Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Pig,
Well, it's me, your old Guard Duck. I finally made it to Paris with the girl of my dreams, Maura. It is the happiest I have ever been.
The only complication so far has been the arrival of my former associate, Mr. Snuffles, a resourceful cat who somehow followed us to France.
While Mr. Snuffles has promised to respect our privacy, I must say that at times he feels a bit like a third wheel.
Meooowww.

WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE GUARD DUCK?
HE LEFT. MAURA, THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, FINALLY RETURNED FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION. NOW THEY'RE FLYING TO PARIS TOGETHER.
I THOUGHT YOUR GUARD DUCK DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FLY.
HE DOESN'T.
THEN HOW'S HE S'POSED TO GET ALL THE WAY TO PARIS?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?

Whuh matter you, woorman?
Studip printer's not working. It's out of ink.
Froo froo
froo froo
Paper jam, boy!
It ees me.
Spidey sense tell me you have paper jam.
NO. WE HAVE AN EMPTY PRINTER CARTRIDGE.
Preenter cartridge? Dat like sooo esspensive... Such reep-off... And no me has powerrr to feex... Oh, no... Me fading fast... Look... like... evil... preenter...
...defeet me.
THUD!
YOUR SUPERHERO IS SOMETHING LESS THAN SUPER.
CURSE YOU, EVIL HOOLITT PACKURD!!

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BOB... HE WORKS IN CONSTRUCTION.
WHAT DO YOU BUILD?
HOUSES.
FROM THE GROUND UP?
CEILING DOWN.
BUSINESS IS REALLY DROPPING.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR MEET
Okay, if we ees all be on same superteam, we ees all need learn leetle bit 'bout other guy's skills.
Paper Jam Boy, how is you clear paper jams?
Ohhhhh... Dat pretty involved.
You really want know?
We really want know.
BOOT
BOOT
BOOT

Whuh matter you, Frank?
Everyone now got super skill 'cept me.
Jus tink someting world really need.
Hmm... Well, sometime when me go bathroom at night, me is close door but it no stay close becus house old and floor no level...
And thus arose Doorstoppo.

OKAY, SO NOW WE KNOW BOB IS PAPER JAM BOY...HIS SUPER ABILITY IS CLEAR PAPER JAMS.
BUT WHAT FRED SUPER SKILL?
ME NOT KNOW. HOW YOU PLAN SAVE EARTH, FRED?
HOW? ME TELL YOU HOW. WHAT IF AFTER BOB CLEAR PAPERS FROM PAPER JAM, DEY ESS BLOW EVERYWHERE, BUT BOB NEEDED DEM STAY TOGETHER IN NICE NEAT, ORIGINAL ORDER?
AND THUS WAS BORN STAPLER HEAD.

Okay, if we ees be superhero, we ees need super special skills. You know, like ability lift earth, breathe fire, freeze oceans, catch bullets.
Me is clear paper jams.
Dat pretty special.

WHY ARE ALL THE CROCS DRESSED UP?
IT'S SOME SUPERHERO THING. THE IDIOTS ARE CALLING THEMSELVES 'THE FANTASTIC FOUR.'
THERE'S ONLY THREE OF THEM.
MATH IS NOT PART OF THEIR FANTASTICALNESS.

Danny Donkey went to a "Save the Planet" rally.
If the world is filled with lies and greed and war should we try to save it?
The people stood in awe.
We shouldn't!!
WE SHOULDN'T!!
People gave long speeches. They denounced lies and greed and war. They gave everyone hope.
Everyone cheered. Everyone agreed we had to save the planet.
Danny Donkey grabbed the microphone.
"Why?" he asked.
And with that, the crowd roared. And the "Save the Planet" rally became the "Destroy the Planet" rally.
Save the Planet
THIS IS YOUR "CELEBRATE EARTH DAY" BOOK?
HEY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CELEBRATING.
I'M GONNA GO CUT DOWN A TREE RIGHT NOW!!

SOME PEOPLE THINK THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH.
THAT'S THE KEY?
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
OKAY. HANG ON.
MA? ... IT'S ME. BAD NEWS. I'M DYING. GOODBYE.
DYING?! OH GAAAHHD!!
SO FAR, NOT A LOT OF HAPPINESS.

Whuh you watching, Larry
Some kind nature show, but me no unnerstann.
Whuh you no unnerstann?
Dese beeg beast guys fight for terrytory, but no one bother eet striped guys running round.
What point of dat?
It’s called football, Dad. And you can’t eat the referees.
Laagame.

THE COUNTY LIBRARIANS ARE AT THE DOOR. THEY SAY YOU HAVE AN OVERDUE BOOK.
TELL 'EM I'LL GIVE IT TO 'EM WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY.
THEY'D LIKE IT NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH NEXT WEEK, SO I'M PRACTICING IT IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR TO BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE.
WHY BOTHER? YOU STINK.
IT'S NOT HELPING.

I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THE SIZE OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT AND ALL OF OUR GOVERNMENT SPENDING.
YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME SOMEONE DISCUSSES THESE ISSUES, THEY ALWAYS LIKE TO CONVENIENTLY IGNORE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
YOU MEAN SOCIAL SECURITY?
I MEAN THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
I LIKE TO DISCUSS ISSUES, TOO.
CRUSH HIM, TINY.
CHECK, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM CARRYING AROUND A WINDOW. I CALL IT STEP ONE OF MY GRAND PLAN TO ISOLATE MYSELF FROM A WORLD I DO NOT LIKE.
BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH SO MANY INTERESTING PEOPLE… PEOPLE WHO’D LIKE TO MEET YOU… PEOPLE WHO’D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU…
I CALL THIS ‘STEP TWO.’

GOOD MORNING, SIR. I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY HELMET, SIR… I’M GIVING UP THE ARMY LIFE.
WHY?
MAURA, SIR… SHE’S BACK IN MY LIFE… WE’RE GONNA TRAVEL THE WORLD… I’M A CHANGED DUCK.
OH, I’LL GUARD DUCK. YOU EVEN SHAVED.
PERMISSION TO HUG YOU GOODBYE, SIR?
OH, AND ONE MORE THING, SIR. I LEFT YOU A LITTLE NOTE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. I WANT YOU TO READ IT WHEN I’M GONE.
OH NO, I’LL GUARD DUCK. I CAN’T TAKE A GOODBYE NOTE. IS IT A GOODBYE NOTE?
IT’S A LIST OF WHERE I BURIED THE MINES, SIR.
OH.
YOU’LL WANT TO KEEP TO THIS SIDE OF THE BEGONIAS, SIR.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN A BUCKET?
BECAUSE THE WORLD IS ENDING AND I WANT TO SURVIVE.
WHAT WILL SITTING IN A BUCKET DO?
WHENEVER YOU SEE PICTURES OF A TRAGEDY, NONE OF THE VICTIMS ARE EVER SITTING IN A BUCKET.
SO?
SO GUYS WHO SIT IN BUCKETS MUST DO FINE.
PERHAPS I CHOSE A BAD BUCKET.

OKAY, GUYS. IT SEEMS LIKE WITH OIL, FOOD AND ALL THE OTHER WORLD'S COMMODITIES, NEWSPAPER INK IS NOW IN SHORT SUPPLY.
SO ?
SO THAT MEANS CUTBACKS. LIKE TODAY, NO PANEL LINES.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD. CAN WE DO ANYTHING ELSE ?
NEXT TIME KEEP YOUR FAT MOUTH SHUT.
LOOK! MY IDEAL BODY WEIGHT !

SO WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO BECOME AN ARCHITECT, FRANK LLOYD RAT?
I SHALL EXPLAIN THROUGH THE USE OF THIS GRAPHIC HELD ALOFT BY MY ASSISTANT. YOU SEE, THIS IS I, THE ARCHITECT... I SOAR TO THE HEAVENS ALONGSIDE MY NOBLE EDIFICES.
WHO ARE THOSE GUYS PULLING YOU DOWN?
WE CALL THEM 'CLIENTS.'
UNHAND MY WINGS, YE PETTY LITTLE BEAN COUNTERS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM FRANK LLOYD RAT, MASTER ARCHITECT, AND THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF MY LATEST MASTERPIECE, AN OFFICE BUILDING MADE OF NOTHING BUT ROTATING CHEESE
THIS COULD REALLY BE HARD TO BUILD.
MY ENGINEER IS QUITE LAME.

Pig's Goals for Next Summer:
Cool off with fabulous vacation at seaside resort in Cancun. Body surf in Caribbean. Snorkel off Cozumel reef. Drink mai tais by hotel pool.
DUDE, THOSE VACATIONS COST LIKE FIVE GRAND. YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC.
Sit in backyard and hope sprinkler hits me.

HEUO?
HI, PIG… IT'S ME, PIGITA… ARE YOU TAKING ME TO DINNER TONIGHT OR NOT?
I'D LOVE TO, PIGITA, BUT WITH ALL THE EXTRA MONEY I'VE BEEN SPENDING ON GAS, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CASH TO BUY US BOTH A BIG DINNER.
FINE, YOU BIG LOSER CHEAPSKATE. WE CAN GO DUTCH.
HOW DOES THIS HELP?

MAURA... YOU CAME BACK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I LOVED YOU... BUT YOU LEFT ME. I SHOULD HATE YOU.
I DO HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU... NEVER... DO YOU UNDERSTAND "NEVER"?
GO AWAY! GET! GO! GO GO GO GET GO!
KIIIIIIISSS LOVE
ALL IS FORGIVEN.

Despondent, the buttocks wept.
Wow, nice. You're still writing a novel with a "buttocks" for a protagonist... gee, why don't you write a really ambiguous ending where your despondent buttocks drives his car off a cliff? Did he do it intentionally? Did he secretly want to die? Gosh, who knows? It's a masterpiece. They all have ambiguous endings... we can debate it for years.
No true literary genius has ever escaped the contempt of his peers. I do not expect my situation to be different... now run along.
Mocking the warning of the certified Midas brake specialist, the buttocks drove to the mountains.