Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, MAX. HOW'S IT GOING?
MY MOM'S COMING FOR A SHORT STAY, SO I THOUGHT I'D CLEAN UP A BIT...
Duuuude. IS THIS YOUR "PEOPLE"?
YEAH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
NEVER MIND THAT, BRO... THE WIVES SAW IT FALL OUT OF YOUR MAILBOX...
SO?
Dude, IT'S A CHICK MAGAZINE. NOW THE WIVES THINK YOU'RE WEAK. EFFEMINATE. AN EASY MARK.
WHAT DO I DO?
TAKE THIS BOX OF "GIRLS GONE WACKY" VIDEOS AND SCATTER THEM AROUND YOUR FRONT LAWN.
OHHH, BUT THESE ARE SO... TACKY.
DUDE. IT'S LIFE OR DEATH.
MY SON'S A PERV.
I CAN EXPLAIN, MOM.

Ooooh... Look at beeg tough predator guy... You tink you all dat... Me not impressed, okay?... Me is like, "Whatever".
Duuude, please. You got me all wrong... I don't hunt at all... My wife does all that... I just sit around on my butt and eat.
Me want trade you in.

BEHOLD! MY LATEST INVENTION. A CAR THAT RUNS ON IDIOCY, A NATURAL RESOURCE THAT IS IN ABUNDANT SUPPLY.
THUNK
ALL GASSED UP.

IT SAYS HERE IN THIS ENCYCLOPEDIA THAT CROCODILES' BRAINS ARE THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
WHUH? Me not get it.
Bob's more like pistachio.

HEY NEIGHBOR TIM... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD... BUT I' M TELLIN' YOU... I'M REALLY JONESING FOR A BIG PLATE OF HASH BROWNS.
THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I'M REALLY RATZING RIGHT NOW.
RATSING? WHAT'S RATSING?
THE DESIRE TO BEAT PEOPLE WHO USE TRENDY EXPRESSIONS OVER THE HEAD WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
WAIT. COME BACK.

HI. MY UNCLE DIED AND I'D LIKE A RESPECTFUL BURIAL FOR HIM, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT GIVING HIM OVER TO HYENAS.
PLEASE SIR, WE BURY MANY ANTELOPES, AND RESPECT IS ALWAYS OUR NUMBER ONE--
Hey! Hey! Who am I? Who am I?
Bad time?

HELLO, SIR... I'M HY, FROM HY AND HY'S FUNERAL HOME. HAVE YOU BY CHANCE A DECEASED RELATIVE IN NEED OF OUR BURIAL SERVICES?
FORGET IT. YOU'RE HYENAS... EVERYONE KNOWS YOU EAT DEAD THINGS.
PLEASE, SIR. THAT'S QUITE INSULTING. WE'RE NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER HYENAS.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHAT WITH YOUR PARTNER THERE...
NICE GOING, HY.

Okay, zeeba... Now you had it... Crocs buy DOOMSDAY device... If me press button, you have ESSPLODE. So geeve up now or face consequence.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS, LEAVE ME ALONE.
Ohhhkay, tough guy. Dat what you tink? Me will press, you know... Me will press...
SURE, PRESS IT.
No try to tempt me, zeeba neighba... No you tempt me.
PRESS STUPID THING.
OHHHKAY, zeeba... YOU WANT? YOU WANT?! YOU GET!
>>CLICK << >>CLICK << >>CLICK <<
WHIRRRRR... >>CLICK << WHIRRRR
STOP OPENING THE GIRAFFE GARAGE DOOR, LARRY.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...

HIYA, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DINGO BOY. HE WAS RAISED BY WOVLES.
OH, LORD... THAT'S HORRIFIC. HOW DOES A BEAST LIKE THAT SURVIVE?
I'VE GOT A NICE MIX OF EQUITIES AND SHORT TERM BONDS.
I WAS GONNA GUESS THAT.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA...
LEESTEN... ME HAVE QEEEK QUESTION... IS DAISIES INTERMEDIATE YOU?
NO.
WHAT IF DAISY SUPER BEEG AND LEETLE NUTTY-LOOKING?
NO.
ME TOLD YOU STOOPID COSTUME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, RAT?
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LETTING ME DOWN, SO I WANTED TO FIND A PLACE WHERE I COULD BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER DISAPPOINT ME, NEVER LIE TO ME, NEVER LET ME DOWN.
EUREKA!
IT'S STRIPS LIKE THIS THAT DIFFERENTIATE US FROM ZIGGY!

HEY THERE, ZEBRA... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
AWWW... YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BUY ME ANYTHING.
DON'T BE SILLY. OPEN IT.
SOAP.
OHH... NOT JUST ANY SOAP... HOTEL SOAP.
IT MIGHT BE BEST IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE GIFTS.
OH... AND SORRY IT'S OPEN... I HAD TO WASH MY HANDS.

Our new wives are gonna come to your door tonight offering to sell you a newspaper subscription.
OH, GOOD! MINE JUST RAN OUT.
If you open the door, they will pounce on you and kill you.
AND THEY WONDER WHY NEWSPAPER CIRCULATION IS DECLINING.

I HEAR YOU LIONS FINALLY MET SOME FEMALES.
YEAH. GIGI AND KIKI.
WHO'S WITH WHICH GIRL?
OH, THAT DOESN'T MATTER. IN A PRIDE, ANY OF THE MALES CAN HOOK UP WITH ANY OF THE FEMALES. IT'S NOT LIKE WITH MOST OTHER SPECIES, WHERE YOU JUST GET ONE GIRL...
ROAR.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
WHAT IT LOOK LIKE, IDIOT FACE?
YOU'RE FISHING.
OH, DING DING. YOU MUSS BE LIKE JEOPARDY CHAMP.
YOU THINK THE FISH ARE JUST GONNA JUMP INTO YOUR BUCKET?
OHH, FOR LOVE OF... WILL YOU PEESE SHUT YOU BEEG FAT MOUTH? YOU TINK WE SO DUMB DAT WE TINK FEESH IS JUSS GONNA JUMP INTO EMPTY BUCKET? GEET REEL. SHOW HEEM, BOB.
WE FILL WID MONEY.
OF COURSE.
HERE FESHIE FESHIE. GEET RICH QUEEK!

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT
EVERY SINGLE GYM HAS
ONE SMELLY GUY WHO
DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW
HE'S SMELLY BECAUSE
NO ONE WANTS TO
TELL HIM.
SO?
SO NOW THERE'S "SMELLY GUY
AWAY"... FOR JUST $9.99, I WILL
WRITE A LETTER TO THAT INDIVIDUAL TACTFULLY APPRISING
HIM OF THE SITUATION... HERE...
READ A SAMPLE...
DUDE,
YOU STINK.
I MUST HAVE MISSED
THE "TACTFUL" PART.
IT'S ALL IN
THE "DUDE."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M SAD TODAY, SO I WAS HOPING IF I ASKED PEOPLE TO SAY WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT ME, IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL UNSAD.
YOU STUPID PIG! THERE'S NOTHING WONDERFUL ABOUT A GUY WHO GOES AROUND BEGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. IT'S PATHETIC! NO ONE'S GONNA HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
Say wonderful things about me.
Living OR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LI'L GUARD DUCK?
I'M STANDING ON THE CRATE O' SADNESS.
WHY?
BECAUSE MAURA, THE DUCK I LOVED, FLEW SOUTH OVER A YEAR AGO AND NEVER RETURNED.
SO YOU STAND ON A CRATE?
YES. IT'S WHERE YOU STAND WHEN YOUR DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE.
THIS COULD GET CROWDED.

OH, OLIVE, I LOVE YOU. BUT I SO WANT TO HOLD YOU.
OH, ANDY, ME TOO... BUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER. OUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY... THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN TOUCHING.
YOU'RE NUTS.

HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
CURSE THESE LONG-DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIPS.

Dear Pig,
It's me, your
chained-up dog buddy,
Andy. I'm writing to
give you some
good news ...
I GOT
A
GIRLFRIEND!
Although the
situation
is less
than ideal.

Zeeba neighba...
Me is fall down! Break leg! Help!
Fat chance. The second I did that, your buddy Larry would jump out of that bush and kill me.
Oh, dat true, Meester Zeeba.
Listen, your pal Larry has the mind of a little kid. All I have to do is call out his name and he'll pop out...watch...
COME OUT OF THAT BUSH LARRY!!
Ooooh...You so smart, Meester Zeeba...Haha... See, what me tell you? No Larry.
SIMON SAYS COME OUT OF THAT BUSH, LARRY!
Simon says you beeg fat idiot, Larry.
Simon no say dat, Bob.

IS RAT STILL GOING AROUND PRETENDING HE'S BONO?
YEAH. BUT NOW HE'S GONNA CHANGE HIS NAME TO 'BEANO'.
I THOUGHT HE HATED THAT NAME.
HE DID. BUT NOW HE'S THINKING THAT WITH A NAME LIKE 'BEANO', THERE MIGHT BE SOME COMMERCIAL OPPORTUNITIES.
I WANT TO RUUUUN
I WANT TO HIIIIDE
I WANT TO BREAK DOWN THE GAS I'M HOLDING INSIDE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM BONO, ROCK STAR EXTRAORDINAIRE... AND THIS IS MY MANAGER.
YO, BABE.
YOU'RE NOT BONO... AND YOU CAN'T GO AROUND PRETENDING YOU ARE.
FINE... I SHALL PICK A NEW NAME... MANAGER, WRITE SOME NEW NAMES...
I WILL NOT BE CALLED "BEANO."

BEHOLD!? MY LATEST CREATION... THE SMART CARD!
WHAT IS IT?
WHEN A DUMB GUY DISAGREES WITH YOU, YOU PULL OUT THE SMART CARD. IT MEANS I'M SMART. YOU'RE NOT. PLEASE BE QUIET NOW.
OH, GEE. THAT'S JUST SILLY. I MEAN—
SHHHHHHHHH...