDING ON HIS HEAD.
C'MON, RAT, LET IT GO.
THWACK
OHH, GAWD!!
YOU GIVE GREAT ADVICE.

I JUST HAD THE WORST EXPERIENCE ON A FLIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE PILOT SAID THERE'D BE TURBULENCE AHEAD.
THAT HAPPENS WITH PLANES.
HE SAID IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.
THAT'S ODDLY SPECIFIC.
STRANGELY, HE WASN'T WRONG.

IT'S SO HARD TO DECIDE ON ONE PHILO-
SOPHICAL SCHOOL OF THOUGHT TO LIVE
YOUR LIFE BY... YOU'VE GOT YOUR
STOICISM, HEDONISM, RATIONALISM,
NIHILISM, EXISTENTIALISM...
DO ONE KIND THING A DAY FOR
SOMEONE ELSE.
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU WASTED FOUR
YEARS IN GRAD SCHOOL?

WELL, GUYS, LEMMINGS, I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOSE HOPE, BUT THE CLIMATE IS GETTING WARMER EVEN FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT, AND I'M AFRAID THAT RIGHT NOW, WE DON'T HAVE MANY ANSWERS.
IT'S HARD TO GIVE BAD NEWS TO LEMMINGS.

CONGRATS. THOUGH YOU HAD VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH IT, YOU MANAGED TO REMAIN BREATHING AND ABOVE DIRT FOR ANOTHER 365 DAYS.
JUST REMEMBER, THE DIRT WILL CLAIM YOU YET.
CAN'T HE JUST SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
HE HAS HIS OWN WAY.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO COPE WITH FAILURE IN LIFE?
NEVER HAVE ANY SUCCESS TO COMPARE IT TO.
I'M COPING QUITE WELL.

I'M HAAAATCHING YOU.
AS I HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
BECAUSE I'M YOU.
SO I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LACK OF SELF-CONTROL.
AND THE BAD STUFF YOU'VE DONE.
WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE SO PLAGUED BY GUILT.
UGH. WHAT A LIFE.
I DON'T THINK 'SELF ON THE SHELF' WILL CATCH ON.
HANG ON. NOW HE REPORTS ALL THIS TO YOUR PARENTS.

LOOK AT ME! I'M EATING MY SECOND BIG BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
PIG, CAN I BE FRANK WITH YOU?
SING 'FLY ME TO THE MOON' AND LET'S SEE.
MAYBE I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD FRANK.

I JUST HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE OUTDOOR EXPERIENCE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK.
YEAH, I HEAR IT'S REALLY PRETTY.
YEAH, IT'S AMAZING TO BE SO UP CLOSE TO NATURE...THE LAKES, ANIMALS, MOUNTAINS. IT'S SO SPIRITUAL AND LIFE-CHANGING.
WHAT DID YOU DO THERE?
I DROVE THROUGH IT IN A CAR.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S QUITE UP CLOSE.
THANK GOD I HAD MY HEATED CAR-SEATS AND CHETOS.

THE WISE ASS MAN ON THE HILL
OH GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR HOW WE END UP IN LIFE?
WHEN YOU DIE, IT'S QUICK AND IT'S PAINLESS.
LIFE IS AN OKAY MOVIE WITH A VERY POOR ENDING.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING--A CHRYSALIS?
IT CAN'T BE. THERE ARE NO CATERPILLARS THAT BIG.
I'M TRYING TO BECOME A BUTTERFLY.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.
THIS SEEMED EASIER.

CAN I HELP YOU?
Hullo. We is wid group trying end world hunger. Our group called UNICEF.
UNICEF... I'VE HEARD OF THAT. WHAT'S IT STAND FOR?
Uh...
U Not Important. Crocs Eet Face.
Mebbe next time no ad lib, Bob.

HEY, GOAT, WANNA COME CELEBRATE WITH ME?
SURE. WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING?
JUST GETTING THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.
ONE NEEDS TO SAVOR LIFE'S TRIUMPHS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

HELLO, GOOD CITIZEN, I'M SAM THE FLAG AND I'M RUNNING TO REPRESENT YOU AS YOUR SENATOR. IN THIS ROLE, I'LL WORK TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE THE ENVY OF ALL THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, IN ORDER TO RUN, I HAVE TO TAKE PRACTICALLY UNLIMITED SUMS OF CASH FROM VARIOUS SUPER PACS REPRESENTING ALL SORTS OF PRETTY MUCH ANYONE YOU CAN THINK OF.

SO NATURALLY, MY TOP PRIORITY WILL HAVE TO BE REPRESENTING THEM. I MEAN, I COULD PRIORITIZE YOU A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEN I LOSE THEM AND IF I LOSE THEIR SUPPORT, THEN THEIR MONEY, THEN MY POWER, AND I LOVE POWER.

BUT TO MAKE ALL THIS HAPPEN, I TECHNICALLY NEED YOUR SUPPORT, SO YADA YADA YADA BLAH BLAH VOTE FOR ME. I PROMISE TO FIGHT FOR YOU, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

SLAM

SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THEIR PART IN A DEMOCRACY.