Pearls Before Swine | Search

Okay, zeeba... Now you had it... Crocs buy DOOMSDAY device... If me press button, you have ESSPLODE. So geeve up now or face consequence.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS, LEAVE ME ALONE.
Ohhhkay, tough guy. Dat what you tink? Me will press, you know... Me will press...
SURE, PRESS IT.
No try to tempt me, zeeba neighba... No you tempt me.
PRESS STUPID THING.
OHHHKAY, zeeba... YOU WANT? YOU WANT?! YOU GET!
>>CLICK << >>CLICK << >>CLICK <<
WHIRRRRR... >>CLICK << WHIRRRR
STOP OPENING THE GIRAFFE GARAGE DOOR, LARRY.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...

HIYA, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DINGO BOY. HE WAS RAISED BY WOVLES.
OH, LORD... THAT'S HORRIFIC. HOW DOES A BEAST LIKE THAT SURVIVE?
I'VE GOT A NICE MIX OF EQUITIES AND SHORT TERM BONDS.
I WAS GONNA GUESS THAT.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA...
LEESTEN... ME HAVE QEEEK QUESTION... IS DAISIES INTERMEDIATE YOU?
NO.
WHAT IF DAISY SUPER BEEG AND LEETLE NUTTY-LOOKING?
NO.
ME TOLD YOU STOOPID COSTUME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, RAT?
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LETTING ME DOWN, SO I WANTED TO FIND A PLACE WHERE I COULD BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER DISAPPOINT ME, NEVER LIE TO ME, NEVER LET ME DOWN.
EUREKA!
IT'S STRIPS LIKE THIS THAT DIFFERENTIATE US FROM ZIGGY!

HEY THERE, ZEBRA... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
AWWW... YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BUY ME ANYTHING.
DON'T BE SILLY. OPEN IT.
SOAP.
OHH... NOT JUST ANY SOAP... HOTEL SOAP.
IT MIGHT BE BEST IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE GIFTS.
OH... AND SORRY IT'S OPEN... I HAD TO WASH MY HANDS.

Our new wives are gonna come to your door tonight offering to sell you a newspaper subscription.
OH, GOOD! MINE JUST RAN OUT.
If you open the door, they will pounce on you and kill you.
AND THEY WONDER WHY NEWSPAPER CIRCULATION IS DECLINING.

I HEAR YOU LIONS FINALLY MET SOME FEMALES.
YEAH. GIGI AND KIKI.
WHO'S WITH WHICH GIRL?
OH, THAT DOESN'T MATTER. IN A PRIDE, ANY OF THE MALES CAN HOOK UP WITH ANY OF THE FEMALES. IT'S NOT LIKE WITH MOST OTHER SPECIES, WHERE YOU JUST GET ONE GIRL...
ROAR.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
WHAT IT LOOK LIKE, IDIOT FACE?
YOU'RE FISHING.
OH, DING DING. YOU MUSS BE LIKE JEOPARDY CHAMP.
YOU THINK THE FISH ARE JUST GONNA JUMP INTO YOUR BUCKET?
OHH, FOR LOVE OF... WILL YOU PEESE SHUT YOU BEEG FAT MOUTH? YOU TINK WE SO DUMB DAT WE TINK FEESH IS JUSS GONNA JUMP INTO EMPTY BUCKET? GEET REEL. SHOW HEEM, BOB.
WE FILL WID MONEY.
OF COURSE.
HERE FESHIE FESHIE. GEET RICH QUEEK!

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT
EVERY SINGLE GYM HAS
ONE SMELLY GUY WHO
DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW
HE'S SMELLY BECAUSE
NO ONE WANTS TO
TELL HIM.
SO?
SO NOW THERE'S "SMELLY GUY
AWAY"... FOR JUST $9.99, I WILL
WRITE A LETTER TO THAT INDIVIDUAL TACTFULLY APPRISING
HIM OF THE SITUATION... HERE...
READ A SAMPLE...
DUDE,
YOU STINK.
I MUST HAVE MISSED
THE "TACTFUL" PART.
IT'S ALL IN
THE "DUDE."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M SAD TODAY, SO I WAS HOPING IF I ASKED PEOPLE TO SAY WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT ME, IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL UNSAD.
YOU STUPID PIG! THERE'S NOTHING WONDERFUL ABOUT A GUY WHO GOES AROUND BEGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. IT'S PATHETIC! NO ONE'S GONNA HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
Say wonderful things about me.
Living OR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LI'L GUARD DUCK?
I'M STANDING ON THE CRATE O' SADNESS.
WHY?
BECAUSE MAURA, THE DUCK I LOVED, FLEW SOUTH OVER A YEAR AGO AND NEVER RETURNED.
SO YOU STAND ON A CRATE?
YES. IT'S WHERE YOU STAND WHEN YOUR DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE.
THIS COULD GET CROWDED.

OH, OLIVE, I LOVE YOU. BUT I SO WANT TO HOLD YOU.
OH, ANDY, ME TOO... BUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER. OUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY... THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN TOUCHING.
YOU'RE NUTS.

HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
CURSE THESE LONG-DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIPS.

Dear Pig,
It's me, your
chained-up dog buddy,
Andy. I'm writing to
give you some
good news ...
I GOT
A
GIRLFRIEND!
Although the
situation
is less
than ideal.

Zeeba neighba...
Me is fall down! Break leg! Help!
Fat chance. The second I did that, your buddy Larry would jump out of that bush and kill me.
Oh, dat true, Meester Zeeba.
Listen, your pal Larry has the mind of a little kid. All I have to do is call out his name and he'll pop out...watch...
COME OUT OF THAT BUSH LARRY!!
Ooooh...You so smart, Meester Zeeba...Haha... See, what me tell you? No Larry.
SIMON SAYS COME OUT OF THAT BUSH, LARRY!
Simon says you beeg fat idiot, Larry.
Simon no say dat, Bob.

IS RAT STILL GOING AROUND PRETENDING HE'S BONO?
YEAH. BUT NOW HE'S GONNA CHANGE HIS NAME TO 'BEANO'.
I THOUGHT HE HATED THAT NAME.
HE DID. BUT NOW HE'S THINKING THAT WITH A NAME LIKE 'BEANO', THERE MIGHT BE SOME COMMERCIAL OPPORTUNITIES.
I WANT TO RUUUUN
I WANT TO HIIIIDE
I WANT TO BREAK DOWN THE GAS I'M HOLDING INSIDE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM BONO, ROCK STAR EXTRAORDINAIRE... AND THIS IS MY MANAGER.
YO, BABE.
YOU'RE NOT BONO... AND YOU CAN'T GO AROUND PRETENDING YOU ARE.
FINE... I SHALL PICK A NEW NAME... MANAGER, WRITE SOME NEW NAMES...
I WILL NOT BE CALLED "BEANO."

BEHOLD!? MY LATEST CREATION... THE SMART CARD!
WHAT IS IT?
WHEN A DUMB GUY DISAGREES WITH YOU, YOU PULL OUT THE SMART CARD. IT MEANS I'M SMART. YOU'RE NOT. PLEASE BE QUIET NOW.
OH, GEE. THAT'S JUST SILLY. I MEAN—
SHHHHHHHHH...

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA… LEESTEN… WHAT YOU TINK OF STATUE CROCS MAKE? EES CALLED “MEMORIAL TO BOB”.
WHO’S BOB?
BOB EES A CROC WHO EES CLOSE TO DEATH.
WHAT’S HE DYING OF?
CEMENT.
CAN’T… BREAFE… PEESE… SAVE…

HI, MOM... NO, PIG'S NOT HERE YET... HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHY HE'S LATE? BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS... I'M SICK OF IT.
I'M SICK OF HIS LAZINESS. I'M SICK OF HIS STRANGENESS. I'M SICK OF HIS STUPID EXCUSES.
I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD.

HEY, WHAT'SA MATTER WITH YOU? IT'S ALMOST NOON.

I WOKE UP DEPRESSED. I'M KINDA HOPING THAT IF I LAY REAL STILL, THE DAY WON'T NOTICE AND I CAN JUST TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.
YOU STUPID PIG. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. WE ALL HAVE TO FACE THE DAY. YOU GET OUTSIDE AND FACE THE DAY!

RRRRR!!!
Angry Bob was angry.
"I will fly a kite," he said.
"Flying a kite makes people happy."
So Angry Bob walked to the store.
"Hello," he said to the man at the store,
"I would like to purchase a kite."
"I am sorry", said the man,
"but I am out of kites.
Perhaps you'd like a couch."
"A couch?" said Bob, "Why would
I want a couch?"
"Because couches are nice,"
said the man, "and they
make people happy."
Convinced, Bob bought the couch,
and tried to drive the
store over his head.
Arriving at a field, he paused. "The man
was correct," thought Bob, "This couch
makes me feel happy." Bob then sat on
the first time in his 39 years, Bob smiled.
And threw it
into the air.
And it did not fly.
Bob was crushed
like a soft biscuit.
ALWAYS READ THE USER'S MANUAL.

Dear Abby,
I'm a loser.
Help.
I LIKE TO GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR STUPID GARDEN SHED? IT LOOKS LIKE IT EXPLODED.
I THINK IT WAS THOSE BUNNIES YOU TRIED TO POISON...YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHO ATE YOUR GARDEN?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK A BUNCH OF STUPID BUNNIES COULD POSSIBLY BLOW UP OUR GARDEN SHED?
THE VIDEOTAPE THEY SENT.
GREETINGS, GREAT SATAN...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE WRAPPED MY BODY IN BUBBLEWRAP TO INSULATE MYSELF FROM A WORLD FILLED WITH IDIOTS.
POP
POP
POP POP
POP POP POP
IT'S IRRESISTIBLE.