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THANK YOU, SEATTLE, FOR COMING OUT ON HALLOWEEN EVE FOR THIS BOOK SIGNING. AS YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN ARRESTED TWICE ON THIS BOOK TOUR. I’VE ALSO LOST MY CAR. AND A BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE WAS KILLED. OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S BEEN A GREAT TOUR.
STEPHAN PASTIS BOOK TOUR
THIRD PLACE BOOKS
YEAH, I JUST WANT TO SAY I’VE BEEN A BIG FAN FOR TWENTY YEARS. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR WORK.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY —
TRICK OR TREAT!!
I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.
WHO ELSE IS HERE FOR THE DAV PILKEY SIGNING?

TRICK OR TREAT!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO BE?
WE REPRESENT THE GOOD OL' U.S. OF A.
YEAH, WELL, WE RAN OUT OF CANDY, SO ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THIS BEER.
OH, I'LL TAKE IT!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES THAT BEER COMPANY SUPPORTS?
WHO CARES? IT'S BEER, MAN.
TO HECK WITH YOU. I'M NOT GONNA SHARE A COSTUME WITH SOMEONE WHO DRINKS THAT!
GOOD. THEN GET LOST!
I WILL!
RRUP
AS I SAID, WE REPRESENT THE U.S. OF A.

STORY UPDATE
Cartoonist Stephan Pastis has been arrested for the second time on his book tour, this time for felony drug possession while en route from Phoenix to San Diego.
Hello?
HI, STEPH! IT'S ME, PIG. GOOD NEWS! THE CROCS HAVE AGREED TO FILL IN FOR YOU AT YOUR SACRAMENTO SIGNING TONIGHT.
Well, thanks for taking care of that.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT A BARNES AND NOBLE SHIFT MANAGER HAS BEEN SWALLOWED WHOLE.
Oh, god.
ALSO, WHAT'S THE TERM "LEGALLY LIABLE" MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CHANGING MY OUTGOING PHONE MESSAGE.
I LIKE TO DO IT EVERY FEW WEEKS TO KEEP IT FRESH AND GIVE CALLERS A NICE, NEW GREETING. YOU SHOULD DO A NEW ONE TOO.
HI, YOU'VE REACHED RAT. I HATE THE PHONE AND PEOPLE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
MAYBE KEEP YOUR OLD ONE.

HEY, STEPH. HOW WAS
YOUR BOOK SIGNING IN
TEMPE?
GREAT. NOW I'M
AT THE AIRPORT
READY TO FLY TO
SAN DIEGO FOR
MY SIGNING
TOMORROW.
AND THE BEST PART IS THAT
MARIJUANA IS NOW LEGAL IN
CALIFORNIA AND ARIZONA,
SO I'M TAKING SOME WITH
ME ON THE PLANE.
YEAH, BUT FLYING
IS CONTROLLED
BY FEDERAL LAW.
SO?
SO UNDER FEDERAL
LAW, MARIJUANA IS
NOT --
SOMEONE'S
GOING TO FEDERAL
PRISON FOR A
VERY LONG
TIME.
BUT
SAN DIEGO
WILL MISS ME!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
TO WIN MORE THAN YOU LOSE.
BUT FOR ME TO WIN, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO LOSE. AND THEN THEY'RE UNHAPPY.
I SEE YOUR POINT.
MAYBE JUST SIT AT HOME AND EAT PIZZA.
I KNEW MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.

PIG, HE'S SELLING MY CAR!
ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE'VE HAD QUITE A FEW OFFERS.

HELLO, READERS... GIVEN THAT THIS STRIP IS SO RARELY FUNNY, WE HERE AT `PEARLS' DECIDED TO MAKE BETTER USE OF THE SPACE.
SO GOING FORWARD, THIS SPACE WILL NOW BE USED FOR ADS, WHICH CAN BE YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $10,000.
HEY, PIG. DID RAT FILL IN FOR ME TODAY ON THE STRIP LIKE I ASKED?
...UH...MAYBE JUST FOCUS ON THE BOOK TOUR, STEPH.

GEE, THAT SCREEN SURE IS DUSTY. WANT ME TO CLEAN THAT FOR YOU?
SURE.
THAT REMINDS ME. DID YOU PAY THE CABLE BILL? IF NOT, I CAN DO IT.
THANKS.
GEE, OUR BILLS IN THE FILE CABINET ARE ALL DISORGANIZED. I'M GONNA TRY TO RE-FILE EVERYTHING.
OKAY.
RAT? RAT?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING?
YEAH!
PROCRASTINATION IS THE ESSENCE OF WRITING!
IT'S HOPELESS. THE FILING CABINET IS BROKEN. I'M GONNA GET OUR OTHER ONE OUT OF STORAGE.
ALL WRITERS SHOULD LIVE ALONE.
NOW I HAVE TO REPAINT THAT WALL. NAH. I'LL JUST DO THE WHOLE HOUSE.

I NEVER SEEM TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS IN MY LIFE OR CAREER.
WELL, LIFE IS OFTEN TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK.
YES! THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE.
EXCEPT TWO STEPS BACK, NO STEPS FORWARD.
THAT'S ALMOST THE SAME.
IT'S REALLY JUST ONE BIG DOWNWARD ARC.

HEY, STEPH. HOW'S NEW ORLEANS?
GREAT! GOT A PO'BOY FROM PARKWAY, A MUFFULETTA FROM ALBERTOS, RED BEANS AND RICE FROM JOEY K'S, FRIED CHICKEN FROM COOP'S...
BEIGNETS FROM LORETTA'S, DINNER AT BRIGTSEN'S... AND YOU DRINK- ING AT PORT OF CALL AND--
WAIT A MINUTE. AREN'T YOU THERE FOR A BOOK SIGNING?
I GOT DISTRACTED BY YOUR FOOD!
HAPPENS TO ALL THE AUTHORS.

HEY, PIG, I GOTTA BE IN ST. LOUIS TOMORROW, THEN MEMPHIS. MIND DOING TODAY'S STRIP FOR ME?
SURE. WHAT SHOULD IT SAY?
IT'S UP TO YOU, PIG. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO REACH MILLIONS OF PEOPLE?
I LOVE YOU ALL.

HEY, STEPH. IT'S ME. PIG. WERE YOU ABLE TO GET OUT OF YOUR PRISON CLOTHES FOR THE BOOK TOUR?
YEAH, BUT NO. NOW I'M HERE IN ATLANTA AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M SPEAKING TOMORROW.
OH, YEAH, THE GUY FROM THE BOOKSTORE CALLED AND GAVE ME THE ADDRESS, WHICH I THINK I WROTE DOWN.
OH, GREAT, WHAT'S THE STREET?
'PEACH' SOMETHING.
PIG. THAT'S HALF THE STREETS IN ATLANTA.
OH, GOOD, WE'VE NARROWED IT DOWN.

I THINK I WANT TO BE A WRITER.
THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT. I'VE HEARD THAT WRITERS SPEND HALF THEIR WAKING LIVES JUST WRITING.
THAT'S OKAY. YOU STILL HAVE THE WHOLE OTHER HALF FOR LIVING YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S FOR PROCRASTINATION.
WHERE DO THEY FIND THE TIME FOR SELF-LOATHING?
THAT'S IN LIEU OF SLEEP.

THE COURT LET STEPHAN OUT OF PRISON TO DO HIS BOOK SIGNING IN ORLANDO, BUT HE HAS TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE ANKLE THINGS.
OH, AN ANKLE MONITOR?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE'S GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM... THE PRISON CAN'T FIND HIS CLOTHES.
SO WHAT'S HE WEARING AT THE SIGNING?
MOMMY, THE BAD MAN IS SCARING ME.
JUNIOR! DON'T STAND SO CLOSE!

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ASKING THE COURT TO GRANT BAIL SO YOU CAN ATTEND A BOOK SIGNING IN WASHINGTON, DC.
YES, YOUR HONOR
I'M GONNA GRANT YOU THAT BAIL BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE A FAN OF THE STRIP.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
ONE THING, THOUGH. I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D DRAW ME A LITTLE SKETCH OF JEREMY.
JEREMY, YOUR HONOR?
THE MAIN CHARACTER.
I THINK THAT'S ZITS, YOUR HONOR. I DRAW `PEARLS BEFORE SWINE'.
IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE ELABORATE PUNS?
YES! THAT'S IT!
I SHOULD JUST NEVER TALK.
YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, STEPHAN.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SIGNING BOOKS IN AKRON SOON?
YES, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. I'VE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON.
OH, GEEZ... AND?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'AND'?
I'M WAITING FOR THE BAD NEWS.
MY BEING INCARCERATED IS VERY BAD NEWS!
SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE CHAMPAGNE CORKS POPPING!

HI, STEPHAN. IT'S YOUR MOTHER. WHERE ARE YOU?
IN DETROIT ON MY BOOK TOUR. BUT RIGHT NOW I'M DRAWING ON A BATHROOM WALL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
I DO IT IN ONE BAR IN EVERY TOWN I VISIT. PEOPLE LOVE IT. I'M FAMOUS! HA!
DROP THE PEN AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
DON'T CARE.
IT'S HARD TO DO A BOOK TOUR FROM PRISON.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? THEY DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO REALLY LISTEN TO EACH OTHER.
YEAH, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE--
WHOA WHOA WHOA.
LISTEN.
SO YOU JUST MEAN TO YOU.
THANKS. FEELS GOOD TO BE HEARD.

I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW BUT I'M AFRAID I WONT SUCCEED.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T?
I'LL BE A FAILURE.
AREN'T YOU ALREADY A FAILURE?
I AM!
THAT GUY ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

HI, STEPH, YOU STILL ON THE ROAD?
YEP, I'M HEADING TO CHICAGO NEXT. I'M GONNA GO TO THE BILLY GOAT TAVERN.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE PLACE THAT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE JOHN BELUSHI 'CHEESEBOURGER, CHEESEBOURGER' SKETCH ON 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.'
YOUR SILENCE IS MAKING ME FEEL ANCIENT.
COULD YOU MAYBE LIMIT YOUR REFERENCES TO THE LAST TWENTY YEARS?

HEY, PIG
JUST CALLING TO SEE HOW YOUR BOOK TOUR'S GOING. ARE YOU IN BROOKLYN YET?
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
YEAH, YOU MENTIONED ALL THE LOGISTICAL ISSUES-THE FLIGHT SCHEDULES, AUDIO/VISUAL STUFF, BOOK SHIPMENTS AND BOOKSTORE COORDINATION...WHAT'S NOT GOING RIGHT?
I CAN'T FIND THE HOTEL ROOM LIGHT SWITCH.
THE MAN WILL NOT SURVIVE.
CAN WE JUST PUT ALL HOTEL ROOM LIGHT SWITCHES IN THE SAME &%@#$ PLACE?!

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR, I KNOW I HAVE MANY CASES BEFORE YOU, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD INTEREST YOU IN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID VACATION?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
ALSO I NOTICE YOU HAVE A CASE -- MAY I PAY DOUBLE THE PRICE?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I PAY THE TUITION OF ANY OF YOUR KIDS OR FRIENDS OR RELATIVES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
HAVE YOU READ BOOK X, YOUR HONOR? COULD I BUY 50,000 COPIES FOR FRIENDS?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
AND COULD I GIVE YOU THIS MILLION DOLLARS?
A BRIBE? HOW DARE YOU!
AHHHH... WE HAD ETHICS AFTER ALL.
AND A NICE VACATION TO BOOT.
THE BRIBE SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH,
ARE YOU
ON YOUR
BOOK TOUR
YET?
YEP...DRIVING
TO DANVILLE,
CALIFORNIA..
THEN FLYING TO
BROOKLYN AND
CHICAGO.
OH, JUST SO YOU
KNOW, I PUT A
FEW PUZZLE
BOXES IN YOUR
SUITCASE.
WHAT
FOR?
SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO DURING THE BOOK
SIGNINGS.
PEOPLE DO
COME TO
MY BOOK
SIGNINGS!
THOSE ARE
CALLED
BOOKSTORE
EMPLOYEES.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND DEBBIE. SHE'S FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
OHH... SOUTH CAROLINA. IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR NORTH CAROLINA?
AWW, BLESS YOUR HEART.
SHE BLESSED ME!
WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM THAT'S SOUTHERN FOR DUMBA##?
I. WOULD. NEVER.