Pearls Before Swine | Search

OHHH,
DEAR...
I CAN'T
FIND
MY
MONEY.
IT'S DOWN
HERE ON
THE FLOOR,
MA'AM. YOU
MUST HAVE
DROPPED IT.
OHHHH, THANK YOU,
SONNY... YOU'RE A
SWEET DEAR.
*KISS*
*CLICK*

THWACK
Nachos.
Nachos.
Nachos.

Okay, zeeba neighba. Prepare to die. We have Mexican wrestler on our side.
HAHA Yeah.. Me crush you.
Mexican wrestlers speak Spanish.
Burrito. Burrito. Burrito.
Nice.

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY
OKAY, RAT, EITHER YOU KNOCK OFF WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT TABLOID OF YOURS OR YOU'RE GONNA START LOSING YOUR FRIENDS.
USE MY FRIENDS? BUT THAT WOULD KILL ME.
YEAH, WELL YOU BETTER THINK ABOUT IT THEN, 'CAUSE I WILL WALK RIGHT OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ABE, ULYSSES AND BENJAMIN.
FORGET IT.
SSHHHH... HE'S LEAVING NOW, LITTLE BUDDIES.

I'M STARTING A TABLOID... I'M GONNA SPREAD LIES ABOUT EVERY- ONE I KNOW.
THAT BETTER NOT INCLUDE ME.
*CLICK*

SO I SAW ON THE ANIMAL CHANNEL THAT EVERY GROUP OF CROCS HAS A DOMINANT MALE, THE FIERCEST KILLER IN THE BUNCH... DO YOU GUYS HAVE ONE?
You shut mouf
HAHAHAHA... Duuh...Here is me. He has no consious. Me no put up wid nutting. Me a regular Deniss Meniss to Society.
You?... Oh peese... Everyone know is me...You juss eediot.
You shut mouf.
You shut mouf.
Me telling.
MAMAAAAAAAAA! Bob say 'shut mouf'.
(OH MY LORD).

Hello, Pig.
Farina, my germophobic sister who lives in a bubble and once dated Rat... what brings you here?
I want to date Rat again... I realized that despite his faults, he has a certain dignity that I find quite attractive.
Well, you can find him at this address if you want...

LOOKS LIKE OUR MAYOR GOT CAUGHT SPYING ON PEOPLE... RATHER THAN FACE IMPEACH- MENT, HE'S CHOSEN TO RESIGN.
WELL, AT LEAST NOW HE'LL HAVE TO DEPART THE OFFICE IN SHAME WITH HIS HEAD HUNG LOW... I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK OF DEFEAT ON HIS FACE...

GOOD EVENING, ESTEEMED CITIZENS... I AM YOUR BELOVED MAYOR... YOU CAN TELL THAT I'M BELOVED BY THE SMILING PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO SPONTANEOUSLY GATHER BEHIND ME.
YOU MADE US STAND HERE.
SHOOT HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We bury mines. If you walk in yard, you esplode.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY’RE BURIED?
Ah. Gud idea. Larry, go in house. Make map.
BOOM
No go dat way.

HERE, UH, ONE LAST THING... AS PART OF THE JOB, WE GIVE YOU A COMPANY CAR.
SWEET, PHIL... WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER? THAT SAVES ME FROM HAVING TO TAKE THE STUPID BUS TO WORK.
YEAH... I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED IT... I'LL HAVE IT BROUGHT OVER AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT...
I'M NOT PLEASED, PHIL.

DUDE, CHECK OUT THIS JOB LISTING... FLOOR MANAGER, LARGE PARTY SUPPLY STORE... TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR... INTERVIEWS BEING HELD TODAY...
HOLY SMOKES... INCLUDES HEALTH COVERAGE AND THREE WEEKS VACATION? IS THERE A CATCH?
NO, DUDE. NO CATCH. WISH ME LUCK...
THERE'S A CATCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M COMING TO GRIPS WITH MY OWN TRANSIENCE BY DRAWING IN THE SAND.
AS SOON AS I FINISH, A WAVE WIPES IT OUT.
THIS HELPS ME COME TO TERMS WITH MY OWN MORTALITY, BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I DO...
...I SEE IT WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN IN TIME.
AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?
OF COURSE I AM...IT'S THE NATURE OF LIFE. YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS TALKING TO ANDY, THAT LITTLE DOG ACROSS THE STREET. BOY, DOES HE HAVE BIG PLANS... HE'S GONNA BACKPACK THROUGH ITALY, SAFARI IN KENYA AND SIP TEA IN SHANGHAI.
DUDE... IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE DREAMS... IT'S ANOTHER TO BE DELUSIONAL.
WHAT'S SO DELUSIONAL ABOUT WANTING TO SEE THE WORLD?

...YEAH, DUDE, IT'S ME...I'M AT THE MOVIES...HUH?...YEAH. SWEET...NO...PRETTY DUMB...HUH?...YOU CUT OUT...YEAH...WANNA HOOK UP AFTER OR—
WHAM!
IT SURE BEATS ASKING POLITELY.

Duude.. Bad news..
The wife saw you eating nonfat blueberry yogurt.
You may be hosed.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH EATING YOGURT?
Uh.. Not a guy food, bro..
Now she thinks you’re weak.
An easy mark. And if…
Uhh, dude… What’s that
sticker on your book say?
‘OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB.’ WHY?
Oh, dear God.

MAYOR, THERE'S BEEN A RUMOR THAT YOU'VE PLACED RECORDING DEVICES THROUGHOUT OUR OFFICES.
WHY THAT'S ABSURD!
WHY THAT'S ABSURD!
MUST BE AN ECHO.

GOOD MORNING, MR. MAYOR.
GOOD MORNING, MR. CITY ATTORNEY. LISTEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO START SPYING ON OUR ENEMIES. WIRETAP THEIR OFFICES. THAT SORTA THING.
SIR, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THE BEST THING TO—
PLEASE. I KNOW HOW TO GOVERN. I BOUGHT A BOOK ON IT. I'M DOING WHATEVER THIS GUY DID.
SIR, THAT'S "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
NOW, WHAT IS THIS "WATERGATE HOTEL" AND WHY DO I NEED TO BREAK INTO IT?

HEY, ZEBRA, WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" WITH ME?
 
I'D LOVE TO, PIG, BUT NIGHT TIME IS WHEN THE WIVES OF THE LIONS NEXT DOOR DO THEIR HUNTING.
 
WELL, YOU CAN'T STAY HOME EVERY NIGHT, ZEBRA.
 
I KNOW. AND I REALLY WANT TO COME OVER. OHH... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...
 
Go for it.
 
Seize the day.
 
Hermit... Loner.

HEY SIR. HAVE YOU DECIDED ON WHAT YOU'D LIKE THIS EVENING?
WHAT YOU GOT, MEESTER BOW TIE MAN?
WELL, IF YOU'LL JUST LOOK AT THE MENU, SIR, YOU'LL SEE SOME WONDERFUL DISH-
OH PEEESE. FISH FOR LOZERS. SHUT MOUF.
UH ... SIR, THERE'S REALLY NO NEED TO -
RED MEET RED MEET RED MEET
FINE. FINE. SIR ... IF YOU'LL JUST SIT BACK DOWN AND TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MEAT YOU'D LIKE, I CAN -
DIS GUY.
AGAIN SIR, WE ALSO HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS
OHHHH. SO YOU HAVE ATTITUDE PROBBIN TOO, HUH?
CHECK. PLEASE.

THE FOOD IN THIS PLACE IS REALLY GOING DOWNHILL.
WELL, NEEDLESS TO SAY...
NEEDLESS TO SAY WHAT?
IT WAS NEEDLESS TO SAY.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
HEY, I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT IF IT'S NEEDLESS.

Duuude... Bad news... The wife spotted you coming home last night. You were wearing a fanny pack. You're doomed.
WHY AM I DOOMED?
Fanny packs show weakness. It's just one of those unspoken rules.
BUT I GOT IT DURING A RICK STEVES' PBS PLEDGE BREAK.
Ooooh. That didn't help.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? "THE REAL WORLD" IS ON.
NONE OF OUR USUAL CHANNELS ARE COMING IN. ALL I GET IS THIS SPECIAL CALLED "THE GLORY OF WATERFOWL."
WHAT KIND OF MORON NIXES "THE REAL WORLD" FOR THIS??!!
DUCK PROPAGANDA: THE KEY TO GOOD GOVERNANCE.

DUUUDE... GOOD NEWS... THE WIFE KILLED THAT BIG, FAT ANTELOPE ON 3RD STREET... WE'VE GOT ENOUGH FOOD FOR A WEEK... HIGH FIVE, BRO, YOU'RE SAFE.
SHE KILLED GEORGE? WE'VE BEEN CLOSE FRIENDS FOR SIXTEEN YEARS! HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!
IF YOU WANT, WE CAN SKIP THE HIGH FIVE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. MAYOR.
GOOD MORNING, MISS CITY CLERK. HOW ARE THINGS?
NOT SO GOOD, SIR. THE CITY COUNCIL WANTS TO WIPE OUT SOME OF THE EMERGENCY MEASURES YOU EVOKED.
FINE. EVUMINATE THEM.
THE LAWS?
THE CITY COUNCIL.
SIR...
HERE. HIDE THIS IN YOUR SWEATER.