Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, LOOK! A DVD OF "THE OFFICE"! THAT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW!
DON'T TOUCH IT, PIG... IT'S THE ROOF FISH... THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
THE ROOF FISH?
THEY SIT ATOP THE PANEL AND TRY TO CATCH YOU USING THINGS THEY KNOW TEMPT YOU. IF YOU FALL FOR IT, THEY EAT YOU.
SO MUCH FOR OUR BACON BREAKFAST.

OH NO. SOMEONE HAS SHOT BOB THE CROc. LARRY THE CROC INSISTS IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN HIM BECAUSE HE WAS HOME WATCHING TV. WHY DOES SHERLOCK NOT BELIEVE HIM?
HOW TO DRAW PIG
YOUR DRAWING
This drawing of a vase was submitted by Jerry Scott of Malibu, CA.
Which one of these comics was around when Hitler invaded Poland?
A) Blondie
B) Mary Worth
C) Prince Valiant
D) Barney Google
E) Many of the above
F) all of the above
(Answer)

SOMETIMES I LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND WONDER IF ANYTHING I EVER ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE WILL HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANCE.
SOMETIMES I LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND GET HIT BY BIRD DROPPINGS.
FRIENDS LIKE US HAVE LOTS IN COMMON.

I'VE REACHED A CONCLUSION. I HATE THE WORLD.

IS THAT SO?
YES, BUT WHEN I'M DRUNK, I LOVE THE WORLD.
AND THIS MEANS?
THAT MY GETTING TOASTED IS A SELFLESS ACT OF KINDNESS.
YOU COULD AT LEAST BUY THE BEER.

HI, MOM... NO, PIG'S NOT HERE YET... I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GONNA ASK ME TO MARRY HIM... I'M JUST ASSUMING...
I MEAN, WHY ELSE WOULD HE CALL ME AN HOUR BEFORE OUR DINNER DATE AND TELL ME TO EXPECT SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND SPECIAL...
I'VE GOT TO GO, MOM.

EVERYWHERE I GO, I WANT TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM, BUT NO ONE LISTENS.
YEAH. DON’T BOTHER, DUDE. IT’S LIKE CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.
HONK HONK
PEARLS BEFORE SWINE
CLAR CLAR CLAR
THAT WAS ODD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT REMORA FROM A LONG SHOWER.
IT WAS A VERY LONG SHOWER.
HOW YOU GONNA GET THOSE STUPID THINGS OFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
I TRIED EVERY-THING. ALL I KNOW IS IT'S GONNA TAKE SOMETHING WITH A LOT OF FORCE.
HOLD STILL. REAL STILL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
REMORA. THEY'RE THOSE LITTLE FISH
THAT STICK TO SHARKS AND MANTA
RAYS AND STUFF.
THOSE ANIMALS LIVE IN
THE WATER.
I TAKE VERY LONG SHOWERS.

Oookay, zeeba neighba... Now you had it. Dis is all-powerful, all-loving Box God. We pray to them. He hate you.
Is that so?
Yes! Me just ask and he keel you face! So geev up now!
I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOUR BOX GOD!
Whuuuh?? Is you STOOpid? Now you so ded, it almost funny. O, let us PRAY...
Oh, all-powerful Box God, ARISE and show you is all-powerful! Box God of revengessas by chanting you WAH SONG of FURIOUS death.
I love you... You love me... We a happy fam-i-ly!
Dat wasn't right song, Bob.
Me get dem confused.

I'M A BAD LISTENER.
HOW SO?
I ONLY HEAR THINGS I WANT TO HEAR AND DISREGARD THE REST.
OHH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD WAY TO BE..HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT TRYING TO CHANGE?

HAVE YOU AND MAX MET ANY FEMALE LIONS?
Nada, bro. Manes weren't big enough. Roars weren't loud enough.
WHAT'S LEFT?
Physical size, I guess. But what can I do about that?
Cool it with the 'roids, Max.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM A DEPOSED NIGERIAN KING. HE NEEDS MY HELP CASHING A SIXTEEN MILLION DOLLAR CHECK. I’M GOING TO MEET HIM NOW. I’VE HIT THE BIG TIME.
THAT’S A SCAM, PIG. THEY STEAL YOUR MONEY.
YOU SOUND JEALOUS.

SO HAVE YOU AND MAX HAD ANY LUCK MEETING LADIES?
NOPE... OUR MANES WEREN'T BIG ENOUGH.
AREN'T FEMALE LIONS ATTRACTED TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN MANE SIZE?
WELL, THERE'S THE LOUDNESS OF YOUR ROAR, BUT THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT. EITHER YOU GOT IT OR YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES, MAX.

I HEARD SOME FEMALE LIONS ARE VISITING YOU TODAY.
Yep. Me and Max are back on the market, so we want to look our best.
WHAT'S A FEMALE LION ATTRACTED TO?
Manes, mostly. The bigger the mane, the more likely the female is to see you as dominant.
Enough with the blow dryer, Max.

WELL, HELLO, MA'AM... YOU'RE QUITE ATTRACTIVE. DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?
NO.
SIMON SAYS FIND ME ATTRACTIVE.
SIMON SAYS BUY ME ANOTHER BEER.

YOU READY FOR OUR VACATION, PIGITA? GOT THE TICKETS… THE SUNSCREEN… WAIT… THE FIGHT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA FIGHT ABOUT? I DUNNO. WELL, WE HAVE TO FIGHT. IT'S VACATION… HERE, PICK A CARD FROM THE FIGHT BOX. I WANT TO STRUCTURE EVERY MINUTE OF THE VACATION AND YOU DON'T. BUT NOT BAD. YOU PICKED THIS PLACE AND I DIDN'T, SO SUBTLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT… A CLASSIC!! LET'S PICK IT! OKAY FINE, BUT LET'S HURRY, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO MAKE YOU LATE MY WHOLE LIFE! ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE HOW WE'RE REALLY going? OH, SO INCREDIBLE.

DO YOU EVER LOOK DOWN AT YOUR ALPHABET SOUP AND SEE ACTUAL WORDS?
YEAH, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT RANDOM LETTERS TOGETHER. IT'S THE LAW OF PROBABILITIES.
NO ONE LIKES YOU
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

Hello there, mister. I don’t believe we’ve met...
Bzzzzzzz
Bzzzzzzz
Bzzz
Bzzz
Bzzz
Do you talk?
What’s the matter with you, pal? - can’t you see that’s a bee? What bee do you know that talks?
Living in a comic strip can be very confusing.
Bzzz
Bzzz
Bzzz
I tell you, Fowl, the idiots in this place are really getting to me.
Aww, forget about it, Larry... he’s just a dumb pig.

WHO'S THAT SITTING NEXT TO YOU, RAT?
PABLO, THE DRUG-SNIFFING DOG.
OHH... THOSE DOGS ARE AMAZING!
WHAT POLICE AGENCY DOES HE WORK WITH?
POLICE AGENCY?
OOOOOOOH... LOOK AT THE FLYING MONKEYS...

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD HOW DURING ALL THE ROMAN WARS, THE SOLDIERS GOT DRESSED UP ?
THEY DIDN'T GET DRESSED UP. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?
'CASUALTIES.'
YEAH, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE THAT AFTER THE BATTLE OF CARTHAGE, THE FIELD WAS FILLED WITH ALL THESE CASUAL TIES.
HISTORY IS SO CONFUSING.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY THE CRC STORY ENDED, STEPHAN... I LIKE THE ENDINGS OF CHRISTMAS STORIES TO MAKE ME FEEL WARM AND HAPPY AND NICE.
HMM... WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND, PIG?
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
OKAY... JUST FOR YOU, PIG.
"FEAR NOT, FOR BEHOLD, I BRING YOU TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY... FOR UNTO YOU IS BORN THIS DAY IN THE CITY OF DAVID, A S'NIOR."

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PIGITA!
WHAT IS THAT HANGING FROM YOUR EARS?
SCENTED AIR FRESHENERS... I ALWAYS LIKE TO SMELL MY BEST.
THOSE ARE FOR YOUR CAR, YOU IDIOT... THEY'RE NOT SOMETHING YOU WEAR.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE YOUR NECKLACE.

I HAVE DEVELOPED A THEORY THAT EXPLAINS THE ENTIRE HUMAN CONDITION. IT’S CALLED ‘AIRPLANEREFLEXOLOGY’.
WHAT IS IT?
TWO PEOPLE. EACH IN CRAMPED CONDITIONS ON A PLANE. PERSON ‘A’ CAN EASE HIS DISCOMFORT BY RECLINING HIS SEAT.. BUT THERE’S A CATCH…
HIS INCREASED COMFORT CAN ONLY COME AT THE EXPENSE OF PERSON ‘B’ WHO IS FURTHER CRAMPED BY THE RECLINED SEAT IN FRONT OF HIM.
SO WHY WOULD PERSON ‘A’ DO IT?
BECAUSE THE AIRLINE SAYS HE CAN. AND HUMANS ARE INVARIABLY QUEUE-ING. PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY CAN, REGARDLESS OF ITS EFFECT ON OTHERS. AND THAT’S WHY THE WORLD IS IN THE STATE IT’S IN.
SO WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING TO TRY AND CHANGE THAT?
BECAUSE I’D SPILL MY FELLOW PASSENGER’S TRAY TABLE IF THEY LET ME.
WONDERFUL.
HEY.. PHILOSOPHERS LOVE WISDOM, NOT MANKIND.

I'M SO SORRY MY DAD ATE YOUR UNCLE'S LEG, JOY. HE RUINED CHRISTMAS.
IT'S OKAY. MAYBE WE COULD ALL JUST SING SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS TOGETHER. THAT WOULD END IT NICE.
Jeengle bells
Zeebas smell
Uncle Pete lose leg.
Da croc-o-dile
Eat leg while
Pete hop on stump all day.
NEVER MIND.

DAD! YOU KILLED ZEBRA'S UNCLE!! HOW COULD YOU??
No, son, no... Is bucket of 'KFC'. Me realized keesmas about love. And peace. And brudderhood.
HE REALIZED THAT AFTER HE KNOCKED ME UNCONSCIOUS, HE COULDN'T DRAG ME ONTO THE BARBECUE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FAT. THAT, OF COURSE, DIDN'T STOP HIM FROM EATING PART OF MY LEFT LEG.
Way to bring down mood, Stumpy.