Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hi. Welcome to 'Dullard' Computer's Tech Support Voice-Recognition System. Please state the problem you're having.
MY COMPUTER WON'T BOOT UP.
I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Please say your problem again.
MY COMPUTER… WON'T… BOOT...
Great. So your pooter won't toot. Let's see how we can help.
YOU LITTLE GREK#$@!%&...

HELLO... WELCOME TO "DULLARD COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT... PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE.. YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US...
SO IMPORTANT, IN FACT, THAT WE'LL KEEP YOU ON HOLD FOR FOUR HOURS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY HIRING PEOPLE WHO COULD TAKE YOUR CALL.
AAAAUGHH!!
OH!! YOU SAD POWERLESS LITTLE TROLL...

Where is you running, Floyd?
Secret Agent Cat leave us special message! Me tink it say he keel zeeba.
Where he leave special message?!
He bury right here...
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
Dat not very special.

Pssst... Cat...
Ees crocs...
Does you keel zeeba?
Hssssssssssss
Me popped heem.

LEMME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND. YOU MORONS ADOPTED A MEAN CAT TO KILL THE ZEBRA, BUT THE CAT TURNED OUT TO LIKE THE ZEBRA.
Peese shut mouf, Woonum. You no unnerstan nutting.
OH, TELL ME, LARRY... WHAT AM I MISSING?
Cat VEESHUS... Once eenside zeeba house, cat will keel heem! KEEL heem! KEEL heem! PURRR PURRR PURRR ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ

THANKS AGAIN FOR ADOPTING THIS CAT... NOT EVERY PERSON THAT COMES IN HERE ASKS FOR THE CAT THAT SCRATCHES AND BITES THE MOST.
OH... EES NO PROBBUM. WE NICE GUY.
HEY...WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH A--
KEEL ZEEBA
REEP TO SHRED
AWWWWW...CUTIE 'LIL GUY...
KEEL HEEM
TEAR OFF HEAD
HOW 'BOUT I GET YOU SOME MILK.
KEEL HEEM
END ZEEBA LIFE
CAT MUST HAVE SECRET PLAN.

RAT, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
BEFORE I JOIN THIS YOUNG COUPLE IN HOLY MATRIMONY, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO THE LOVELY BRIDE AND HER GROOM ABOUT THIS THEIR SPECIAL DAY...
EACH OF YOU COULD HAVE DONE MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
YOUR MOTHERS MADE ME SAY THAT.

RAT ACTS AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A DOVE, WHICH REPRESENTS THE PEACE AND HARMONY YOU TWO WILL EXPERIENCE TOGETHER.
AND BOB THE ELEPHANT, WHO REPRESENTS THE PROBLEMS.
NO SUDDEN MOVES. BOB'S JUMPY.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE LICENSE... HE'S GONNA PERFORM WEDDINGS.
A CYNIC LIKE HIM?... THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
OHH, HE'LL BE FINE.
AND REMEMBER, 'GROOM' RHYMES WITH 'DOOM.'

WELL, GOODBYE, MOM... I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU... AND EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF WHAT YOU SAY IS FILLED WITH SUBTLE CRITICISM, I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN IT.
I LOVE YOU TOO, SON... I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING.
DID YOU SHOWER?

SON, TALK TO YOUR UNCLE... HE HASN'T SEEN YOU IN TWELVE YEARS...
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM?
HE'S... HE'S CHANGED. HE'S JUST A GOAT. HE EATS GRASS. HE WALKS ON ALL FOURS.
OH, SON... HE DIDN'T CHANGE... YOU DID.
AND NOT FOR THE BETTER, SAYS YOUR PEEVED UNCLE TED.

GOAT RETURNS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, SON, BUT I INVITED OVER SOME OF YOUR RELATIVES... THEY'RE IN THE BACKYARD...
YOU DID? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT... SO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO...
BAAA-AA
SOMEBODY'S CHANGED, MA..
DON'T BE RUDE, SON... SAY HELLO.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
HEY YOU... PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
WHAT KIND OF DAD COMES ALL THE WAY TO THE PARK WITH HIS LITTLE GIRL AND THEN SPENDS HALF THE TIME ON HIS CELL PHONE?... WHAT'S THAT TEACHING YOUR KID?
THAT'S NOT MY KID.
LET'S GO, SWEETIE... I DON'T WANT YOU EXPOSED TO... WHATEVER...
WHAT'S THAT TEACHING KIDS?

LIKE MOTHER TERESA, I HAVE FOUND A PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! WHAT IS IT?
I AM GOING TO FIND EVERY IDIOT WHO'S EVER POSED FOR A PHOTO BY RESTING HIS CHIN ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND AND BEAT HIM WITH THIS CUCUMBER.
HEY, GUYS, LOOK! I JUST GOT MY PHOTO TAKEN, AND BOY, DO I LOOK THOUGHTFUL!
I'M SENSING A CUCUMBER MOMENT.
RUN, PIG. RUN.

SO, SON, HOW'S YOUR WORK?
FINE, MA. I'VE BEEN IN THE COMIC STRIP FIVE YEARS NOW. DO YOU STILL READ IT?
YES, BUT I DON'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND IT. AND WHY DO THEY CALL YOU 'GOAT'? YOUR NAME IS 'PARIS.'
I KNOW, MA. IT'S JUST A STAGE NAME.
WELL, IT'S A DUMB NAME IF YOU ASK ME. AND WHY DO THEY GIVE ALL THE JOKES TO THAT PIG? CAN'T YOU SAY FUNNY LINES?
HOW 'BOUT WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, MA.?
SURE.
HOW COME YOU DON'T VISIT MORE OFTEN?

GOAT RETURNS HOME TO SEE HIS FAMILY.
OH, SON... WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON... BUT FIRST, EAT... EAT... YOU'RE MUCH TOO SKINNY... NOW HERE'S SOME--
SWEETHEART, YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR FISH... IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT?
UM FUH, MAH.
FUL... ALREADY?

GOAT RETURNS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
MOM!
SON!
THUD
BAG O' GUILT
YOU COULDN'T EVEN WAIT 'TIL I GOT IN THE FRONT DOOR?
NOPE.

GOAT FLIES HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
I'M SO NERVOUS... I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... LIKE WHAT IF MY FAMILY'S CHANGED?...
...OR WHAT IF I'VE CHANGED? ...OR WHAT IF I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THEM?...
...OR WHAT IF I SUFFOCATE BETWEEN TWO FAT GUYS IN COACH?
MOVE THE SNOUT, PAL. YOU'RE CROWDING MY ELBOW.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF.
WHERE TO?
FLYING HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY AND MY RELATIVES. I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN TWELVE YEARS.
HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.
I DON'T LIKE TO PUSH MY LUCK.

HULLOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEESTEN... ME TINK YOU WAS VERY LUCKY TO ESCAHPE US CROC DIS WEEK. WE ALMOST EAT YOU ALIVE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I DON'T THINK YOU COULD HAVE ACTUALLY EATEN ME. I DON'T THINK YOUR CONSCIENCE WOULD'VE LET YOU.
CONSHUSS?... WHAT IS DIS CONSHUSS?
ME, MY SON. I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE, AND THE KILLING AND EATING OF OTHERS IS WRONG! YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS!
TOSS
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
ME ALWAYS TINK BETTER AFTER LEETLE SNACK.

Okay, zeeba, you time up...
Peesa say goodbye to you sad leetle life...
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY
"MAKE MY DAY."

OUR HERO, EGO-MAN, DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF, HEARS THE CRY OF AN ANGUISHED SOUL!
EGO-MAN! EGO-MAN! SAVE ME!
WHAT IS IT?
THE CROCS! THEY'RE ABOUT TO EAT ME! I WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME?
YOU? NOTHING! IT'S ME THEY WANT TO EAT!!
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM.

Okay, precessors…
We have decided to let one of you go.
Which one should us pick?
OHHHH, NO… YOU’RE NOT GONNA BREAK OUR UNITY…
EITHER FREE BOTH OF US OR NONE.
“Zebra meat tastes guuuud.”
I ALWAYS DID LIKE BILLY BETTER.

ZEBRA, BEFORE WE DIE, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU JUST ONE QUESTION... WHY'D YOU RISK YOUR LIFE TO SAVE ME?
BECAUSE, JEFFY, I LIKE YOU... YOU REPRESENT INNOCENCE... A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN THINGS WERE KINDER AND SIMPLER. A TIME WHEN PEOPLE CARED ABOUT ONE ANOTHER.
"WHATEVER."
YOU'RE KIND OF RUINING THE MOMENT, JEFFY.

RAT! RAT! ZEBRA GOT CAUGHT BY THE CROCS!
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?
LITTLE JEFFY THOUGHT THE CROCS' SWAMP WAS A SWIMMING POOL AND DOVE IN! ZEBRA TRIED TO SAVE HIM AND THE CROCS CAUGHT THEM BOTH!
SO THAT'S WHY THE CROCS MADE ME DISMISS THEIR SUIT! I'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FAST.
YES, BUT WHAT?
SEND THEM MY FINAL BILL.
I MEANT ABOUT ZEBRA.
DON'T TELL ME HE OWES ME MONEY.