Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FILM AND YOUR PACKAGE SAYS MY SATISFACTION IS GUARANTEED.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHEN I LOOK AT THE PHOTOS IN MY ALBUM, THEY'RE FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE NO LONGER AROUND AND FRIENDS WHO ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS AND HOMES I CAN NO LONGER GET BACK TO.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S JUST LIFE, SIR.
I'M NOT SATISFIED.

WHAT'S THAT BOOK ABOUT, RAT?
CRYOGENICS. IT'S THIS PROCESS WHERE THEY FREEZE DEAD GUYS SO THEY CAN DEFROST THEM LATER AND BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE.
AND THAT WORKS?
YEP.
ARISE.

Okay, zeeba neighba, Bob here spend day at city offices. He make 'connections.' Now crocs snap fingers... Zeeba disappear!
OH? WHAT KIND OF CONNECTIONS DID YOU MAKE?
Me got library card.
Sometimes me wish Bob disappear.

HEY, RAT... WHAT'S WITH THE SIGN?
IT'S MY SELF-AFFIRMATION POSTER. IT REMINDS ME WHERE I'M GOING IN LIFE.
OOH... I WANT ONE... LIKE "PIG: STRIVING FOR SUPER-NESS"
NO NO NO, DUDE. YOUR AFFIRMATION HAS TO BE REALISTIC. SOMETHING YOU CAN ACTUALLY ACHIEVE. HERE, TRY THIS ONE...
PIG: LEANING TOWARD LOSERVILLE

HEY, ZEBRA... I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET FRED THE FENNEC FOX. A FENNEC FOX HAS SUCH SHARP HEARING IT CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF INSECTS WALKING UNDERGROUND.
WOW. IS THAT TRUE, FRED?
Whuh?
HIS LISTENING IS A BIT SELECTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M HANGING FROM A CHIN-UP BAR UNTIL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LEARNS TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
YOU DUMB PIG. IF YOU HANG THERE LONG ENOUGH, YOUR ARMS ARE GONNA STRETCH OUT.
OH, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT. I KNOW THAT WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING, PEOPLE WILL SEE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO START LOVING EACH OTHER...
Sigh.

YO, ZEEBS... WHATCHA DOIN'?
FIXING SOME OLD VINYL RECORDS I HAVE...
FIXING HOW?
OH, I HEARD IF YOU RUB VICK'S VAPORUB ON THE RECORD AND LET IT SIT OVERNIGHT, YOU CAN GET RID OF SOME OF THE SCRATCHES.
REALLY?
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW... IT STILL LOOKS LIKE, THIS IS A TON OF WORK... IF YOU COULD HELP ME A LITTLE, I'D PAY YOU...
HOW MANY DO I HAVE TO DO?
RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO DO MY OLD BAROQUE ALBUMS. THEY'RE THE MOST SCRATCHED. WE CAN PUT VICK'S ON THE OTHER ONES LATER.
OH, GOOD, SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THESE JAZZ ONES?
NO, NO... IF IT AIN'T BAROQUE, DON'T VICK'S IT.
COMIC STRIP CHARACTER FOR HIRE:
WILL WORK FOR STRIPS THAT DON'T PRODUCE GREAT SHAME

MEOW, ZEBRA, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
WORSE THAN THE FACT YOU RISKED MY LIFE ON A BASEBALL GAME??
I'M AFRAID SO... AFTER PLACING FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS ON US TO WIN, I BET FIVE THOUSAND ON US TO LOSE.
YOU WHAT??
SORRY, MY BOOKIE GAVE ME GREAT ODDS.
BOOKIE?? WHAT KIND OF BOOKIE TAKES A BET WHERE A GUY'S LIFE IS ON THE LINE??
Meow.

THE CROCS HIT ONE DEEP! IF WE CATCH IT, WE WIN! IF IT'S GONE, WE LOSE!!
I'M GONNA DIE!!!
CATCH IT, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE, CATCH IT!!
NOOOOO! HE'S PASSED OUT! WE HAVE NO CENTERFIELDER! I'M DEAD! I'M DEAD! SOMEONE SAVE MEEEEEEEEE

OKAY, GUYS, BAD NEWS... I HAD TO KICK THE WHALE OFF THE TEAM BECAUSE TECHNICALLY, HE'S DEAD.
BUT YOU SAID WE NEEDED SOMEONE WHO'S PUDGEY ENOUGH TO CROWD THE PLATE AND GET BEANED!
OH, PLEASE, NOT ME... I'M TIRED OF GETTING HIT IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!
RELAX, SPAZZ BOYS... I'VE FOUND SOMEONE.
REALLY? WHO'D YOU GET?
DOINK

OKAY, PASTIS, YESTERDAY YOU BROUGHT BACK THE NAKHLEH CHARACTER, BUT HUNDREDS OF READERS HAVE POINTED OUT HE DIED IN THE MAY 13, 2006 STRIP. SEE, IT'S RIGHT HERE IN YOUR "CRASS MENAGERIE" BOOK. SO YOU BETTER COME UP WITH A CREDIBLE EXPLANATION AND FAST.
HE UN-DIED.
I REALLY, REALLY MISS BILL WATTERSON.

OKAY, GUYS, IT'S CLEAR NONE OF YOU CAN HIT, SO I'VE RECRUITED AN OLD FRIEND... A BIG, FAT GUY WHO CAN CROWD THE PLATE AND GET BEANED IN THE FACE.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO SOMEONE. THEY'LL GET HURT.
NOT THIS GUY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
DONK

HEY, ZEBRA HIT ONE DEEP!!
YEAH... WAIT WAIT WAIT... THE CROC CENTERFIELDER IS UNDER IT...
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE CENTERFIELDER BLEW UP.
PLEASE STOP MINING CENTERFIELD.

I GOT A JOB.
WHERE ?
THE SISYFUSS CORPORATION. "WHERE PEOPLE COME FIRST."
WHAT DO YOU DO ?
I SIT IN AN UNHEATED, WINDOWLESS BASEMENT FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY AND STAPLE BLUE FORM TO THE RED FORM.
THEN WHAT ?
THEN IN FORTY-FIVE YEARS, I RETIRE !
LET'S RESORT TO A LIFE OF CRIME.

TIME OUT!
RAT... YOU BEANED THAT GUY IN THE HEAD.
I KNOW. I WAS SENDING A MESSAGE.
BUT HE'S THE EIGHTH STRAIGHT GUY YOU'VE BEANED IN THE HEAD.
I TEND TO BE WORDY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BET MY LIFE ON THIS GAME!!
DUDE, RELAX...SURE THE CROCS WANT TO WIN SO THEY CAN EAT YOU, BUT THE FACT IS, THEY CAN'T FIELD, THEY CAN'T HIT, AND THEY CAN'T RUN.
OF COURSE, IT'S ALWAYS HARD TO ACCOUNT FOR HEART.
AAHHH!

SO HOW'D YOU GET THE CROCS TO PLAY BASEBALL AGAINST US?
BY PUTTING A BET ON IT. I STAND TO WIN FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS IF WE WIN.
YEAH, BUT THE CROCS DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY... THEY'D ONLY PLAY IF BY WINNING THEY COULD GET ME, PREFERABLY TIED TO A BARBECUE GRILL.
FRIENDS DON'T BET FRIENDS' LIVES.
HEY, DEATH CAN BE A REAL MOTIVATOR.

WHO'S THAT IN THE OUTFIELD?
YOUR OLD FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE. I RECRUITED HIM.
HOW CAN A TURTLE WHO JUST HIDES IN HIS SHELL DRINKING BEER FROM A BEER FUNNEL POSSIBLY PLAY BASEBALL?
PLOP

OKAY, GUYS, WHEN YOU'RE ON THE BENCH DURING A GAME, I DON'T WANT YOU JUST SITTING HERE. I WANT YOU DOING SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU LOOK TOUGH. I SUGGEST CHEWING TOBACCO.
FORGET IT. THAT CAUSES CANCER.
ALRIGHT, FINE. THEN PICK SOMETHING ELSE.
LIKE THIS?
NO.
OH.

OKAY, GUYS. I'VE ALMOST
GOT THE TEAM TOGETHER,
BUT WE STILL NEED A
COUPLE MORE PIECES.
HOW
ABOUT
MY
VIKING
FIGURINES?
VIKINGS, HUH? I LIKE THAT. VIKINGS
KILL. VIKINGS PILLAGE. THEY COULD
SEND A REAL MESSAGE. WHAT
WOULD THEY LIKE TO DO?
PUSH 'EM BACK!
PUSH 'EM BACK!
WAAAAAAY BACK!

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY LAST NIGHT ABOUT THESE NAVY GUYS WHO LIVE ON SUBMARINES.
OH YEAH?
YEAH, IT WAS AMAZING. WHEN THE SUB SURFACED, THEY GOT OUT AND STOOD ON TOP OF IT.
WHY WAS THAT AMAZING?
BECAUSE THE POOR LITTLE SUB WAS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH AND THESE GUYS JUST STOOD ON TOP OF IT WITH THEIR HANDS BEHIND THEIR BACK. SO BALANCED, SO CONTROLLED.
YOU COULD PROBABLY DO THAT SAME STANCE HERE. STAND UP HERE LIKE THEY DO AND I'LL ROCK YOU BACK AND FORTH.
WELL, GEE, DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD -
THERE YOU GO, PIG! YOU'RE DOING IT! YOU'RE DOING IT!
EXCUSE ME, BUT CAN I ASK WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HI, OFFICER! LOOK AT ME! I HAVE A CONTROLLED SUB STANCE!
*SIGH*

OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE OUR FIRST WARM-UP GAME ON TUESDAY.
AGAINST WHO?
SOMEONE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAT.
WHO'S THAT?
IT'S A SIMPLE GROUNDER, RON.
I'M A BLIND MOLE, PHIL.

I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A SOFTBALL TEAM AND I WANT YOU TO PLAY CATCHER.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU TAKE AN INTEREST IN SPORTS?
SINCE I FOUND OUT GUYS BET A LOT OF CASH ON THESE STUPID GAMES. WE'RE GONNA LINE UP SOME PATSES AND REALLY CLEAN UP!
WHERE YOU GONNA FIND A TEAM THAT KNOWS LESS ABOUT SOFTBALL THAN US?
You no wear cup on chin, Floyd.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
CALLING MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY. SOME FRAUD APPARENTLY GOT AHOLD OF MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND HAS BEEN USING IT TO RACK UP HUGE BAR BILLS AROUND TOWN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT YOUR CHARGES?
BECAUSE I DON'T GO AROUND TO BARS EVERY NIGHT TRYING TO DRINK AWAY MY PROBLEMS. I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?
Me-e-e-o-owwww

I don't want to play softball on your team, Rat. I have poor hand-eye coordination and very slow reaction time.
I know that, you dumb pig. That's why I'm putting you at this position.
Smack
Gosh... maybe third base isn't right for you after all.
OHHHHHH, MY OOMPA LOOMPAS.