Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR, I KNOW I HAVE MANY CASES BEFORE YOU, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD INTEREST YOU IN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID VACATION?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
ALSO I NOTICE YOU HAVE A CASE -- MAY I PAY DOUBLE THE PRICE?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I PAY THE TUITION OF ANY OF YOUR KIDS OR FRIENDS OR RELATIVES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
HAVE YOU READ BOOK X, YOUR HONOR? COULD I BUY 50,000 COPIES FOR FRIENDS?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I GIVE YOU THIS MILLION DOLLARS?
A BRIBE? HOW DARE YOU!
AHHHH... WE HAD ETHICS AFTER ALL.
AND A NICE VACATION TO BOOT.
THE BRIBE SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH,
ARE YOU
ON YOUR
BOOK TOUR
YET?
YEP...DRIVING
TO DANVILLE,
CALIFORNIA..
THEN FLYING TO
BROOKLYN AND
CHICAGO.
OH, JUST SO YOU
KNOW, I PUT A
FEW PUZZLE
BOXES IN YOUR
SUITCASE.
WHAT
FOR?
SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO DURING THE BOOK
SIGNINGS.
PEOPLE DO
COME TO
MY BOOK
SIGNINGS!
THOSE ARE
CALLED
BOOKSTORE
EMPLOYEES.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND DEBBIE. SHE'S FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
OHH... SOUTH CAROLINA. IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR NORTH CAROLINA?
AWW, BLESS YOUR HEART.
SHE BLESSED ME!
WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM THAT'S SOUTHERN FOR DUMBA##?
I. WOULD. NEVER.

WHY DO THEY CALL MICHAEL JORDAN 'THE GOAT'?
IT STANDS FOR 'GREATEST OF ALL TIME'.
THAT'S WHAT 'GOAT' MEANS?
YEP.
I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS HEADED.
THE GOAT DOESN'T LIKE YOUR TONE.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST...WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M TIRED OF HOW US CYCLISTS ARE PORTRAYED IN THIS COMIC STRIP.
WE'RE FITNESS ENTHUSIASTS, NOT JACK-THE-RIPPER-TYPE PSYCHOS WHO SNEAK UP BEHIND PEOPLE AND KILL THEM.
OH, YOU COULD NEVER BE THAT.
THANK YOU.
BECAUSE AS YOU SNUCK UP, YOU'D SHOUT OUT 'ON YOUR LEFT.'
UN-THANK YOU.
OTHERWISE, I SEE SIMILARITIES.

OH, I SEE... AS FOR AN IMMIGRANT TO BECOME A CITIZEN AND BE ABLE TO VOTE, DO THEY HAVE TO TAKE A TEST?
YES, A CIVICS TEST.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GONNA HELP US CHOOSE OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS, YOU HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE.
DO THE ELECTED OFFICIALS NEED TO TAKE A TEST?
NO. THEY CAN BE TOTAL MORONS.
THE MORE I KNOW, THE LESS I UNDERSTAND.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO COME TO MY ALL-NIGHT POKER GAME TONIGHT?
CAN'T.
I HAVE TO WAIT BY THE PHONE.
WHAT FOR?
THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE NOTIFIES ALL NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS BY PHONE AT 2 A.M. TONIGHT.
I NEED FRIENDS WITH SMALLER EGOS.

WELL, I'M OFF ON MY BIG BOOK TOUR.
WHERE TO?
I START IN DANVILLE, CALIFORNIA, THEN BROOKLYN, CHICAGO, DETROIT, AKRON, WASHINGTON, DC, ORLANDO, ATLANTA, ST.LOUIS, MEMPHIS, NEW ORLEANS, HOUSTON, DENVER, PHOENIX, SAN DIEGO, SACRAMENTO, PORTLAND, AND SEATTLE.
WOW, WHAT DOES THAT INVOLVE?
WELL, I FLY TO EACH CITY AND SPEAK TO A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE. THEN I MEET THEM AND SIGN THEIR BOOKS.
GEE, WHAT A HUGE OPERATION. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
YEAH, WELL. IT'S PRETTY INVOLVED, BUT SURE. ASK ME ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO MEET YOU?
FUNNY. MY FAMILY ASKED THE SAME THING.
WE SHOULD SUBMIT THAT TO 'UNSOLVED MYSTERIES'

YOU EVER THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE CHANGES TO YOUR PERSONALITY?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
WELL, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, PEOPLE TEND TO AVOID YOU.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO AVOID ME ARE THE ONES WHO'VE MET ME.
SO STAYING HOME IS KEY TO YOUR POPULARITY?
IT SURE HELPS.

HI...WHAT CAN I GET YOU!
I DON'T REALLY CARE...WHATEVER YOU RECOMMEND.
I HAVE A HUNDRED THINGS TO DO. NONE OF WHICH ARE TO GUESS WHAT A TOTAL STRANGER MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE...SO WHAT DO I RECOMMEND? I RECOMMEND YOU ORDER SOMETHING BEFORE I CLIMB OVER THIS COUNTER AND KICK YOU IN THE NOSE.
YOU MAY NOT BE A GOOD FIT IN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE INDUSTRY.
I AM. IT'S THE CUSTOMERS WHO AREN'T.

HELLO, BOSS. I HEAR THERE'S A LABOR SHORTAGE. SO I'VE COME TO REAPPLY FOR MY OLD JOB SO I CAN SERVE FINE COFFEE TO FINE PEOPLE.
THAT'S GREAT. WE NEED HELP.
TERRIFIC... SO NOW YOU PAY A LIVING WAGE AND BENEFITS?
DEFINITELY NOT.
GET YOUR OWN MACCHIATOS YOU FAT, ENTITLED SNOBS.
I DON'T INTERVIEW WELL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE ROLE OF THE MEDIA IN A DEMOCRACY
TO HOLD THE RICH AND POWERFUL ACCOUNTABLE.
AND WHAT IF THE RICH AND POWERFUL MAKE IT A POINT TO BUY UP ALL THAT MEDIA?
THIS IS WHY I DON'T GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

WELL, NEXT WEEK IS MY TENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
THAT'S GREAT, NEIGHBOR NANCY. WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF MARRIAGE?
HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SHARE YOUR BED.
WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF MARRIAGE?
HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SHARE YOUR BED.
I'M GUESSING SOMEONE SNORES.
I WANT TO HIT HIM WITH A HAMMER.

I MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES IN MY LIFE.
THAT'S OKAY, PIG... AS LONG AS YOU LEARN FROM THEM.
I DO.
I LEARN THAT I'M STUPID AND MAKE LOTS OF THEM.
I MEAN LEARN NOT TO MAKE THEM.
OH, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

*COUGH* *COUGH*
I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU HAVE IS FAIRLY SERIOUS.
I'M REALLY SORRY. YOU'RE OUT OF SICK DAYS AND I JUST CAN'T KEEP YOU.
YOUR RENT'S PAST DUE. I GOTTA KICK YOU OUT.
HEY, MAN, ANY CHANCE I CAN STAY WITH YOU?
SORRY, I'M IN A STUDIO APARTMENT THAT ALREADY HAS FOUR PEOPLE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'VE LIVED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?
DID YOU EAT A LOT OF GOOD ITALIAN FOOD?
I DID.
THEN CONGRATULATIONS. YOU LED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE.
LIFE IS EASIER THAN YOU'D THINK.

IF YOU'RE JAILED FOR A FELONY, CAN YOU VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
IN MOST STATES, NO.
CAN YOU BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
YES.
KABOOM
SOME FACTS CAN MAKE THE MIND EXPLODE.

BEWARE OF
DOGS
-DANGEROUS-
BEWARE OF
DOGS
-DANGEROUS-
BEWARE OF
PEOPLE WHO MISTREAT
DOGS
AND MAKE THEM
"DANGEROUS."
SOME SIGNS SHOULD BE
A LOT MORE SPECIFIC.

HEY, RAT, I SEE YOU'RE CROSSING OFF DAYS ON THE CALENDAR. WHAT ARE YOU COUNTING DOWN TOWARD? A GOAL? A VACATION?
THE GREAT DIRT NAP O' NOTHINGNESS.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A CHEERY TALK.
I GUESS IT'S A FORM OF VACATION.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I'M GIVING OUT CERTIFICATES OF ACHIEVEMENT TO EVERYONE.
FOR WHAT?
JUST MAKING IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DID IT!
SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST ACHIEVEMENTS ARE THE BIGGEST.

Exercise Goals
for the Weak
I THINK YOU MEAN 'WEEK.'
MAYBE DO
HALF A SIT-UP
IF I CAN AND
FEEL LIKE IT.
NEVER MIND.

HEY, MA. HOW HAVE YOU—
RRRRING
HELLO?
HELLO. WE'RE
CALLING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT AN EXCITING
OPPORTUNITY TO
PURCHASE SOLAR—
TELEMARKETER:
RRRRING
ANYHOW, MOM, HOW HAVE—
HELLO?
HELLO. YOUR
SOCIAL SECURITY
NUMBER HAS BEEN
COMPROMISED...
TELEMARKETER:
SO AS I WAS SAYING—
RRRRING
HELLO?
HELLO. YOUR
CAR WARRANTY
HAS EXPIRED.
TO RENEW—
TELEMARKETER:
IS THIS WHAT
I HAVE TO
LOOK FORWARD
TO WHEN I'M
OLDER?
IF ONLY
MY KIDS
CALLED
ME THIS
MUCH.

WHAT'S THAT THING, GOAT?
BASEBALL SCORECARD. I LIKE TO SCORE GAMES AS I WATCH THEM.
DON'T...GLORIFY...NAZIS...
'SS' STANDS FOR 'SHORTSTOP.'
BASEBALL IS SO CONFUSING.

HEY, MR. MAYOR. I NEED YOU TO PRIORITIZE FIXING ALL THE POTHOLES ON MY BLOCK.
I CAN'T TAKE THAT. YOU'VE WRITTEN "BRIBE" ON THE SIDE.
OH, SORRY.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
DEMOCRACY IS THE GREATEST.

I PETTED THE CUTEST DOG TODAY.
REALLY? I CAN REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE SO AFRAID OF DOGS YOU AVOID GOING TO PEOPLE'S HOMES IF THEY HAD ONE.
NOT ANYMORE. I LOVE DOGS. THEY'RE KIND AND LOYAL AND AFFECTIONATE.
THAT'S GREAT. MAYBE NOW YOU CAN BE MORE SOCIAL.
NOPE.
NOW I AVOID PEOPLE.
OOOH, THEY ARE SCARY.