Pearls Before Swine | Search

ISN'T IT STRANGE HOW AS YOU GET OLDER AND MATURE, YOU SOMETIMES FIND YOURSELF CRYING OVER THE SHEER BEAUTY OF LIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LAUGH.
MAYBE WE DON'T ALL MATURE.
SOMETIMES I CRY WHEN I LAUGH REALLY HARD.

WELL, I FINALLY CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY AND GOT RID OF CABLE FOR GOOD. YES! HOW MUCH DOES THAT SAVE US A MONTH? ONE HUNDRED BUCKS! GREAT! ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE TWO HUNDRED WE NOW PAY TO NINE STREAMING SERVICES! NOT QUITE SURE HOW THAT HAPPENED.

YOU AND ME ARE SO FAR APART POLITICALLY. BUT WHAT'S OVERLOOKED IS THAT THERE ARE GOALS WE HAVE IN COMMON.
FOR EXAMPLE, I THINK WE ALL AGREE IT DOESN'T DO ANY OF US ANY GOOD TO BE MISINFORMED.
I LIKE BEING MISINFORMED.
WE MAY BE FURTHER APART THAN I THOUGHT.
BOOOOO. TRUTH.

HEY, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND, CLIFF. HE'S A RANCHER.
YEP. GOT MYSELF A CORRAL FILLED WITH MARES.
MUST MAKE IT HARD TO GOVERN.
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T ASK.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A FINANCIAL PLAN FOR MY RETIREMENT.
THAT'S SO SMART. YOU NEED THE RIGHT MIX OF STOCKS, BONDS, AND REAL ESTATE, ALL OF WHICH YOU MUST PRUDENTLY RE-BALANCE ANNUALLY.
YEAH.
HOPE RICH RELATIVE DIES.

HEY, RAT, YOU HOPING OR MOPING?
WHAT?
IT'S MY NEW WAY OF MAKING SURE PEOPLE ARE UP FOR THE NEW WEEK... SO ARE YA HOPING OR MOPING?
CRACK
THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR A MONDAY.

HELLO... IS DOCTOR NESS IN?
HE IS. DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
I DON'T. BUT WE'RE OLD FRIENDS AND HE SAID TO COME IN.
MAY I ASK FOR WHAT?
YOU HAVE A NUTRITIONIST NAMED HUGH.
THE DOC ENCOURAGES ME TO TALK TO HUGH
FROM TIME TO TIME ABOUT MY DIET.
AH. WELL, HERE COMES THE DOCTOR NOW.
HELLO, PIG.
HELLO, DOC NESS, MY OLD FRIEND.
I'VE COME TO TALK WITH HUGH AGAIN.
THE SOUND OF SILENCE WOULD BE
BETTER THAN THIS @#$%!!

WELL, GOTTA GO...THEY'RE DELIVERING OUR NEW WASHING MACHINE TODAY.
DIDN'T YOU JUST GET A NEW WASHING MACHINE A YEAR AGO?
THIS ONE REMOVES SINS.
NEW TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING.

I'M TRYING TO BE A LOT MORE OPEN-MINDED THESE DAYS.
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I'M THE MOST OPEN-MINDED PERSON I KNOW TOWARD PEOPLE WHOSE VIEWS I AGREE WITH.
NOT SURE THAT'S OPEN-MINDED.
THAT'S A VERY CLOSE-MINDED WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

YEAH, TABLE FOR TWO.
OKAY. SHOULD BE ABOUT AN HOUR WAIT.
HALF YOUR TABLES ARE EMPTY. WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT'S AN HOUR?
JUST TO FRUSTRATE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
SOMEHOW THE HONESTY IS REFRESHING.

WISE ASS ONE MILE
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, LIFE IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME ANSWERS TO ALL OF ITS MANY QUESTIONS.
YES. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. YES. NO. MAYBE. YES. YES. NO. YES.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE ENJOYING THE MOMENT I'M IN.
THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE THE PRESENT IS A GIFT. WHICH IS WHY WE CALL IT THE PRESENT.
IS THAT TRUE?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.
SO MINE IS THE UGLY SWEATER YOU CAN'T RETURN?
YOU'RE RUINING THIS.
MY LIFE FINALLY MAKES SENSE.

EVERYTHING'S HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!
YOU SHOULD BE VERY, VERY CONCERNED!
CONCERNED? YOU SHOULD BE PETRIFIED!
AAAAHHHH!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

WHAT'S THAT AROUND YOUR NECK?
A LIFE ALERT THING.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU JUST PUSH TO CALL EMERGENCY SERVICES?
NO.
WHAT'S IT AN ALERT FOR THEN?
*CLICK*
YOU ONLY LIVE ONE LIFE! GET OFF YOUR STUPID PHONE AND LIVE IT!!

I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
YOU SHOULD PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. IT REALLY HELPS WITH STRESS.
I DO.
YOU DO?
I'M MINDFUL THAT I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S NOT MINDFULNESS.
NOW I'M MINDFUL THAT YOU'RE BORING.

DIDJA SEE NEIGHBOR BOB GOT ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC BIKES YOU JUST SIT ON AND RIDE?
THAT'S GREAT. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BREAK A SWEAT.
OH, YOU FAT, LITTLE SLOBS.
I GUESS NOT EVERYONE AGREES.
WHAT NEXT, STATIONARY BIKES THAT PEDAL THEMSELVES?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING OUT THIS NEW CONTENT FILTER.
IT KNOCKS OUT EVERY POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT TRIES TO NAG, LECTURE, SHAME OR SCOLD.
CLICK
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.
AND YET WE GO ON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS TO AGE?
AGING IS THE PROCESS BY WHICH WE WHITTLE DOWN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WE WANT TO HANG AROUND WITH UNTIL ONE DAY YOU FIND IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR DOG.
THE GOLDEN YEARS.
THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER YEARS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PESSIMIST AND AN OPTIMIST?
A PESSIMIST IS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IF A BAD THING CAN HAPPEN, IT PROBABLY WILL.
THEN WHAT'S AN OPTIMIST?
A FUTURE PESSIMIST.
I'M OPTIMISTIC YOU'RE WRONG.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

HEY, PIG, WANT
TO GO FOR AN
EARLY MORNING
WALK WITH ME?
SORRY.
CAN'T.
WHY
NOT?
VIOLATES ONE
OF MY CARDINAL
PRINCIPLES.
WHAT'S
THAT?
NEVER USE
EFFORT WHEN
SLOTH WILL
DO.
HOW
HEALTHY.
I'VE
STAYED
PRETTY
DISCIPLINED.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE NEW "YELLOWSTONE" TV SHOW? IT'S GOOD.
CAN YOU HANG ON A SECOND?
HEARD OF IT.
KNOW THE NETWORK.
HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
DON'T KNOW THE NETWORK.
DON'T KNOW THE NETWORK.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
DON'T HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
HAVE FRIEND'S PASSWORD.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
LEARN HOW TO GET SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARNED HOW TO GET IT.
DON'T HAVE SUBSCRIPTION,
LEARN HOW TO GET IT.
AFFORDABLE?
NOT AFFORDABLE.
QUIT.
STOP.
ASK SOMEONE.
THEY'RE TIRED OF YOUR QUESTIONS.
UNAVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA.
I'M GONNA NEED MORE TIME.
MAYBE I'LL JUST READ.
ENJOY SHOW!

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT MOST MEDIA OUTLETS WE FOLLOW ON OUR PHONE OR WHEREVER ARE JUST TOO NEGATIVE?
AND THAT WE TAKE OUR CUE FROM THEM AND MISS OUT ON ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD?
GOOD THINGS? THERE ARE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD?
I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE.
I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE.

PRESENT-DAY GRAVES...
BOB JONES.
BELOVED FATHER
NOTED ENGINEER
GENEROUS
PHILANTHROPIST
FUTURE GRAVES...
BOB
JONES JR.
HAD 1643*
INSTAGRAM
FOLLOWERS
*WOULD'VE BEEN
MORE, BUT GOT
SCREWED BY
INSTAGRAM'S
ALGORITHMS
YOU CAN SEE
IT COMING.
WHOA. HOW'D
HE GET
THAT MANY
FOLLOWERS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I CREATED A HOTLINE FOR DEPRESSION.
THAT'S GREAT. SO THEY CALL AND YOU MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER?
I MAKE THEM FEEL DEPRESSED.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.

HI, GIMME A GRANDE, HALF-CAF, CARAMEL MACCHIATO, NON-FAT, SOY, AT 110 DEGREES. NO WHIP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CONTEMPLATING THE FACT THAT SOMEWHERE IN THAT ORDER IS EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.
GIMME MY ORDER.
FIRST LET'S MOURN OUR DECLINE.