Pearls Before Swine | Search

Things I'm looking forward to today:
- Stubbed toe!
- Huge bill!
- Dented fender!
A LOW BAR IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.

IT'S 8 A.M. I'M AT MY DESK. AND I'M GONNA DO A FULL DAY OF WORK.
AW. YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH ME -- YOUR PHONE?
I DO NOT. I PICK YOU UP AND SOMEHOW I END UP WASTING A WHOLE DAY.
JUST CHECK FACEBOOK.
NO.
INSTAGRAM?
NO.
WhatsApp?
NO.
PODCASTS?
NO.
CANDY CRUSH?
NO!
BUT, OKAY, SURELY YOU NEED TO CHECK EMAIL. IT COULD BE REALLY IMPORTANT.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE. LIL, LET ME JUST DO THAT.
YOU
KNOW
THE
REST.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
5:00
UGH.
MY LIFE IS USELESS.
HEY, AT LEAST BOOZE ONLY KILLS.

I'VE
BEEN SO
UNHAPPY
LATELY.
OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THAT
FAMOUS QUOTE BY
HENRY DAVID THOREAU.
WHAT'S
THAT?
'THE MASS OF
NON-CYCLISTS LEAD
LIVES OF QUIET
DESPERATION.'
I THINK YOU
CHANGED
SOMETHING.
DON'T MAKE ME
GO ALL 'UNCIVIL
DISOBEDIENCE'
ON YOUR @$$.

WHEN I GO OTHER PLACES AND WALK AROUND, I SEE A LOT OF THINGS THAT ARE REALLY GREAT.
BUT IF YOU LOOK ON SOCIAL MEDIA, THEY SOMEHOW MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM BAD, BAD, BAD. IT'S LIKE THIS DISTORTED VERSION OF REALITY.
THINK OF SOCIAL MEDIA AS A FUNHOUSE MIRROR, BUT WITHOUT THE FUN.
I NEED TO GO TO A DIFFERENT CARNIVAL.
THIS ONE'S MORE OF A HOUSE OF HORRORS.

Dear Powers-That-Be in-the-Universe...
Every day we lose thousands of brain cells.
So why am I not losing weight?
I NEED ANSWERS.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO ALWAYS BE SO NICE TO OTHERS, PIG?
BECAUSE I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN WHEN I DIE.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK HEAVEN IS ?
HEAVEN IS ONE BIG PANTRY FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE WHERE YOU CAN EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DIE TWICE.
I MAY START BEING GOOD.

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION: I am not responsible for other people's happiness.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT REALIZATION.
I did, however, cause their sadness.
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING.
IT'S SORT OF A SPECIAL SKILL.

MY APPROACH TO THE DAY AHEAD OF ME…
I CAN DO IT!
I CAN DO IT!
I CAN DO IT!
BED IS ALWAYS AN OPTION.
Zzzzzz

I'm desperate.
I'm desperate.
WHAT ARE YOU DESPERATE FOR?
ACCEPTANCE. CONNECTION. AFFECTION. MEANING. LOVE. THESE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN SO TOUGH.
YEAH, WELL, PEOPLE AREN'T DRAWN TO SOMEONE WHO'S DESPERATE.
WHAT ARE THEY DRAWN TO?
CONFIDENCE. EVERYONE LOVES CONFIDENCE.
WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE
I'm confident that I'm desperate.

ISN'T IT STRANGE HOW AS YOU GET OLDER AND MATURE, YOU SOMETIMES FIND YOURSELF CRYING OVER THE SHEER BEAUTY OF LIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LAUGH.
MAYBE WE DON'T ALL MATURE.
SOMETIMES I CRY WHEN I LAUGH REALLY HARD.

WELL, I FINALLY CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY AND GOT RID OF CABLE FOR GOOD. YES! HOW MUCH DOES THAT SAVE US A MONTH? ONE HUNDRED BUCKS! GREAT! ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE TWO HUNDRED WE NOW PAY TO NINE STREAMING SERVICES! NOT QUITE SURE HOW THAT HAPPENED.

YOU AND ME ARE SO FAR APART POLITICALLY. BUT WHAT'S OVERLOOKED IS THAT THERE ARE GOALS WE HAVE IN COMMON.
FOR EXAMPLE, I THINK WE ALL AGREE IT DOESN'T DO ANY OF US ANY GOOD TO BE MISINFORMED.
I LIKE BEING MISINFORMED.
WE MAY BE FURTHER APART THAN I THOUGHT.
BOOOOO. TRUTH.

HEY, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND, CLIFF. HE'S A RANCHER.
YEP. GOT MYSELF A CORRAL FILLED WITH MARES.
MUST MAKE IT HARD TO GOVERN.
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T ASK.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A FINANCIAL PLAN FOR MY RETIREMENT.
THAT'S SO SMART. YOU NEED THE RIGHT MIX OF STOCKS, BONDS, AND REAL ESTATE, ALL OF WHICH YOU MUST PRUDENTLY RE-BALANCE ANNUALLY.
YEAH.
HOPE RICH RELATIVE DIES.

HEY, RAT, YOU HOPING OR MOPING?
WHAT?
IT'S MY NEW WAY OF MAKING SURE PEOPLE ARE UP FOR THE NEW WEEK... SO ARE YA HOPING OR MOPING?
CRACK
THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR A MONDAY.

HELLO... IS DOCTOR NESS IN?
HE IS. DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
I DON'T. BUT WE'RE OLD FRIENDS AND HE SAID TO COME IN.
MAY I ASK FOR WHAT?
YOU HAVE A NUTRITIONIST NAMED HUGH.
THE DOC ENCOURAGES ME TO TALK TO HUGH
FROM TIME TO TIME ABOUT MY DIET.
AH. WELL, HERE COMES THE DOCTOR NOW.
HELLO, PIG.
HELLO, DOC NESS, MY OLD FRIEND.
I'VE COME TO TALK WITH HUGH AGAIN.
THE SOUND OF SILENCE WOULD BE
BETTER THAN THIS @#$%!!

WELL, GOTTA GO...THEY'RE DELIVERING OUR NEW WASHING MACHINE TODAY.
DIDN'T YOU JUST GET A NEW WASHING MACHINE A YEAR AGO?
THIS ONE REMOVES SINS.
NEW TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING.

I'M TRYING TO BE A LOT MORE OPEN-MINDED THESE DAYS.
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I'M THE MOST OPEN-MINDED PERSON I KNOW TOWARD PEOPLE WHOSE VIEWS I AGREE WITH.
NOT SURE THAT'S OPEN-MINDED.
THAT'S A VERY CLOSE-MINDED WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

YEAH, TABLE FOR TWO.
OKAY. SHOULD BE ABOUT AN HOUR WAIT.
HALF YOUR TABLES ARE EMPTY. WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT'S AN HOUR?
JUST TO FRUSTRATE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
SOMEHOW THE HONESTY IS REFRESHING.

WISE ASS ONE MILE
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, LIFE IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME ANSWERS TO ALL OF ITS MANY QUESTIONS.
YES. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. YES. NO. MAYBE. YES. YES. NO. YES.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE ENJOYING THE MOMENT I'M IN.
THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE THE PRESENT IS A GIFT. WHICH IS WHY WE CALL IT THE PRESENT.
IS THAT TRUE?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.
SO MINE IS THE UGLY SWEATER YOU CAN'T RETURN?
YOU'RE RUINING THIS.
MY LIFE FINALLY MAKES SENSE.

EVERYTHING'S HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!
YOU SHOULD BE VERY, VERY CONCERNED!
CONCERNED? YOU SHOULD BE PETRIFIED!
AAAAHHHH!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

WHAT'S THAT AROUND YOUR NECK?
A LIFE ALERT THING.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU JUST PUSH TO CALL EMERGENCY SERVICES?
NO.
WHAT'S IT AN ALERT FOR THEN?
*CLICK*
YOU ONLY LIVE ONE LIFE! GET OFF YOUR STUPID PHONE AND LIVE IT!!

I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
YOU SHOULD PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. IT REALLY HELPS WITH STRESS.
I DO.
YOU DO?
I'M MINDFUL THAT I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S NOT MINDFULNESS.
NOW I'M MINDFUL THAT YOU'RE BORING.

DIDJA SEE NEIGHBOR BOB GOT ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC BIKES YOU JUST SIT ON AND RIDE?
THAT'S GREAT. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BREAK A SWEAT.
OH, YOU FAT, LITTLE SLOBS.
I GUESS NOT EVERYONE AGREES.
WHAT NEXT, STATIONARY BIKES THAT PEDAL THEMSELVES?