Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I SAW YOUR POST ON FACEBOOK ABOUT TAKING A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA.
YEP. NEEDED A REST.
YEAH. THAT POST MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
IT DOES.
SORTA LIKE RENOUNCING SUGAR WHILE SHOVING A DONUT IN YOUR MOUTH.
I NEED A REST FROM YOU.
ANOTHER WAY TO TAKE A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA IS TO NOT POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

LARRY, I’M LEAVING YOU.
Leaving me? For who?
NOBODY. I’VE JUST HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR LAZINESS.
HA! Larry not believe dat! Who you is leave me for?
FINE. I’M LEAVING YOU FOR THIS LAMP. IT SERVES A PURPOSE AND DOESN’T ANNOY ME.
Me gonna miss dat lamp.

I FINALLY MET OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.
I'D WATCH OUT FOR THAT GUY. HE CAN BE A REAL JERK.
YOU'VE MET HIM?
NO.
IT'S JUST A GOOD RULE FOR ANYONE YOU EVER MEET.
I PREFER TO SEE THE GOOD SIDE OF PEOPLE.
PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT!!!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M SAD AND UNMOTIVATED. CAN YOU HELP ME TO IMPROVE MY LIFE?
YES, NEU, MY FIRST QUESTION IS WHETHER YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT BRINGS YOU GREAT JOY?
THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
I'M BEYOND HELP.

I HAVE SOME GROUND PEPPER FOR YOUR SALAD JUST SAY WHEN.
When.
WHEN.
I HAVEN'T STARTED.
You said to say when.
SAY WHEN WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
OF?
THE PEPPER.
I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED.
No, when should I say when?
WHEN IT'S THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
You're the chef!
CAN YOU JUST ANSWER THE GOSH FREAKIN' QUESTION??
I WAS NOT EXPECTING A POP QUIZ!!
AAARGH!
WHEN! WHEN! WHEN!
CRICK CRICK CRACK
WE SHOULDN'T TAKE HIM TO NICE RESTAURANTS.
I WON'T BE HAVING WHAT PIG'S HAVING.

HOTEL FRONT DESK.
YEAH, I JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP. THE WHOLE ROOM IS DARK. I MANAGED TO FIND A LIGHT SWITCH, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR CARD KEY IN THE LITTLE SLOT MARKED 'MASTER' BY THE ROOM DOOR.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND MY CARD AND THE CARD SLOT IN A DARK ROOM?
BY FIRST BUMPING INTO A WHOLE BUNCH OF $@#*.
ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.
GOD BLESS THAT HOTEL CLERK.

INFIDELS ON THE HILL
Hey, big Wise Ass...Me is fierce predator dat have to provide for family. Whuh best prey me capable of catching?
TOFU.
Wonder how many legs dat have.

HEY, STEPH. I THOUGHT I'D MAKE YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER TODAY, SO I WENT OUT AND FOUND YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
THAT'S GREAT. IT'S TOUGH TO BE AN ARTIST SOMETIMES, AND SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAN BE A REAL EGO BOOST.
YOU'RE NOT HELPFUL.

HEY, GOAT. I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB AS A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YEP. I'M TRYING TO SELL THIS HOUSE.
THAT'S GREAT. HEY, WHICH BEDROOM ARE WE IN NOW?
THE MASTER.
BANNED TERM. YOU'RE CANCELED.
WORD ENFORCEMENT IS AN EXHILARATING HOBBY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED BY SOMEONE YOU KNOW THAN BY A TOTAL STRANGER?
IS THAT TRUE?
YEAH. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
I CHOOSE FRIENDS POORLY.
I'M GOING BACK TO READING NOW.
I'LL BE SPENDING MORE TIME WITH STRANGERS.

The Adventures of ACHIEVEMENT MAN!!
A new day is ahead of me! I can achieve anything!
GRRR!!
Defeated again.
ACHIEVEMENT MAN NEVER STANDS A CHANCE.

KNOCK KNOCK
DID SOMEONE KNOCK?
YES, IT'S US.
WHO'S 'US'?
EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER LOST IN YOUR LIFE. YOU GET ONE LAST CHANCE TO TALK TO US.
...AND HE GREW UP AND NOW REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF YOU AND...AND...AND...
SOMETIMES IT'S BEST NOT TO WAKE THE DREAMERS.

I WANT TO TALK TO THAT GIRL. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
T ALWAYS USED TO OPEN UP CONVERSATIONS BY JUST ASKING WHAT TIME IT IS.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOUR (EXPLETIVE) PHONE?
TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS WHEN YOU DIE?
I THINK THEY GET FROZEN IN PLACE FOREVERMORE AS OF YOUR LAST POST.
MY LAST POST IS, "I LIKE ROUND BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE."
HOW CLASSY.
I EXPECTED MORE OF MY EPITAPH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I FELL GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.

IS THIS WHAT GETTING OLD IS ALL ABOUT? DUMBER AND DUMBER INJURIES SUSTAINED WHILE DOING THINGS THAT YOU NEVER GOT HURT DOING BEFORE? IT'S TERRIBLE. I DON'T WANNA GET OLD.

I NOW THINK GETTING OLD IS QUITE NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
CAN'T SLEEP. I'M JUST WORRYING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
THAT'S SILLY, RAT. NINETY PERCENT OF OUR WORRIES NEVER EVEN COME TRUE.
IS THAT REALLY THE CASE?
YEP. SO KEEP THAT IN MIND WHENEVER YOU GET LIKE THIS.
OKAY.
TEN PERCENT OF MY WORRIES COME TRUE. TEN PERCENT OF MY WORRIES COME TRUE. TEN...

DID YOU KNOW THAT A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION IS BORN WITH RED PUPILS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YEAH, A DOCTOR FRIEND OF MINE HAS A SPECIMEN FROM A CADAVER AND IS FLYING TO FLORIDA TO HAVE IT STUDIED.
IS HE TAKING THE RED EYE?
I WISH I COULD UNSEE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THINKING ABOUT STANDING ON MY HEAD ON THE FRONT LAWN.
WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT?
THE NEIGHBORS WILL SEE ME AND THEY'LL SAY I'M NOT NORMAL.
NORMAL IS AN IMAGINARY LASSO THROWN AROUND YOU BY OTHERS. ONCE YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT THERE, THE WORLD IS YOURS.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO A POLITICIAN’S RALLY. I’M TAKING MY MAGIC TRANSLATION BOX.
HE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH?
HE SPEAKS POLITICIANISH. THIS TRANSLATES IT INTO THE TRUTH. COME SEE.
IF YOU SEND ME TO WASHINGTON, I’LL CLEAN UP THIS CORRUPT SYSTEM AND FIGHT FOR YOU HARD-WORKING AMERICANS, GOD BLESS YOU!
I AM GIVEN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS BY THE RICH AND THE POWERFUL TO KEEP THIS RIGGED SYSTEM EXACTLY AS IT IS UNTIL YOU CHANGE THAT, NONE OF THIS WILL EVER CHANGE, AND WE’LL KEEP HOPING YOU’RE TOO DISTRACTED TO NOTICE.
WE’RE GONNA NEED A WORD WITH YOU.
THIS IS TOO MUCH TRUTH FOR ONE COMIC STRIP. PREPARE TO BE DISAPPEARED.
I DON’T KNOW HIM.

MY LIFE FEELS SO DIRECTIONLESS LATELY... AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
GOD?
SMART GUY WHO LIVES IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE US.
AND I'D PREFER NOT TO TALK RELIGION.
I'D PREFER NOT TO TALK.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THE LIFE I'VE HAD?
THE GOOD PARTS OR THE BAD PARTS?
THE BAD PARTS. THE GOOD PARTS I EARNED.
HE WAS TOO SPEECHLESS TO ANSWER.

WHAT IT TAKES FOR YOU TO GET INJURED AT VARIOUS PHASES OF YOUR LIFE...
AGE 20
I fell off the roof and got hit by a car.
AGE 40
I slipped on the grass and fell.
AGE 60
I opened the peanut butter jar wrong.
LIFE IS CRUEL.
I FEAR 80.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'D LIKE YOUR NEW PHONE. AT $1000, IT'S A LITTLE PRICEY FOR ME, BUT I THINK I CAN JUST AFFORD IT.
GREAT. WILL YOU BE NEEDING ANYTHING ELSE?
I DON'T THINK SO. I ALREADY HAVE CHARGERS AND HEADPHONES.
NOPE! WE'VE CHANGED ALL THE PORTS! SO FORK OVER $200 MORE, YOU SUCKER!
THEY TAKE FAR TOO MUCH JOY IN THAT.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
I MAKE SCENTS.
THEY PAY YOU FOR JUST MAKING SCENTS?
WELL, THEY DON’T PAY ME FOR NON-SCENTS.
NO ONE WANTS NONSENSE. JUST COMMON SENSE.
THEY DON’T WANT COMMON SCENTS.
NEIGHBOR BOB MAKES NO SENSE.
YOU MAKE NO SCENTS.

I hear you got angry at your boss and quit your job today.
Yep.
By my count, that's the tenth job in a row where you've said you had a terrible boss and quit. Does that tell you anything?
There are a lot of terrible bosses.
I see.
Shouldn't that part be obvious?