Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, BARTENDER. I'M TRYING TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT. GOT ANY LIGHT BEER ?
WE DO.
GREAT. GIMME ELEVEN OF THEM.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS.

I WANT YOU.
TO CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE.
I NEED TO BE A LOT MORE SPECIFIC.

LOOK AT THIS STORY ON THIS WOMAN WHO JUST DIED. SHE DEVOTED HER ENTIRE LIFE TO SAVING AT-RISK YOUTH AND GETTING THEM THROUGH COLLEGE. SHE HELPED THOUSANDS OF KIDS.
WHEN YOU READ ABOUT A LIFE LIKE THAT, IT'S HARD TO NOT COMPARE IT TO YOUR OWN.
FOR SURE.
LIKE, DO I HAVE MORE SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS?
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
AND I DO!

WELL, JUST FINISHED WORKING OUT FOR THREE HOURS. I DO IT EVERY MORNING FROM 4 A.M. TO 7.
THAT'S AMAZING.
NOT REALLY. I THINK EACH OF US IS ABLE TO BE DISCIPLINED IN SOME ACTIVITY IN THEIR LIFE... SOMETHING THEY CAN STICK TO EVERY DAY. WHAT'S IT FOR YOU?
BREATHING AND EATING CHEESE.
SIT FURTHER AWAY.
AM I BREATHING TOO MUCH?

ECONOMICS 101 EXAM
What is the significance of low interest rates?
A low interest rate means people have very little interest in what someone is saying.
For example, when you teach economics, there is a very low interest rate.
I SHOULD RETIRE AND LIVE IN A VAN.
HEY, THAT'S MY RETIREMENT PLAN.

DUDE, WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR ALMOST TWELVE HOURS.
I'VE BEEN READING THIS BUDDHIST BOOK THAT SAYS LIFE IS SUFFERING.
SO I'M SKIPPING HALF OF IT.
PERHAPS WE'RE LIVING LIFE WRONG.

YOU'D KNOW WHO WAS COMING TO MY PARTY BY GUESSING IT'S ALL BOYS.
SEE, I INVITED BENNY. SON, PIERRE.
ANNA POULDS IS COMING.
WHO?
ANNA WHO?
ANNA POULDS MINE
WHAAA??!!!
SHY AND ANNA??
WHAT ABOUT HUSBAND TRENT?
NO MARRIED. SONIA SAID NO SPOUSES.
I'M MAD.
WELL, TRENT IS INVITED, TOO. JUST NO SPOUSES.
TRENT'S NOT COMING. HE'LL BE DANCING FOR A BIG-BUCK BILL THAT DAY ANYWAY.
SO TRENT'S NOT COMING, BUT YOU'RE INVITING YOUR BOSS?
TON OF PEOPLE INVITE THEIR BOSSES TO PARTIES.
ANYONE ELSE INVITED FROM THE BIZ?
GONNA INVITE HAROLD, MANN?
HAR IS HAR, OBVIOUSLY MANN. HURRY, I'M CHARGING A FEE.
JUST AHEAD OF YOU, NED.
JA, HE MAKES US LOOK CHEAP. A FEE!
CHEAP? DO YOU KNOW WHAT SOME PEOPLE PAID TO ATTEND A CAR PARTY?
HAVE A HEART. HARD-LUCK PARTY COMPETING. AND TO BE FRNK, FOR DID GREAT.
WELL, ANYWAY... AN 18-ALBUM DEMO DRESS COST TEN TIMES WHAT I'M CHARGING.
EIGHTEEN

Whuh you look at, Zeeba?
THIS BOOK ALL ABOUT MY GUIDING PRINCIPLE IN LIFE -- LOVING OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUIDING PRINCIPLE?
Eat the slow.
Fast ones big waste o' time.

LOOK AT THIS CRAZY STORY ON TWITTER.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, BEFORE YOU START SPREADING STUFF YOU SEE ON TWITTER, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO A LITTLE INVESTIGATION OF YOUR OWN TO DETERMINE IF IT’S TRUE.
THIS SNARKY COMMENT SAYS YES.
REMEMBER JOURNALISM?
NOT RINGING A BELL.

DO YOU PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO TWITTER?
I USED TO BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT, YOU REALLY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEPARATE THE BAD TWEETS FROM THE GOOD.
WHAT ARE THE GOOD?
TWEET
TWEET
TWEET
TWEET
AND THERE ARE NO SNARKY REPLIES.

HEY, GUYS.
HEY, GOAT.
YOU'RE REALLY SMART.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS.
I LIKE MY COMPLIMENTS TO BE VAGUELY INSULTING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SIR?
WATCHING THE HORIZON. I KNOW IT'LL BE A GOOD DAY IF THE SUN RISES IN THE EAST.
THE SUN ALWAYS RISES IN THE EAST.
IT DOES!
OPTIMISTS ARE A BEFFLING BREED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FILLING OUT THIS PERSONALITY QUESTIONNAIRE. BUT I DON'T GET THIS ONE QUESTION. IT ASKS WHAT I WANT MY "LEGACY" TO BE.
LEGACY IS WHAT YOU LEAVE BEHIND FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
A WHOLE LOT OF CHEESE WRAPPERS.
DON'T KNOW HOW THAT'S RELEVANT.

GRRRRRR
TERRY JOHNSON
234 MAIN ST.
SPRINGFIELD
Dear Terry...
WHAT YOU SAID TO ME TODAY WAS MORONIC!!
P.S. YOU'RE A FATTIE.
One stamp please.
WHY LETTERS ARE BETTER THAN E-MAIL.
OOOH... I SHALL REPLY TO THAT HASTILY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HIDING THIS PLATE OF COOKIES FROM MRS.IE. IT'S EITHER THAT OR I SCARF DOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
THEY'RE HIDDEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GETTING AWAY FROM TECHNOLOGY AND STEPPING OUT INTO NATURE TO RESTORE THE SOUL AND ENJOY GOD'S GREEN CREATION.
THAT'S A CELL PHONE TOWER.
TECHNOLOGY'S WINNING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A BLUES SONG. I LOVE THE GRITTY DESPERATION THAT COMES WITH THE BLUES.
SO WHAT'S YOUR SONG ABOUT?
HOW MY 401K PLAN IS WEIGHTED SLIGHTLY TOO HEAVILY IN TECH STOCKS.
THAT RIPS MY SOUL IN TWO.
THE BLUES CAN DO THAT.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY TOE. I SHOULD LOOK UP WHAT IT IS ONLINE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT… WE HAVE THE I.D. LAW.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE LAW OF INTERNET DIAGNOSES: ANY AILMENT YOU LOOK UP ONLINE IS ALWAYS AND WITHOUT A DOUBT FATAL.
WELL, THAT SURE SAVES TIME.
YEAH, AND YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH LEFT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STARTED WRITING BLUES SONGS. I LOVE THE GRIT AND THE HONESTY AND THE DESPERATION.
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE THE BLUES ABOUT?
TRADER JOE'S WAS OUT OF MY FAVORITE COOKIES.
THEY'RE REALLY GOOD COOKIES.

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE THE INTERNET?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?!
I'M NOT SOME BIG TECHNOLOGY GUY.
LOOK IT UP IN A DICTIONARY.
Internet:
A place where unhappy people take out their frustrations on others.
IT WAS LESS TECHNOLOGICAL THAN YOU'D THINK.

AHH, A NEW DAY! TIME FOR MY MORNING ROUTINE.
A LITTLE STRETCHING.
A NICE WALK.
A WARM SHOWER.
AND TO THE CAFE FOR A TASTY BAGEL AND COFFEE.
AND A QUICK PEEK AT SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU STUPID IDIOT
KILL YOURSELF
YOU MONSTER
YOU LOSER
MORON
I HATE YOU
I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING TO LEAVE OUT OF MY MORNING ROUTINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I HAD TO PUT MY PHONE IN THE FRIDGE. I GOT THAT WARNING THAT SAID IT HAD GOTTEN TOO HOT.
YEAH. FROM THE SUN.
SEXY TEXTS.
SOMETIMES I REGRET ASKING QUESTIONS.

WORLD PEACE
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE NAIVE TO THINK THAT YOUR SILLY BOOTH WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
CRACK
WORLD PEACE
IT'S WORLD PEACE I SEEK, BUT IT'S LOCAL PEACE THAT ELUDES ME.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
ONE OF THOSE GIANT CINNAMON ROLLS.
PIG, THAT’S ROUGHLY A THIRD OF ALL THE TOTAL CALORIES THEY RECOMMEND YOU EAT IN A DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT I SHOULD EAT TWO MORE A DAY TO BE HEALTHY.
NO.
FINE. I’LL EAT FOUR, BUT NO MORE.

WELL, I'M TAKING OFF. GONNA HEAD OUT TO THE CAFE.
FSSSSSSS
BUG REPELLENT?
PEOPLE REPELLENT. THEY'RE MUCH MORE OF A PROBLEM.
THEY REALLY DO AVOID HIM.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST HIS PERSONALITY.