Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU SEE THE WARRIORS GAME?
THE WARRIORS GAME IS DVR’ED, AS I WAS HOPING TO ENJOY IT LATER. UNSPOILED BY KNOWLEDGE OF ITS OUTCOME. MAY I ASK WHY YOUR ARMS ARE RAISED?
YOGA MOVE.
THIS YOGA MOVE IS CALLED ‘DOWNWARD BAT’.
HEY, GOTTA GO DO MORE YOGA.

Dear life,
You are filled
with too many
horrible
surprises.
So I have a
suggestion.
How 'bout you run
each of these events
by me first and
I'll let you know
if they're a go.
THIS WILL BE A NICE
CHECK ON THE SYSTEM.

HELLO, FOLKS. EVER LOSE A BUCK DOING SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS? SOMETHING RASH? SOMETHING DUMB?
WELL, IMAGINE LOSING FORTY-FOUR BILLION OF THOSE. SO PLEASE, DONATE YOUR EIGHT DOLLARS TODAY.
CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE'S ON T.V., HOLDING A TELETHON TO RAISE MONEY.
RAISE MONEY FOR WHAT?
THE NEEDY.
First Annual ELONATHON
PLEASE, FOLKS, YOUR EIGHT DOLLARS CAN HELP.
FUNDRAISING GOAL: $44 BILLION

HEY, PIG. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
PLAYING TRIVIA AT THE PUB. EVERY TUESDAY IS TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT.
OH, YEAH? HOW'D YOUR TEAM DO?
OH. GOSH. NO IDEA. I JUST PLAY FOR FUN.
WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.

WELL, RAT, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL ARE NOT GREAT. I THINK IT'S THE PRODUCT OF TOO MUCH STRESS.
WHAT DO I DO?
YOU'LL NEED TO TAKE STEPS TO REDUCE IT.
OTHER THAN SMOKING.
REALLY HELPS, DOC.

GOING THROUGH YOUR CHRISTMAS CARDS?
YEAH, RAT SAYS HE SENT ME ONE, BUT I HAVEN’T FOUND IT YET.
’Tis the glorious season of giving.
HO HO HO AND A HAPPY HOLIDAY TO YOU!
May your Christmas be blessed and bright.
CHRISTMAS STRESSES THE FREAKING BEJEZZERS OUT OF ME.
I THINK I FOUND IT.

I HEARD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BECAUSE SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU. WHEN IT COMES TO PIZZA TOPPINGS, IT'S ANCHOVIES OR NOTHING.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I BROKE UP WITH PIGITA. WE FINALLY HIT UPON AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT WE JUST COULDN'T GET PAST.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT WAS IT?
SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
HAWAIIAN STYLE. THE WORST.
WE'VE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don't have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look, obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?
OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?
ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A P.I.
AHHHH!! WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
I NEVER KNOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPER AND YOU DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO ME.
OH, RIGHT. I JUST GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA NOW.
YEAH. WELL, WE'RE THE ONLY JOURNALISTS COVERING YOUR TOWN. NOT TO MENTION WATCHING OVER YOUR LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
SO?
SO WITHOUT YOU WE GO AWAY, AND THERE WILL BE NO ONE LEFT TO DO THAT JOURNALISM.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
DID I MENTION THAT IT'S HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM?
WE SUBSCRIBE TO THE NEWSPAPER NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
USING TINDER TO FIND A DATE. DO YOU EVER USE IT?
NO. I DON'T WANT TO RISK MEETING ANYONE WHO MIGHT DISAGREE WITH MY OPINIONS OR CHALLENGE MY BELIEFS.
SO I USE "FIND A TOADY." IT'S AN APP THAT MATCHES YOU WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU THINK OR SAY.
YOU NEED HELP.
YOU'D MAKE A VERY BAD TOADY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AN ANGRY DRIVER AGGRESSIVELY CUTS YOU OFF? SWEAR AT THEM? MAKE A RUDE GESTURE? CUT THEM OFF IN RETURN?
I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE THEM SO HOSTILE AND UNHAPPY.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.
NO, BUT I'M TRYING TO BE.

Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for the Week
Go to the gym.
Exercise Goal for Next Week
Actually go inside it.
I'M MAKING REAL PROGRESS.

TELEPHONE.
HELLO.
HEY, PIG. IT'S YOUR PAL. I RAN INTO A BIT OF BAD LUCK. LOST SOME MONEY. JUST NEED A LITTLE CASH TO GET ME THROUGH THE WEEK.
HOW MUCH DID YOU LOSE?
FORTY-FOUR BILLION BUYING TWITTER.
I WISH ELON WOULD STOP CALLING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP OF COMICS?
I THINK IT'S WRONG, AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY I WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.
YOUR SMILE IS THE AMAZON LOGO.
HEY, DON'T TRY MAKING A prime EXAMPLE OUT OF ME.

WHAT IS ALL THIS, PIG?
IT'S A CHARITY DRIVE TO HELP RAISE MONEY FOR ELON MUSK.
HELP ELON
WHAT FOR?
HE NEEDS EIGHT BUCKS FROM EACH VERIFIED TWITTER USER TO HELP MAKE HIS PURCHASE OF TWITTER FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL.
BUT I HAVE ALMOST NOTHING AND HE IS LITERALLY THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
I MAY HAVE WASTED AN AFTERNOON.

gotcha
computer tech support.
yeah, i'm calling about a problem with my stupid hard drive.
nope. not an issue with our computer. call the maker of the software.
nope. hardware.
software.
hardware.
wanna swear?
AAAAHHHH
buyer beware.
earthen-hare!
so unfair!

WHO DO YOU THINK ARE THE GREATEST FICTIONAL CHARACTERS OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY?
WELL, YOU HAVE HOLDEN CAULFIELD, JAY GATSBY, SHERLOCK HOLMES, SCOUT FINCH, ATTICUS FINCH... HARD TO THINK OF MANY WITH A BIGGER IMPACT.
GOOD GRIEF. WHO'S THE SAD KID?
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BACK.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF TO ENJOY A RELAXING VACATION TO REVIVE THE SOUL AND LIFT MY SPIRITS!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE LUGGAGE.
I'M JUST GETTING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR AN HOUR.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP?
CAN'T SLEEP. WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING.
HEALTH? MONEY? RELATIONSHIPS?
THERE ARE 4500000000 TURKEYS IN THE WORLD. WHAT IF THEY ALL TURNED ON US?

I HAVE TO GIVE
A SPEECH INTRO-
DUCING SOMEONE,
BUT I'M NOT SURE
IF IT'S THE RIGHT
LENGTH.
'LEMME
SEE...'
HI, EVERYONE, IT'S AN HONOR TO INTRODUCE
OUR NEXT GUEST. IF YOU'LL JUST INDULGE ME,
HERE IS HIS INCREDIBLE BACKGROUND. FOUR
YEARS AT BERKELEY, THREE AT UCLA, SEVEN
YEARS TEACHING AT GEORGETOWN. WINNER OF
TWO PULITZER PRIZES AND FOUR DISTINGUISHED
FELLOWSHIPS. AN AVID FISHERMAN. FATHER
OF FOUR CHILDREN. DEVOTED COLLECTOR OF
STAMPS AND MODEL TRAINS. HERO TO MILLIONS.
HELP ME GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR GUEST,
THE INCOMPARABLE NED JOHNSON.
HI... HERE'S NED
EDITING
IS SUCH
A SKILL.
OR JUST
POINT AND
SAY "NED!"