Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU MET OUR NEW BARTENDERS? THEY'RE BOTH NAMED EARL, SO TOGETHER WE CALL THEM 'EARLS'. THEIR SPECIALTY IS EGGS.
HEY, EARLS, WHAT TYPE OF EGGS YOU GOT?
WELL, WE'VE GOT FOUR... OUR ORIGINAL IS NAMED IN HONOR OF OUR FIRST BORN... COLLIE-ONE. THEN THERE'S COLLIE-TWO, THREE AND FOUR.
WHICH ONE'S YOUR GOOD EARLS?
THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE COLLIE-FOUR.
WELL, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.
I'M AFRAID WE ARE ALL OUT. WE ONLY HAVE COLLIE-ONE, TWO AND THREE MORE PIG. THERE'S NO FOUR.
YEAH, BUT I'M AFRAID THERE'S NO GOOD EARLS.
CAN I EXCHANGE THEM FOR SOMETHING ELSE?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT THEY ALL COULD BE COLLIE-FOUR, NO EARLS.
NOW WE JUST HOPE THE TIDE ROLLS IN.
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?

WHY DOES EVERYONE WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY DOES EVERYONE WORRY? YOU DON'T?
NOT AT ALL.
IF EVERYTHING BURNS DOWN, THERE'S NOTHING FOR THE RISING SEAS TO DESTROY.
YOUR RISK ASSESSMENT SKILLS ARE SOMEWHAT LACKING.
BUY A RAFT. YOU'RE FINE.

GET OUTTA THE WAY! WE'VE GOTTA CALL 9-1-1!
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE COTTON FABRIC ON MY PANTS STOPPED BREATHING.
YOUR HUMOR IS KILLING US ALL.

I THINK THAT WITH 24 HOUR NEWS AND SOCIAL MEDIA ARE THESE DAYS, THE KEY TO THIS COUNTRY IMPROVING IS FOR ALL OF US TO REALLY QUESTION THINGS.
HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S TRUE?
BECAUSE I TOLD YOU IT'S TRUE.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
WE'RE DOOMED.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO AGE?
WELL, ONE DAY YOU'RE WATCHING TV AND YOU SEE YOU'RE OLDER THAN ONE OF THE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES.
THEN ALL OF THE ATHLETES. THEN CEOS. THEN THE GOVERNOR. THEN PEOPLE WHO'VE WON NOBEL PRIZES AND DONE OTHER GREAT THINGS.
OH NO. WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
WELL, SOMEWHERE IN THERE YOU DIE.
LET'S NEVER AGE.

PHILOSOPHICALLY,
I JUST WANT TO
BE ABLE TO
DO WHAT I WANT
WHEN I WANT.
WHAT
ABOUT
OTHER
PEOPLE?
THEY TOO CAN
DO WHAT THEY
WANT WHEN
THEY WANT.
WHAT IF WHAT
THEY WANT
CONFLICTS
WITH WHAT
YOU WANT?
I PUNCH THEM WITH BOTH
FISTS SIMULTANEOUSLY.
ALL GOOD PHILOSOPHIES HAVE
A PRACTICAL COMPONENT.

HI, ALL!
PIG, YOU'RE FIVE HOURS LATE FOR WORK, MISSED OUR CLIENT MEETING, AND LOST US A SEVEN MILLION DOLLAR ACCOUNT.
IT'S OKAY. I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY MOM.
WORK IS DIFFERENT THAN SCHOOL.

AND NOW
A VERY SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS
MESSAGE
FROM RAT...
Me!
THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR COMING TO OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS GATHERING SINCE BEFORE COVID!
SO DRINK UP AND ENJOY THE FOOD AND HAVE FUN!
OH, AND I SHOULD MENTION "TUBE-AWAY".
A VACUUM I'M INSTALLING IN THE CEILING.
IF YOU BRING UP POLITICS, YOU'LL BE SUCKED UP AND SHOT INTO SPACE.
IS THAT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR STUPID SENATOR'S IDEAS?
THWOOP
BUT I HAVE MORE THINGS TO SHARE!
THERE ARE GONNA BE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN SPACE.
BETTER THERE THAN HERE.

DID YOU SEE THE WARRIORS GAME?
THE WARRIORS GAME IS DVR’ED, AS I WAS HOPING TO ENJOY IT LATER. UNSPOILED BY KNOWLEDGE OF ITS OUTCOME. MAY I ASK WHY YOUR ARMS ARE RAISED?
YOGA MOVE.
THIS YOGA MOVE IS CALLED ‘DOWNWARD BAT’.
HEY, GOTTA GO DO MORE YOGA.

Dear life,
You are filled
with too many
horrible
surprises.
So I have a
suggestion.
How 'bout you run
each of these events
by me first and
I'll let you know
if they're a go.
THIS WILL BE A NICE
CHECK ON THE SYSTEM.

HELLO, FOLKS. EVER LOSE A BUCK DOING SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS? SOMETHING RASH? SOMETHING DUMB?
WELL, IMAGINE LOSING FORTY-FOUR BILLION OF THOSE. SO PLEASE, DONATE YOUR EIGHT DOLLARS TODAY.
CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE'S ON T.V., HOLDING A TELETHON TO RAISE MONEY.
RAISE MONEY FOR WHAT?
THE NEEDY.
First Annual ELONATHON
PLEASE, FOLKS, YOUR EIGHT DOLLARS CAN HELP.
FUNDRAISING GOAL: $44 BILLION

HEY, PIG. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
PLAYING TRIVIA AT THE PUB. EVERY TUESDAY IS TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT.
OH, YEAH? HOW'D YOUR TEAM DO?
OH. GOSH. NO IDEA. I JUST PLAY FOR FUN.
WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.

WELL, RAT, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL ARE NOT GREAT. I THINK IT'S THE PRODUCT OF TOO MUCH STRESS.
WHAT DO I DO?
YOU'LL NEED TO TAKE STEPS TO REDUCE IT.
OTHER THAN SMOKING.
REALLY HELPS, DOC.

GOING THROUGH YOUR CHRISTMAS CARDS?
YEAH, RAT SAYS HE SENT ME ONE, BUT I HAVEN’T FOUND IT YET.
’Tis the glorious season of giving.
HO HO HO AND A HAPPY HOLIDAY TO YOU!
May your Christmas be blessed and bright.
CHRISTMAS STRESSES THE FREAKING BEJEZZERS OUT OF ME.
I THINK I FOUND IT.

I HEARD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BECAUSE SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU. WHEN IT COMES TO PIZZA TOPPINGS, IT'S ANCHOVIES OR NOTHING.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I BROKE UP WITH PIGITA. WE FINALLY HIT UPON AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT WE JUST COULDN'T GET PAST.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT WAS IT?
SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
HAWAIIAN STYLE. THE WORST.
WE'VE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don't have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look, obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?
OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?
ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A P.I.
AHHHH!! WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
I NEVER KNOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPER AND YOU DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO ME.
OH, RIGHT. I JUST GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA NOW.
YEAH. WELL, WE'RE THE ONLY JOURNALISTS COVERING YOUR TOWN. NOT TO MENTION WATCHING OVER YOUR LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
SO?
SO WITHOUT YOU WE GO AWAY, AND THERE WILL BE NO ONE LEFT TO DO THAT JOURNALISM.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
DID I MENTION THAT IT'S HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM?
WE SUBSCRIBE TO THE NEWSPAPER NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
USING TINDER TO FIND A DATE. DO YOU EVER USE IT?
NO. I DON'T WANT TO RISK MEETING ANYONE WHO MIGHT DISAGREE WITH MY OPINIONS OR CHALLENGE MY BELIEFS.
SO I USE "FIND A TOADY." IT'S AN APP THAT MATCHES YOU WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU THINK OR SAY.
YOU NEED HELP.
YOU'D MAKE A VERY BAD TOADY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AN ANGRY DRIVER AGGRESSIVELY CUTS YOU OFF? SWEAR AT THEM? MAKE A RUDE GESTURE? CUT THEM OFF IN RETURN?
I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE THEM SO HOSTILE AND UNHAPPY.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.
NO, BUT I'M TRYING TO BE.

Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for Next Week
Actually go inside it.
I'M MAKING REAL PROGRESS.