Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU THINK NEIGHBOR BOB IS A NICE GUY OR MORE OF AN @$$?
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT IS NOT A WORD YOU CAN SAY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU THINK HE'S MORE OF A NICE GUY OR MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
MORASS. JUDGING OTHERS IS ONE BIG MORASS.
I HATE MY JOB.
MORASS. CENSORSHIP IS ONE BIG MORASS.

MY PROBLEMS TODAY:
1) Bills overdue.
2) Angry neighbor.
3) Broken washing machine.
HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S ALL THAT?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP IF YOU LIST OUT YOUR DAILY PROBLEMS.
MY PROBLEMS TODAY
None I can't overcome.
THERE'S A REASON WE HATE OPTIMISTS.

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From: Acme Products
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take weeks
to process.
Which emails do
you no longer
wish to receive?
ALL OF THEM!
SAVES
A LOT OF
TIME.
So that’s
how you
stop those
emails.

I'VE DECIDED TO STOP SUGGESTING TO IDIOTS HOW THEY SHOULD LIVE THEIR LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU DO INSTEAD?
NOW I JUST ORDER THEM.
WONDERFUL.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS WORLD.

DAILY DISCIPLINE
PROGRESS
ACHIEVEMENTS
HAPPINESS
WHAT'S ALL THAT, GOAT?
IT'S CALLED A HAPPINESS DIAGRAM. YOU LITERALLY CHART YOUR PERSONAL MAP TO ACHIEVING HAPPINESS.
Beer -> Happy
YOU'VE MADE THINGS MUCH TOO HARD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
INVISIBILITY.
WHY IS THAT?
PEOPLE CAN'T HURT WHAT THEY CAN'T SEE.
MY LIFE JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

DID YOU KNOW THAT KIDS BOOK PUBLISHERS ARE NOW GOING THROUGH CLASSIC BOOKS AND ELIMINATING WORDS LIKE 'NUTS' AND 'PLUMP' AND 'STUPID'?
GREAT, SO THEN FUTURE EDITORS CAN CHANGE WHAT THEY WANT TO CHANGE, AND THE NEXT EDITORS CAN MAKE MORE CHANGES, AND SOON WE'LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT OF THE AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL VISION.
YAAAAAAY!
YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE DETECTING SARCASM.
YOU LOST ME AT 'AUTHOR.'

HEY, STEPH, WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND WANTED TO WATCH SOME GREAT SPORTS HIGHLIGHT OVER AND OVER, HOW WOULD YOU DO IT?
WELL, THERE WAS THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.
YEAH, BUT I MEAN AFTER THAT.
AFTER THAT, IT WAS PRETTY MUCH GONE FOREVER.
MOST DEPRESSING CHILDHOOD EVER?
HAS TO BE.
I LIKED MY CHILDHOOD!

DO YOU THINK LIFE IS A BALANCE OF SUCCESSES AND FAILURES?
OF COURSE. IT'S THAT WAY FOR EVERYONE.
I MUST FINISH REALLY STRONG.

HEY, SAM... YOUR DAD SAYS YOU GOT A GREAT JOB RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE! CONGRATS! HOW'S IT GOING?
IT WAS GOOD.
WHADDYA MEAN, "WAS"?
I QUIT.
QUIT? WHY?
I MADE A LITTLE MONEY, SO NOW I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MYSELF FOR A WHILE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
OH, I DON'T LIVE FOR MY CAREER. THAT WAS YOUR GENERATION. I LIVE TO ENJOY MY LIFE. TO BE IN THE MOMENT. TO EXPERIENCE THINGS.
SHOULD WE MOCK HIM OR REGRET OUR LIVES?
MOCK. IT HURTS LESS.
FLAKY, LIFE-ENJOYING WEIRDO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TURNING ON THE "HEY, MORON, GET THE @#$* OUT OF MY FACE" FEATURE ON MY iPHONE.
YOU MEAN "DO NOT DISTURB."
I UPGRADED.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
THIS PAPER FOR MY PHILOSOPHY CLASS WHERE WE HAVE TO DISCUSS THE PURPOSE OF BEING ALIVE. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
I THINK THE PURPOSE IS TO LOVE OTHERS, AS WE ARE ALL PART OF ONE RHYTHMIC ENERGY THAT WE CONNECT TO BY BEING FULLY MINDFUL AND PRESENT.
I'LL JUST WRITE 'DONUTS'.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
TO LIVE AND TO LEARN.
WILL THERE BE A GRADE?
NO GRADE.
IS IT PASS/NO PASS?
IN THE END, WE ALL PASS.
LIFE IS EASIER THAN YOU THINK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M HAVING A TERRIBLE DAY.
YEAH, WHEN I'M FEELING LIKE THAT, I LIKE TO DO A LITTLE YOGA OR MEDITATION OR GO FOR A LONG WALK. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
I TEAR DOWN OTHERS ONLINE.
I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET.

A MAGIC GENIE!
A MAGIC GENIE!
CAN I HAVE MY THREE WISHES, MAGIC GENIE?
SORRY, KID. WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, WE'VE GOT TOO MANY PEOPLE WISHING FOR TOO MANY THINGS.
IT'S SAD WHEN WE BURN OUT THE GENIES.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SIR. WILL YOU BE PAYING WITH CASH OR CREDIT CARD?
CREDIT CARD.
GREAT. JUST FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS ON THE SCREEN.
Tip 20%
Tip 25%
Tip 30%
Give nothing and risk looking like a cheap idiot that everyone hates.
I NEED TO START PAYING WITH CASH.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SIR.
THANK YOU. MA'AM... AND JUST TO SPREAD SOME GOOD KARMA, LET ME PAY FOR WHOEVER THE GUY BEHIND ME ORDERS.
HERE YOU GO, SIR. PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
I SAVED FOUR BUCKS! I SAVED FOUR BUCKS!
KARMA HAS ITS LIMITS.
IN YOUR FACE, PAYING CUSTOMERS!

I HAVE A NEW TEST FOR WHETHER OR NOT I TWEET SOMETHING.
WHAT'S THAT?
I ASK - IS IT INSPIRED BY LOVE? LOVE OF OTHERS, LOVE OF COMMUNITY, LOVE OF THE PLANET.
IF IT IS, I DON'T TWEET IT.
WE ALL HAVE TO HAVE STANDARDS.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I JUST REALIZED THAT IF GLOBAL WARMING REALLY IS GONNA MAKE THE PLANET UNLIVABLE, DOES IT REALLY MATTER IF WE NO LONGER HAVE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY?
IT DOES NOT!
I TAKE COMFORT IN THE LITTLE THINGS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
THE ANARCHY SYMBOL. I'M A PROPONENT OF ANARCHY.
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
FUN, HUH?
I NEED TO RETHINK THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? IT'S "I GET THE WORLD ALL TO MYSELF WEDNESDAY."
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?
"I GET THE WORLD ALL TO MYSELF" WEDNESDAY.
ONE SHOULD NEVER DISTURB THE SANCTITY OF "I GET THE WORLD ALL TO MYSELF WEDNESDAY."

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU KNOW THE FOUNDERS OF HAIR-AIR - THE COMPANY THAT SHIPS WIGS VIA AIRMAIL?
I DON'T.
WELL, THEIR KIDS - THE ONES WHO WILL BE INHERITING THE COMPANY - ARE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR THEIR CHARITY, AND THE FOUNDERS WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD SEND A CHECK.
TO WHERE?
THERE.
WHERE'S THERE?
THEIR HAIR AIR HEIRS IS WHERE.
LEMME OUTTA THIS COMIC!!

ARE YOU SELLING A BED COMFORTER?
NO.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!
SOMEONE'S GOTTA DO IT.

OH, NUTS.
HI, BETTY.
UGGGH...I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE DAY. FIRST I GOT A PARKING TICKET, THEN I LOST MY KEYS...
THEN I...
'BAD ENERGY' BETTY?
SPREADS IT TO ME EVERY TIME.

HEY, BARTENDER. I'M TRYING TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT. GOT ANY LIGHT BEER ?
WE DO.
GREAT. GIMME ELEVEN OF THEM.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS.