Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey, Meester Beeg Cat... Me hear you eat mailman... How you do it?
How do you mean, bro?
It's just a slow, dumpy human. It's like catching a rutabaga.
How you catch rutabaga?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE CROWS THINK THEY CAN RAISE MONEY BY SELL- ING BALLOONS TO MY FRIENDS FOR NATIONAL KEEP-A-ZEBRA DAY.
DON'T WORRY, ZEBRA... IT'LL NEVER WORK.
SO I LIKE BALLOONS.

Hulloo leetle pegg..
How you like by balloon for Nashunal Keel-A-Zeeba Day?
WHAT IS THAT?
Ees fund-raisyeeng event to help feed hungry crocky-diles. So far, we get beeg contree-bushons from everyone but Mr. 'Me Hate All Charities'.
I DO NOT HATE ALL CHARITIES.
Mebbe he juss super cheep.

Danny Donkey loved Thanksgiving.
Danny Donkey loved his family.
But Danny Donkey did not love to see his family at Thanksgiving.
So every Thanksgiving, Danny grabbed half the turkey and locked himself in the bathroom.
Until it was time for the awkward toast...
To my family, to whom I want to be close, but in reality cannot tolerate.
I need to use the bathroom, Danny Donkey.
Go away, Uncle Bob.
When Thanksgiving was over, many believed his self-imposed physical separation from his family had a consequence.
He loved them more.
Uncle Bob could also be a problem.
YOU CALL THIS A CHILDREN'S THANKSGIVING TABLE?
CHAPTER TWO: THE DAY UNCLE BOB'S BLADDER WENT BOMB.
POOR UNCLE BOB.

NO TRESPASSING
GUARD DOG ON DUTY
HI, FELLAS. HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD JUST MOVE A TEENSY BIT OVER THAT WAY.
NOT TODAY, TIMMY. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
OH, OKAY... NO PROBLEMO. HEY, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A SUPER SPLENDIFEROUS DAY!!
TIMMY THE GUARD DOG LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

HEY, RAT... HAVE YOU SEEN MY
BRAIN?... HE TOOK OFF THIS
MORNING AND I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM SINCE.
HE SAID HE
WAS OFF TO
MAKE SOME
CASH.
MAKE
CASH?...
HOW?
PREPARE TO BE DOMINATED.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS JOB FAIR?
NETWORKING.
I'M NO IDIOT.
EVEN I KNOW THAT'S IMPORTANT.
THAT'S TERRIFIC...
YOU'RE EVEN WEARING ONE OF THOSE NAME TAG STICKERS...
LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, "HELLO, MY NAME IS..."
"... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."
I'VE GOT MY LIMITATIONS.

HEY, BABY...I'M A BRAIN...LET ME STUN YOU WITH MY MASSIVE HIPPOCAMPUS.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE AREA OF THE BRAIN THAT CONTROLS MEMORY STORAGE.
WHATEVER.
DID I MENTION THAT I ALSO HAVE A BIG TRUCK AND A BAD ATTITUDE?
A SAD MOMENT FOR MY MASSIVE HIPPOCAMPUS.

ALRIGHT... YOU'RE A BRAIN... YOU KNOW THE PRINCIPLES OF QUANTUM PHYSICS, NEUROSCIENCE AND MOLECULAR BIOLOGY... SO TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIFE?
TO DRINK BEER AND MEET WOMEN.
SUDDENLY, MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE HAS BEEN JUSTIFIED.

HI, GOAT...HAVE YOU MET MY BRAIN? HE GOT TIRED OF ME NOT USING HIM, SO HE LEFT MY HEAD.
SO THAT'S JUST EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR HEAD?
NO. RAT'S USING IT.
FOR ?
MIND IF I GRAB ANOTHER BREWSKI?
GO FOR IT.
YO. HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A COLD ONE.
I GIVE UP.

HEY. I'M YOUR BRAIN. I'M LEAVING.
HEY, I'M YOUR BRAIN. I'M LEAVING.
LEAVING? DON'T I NEED YOU?
NEED ME? ALL YOU DO IS WATCH 'AMER-I-CAN IDOL' AND EAT CHEESE POOFS.
BU TWHERE WILL YOU GO? HOW WILL I FIND YOU?
YOU WON'T, ME- MAN...
YOU'VE LOST
YOU WON'T, MEAN...
YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
LET'S PLAY 'SCRABBLE' FOR CASH.

Dear Pigita,
You are a good girlfriend.
I wish I was a good boyfriend. It's just that I get nervous around you.
I always think I'll screw up.
YOU STUPID PIG... CHICKS DON'T LIKE THAT... CHICKS LIKE GUYS WHO ARE CONFIDENT.
I KNOW.
I always screw up.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, GOAT?
I'M REMINDING THESE PEOPLE WHO POST ON MY BLOG TO STOP BEING SO PETTY.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THERE ARE SOME ANONYMOUS FOLK OUT THERE WHO SEE THE INTERNET AS NOTHING MORE THAN AN OUTLET FOR THEIR IMMATURE RANTS.
I know you are, but what am I?

NUTS! THE COP BEHIND US IS PULLING ME OVER.
RELAX...I'LL HANDLE THIS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?
NO, SIR, WE DON'T...AND BY THE SOUND OF YOUR QUESTION, I TAKE IT YOU DON'T EITHER.
HE KNEW MORE THAN HE WAS LETTING ON.

LARRY, YOUR COUSIN DEAN CALLED... THE LIONS ATE HER HUSBAND NICK LAST NIGHT... APPARENTLY, THEY THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE THE ZEBRA MEAT.
WOT?
YEAH, I GUESS SOMEONE XEROXED OFF THOUSANDS OF FLYERS CONTAINING A BOGUS "CONFESSION" FROM NICK AND PUT THEM UP ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WOT?
OH... AND I FOUND A $200 KINKO'S RECEIPT IN YOUR POCKET.
WOT?

Croc Safehouse wehre U is live wile we hyde from angree lions 'less we fud we steeled,
Fehouase is live wile we hyde from angree lions 'less we fud we steeled
Fehouase is live wile we hyde from angree lions 'less we fud we steeled
CRUNCH
CRUNCH
CRUNCH CRUNCH
Nice sign, bro.
Me speak gud croc.
CRUNCH
CRUNCH CRUNCH

Hey, dude. Thanks for inviting us over to your party.
Oh, no probbum, duudde... We want welcome fellow predators to neighbahood... We is friends, no enemees.
Hey, no worrie, bro... What's this?
Oh... Dat is outdoor movie screen... We rent... But peese no touch curtain.
Worries. We've got worries.
Me told you no touch curtain.

WOW... CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS STORY?... THIS--
WHAT'D YOU SAY, GOAT?
OH, I WAS GOING TO TELL RAT SOMETHING BUT HE'S LISTENING TO MUSIC ON HIS IPOD.
OH, HE'S NOT LISTENING TO MUSIC... HE JUST WEARS THAT SO PEOPLE *THINK* HE'S LISTENING TO MUSIC. THEN THEY DON'T TALK TO HIM. AND THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY BECAUSE HE THINKS EVERYONE BUT HIM IS AN 'IDIOT FATHEAD.'
I DENY THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, RAT?
I'M BEING CARRIED OFF BY TATA, THE WILLOWY TEMPTRESS O' TEMPTATION!
SHE WILL WRECK ME, RUIN ME, REDUCE ME TO A WRETCHED PILE O' RUEFUL REGRET!
THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET GO?
SHE SMELLS GOOD.

WHOA! WHO’S THAT UP THERE?
NUTS! IT’S TATA, THE WILLOWY TEMPTRESS O’ TEMPTATION!
WHAT’S SHE DO?
SHE TRIES TO GET YOU TO FOLLOW HER, AND IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO DO IT, SHE WRECKS YOU, RUINS YOU, AND REDUCES YOU TO A LIF OF UNSPEAKABLE REGRET …
ADMITTEDLY, IT’S HARD TO EXPLAIN MY DECISION MAKING.

HEY THERE, ZEBRA... WE GONNA WATCH 'LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE'?
CAN'T. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MY NETFLIX MOVIES SINCE MAIL DELIVERY STOPPED.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MAIL?
DON'T KNOW... THE MAILMAN JUST STOPPED SHOWING UP... WE'RE ALL KINDA WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
I could have done without the mace aperitif.

TREECK OR TREET!
WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
Me Gollum. From Lord of Reengs.
GOLLUM? WHY GOLLUM?
DA PRESHISS
AAAHHH

HEY THERE, MAX... I HEAR YOU STILL DIDN'T GET YOUR EX-WIFE'S SHIPMENT OF FROZEN ZEBRA... HOW YOU HANGING IN THERE?
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH
YOU GUYS?
Duuude... It's the ex-wives. They didn't make their support payment this week.
YOU MEAN
THOSE
FROZEN
ZEBRAS
THEY SHIP
YOU?
Yep. And I'm ticked, bro. That's supposed to be on our front porch every Monday. I swear, when I find out what's going on, I'm gonna kill someone.
Me caught it. Me swear.

ANYTHING?
NO.
IS THAT IT?
NOPE.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
NOTHING.
ANYTHING?
NOPE.
GREAT PUMPKIN, MY FANNY.