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Pig's Goals for Next Summer:
Cool off with fabulous vacation at seaside resort in Cancun. Body surf in Caribbean. Snorkel off Cozumel reef. Drink mai tais by hotel pool.
DUDE, THOSE VACATIONS COST LIKE FIVE GRAND. YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC.
Sit in backyard and hope sprinkler hits me.

HEUO?
HI, PIG… IT'S ME, PIGITA… ARE YOU TAKING ME TO DINNER TONIGHT OR NOT?
I'D LOVE TO, PIGITA, BUT WITH ALL THE EXTRA MONEY I'VE BEEN SPENDING ON GAS, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CASH TO BUY US BOTH A BIG DINNER.
FINE, YOU BIG LOSER CHEAPSKATE. WE CAN GO DUTCH.
HOW DOES THIS HELP?

MAURA... YOU CAME BACK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I LOVED YOU... BUT YOU LEFT ME. I SHOULD HATE YOU.
I DO HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU... NEVER... DO YOU UNDERSTAND "NEVER"?
GO AWAY! GET! GO! GO GO GO GET GO!
KIIIIIIISSS LOVE
ALL IS FORGIVEN.

Despondent, the buttocks wept.
Wow, nice. You're still writing a novel with a "buttocks" for a protagonist... gee, why don't you write a really ambiguous ending where your despondent buttocks drives his car off a cliff? Did he do it intentionally? Did he secretly want to die? Gosh, who knows? It's a masterpiece. They all have ambiguous endings... we can debate it for years.
No true literary genius has ever escaped the contempt of his peers. I do not expect my situation to be different... now run along.
Mocking the warning of the certified Midas brake specialist, the buttocks drove to the mountains.

The buttocks hated the holidays, for holidays meant family. And there was nothing worse than a family of buttocksesses.
I'M SORRY, RAT, I DON'T MEAN TO BE A CRITIC... BUT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A "FAMILY OF BUTTOCKSESSES."
buttockesses.
butti

The frustrated buttocks abandoned his family.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM WRITING THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. IT CONCERNS A BUTTOCKS WHO ABANDONS HIS FAMILY.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THERE’S NOT A SINGLE PUBLISHER ON THIS PLANET WHO’S GONNA PUBLISH A BOOK ABOUT A “BUTTOCKS WHO ABANDONS HIS FAMILY.”
For commercial reasons, the buttocks returned home.

HELLO, RAT... IT'S ME, THE CHRISTMAS TREE GIRL... I'M GOING TO A PARTY AND I'D LIKE YOU TO COME.
CAN'T... I'M STUCK IN A BIG, FAT CLOUD OF DEPRESSION.
WELL, THAT'S SILLY. IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED, A PARTY IS JUST WHAT YOU NEED. COME. TALK TO PEOPLE.
PAKISTAN HAS THE BOMB AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
LET'S GO.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, RAT?
I AM STUCK IN A BIG, DARK CLOUD OF DEPRESSION.
RELAX.. FOCUS ON SOMETHING HAPPY.. LIKE THINK ABOUT PAST CHRISTMASES YOU'VE SPENT WITH YOUR FAMILY.
PLEASE. NO MORE SUGGESTIONS.

Gud news, gentlemuun... Nuckular bomb have been sussesfully esploaded by Floyd, who some- how survive.
So how 'bout beeg round of applause for Floyd?
WooHoo
Yeah
Tank you. Tank you.
Tank you.

HEY, GUARD DUCK, WHATCHA DOIN'?
GIVING UP ON MAURA, SIR.
BUT YOU LOVE HER.
NOT ANYMORE, SIR...I'VE WAITED YEARS FOR HER TO RETURN FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION. AND THERE'S BEEN NO TRACE OF HER.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GIVING YOU HER PICTURES. I WANT YOU TO BURN THEM. I AM NO LONGER LOOKING FOR MAURA. I AM NO LONGER LOOKING FOR LOVE. I AM NO LONGER LOOKING FOR ANYTHING.
LIFE IS FUNNY, SIR.

ALRIGHT, FATHER MOLE, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND ALL YOUR BOGUS TALK ABOUT REDEMPTION AND THE END OF THE WORLD AND STRANGE CREATURES DESCENDING FROM THE SKIES! I DON'T NEED YOU AND I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID FORGIVENESS!
padre...
FATHER, FORGIVE ME.

GOOD NEWS, MR. ZEBRA, SIR... THE CROCS GAVE UP ON THE NUKE.
YOU’RE KIDDING! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH IT?
THEY WERE GONNA WALK IT OUT TO THE DESERT AND EXPLODE IT, BUT IT GOT TOO HEAVY, SO NOW THEY’RE GONNA JUST DROP IT FROM A PLANE.
JUST DROP IT?? HOW WILL THEY CONTROL WHERE IT GOES?
WOOOO-HOO!

LISTEN, FATHER MOUSE... WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T GET FORGIVEN FOR ALL THESE SO-CALLED 'SINS'?
THE RAPTURE WILL OCCUR AND ALL THE GOOD FOLK ON EARTH WILL JUST DISAPPEAR..
WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?
THE GOOD ARE TAKEN INSTANTLY TO HEAVEN, WHILE THE SINNERS LIKE YOU ARE LEFT TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.
JUST KIDDING.

HEY, PIG.
WHY DO YOU HAVE CANS TIED TO YOUR TAIL?
THEY REPRESENT MY SINS.
FATHER MOLE HAD ME TIE THEM ON AS A WAY OF DOING PENANCE.
YOU'RE REALLY TAKING THIS FATHER MOLE THING SERIOUSLY.
YOU BET!
HE'S GREAT!
HE'S EVEN GOT YOU-KNOW-WHO DOING IT.
NOT A WORD, FATHEAD.

HELLO, FATHER MOLE... IT'S ME, RAT... I'M THINKING ABOUT JOINING THE CHURCH.
BUT LISTEN. BEFORE I DO, I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS... IT'S A CONTRACT GUARANTEEING THAT IF I START GOING TO CHURCH, I WILL NOT GO TO THAT BIG, FIERY PLACE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD DO THIS THROUGH OUR LAWYERS.

OKAY, TIM, SINCE IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY, LET ME JUST REMIND YOU, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS... STRANGE PACKAGES, HARMFUL ITEMS, ODD CHARACTERS... THAT SORT OF THING...
I'M SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE LEFT THE CHURCH OF FATHER PIPPY AND JOINED THE CHURCH OF FATHER MOLE-IN-THE-GROUND.
WHY.?
BECAUSE FATHER MOLE LOVES EVERYONE.
BUT WHERE IS HE.?
OH. FATHER MOLE DOESN'T COME OUT OF HIS HOLE.
HA.! ANYONE CAN LOVE PEOPLE FROM A HOLE-IN-THE-GROUND.! TELL HIM TO TRY LIVING WITH THEM.!!
CRACK
HE'S NOT BIG ON SERMON-INTERRUPTERS.

Okay, guys, it turn out nuclear bomb too powerful... If we essplode zeeba house, we blow up croc house too.
So uh... whuh we do?
We need volunteer to strap bomb to back and essplode in desert far away.
Me do it! Me do it!
Me always looking for chance to geet out of office.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TAKING ON THE CHURCH. FATHER DIPPY'S BEEN SHAKING HIS FINGER AT ME AND I'M SHAKING IT BACK.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
JUST THINK OF ME AS MARTIN LUTHER AND THIS HERE'S THE REFORMATION.
THAT MUST BE THE COUNTER-REFORMATION.

HEY THERE, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, PIPPY THE PRAIRIE DOG PREACHER.
WHY'S HE SHAKING HIS FINGER AT ME?
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FATHER PIPPY DOES. HE STANDS ON HIS PILLAR AND SHAKES HIS FINGER AT YOU.
WORSE. WORSE. WORSE. WORSE. WORSE. WORSE.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.
PLEASE DON'T SHAKE YOUR FINGER AT FATHER PIPPY.
HEATHEN, HEATHEN, HEATHEN, HEATHEN, HEATHEN.

BAD NEWS, SIR. MR. SNUFFLES AND I HAVE FOLLOWED ALL
THE NUCLEAR MISSILE INSTRUCTIONS WE CAN FIND AND CAN'T
SEEM TO DISABLE THE CROC'S NUKE.
OH MY GAD, NO! WHAT WILL I DO?
WHOA WHOA WHOA, SIR. WHILE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY
COMPLICATED AND DELICATE PROCEDURE, WE THINK WE STILL
HAVE SOME VIABLE OPTIONS.
OPTIONS? LIKE WHAT?
BANG ON IT LIKE THE DICKENS AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
MEWWW
BAD KITTY. BAD KITTY.

Okay... Let see... 'Einstructions for detonation of nuclear bomb'... Step One: Nucluar essplosions very powerful. One muss take many steps to ensure safety from blast.

THE PEARLS' NUCLEAR MISSILE CRISIS
OKAY. IF WE'RE GONNA DISMANTLE A NUCLEAR WARHEAD, WE'RE GONNA NEED THE INSTRUCTIONS. DID YOU BRING 'EM?
Meow.
THESE ARE DIRECTIONS FOR PROGRAMMING OUR T.V. REMOTE.
Meow.
THEY ARE NOT "PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING.”

Elly Elephant was the sweetest elephant who ever lived.
Every day when she awoke, she told herself, "Today I will make someone else's life better."
So Elly Elephant gave money to friends.
I'll give you more, Howard.
She did favors for relatives.
I'll help you, mom.
Thank you, Elly.
And she helped all of her neighbors.
I'll mow your lawn.
One day Elly Elephant's house burned down. "It is okay," she said, "because I have friends and relatives and neighbors. They will help me as I have helped them."
But no one came.
So Elly Elephant gathered her few belongings and followed her friends and relatives and neighbors.
And pounced on their heads.
Pounce Pounce Pounce
Pounce Pounce
IS THIS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK CHARLIE THE TUNA IS WRITING NOW THAT YOU'VE CALLED THE NEW WINNIE THE POOH??
YEAH, IT'S LIKE WINNIE THE POOH IF HE WEIGHED MORE AND COULD KILL PEOPLE.
CHAPTER TWO... ROO IS MISSING AND KANGA IS SKINNED.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I REALIZE I WON'T BE APPRECIATED IN MY OWN TIME.
BUT I CARE NOT, BECAUSE I DON'T SPEAK TO YOU... I SPEAK TO THE AGES... ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU COOPERATE WITH THE BEVY OF FUTURE BIOGRAPHERS.
OH, I'LL SPEAK TO THE BIOGRAPHERS.
YOU NEVER MET ME.