Pearls Before Swine | Search

Rat, ever since you got that 'Blackberry,' it's all you do
I mean, I like you, but I don't like having to own my own 'Blackberry' just to communicate with you.
Why is that?
It's rude, and it's impersonal. I like personal contact...
PAT PAT PAT PAT
There, there.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH RAT?
HE'S BECOME A 'BLACKBERRY' FIEND. HE SENDS OUT E-MAIL DAY AND NIGHT.
IN FACT, I HAD TO GET MY OWN BECAUSE IT'S NOW THE ONLY WAY TO STILL COMMUNICATE WITH HIM.
BUT THAT'S NUTS.
Bite me.
TYPITY
TYPITY
TYPITY
TYPE

DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me vun't smash zeeba over hed. Bah humbug.
YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF DAD, DRESSING UP AS JOSEPH TO DO A SURPRISE ATTACK. CAN A CROCODILE ACT ANY MORE SHAMEFULLY?
Is zeebas here yet?

JACQUE-LINE dey tell me, PAH
RUMP PUM PUM PUM RUMM
DD
WELL... JUNIOR'S AGREED
TO COME BACK HOME FOR
CHRISTMAS DINNER... BUT
ON ONE CONDITION... HE
GETS TO BRING THAT
ZEBRA'S ENTIRE FAMILY.
Gud. ME set
Chreesmas
trap!
CHRISTMAS
TRAP,
LARRY?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, LARRY... I FOUND JUNIOR... HE'S STAYING WITH THAT ZEBRA NEXT DOOR.
WHUH??
THIS IS YOUR FAULT, LARRY! IF YOU HAD EATEN HIM LIKE A NORMAL CROCODILE, THIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED!!
But me love Junior...
Chreesmas make you very stressed.

WOMAN, LOOK.
JUNIOR RUN AWAY.
LEAVE US NOTE!
RAN AWAY? NOTE? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
"DEAR MOM AND DAD. IF I CANNOT HAVE MY ZEEBA GIRLFRIEND OVER FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER, I CANNOT BE DERE EEDER."
OMYGAND! MY SON HAS RUN AWAY! HE COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD BY NOW!! HE COULD BE ON THE STREETS! COLD! STARVING!! ALONE!!!

Whuh da matter you, Wmomun?
Your son, that's what-- he asked if he could invite that little zebra friend of his over for Christmas dinner.
WHUH? Christmas about brudderhood, not hatred, and me hate zebbas!
Gud!
Yeah, well, it's not gonna happen. I grounded him for two weeks.
Being all cooped up in his room will at least force him to THINK about what he said... what else can he do in there?
BYE

WELCOME TO
CLUB BRAIN
WHERE THE MINDS
UNWIND!
YO CHECK OUT
THE CEREBELLUMS
ON THOSE BABES.
LET'S FOLLOW
THEM, BOB...
HEEEYY THERE,
LADIES... WANNA
SEE A HUGE
HYPOTHALAMUS?
GO AWAY,
CREEP.
GIVE ME SOME
ASPIRIN, WILL
YOU, PHYLLIS?
THIS LOSER'S
GIVING ME A
HEADACHE.
SURE.
HERE
YOU GO.
HEY
HEY
HEY
WHAT?
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN
ON DRUGS.
YOU WILL NEVER HEAR
A BETTER PICK-UP LINE.

WELL, SIR, I CONTINUE MY PUSH TO RID OUR NEIGHBORHOOD OF HOLIDAY INSURGENTS.
WHAT'S A HOLIDAY INSURGENT?
SCUM, SIR...TROUBLE-MAKERS...NEIGHBORS WHO DISRUPT OUR OTHERWISE HARMONIOUS CHRISTMAS AESTHETIC WITH TACKY DECORATIONS.
WHO DOES THAT?
NEIGHBOR BOB, SIR. HE INSISTS ON DECORATING HIS FRONT LAWN WITH THOSE LIGHTED REINDEER WHOSE HEADS BOB UP AND DOWN...HE HAS TWO OF THEM.
I THINK HE HAS THREE.
TWO.

BEHOLD!! IT IS I, EGO-MAN, AND MY CRIMEFIGHTING ASSISTANT, CAPTAIN TOO-FAT-TO-BE-OF-ASSISTANCE BOY!!
GADZOOKS!
SO WHAT’S YOUR SIDEKICK DO TO FIGHT CRIME?
HE STANDS THERE AND YELLS "GADZOOKS!"
EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM NOT RAT.
I AM EGO-MAN,
HERE TO INTRODUCE
MY NEW SIDEKICK.
CAPTAIN TOO-FAT-TO-BE-OF-
ASSISTANCE-BOY.
I DIDN'T PICK THE NAME.

THIS IS A NICE PLACE.
It is. Of niceness. Yes.
YOU KNOW. . . WHY DO YOU GET SO NERVOUS WHEN YOU TALK TO ME?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP STARING INTO MY EYES LIKE YOU CAN SEE STRAIGHT INTO ME AND THAT WORRIES ME BECAUSE IT'S NOT A NICE PLACE IN THERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
PLEASE TAKE YOUR NAPKIN OFF MY HEAD.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE, CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL.
YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK IN --
WHAT'S THAT HITTING ME UNDER THE TABLE ?
SHOES.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING CLOWN SHOES ?
I AM A BIG FAN OF CLOWNS. BIG FAN. BIG, BIG FAN. IT IS MY HOMAGE TO --
SQUEEZE SQUEEZE
WHAT WAS THAT ?
I WANTED TO SEE IF YOUR NOSE HONKED.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG IN THE BATHROOM, RAT?
I'M GETTING DRESSED FOR MY BIG DATE WITH THE GIRL FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT.
SHE AGREED TO GO OUT WITH YOU?
YES, BUT IT TOOK WORK, AND I DON'T WANT TO BLOW IT… SO I'M GETTING ALL DRESSED UP AND TAKING HER SOMEWHERE FANCY.
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR GOOD SHOES?
I CAN'T FIND THE STUPID THINGS… ALL I CAN FIND ARE MY WORK SHOES.
WORK SHOES? FROM WHEN YOU…
… DRESSED AS A CLOWN FOR THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?
LAUGH AND I STOMP YOUR HEAD.

HOW COME YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK TO GIRLS LIKE THIS, RAT?
BECAUSE THAT CUTE GIRL WORKS HERE AND I WANT TO ASK HER OUT.
OH. I REMEMBER HER FROM LAST CHRISTMAS. SHE MAKES YOU NERVOUS.
SHUT UP.
OOOOH...
SHUT UP.
OH...
SHUT UP.
DUDE DUDE DUDE...
#@%#$# STARE.
JUST BE A NORMAL WINGMAN, IDIOT. WATCH MY BACK. DON'T LET ME GO DOWN IN FLAMES.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, HELLO. GOOD EVENING. I AM INTERESTED IN BUYING A CHRISTMAS HOME FOR MY TREE WRITING.
WHAT?
YOU T--
WAIT. YOU'RE THAT GUY WHO GOT ALL NERVOUS TRYING TO HIT ON ME LAST YEAR. WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE TALKING TO WOMEN?
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!
BECAUSE HE'S SPENT A LIFETIME IN MEN'S PRISON! HI.
OH... THAT WAS SMOOTH.
WAIT... SHE'S COMING BACK.
NO. THAT'S A COP.

OHH, ANDY... YOU MISSED YOUR CRUISE.
I KNOW... I WALKED ALL NIGHT, BUT I DIDN'T GET ANYWHERE...
AWWWW, ANDY... IT'S... IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE...
ON A CHAIN. A CHAIN THAT GETS A LITTLE WEAKER EVERY TIME I PULL AGAINST IT... A CHAIN THAT ONE DAY'S GONNA BREAK.
OH, ANDY...
HEY... DON'T SQUISH THE HAT.

THAT STUPID LITTLE DOG FRIEND OF YOURS ASKED ME TO BUY HIM A PANAMA HAT FOR SOME CRUISE HE'S TAKING TO TRINIDAD.
POOR ANDY. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW HE'S ATTACHED TO A CHAIN.
YEAH... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? BUY HIM A HAT HE CAN'T BUY FOR HIMSELF JUST TO ENCOURAGE SOME IMPOSSIBLE DREAM?
I KNOW. IT'S SO HARD...
SO WHAT DID YOU DO ?

Okay, zeeba neighba, leesten me.
Crocs get costume deeapartment.
Now we look inteemidating!
See, me is Skullhead Doom Guy!!
And me is ballerina!
Back to costume deeapartment,
Bob.

HEY, GOAT. YOU WRITING YOUR BLOG?
GO AWAY, RAT.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE BLOGS... I REALLY DO. YOU KNOW WHY?
GO AWAY, RAT.
BECAUSE THEY PROVIDE THEIR FRUSTRATED CREATOR WITH THE DELUSIONAL OUTLET OF BEING A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. SORT OF LIKE HOW THE PRISON WARDEN LETS THE PSYCHOTIC INMATE SCRIBBLE "POETRY" ON THE CELL WALL SO HE DOESN'T BEAT HIS BUNKMATE WITH A TOILET SEAT.
PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE ANALOGY.

HEY, PIG. MIND BUYING ME A BOTTLE OF SUNBLOCK FOR MY CRUISE TO TRINIDAD?
WHEN ARE YOU TAKING A CRUISE TO TRINIDAD, ANDY?
NEXT WEEK.
BUT... HOW?
THE CRUISE LINE USUALLY PROVIDES A BOAT.
OH... RIGHT.
I WORRY ABOUT YOU, PIG.

AND THIS IS VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA. ISN'T IT PRETTY? ONE DAY I'LL GO THERE... BUT FIRST I WANT TO SEE AFRICA... NO, FIRST I WANT TO SEE INDIA... BEAUTIFUL, MYSTICAL INDIA.
DO YOU THINK I'LL HAVE ANY TROUBLE GETTING THERE, PIG?
NOT THAT I CAN THINK OF, ANDY.
GOOD. BECAUSE I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT SPECIAL VISA REQUIREMENTS.

GOODBYE. I'M LEAVING. FOR REAL THIS TIME.
WHERE YOU GOING, MY LITTLE BRAIN?
CLUB BRAIN. IT'S A BIG RESORT. REAL POPULAR WITH BRAINS.
ARE THERE MORE OF YOU ESCAPED BRAINS RUNNING AROUND?
YES. WE TEND TO ESCAPE DURING PROLONGED PERIODS OF TELEVISION VIEWING... MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN NOTICE WE'RE GONE.
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FLED LIKE THAT?
IF YOU MUST KNOW, THIRTY-FOUR PERCENT OF ALL PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND WITHOUT A BRAIN.
TOODLES.
EXPLAINS A LOT.

I SAW CAROL YESTERDAY. SHE SAID ED KILLED A ZEBRA.
Right... Like me believe DAT. Me happen know Ed buy dat from store.
IS THAT SO? TELL ME, LARRY, WHAT STORE SELLS DEAD ZEBRAS? HUH?... TELL ME, LARRY.
"Payless Shoes."
... LIE AGAIN, LARRY. I DARE YOU.
Wait wait... "Betty's Bridal Emporium." No no...

HEY RAT...
BOY, DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL YOU!
FINE. BUT BEFORE YOU DO, I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THIS CONVERSATION MAY BE MONITORED FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE PURPOSES.
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE QUIET.
A WISE CHOICE.

Okaaay, zeeba neighba.
Me is strapped to you.
Tree. If you no agree
to demands, me and
you ees both blow up
in two minute.
I'M NOT STRAPPED TO
THE TREE. YOU'RE
STRAPPED TO THE TREE.
I CAN JUST WALK AWAY
AND WATCH YOU EXPLODE.
Touché.