Pearls Before Swine | Search

MORNING, GOAT. HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD DAY.
UH. SINCE WHEN ARE YOU NICE IN THE MORNING?
I GOT A LETTER FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
Dear Sir,
You have exceeded
your pain-in-the-@##
quotient in this life and
now must be kind.
I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
MY LAWYERS ARE APPEALING.

Work Goals
'WORK GOALS'... SMART... HELPS TO KEEP YOUR CAREER ON TRACK. WHICH WORK GOALS DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Not have to do any.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE OTHER GOALS.

HELP ME, GREAT WISE ASS.
TO DO WHAT?
TO NOT BE SO AFRAID. I SPEND EVERY MOMENT IN FEAR OF EVERYTHING.
TO WHAT END?
TO BE SAFE.
TO DO WHAT?
TO LIVE LONGER.
TO LIVE LONGER WHY?
TO HAVE MORE YEARS ON THIS EARTH!
TO SPEND MORE TIME AFRAID?
FEAR IS STUPID.

LOOKS LIKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS REALLY GETTING BETTER.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT REGULAR INTELLIGENCE? :)
I THINK THAT'S STUCK WHERE IT IS.
SCIENTISTS NEED TO PRIORITIZE.

HAPPY BLOOMSDAY!
WHAT’S THAT?
IT’S A DAY WE CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF THE WRITER JAMES JOYCE, WHOSE NOVEL “ULYSSES” TOOK PLACE ON JUNE 16.
BECAUSE IF THERE’S ONE THING WE SHOULD CELEBRATE, IT’S A BOOK THAT’S 265,000 WORDS LONG THAT NOT ONE PERSON ON EARTH UNDERSTANDS.
I SENSE SARCASM.
AND TOMORROW IS “MY RIGHT FOOT DAY”, WHICH I CELEBRATE BY KICKING ALL BOOK SNOBS RIGHT IN THEIR ARROGANT--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?

FILLING OUT THIS PER-
SONALITY QUESTIONNAIRE.
IT'S ASKING WHAT KIND
OF THINGS MAKE ME
HAPPY.

WELL, NOTHING "MAKES" US
HAPPY. THINGS HAPPEN AS
THEY WILL AND WE CHOOSE
HOW TO REACT. BECAUSE WHILE
EVENTS ARE NOT IN OUR CON-
TROL, OUR REACTION TO THEM IS.

I'LL JUST SAY CHOCOLATE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HANDING OUT FREE BOOKS TO WHOMEVER WANTS ONE.
WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO SHARE THE JOY OF BOOK- READING?
BECAUSE EVERY PROBLEM I'VE EVER HAD HAS BEEN CAUSED BY AN IDIOT.
SOMEHOW EVEN YOUR GOOD DEEDS SOUND BAD.
READ, MORON, READ!

A GRAND IDEA TO IMPROVE THE WORLD:
Everybody but me should change.
AS THE IDEA GUY, I DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I FAILED AT SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... FAILURE MAKES YOU STRONGER.
ME IF THAT WAS TRUE.
IT IS KIND OF A STUPID EXPRESSION.
I'M AS WEAK AS EVER.

THE KEY, REALLY, IS TO JUST ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO BE THEMSELVES.
Being yourself is essential to personal happiness.
LISTEN, FRED, YOU JUST GOTTA BE YOURSELF.
SPIRITUAL RETREAT 'LEARNING TO BE YOURSELF'
THE PROBLEM IN THE WORLD IS NOT THAT PEOPLE AREN'T BEING THEMSELVES! IT'S THAT THEY ARE BEING THEMSELVES!
SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.
YOU SHOULD BE SOMEONE ELSE.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
A MAYFLY. HE WAS JUST BORN, BUT MAYFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR HOURS.
MIDLIFE CRISIS! MIDLIFE CRISIS!
ACK
IT GOES FAST.

THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN! THE FRENCH GIRL WROTE ME AGAIN!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Le
Gal.
SHE WRITES A LOT.
LEGAL. YOU’RE BEING SUED.
THIS WILL HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... I'M DOING A POLL OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AS A NEIGHBOR.
TERRIBLE. MAYBE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. A REAL @%&*@%.
GREAT, SO I'LL PUT YOU DOWN AS 'UNDECIDED.'
POLLING IS A REAL ART.

1. Kindness is key.
2. Amass experiences, not things.
3. Follow your instincts.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IN HONOR OF MY REACHING MIDDLE AGE, I'M WRITING DOWN EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED SO FAR IN LIFE. YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
I like Mexican food.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'M SURE OF.

DO YOU THINK NEIGHBOR BOB IS A NICE GUY OR MORE OF AN @$$?
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT IS NOT A WORD YOU CAN SAY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU THINK HE'S MORE OF A NICE GUY OR MORE YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
MORASS. JUDGING OTHERS IS ONE BIG MORASS.
I HATE MY JOB.
MORASS. CENSORSHIP IS ONE BIG MORASS.

MY PROBLEMS TODAY:
1) Bills overdue.
2) Angry neighbor.
3) Broken washing machine.
HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S ALL THAT?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP IF YOU LIST OUT YOUR DAILY PROBLEMS.
MY PROBLEMS TODAY
None I can't overcome.
THERE'S A REASON WE HATE OPTIMISTS.

To: Undisclosed recipients
From: Acme Products
Subject: Spring deals!
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Now routing you to
our site’s
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But I don’t want to
go to your site!
Please be aware
that your
preferences may
take weeks
to process.
Which emails do
you no longer
wish to receive?
ALL OF THEM!
SAVES
A LOT OF
TIME.
So that’s
how you
stop those
emails.

I'VE DECIDED TO STOP SUGGESTING TO IDIOTS HOW THEY SHOULD LIVE THEIR LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU DO INSTEAD?
NOW I JUST ORDER THEM.
WONDERFUL.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS WORLD.

DAILY DISCIPLINE
PROGRESS
ACHIEVEMENTS
HAPPINESS
WHAT'S ALL THAT, GOAT?
IT'S CALLED A HAPPINESS DIAGRAM. YOU LITERALLY CHART YOUR PERSONAL MAP TO ACHIEVING HAPPINESS.
Beer -> Happy
YOU'VE MADE THINGS MUCH TOO HARD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
INVISIBILITY.
WHY IS THAT?
PEOPLE CAN'T HURT WHAT THEY CAN'T SEE.
MY LIFE JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

DID YOU KNOW THAT KIDS BOOK PUBLISHERS ARE NOW GOING THROUGH CLASSIC BOOKS AND ELIMINATING WORDS LIKE 'NUTS' AND 'PLUMP' AND 'STUPID'?
GREAT, SO THEN FUTURE EDITORS CAN CHANGE WHAT THEY WANT TO CHANGE, AND THE NEXT EDITORS CAN MAKE MORE CHANGES, AND SOON WE'LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT OF THE AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL VISION.
YAAAAAAY!
YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE DETECTING SARCASM.
YOU LOST ME AT 'AUTHOR.'

HEY, STEPH, WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND WANTED TO WATCH SOME GREAT SPORTS HIGHLIGHT OVER AND OVER, HOW WOULD YOU DO IT?
WELL, THERE WAS THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.
YEAH, BUT I MEAN AFTER THAT.
AFTER THAT, IT WAS PRETTY MUCH GONE FOREVER.
MOST DEPRESSING CHILDHOOD EVER?
HAS TO BE.
I LIKED MY CHILDHOOD!

DO YOU THINK LIFE IS A BALANCE OF SUCCESSES AND FAILURES?
OF COURSE. IT'S THAT WAY FOR EVERYONE.
I MUST FINISH REALLY STRONG.

HEY, SAM... YOUR DAD SAYS YOU GOT A GREAT JOB RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE! CONGRATS! HOW'S IT GOING?
IT WAS GOOD.
WHADDYA MEAN, "WAS"?
I QUIT.
QUIT? WHY?
I MADE A LITTLE MONEY, SO NOW I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MYSELF FOR A WHILE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
OH, I DON'T LIVE FOR MY CAREER. THAT WAS YOUR GENERATION. I LIVE TO ENJOY MY LIFE. TO BE IN THE MOMENT. TO EXPERIENCE THINGS.
SHOULD WE MOCK HIM OR REGRET OUR LIVES?
MOCK. IT HURTS LESS.
FLAKY, LIFE-ENJOYING WEIRDO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TURNING ON THE "HEY, MORON, GET THE @#$* OUT OF MY FACE" FEATURE ON MY iPHONE.
YOU MEAN "DO NOT DISTURB."
I UPGRADED.