Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, GREAT MOUSE ASS. ARIZONA IS ABBREVIATED TO 'AZ' BECAUSE 'AR' WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY ARKANSAS. AND ALASKA IS 'AK' BECAUSE 'AL' WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY ALABAMA. SO WHY...
...IS HAWAII 'HI' WHEN 'HA' WAS PERFECTLY AVAILABLE?
YES!
BECAUSE HAWAII IS MESSING WITH US.
YOU'D THINK A STATE THAT NICE WOULD BE KINDER.

Beep
Beep
Beep
Beep
Boop
Boop
Beep
Thank you for calling Bombast cable. Your approximate wait time is....
...So long you’ll want to punch us in the face.
AT LEAST THAT’S AN ACCURATE ESTIMATE.

YOU ARE A GENIUS, RAT! YOU ARE A GENIUS!
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
I NOW HAVE ALL MY OPINIONS PLAYED BACK TO ME ON A SELF-AFFIRMING LOOP. THAT WAY I ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW BRILLIANT I AM.
I THINK THAT'S CALLED CABLE NEWS NOW.
HEY, ONLY I SAY WITTY THINGS.

YES! WHAT A HIT!! HE CRUSHED THAT STUPID QUARTERBACK!!
I WONDER HOW THAT MAKES THE QUARTERBACK FEEL. BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
YOU MAY BE SLIGHTLY TOO EMPATHETIC TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

WHAT ARE THE WILDEST DREAMS YOU HAVE?
THAT I GET UP IN THE MORNING, HAVE A WARM CUP OF COFFEE AND A NICE COZY BED.
BUT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU EVERY DAY.
YES. I LIVE A DREAM LIFE.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

NOTEMAN STANDS HIGH ATOP HIS MOUNTAIN RETREAT WAITING FOR JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT TO BE THOUGHTFUL.
SUDDENLY, HE HEARS A CRY.
THWACK
She'll always be right there in your heart.
NOTEMAN DOES WHAT HE CAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IT'S AN EXERCISE IN POSITIVE THOUGHT. YOU WRITE DOWN THREE THINGS YOU'D GET RID OF IN THE WORLD IF YOU COULD. YOU SHOULD DO IT.
1) Murder.
2) Disease.
3) Communal tables in cafes.
I FEEL LIKE YOU WASTED ONE.
YEAH, I WAS IFFY ON DISEASE.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE HANGING OUT WITH ME?
MAYBE BECAUSE INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING THEM AS THEY ARE, YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.
THERE ARE TIMES I DON'T DO THAT.
WHEN?
WHEN THEY DON'T NEED TO BE CHANGED.
I THINK YOU'VE ILLUSTRATED SOMETHING.
YES. CHANGE AND YOU'RE FINE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE T.V. REMOTE? I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
NOPE.
OH, NEW... SEE YA.
WHERE YOU GOING?
BACK TO BED FOR THE MONTH. I NEED TIME TO PROCESS THIS EMOTIONALLY.
MENTAL HEALTH IS SO IMPORTANT.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, SOMETHING LIKE 60% OF KIDS HAD TO ENDURE THESE AWFUL TONSILLECTOMIES BECAUSE DOCTORS THOUGHT THEY COULD PREVENT EAR INFECTIONS.
REALLY?
YEP. TURNS OUT IT WAS SOMETHING WE DIDN'T NEED THAT NOBODY LIKED.
YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT FACEBOOK?
ONE INVASIVE PROCEDURE AT A TIME PLEASE.
I CAN'T EVEN REMOVE THAT FROM MY PHONE.

RAT'S
WORD O'
THE DAY:
WORRYBOMB
THE BURST OF WORRY THAT GOES OFF IN YOUR HEAD AT THE EXACT MOMENT YOU TRY TO SLEEP.
KABOOM
NO KNOWN CURE.
CAN A BRAIN BE DEFUSED?

WELL, THE BANK CALLED...
WE GOT THE LOAN!!
YOU GUYS GETTING A HOUSE?
THIS WEEK'S GROCERIES.
OH.
THEY DID PUT A LIEN ON OUR POP-TARTS.

WHY'D YOU WANT TO COME TO THIS HOTEL, PIG?
IT'S NOT JUST A HOTEL. THESE ARE WELLNESS SUITES. EACH SUITE PROVIDES A DIFFERENT TYPE OF THERAPY.
WHO'S THE GUY YOU'RE SEEING?
THE 'CARE' SUITE. THEY FILL THE ROOM WITH REALLY GOOD-PLAYING STEAMING FOOTBALL PLAYERS. YOU USE IT ALL THE TIME.
HELLO, SIR. ARE YOU HERE FOR SUITE WHAT ?
CARE. THE ONE THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS USE.
THERE'S MORE THAN ONE. DO YOU WANT THE ONE FOR Q.B.'S, RUNNING BACKS, O-LINE OR D-LINE ?
SUITE CARE O-LINE. GOOD THING NEVER STEAMED SO GOOD.
I TAKE IT YOU'RE SICK OF PUNS.
I AM... I SAID.

WHAT'S THAT PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF YOUR GARAGE?
MY NEW MOTTO! "IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MATTER IN LIFE."
YOU MADE A BIT OF AN ERROR.
OH, GOAT. NO ONE LIKES GRAMMAR AND SPELLING SNOBS.
SPELLING SNOBS CAN BE USEFUL.
MUCH MORE INTERESTING HIS WAY.
IT'S THE LITTLE THONGS THAT MATTER IN LIFE!

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I'M ACTIVE AGGRESSIVE.
MY MISTAKE.
I GET RIGHT IN YOUR FACE WITH THAT @#$#@.

HEY, PIG... THIS IS MY FRIEND, CAPTAIN TONY. HE SALVAGES WRECKS.
I'LL PAY ANY PRICE.
BOAT WRECKS.
SURELY, YOU CAN HELP THE LIVING.

I JUST TOOK A NICE PHOTO OF A TREE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO POST IT.
INSTAGRAM IS TO BRAG. TWITTER IS TO ENRAGE. AND FACEBOOK IS TO SEE HOW NUTTERS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES NOW ARE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE IT ON MY PHONE.
NICE HAS NO FUTURE.

I DID SOME MATHEMATICAL CALCULATIONS AND FIGURED OUT THAT TODAY CANNOT BE WORSE THAN YESTERDAY.
OH, WAIT, FORGOT TO CARRY THE TWO.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HIDING IN MY ROOM.

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THE INTERVIEW. MY FIRST QUESTION IS HOW YOU THINK YOU PERFORM UNDER PRESSURE.
I'M AT MY BEST UNDER PRESSURE.
HOW SO?
I SCREAM THE LOUDEST.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

THE ADVENTURES OF HONEST ERNEST
FILM LOVERS CLUB
ALRIGHT, DID EVERYONE WATCH THE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN FILM?
YEAH, I THINK IT SHOWS HE’S ONE OF THE BEST DIRECTORS OF OUR AGE.
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT’S ONE OF THE 10 BEST FILMS EVER MADE.
WITH A MASTERFULLY WRITTEN SCRIPT.
AND BRILLIANT CINEMATOGRAPHY.
PACED PERFECTLY.
WITH AN EXQUISITE INTERLACING OF PLOT AND SUBTEXT.
I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ONE THING THAT WAS HAPPENING.
ERNEST IS MY HERO.
HE’S THE LAST VOICE OF REASON.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCAB QUIZ.
Use the following word in a sentence:
doctorate
The fat doctorate too much and hurt his tummy.
THANKS FOR THAT.
Good wordisms is my specialness.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I REALIZED THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO WIN IN LIFE. BUT THAT MEANS SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO LOSE, WHICH MAKES PEOPLE SAD.
SO INSTEAD, I'LL DO ALL THE LOSING, SO HERE'S YOUR TROPHY. YOU CAN FILL IN WHATEVER IT IS YOU BEAT ME AT.
THAT CAN'T FEEL GOOD.
SAYS THE GUY NOT DOMINATING LIFE.

SO I GET A GREAT DEAL
ON TOILET PAPER AT THE
GROCERY STORE AND I
TAKE IT HOME.
THAT'S WHEN I NOTICE IT'S
NOT TWO-PLY. IT'S ONE-PLY.
SO NOW I HAVE TO USE
TWICE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER.
WHICH IS NO BARGAIN AT ALL.
AND THAT'S WHY I HATE
MANKIND.
BIG
LEAP
THERE.
WHAT MONSTER
HATH WROUGHT
THIS INJUSTICE
UPON ME?

WHAT'S ALL THAT AROUND YOU?
MY WORRIES. I TAKE THEM EVERYWHERE I GO.
HE MAY NOT BE FUN AT PARTIES.

Me when I go on the internet:
Me when I scroll right past Wikipedia's plea for $2:
AND YET I STILL DON'T DONATE.
WIKIGUILT IS THE WORST.