Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THE CLASSIFIEDS. I'M LOOKING FOR A USED CAR. THIS CHEVY VEGA LOOKS CHEAP.
OH, THOSE CARS ARE THE BEST... YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN THEM AND NOT WORRY ABOUT A THING.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS.
MAYBE I GOT THAT WRONG.

I'VE DECIDED TO FIND ALL MY ENEMIES AND TELL THEM I FORGIVE THEM.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT...WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
TO GIVE MY VENGEANCE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

WHAT'S WITH THE OUTFIT, JUNIOR?
I'VE DECIDED THAT COWS SHOULD REALLY START WEARING CLOTHES.. IT'S JUST NOT CIVILIZED TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS.
WHAT'S YOUR DAD THINK?
WOOHOOO
HE'S RESISTING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEING A LAWYER? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING PLENTY OF CASH PUBLISHING A TABLOID.
I WAS. BUT I GOT BORED.
SO I ASKED MYSELF, WHAT JOB ALLOWS ME TO MAKE A GOOD LIVING WHILE HELPING OTHERS AND FURTHERING THE CAUSE OF JUSTICE?
*snicker*
*snicker*
*snicker*
I ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN I SAY THAT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND... YOU GUYS GET DIVORCED AND YOUR WIVES OWE YOU ALL THIS SUPPORT... BUT YOU'RE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF GOING OUT AND HUNTING YOURSELVES.
We had a good lawyer.
I TRY NOT TO BRAG.

Alright now...
Slowly...
Slowly...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
The wives left us. We lost our household's primary prey-earners.
SO WHAT'S THAT?
Court-ordered support.
Want some?
NO THANKS.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA…
HOW YOU LIKE TRY "BOX O’ FUNN”?
WHY WOULD I STEP INTO A BOX OF CROCODILES?
IS BOX O’ FUNN!
NO CAN YOU SEE?
YEAH, I SEE… BUT WHY WOULD I BELIEVE IT?
BECUSS IT PRINT-ED RIGHT DERE IN WORDS.
DAT MAKE IT TRUE.
OKAY THEN…
Me want get out now.

WHO'S THAT?
WILHELM. THE AQUATIC LAMB.
SINCE WHEN DO LAMBS LIVE IN THE OCEAN?
SINCE WILHELM CONVINCED HIS ENTIRE FLOCK TO MOVE THERE AS A WAY TO ESCAPE THE WOLVES.
WHERE'S HIS FLOCK?
THE SHARKS ATE THEM.
POOR LEADERSHIP SKILLS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW iPHONE?
IS THAT THE ONE THAT LETS YOU SURF THE INTERNET AND LISTEN TO MUSIC?
YES, AND IF YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON, IT DOES YOUR LAUNDRY AND BRINGS YOU A BEER.
NOW THAT'S A PHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SHORT STORY. I THINK IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET IT PUBLISHED.
AND MONKEYS WILL FLY OUT OF MY BUM.
CURSE THAT CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

And so, da witch invited Hansel and Gretel into her candy-covered house. I will eat dem both, she muttered.
But juss as she grabbed for da keeds, dey shoved her into da oven and ran away.
Sniffle
Sniffle
Whimper
Sniffle
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A TRAGEDY, DAD.
But me HATE doze killer keeds.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
A CUTE LITTLE HOUSE... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BOOOOOOOO
I'M GETTING TIRED OF CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

WHO'S THAT STANDING BEHIND US?
THAT'S CONNIE, THE JUDGMENTAL COW. SHE WATCHES YOU FROM A DISTANCE AND JUDGES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
GET USED TO IT, FATTY.
I DON'T THINK I LIKE HER.

It was Betty's tenth wedding anniversary.
And she wanted to do something special.
So she and George rented a place by the sea.
They sat on the deck.
They listened to the ocean.
They took long walks on the beach.
And when it was over, she turned to George and looked into his eyes.
"We should do now, George," she said...
"... before Bob starts wondering where I am on our anniversary."
"Arf arf," replied George, wagging his tail.
YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
Sometimes I think you love that dog more than me," said Bob.
"Oh shut up," said Betty.

LOOKS LIKE THE LIONS TOOK MY COUSIN JOE FROM THE BACK OF THE HERD LAST WEEK AND ATE HIM.
WHY DO ZEBRAS HANG OUT IN HERDS IF ALL THEY DO WHEN LIONS ATTACK IS STAND AROUND AND STARE AT THE GUY BEING DRAGGED OFF?
OHHH... WE DO A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE WAVE GOODBYE.

WHY DOES THE ANONYMITY OF THE INTERNET BRING OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I KEEP THIS BLOG AND EVERY DAY THIS IDIOT POSTS COMMENTS RIPPING INTO MY WRITING...
SO TODAY I POSTED THIS BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION TO HIM:
"WHY BOTHER READING SOMETHING YOU HATE?"
Oh. So profound.

Zeeba neighba? Dat you?
WHAT THE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE??
We go Home Depot.
Spend savings on breek and ceement.
Cover you doors and weendows.
Now you trapped.
Now we keel you.
AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN?
Dis not proudest moment.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GOODNIGHT.
I GUESS IT IS.
ERRRT ERRRT ERRRRT
AWKWARD MOMENT ALERT!!!
ADMITTEDLY, THE MEGAPHONE WAS OVERKILL.

GOAT GOES ON A DATE.
SO...UH... WE'VE HAD A LOT OF RAIN LATELY, HUH?
YEAH.
YOU HAVE NICE HAIR.
THANKS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE WORD 'ZIP' IN 'ZIP CODE' STANDS FOR 'ZONING IMPROVEMENT PLAN'?
IT'S REALLY A WONDER YOU DON'T GET MORE DATES.

HEY GOAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M ON A DATE. DO YOU MIND?
WHOA...WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING CAST INTO THE FLAMES OF HELL WHEN I DIE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE HELL HATH FROZEN OVER.
PLEASE LEAVE.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
WHAT IS IT?
EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, I GO INTO YOUR PUZZLE CABINET AND STEAL A PUZZLE PIECE.
YOU WHAT?
I'M A PUZZLE PILFERER. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF US.
SO EVERY TIME I MAKE A PUZZLE AND FIND ONE PIECE MISSING.....
IT'S NO COINCIDENCE. BUT LUCKY FOR YOU, I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE 'EM BACK.
...STILL FRIENDS?
YOU BET...I'M JUST HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO GIVE 'EM BACK.
PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

AND THEN WHEN HE GOT SHOT LIKE THAT, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT... I STILL CAN'T GET OVER IT...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
THAT 'SOPRANOS' ENDING- HOW THE GUY IN THE 'MEMBERS ONLY' JACKET SHOT TONY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MY SCREEN JUST WENT BLACK.
BLACK? ... WOW... SOUNDS LIKE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CABLE... YOU SHOULD CALL SOMEONE...
AAAAAAAAAA
WE'LL PAY FOR THIS.
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

HELLO, STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF "PEARLS".
YOU MIND MOVING THE DRINK? WATER CAN RUIN MY DRAWINGS.
IT'S NOT WATER. IT'S BEER.
SAME THING.
POURR
I REALLY SHOULD TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOUR MAKING MONEY FROM THIS TABLOID DOESN'T TURN YOU INTO ONE OF THOSE RICH JERKS WHO'S GOTTA HIRE PEOPLE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM.
NO... I MAY BUY CARS AND STUFF BUT HIRING PEOPLE JUST ISN'T MY... AHHHHHHCHOOOO
WIPE MY NOSE, PIG.
REGULAR OR EXTRA SOFT?

YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOUR WIFE DOES YOUR HUNTING FOR YOU, BUT COULD YOU HUNT IF YOU HAD TO?
Oh yeah... But that's not a big deal... All it takes is a willingness to kill and a minimum level of competence.
Me hate you lots.