Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM NOT RAT.
I AM EGO-MAN,
HERE TO INTRODUCE
MY NEW SIDEKICK.
CAPTAIN TOO-FAT-TO-BE-OF-
ASSISTANCE-BOY.
I DIDN'T PICK THE NAME.

THIS IS A NICE PLACE.
It is. Of niceness. Yes.
YOU KNOW. . . WHY DO YOU GET SO NERVOUS WHEN YOU TALK TO ME?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP STARING INTO MY EYES LIKE YOU CAN SEE STRAIGHT INTO ME AND THAT WORRIES ME BECAUSE IT'S NOT A NICE PLACE IN THERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
PLEASE TAKE YOUR NAPKIN OFF MY HEAD.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE, CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL.
YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK IN --
WHAT'S THAT HITTING ME UNDER THE TABLE ?
SHOES.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING CLOWN SHOES ?
I AM A BIG FAN OF CLOWNS. BIG FAN. BIG, BIG FAN. IT IS MY HOMAGE TO --
SQUEEZE SQUEEZE
WHAT WAS THAT ?
I WANTED TO SEE IF YOUR NOSE HONKED.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG IN THE BATHROOM, RAT?
I'M GETTING DRESSED FOR MY BIG DATE WITH THE GIRL FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT.
SHE AGREED TO GO OUT WITH YOU?
YES, BUT IT TOOK WORK, AND I DON'T WANT TO BLOW IT… SO I'M GETTING ALL DRESSED UP AND TAKING HER SOMEWHERE FANCY.
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR GOOD SHOES?
I CAN'T FIND THE STUPID THINGS… ALL I CAN FIND ARE MY WORK SHOES.
WORK SHOES? FROM WHEN YOU…
… DRESSED AS A CLOWN FOR THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?
LAUGH AND I STOMP YOUR HEAD.

HOW COME YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK TO GIRLS LIKE THIS, RAT?
BECAUSE THAT CUTE GIRL WORKS HERE AND I WANT TO ASK HER OUT.
OH. I REMEMBER HER FROM LAST CHRISTMAS. SHE MAKES YOU NERVOUS.
SHUT UP.
OOOOH...
SHUT UP.
OH...
SHUT UP.
DUDE DUDE DUDE...
#@%#$# STARE.
JUST BE A NORMAL WINGMAN, IDIOT. WATCH MY BACK. DON'T LET ME GO DOWN IN FLAMES.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, HELLO. GOOD EVENING. I AM INTERESTED IN BUYING A CHRISTMAS HOME FOR MY TREE WRITING.
WHAT?
YOU T--
WAIT. YOU'RE THAT GUY WHO GOT ALL NERVOUS TRYING TO HIT ON ME LAST YEAR. WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE TALKING TO WOMEN?
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!
BECAUSE HE'S SPENT A LIFETIME IN MEN'S PRISON! HI.
OH... THAT WAS SMOOTH.
WAIT... SHE'S COMING BACK.
NO. THAT'S A COP.

OHH, ANDY... YOU MISSED YOUR CRUISE.
I KNOW... I WALKED ALL NIGHT, BUT I DIDN'T GET ANYWHERE...
AWWWW, ANDY... IT'S... IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE...
ON A CHAIN. A CHAIN THAT GETS A LITTLE WEAKER EVERY TIME I PULL AGAINST IT... A CHAIN THAT ONE DAY'S GONNA BREAK.
OH, ANDY...
HEY... DON'T SQUISH THE HAT.

THAT STUPID LITTLE DOG FRIEND OF YOURS ASKED ME TO BUY HIM A PANAMA HAT FOR SOME CRUISE HE'S TAKING TO TRINIDAD.
POOR ANDY. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW HE'S ATTACHED TO A CHAIN.
YEAH... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? BUY HIM A HAT HE CAN'T BUY FOR HIMSELF JUST TO ENCOURAGE SOME IMPOSSIBLE DREAM?
I KNOW. IT'S SO HARD...
SO WHAT DID YOU DO ?

Okay, zeeba neighba, leesten me.
Crocs get costume deeapartment.
Now we look inteemidating!
See, me is Skullhead Doom Guy!!
And me is ballerina!
Back to costume deeapartment,
Bob.

HEY, GOAT. YOU WRITING YOUR BLOG?
GO AWAY, RAT.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE BLOGS... I REALLY DO. YOU KNOW WHY?
GO AWAY, RAT.
BECAUSE THEY PROVIDE THEIR FRUSTRATED CREATOR WITH THE DELUSIONAL OUTLET OF BEING A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. SORT OF LIKE HOW THE PRISON WARDEN LETS THE PSYCHOTIC INMATE SCRIBBLE "POETRY" ON THE CELL WALL SO HE DOESN'T BEAT HIS BUNKMATE WITH A TOILET SEAT.
PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE ANALOGY.

HEY, PIG. MIND BUYING ME A BOTTLE OF SUNBLOCK FOR MY CRUISE TO TRINIDAD?
WHEN ARE YOU TAKING A CRUISE TO TRINIDAD, ANDY?
NEXT WEEK.
BUT... HOW?
THE CRUISE LINE USUALLY PROVIDES A BOAT.
OH... RIGHT.
I WORRY ABOUT YOU, PIG.

AND THIS IS VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA. ISN'T IT PRETTY? ONE DAY I'LL GO THERE... BUT FIRST I WANT TO SEE AFRICA... NO, FIRST I WANT TO SEE INDIA... BEAUTIFUL, MYSTICAL INDIA.
DO YOU THINK I'LL HAVE ANY TROUBLE GETTING THERE, PIG?
NOT THAT I CAN THINK OF, ANDY.
GOOD. BECAUSE I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT SPECIAL VISA REQUIREMENTS.

GOODBYE. I'M LEAVING. FOR REAL THIS TIME.
WHERE YOU GOING, MY LITTLE BRAIN?
CLUB BRAIN. IT'S A BIG RESORT. REAL POPULAR WITH BRAINS.
ARE THERE MORE OF YOU ESCAPED BRAINS RUNNING AROUND?
YES. WE TEND TO ESCAPE DURING PROLONGED PERIODS OF TELEVISION VIEWING... MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN NOTICE WE'RE GONE.
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FLED LIKE THAT?
IF YOU MUST KNOW, THIRTY-FOUR PERCENT OF ALL PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND WITHOUT A BRAIN.
TOODLES.
EXPLAINS A LOT.

I SAW CAROL YESTERDAY. SHE SAID ED KILLED A ZEBRA.
Right... Like me believe DAT. Me happen know Ed buy dat from store.
IS THAT SO? TELL ME, LARRY, WHAT STORE SELLS DEAD ZEBRAS? HUH?... TELL ME, LARRY.
"Payless Shoes."
... LIE AGAIN, LARRY. I DARE YOU.
Wait wait... "Betty's Bridal Emporium." No no...

HEY RAT...
BOY, DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL YOU!
FINE. BUT BEFORE YOU DO, I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THIS CONVERSATION MAY BE MONITORED FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE PURPOSES.
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE QUIET.
A WISE CHOICE.

Okaaay, zeeba neighba.
Me is strapped to you.
Tree. If you no agree
to demands, me and
you ees both blow up
in two minute.
I'M NOT STRAPPED TO
THE TREE. YOU'RE
STRAPPED TO THE TREE.
I CAN JUST WALK AWAY
AND WATCH YOU EXPLODE.
Touché.

Hey, Meester Beeg Cat... Me hear you eat mailman... How you do it?
How do you mean, bro?
It's just a slow, dumpy human. It's like catching a rutabaga.
How you catch rutabaga?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE CROWS THINK THEY CAN RAISE MONEY BY SELL- ING BALLOONS TO MY FRIENDS FOR NATIONAL KEEP-A-ZEBRA DAY.
DON'T WORRY, ZEBRA... IT'LL NEVER WORK.
SO I LIKE BALLOONS.

Hulloo leetle pegg..
How you like by balloon for Nashunal Keel-A-Zeeba Day?
WHAT IS THAT?
Ees fund-raisyeeng event to help feed hungry crocky-diles. So far, we get beeg contree-bushons from everyone but Mr. 'Me Hate All Charities'.
I DO NOT HATE ALL CHARITIES.
Mebbe he juss super cheep.

Danny Donkey loved Thanksgiving.
Danny Donkey loved his family.
But Danny Donkey did not love to see his family at Thanksgiving.
So every Thanksgiving, Danny grabbed half the turkey and locked himself in the bathroom.
Until it was time for the awkward toast...
To my family, to whom I want to be close, but in reality cannot tolerate.
I need to use the bathroom, Danny Donkey.
Go away, Uncle Bob.
When Thanksgiving was over, many believed his self-imposed physical separation from his family had a consequence.
He loved them more.
Uncle Bob could also be a problem.
YOU CALL THIS A CHILDREN'S THANKSGIVING TABLE?
CHAPTER TWO: THE DAY UNCLE BOB'S BLADDER WENT BOMB.
POOR UNCLE BOB.

NO TRESPASSING
GUARD DOG ON DUTY
HI, FELLAS. HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD JUST MOVE A TEENSY BIT OVER THAT WAY.
NOT TODAY, TIMMY. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
OH, OKAY... NO PROBLEMO. HEY, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A SUPER SPLENDIFEROUS DAY!!
TIMMY THE GUARD DOG LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

HEY, RAT... HAVE YOU SEEN MY
BRAIN?... HE TOOK OFF THIS
MORNING AND I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM SINCE.
HE SAID HE
WAS OFF TO
MAKE SOME
CASH.
MAKE
CASH?...
HOW?
PREPARE TO BE DOMINATED.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS JOB FAIR?
NETWORKING.
I'M NO IDIOT.
EVEN I KNOW THAT'S IMPORTANT.
THAT'S TERRIFIC...
YOU'RE EVEN WEARING ONE OF THOSE NAME TAG STICKERS...
LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, "HELLO, MY NAME IS..."
"... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."
I'VE GOT MY LIMITATIONS.

HEY, BABY...I'M A BRAIN...LET ME STUN YOU WITH MY MASSIVE HIPPOCAMPUS.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE AREA OF THE BRAIN THAT CONTROLS MEMORY STORAGE.
WHATEVER.
DID I MENTION THAT I ALSO HAVE A BIG TRUCK AND A BAD ATTITUDE?
A SAD MOMENT FOR MY MASSIVE HIPPOCAMPUS.

ALRIGHT... YOU'RE A BRAIN... YOU KNOW THE PRINCIPLES OF QUANTUM PHYSICS, NEUROSCIENCE AND MOLECULAR BIOLOGY... SO TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIFE?
TO DRINK BEER AND MEET WOMEN.
SUDDENLY, MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE HAS BEEN JUSTIFIED.

HI, GOAT...HAVE YOU MET MY BRAIN? HE GOT TIRED OF ME NOT USING HIM, SO HE LEFT MY HEAD.
SO THAT'S JUST EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR HEAD?
NO. RAT'S USING IT.
FOR ?
MIND IF I GRAB ANOTHER BREWSKI?
GO FOR IT.
YO. HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A COLD ONE.
I GIVE UP.