Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don't have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look, obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?
OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?
ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A P.I.
AHHHH!! WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
I NEVER KNOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPER AND YOU DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO ME.
OH, RIGHT. I JUST GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA NOW.
YEAH. WELL, WE'RE THE ONLY JOURNALISTS COVERING YOUR TOWN. NOT TO MENTION WATCHING OVER YOUR LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
SO?
SO WITHOUT YOU WE GO AWAY, AND THERE WILL BE NO ONE LEFT TO DO THAT JOURNALISM.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
DID I MENTION THAT IT'S HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM?
WE SUBSCRIBE TO THE NEWSPAPER NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
USING TINDER TO FIND A DATE. DO YOU EVER USE IT?
NO. I DON'T WANT TO RISK MEETING ANYONE WHO MIGHT DISAGREE WITH MY OPINIONS OR CHALLENGE MY BELIEFS.
SO I USE "FIND A TOADY." IT'S AN APP THAT MATCHES YOU WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU THINK OR SAY.
YOU NEED HELP.
YOU'D MAKE A VERY BAD TOADY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AN ANGRY DRIVER AGGRESSIVELY CUTS YOU OFF? SWEAR AT THEM? MAKE A RUDE GESTURE? CUT THEM OFF IN RETURN?
I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE THEM SO HOSTILE AND UNHAPPY.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.
NO, BUT I'M TRYING TO BE.

Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for Next Week
Actually go inside it.
I'M MAKING REAL PROGRESS.

TELEPHONE.
HELLO.
HEY, PIG. IT'S YOUR PAL. I RAN INTO A BIT OF BAD LUCK. LOST SOME MONEY. JUST NEED A LITTLE CASH TO GET ME THROUGH THE WEEK.
HOW MUCH DID YOU LOSE?
FORTY-FOUR BILLION BUYING TWITTER.
I WISH ELON WOULD STOP CALLING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP OF COMICS?
I THINK IT'S WRONG, AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY I WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.
YOUR SMILE IS THE AMAZON LOGO.
HEY, DON'T TRY MAKING A prime EXAMPLE OUT OF ME.

WHAT IS ALL THIS, PIG?
IT'S A CHARITY DRIVE TO HELP RAISE MONEY FOR ELON MUSK.
HELP ELON
WHAT FOR?
HE NEEDS EIGHT BUCKS FROM EACH VERIFIED TWITTER USER TO HELP MAKE HIS PURCHASE OF TWITTER FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL.
BUT I HAVE ALMOST NOTHING AND HE IS LITERALLY THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
I MAY HAVE WASTED AN AFTERNOON.

gotcha
computer tech support.
yeah, i'm calling about a problem with my stupid hard drive.
nope. not an issue with our computer. call the maker of the software.
nope. hardware.
software.
hardware.
wanna swear?
AAAAHHHH
buyer beware.
earthen-hare!
so unfair!

WHO DO YOU THINK ARE THE GREATEST FICTIONAL CHARACTERS OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY?
WELL, YOU HAVE HOLDEN CAULFIELD, JAY GATSBY, SHERLOCK HOLMES, SCOUT FINCH, ATTICUS FINCH... HARD TO THINK OF MANY WITH A BIGGER IMPACT.
GOOD GRIEF. WHO'S THE SAD KID?
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BACK.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF TO ENJOY A RELAXING VACATION TO REVIVE THE SOUL AND LIFT MY SPIRITS!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE LUGGAGE.
I'M JUST GETTING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR AN HOUR.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP?
CAN'T SLEEP. WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING.
HEALTH? MONEY? RELATIONSHIPS?
THERE ARE 4500000000 TURKEYS IN THE WORLD. WHAT IF THEY ALL TURNED ON US?

I HAVE TO GIVE
A SPEECH INTRO-
DUCING SOMEONE,
BUT I'M NOT SURE
IF IT'S THE RIGHT
LENGTH.
'LEMME
SEE...'
HI, EVERYONE, IT'S AN HONOR TO INTRODUCE
OUR NEXT GUEST. IF YOU'LL JUST INDULGE ME,
HERE IS HIS INCREDIBLE BACKGROUND. FOUR
YEARS AT BERKELEY, THREE AT UCLA, SEVEN
YEARS TEACHING AT GEORGETOWN. WINNER OF
TWO PULITZER PRIZES AND FOUR DISTINGUISHED
FELLOWSHIPS. AN AVID FISHERMAN. FATHER
OF FOUR CHILDREN. DEVOTED COLLECTOR OF
STAMPS AND MODEL TRAINS. HERO TO MILLIONS.
HELP ME GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR GUEST,
THE INCOMPARABLE NED JOHNSON.
HI... HERE'S NED
EDITING
IS SUCH
A SKILL.
OR JUST
POINT AND
SAY "NED!"

Goals for the next ten years of my life:
HAPPINESS
I THINK LIFE GOALS HAVE TO BE A LOT MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT.
WRITE
WRITE
WRITE
Lotsa HAPPINESS

HEY, GOAT, HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THIS REALLY GOOD JOE ROGAN PODCAST WHERE HE INTERVIEWS—
YOU LISTEN TO JOE ROGAN?
AHH YOU LITTLE RIGHT WING PIECE OF—
DEFEND YOUR PODCAST LISTENING CHOICES!
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?
I'M TAKING YOUR LATTE. WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND.

WHAT'S THAT THING, PIG?
IT'S MY HANDY-DANDY "DAY PREDICTOR." LET'S YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DAY YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE.
STUPENDOUS!
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
STUPENDOUS
Wonderful! Great
Terrific THE BEST!
TREMENDOUS FANTASTIC
AMAZING!!
OPTIMISTS ARE A DIFFERENT BREED.

HEY, RAT, NEIGHBOR BOB'S AT THE DOOR. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TO HIS BABY'S GENDER REVEAL PARTY.
ASK HIM TO JUST TELL US THE GENDER LIKE WE DID IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS, BEFORE THE WHOLE WORLD BECAME ONE BIG, SELF-CONGRATULATORY EXTRAVAGANZA.
HE SAYS WE'RE NO LONGER INVITED.
MALE, YOU @#!<

THANKS FOR COMING IN TODAY, PIG. LISTEN... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DOORS THAT LEAD OUT OF OUR OFFICE? ARE THEY WIDE ENOUGH? EASY ENOUGH TO OPEN?
YEAH, I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.
I NEVER LIKE EXIT INTERVIEWS.

HELP. CAN NEVER DECIDE WHICH NETFLIX MOVIE TO WATCH.
GOD BLESS
THESE ARE HARD TIMES.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, PLEASE HELP ME. I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL.
YOU JUST NEED TO PROJECT CONFIDENCE.
I'M CONFIDENT I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL!
DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HELPED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING GREETING CARDS. I'VE GOT A GREAT MARKET NICHE.
WHAT'S THE NICHE?
WELL, HALLMARK HAS "WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST."
AND YOU?
"WHEN YOU DON'T QUITE CARE THAT MUCH."
I DON'T THINK I WANT ONE.
CARE TO SEE MY LINE OF "I DON'T GIVE A @#$%^&*?

Things I'm looking forward to today:
- Stubbed toe!
- Huge bill!
- Dented fender!
A LOW BAR IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.