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EXCUSE ME, PIG. BUT DID YOU EAT MY LAST BAG OF CHEESE POOFS?
OH, YEAH. SORRY. I REALLY LOVE CHEESE POOFS.
LISTEN, PIG, YOU KNOW WE'RE FRIENDS.
RIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW I'D GO TO BAT FOR YOU.
RIGHT.
THEN YOU SHOULD BE EXPECTING THAT...
...I'VE NEVER LIKED BASEBALL.

I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, DAD... CAN YOU TELL ME A BEDTIME STORY?
SURE ME CAN, SON.
ONCE UPON TIME, DERE WAS GIRL NAMED GOLDIBLOCKS.
BEAR KEEL HER.
SWEET DREAMS, MY BABY BOY.
NOT LIKELY, POPS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M PORING OVER PHYSICS BOOKS IN AN ATTEMPT TO UNIFY GENERAL RELATIVITY AND QUANTUM MECHANICS INTO ONE UNIFIED THEORY THAT GOVERNS OUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
THIS.
Beer is good.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT SIMPLE.

SO, PIGITA... HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS NEW RESTAURANT?
FINE, PIG, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I NO LONGER WANT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT?? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BOY, PIG, AND I WANT A MAN. SOMEONE WHO'S ESTABLISHED. SOMEONE WHO'S CONNECTED. SOMEONE WHO'S RESPECTED.
I'M ESTABLISHED! I'M CONNECTED! I'M RESPECTED!

PACK OF CRAYONS?
THAT DIDN'T HELP.

OHH, BRITNEY, THE REHAB CENTER FOUND OUT I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM! THEY'RE KICKING ME OUT! I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
I'LL MISS YOU TOO, PIG!
YOU REALLY NEED TO START WEARING UNDERPANTS.

THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE HERE.
YEAH. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WRONG NOW, YOU CHECK INTO REHAB. IT'S DAMAGE CONTROL.
WOW. YOU'RE NOT KIDDING. THAT'S THAT MOVIE STAR...
...AND THAT'S THAT RADIO SHOW HOST...
...HEY. AND THERE'S MY MAYOR...
...AND THAT'S MY CONGRESSMAN....
MAYBE IT'D BE QUICKER TO LIST THE PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T IN HERE.
WELL, THERE'S
...
...BUT SHE
SHOULD BE.

You ready, Pig?
I think so.
Then let's do it.
BAH DUM DUM...
OH! BABY BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOOOOOOW...
Better?
A little.

Dear Mother,
Hi, I am on vacation. It is a great resort!
The only bad thing is that they make you drink beer to get in here. But I did it and now I'm in!
Oh well... I gotta go. I met a new friend and we're gonna play frisbee together.
YOU READY, BRITNEY?
SURE AM, PIG.

To the most bootiful
woomun I ever seen…
Best. Vacashun. Ever.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
SHINY HAPPY NEW BEGINNINGS... IT'S A RANCH OFFERING "A WARM, FRIENDLY, SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT CLOSE TO NATURE."
PIG... THIS IS REHAB... IT'S ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO DRINK A LOT.
Well this is a silly requirement.

I WAS IN THE BOOKSTORE TODAY. I NOTICED THEY HAD TWELVE OF THE LATEST "GET FUZZY" BOOK, BUT ONLY TEN OF YOUR NEWEST "PEARLS" BOOK.
GOOD FOR "FUZZY".
DOES IT HURT YOU TO KNOW THAT DARBY CONLEY IS TWENTY PERCENT MORE POPULAR THAN YOU?
PLEASE GO AWAY.
AFTER ALL, IF THIS WERE AN ELECTION, THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED A GIANT ### LANDSIDE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE GOT PIG ON THE COVER OF YOUR BOOK. WHO LIKES STUPID PIGS? NO ONE! CATS ARE WHAT THE COUNTRY DEMANDS. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!
I DON'T HAVE A STUPID CAT IN MY COMIC, OKAY?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRAW ONE!!!
AND THAT'S WHERE I, "BUCKY, THE GUARDIGUANO ATTORNEY", COME IN.

HEY, PIG, LOOK, I GOT YOU THE NEW "WAKE UP WITH HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE" ALARM CLOCK.
WOW! "HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE"! THAT'S GREAT! LET ME TRY THE ALARM HERE...
RISE AND SHINE, FATTY!! ANOTHER @#$%*#* DAY AWAITS!!
THE PACKAGING'S A BIT MISLEADING.

HUH, SWEETCHEEKS. I'M HERE FOR WORK AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY FLak FOR BEING TWO HOURS LATE. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU'RE FIRED, RAT.
OH, SHOVE IT IN YOUR EAR, GARY. YOU'VE GOT A POLICY OF CORPORATE DIVERSITY AND I'M YOUR ONLY RAT.
IS THAT SO, SWEETCHEEKS?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE FEEDER MICE?
DEY PUNCH ME IN HEAD.
CAN WE CLEAN THE BATHROOMS AGAIN, MR. GARY? PLEEEEEAAASE.

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. BAD NEWS, SIR... THE JOHNSONS GOT A NEW LEXUS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
A LOT, SIR. I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL POOR AND UNWORTHY.
MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE THE CAR.
WISH WE'D SPOKEN SOONER, SIR.

WELCOME, SIR. IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE AND A PLEASURE TO WORK FOR YOUR COMPANY.
THANK YOU...AND HOW IS OUR TEAM OF HAPPY JOE'S ROASTERY EMPLOYEES DOING?
FIGHT THE POWER.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
VIVA LA RAY-VOLUTION!

ALRIGHT, RAT, LISTEN… THE C.E.O. OF JOE'S ROASTERY IS VISITING OUR CAFÉ TODAY AND WE NEED TO SET UP A WELCOMING PARTY.
OH, THE BIG FAT DO-NOTHING THAT MAKES $4,000,000 A YEAR, PAYS ME $5.15 AN HOUR, AND EXPECTS ME TO BE INSPIRED BY A CORPORATE CHEER EVERY MORNING?
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE PART OF THE WELCOMING PARTY.
OHH, I'VE GOT HIS WELCOMING PARTY.

WHERE'D ALL THE CLONES GO?
I GOT RID OF THEM. THOSE LITTLE IDIOTS WERE OUT DOING GOOD DEEDS. THEY ALMOST DESTROYED MY REPUTATION.
BUT I LOVED THOSE GUYS. WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THEM?
SPECIAL DELIVERY.
OOOOOOOH.

LARRY, I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU TALKED TO
OUR SON ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
OH, PEESE
WOMAN... NO
BE STOOPID...
WHY ME DO
DAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HIS
FATHER, LARRY. IT'S
YOUR JOB.
OHHHKAY, FINE.
IF IT MAKE
YOU SHUT
YOU MOUF.
SON?
YEAH, DAD?
BIRDS IS GUD. EAT DEM IF YOU
CAN. BUT NO EAT BEES. DEY
STEENG YOU FACE.
THANKS, DAD, BUT I ALREADY
KNEW THAT.
BEEEEEEG WASTE OF TIME.

HEY THERE, PIG... HOW'D YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
OH, PRETTY GOOD, RAT. THANKS FOR ASKING.
CAN I BUY YOU A CUP OF JOE?
OH, SURE... I'D LOVE THAT... THANK YOU!
STUPID CLONE.

ALRIGHT, GUYS. IF I'M GONNA HAVE LITTLE CLONES RUNNING AROUND, I NEED TO BE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND RATSUNIAN IDEOLOGY. THUS, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING QUESTION...
PEOPLE ARE:
A) KIND.
B) LOVING.
C) BIG FAT IDIOTS TO BE DISTRUSTED AND LOATHED.
THAT WAS INCORRECT.
c) idiots distrusted loathed.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
I'M JUST IN A BAD MOOD AND DON'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH ANYONE.
HIYA!
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

HOW'S YOUR STEM CELL RESEARCH GOING?
PRETTY GOOD.
JUST FINE.
SWELL.
PEACHY.
SUDDENLY, I'M VERY AGAINST CLONING.
OHH
THAT'S
NOT
NICE
YOU FATHEAD.

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR NICOLETTE, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOREVER TO HAVE KIDS, BUT SO FAR, NO LUCK. OHH, HOW I LONG FOR THE PITTER PATTER OF LITTLE FEET...
HAVE YOU SEEN...?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STOLE SOME STEM CELLS AND BEGAN CREATING MY VERY OWN HUMAN BEING FROM THE GROUND UP.
BUT THOSE ARE JUST FEET.
I GOT BORED.

WHO'S YOUR WEIRD-LOOKING FRIEND?
EURIPEDES. THE ONE-EYED FROG.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS EYE?
NOTHING. HE JUST KEEPS IT CLOSED.
WHY WOULD HE KEEP ONE EYE CLOSED?
BECAUSE EURIPEDES BELIEVES THAT THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH PAIN. BY CLOSING ONE EYE, HE SHUTS OUT HALF OF IT.
BUT AREN'T THERE DISADVANTAGES TO ONLY USING ONE OF HIS EYES?
WELL, HE HAS NO DEPTH PERCEPTION, SO HE CAN'T PLAY CATCH, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
I THOUGHT OF ONE.