Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, THE BILL YOU GAVE ME HAS SUGGESTED TIPS OF 20%, 25% AND 30%.
YES. YOU JUST PICK WHICHEVER ONE OF THOSE TIPS YOU WANT.
OKAY, HERE'S MY TIP.
TIP
Please stop making me feel like the
cheap BASTARD I am.
WE'VE BEEN BANNED FROM ANOTHER RESTAURANT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A KING RULING OVER HIS PEOPLE.
THEY'RE TOYS.
THEY'RE MY SUBJECTS.
RIGHT. SO WHAT'S NEXT? YOU GONNA GET A THRONE FROM WHICH YOU CAN RULE?
DID YOU ORDER A JUMPY CASTLE?
OH, LORD.
YOU CAN JUST CALL ME KING.

GREETINGS, LOYAL SUBJECTS. I UNDERSTAND THERE IS SOME GRUMBLING AMONGST YOU REGARDING THE STATE OF YOUR LIVES.
QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY I SPEND ALL YOUR TAXES ON WARS AND VERY LITTLE ON YOUR CITIES.
HOW I HAVE ONE STANDARD OF JUSTICE FOR STREET LEVEL DRUG DEALERS AND ANOTHER FOR PHARMACEUTICAL DRUG PUSHERS.
AND HOW I TAKE CASH AND GIFTS FROM LARGE DONORS, MANY OF WHOM THEN GET FAVORABLE TREATMENT... REST ASSURED THESE ARE ALL VALID CONCERNS.
HOLY GRAH! WHAT'S THAT CRAZY THING HAPPENING OVER THERE??
DISTRACTION IS THE KEY TO GOOD GOVERNANCE.

AW. A GOOD OLD LEMONADE STAND. I'LL TAKE A CUP.
THIS TASTES JUST LIKE WATER.
THE LEMON AND SUGAR ARE EXTRA.
I LEARNED IT FROM THE AIRLINES.

HEY, MAILMAN MOE. WE'VE GOT A LETTER WE NEED YOU TO MAIL. AND BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
FOOSH
WE SHOULD HAVE TIPPED HIM AT CHRISTMAS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME UNRAVEL ONE OF THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE?
WHAT IS IT, MY SON?
HOW DOES ONE PRONOUNCE "S-P-O-K-A-N-E"?
IT'S EITHER "SPO-KAN," AS IN "SPOKEN WORD", "SPO-KANE," AS IN "CITIZEN KANE" OR "SPO-CAN," AS IN "I CAN NEVER REMEMBER HOW TO SAY THAT &@#$%†*! WORD."
SOME MYSTERIES CAN NEVER BE REVEALED.
CAN YOU ASK HIM HOW TO SAY GONZAGA?

HEY, BETTY BUTTERFLY.
HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. JUST UPDATING
MY PROFILE PHOTO
ON FACEBOOK.
YEAH, I KEEP THINKING
ABOUT DOING THAT, BUT THEN
I THINK, WHO CARES? NONE
OF US LOOKS THAT DIFFER-
ENT AFTER A FEW YEARS.
I THINK SHE'S HAD WORK
DONE.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU'RE A WRITER AND THE IDEAS JUST WON'T COME?
LIKE A BROKEN GUMBALL MACHINE, YOU HIT YOURSELF ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD UNTIL AN IDEA ROLLS OUT.
THE LIFE OF A WRITER IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

SOMETIMES I LOOK AT PUBLISHED BOOKS AND SAY TO MYSELF, "WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?"
YEAH. GOOD POINT.
IT IS, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?
JUST ALL THAT SKILL.
THAT GUY REALLY BOOSTS MY CONFIDENCE.

IN OTHER NEWS TODAY, STATE OFFICIALS HAVE IDENTIFIED A LIST OF OVER SIX HUNDRED BOOKS THEY WANT REMOVED FROM STATE LIBRARIES.
WHY DO PEOPLE SEEK TO BAN BOOKS?
MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THEM.

YES, WELL, THERE'S A VERY SIMPLE SOLUTION TO THAT... IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, DON'T READ THEM.
WHAT DO THEY THINK- THAT BOOKS ARE GONNA SNEAK UP BEHIND YOU AND TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND THREATEN THAT YOU HAVE TO READ THEM OR ELSE?
WE'LL NEED A WHOLE NEW PLAN...

I'M THINKING OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. MY GOAL WILL BE TO PROVIDE FOR EVERYONE'S BASIC NEEDS.
GREAT. LIKE HEALTH CARE AND EDUCATION AND WAGES?
PIG 2024
Better pizza.
More hugs.
THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE AT THE DINER... I'M ALWAYS SO NERVOUS TO MEET GUYS THROUGH A DATING APP THAT I-- ARE THOSE NUMBERS STAMPED ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
YEAH, IT'S MY SHELF LIFE. IT'S THE LENGTH OF TIME A PERSON CAN KNOW ME BEFORE I BECOME ANNOYING.
WHAT'S THE DATE ON IT?
THREE MINUTES FROM NOW.
NO ONE APPRECIATES HONESTY.

HEY, MAILMAN MOE, I NEED YOU TO MAIL THIS PACKAGE FOR ME.
OH, GOOD. YOU'VE WRITTEN "DO NOT BEND" ALL OVER IT.
AND DON'T WORRY. WE MAILMEN DON'T SINGLE OUT THOSE PACKAGES FOR EXTRA STOMPINGS.
MAILMEN ARE A VENGEFUL LOT.

I'VE HAD SO MUCH CHANGE IN MY PERSONAL LIFE OVER THE PAST COUPLE YEARS. IT'S SO UNSETTLING.
SO TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, I'M GONNA GO FIND SOME OF MY OLD RELIABLE HAUNTS... A LITTLE DUNKIN' DONUTS AND DAIRY QUEEN AND KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND MAYBE EVEN TOYS 'R' US!
DUNKIN' DONUTS IS NOW ''DUNKIN'. DAIRY QUEEN IS NOW ''DQ.'' KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN IS ''KFC.'' AND TOYS 'R' US CLOSED ALL ITS STORES.
LIFE IS TERRIFYING.

HEY, RAT, THANKS FOR MEETING ME AT THIS COFFEE SHOP. HANG ON, I JUST HAVE TO ORDER.
I'LL HAVE A GRANDE FRAPPUCCINO WITH SIX PUMPS OF CARAMEL, EXTRA ICE, HEAVY CREAM AND--
OHH. I'M SORRY.
FOR WHAT?
I CAN'T ASSOCIATE WITH ANYONE WHO NEEDS MORE THAN FOUR WORDS TO ORDER COFFEE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DRAW A LINE.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK BAD THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON?
YES.
THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, PIG?
GONNA POST A LITTLE SOMETHING ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS.
I DON’T KNOW WHY SO MANY PEOPLE BRAG ABOUT THESE COMPANIES. YOU GET AN ACCOUNT ENTIRELY FOR FREE WHERE YOU CAN REACH YOUR FRIENDS AND PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS! ALL FOR NOTHING!
OOPS... HANG ON A SEC... HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH MY ACCOUNTS... OH THAT’S OKAY, I’LL JUST GIVE THEM A CALL... WAIT A MINUTE... I DON’T SEE A PHONE NUMBER.
IS THERE AN EMAIL I CAN WRITE TO?... MAYBE A CHAT SUPPORT INDIVIDUAL? NOPE... SURELY THERE’S A PHYSICAL MAILING ADDRESS... WAIT. THERE ISN’T ONE...
HOW ARE SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES THE LEAST SOCIAL OF ALL OUR COMPANIES?
THERE ARE MISSING PERSONS THAT ARE EASIER TO FIND.
SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE THESE NERDS HIDING?

HEY, DON. RAT SAYS YOU'RE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
YEAH, I'M A PRODUCER.
WHAT'S A PRODUCER DO?
PRODUCERS ARE LIKE BLACK HOLES. WE KNOW THEY'RE OUT THERE, BUT THE REST IS A MYSTERY.
SOUNDS INTRIGUING.
EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO.

DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNMENT SPIES ON EACH OF US?
NO. BECAUSE LOGISTICALLY, IT WOULD BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PUT A CAMERA AND MICROPHONE ON EACH OF US.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DISTRUST MY PHONE MORE THAN I ALREADY DO.
THAT WAS GOAT SAYING THAT!

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
YOU'RE BORN. YOU STUFF YOUR FACE WITH PASTA. YOU DIE.
IT DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO LIFE?
BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR FAILURES.
THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL. IF YOU GO THROUGH YOUR DAYS THINKING LIKE THAT, YOU'LL NEVER SUCCEED.
HE JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HEALTH ISSUES?
NOPE. NONE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE NO DOCTOR'S TOLD ME I HAVE ISSUES.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE THEM?
I DON'T.
YOUR LOGIC LACKS LOGIC.
GOOD TO KEEP THOSE GUYS IN THE DARK.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M THINKING OF TRYING THIS NEW THING, BUT I'M SO AFRAID OF NOT DOING IT WELL.
REMEMBER, MY SON, IN LIFE, YOU MISS A HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE.
OH, GREAT. SO I FAIL EVEN WHEN I'M NOT TRYING.
HE IS SO DISCOURAGING.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO ANGRY AT ME?
BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A BIG DEAL IS?! WHEN YOU DECIDED TO-
One of one hundred billion planets in our galaxy. Which is just one of two hundred billion galaxies. Not a big deal.
The 'P' ON YOUR CHEST IS FOR PIG?!
PERSPECTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP ON THE ROOF, RAT?
NEIGHBOR BOB’S BEEN ANNOYING ME, SO I’M GONNA DROP THIS SACK OF POTATOES I’M HOLDING ON HIS HEAD.
C'MON, RAT, LET IT GO.
THWACK
OHH, GAWD!!
YOU GIVE GREAT ADVICE.