Pearls Before Swine | Search
IN THE NEWS TODAY, FOUR MUGGINGS OCCURRED IN...
A SUSPECTED TERRORIST HAS...
A MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS KILLED...
WAR BROKE OUT IN...
IN THE NEWS TODAY...
9,673 PEOPLE WALKED IN THE PARK WITHOUT INCIDENT.
24,347 PEOPLE ENJOYED THEIR TRIPS TO EUROPE.
2,114,250 PEOPLE WERE HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
AND 75 WARS DIDN'T START.
NEWS THAT PUTS NEWS IN PERSPECTIVE.
I'M SANER ALREADY.
HEY, PIG, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?
SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS.
IF ONLY IT WORKED THAT WAY.
A GUY CAN HOPE.
HOT WEATHER WE'RE HAVING LATELY, HUH?
ANNOYING GUY BINGO
BINGO!
WHAT'S THAT NOW?
COOL IT, PAL. I ALREADY WON.
HI. I JUST PUT SOME MONEY INTO ONE OF YOUR SLOT MACHINES AND IT TOTALLY RIPPED ME OFF.
WATCH IT, PAL...WE DON'T RIP OFF ANYONE.
YEAH, BUT YOU DID. YOU STOLE MY MONEY.
THAT DOES IT. NOW YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THEY MAKE IT SOUND.
WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE AND CHOLESTEROL ARE BOTH HIGH. YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES TO YOUR DIET.
WHAT CHANGES?
WELL, SINCE PROPER NUTRITION CAN SOMETIMES BE A LITTLE CONFUSING, I'VE MADE A CHART TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR MY PATIENTS.
THERE'S A REASON PEOPLE AVOID THE DOCTOR.
HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT GAME WE USED TO PLAY AS KIDS WITH THE TOY GUNS AND ARROWS?
COWBOYS AND INDIANS?
NATIVE AMERICANS. CANCELED.
BUT YOU ASKED ME THE—
PIPE DOWN, MR. ERASER SHAVINGS.
I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT RACE IN THIS SPEECH I HAVE TO GIVE.
YOU'RE CANCELED.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
DOESN'T MATTER.
ERASE ERASE ERASE
I CAN SEE THE APPEAL OF THIS.
WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I NEED YOUR HELP WITH A PROBLEM.
WHAT IS IT, MY SON?
I TRY SOMETHING NEW AND I FAIL. AND I QUIT. SO I TRY SOMETHING ELSE NEW, AND I FAIL AND QUIT. AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE NEW AND FAIL AND FAIL AND FAIL.
SO YOU TRY SOMETHING ONLY ONCE. YOU NATURALLY FAIL. AND YOU IMMEDIATELY QUIT AND TRY SOMETHING NEW. DON'T YOU THINK THE PROBLEM IS RATHER OBVIOUS?
TRYING IS THE ROOT OF ALL FAILURE!
THEN HE CRIED AND JUMPED OFF THE MOUNTAIN.
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD IN THE 1970S THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
I USED TO RIDE AROUND IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY MOTHER'S CAR AND HARDLY EVER PUT ON MY SEATBELT.
SHE WANTED YOU DEAD.
I BELIEVE THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLANNING A BIG PARTY. GONNA HAVE A TON OF WINE AND CHEESE.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MANY GUESTS?
NONE. I JUST WANT THE WINE AND CHEESE.
NOT SURE THAT'S STILL A PARTY.
PLEASE DON'T RAIN ON MY SOCIAL CALENDAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IN THIS WORLD. WE NEED MORE ENERGY, BUT WE'RE DESTROYING THE PLANET.
I THINK THE ANSWER IS NUCLEAR.
YOU THINK THE ANSWER IS NUCLEAR PLANTS?
BOMBS. WE GO OUT ON OUR OWN TERMS.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.
HEY, GOAT. IT’S ME, PIG.
HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?
OH, JUST JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
WHAT?? YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
CLIFF DOESN’T MIND.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT.
WELL. I'M NOW A CERTIFIABLE GENIUS.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I CHECKED MY SOCIAL MEDIA FEED AND SAW THAT FINALLY, EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME.
NO, THEY DON'T. YOU'VE JUST FILTERED OUT EVERYONE ELSE.
PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT.
WE'RE ALL HAVING A MOMENT.
HEY, PIG.
WHERE YOU GOING?
WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO MY HAPPY PLACE.
WHERE'S THAT?
WISCONSIN.
WHY WISCONSIN?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE CHEESE IS.
MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS ANYTHING.
RRRING
HEY, BABE, AFTER WORK TODAY,CAN YOU PICK UP THE KIDS FROM CHILD CARE? THEN WE CAN ALL GO TO FRED’S PARTY.
HONK HONNNK
HONK HONK
HI, BABE--HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I TOLD THE JOHNSONS WE COULD TAKE THEIR KIDS, TOO.
WELCOME!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE "++ELEMENT+"? TELL, YOU MUST TELL!
I MISS THE ISOLATION OF THE LAST TWO YEARS!!
WE'RE ALL AFRAID TO SAY IT.
THERE WERE SOME ADVANTAGES.
AWW. THE GOOD OL' BAD COVID DAYS.
WELL, I'M FINALLY GOING TO THE GYM THREE TIMES A WEEK. I REALLY JUST NEEDED A GUN TO MY HEAD TO DO IT.
WHAT WAS IT?
FRED HERE HOLDS A GUN TO MY HEAD.
SOME GUYS NEED MORE MOTIVATION THAN OTHERS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
OH, HE CAN'T HEAR YOU. HE'S IN
THE "DOME OF DELUSION"... IT'S A
SOUNDPROOF CAPSULE THAT LETS
HIM BELIEVE WHATEVER HE WANTS.
WHAT A
STUPID
IDEA.
IT
REALLY
IS.
I LOVE BEING ADMIRED.
I'M FOREVER FINDING WAYS TO SABOTAGE MY OWN LIFE.
IF YOU RECOGNIZE THAT, STOP DOING IT.
BUT HOW WOULD I FILL MY DAY :)
NEVER MIND.
I DON'T RIP ON YOUR HOBBIES.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO ALWAYS BE SO STRESS-FREE?
I RUN.
EXERCISE?
RUN FROM ALL MY PROBLEMS.
FLEEING IS SO UNDERRATED.
HEY GOAT, DO YOU SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH MY GRAMMAR HERE?
YOUR TENSE.
KEEP MY EMOTIONAL STATE OUT OF THIS.
SOME GUYS TAKE CRITICISM TOO FAR.
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I NEED YOUR HELP.
WITH WHAT?
TO MAKE ANY MONEY IN THIS LIFE, YOU HAVE TO STAY AHEAD OF THE OTHER GUY. BUT I CAN’T STAY AHEAD OF ANYONE.
SO WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME?
CAN YOU ASK EVERYONE ELSE TO SLOW DOWN?
I SHALL REMAIN BROKE.
HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU MET OUR NEW BARTENDERS? THEY'RE BOTH NAMED EARL, SO TOGETHER WE CALL THEM 'EARLS'. THEIR SPECIALTY IS EGGS.
HEY, EARLS, WHAT TYPE OF EGGS YOU GOT?
WELL, WE'VE GOT FOUR... OUR ORIGINAL IS NAMED IN HONOR OF OUR FIRST BORN... COLLIE-ONE. THEN THERE'S COLLIE-TWO, THREE AND FOUR.
WHICH ONE'S YOUR GOOD EARLS?
THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE COLLIE-FOUR.
WELL, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.
I'M AFRAID WE ARE ALL OUT. WE ONLY HAVE COLLIE-ONE, TWO AND THREE MORE PIG. THERE'S NO FOUR.
YEAH, BUT I'M AFRAID THERE'S NO GOOD EARLS.
CAN I EXCHANGE THEM FOR SOMETHING ELSE?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT THEY ALL COULD BE COLLIE-FOUR, NO EARLS.
NOW WE JUST HOPE THE TIDE ROLLS IN.
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?
WHY DOES EVERYONE WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY DOES EVERYONE WORRY? YOU DON'T?
NOT AT ALL.
IF EVERYTHING BURNS DOWN, THERE'S NOTHING FOR THE RISING SEAS TO DESTROY.
YOUR RISK ASSESSMENT SKILLS ARE SOMEWHAT LACKING.
BUY A RAFT. YOU'RE FINE.
GET OUTTA THE WAY! WE'VE GOTTA CALL 9-1-1!
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE COTTON FABRIC ON MY PANTS STOPPED BREATHING.
YOUR HUMOR IS KILLING US ALL.
I THINK THAT WITH 24 HOUR NEWS AND SOCIAL MEDIA ARE THESE DAYS, THE KEY TO THIS COUNTRY IMPROVING IS FOR ALL OF US TO REALLY QUESTION THINGS.
HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S TRUE?
BECAUSE I TOLD YOU IT'S TRUE.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
WE'RE DOOMED.