Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, RAT?
I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON. AND I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.
HANG ON. I HAVE JUST WHAT YOU NEED.
WHAT IS IT?
I'LL SHOW YOU. SEE, I FINALLY REALIZED THAT HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. AND WHILE YOU CAN'T ALWAYS CHOOSE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND.
SO GO AHEAD...CHOOSE!
I choose happiness! I'll remain miserable!
CRACK
choose I'm
to happiness! miserable!
remain
NEVER TAUNT A NON-MORNING PERSON.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY "REST HIS SOUL" WHEN SOMEONE DIES?
ALL THE PERSON'S DOING IS LYING THERE DEAD. WHAT DO THEY NEED REST FROM?
I NEED REST FROM YOU.
WISH ME ADVENTURE WHEN I'M DEAD!

WHAT'S WRONG?
GOAT SAYS THERE'S A MAN-EATING OCTOPUS!
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS A VERY IMPRECISE THING.

HEY, GOAT, I HEAR YOU'RE A LITTLE DOWN, SO I'M THE CHEER-UP SQUAD, HERE TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, RAT. SOMETIMES SOME QUALITY TIME WITH A FRIEND WHO SHOWS SOME COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING IS ALL WE REALLY NEED.
I'M JUST BRINGING YOU BOOZE.
I DON'T THINK DRINKING'S THE ANSWER.
THEN YOU'RE ASKING ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LOCKED LIQUOR CABINET?
I HAVE PASTIS.
OH, GREAT, THE FRENCH LIQUEUR?
NOT EXACTLY.
I'LL LET HIM OUT WHEN HE STOPS WITH THE PUNS.
I'LL NEVER STOP!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M AFRAID OF GHOSTS SO I CAN'T SLEEP, AND NOW I'M JUST LYING HERE.
WELL, THAT'S A DUMB THING TO DO.
WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?
FEAR THE LIVING.
THIS COULD BE A LONG NIGHT.

HEY, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND SIT WITH ME?
PIG, WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT'S VERY SEXIST.
I LOATHE THIS COMIC STRIP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SHOPPING FOR WINDOW BLINDS.
HAVE YOU FOUND ANY YOU LIKE?
YEAH. I THINK A BUNCH ARE REALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ANY FAVORITES?
YEAH THIS ONE. IT SHOWS YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CLOSE THE LOUVER:
YEAH. AND IT EVEN GOES, 'MOO.'
AND YOU LIKE THAT?
I REALLY DO.
HOW COME?
SOMETHING IN THE WAY SHE MOOS ATTRACTS ME LIKE NO OTHER LOUVER.
THIS IS WHY YOU ATTRACT NO ONE.

WHEN YOU SEE DEPICTIONS OF THE AFTERLIFE, WHAT INSTRUMENT DO YOU ALWAYS SEE?
THE HARP.
AND IN LIFE, DO YOU FIND YOURSELF LISTENING TO A LOT OF HARP MUSIC?
ALMOST NEVER.
SO YOU LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO BE GOOD, ONLY TO THEN DIE AND FIND YOURSELF LISTENING TO NOTHING BUT BORING OLD HARPS.
WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY.
IT IS WHY I SIN.

MR. PIG, I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HOW IN TODAY'S WORLD OF SOCIAL MEDIA IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER TO THINK FOR MYSELF AND NOT JUST FOLLOW MY FELLOW LEMMINGS OVER A CLIFF TO MY DOOM.
GOOD FOR YOU.
BOOOOOO
WAIT FOR MEEEEEE
THE PULL OF THE MOB IS STRONG.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WORRIED ABOUT THE FACT THAT SO MANY STATES HAVE NOW LEGALIZED ONLINE SPORTS BETTING?
YES. IT'S FUN. SO GET WITH THE TIMES, YOU OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.
OOPS. JUST LOST THE HOUSE.
MY OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT IS CHANGING.

The Plusses and Minuses of Dogs
Plusses
Friendly
Loyal
Cute
Loving
Cuddly
Fun
Never Complain
Protective
Minuses
When they die, they rip your heart out worse than it's ever been ripped out before.
IT'S WORTH IT.

OKAY, LITTLE LEMMINGS, IN A WORLD OF DISINFORMATION, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER TO THINK FOR YOURSELF BEFORE DETERMINING YOUR BEST COURSE OF ACTION.
I THINK IT'S BEST TO PANIC AND JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
I THINK THAT TOO!
I THINK THAT TOO!
I THINK THAT TOO!
THINKING MAY BE A CHALLENGE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, TELL ME THE SECRET TO BEING HAPPY.
FIRST, MAKE A LIST DETAILING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
OKAY. THEN WHAT?
RUN FROM THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GONNA LEARN TO COOK WITH NEIGHBOR NANCY... I’M BRINGING A PAD OF PAPER TO WRITE DOWN EACH SPECIFIC STEP AND THE EXACT MEASUREMENTS.
OKAY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, I’M READY.
GREAT. WE’LL START WITH A DOLLOP OF OIL AND A DASH OR RED PEPPER FLAKES.
THEN ADD A SMIDGEN OF CUMIN, A PINCH OF OREGANO, AND A HINT OF LIME. MIX UNTIL JUST COMBINED. ADD SALT TO TASTE.
HOW MUCH SALT IS THAT?
WHATEVER AMOUNT YOU LIKE. THEN COOK ‘TIL DONE.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN IT’S DONE?
JUST EYE IT.
I LEARNED NOTHING.

UH, NO.
NO.
NONE.
NO, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE DEEP STATE.

WHYS THAT LETTER ON JOHN DEERE TRACTOR STATIONERY?
MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS THERE. SHE'S WRITING TO SAY SHE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME.
OH, DEAR, YOU GOT A DEAR JOHN LETTER?
A JOHN DEERE.
A JOHN DEERE DEAR JOHN, DEAR?
I WOULD LIKE TO BREAK UP WITH THIS COMIC STRIP.

HEY, RAT, WE'VE GOT A BIG GOPHER IN OUR FRONT YARD.
HIT HIM WITH A SHOVEL OR SOMETHING. HE'LL RUIN THE LAWN.
I FEEL LIKE THAT WOULD BE A MISTAKE.

Extinct due to human exploitation
Extinct due to habitat destruction
Extinct due to moody billionaire
THAT LAST ONE SEEMED PREVENTABLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BIGGEST SKILL IN THE WORKPLACE?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-SOLVER. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-CAUSER.
NOT A LOT OF PLACES HIRING FOR THAT.
NO, BUT I FREELANCE QUITE A BIT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
HAPPY PILLS FROM DR. DO-BETTER. YOU TAKE JUST ONE A DAY AND HAPPINESS IS YOURS.
BEST TO NOT TAKE ANY CHANCES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT A JOB AS A POSITIVITY THERAPIST.
PEOPLE WRITE TO TELL ME ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THEIR LIFE THAT AREN’T VERY GOOD, AND I TRY TO REFRAME IT AS A POSITIVE.
WELL, THAT’S NICE. CAN I SEE ONE?
SURE.
Dear Dr. Pig,
I recently lost my home in a fire and now my cat is gone.
GEE, THAT’S SAD. WHAT'D YOU TELL THEM?
THIS.
NO MORE MOPPING FOR YOU!
SHE DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME.

Dear everyone everywhere who's always arguing...
Relax and eat some cheese.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A LOTTA CHEESE.

OKAY, LEMMINGS. I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS, BUT BEFORE I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, I NEED YOU TO PROMISE YOU WON'T PANIC, BUT INSTEAD WILL HELP US PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
OKAY
OKAY
OKAY
TURNS OUT THE CLIMATE IS CHANGING FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT. BIG FIRES ARE MORE FREQUENT, AS ARE HURRICANES AND COASTAL FLOODING.
I DON'T THINK THEY'LL BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.

Hi, me Larry da Croc...
You reject my applica-
shun for hunting rifle
kill Zeeba!
Me want know why.
LARRY DA CROC... LARRY DA
CROC... AH, YES, HERE'S YOUR
APPLICATION... IT APPEARS YOUR
ANSWER TO THE FIRST QUESTION
WAS DEEMED UNSATISFACTORY.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
No, but me can try harder.
You guys real nitpickers.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT FIGHTING
WITH STICKS
AND STONES?