Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE SINGLE BEST WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT?
WELL, IF I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE, I GUESS IT'S EATING LESS.
WHAT'S THE SECOND BEST WAY?
REGULAR EXERCISE.
WHAT'S THE THIRTY-FIRST BEST WAY?
HOW FAR DOWN THE LIST DO WE NEED TO GO?
'TIL WE GET TO THE COUCH-SITTING ONE.

WELL, RAT, I DID OUR CHECKBOOK AND WE'RE FLAT BROKE.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
SPEND MONEY WE DON'T HAVE!
FRUGALITY'S FOR SUCKERS.

HEY. IT'S NEIGHBOR BOB'S SON.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
WELL, I STUDIED REALLY HARD. GOT GOOD GRADES. WENT TO A GREAT COLLEGE. AND JUST GRADUATED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. NOW YOU CAN GET A JOB. BUY YOURSELF A HOUSE AND CAR. AND MAYBE START A FAMILY.
I'M $3500000 IN DEBT,
AND EVEN IF I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY, I STILL OWE IT.
EXPLAIN COLLEGE AGAIN.

HEY, PATTY POSSUM. WE'RE HAVING A BIG BAKE SALE TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE SCHOOL. WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU COULD HELP.
I HATE WHEN SHE PLAYS DEAD.

IN A MOMENT OF GREAT SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT, I'VE FINALLY STOPPED JUDGING OTHERS.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT WAS THE KEY?
ACCEPTING THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS A MORON AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I THINK THAT'S STILL JUDGING.
PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY PROGRESS.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS.
RATHER THAN GIVE YOU THE NEWS TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT WE'D JUST JUMP TO THE PART AT THE END WHERE YOU SAY, 'OH, GOD. HOW MUCH WORSE CAN THINGS GET?'
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
WHAT A TIME SAVER THAT WAS.

HEY, GOOD MORNING, GUYS.
CAN THERE BE WORK/LIFE BALANCE IF THEY'RE SEPARATED BY JUST TWO FEET?
IT'S THREE FEET. THANKS.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE COMIC THE FAR SIDE?
OF COURSE I DO. IT WAS MY FAVORITE.
WELL, I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT OUR STRIP TODAY IS JUST AS FUNNY AS THE FAR SIDE USED TO BE.
OH, WOW. IT'D BE AN HONOR TO BE IN A STRIP THAT GOOD.
APRIL FOOL'S!
I WISH THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING AT THIS FOOD PYRAMID I HAD TO MAKE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU MAINTAIN A HEALTHY, BALANCED DIET.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
MIGHT NOT BE ACCURATE.
YEAH, LEFT OFF SWISS.

THUD
THUD
THUD
THUD
Rat, it's almost midnight. What are you doing?
Running in place. I have to get in my 10,000 steps for the day.
What happens if you don't?
All of life falls apart and society devolves into chaos.
Now I feel bad for interrupting.

Hullo zeeba neighba. Crocs want know if you want rent room we has on Airbeebee.
YOU HAVE A REVIEW FROM AN ANTELOPE SAYING YOU ATE HIS COUSIN. GOOD HOSTS AT LEAST RESPOND TO REVIEWS LIKE THAT.
We is resp-ond. Check site.
"YUM" IS NOT A RESPONSE.
Gee. Whuh you want from us?

Hullo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Crocs offer nice room for rent on Airbeebee... You is want?
Sure, lemme just check your reviews online first... Oh, look, you have a ZERO RATING AND ONE REVIEW... "HOST ATE MY COUSIN!"
Internet is terrible place.

HOW GOES IT, NEIGHBOR JIM?
GOOD. I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE KEY TO LIFE IS SETTING BIG GOALS AND ACHIEVING THEM. PERSONALLY. PROFESSIONALLY. ACADEMICALLY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT ALL I NEED IS MY DOG.
THOSE POOR ACHIEVERS.

WAVE
WAVE
WAVE
WAVE
WAVE
The
PLEASE
MAKE
EVERYTHING
BETTER
WAND
*CLICK*
LEADING OFF THE NEWS TODAY,
ANOTHER MASS SHOOTING...

HEY, GOAT, ARE YOU STILL DATING THAT GIRL?
WE BROKE UP.
WHAT FOR?? I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE HAS A BOOK LOVER LIKE YOU.
SHE ORGANIZES HER BOOKS BY THE COLOR OF THEIR COVERS.
WHAT A HORRIBLE BEING.
WE CAN'T EVEN BE FRIENDS.

DO YOU EVER GET LONELY?
LONELY? I'M THE BEST COMPANY A PERSON CAN HAVE.
AND I GET ME ALL TO MYSELF.
THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
NOW YOU I CAN SEE BEING LONELY.

HOW DO YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO SEEM SO HAPPY, PIG?
I GET IN ALL MY WORRYING LATE AT NIGHT WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING!

I NOTICED THAT THE DRAMATIC HEADLINES YOU TWEET ARE WILD EXAGGERATIONS OF WHAT'S IN THE ACTUAL NEWS ARTICLES ON YOUR ONLINE NEWS SITE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I CLICK ON THE LINK AND LOOK.
RAT'S NEWS
ALL THE TRUTH
YOU NEED
I DON'T LIKE THIS ERA IN NEWS.

ARE YOU A BIG READER?
YEAH, I LOVE BOOKS ON TAPE.
WHICH ONES?
MASKING. DUCT. ELECTRICAL.
YOUR JOKES RUIN MY DAY.
BUT THEY DO STICK WITH YOU.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I PRAY MY PHONE,
IT DOES NOT BEEP.
I CAN'T TAKE MORE BAD NEWS TODAY,
PLEASE MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY.
THE 'PHONE IS DRIVING ME NUTTERS' PRAYER.
I'M WRITING IT DOWN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR JOE... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. RODE MY BICYCLE ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.
OH, YEAH... I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED EXERCISE.
I DON'T. IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOTORIZED BIKES. YOU JUST GET ON 'EM AND GO.
IS THAT SO?
YEP. NO PEDALIN'. NO SWEAT. BUT WHAT THE HECK... CYCLING IS CYCLING.
THAT IS NOT CYCLING.
CYCLISTS CAN BE TOUCHY ABOUT TERMS.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE TOUCHY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS…WHAT IS AN OPTIMIST?
SOMEONE WHO IS HOPEFUL ABOUT THE FUTURE.
THEN WHAT IS A PESSIMIST?
AN OPTIMIST WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT.
HE'S AN OPTIMIST ABOUT PESSIMISTS.

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA LISTENING TO?
THIS ADELE SONG.
YOU LISTEN TO ADELE?
YEAH. I LIKE WHAT I LIKE AND DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS.
IS THAT ALLOWED?

IT'S SO DEPRESSING TO SEE ALL THIS STUFF THAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
There's a lot of good out there too.
NOTEMAN LIFTS THE SPIRITS OF NEWS-WATCHERS.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, JOE. HE GIVES MOTIVATIONAL SEMINARS.
HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE?
A THOUSAND BUCKS.
WHAT HAVE YOU ACHIEVED IN YOUR OWN LIFE TO JUSTIFY GETTING A THOUSAND BUCKS?
GOTTEN PEOPLE TO GIVE ME A THOUSAND BUCKS.
I'VE FOUND MY CALLING.