Pearls Before Swine | Search

OKAY, CLASS. HERE IS YOUR CALCULUS FINAL.
WE'RE HAVING THE FINAL TODAY?
YES, AND PIG, YOU'LL HAVE TO GET AT LEAST AN 'A-MINUS' TO GRADUATE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY.
DOES THE FINAL EXAM NIGHTMARE STOP AT SOME POINT IN LIFE?
I STUDY CALCULUS JUST IN CASE.

I WANT TO DANCE, BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT IT AND I'M AFRAID OF WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT SAY.
THAT'S SMART, 'CAUSE ULTIMATELY, IT'S OTHER PEOPLE WHO DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS.
IT IS?
NOPE.

LARRY, YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOREVER... WHAT'RE YOU BUILDING?
Larry build best zeeba trap ever.
YOU'RE USING UP ALL MY MASKING TAPE.
Tape? Can always get more tape.
YOU'RE USING ALL MY SEWING NEEDLES.
Needle? Can always get more needle.
AND HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON THIS?
Monies? Can always make more monies.
AND YOU'VE SPENT ABSOLUTELY NO TIME WITH JUNIOR.
Time? Can always make more—

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
JUST SITTING DOWN WITH A GOOD BOOK.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST SIT DOWN WITH IT.
MOST PEOPLE READ IT.
WE'RE HAPPY, BUT THANKS.

HEY, PIG. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
PUTTING TOGETHER
THIS FINANCIAL
PLAN FOR MY
FUTURE.
THAT'S SMART. MOST PEOPLE
FAIL TO CHART ALL THAT OUT.
CAN I SEE WHAT YOU
HAVE SO FAR?
Get rich.
I TRY TO NOT GET LOST
IN THE DETAILS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO MANIPULATING OTHERS?
FLATTERIZING THEM.
THE WORD IS “FLATTER,” NOT “FLATTERIZE.”
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE AROUND SUCH GENIUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS?

THE KEY IS TO BET ON YOURSELF IN LIFE.

I CAN DO THAT.

GREAT.

I bet I lose.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO CONFIDENT.

DO YOU THINK THE VACCINE IS AN ATTEMPT BY BILL GATES TO IMPLANT US WITH MICROCHIPS THAT TRACK US
OF COURSE HOW ELSE COULD HE TRACK US

OH OTHER THAN BY USING
THE PHONE THAT'S IN YOUR HANDS
I MAY NEED NEW BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS

HEY, PIG, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. FINALLY LOST A FEW POUNDS.
HOW'D YOU DO IT?
STOPPED CARRYING AROUND SO MUCH GUILT.
I WOULDN'T THINK THAT WAS QUANTIFIABLE.
I COULD LOSE HALF MY BODY WEIGHT.

Okay, gentlemen, I'll need your lineup cards for today's ballgame.
Here you go, Ump.
Oh, and here's a thousand bucks.
Whoa whoa... What are you giving money to the ump for? He already gets a salary.
It's just a little extra.
So that he favors your side? He'd be a big jerk if he did that!
HEY HEY HEY HEY.
Money doesn't change the calls I make. I can still do my job fairly and honorably.
Yeah. And to ensure that, here's another thousand.
our political system explained.
not really a field of dreams.
IF HE SAYS HE'LL BE FAIR, HE'LL BE FAIR.

RRRRRRING
HELLO?
YES. THIS IS YOUR BANK CALLING. YOU'RE OVERDRAWN ON YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT AND WILL NEED TO DEPOSIT FUNDS IMMEDIATELY.
SORRY. CAN'T.
AND WHY IS THAT?
IT'S ANOTHER WORRY I JUST DON'T NEED.
I'M SURE THEY'LL UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE 'DIE OF FATE.' YOU ROLL IT TO SEE IF TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY. GIVE IT A TRY.
"WILL NOT."
AWW. TOO BAD.
ALL OF THE SIDES SAY 'WILL NOT.'
DID I MENTION I'M NOT AN OPTIMIST?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE GREATEST DEVELOPMENT OF OUR AGE?
ALL INFORMATION BEING INSTANTLY AVAILABLE.
WHAT'S THE WORST?
ALL INFORMATION BEING INSTANTLY AVAILABLE.
ADDICTIVE LITTLE BEASTS.
THEY'RE LIKE BOOZE, BUT WITHOUT THE FUN.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK I'VE DONE ENOUGH GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE TO ONE DAY GO TO HEAVEN?
WHAT GOOD HAVE YOU DONE?
I ALWAYS CLEAN THE LINT SCREEN ON THE DRYER.
I NEED MORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A THANK YOU CARD TO THIS FORMER NEIGHBOR OF OURS.
THAT'S GREAT... IT'S SUCH A SIMPLE ACT, BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO DO IT ANYMORE. CAN I SEE IT?
DEAR BOB,
THANK YOU FOR MOVING FAR AWAY.
HOW DO I GET IN THESE CONVERSATIONS?
"PLEASE NEVER EVER RETURN."

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE?
OF COURSE.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
JUST MAKE YOUR DREAM GETTING FAT WHILE DOING NOTHING ON THE COUCH.
MY GOD. IT'S WORKING.

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'LL SAVE THE MASK YOU USED DURING THE PANDEMIC AS A STRANGE MEMENTO?
MASK? YOU MEAN MASKS?
YOU USED THE SAME MASK ALL TWO YEARS?
PERHAPS.
HOW OFTEN DID YOU CLEAN IT?
OH, GOODNESS.
I THINK I POSED A GREATER RISK THAN THE PANDEMIC.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
NEIGHBOR BOB WAS JUST IN HERE AND HE SAID HE WAS OFF TO TALK TO A HAMBURGER AND A FRANKFURTER.
YEAH, THEY'RE HIS FRIENDS FROM GERMANY. ONE'S FROM HAMBURG AND ONE'S FROM FRANKFURT.
KNOWLEDGE RUINS ALL OF LIFE'S FUN.

HEY, PIG... I HEAR YOU'VE STARTED A NEW EXERCISE REGIMEN.
YEAH. THE KEY IS TO CHART YOUR PROGRESS.
SO YOU DO A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY?
A LITTLE LESS.
HOPING TO GET TO ZERO SOON.

WISE ***-
ON THE
HILL
OH, WISE ***, I'VE CLIMBED MILES TO BE ENLIGHTENED.
I BEG YOU TO SHARE SOME OF YOUR GREAT KNOWLEDGE.
*SPAM* STANDS FOR *SPICED HAM*.
I HOLD THE WISDOM OF THE AGES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MAKING A LIST OF THE HAPPIEST PLACES ON EARTH.
YEAH, ACCORDING TO THIS HAPPINESS INDEX, IT'S FINLAND, DENMARK AND ICELAND. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE?
My comfy bed.
THE COUCH CAME IN SECOND.

DO YOU EVER WONDER IF ALL EXISTENCE IS JUST A CREATION OF THE MIND?
IT IS. I MADE YOU. AND YOU. AND THAT BUSH. AND WHEN I DIE, YOU ALL GO "POOF."
THAT'S GONNA RUIN MY TUESDAY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I JUST REALIZED THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO HIDE RIGHT HERE IN MY CLOSET.
WHY IS THAT?
SO THIS TERRIFYING WORLD CAN'T GET ME.
IS HE THE CRAZY ONE OR AM I?
I'LL SAY IT'S BOTH OF YOU.

HOW TO TALK TO A PERSON WHO DOESN’T THINK LIKE YOU POLITICALLY
I SEE, WELL, THAT’S A VERY INTERESTING OPINION.
MAY I SUGGEST A DIFFERENT WAY TO LOOK AT THIS?
SURE...
GREAT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL BRING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES TO THE ISSUES.
RIGHT. PERSPECTIVES BASED ON OUR PAST. OUR EXPERIENCE. OUR EDUCATION.
AGREED.
SO I THINK THE POINT IS THIS.
YOU MAY JUST BE A MORON.
NOT LIKE THAT.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HITTING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL A SHOE UNTIL YOUR BRAIN RESTARTS :)
LEAVING NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I HAVE A STUPID AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE TODAY!
WHY IS THAT?
I'M STUPID.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.