Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, SINCE I GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS, I THOUGHT I'D WRITE YOURS.
OH, SURE. IT'S MORE COMPLIMENTARY THAN YOU'D PROB-ABLY IMAGINE.
DO I WANT TO SEE THIS?
He drew cartoons,
but they were rotten.
And that is why
He's now forgotten.
YOU SEEM UPSET.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS.
YES, BUT IT'S HARD TO SUM UP A PERSON'S LIFE RESPECTFULLY IN JUST A FEW LINES. HERE, LOOK AT ONE I JUST DID...
Here layeth Bob.
Who never got a job.
But don't be sad, be sunny.
He's done leeching your money.
I DON'T THINK I'LL HIRE YOU.
HEY... DOES ANYTHING RHYME WITH "DRUNKEN HOBO"?

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS FOR PEOPLE'S TOMBSTONES.
YEAH... THIS ONE'S TOUGH, THOUGH, 'CAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T SEEM TO DO A LOT.
LET ME SEE.
He lived. He died. We barely cried.
QUITE A TRIBUTE.
HEY. IT RHYMES.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY, PING PING.
Wuhh?
I SAY... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
So?
WHY DO YOU THINK THE ZOO HAS SO MUCH TROUBLE GETTING LING-LING TO MATE WITH PING PING?
WHO KNOWS.

HEY, RAT... YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY E-MAIL ABOUT HELPING ME MOVE SOME STUFF OUT OF STORAGE.
OH, I RESPONDED. AND I SAID YES... YOU PROBABLY DELETED IT.
WHY WOULD I DELETE YOUR EMAIL?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I TITLED IT 'DISCOUNT PHARMACEUTICALS.'
I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH SUBJECT LINES.

THE ADVENTURES OF DANNY DONKEY
A Children's Story by Rat
Danny Donkey hated
happy people.
I hate you.
He hated their music.
He hated their weekend plans.
Their family photos.
And their unsolicited advice.
But most of all,
he hated their willingness
to whistle.
So Danny Donkey bought a "Bonk O' Matic 2000" and gave each and every happy person he
met one solid whack on the head.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN'T END A CHILDREN'S BOOK THIS WAY... AT A MINIMUM, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DANNY'S BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.
QUESTION IT IN SOME WAY ...
Why he didn't smash them repeatedly,
we'll never know.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR DAN.
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
IT'S MY WIFE... IT REALLY BUGS ME WHEN SHE FLIRTS
WITH OTHER MEN. MAYBE I'M JUST TOO POSSESSIVE...
OH, GEE, DAN...YOU
SHOULD NEVER BE
TOO POSSESSIVE...
YOUR WIFE WILL
THINK YOU DON'T
TRUST HER.
YEAH,
YOU'RE
RIGHT.
I'M
GONNA
APOLOGIZE.
I'LL WAIT 'TIL SHE'S DONE.

PIG GOT A JOB. HE'S A TRAVEL AGENT.
TRAVEL AGENT? DON'T MOST PEOPLE JUST USE THE INTERNET NOW?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID...BUT HE SAID A GOOD TRAVEL AGENT CAN DIFFERENTIATE HIMSELF BY PROVIDING UNIQUE ADDED VALUE.
WHAT'S HE HAVE IN MIND?
I will scrub your toes.

Ees piranha ready, Bob?
Piranha ready, Fred.
Petting zoo
zeebas FREE!!
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS.

DO NOT PANIC, BUT WE ARE BEING INVADED BY SOME KIND OF ROBOT ANDROID SPACE ALIENS.
THAT'S A BLUETOOTH.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU KNOW YOUR SPACE ALIENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CATALOGING MY BODY PARTS.
WHY?
SO IF I LOSE THEM, I CAN REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE.

OHH, PIG... YOU GOTTA HELP ME... I FEEL TERRIBLE... I HIT A SQUIRREL DRIVING MY CAR...
WHY’D YOU LET HIM DRIVE YOUR CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE?
MAYBE I’LL GET HELP FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

What matter you, Meester Sad Girly Face?
I RAN OVER A SQUIRREL WHILE I WAS DRIVING HOME. I FEEL TERRIBLE...
Oh, peese. Beeg whoop.
Yeah. Like beeg whoop, man.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF FEMALE PHRASES
Phrase No. 51
"It's okay."
Definition:
"It's not okay. And if you do it, I'll go off on you in about three weeks for something unrelated."
HAHAHA... SO TRUE. SO TRUE...UH...SORRY, SWEETIE...
OH. IT'S OKAY.

OH NO, zeeba neighba!… IS ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN FROM DA OUTER SPACE! WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN?
Me...Need...Zeeba...Specimen...Or...Me...is...Destroy...Planet.
GOOD. THEN MAYBE ALL THIS MISERY WILL END.
Okay...Dat like really bad attitude.
Yeah, man. Like, take you Prozac.

Listen; Check this out.
Duuude: You're not gonna believe this.
Duuuuwud: What you just said really ticked me off.
Dude Dude Dude: Hot chick at nine o'clock.
THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
Duuuuud.
Dude Dude Dude.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES
Phrase No. 44:
"I'm swamped."
Definition:
"I generally surf the internet eight hours per workday, but am currently in the midst of a five-minute project."
HEY RAT, WOULD YOU MIND—
SORRY, DUDE. TOTALLY SWAMPED.

Dear Diary,
I am fat. I am
going to join a gym.
I will go there every
day. I will lose 50
pounds.
YOU DUMB PIG. IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU GOTTA START SMALL. SET REALISTIC GOALS.
I will drive by
the gym on
my way to
McDonald's.

OKAY, I'LL GUARD DUCK. I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WRITE A LETTER OF APOLOGY TO HUGO CHAVEZ FOR DECLARING WAR ON HIS COUNTRY.
WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?
YOU ALMOST BLEW UP HIS EMBASSY... WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD SAY TO HIM?
Oopsydoopsies.

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE OPENING A NEW TWENTY-FOUR HOUR SEAFOOD RESTAURANT DOWNTOWN. IT'S CALLED "COD-ALL-NIGHTIE"!
IS THAT SO?
YEAH... AND TO CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT THEY SERVE FISH FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, THEY'RE GIVING THE FIRST 100 CUSTOMERS A FREE... HMM... I CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT... A... ATLAS?
ATASS... IT'S PRONOUNCED, 'ATASS'... AND THOSE ARE WORTH FIFTY BUCKS. LET'S GO GET ONE AND SELL IT ON EBAY.
HI... WE'D LIKE AN ATLAS!
OH, I THINK WE GAVE AWAY THE LAST ONE.
WAIT WAIT... WE DO HAVE ONE LEFT...
YES!
FREE ATASS!! FREE ATASS!!
THANK COD-ALL-NIGHTIE FOR OUR FREE ATASS!!
SAY GOODNIGHT, GRACIE.

THE ZEBRA/CROC MEDIATION
I'M SORRY, GENTLEMEN, BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CUT THE MEDIATION SHORT AND EVACUATE THE BUILDING.
WHAT FOR?
WE SHARE THE BUILDING WITH SOME SOUTH AMERICAN CONSULATES AND IT APPEARS SECURITY IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SOME-ONE IN THE PARKING LOT.
Uh...Dónde está Hugo Chavez?

THE FIRST STEP IN MEDIATION IS THE
COMMUNICATION OF FEELINGS IN AN
OPEN, NON-JUDGMENTAL ENVIRON-
MENT... MR. ZEBRA, WHY DON'T YOU
GO FIRST... START WITH, "I FEEL ..."
WELL, I FEEL
SCARED. I'M
AFRAID OF
DYING. AND
I FEEL
VULNERABLE...
SOMETIMES
IT'S JUST ALL
TOO MUCH.
OOOOOOOHHH...
Weepy weepy
leetle girl...
THAT'S A LITTLE
JUDGMENTAL.

HEY, RAT... YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO HEAR THIS... IT'S GUARD DUCK'S "OFFICIAL MORNING BRIEFING" ON THE FRONT YARD.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A BIG PATCH OF GRASS THAT SEPARATES US FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
AND THEY SAY I'M SLOW...

GOOD MORNING, SIR… I HAVE YOUR MORNING BRIEFING, SIR… THAT’S WHERE I UPDATE YOU ON THE COMMINGS AND GOINGS IN THE FRONT YARD, SIR.
OH, OKAY. LET’S HEAR IT.
ITEM ONE: THE FRONT PORCH LIGHT IS BROKEN, SIR… ITEM TWO: THE FRONT HEDGE NEEDS TRIMMING, SIR… OH, AND ITEM THREE… UHHH… I’VE DECLARED WAR ON VENEZUELA.
LEMME GUESS. YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE PORCH LIGHT BROKE.

THE ZEBRA/CROC MEDIATION
Okay, before we start, Mr. Zebra, it seems you’ve brought something to the mediation.
Yes. It’s a book called “The Glory Of Reptiles.” It’s for the crocs.
What a nice way to start things off… Mr. Crocodile, did you happen to bring anything?
Rope to choke zeeba.
This might be a good time for a coffee break.