Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK I'VE DONE ENOUGH GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE TO ONE DAY GO TO HEAVEN?
WHAT GOOD HAVE YOU DONE?
I ALWAYS CLEAN THE LINT SCREEN ON THE DRYER.
I NEED MORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A THANK YOU CARD TO THIS FORMER NEIGHBOR OF OURS.
THAT'S GREAT... IT'S SUCH A SIMPLE ACT, BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO DO IT ANYMORE. CAN I SEE IT?
DEAR BOB,
THANK YOU FOR MOVING FAR AWAY.
HOW DO I GET IN THESE CONVERSATIONS?
"PLEASE NEVER EVER RETURN."

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE?
OF COURSE.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
JUST MAKE YOUR DREAM GETTING FAT WHILE DOING NOTHING ON THE COUCH.
MY GOD. IT'S WORKING.

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'LL SAVE THE MASK YOU USED DURING THE PANDEMIC AS A STRANGE MEMENTO?
MASK? YOU MEAN MASKS?
YOU USED THE SAME MASK ALL TWO YEARS?
PERHAPS.
HOW OFTEN DID YOU CLEAN IT?
OH, GOODNESS.
I THINK I POSED A GREATER RISK THAN THE PANDEMIC.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
NEIGHBOR BOB WAS JUST IN HERE AND HE SAID HE WAS OFF TO TALK TO A HAMBURGER AND A FRANKFURTER.
YEAH, THEY'RE HIS FRIENDS FROM GERMANY. ONE'S FROM HAMBURG AND ONE'S FROM FRANKFURT.
KNOWLEDGE RUINS ALL OF LIFE'S FUN.

HEY, PIG... I HEAR YOU'VE STARTED A NEW EXERCISE REGIMEN.
YEAH. THE KEY IS TO CHART YOUR PROGRESS.
SO YOU DO A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY?
A LITTLE LESS.
HOPING TO GET TO ZERO SOON.

WISE ***-
ON THE
HILL
OH, WISE ***, I'VE CLIMBED MILES TO BE ENLIGHTENED.
I BEG YOU TO SHARE SOME OF YOUR GREAT KNOWLEDGE.
*SPAM* STANDS FOR *SPICED HAM*.
I HOLD THE WISDOM OF THE AGES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MAKING A LIST OF THE HAPPIEST PLACES ON EARTH.
YEAH, ACCORDING TO THIS HAPPINESS INDEX, IT'S FINLAND, DENMARK AND ICELAND. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE?
My comfy bed.
THE COUCH CAME IN SECOND.

DO YOU EVER WONDER IF ALL EXISTENCE IS JUST A CREATION OF THE MIND?
IT IS. I MADE YOU. AND YOU. AND THAT BUSH. AND WHEN I DIE, YOU ALL GO "POOF."
THAT'S GONNA RUIN MY TUESDAY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I JUST REALIZED THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO HIDE RIGHT HERE IN MY CLOSET.
WHY IS THAT?
SO THIS TERRIFYING WORLD CAN'T GET ME.
IS HE THE CRAZY ONE OR AM I?
I'LL SAY IT'S BOTH OF YOU.

HOW TO TALK TO A PERSON WHO DOESN’T THINK LIKE YOU POLITICALLY
I SEE, WELL, THAT’S A VERY INTERESTING OPINION.
MAY I SUGGEST A DIFFERENT WAY TO LOOK AT THIS?
SURE...
GREAT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL BRING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES TO THE ISSUES.
RIGHT. PERSPECTIVES BASED ON OUR PAST. OUR EXPERIENCE. OUR EDUCATION.
AGREED.
SO I THINK THE POINT IS THIS.
YOU MAY JUST BE A MORON.
NOT LIKE THAT.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HITTING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL A SHOE UNTIL YOUR BRAIN RESTARTS :)
LEAVING NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I HAVE A STUPID AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE TODAY!
WHY IS THAT?
I'M STUPID.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

I NEED SO FEW THINGS TO BE HAPPY.
IT'S SO TRUE. FOR ME IT'S JUST A CUP OF COFFEE AND A SUNNY DAY. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
FOUR MILLION DOLLARS AND A PLANE.
A SIMPLE MAN.
BUT IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT PLANE.

YOU ENTER THIS WORLD WITH NOTHING AND YOU LEAVE WITH NOTHING.
WHY DO YOU LEAVE WITH NOTHING?
YOU FORGET WHERE YOU PUT EVERYTHING.
LIFE IS CRUEL.
YOU DON'T FORGET THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FLYING 'DUCK AIR.' HANG ON... THE CAPTAIN IS ABOUT TO GIVE THE SAFETY BRIEFING.
IF YOU FALL, YOU DIE.
I'VE DECIDED TO SWITCH AIRLINES.

HEY, RAT, I'M LOOKING TO GET FOOD DELIVERED. HAVE YOU EVER USED THE "DOORDASH" APP?
NO. ONLY "DOOR PUNCH."
WHAT'S "DOOR PUNCH"?
WHEN SOMEONE ANNOYS YOU, YOU SEND A PERSON TO THEIR HOUSE TO PUNCH THEM IN THE HEAD.
I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

WELL, RAT, LOOKING AT OUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT, IT APPEARS WE'RE SPENDING MONEY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.
THOUGH, LOOKING AT THE NEWS...
THERE MIGHT NOT BE A TOMORROW!
I LOVE WHEN MY PROBLEMS CANCEL OUT MY PROBLEMS.

DANNY DONKEY WAS UNHAPPY WITH HIS LIFE.
I am unhappy.
My resolution for the New Year is to spend more time with people I don’t like…
Lemme guess…You buy the cheapest ties you can find.
NO.
Why bother with all the Christmas cookies? My neighbor keeps a key hidden in a fake rock!
Napping again? That lawn won’t mow itself!
Aunt Wilma Mr. Williams Jerry Sopor Betty Kantake Cliff Here Ron Shire Enrique Una Joe Fred Evan Nu
NANCY!!
DANNY DONKEY SPENT THE REST OF THE YEAR WITH HIS BOOKS IN A CLOSET.
THAT APPEALS FAR TOO MUCH TO ME.
DANNY DONKEY’S A GENIUS.
COULD I GET CHEESE DELIVERED?

HI. RESERVATION FOR 'HAHN.'
AH, OKAY. GIMME A SEC... IT'S MY FIRST DAY... YEAH HERE YOU ARE... 'HAHN,' PARTY OF ONE... WHICH MEANS YOU'RE...
'HAHN,' SOLO?
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN BE FIRED ON YOUR FIRST DAY?

HOW WAS THAT COMEDY SHOW LAST NIGHT?
OH. MY GOSH, I LITERALLY ALMOST DIED LAUGHING.
OH, MY GOODNESS. SO DID YOU HAVE TO CALL THE PARAMEDICS AND GET THEM TO RESTART YOUR HEART?
HUH? NO. I JUST LAUGHED REALLY HARD.
SO YOU MEANT FIGURATIVELY!!
I'LL END THAT HABIT YET.
I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT FIGURATIVELY MEANS.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, GOAT. I'M CLASSIFYING EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AS EITHER GOOD OR BAD.
BUT ISN'T THAT OUR PROBLEM THESE DAYS? WE FOOLISHLY SEE EVERYONE AS ALL GOOD OR ALL BAD, WHEN THE TRUTH IS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE MORE NUANCED.
GOOD
BAD
GOAT

HEY, GOAT, COULD YOU HELP ME EDIT THIS NEWSPAPER STORY I'M WRITING?
SURE.
The crocodile's sharp teeth tore into the helpless swimmer, severing two of his arms and a leg.
THE STORY'S GOOD, BUT I THINK I'D QUIBBLE WITH THE HEADLINE.
MAN SUFFERS BOO-BOO
TONE IS SO HARD.
TRY "BIG BAD BOO BOO."

HEY, PIG, SINCE WE'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE LIVING TOGETHER LATELY, I THINK WE NEED TO START SETTING BOUNDARIES.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
DON'T COME OVER THIS WALL.
GOOD THING I'VE GOT THE FRIDGE.

I
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY
HOPING ONE CAN WILL THESE THINGS INTO EXISTENCE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZEBRA?
MY TWITTER FEED. ALL THE ACCOUNTS I FOLLOW ARE SUSPENDED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
WHUH HAPPEN IS CROCS BUY TWEETER FROM MOODY BILLIONARE. BUT EES OKAY - WE IS FREE SPEECH ABSOLUTISTS.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE JOURNALISTS I FOLLOW?
DEY NOT SAY NICE TINGS ABOUT CROCS. DEY GONE.
SO YOU'RE JUST BANNING EVERYONE.
NO. ME BAN PEOPLE WHO NO PRAISE CROCS. DEY GUD.
BUT YOU SAID YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF FREE SPEECH. IN WHAT SENSE IS THAT FREE?
ME FREE TO KICK YOU RIGHT OFF.
MAYBE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU BANNED.