Pearls Before Swine | Search

AT "EETAZEES" HEADQUARTERS
Guuwd morning, valued workers. Today we have meeting. Discuss you salaries.
Gud morning, Meester CEO... Me would like talk first.
Why you want talk first?
To kees butt of you.
He go far.

Okay, zeeba... We cross form 'Eeetazeeb.'
Is all-powerful corporation wid know-
hows and monies dedicated to immed-
iate destrukshtun of all zeebas.
WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOM- PLUSHED SO FAR ??
Nine bajillion meetings.
Hey, Bob, time for meeting.
Memo to self: Make co-werkers shut mouf.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY REFLECTION. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IN THIS SPOON, IT'S UPSIDE DOWN.

I THOUGHT I COULD CURE IT BY STANDING ON MY HEAD, BUT NO, IT'S STILL BROKEN.

THEY SHOULD HOLD A TELETHON FOR THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
IT'S MY NEW EASTER BONNET. ISN'T IT LOVELY?
I AM NOT A MACHO PIG.

GREETINGS, FAIR GOAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I AM RATIMUS STUDIWIUS MAXIMUS, AND THIS IS MY GLORIOUS CHARIOT.
YOU NEED A HORSE TO PULL A CHARIOT.
I THOUGHT THIS SEEMED HARD.
SILENCE, PIGIMIUS FATIMUS.

Okay zeeba neighba... We crocs geet new weapon in war against zeebas.
Now we teach you lesson you no soon forget.
Doooo dooo dodododadaa dooo Tooot!
Dododaaa doo DOO doo doooo TOOT.
Doo dooo DO doo doo dooo Doo
Dododaaa doo dooo dooo dooo doo dooo doo dooo... Dododododaaa doo dooo dooo doo doooo TOOOOT!
ACK CHOKE CHOKE
THUD
Today's lesson: Always chew you food.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NEIGHBORS YOU LIKE?
YEAH, THE ONES TO THE EAST OF US ARE GREAT... I LOVE THEM.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?... I'VE NEVER MET THEM.
IF YOU'VE NEVER MET THEM, HOW COULD YOU LOVE THEM?
I LOVE THEM BECAUSE I'VE NEVER MET THEM.
NEVER MIND.
THE NICEST NEIGHBOR IS THE ONE YOU'VE NEVER MET.

HEY, CONCIERGE... HERE'S A BUCK... TELL ME HOW TO GET DOWNTOWN.
YEAH. JUST FLY YOUR HELICOPTER TWO MILES WEST.
HELICOPTER? I DON'T OWN A HELICOPTER.
OH, I FIGURED THAT WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU SAVE BY TIPPING GUYS, YOU MIGHT HAVE BOUGHT A HELICOPTER.
YOU SURE DIDN'T SPEND IT ON THAT TIE.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD REMEMBER TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE "WONDER BREAD" NOW AND THEN?
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, PIG. THOSE WHO HAVE THE GIFT OF THINKING UP GENIUS THEORIES AND THOSE WHO HAVE TO PUT THE TWISTY BACK ON THE WONDER BREAD.
WHAT GENIUS THEORIES HAVE YOU THOUGHT UP?
THE 'TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE' THEORY.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.
LESS THINKY, MORE TWISTY.

HEY, CONCIERGE, I WANT
DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR
THAT POPULAR FRENCH PLACE
DOWNTOWN, THE ONE THAT'S
IMPOSSIBLE TO GET INTO.
I'M SORRY,
PERHAPS
YOU MISREAD
MY SIGN.
THE ONE
THAT SAYS
"CONCIERGE"?
YES. COME BACK
WHEN IT SAYS
"JESUS, MIRACLE
WORKER FROM
GALILEE."
STANDING THERE
WON'T MAKE
IT HAPPEN
FASTER.

RAT, THE FRIENDLY CONCIERGE
YEAH, LISTEN PAL... THE WIFE AND I WANT A DINNER RECOMMENDATION AND WE'RE IN A HURRY, SO MAKE IT QUICK... WE DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF FOOD.
GREAT... WELL, IF YOU DON'T CARE, HOW 'BOUT A BIG BAG OF 'ALPO'...
SO YOU DO CARE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ASLEEP AND DEAD, GUYS.
Sorry.
Tough to tell sometimes.

HERE, OLIVE.
WHAT IS IT, ANDY?
IT'S A ROCK. I SCRATCHED SOME WORDS ON IT.
DEAR OLIVE... IN YOUR EYES, I'VE FOUND ACCEPTANCE. IN YOUR HEART, I'VE FOUND A HOME.
OH, ANDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
I WANT TO HOLD IT. IT WILL BE LIKE HOLDING A PIECE OF YOU.
...I FEEL LIKE I'VE RUINED THE MOMENT.

Hey. What matter wid you guys? Metought you was beeg shots.
It's the wives. They're talking about leaving us.
Leaving you? Is dis da wifes who is hunt for you?
Yep.
Hullo, bootiful.

HEY, CONCIERGE. I GOT A PARTY OF TWELVE AND WE NEED DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR RIGHT NOW, SO HOOK US UP WITH ONE OF YOUR MAITRE D' PALS.
SURE. TWO BLOCKS TO THE WEST. TELL RONALD I SENT YOU.
RONALD?
MCDONALD. STRIPED TIGHTS. FLOPPY FEET.
NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
FINE. ASK FOR THE HAMBURGLAR. BUT HE WON'T BE AS FRIENDLY.

SNIFF SNIFF
AAACHOOO
HEAD COLDS AREN'T FATAL.
Nuts.

WHATCHA DOING, ZEBRA?
JUST SELLING SOME OLD STUFF I GOT FROM MY GRANDPA AFTER HE DIED.
CAN WE BUY THE DEAD GRANDPA?  
IT'S HARD TO BE A HYENA IN THE SUBURBS.

HEY, CONCIERGE, GIMME A RECOMMENDATION FOR A GOOD DINNER PLACE.
SURE. I RECOMMEND THE ITALIAN PLACE ACROSS THE STREET.
IS IT GOOD?
NO, IT'S BAD. WHEN YOU SAID 'GOOD,' I THOUGHT IT MEANT 'BAD.' FORGIVE ME. I FIND ENGLISH SO CONFUSING.
MAYBE I'LL FIND MY OWN RESTAURANT.
HAVE A "GOOD" TIME.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS HOTEL ?
I GOT A JOB AS A CONCIERGE. I HELP GUESTS BY GIVING THEM RECOMMENDATIONS.
WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND ?
THAT THEY STAY AT A DIFFERENT HOTEL.
IT'S A NOVEL APPROACH TO CUSTOMER RETENTION.

HEY, MAX. HOW'S IT GOING?
MY MOM'S COMING FOR A SHORT STAY, SO I THOUGHT I'D CLEAN UP A BIT...
Duuuude. IS THIS YOUR "PEOPLE"?
YEAH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
NEVER MIND THAT, BRO... THE WIVES SAW IT FALL OUT OF YOUR MAILBOX...
SO?
Dude, IT'S A CHICK MAGAZINE. NOW THE WIVES THINK YOU'RE WEAK. EFFEMINATE. AN EASY MARK.
WHAT DO I DO?
TAKE THIS BOX OF "GIRLS GONE WACKY" VIDEOS AND SCATTER THEM AROUND YOUR FRONT LAWN.
OHHH, BUT THESE ARE SO... TACKY.
DUDE. IT'S LIFE OR DEATH.
MY SON'S A PERV.
I CAN EXPLAIN, MOM.

Ooooh... Look at beeg tough predator guy... You tink you all dat... Me not impressed, okay?... Me is like, "Whatever".
Duuude, please. You got me all wrong... I don't hunt at all... My wife does all that... I just sit around on my butt and eat.
Me want trade you in.

BEHOLD! MY LATEST INVENTION. A CAR THAT RUNS ON IDIOCY, A NATURAL RESOURCE THAT IS IN ABUNDANT SUPPLY.
THUNK
ALL GASSED UP.

IT SAYS HERE IN THIS ENCYCLOPEDIA THAT CROCODILES' BRAINS ARE THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
WHUH? Me not get it.
Bob's more like pistachio.

HEY NEIGHBOR TIM... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD... BUT I' M TELLIN' YOU... I'M REALLY JONESING FOR A BIG PLATE OF HASH BROWNS.
THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I'M REALLY RATZING RIGHT NOW.
RATSING? WHAT'S RATSING?
THE DESIRE TO BEAT PEOPLE WHO USE TRENDY EXPRESSIONS OVER THE HEAD WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
WAIT. COME BACK.

HI. MY UNCLE DIED AND I'D LIKE A RESPECTFUL BURIAL FOR HIM, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT GIVING HIM OVER TO HYENAS.
PLEASE SIR, WE BURY MANY ANTELOPES, AND RESPECT IS ALWAYS OUR NUMBER ONE--
Hey! Hey! Who am I? Who am I?
Bad time?