Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM ERNEST HEMINGRAT. I AM GOING TO BE A GREAT WRITER BY CHRONICLING THE EVERY DAY HAPPENINGS AROUND ME. I SHALL LEAVE OUT NOTHING.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE HARD TO HAVE EVERY EMBARRASSING DETAIL OF YOUR LIFE KNOWN TO EVERYONE?
YES, WHICH IS WHY I'VE DECIDED TO ONLY CHRONICLE YOU.
ME? BUT HOW WILL I BE DEPICTED?
"Poorly," he told the fat, stupid pig.

Danny Donkey hated men who followed trends.
I hate them.
He hated baggy jeans.
He hated caps that had to be worn a certain way.
He hated stubble.
And he really, really hated neatly trimmed goatees.
ARE YOU DONE?
BUT MOST OF ALL HE HATED OVERSENSITIVE TALENTLESS CARTOONISTS WHO THINK THEY'RE GOD'S GIFT TO CARTOONING.
HEH HEH HEH
DON'T WE ALL, DANNY DONKEY...
DON'T WE ALL

I'M TOO STRESSED. TOO NERVOUS. TOO RUSHED. I NEED PEACE IN MY LIFE. I NEED CALM.
TRY MEDITATION.
DIDN'T WORK.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH PIG'S GYMNASTICS TRAINING?
THEY'VE GOT HIM DOING THE VAULT.
THE VAULT? I HOPE SOME- ONE EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT AT THE END OF THAT RUN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT THAT SPRINGBOARD AND LAND ON TOP OF THE VAULT.
WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO?

HEY, PASTIS, SINCE THIS COMIC
IS SUPPOSEDLY READ BY LOTS
OF PEOPLE, I’D LIKE TO START
INTRODUCING NEW PHRASES
INTO THE POPULAR LEXICON...
YOU KNOW, LEAVE MY MARK.
WHAT KIND
OF PHRASES?
CATCHY
ONES. LIKE
‘PULLING
A PASTIS.’
WHAT’S
‘PULLING
A PASTIS’?
‘TO FAIL, TO FALL ON
ONE’S FACE, TO TURN
ONE’S OWN LIFE INTO
A GROSS ABOMINATION
OF ALL THAT IS
WONDERFUL.’
OH, SURE... KILL
THE MESSENGER.

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO LEAVE EVERY PLACE I VISIT A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHEN I ARRIVED.
I THINK YOU DO THAT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE A ROOM, I SAY TO MYSELF, "HEY, THE ROOM'S A LITTLE BETTER.
OHH, THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
THE BEST INSULTS ARE THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE COMPLIMENTS.

HOW'S PIG DOING ON THE WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS TEAM?
HE'S DOING THE RINGS.
THE RINGS?? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH UPPER BODY STRENGTH IT TAKES TO HANG FROM THOSE THINGS?
YEAH. I'M NOT SURE HOW HE'S ABLE TO DO IT.

PIG IS TAKING GYMNASTICS. HE WANTS TO ONE DAY BE ON THE U.S. OLYMPIC TEAM. CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE EFFEMINATE THAN THAT?
ARE YOU NUTS? THERE'S NOTHING EFFEMINATE ABOUT WANTING TO BE ON A GYMNASTICS TEAM.
THERE IS WHEN IT'S THE WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS TEAM.
CALL ME NADIA.

Dear David Beckham,
You are a great
soccer player! How
can I be a great
soccer player?
Dear Andy...
Practice!
Practice!
Practice!
How
else ?

HEY, WHY'D THEY CHANGE THE COLOR OF THESE DINER STOOLS?
I DUNNO. WHY'S IT MATTER?
BECAUSE THIS REPRESENTS CHANGE. I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE. I LIKE EVERY ASPECT OF MY DAY TO REMAIN EXACTLY THE SAME, AS DEVIATIONS SUCH AS THIS CARRY THE DEVASTATING POTENTIAL FOR DESTROYING THE FRAGILE BALANCE THAT IS ME.
IT'S A CHAIR.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT HOME, CRYING, IN A DARK CORNER OF MY CLOSET.

DO YOU THINK I'M FAT?
YES. YOU'RE FAT.
YOU KNOW, MOST FRIENDS TRY TO SAY SOMETHING REASSURING WHEN THEY'RE ASKED A QUESTION LIKE THAT.
REST ASSURED, YOU'RE FAT.
NEVER MIND.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I FEEL COMPELLED TO WARN YOU OF SOMETHING... YOUR NEW PEN PALS -- THE CROCS -- ARE JUST BEFRIENDING YOU TO EAT YOU.
EAT ME? WHY?
YOU'RE A PIG, SIR... THE CROCS LEARNED YOU'RE THE SOURCE OF PORK AND SAUSAGE AND HAM AND BACON.
OH MY.
YOU'RE SHOCKED.
I'M HUNGRY.
YOU'RE DISTURBING ME, SIR.

I'M AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.
WHY ?
BECAUSE IT'S SO NEBULOUS.
WHAT DOES NEBULOUS MEAN ?
IT'S REALLY UNCLEAR.
THEN WHY USE THE WORD ?
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

Hulllooo leetle piggy... How you like play game? We call 'No Go Croc Mout.'
OH, BOY! HOW'S IT WORK?
You ees run toward croc mout'! Eef you avoid mout', you WEEN!
I WIN? OH, BOY! BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T AVOID IT?
Uh. You lose.
NUTS.
Weening not eevryting.

DID I GET ANY MAIL?
DID I GET ANY MAIL?
YOU DID, ACTUALLY. YOU BETTER NOT BE ACTING AS YOUR OWN PEN PAL AGAIN.
I'M NOT. I GOT A REAL PEN PAL. SOMEONE WHO WRITES ALL THE TIME! SOMEONE WHO KEEPS INVITING ME TO HIS HOUSE! FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A FRIEND AS MUCH AS I DO! HE'S EVEN GIVEN ME A NICKNAME, STRANGE AS IT IS.
WHAT'S THE NICKNAME?
Dear Bacon Butt

LARRY! LARRY! YOU IS NO BELIEVE IT!
What ees it, Floyd?
Me is watch dackenamerny, Larry. On teesleevish! It show factory dat make ham, pork, bacon, SAUSAGE! Me see how dey make it all!
WOT?? Larry want go dere right now!
HA! DAT BEST PART, LARRY! We not need go dere to get food.
You is better not messing wid Larry, Floyd, becuss dis like BEST DAY EVER OF LARRY LIFE!!
Me not. All dis fud in one building close to us, Larry! One building. We juss need go dere!!
LARRY WANT GO MAGICAL BILDEEN NOWWWNNN
SOMEONE'S AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR YOU.

Dear Me,
Hi, You're nice. Will
you be my pen-pal?
If yes, please so
indicate with a happy
smiley face.
(like this)
DUDE, IF IT EVER FOUND OUT
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS
SUCH A LOSER THAT HE
AGREED TO BECOME HIS
OWN PEN PAL, I WOULD
KICK HIS SAD LOSER BUTT
FROM HERE TO THE POST
OFFICE.

Dear cell phone company,
Last month I exceeded my monthly minutes while talking to my relatives and got charged extra.
While I admit making these calls to my relatives I must ask for a refund for the following reason.
I did not enjoy their conversation.
HOPEFULLY, THEY KNOW MY RELATIVES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
IT'S MAURA, SIR. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I KNOW IT.
OH, LIL' GUARD DUCK.
I DON'T GET IT, SIR. THEY SAY IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE… WELL, I DID THAT, SIR, AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK… OHHH, SIR… WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN? WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, CHAIN THEM TO A HEAVY KITCHEN APPLIANCE.
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SUGGESTION!
I WANT A GIRLFRIEND, SIR… NOT A HOSTAGE.

THE COWS ARE TAKING HOSTAGES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT HERE, ON THE SIDE OF THE MILK CARTON, THEY PUT A PHOTO OF THIS OLD GUY WHO THEY SAY IS "MISSING." THEN THEY ADD, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?"
I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY DAIRY COWS.

I WENT TO A STARBUCKS ON MONDAY. IT WAS 11:00 A.M. THE CAFE WAS FILLED WITH PEOPLE ALL SITTING AROUND. I BEGAN TO PONDER SOME OF LIFE'S GREATEST MYSTERIES.
LIKE WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS??!!
IT'S THE QUESTION OF OUR AGE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, LIL GUARD DUCK?
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MAURA, MY SOULMATE, THE BENEVOLENT SAVIOR OF MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE, NEVER RETURNED FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M PACKING UP EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY GIFT SHE EVER GAVE ME. I NEVER WANT TO BE REMINDED OF HER AGAIN.
IT'S EMPTY.
SHE NEVER COULD REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.

HEY THERE, MR. CRUMB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M TIRED OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING ON THE STREET. I JUST TOIL AND SWEAT AND EAT FRUIT I FIND OUTSIDE THE MARKET.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A REAL CONUNDRUM. I'D LIKE TO DO SOME SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE... LIKE, I PLAYED GUITAR AND PERCUSSION IN A BAND... MAYBE I SHOULD RETURN TO IT.
WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE THEN I STILL FEEL MY LIFE IS A DUMB IDEA. I'M JUST AS HAPPY TO SIT IN SOME RUNDOWN AREA AND DRINK A LITTLE WINE AND HUM MYSELF A TUNE.
OH, MR. CRUMB. DON'T GET DOWN LIKE THAT.
I TELL YOU, I'M NOT MUCH TO PIG...AND I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS.
ANSWERS TO WHAT?
MR. CRUMB'S CONUNDRUM OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING SOME BUM LIKE A NUMB BUM FROM SOME SCUM OR DRUM UP SOME HUM OR RUN IF DUMB.
YOU'RE A NAUSEA-INDUCING EMBARRASSMENT.
SICK TUM? HAVE SOME GUM.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON, I WILL ONLY MAKE FRIENDS WITH TWINS.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE A FRIEND IS A BIG INVESTMENT OF TIME AND EFFORT AND I'D HATE FOR THAT TO GO TO WASTE.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH TWINS?
IF ONE DIES, THERE'S A SPARE.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. I HEAR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ANDY WANTS TO BE A DISCO DANCER, SIR.
YEAH. AND HE'S A LITTLE WORRIED. HE KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU REACH FOR THE STARS, YOU CATCH A HANDFUL OF CRITICS, ALL TRYING TO STOP YOU.
GEE, SIR. I CAN HELP HIM WITH THAT.