Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HAD A WHOLE LIST OF THINGS I WANTED TO GET DONE TODAY AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO HALF OF THEM.
YOU'RE TOO AMBITIOUS. THE KEY IS TO KEEP YOUR LIST REALISTIC.
AS I DO WITH MINE.
WHAT'S ON YOURS?
COMPLAIN
I'VE STAYED PRETTY DISCIPLINED.

HI, MAMA. HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
NOT GOOD. I THINK I BROKE MY BACK.
BROKE YOUR BACK? WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
NOTHING. I WAS JUST STANDING HERE.
I'M A TERRIBLE SON.

Dear Powers That Be in the Universe
Please make my life better.
If not possible, please make everyone else's life worse.
I like to have a backup plan.

Thank you for calling. Please stay on the line as your call is important to us.
So important that we make you stay on hold when we could easily just hire more people to answer the phone.
But that would be less money for us, and that ain't happening, you big, fat, dumb loser.
I FEAR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS DECLINING.

IT'S ALMOST NOON. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED?
GETTING UP IN THE MORNING IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF BEING UP IN THE AFTERNOON.
YOU MAY BE THE GENIUS OF OUR AGE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW CAR.
YEAH, BUT NOTHING FANCY.
IT'S SILLY HOW STATUS-OBSESSED PEOPLE CAN GET ABOUT THEIR CARS.
SAME WITH CLOTHES, HOMES, JEWELRY. BUT I THINK IT'S LESSENING.
I THINK MOST PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED THAT ALL THAT COMPETITIVE STUFF REALLY JUST GETS YOU NOWHERE.
HEY, NANCY. SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DID YOU HEAR MY DAUGHTER GOT INTO PRINCETON?!
MINE GOT INTO BROWN!
STANFORD!
YALE!
DARTMOUTH!
WAITLISTED AT HARVARD AND IT'S KILLING ME!!
IS COLLEGE FOR PARENTS OR THEIR KIDS?
A LITTLE OF BOTH.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE SECRET TO LIVING A LONG LIFE?
NOT DYING.
HIS LOGIC IS IMPECCABLE.

HEY, RAT. I SAW YOUR NEW BOOK CAME OUT. DID YOU SEE THE FIRST REVIEWS ONLINE?
HAHA. NOPE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A CREATIVE PERSON, YOU CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO REVIEWS. YOU JUST FOLLOW YOUR MUSE AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY.
WELL, THAT'S A GREAT WAY TO LOOK AT IT. NOT TO MENTION ADMIRABLE.
THANKS.

Health Quiz
Alcohol is considered a depressant. Explain why.
BECAUSE WHEN I DRINK, I DEPRESS EVERYONE AROUND ME.
I CAN DO IT SOBER, TOO.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST.
HOW WAS YOUR MORNING?
GOOD. BIKED FORTY MILES. ANSWERED THREE HUNDRED EMAILS, AND WROTE A LENGTHY ARTICLE ON MEN'S HEALTH.
I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO THROW OUT AN EMPTY POTATO CHIP BAG.
IS MY CONTEMPT FOR YOU SHOWING?
IT'S THAT TWENTY-FOOT WALK TO THE TRASHCAN.

WHAT I'M STRIVING FOR IN LIFE
- Lots of money
- Big house
- Nice car
- Early retirement
WHAT I'M STRIVING FOR IN LIFE
Leftover pizza
THIS SAVES SO MUCH TIME.

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A SUCCESS?
I DO.
WHAT'S BEEN THE KEY?
LYING TO MYSELF.
WHAT A TIME-SAVER.
SELF-DELUSION IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

WELL, I CAN EITHER GET MY WORK DONE OR GO ON MY PHONE...
GO ON PHONE.
DO MY WORK.
GO ON PHONE.
DO MY WORK.
GO ON PHONE.
WELL, LOOK WHO LOSES AGAIN.
THE DILEMMA OF OUR AGE.
OH, YOU SAD LITTLE PENCIL.

Dear Dad,
Every time I interact with you, I feel like you're critiquing me. And I don't know anyone else with who that happens.
WHOM.
BUT KEEP TRYING, DUNDERHEAD.
PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE COMPLICATED.

I CAN EITHER SAY I HAD A BAD WRITING DAY OR A GREAT DRINKING ONE.
GO WITH DRINKING.
I KNEW I FELT PRODUCTIVE.

HEY, BARTENDER. GIMME A DRINK NOW.

SORRY, SON, GOT OTHER CUSTOMERS AHEAD OF YOU.
DON'T CARE. I WANT IT NOW.
YES, WELL, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
YES, IT DOES.
MUST BE NICE.
COMES IN HANDY.

MA, PA, AL.
OH, HI.
OK?
ME?
STOP WRITING DIALOGUE USING ONLY STATE ABBREVIATIONS.
OR?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
EVERYONE WAS AFRAID OF SAYING THE WRONG THING. BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU WERE OSTRACIZED AND YOUR CAREER WAS OVER.
NOT A NIGHTMARE. REAL LIFE. ALSO, I'VE NEVER MET YOU AND CONDEMN YOUR VERY EXISTENCE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY IN BED.

HOW DO YOU GET THROUGH MONDAYS?
I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT FRIDAY IS JUST THREE AWAY.
OOH, THAT'S GREAT. I--
WAIT... HOW DO YOU FIGURE FRIDAY'S THREE DAYS AWAY?
THE ONE THAT JUST PASSED.
SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME.

DO WE REALLY NEED A "FAIRNESS DOCTRINE" TO ENSURE THE MEDIA WILL BE FAIR?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED CIVICS CLASSES FOR THESE KIDS?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE REGULATING SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES LIKE PUBLISHERS?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED THIS MANY REPORTERS COVERING GOVERNMENT?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED THIS MUCH BARBED WIRE AROUND GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS?
AND THAT'S FOR FAKING THE MOON LANDING!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THEY SAY IF YOU JUST SMILE, YOU CAN ALMOST TRICK YOUR BRAIN INTO ACTUALLY BEING HAPPY FOR NO REASON.
MY BRAIN JUST SAID TO CUT OFF THE NONSENSE.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN ALL-KNOWING GOD?
I DO. I PRAY TO HIM EVERY NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP. I PRAY THE GOOGLE MY SOUL TO KEEP.
I DON'T THINK GOOGLE'S THAT POWERFUL.
WHOA. WAY TO TEMPT THE GOOGLE.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THIS MAYOR SAID ON TWITTER ABOUT OUR COUNTRY'S PROBLEMS?
OH, I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I THOUGHT YOU HAD A TWITTER ACCOUNT.
I DO.
BUT TWITTER'S FOR SHOUTING, NOT LISTENING.
MAYBE YOU'RE OUR COUNTRY'S PROBLEM.
GET THIS... THIS GUY'S A LISTENER.

EVER HEAR OF "STEERING ASSIST"?
YEAH. IF YOUR CAR DRIFTS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IT GENTLY SETS IT STRAIGHT.
YES. WELL, I'VE DESIGNED A SIMILAR SYSTEM FOR HUMANS WHOSE BEHAVIOR DRIFTS OFF COURSE. IT'S CALLED "STICK-TO-THE-HEAD."
I DON'T THINK LIFE WORKS THAT WAY.
OH, BUT IT SHOULD.

OH, WISE ASS, WHY ARE WE ALL SO ANGRY?
ONCE, NETWORKS RAN THEIR NEWS DIVISIONS AT A LOSS BECAUSE THEY SAW NEWS AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
NOW THE NEWS IS PROFIT-DRIVEN, SO THE GOAL IS NOT TO INFORM, BUT TO FEED YOU WHATEVER KEEPS YOU ENGAGED. AND WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE ENGAGED.
THIS IS BAD.
HE SUMS THINGS UP NICELY.