Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HANDING OUT FREE BOOKS TO WHOMEVER WANTS ONE.
WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO SHARE THE JOY OF BOOK- READING?
BECAUSE EVERY PROBLEM I'VE EVER HAD HAS BEEN CAUSED BY AN IDIOT.
SOMEHOW EVEN YOUR GOOD DEEDS SOUND BAD.
READ, MORON, READ!

A GRAND IDEA TO IMPROVE THE WORLD:
Everybody but me should change.
AS THE IDEA GUY, I DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I FAILED AT SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... FAILURE MAKES YOU STRONGER.
ME IF THAT WAS TRUE.
IT IS KIND OF A STUPID EXPRESSION.
I'M AS WEAK AS EVER.

THE KEY, REALLY, IS TO JUST ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO BE THEMSELVES.
Being yourself is essential to personal happiness.
LISTEN, FRED, YOU JUST GOTTA BE YOURSELF.
SPIRITUAL RETREAT 'LEARNING TO BE YOURSELF'
THE PROBLEM IN THE WORLD IS NOT THAT PEOPLE AREN'T BEING THEMSELVES! IT'S THAT THEY ARE BEING THEMSELVES!
SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.
YOU SHOULD BE SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
A MAYFLY. HE WAS JUST BORN, BUT MAYFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR HOURS.
MIDLIFE CRISIS! MIDLIFE CRISIS!
ACK
IT GOES FAST.

THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN! THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Le
Gal.
SHE WRITES A LOT.
LEGAL. YOU’RE BEING SUED.
THIS WILL HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... I'M DOING A POLL OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AS A NEIGHBOR.
TERRIBLE. MAYBE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. A REAL @%&*@%.
GREAT, SO I'LL PUT YOU DOWN AS 'UNDECIDED.'
POLLING IS A REAL ART.

1. Kindness is key.
2. Amass experiences, not things.
3. Follow your instincts.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IN HONOR OF MY REACHING MIDDLE AGE, I'M WRITING DOWN EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED SO FAR IN LIFE. YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
I like Mexican food.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'M SURE OF.

DO YOU THINK NEIGHBOR BOB IS A NICE GUY OR MORE OF AN @$$?
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT IS NOT A WORD YOU CAN SAY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU THINK HE'S MORE OF A NICE GUY OR MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
MORASS. JUDGING OTHERS IS ONE BIG MORASS.
I HATE MY JOB.
MORASS. CENSORSHIP IS ONE BIG MORASS.

MY PROBLEMS TODAY:
1) Bills overdue.
2) Angry neighbor.
3) Broken washing machine.
HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S ALL THAT?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP IF YOU LIST OUT YOUR DAILY PROBLEMS.
MY PROBLEMS TODAY
None I can't overcome.
THERE'S A REASON WE HATE OPTIMISTS.

To: Undisclosed recipients
From: Acme Products
Subject: Spring deals!
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ALL OF THEM!
SAVES
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TIME.
So that’s
how you
stop those
emails.

I'VE DECIDED TO STOP SUGGESTING TO IDIOTS HOW THEY SHOULD LIVE THEIR LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU DO INSTEAD?
NOW I JUST ORDER THEM.
WONDERFUL.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS WORLD.

DAILY DISCIPLINE
PROGRESS
ACHIEVEMENTS
HAPPINESS
WHAT'S ALL THAT, GOAT?
IT'S CALLED A HAPPINESS DIAGRAM. YOU LITERALLY CHART YOUR PERSONAL MAP TO ACHIEVING HAPPINESS.
Beer -> Happy
YOU'VE MADE THINGS MUCH TOO HARD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
INVISIBILITY.
WHY IS THAT?
PEOPLE CAN'T HURT WHAT THEY CAN'T SEE.
MY LIFE JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

DID YOU KNOW THAT KIDS BOOK PUBLISHERS ARE NOW GOING THROUGH CLASSIC BOOKS AND ELIMINATING WORDS LIKE 'NUTS' AND 'PLUMP' AND 'STUPID'?
GREAT, SO THEN FUTURE EDITORS CAN CHANGE WHAT THEY WANT TO CHANGE, AND THE NEXT EDITORS CAN MAKE MORE CHANGES, AND SOON WE'LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT OF THE AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL VISION.
YAAAAAAY!
YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE DETECTING SARCASM.
YOU LOST ME AT 'AUTHOR.'

HEY, STEPH, WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND WANTED TO WATCH SOME GREAT SPORTS HIGHLIGHT OVER AND OVER, HOW WOULD YOU DO IT?
WELL, THERE WAS THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.
YEAH, BUT I MEAN AFTER THAT.
AFTER THAT, IT WAS PRETTY MUCH GONE FOREVER.
MOST DEPRESSING CHILDHOOD EVER?
HAS TO BE.
I LIKED MY CHILDHOOD!

DO YOU THINK LIFE IS A BALANCE OF SUCCESSES AND FAILURES?
OF COURSE. IT'S THAT WAY FOR EVERYONE.
I MUST FINISH REALLY STRONG.

HEY, SAM... YOUR DAD SAYS YOU GOT A GREAT JOB RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE! CONGRATS! HOW'S IT GOING?
IT WAS GOOD.
WHADDYA MEAN, "WAS"?
I QUIT.
QUIT? WHY?
I MADE A LITTLE MONEY, SO NOW I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MYSELF FOR A WHILE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
OH, I DON'T LIVE FOR MY CAREER. THAT WAS YOUR GENERATION. I LIVE TO ENJOY MY LIFE. TO BE IN THE MOMENT. TO EXPERIENCE THINGS.
SHOULD WE MOCK HIM OR REGRET OUR LIVES?
MOCK. IT HURTS LESS.
FLAKY, LIFE-ENJOYING WEIRDO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TURNING ON THE "HEY, MORON, GET THE @#$* OUT OF MY FACE" FEATURE ON MY iPHONE.
YOU MEAN "DO NOT DISTURB."
I UPGRADED.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
THIS PAPER FOR MY PHILOSOPHY CLASS WHERE WE HAVE TO DISCUSS THE PURPOSE OF BEING ALIVE. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
I THINK THE PURPOSE IS TO LOVE OTHERS, AS WE ARE ALL PART OF ONE RHYTHMIC ENERGY THAT WE CONNECT TO BY BEING FULLY MINDFUL AND PRESENT.
I'LL JUST WRITE 'DONUTS'.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
TO LIVE AND TO LEARN.
WILL THERE BE A GRADE?
NO GRADE.
IS IT PASS/NO PASS?
IN THE END, WE ALL PASS.
LIFE IS EASIER THAN YOU THINK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M HAVING A TERRIBLE DAY.
YEAH, WHEN I'M FEELING LIKE THAT, I LIKE TO DO A LITTLE YOGA OR MEDITATION OR GO FOR A LONG WALK. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
I TEAR DOWN OTHERS ONLINE.
I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET.

A MAGIC GENIE!
A MAGIC GENIE!
CAN I HAVE MY THREE WISHES, MAGIC GENIE?
SORRY, KID. WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, WE'VE GOT TOO MANY PEOPLE WISHING FOR TOO MANY THINGS.
IT'S SAD WHEN WE BURN OUT THE GENIES.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SIR. WILL YOU BE PAYING WITH CASH OR CREDIT CARD?
CREDIT CARD.
GREAT. JUST FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS ON THE SCREEN.
Tip 20%
Tip 25%
Tip 30%
Give nothing and risk looking like a cheap idiot that everyone hates.
I NEED TO START PAYING WITH CASH.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SIR.
THANK YOU. MA'AM... AND JUST TO SPREAD SOME GOOD KARMA, LET ME PAY FOR WHOEVER THE GUY BEHIND ME ORDERS.
HERE YOU GO, SIR. PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
AWW. LET ME PAY FOR THE NEXT PERSON.
PAID FOR BY THE LAST CUSTOMER.
I SAVED FOUR BUCKS! I SAVED FOUR BUCKS!
KARMA HAS ITS LIMITS.
IN YOUR FACE, PAYING CUSTOMERS!