Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT GOT PROMOTED BY JOE'S EATERY. THEY SAID HE HAD SOME EXPERIENCE AS AN ATTORNEY AND ASKED HIM TO BE THEIR CORPORATE COUNSEL.
CORPORATE COUNSEL? ... HE WAS ARROGANT AS A MINIMUM WAGE COFFEE SERVER ... WHAT'S HE GONNA BE LIKE AS A CORPORATE ATTORNEY IN A BOARDROOM?
I THINK WE'D VALUE YOUR OPINION A LOT MORE IF YOU'D STOP OPENING YOUR REMARKS WITH, "PEOPLE, PEOPLE, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES!"

I SAW THE MOST INSPIRING MOVIE LAST NIGHT.
WHAT WAS IT?
" 'KARATE KID.' "
'KARATE KID'? WHAT KIND OF LOSER GETS INSPIRED BY A TWENTY-YEAR-OLD KARATE FILM?

HI.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU?
WELL, HEH HEH, YOU MIGHT... I'M THE GUY WHO WRITES THAT BLOG.
WHAT BLOG?
THE ONE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
THEY'RE ALL ON THE WEB.
OH. MINE IS THE ONE WITH LINKS.
THEY ALL DO?
YES!
YES!
AND A SECTION ABOUT THE AUTHOR?
YES!
AND POSTINGS WITH CLEVER LITTLE INSIGHTS?
YES!
AHA!!
'AHA' WHAT?
MINE AREN'T CLEVER.
OH, LORD.
HI... I'M THAT UNCLEVER GUY ON THE INTERNET.

OHHH, THIS JUST CAN'T GET ANY MORE DEPRESSING.
WHAT?
I PUT ALL MY RETIREMENT MONEY INTO AN I.R.A. FIVE YEARS AGO, AND TODAY I HAVE LESS MONEY THAN I STARTED WITH
WOW. THAT WAS DUMB. YOU SHOULD HAVE SKIPPED THE I.R.A. AND GONE WITH A U.T.M.
U.T.M.?
UNDER THE MATTRESS.
I JUST GOT MORE DEPRESSED.
I'M A FINANCIAL GURU!!!

HEY, RAT. MIND IF I BORROW THIS CARDBOARD BOX I FOUND IN YOUR CLOSET? I'M STARTING A BLOG.
A BLOG? WHAT DO YOU NEED A BOX FOR IF YOU'RE DOING A BLOG?
FOR ALL THE MONEY I'M GONNA MAKE.
ARE THERE INTERVENTIONS FOR STUPIDITY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE TAKEN UP JUJITSU, THE ANCIENT ART OF SELF-DEFENSE, A PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINE DESIGNED SOLELY FOR THE PROTECTION OF ONESELF AGAINST UNWARRANTED AGGRESSION.
KAPISSHH
I'VE MISUSED MY POWERS.

I JUST DID MY FINANCES AND FIGURED OUT THAT EVERY DAY I GO TO WORK, I LOSE MONEY.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
THE PRICE OF GAS. IT COSTS ME MORE TO GO TO AND FROM WORK THAN WORK ACTUALLY PAYS ME.
SO THE KEY TO FINANCIAL SECURITY IS NOW...
UNEMPLOYMENT!!
THE DREAM HAS COME TRUE.
WE WERE SO AHEAD OF OUR TIME.

HI. GIMME A DECAF NONFAT 200 DEGREE NO FOAM MOCHA.
REMEMBER THAT OLD ‘BURGER KING’ AD WHERE THOSE HAPPY EMPLOYEES SING “SPECIAL ORDERS DON’T UPSET US”?
YEAH.
WELL, THEY UPSET THE @#%* OUT OF ME.
GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER.
AND UPSET HIM TOO? NO THANK YOU.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FIND A NEW MORNING COFFEE PLACE.
WHY?
BECAUSE THE PLACE I GO TO HIRED BACK AN OLD EMPLOYEE I CAN’T STAND.
HOW BIG A DIFFERENCE CAN ONE EMPLOYEE MAKE?
YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANGE IF I SAY YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANGE.

HEY, HERE COMES ZEBRA... I THINK
THAT IDIOT IS STEALING THE NEWSPAPER
FROM OUR DRIVEWAY. LET'S INTERROGATE
HIM USING A LITTLE "GOOD COP/BAD COP."
OKAY.
...HEY THERE, ZEBRA... NOT TO BE RUDE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO OUR PAPER
EVERY MORNING, WOULD YOU?
NOPE.
WELL, HO HO HO, I SURE WOULD
LIKE A GOOD OL' JELLY DOUGHNUT
FOR MY BIG OL' TUM TUM, YUP YUP...
PIG?
YES ?
IT'S GOOD COP/BAD COP ...
NOT GOOD COP/FAT COP.
OH.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
I AM SO ANGRY.
I AM SOOOO HUNGRY.

Dear Pigita,
You are great. You are smart. You are pretty. I am so lucky to have you for my girlfriend.
YOU DUMB PIG. CHICKS DON'T DIG GUYS WHO ARE ALWAYS COMPLIMENTING THEM. YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THEM NOW AND THEN. MAKES THEM FIND YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE.
P.S. You're stupid for dating me.

THIS ECONOMIC NEWS IS SO SCARY. DO YOU THINK WE COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF SOMETHING HUGE?
LIKE ANOTHER DEPRESSION? I DOUBT IT.
PULL, PIGGY TOAD, PULL!
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.

MORNIN', FRED. WHAT'S YOUR MONITORING OF THE TRACKING COLLAR SHOW?
NOT MUCH, BOB... THIS GUY'S MIGRATING PATTERNS ARE ABOUT NIL.
NIL? ...ALL ANIMALS MOVE, FRED.
NOT THIS ONE, BOB. HE HASN'T BUDGED IN TEN HOURS... BELIEVE ME, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.
URRRRRRP.

Okay, Larry, I'm off to run errands all day today, so good luck hunting the -- what are you doing, Larry?
Me got tagged by zoogoligists. Now me no can hunt.
WHAT THE GHO# DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO HUNT ?!?
Worker comp law. Ees a deesability.
Okay, now me reely have deesability.

MOM, YOU BETTER COME QUICK.
I THINK DAD'S BEEN TRANQUILIZED.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE'S STARTING TO HALLUCINATE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
CURSE YOU FLYEENG BUNNIEEES!!!
CLOSE THE DRAPES, SON.
GOTCHA.
YOU WILL PAY FOR DAT LAMP, YOU ANGRY LEETLE BUNNY.

WHY ARE YOU DUCKING DOWN, ZEBRA?
THERE ARE ZOOLOGISTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD LOOKING FOR AFRICAN WILDLIFE THEY CAN TRANQUILIZE AND TAG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
EVERYTHING. YOU WAKE UP WOOZY. YOU'VE GOT ON A BIG TRACKING COLLAR. AND BELIEVE ME, IN THE WORLD OF AFRICAN WILDLIFE, EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S THE LOSERS WHO GET TAGGED.
HULLOOOA ZUBBA NUBBA.

IS IT TRUE THAT APPEARING ON T.V. MAKES YOU LOOK TEN POUNDS HEAVIER?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S TRUE FOR COMIC STRIPS.
NICE TRY, FATTY.
NO, REALLY... LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LEAVE THE PANEL...
SEE?
Hmm.
THINNER, HUH?
WELL... MAYBE YOU LOOK A LITTLE THINNER, BUT REALLY, IT'S NOT VERY CONVINCING.
HI, RAT. HI, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DISCUSSING?
WHOA.
NEVER MIND.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FILM AND YOUR PACKAGE SAYS MY SATISFACTION IS GUARANTEED.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHEN I LOOK AT THE PHOTOS IN MY ALBUM, THEY'RE FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE NO LONGER AROUND AND FRIENDS WHO ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS AND HOMES I CAN NO LONGER GET BACK TO.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S JUST LIFE, SIR.
I'M NOT SATISFIED.

WHAT'S THAT BOOK ABOUT, RAT?
CRYOGENICS. IT'S THIS PROCESS WHERE THEY FREEZE DEAD GUYS SO THEY CAN DEFROST THEM LATER AND BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE.
AND THAT WORKS?
YEP.
ARISE.

Okay, zeeba neighba, Bob here spend day at city offices. He make 'connections.' Now crocs snap fingers... Zeeba disappear!
OH? WHAT KIND OF CONNECTIONS DID YOU MAKE?
Me got library card.
Sometimes me wish Bob disappear.

HEY, RAT... WHAT'S WITH THE SIGN?
IT'S MY SELF-AFFIRMATION POSTER. IT REMINDS ME WHERE I'M GOING IN LIFE.
OOH... I WANT ONE... LIKE "PIG: STRIVING FOR SUPER-NESS"
NO NO NO, DUDE. YOUR AFFIRMATION HAS TO BE REALISTIC. SOMETHING YOU CAN ACTUALLY ACHIEVE. HERE, TRY THIS ONE...
PIG: LEANING TOWARD LOSERVILLE

HEY, ZEBRA... I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET FRED THE FENNEC FOX. A FENNEC FOX HAS SUCH SHARP HEARING IT CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF INSECTS WALKING UNDERGROUND.
WOW. IS THAT TRUE, FRED?
Whuh?
HIS LISTENING IS A BIT SELECTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M HANGING FROM A CHIN-UP BAR UNTIL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LEARNS TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
YOU DUMB PIG. IF YOU HANG THERE LONG ENOUGH, YOUR ARMS ARE GONNA STRETCH OUT.
OH, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT. I KNOW THAT WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING, PEOPLE WILL SEE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO START LOVING EACH OTHER...
Sigh.

YO, ZEEBS... WHATCHA DOIN'?
FIXING SOME OLD VINYL RECORDS I HAVE...
FIXING HOW?
OH, I HEARD IF YOU RUB VICK'S VAPORUB ON THE RECORD AND LET IT SIT OVERNIGHT, YOU CAN GET RID OF SOME OF THE SCRATCHES.
REALLY?
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW... IT STILL LOOKS LIKE, THIS IS A TON OF WORK... IF YOU COULD HELP ME A LITTLE, I'D PAY YOU...
HOW MANY DO I HAVE TO DO?
RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO DO MY OLD BAROQUE ALBUMS. THEY'RE THE MOST SCRATCHED. WE CAN PUT VICK'S ON THE OTHER ONES LATER.
OH, GOOD, SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THESE JAZZ ONES?
NO, NO... IF IT AIN'T BAROQUE, DON'T VICK'S IT.
COMIC STRIP CHARACTER FOR HIRE:
WILL WORK FOR STRIPS THAT DON'T PRODUCE GREAT SHAME

MEOW, ZEBRA, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
WORSE THAN THE FACT YOU RISKED MY LIFE ON A BASEBALL GAME??
I'M AFRAID SO... AFTER PLACING FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS ON US TO WIN, I BET FIVE THOUSAND ON US TO LOSE.
YOU WHAT??
SORRY, MY BOOKIE GAVE ME GREAT ODDS.
BOOKIE?? WHAT KIND OF BOOKIE TAKES A BET WHERE A GUY'S LIFE IS ON THE LINE??
Meow.