Pearls Before Swine | Search

I FINALLY REALIZED I CAN’T BE HURT BY SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE SAYS UNLESS I LET IT HURT ME.
THAT’S BRILLIANT. AND SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE STUFF LIKE THAT NOW?
I LET IT HURT ME.
BRILLIANT THOUGHTS ARE RARELY HELPFUL.

Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
BUT BOY DO THOSE THINGS KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
BUT BOY DO THOSE THINGS KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
I WISH HE’D GET HIS OWN BOOTH.

UH, THIS LATTE IS NOT AT THE SPECIFIC TEMPERATURE I ASKED FOR.
SO I’LL BE REVIEWING YOU ONLINE.
THEN I’LL REVIEW YOU ONLINE.
‘JOE’S ROASTERY… HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.’
‘BOB JOHNSON… ALWAYS COMPLAINING!’
‘SERVER RUDE.’
‘DRESSES FUNNY.’
‘LOUSY LATTE.’
‘ANNOYING FACE.’
‘DO NOT COME HERE.’
‘HIT BOB WITH STICK.’
‘ZERO STARS.’
‘PLEASE DESTROY HIM BOTH PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY.’
‘HOW DID WE EVER FUNCTION BEFORE THE INTERNET?’

PTUI
MY SPITTING IMAGE.
SOMEONE SHOULD SPIT ON YOUR IMAGE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS,
RAT?
I TRANSLATE THE REAL MEANING OF COMMON, EVERYDAY PHRASES.
FOR EXAMPLE, PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, "LET'S CATCH UP SOON." BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS?
WHAT?
"I HAVE NO INTENTION OF CONTACTING YOU."
I ACTUALLY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IT.
REALLY?
WELL, LET'S CATCH UP SOON.

OH GREATWISE ASS, YOUR SIGN BELOW SAYS YOU’RE NOW CHARGING FOR ADVICE.

DON’T WORRY, PIG. I’LL STILL GIVE YOU ADVICE FOR FREE.
OH, GOOD, BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO KNOW… WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
TO GET AS MANY LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AS POSSIBLE.
I’LL START PAYING.
GOOD CHOICE.

YOU COMING TO MY "PARTY FOR THE ANTISOCIAL"?
WHAT'S THAT?
EACH PERSON GOES TO THEIR OWN ROOM AND COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE PARTIES.
SOUNDS THRILLING.
OH, AND BRING A BOOK TO READ.

OH. HAVE I GOT ANOTHER LONG STORY FOR YOU.
PIG, GOD GAVE YOU TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH. DO YOU KNOW WHY HE GAVE YOU ONE MOUTH?
TO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO SHOVE THE CHEESE.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
TWO WOULD BE SUCH AN IMPROVEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HAVE YOU HEARD OF GENDER REVEAL PARTIES?
YEAH.
WELL, THIS IS AN ENDER REVEAL PARTY, WHERE WE FIND OUT WHICH OF THE MANY LOOMING DISASTERS IS GONNA WIPE US OUT.
LOCUSTS!
NOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
I WAS ROOTING FOR METEOR.

BEEP
BOOP
BEEP
POLICE DEPART-MENT.
YEAH. I JUST GOT MY CAR STOLEN.
OKAY.
WHADDYA MEAN, "OKAY"?
OKAY, I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
DON'T YOU WANT THE PLATE NUMBER?
NOPE.
WHY NOT?
WE DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT STOLEN CARS ANYMORE.
BUT IT'S A $30,000 CAR.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A $100,00 CAR.
TOO MANY OTHER CRIMES TO TRACK. THE WHOLE CITY'S GOING TO HELL.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
FLEE.
HOWS?
JUST GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO. BEFORE THEY TAKE THAT TOO.
BUT
MINE IS GONE.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT STEALING ONE?
THE END TIMES ARE UPON US.

I DESERVE BETTER IN LIFE.
WELL, GO OUT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.
BETTER MEANS NOT HAVING TO DO IT MYSELF.
YOU MAY BE WAITING AWHILE.
I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, GIVE ME WISDOM.
VALUE TIME ABOVE ALL, FOR WHAT YOU CHERISH WILL NOT ALWAYS REMAIN.
IS THIS A REFERENCE TO THE SOCK I LOST YESTERDAY?
HE ASKED ME TO NEVER RETURN.

The moment of waking after a full night's sleep.
The moment you realize it's only 1:30 A.M.
1:30 AM
AND THEN YOU GO ON YOUR PHONE EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULDN'T.
BUT ONLY UNTIL I HATE MYSELF OR THE SUN RISES.

I HATE THAT MORON.

HATE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO HOLD IN YOUR HEART, RAT. SO YOU REALLY SHOULD NEVER SAY, "I HATE SOMEONE."

I LOATHE THAT MORON.

THANKS FOR THE GUIDANCE.

THE SPIRAL
HEY, FRED, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE YESTERDAY, SO I COULDN'T SLEEP. NOW I'M EXHAUSTED AND HAVE TONS OF WORK TO DO.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED MORE COFFEE.
AND THAT'S WHY STARBUCKS OWNS OUR SOUL.
AWW... IT'S ONLY A SOUL.

WELL, WHAT'S IT SAY?
OOOH... YOU WILL BE VERY, VERY HAPPY... THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER SEEN.
IS THAT WHAT YOU TELL EVERYONE?
YES.
ACCURACY IS OVERRATED.

TODAY I, RAT, ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE.
I AM RUNNING FOR THE SAME REASONS MOST SENATORS DO... TO BE RICH AND POWERFUL. BUT MOSTLY TO BE RICH.
FOR ON A SALARY OF $174,000, MANY SENATORS SOMEHOW LEAVE OFFICE WITH TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? LEGACY!!! << HE HE HE >> SOME PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE GIGGLED IN THAT PART.
FINALLY, I PROMISE YOU THIS--IF I CAN EVER DO SOMETHING IN OFFICE THAT BENEFITS ME GREATLY WHILE SOMEHOW HURTING YOU IN SOME SMALL, INCONSEQUENTIAL WAY, I WILL DO IT.
WHY? BECAUSE I CAN'T BE ELECTED WITHOUT YOU IDIOTS! AND WHY I'M CALLING MY CAMPAIGN THE "ON-THE-HEADS-OF-THE-PEASANTS' EXPRESS."
AT LEAST HE'S HONEST.
OKAY, THIS PEASANT IS WIGGLING TOO MUCH. CAN I GET A NEW PEASANT?

DO YOU HAVE A MORAL CODE YOU LIKE TO LIVE BY?
I DO.
WHAT IS IT?
CRUSH ALL WHO GET IN MY WAY.
NOT SURE THAT'S A MORAL CODE.
IT'S THE CLOSEST I GET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED FOR THE BRILLIANT GENIUS I AM.
HOW WILL THAT HAPPEN?
SOMEONE WILL JUST WALK BY AND SAY "HEY, YOU, YOU'RE A GENIUS AND DESERVE BETTER IN LIFE."
NOT SURE IT WORKS THAT WAY.
NOT WITH YOU BLOCKING HIS VIEW.

DAILY VITAMIN SUPPLEMENT
One-a-day vitamin that meets all your vitamin and mineral needs.
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
VITAMINS SHOULDN’T COME IN GUMMY BEAR SHAPES.
WE’LL NEED TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH.

AVERAGE LENGTH OF A NETFLIX MOVIE...
1 HOUR, 37 MINUTES
AVERAGE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES TO PICK THAT MOVIE...
3 HOURS, 42 MINUTES
HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?
SEEN IT.
GO BACK TO THE FIRST ONE.
IT'S THE CRISIS OF OUR AGE.
SO THAT'S WHERE MY LIFE'S PRECIOUS MINUTES ARE GOING.

HOW DOES A CAPITALIST SYSTEM WORK?
WELL, IN THEORY IF YOU WORK HARDER THAN THE OTHER GUY, YOU GET AHEAD.
AND WHAT'S THE OTHER GUY DOING?
WORKING HARD TO GET AHEAD OF YOU.
WHAT IF WE BOTH JUST AGREE TO NAP?
I SUPPOSE THAT'S AN OPTION.
DOES SOMEONE STILL HAND US MONEY?

WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY MONDAY THIS IS!
YOU WERE JUST TELLING ME HOW DEPRESSED YOU'VE BEEN LATELY. ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY?
HECK NO.
FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT.
HOW DO I LOOK?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
GOOD MORNING, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT I HAVE A BUSINESS IDEA I CAN INTEREST YOU IN A NEW YOU.
A NEW ME?
A NEW YOU. 'NEIGHBOR BOB 2.0'. ALL THE FEATURES ARE LISTED ON OUR WEBSITE.
BASICALLY, IT ELIMINATES A LOT OF THE STUPID PARTS, LIKE YOUR TENDENCY TO POST DUMB POLITICAL SIGNS IN YOUR YARD ASKING US ALL TO VOTE FOR SOME MORON.
NOT TO MENTION HOW YOU'RE A BAD NEIGHBOR OVERALL... LITTLE THINGS... CLUELESS. RASH. THICKHEADED. YOU GET THE GIST.
OH, AND ABOUT THAT BOB, VERSION 2.0 ELIMINATES A LOT OF THAT MISPLACED ANGER YOU DIRECT TOWARD POLITICS... WHICH IS REALLY ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL UNHAPPINESS.
THE DUMB ONES ALWAYS REFUSE THE UPGRADE.

HEY,
RAT.
WHAT'S
ALL
THIS?
I'M LIVING LIFE IN THE MOMENT.
SOME THINGS ARE SO OVERRATED.