Pearls Before Swine | Search

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
HEY YOU... PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
WHAT KIND OF DAD COMES ALL THE WAY TO THE PARK WITH HIS LITTLE GIRL AND THEN SPENDS HALF THE TIME ON HIS CELL PHONE?... WHAT'S THAT TEACHING YOUR KID?
THAT'S NOT MY KID.
LET'S GO, SWEETIE... I DON'T WANT YOU EXPOSED TO... WHATEVER...
WHAT'S THAT TEACHING KIDS?

LIKE MOTHER TERESA, I HAVE FOUND A PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! WHAT IS IT?
I AM GOING TO FIND EVERY IDIOT WHO'S EVER POSED FOR A PHOTO BY RESTING HIS CHIN ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND AND BEAT HIM WITH THIS CUCUMBER.
HEY, GUYS, LOOK! I JUST GOT MY PHOTO TAKEN, AND BOY, DO I LOOK THOUGHTFUL!
I'M SENSING A CUCUMBER MOMENT.
RUN, PIG. RUN.

SO, SON, HOW'S YOUR WORK?
FINE, MA. I'VE BEEN IN THE COMIC STRIP FIVE YEARS NOW. DO YOU STILL READ IT?
YES, BUT I DON'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND IT. AND WHY DO THEY CALL YOU 'GOAT'? YOUR NAME IS 'PARIS.'
I KNOW, MA. IT'S JUST A STAGE NAME.
WELL, IT'S A DUMB NAME IF YOU ASK ME. AND WHY DO THEY GIVE ALL THE JOKES TO THAT PIG? CAN'T YOU SAY FUNNY LINES?
HOW 'BOUT WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, MA.?
SURE.
HOW COME YOU DON'T VISIT MORE OFTEN?

GOAT RETURNS HOME TO SEE HIS FAMILY.
OH, SON... WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON... BUT FIRST, EAT... EAT... YOU'RE MUCH TOO SKINNY... NOW HERE'S SOME--
SWEETHEART, YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR FISH... IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT?
UM FUH, MAH.
FUL... ALREADY?

GOAT RETURNS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
MOM!
SON!
THUD
BAG O' GUILT
YOU COULDN'T EVEN WAIT 'TIL I GOT IN THE FRONT DOOR?
NOPE.

GOAT FLIES HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
I'M SO NERVOUS... I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... LIKE WHAT IF MY FAMILY'S CHANGED?...
...OR WHAT IF I'VE CHANGED? ...OR WHAT IF I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THEM?...
...OR WHAT IF I SUFFOCATE BETWEEN TWO FAT GUYS IN COACH?
MOVE THE SNOUT, PAL. YOU'RE CROWDING MY ELBOW.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF.
WHERE TO?
FLYING HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY AND MY RELATIVES. I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN TWELVE YEARS.
HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.
I DON'T LIKE TO PUSH MY LUCK.

HULLOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEESTEN... ME TINK YOU WAS VERY LUCKY TO ESCAHPE US CROC DIS WEEK. WE ALMOST EAT YOU ALIVE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I DON'T THINK YOU COULD HAVE ACTUALLY EATEN ME. I DON'T THINK YOUR CONSCIENCE WOULD'VE LET YOU.
CONSHUSS?... WHAT IS DIS CONSHUSS?
ME, MY SON. I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE, AND THE KILLING AND EATING OF OTHERS IS WRONG! YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS!
TOSS
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
ME ALWAYS TINK BETTER AFTER LEETLE SNACK.

Okay, zeeba, you time up...
Peesa say goodbye to you sad leetle life...
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY
"MAKE MY DAY."

OUR HERO, EGO-MAN, DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF, HEARS THE CRY OF AN ANGUISHED SOUL!
EGO-MAN! EGO-MAN! SAVE ME!
WHAT IS IT?
THE CROCS! THEY'RE ABOUT TO EAT ME! I WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME?
YOU? NOTHING! IT'S ME THEY WANT TO EAT!!
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM.

Okay, precessors…
We have decided to let one of you go.
Which one should us pick?
OHHHH, NO… YOU’RE NOT GONNA BREAK OUR UNITY…
EITHER FREE BOTH OF US OR NONE.
“Zebra meat tastes guuuud.”
I ALWAYS DID LIKE BILLY BETTER.

ZEBRA, BEFORE WE DIE, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU JUST ONE QUESTION... WHY'D YOU RISK YOUR LIFE TO SAVE ME?
BECAUSE, JEFFY, I LIKE YOU... YOU REPRESENT INNOCENCE... A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN THINGS WERE KINDER AND SIMPLER. A TIME WHEN PEOPLE CARED ABOUT ONE ANOTHER.
"WHATEVER."
YOU'RE KIND OF RUINING THE MOMENT, JEFFY.

RAT! RAT! ZEBRA GOT CAUGHT BY THE CROCS!
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?
LITTLE JEFFY THOUGHT THE CROCS' SWAMP WAS A SWIMMING POOL AND DOVE IN! ZEBRA TRIED TO SAVE HIM AND THE CROCS CAUGHT THEM BOTH!
SO THAT'S WHY THE CROCS MADE ME DISMISS THEIR SUIT! I'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FAST.
YES, BUT WHAT?
SEND THEM MY FINAL BILL.
I MEANT ABOUT ZEBRA.
DON'T TELL ME HE OWES ME MONEY.

RAT, ESQUIRE... RAT SPEAKING.
HULLO, RAT... IS ME, CROC. WE WANT DISMISS LAWSOOT AGAINST ZEEBA.
DISMISS IT?? YOU'RE INSANE. YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA CATCH THAT ZEBRA ON YOUR OWN??
YES. AND ME WILL HAVE DA JIFFY DESSERT, TOO.
JIFFY? YOU MEAN THE POPCORN?

HEY RAT...
WHAT'S JEFFY FROM "THE FAMILY CIRCUS" DOING HERE?
IT'S PART OF A DEAL. OUR CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS WANDERING INTO THE "FAMILY CIRCUS," SO WE'RE LETTING THEIR CHARACTERS HANG OUT HERE.
THAT'S GREAT... THE "FAMILY CIRCUS" IS SO SWEET. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY, LITTLE JEFFY?
I HUGGED MY MOMMY. I PLAYED WITH BARFY. I MISPRONOUNCED SOME WORDS. THEN I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU.
WOW... YOU'RE A BUSY BOY, JEFFY. HEY! LET'S LOOK BACK AND SEE THAT DOTTED TRAIL OF EVERYTHING YOU DID!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S REALLY NECESSARY... I MEAN...
SO I'M BATTLING A FEW DEMONS...

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
TIMMY THE ZOMBIE. I WAS LISTENING TO MY "IPOD" IN THE GRAVEYARD AND HE FOLLOWED ME HOME.
WHY'D YOU BRING HIM HERE?
I DUNNO. I FIGURED IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE HE HAD A NICE MEAL, SO I THOUGHT I'D TREAT HIM TO SOME FRIED CHEESE STICKS.
FRIED CHEESE STICKS? THOSE THINGS'LL GIVE YOU A CORONARY.
HE'S NOT TOO CONCERNED ABOUT CORONARIES.

AFTER MUCH STUDY, I HAVE DETERMINED THE CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
IDIOTS THE WORLD OVER SPOUTING THEIR WORTHLESS OPINIONS… THE EXCESSIVE HOT AIR IS KILLING US.
BEFORE YOU RETORT, CONSIDER THE ENVIRONMENTAL CONSEQUENCES.

HI, PIGITA. SORRY I'M LATE.
YOU BETTER BE. IT'S OUR SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY... AND WHAT'S THAT?
A SLINKY... YOU KNOW, IT'S SLINKY, IT'S SLINKY, FOR FUN IT'S A WONDERFUL TOY.
WHY WOULD YOU BRING A G@$#!@# SLINKY TO AN EVENT AS IMPORTANT AS OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER?
I THOUGHT WE WERE EXCHANGING GIFTS.
I GUESS WE'RE NOT EXCHANGING GIFTS.

THE "FAMILY CIRCUS" INVADES "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"
ALRIGHT, JEFFY... IF YOU'RE GONNA STAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
"LIKE WHAT?"
LIKE STOP TALKING UNDER THE PANELS... IT'S HARD TO SEE.
"THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM."
ALRIGHT, SMART@#*, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
HEY! HEY! THAT'S MY SPACE.

RAT! YOU ESCAPED FROM THE FAMILY CIRCUS! HOW'D YOU DO IT?
I HAD TO PROMISE BIL KEANE WE'D NEVER WANDER INTO THE "FAMILY CIRCUS" AGAIN. OH, AND WE HAVE TO LET HIS CHARACTERS WANDER INTO OUR STRIP NOW AND THEN.
BUT WE'RE SO DARK, AND THEY'RE SO SWEET.
OH, PLEASE.
COMIC STRIP HUMOR IS COMIC STRIP HUMOR.
I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

RAT IS CAPTURED BY "FAMILY CIRCUS" FANS
C'MON, BIL... TELL YOUR CRAZY FANS YOU LOVE IT WHEN WE PARODY YOUR COMIC.
TELL ME. WHICH PART DID I LOVE?
WAS IT WHEN YOU HAD THE KIDS HUGGING THEIR "DEAD GRANDPA"?
"WE LOVE YOU, DEAD GRANDPA."
WAS IT WHEN JEFFY WAS A FELON?
OR WAS IT WHEN YOU HAD OSAMA BIN LADEN LIVING WITH THEM?
"I'M SORRY, OSAMA, BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN: AMERICA-- NOT DEATH TO AMERICA."
YOU'RE GONNA LET ME GET KILLED, AREN'T YOU BIL'?
OH, NOT ME.

COMING.
HI. WE'RE THE HYENAS. WE JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND SEE IF YOU HAVE ANY LEFTOVERS.
LEFTOVERS? LIKE WHAT?
DEAD GUYS. WE'RE NOT PICKY.
WHAT, YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET YOU EAT ONE OF MY RELATIVES?
JUST A DEAD ONE. MAYBE AN UNCLE OR SOMETHING.
YOU LISTEN TO ME. IF ONE OF MY RELATIVES DIES, I TAKE THEM TO A FUNERAL HOME... FOR A PROPER BURIAL... ONE FILLED WITH RESPECT AND LOVE AND DIGNITY!
SLAM!
DING DONG
AND BY "FUNERAL HOME"

RAT IS CAPTURED BY "FAMILY CIRCUS" FANS
LISTEN, WHEN I POKE FUN OF "FAMILY CIRCUS", BIL KEANE LOVES IT. I... I SWEAR... HERE, GIVE ME YOUR CELL... I'LL PROVE IT.
BIL KEANE HERE.
Heeeeeeeee. BIL, IT'S ME, RAT, FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"...
WHY YOU LITTLE @#$%!*
PERHAPS BIL'S HAVING A BAD MORNING.

SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA
SIR, PLEASE... HELP ME!! I'M DYING OF THIRST.
AREN'T YOU THAT LI'L RAT FROM THE FUNNIES THAT LIKES TO POKE FUN AT THE OLDER COMICS?
YES! THAT'S ME! WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT HERE?
"FAMILY CIRCUS" CONVENTION, YOU LITTLE G%$#%!
THIS IS NOT GOOD.

SOMEWHERE NEAR SURPRISE, ARIZONA
PIG, IT'S ME, RAT. MY CAR BROKE DOWN. I NEED HELP, AND MAKE IT QUICK. MY CELL PHONE BATTERY IS DYING.
OH, MY GOODNESS...WHERE ARE YOU?
SURPRISE!
OH, I LOVE SURPRISES!
YOU SAID IT WAS A SURPRISE.
I DID NOT SAY IT WAS A SURPRISE.
THEN WHERE ARE YOU IF IT'S NOT A SURPRISE?
SURPRISE!
RAT, IS THAT YOUR CELL PHONE BATTERY WARNING?
RAT? RAT?
RAT- RAT- RAT-