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HOW COME EVERYONE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON HOW TO PROLONG THEIR LIVES AND SO LITTLE TIME ON HOW TO ACTUALLY LIVE THEIR LIVES?
IT'S SO STRANGE... IT'S LIKE OBSESSING ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF GAS LEFT IN YOUR TANK WHILE SPEEDING DOWN A HIGHWAY TO NOWHERE... WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE DO THAT?
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS HOW I WOUND UP IN A DR. PHIL INFOMERCIAL.
NEVER MIND.

THE ADVENTURES OF EGO-MAN, DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF.
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING MUGGED!
EGO-MAN! SAVE ME! I'M BEING MUGGED!
YES. BUT HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ME?
I GUESS IT DOESN'T.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BEHOLD! I AM EGO-MAN
YOU'RE A SUPERHERO?
YES, BUT WITH A UNIQUE APPROACH TO HELPING OTHERS.
WHICH IS?
I DON'T.
OH, LORD.
EGO-MAN: DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF.

Zeeba neighba? Dat you?
What the?? What have you done to my house??
We go Home Depot. Spend savings on breek and ceement. Cover you doors and weendows. Now you trapped. Now we keel you.
AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN?
Dis not proudest moment.

RAT, THIS IS SAM. HE'S LOOK- ING FOR A JOB. SAM IS ONE OF THE MOST UNIQUE AND EXOTIC BIRDS IN ALL OF NORTH AMERICA.
HE'S A PIGEON.
THAT'S ONE PADDED RÉSUMÉ.

THE CROCODILE'S INNATE ABILITY TO REMAIN MOTIONLESS FOR HOURS IS THE KEY TO HIS DEADLY HUNTING PROWESS
TO THE UNSUSPECTING PREY, HE APPEARS AS NOTHING MORE THAN AN INANIMATE PART OF THE PREY'S NATURAL ENVIRONMENT

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...ALL THIS TIME HAS PASSED AND I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE 'SOPRANOS' ENDING...ONLY THE SCREEN JUST WENT BLACK...
OH, WOW...YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING...I'M PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH THE WRITER, DAVID CHASE...MATTER OF FACT, HE'S HERE NOW...
OHMYGOD! DAVID CHASE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
HAHAHA...NO PROBLEM...WELL, AFTER THE FELLA IN THE MEMBERS-ONLY JACKET MAKES THAT TURN TOWARD THE RESTROOM, HE ---
HECKUVA TIME FOR AN INK SPILL...
I'M...GONNA...KILL...YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THE CLASSIFIEDS. I'M LOOKING FOR A USED CAR. THIS CHEVY VEGA LOOKS CHEAP.
OH, THOSE CARS ARE THE BEST... YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN THEM AND NOT WORRY ABOUT A THING.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS.
MAYBE I GOT THAT WRONG.

I'VE DECIDED TO FIND ALL MY ENEMIES AND TELL THEM I FORGIVE THEM.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT...WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
TO GIVE MY VENGEANCE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

WHAT'S WITH THE OUTFIT, JUNIOR?
I'VE DECIDED THAT COWS SHOULD REALLY START WEARING CLOTHES.. IT'S JUST NOT CIVILIZED TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS.
WHAT'S YOUR DAD THINK?
WOOHOOO
HE'S RESISTING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEING A LAWYER? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING PLENTY OF CASH PUBLISHING A TABLOID.
I WAS. BUT I GOT BORED.
SO I ASKED MYSELF, WHAT JOB ALLOWS ME TO MAKE A GOOD LIVING WHILE HELPING OTHERS AND FURTHERING THE CAUSE OF JUSTICE?
*snicker*
*snicker*
*snicker*
I ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN I SAY THAT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND... YOU GUYS GET DIVORCED AND YOUR WIVES OWE YOU ALL THIS SUPPORT... BUT YOU'RE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF GOING OUT AND HUNTING YOURSELVES.
We had a good lawyer.
I TRY NOT TO BRAG.

Alright now...
Slowly...
Slowly...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
The wives left us. We lost our household's primary prey-earners.
SO WHAT'S THAT?
Court-ordered support.
Want some?
NO THANKS.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA…
HOW YOU LIKE TRY "BOX O’ FUNN”?
WHY WOULD I STEP INTO A BOX OF CROCODILES?
IS BOX O’ FUNN!
NO CAN YOU SEE?
YEAH, I SEE… BUT WHY WOULD I BELIEVE IT?
BECUSS IT PRINT-ED RIGHT DERE IN WORDS.
DAT MAKE IT TRUE.
OKAY THEN…
Me want get out now.

WHO'S THAT?
WILHELM. THE AQUATIC LAMB.
SINCE WHEN DO LAMBS LIVE IN THE OCEAN?
SINCE WILHELM CONVINCED HIS ENTIRE FLOCK TO MOVE THERE AS A WAY TO ESCAPE THE WOLVES.
WHERE'S HIS FLOCK?
THE SHARKS ATE THEM.
POOR LEADERSHIP SKILLS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW iPHONE?
IS THAT THE ONE THAT LETS YOU SURF THE INTERNET AND LISTEN TO MUSIC?
YES, AND IF YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON, IT DOES YOUR LAUNDRY AND BRINGS YOU A BEER.
NOW THAT'S A PHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SHORT STORY. I THINK IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET IT PUBLISHED.
AND MONKEYS WILL FLY OUT OF MY BUM.
CURSE THAT CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

And so, da witch invited Hansel and Gretel into her candy-covered house. I will eat dem both, she muttered.
But juss as she grabbed for da keeds, dey shoved her into da oven and ran away.
Sniffle
Sniffle
Whimper
Sniffle
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A TRAGEDY, DAD.
But me HATE doze killer keeds.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
A CUTE LITTLE HOUSE... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BOOOOOOOO
I'M GETTING TIRED OF CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

WHO'S THAT STANDING BEHIND US?
THAT'S CONNIE, THE JUDGMENTAL COW. SHE WATCHES YOU FROM A DISTANCE AND JUDGES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
GET USED TO IT, FATTY.
I DON'T THINK I LIKE HER.

It was Betty's tenth wedding anniversary.
And she wanted to do something special.
So she and George rented a place by the sea.
They sat on the deck.
They listened to the ocean.
They took long walks on the beach.
And when it was over, she turned to George and looked into his eyes.
"We should do now, George," she said...
"... before Bob starts wondering where I am on our anniversary."
"Arf arf," replied George, wagging his tail.
YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
Sometimes I think you love that dog more than me," said Bob.
"Oh shut up," said Betty.

LOOKS LIKE THE LIONS TOOK MY COUSIN JOE FROM THE BACK OF THE HERD LAST WEEK AND ATE HIM.
WHY DO ZEBRAS HANG OUT IN HERDS IF ALL THEY DO WHEN LIONS ATTACK IS STAND AROUND AND STARE AT THE GUY BEING DRAGGED OFF?
OHHH... WE DO A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE WAVE GOODBYE.

WHY DOES THE ANONYMITY OF THE INTERNET BRING OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I KEEP THIS BLOG AND EVERY DAY THIS IDIOT POSTS COMMENTS RIPPING INTO MY WRITING...
SO TODAY I POSTED THIS BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION TO HIM:
"WHY BOTHER READING SOMETHING YOU HATE?"
Oh. So profound.

Zeeba neighba? Dat you?
WHAT THE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE??
We go Home Depot.
Spend savings on breek and ceement.
Cover you doors and weendows.
Now you trapped.
Now we keel you.
AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN?
Dis not proudest moment.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GOODNIGHT.
I GUESS IT IS.
ERRRT ERRRT ERRRRT
AWKWARD MOMENT ALERT!!!
ADMITTEDLY, THE MEGAPHONE WAS OVERKILL.