Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHOA. DUDE. I DIED IN MY OWN STRIP. THIS IS SO MESSED UP.
YOU? WHO CARES ABOUT YOU? I DIED! ME, THE STAR! AND I’M STUCK IN ETERNITY WITH YOU!
WELL, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?!
HOW DO I KNOW? DON’T WE GET SOME SORT OF ANGEL ESCORT OR SOMETHING?
THAT’S ONE HOMELY ANGEL.

OHMYGAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! OUR OWN CREATOR DIED. IT'S SO SAD!
SAD? DUDE, IT ROCKS. HE SAID A CHARACTER HAD TO DIE THIS WEEK, AND IT'S NOT US!
WOOHOO!
DID HE SAY IT WAS ONLY ONE?
WELL, NO, BUT I-
YACK
I SUPPOSE IT WOULD LOOK BAD TO JUMP UP AND CHEER.

DO YOU REALLY THINK PASTIS IS GOING TO KILL OFF ONE OF OUR MAIN CHARACTERS?
YEP... AND I'M EXCITED. WE CAN USE A LITTLE THINNING OF THE HERD.
BUT WHO DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE?
SOMEONE USELESS.
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT FUNNY.
...
*GASP*
DIBS ON THE IPOD.

OKAY, GUYS, NOW LISTEN... OTHER COMIC STRIPS HAVE BEEN KILLING THEIR CHARACTERS RIGHT AND LEFT, SO IF WE'RE GONNA STAY COMPETITIVE, I THINK WE HAVE TO "OFF" A CHARACTER ALSO.
ONE OF OUR OWN CHARACTERS.

OH.

OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN... THERE SEEMS
TO BE A TREND IN COMIC STRIPS
OF KILLING OFF A CHARACTER, OR
AT LEAST COMING CLOSE... THEY'RE
ALL DOING IT -- FUNKY WINKERBEAN,
DILBERT, "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE"...
"FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE" IS THAT
THAT GREAT STRIP THAT WAS GONNA
RETIRE, BUT THEN DIDN'T, THEN START-
ED RUNNING REPEATS, THEN DIDN'T,
THEN RAN NEW ONES, BUT THEN FIXED
UP THE OLD ONES AND NOW IS GONNA
RUN NEW OLD UN-NEW NEW ONES?
WHOAAAA... I THINK MY BRAIN
EXPLODED.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO MEXICO. BUT I'M WORRIED ABOUT NOT KNOWING SPANISH.
I KNOW SOME. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
WELL... WHAT'S THE SPANISH WORD FOR TACO?
WHAT'S IT?
THAT'S IT.
WHAT'S THE WORD?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SAID YOU.
YES.
SO WHAT'S THE WORD FOR BURRITO?
IT'S THE SAME.
YES.
THEN WHAT'S THE WORD FOR AN ENCHILADA?
DUDE, DON'T BE A G******** MORON!!
YOU WANT WHAT, SEÑOR?
TWO TACO, ONE THE SAME, AND DUDE, DON'T BE A G******** MORON.

WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU?
MY BACK HURT, SO MY DOCTOR GAVE ME PAIN KILLERS. BUT I THINK I TOOK TOO MUCH. I FEEL WEIRD.
HOW DO YOU MEAN WEIRD?
WEIRD.
HOW WEIRD?
I GOTTA GO.

HEY, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, SINCE I GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS, I THOUGHT I'D WRITE YOURS.
OH, SURE. IT'S MORE COMPLIMENTARY THAN YOU'D PROB-ABLY IMAGINE.
DO I WANT TO SEE THIS?
He drew cartoons,
but they were rotten.
And that is why
He's now forgotten.
YOU SEEM UPSET.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS.
YES, BUT IT'S HARD TO SUM UP A PERSON'S LIFE RESPECTFULLY IN JUST A FEW LINES. HERE, LOOK AT ONE I JUST DID...
Here layeth Bob.
Who never got a job.
But don't be sad, be sunny.
He's done leeching your money.
I DON'T THINK I'LL HIRE YOU.
HEY... DOES ANYTHING RHYME WITH "DRUNKEN HOBO"?

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB WRITING EPITAPHS FOR PEOPLE'S TOMBSTONES.
YEAH... THIS ONE'S TOUGH, THOUGH, 'CAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T SEEM TO DO A LOT.
LET ME SEE.
He lived. He died. We barely cried.
QUITE A TRIBUTE.
HEY. IT RHYMES.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY, PING PING.
Wuhh?
I SAY... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
So?
WHY DO YOU THINK THE ZOO HAS SO MUCH TROUBLE GETTING LING-LING TO MATE WITH PING PING?
WHO KNOWS.

HEY, RAT... YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY E-MAIL ABOUT HELPING ME MOVE SOME STUFF OUT OF STORAGE.
OH, I RESPONDED. AND I SAID YES... YOU PROBABLY DELETED IT.
WHY WOULD I DELETE YOUR EMAIL?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I TITLED IT 'DISCOUNT PHARMACEUTICALS.'
I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH SUBJECT LINES.

THE ADVENTURES OF DANNY DONKEY
A Children's Story by Rat
Danny Donkey hated
happy people.
I hate you.
He hated their music.
He hated their weekend plans.
Their family photos.
And their unsolicited advice.
But most of all,
he hated their willingness
to whistle.
So Danny Donkey bought a "Bonk O' Matic 2000" and gave each and every happy person he
met one solid whack on the head.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN'T END A CHILDREN'S BOOK THIS WAY... AT A MINIMUM, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DANNY'S BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.
QUESTION IT IN SOME WAY ...
Why he didn't smash them repeatedly,
we'll never know.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR DAN.
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
IT'S MY WIFE... IT REALLY BUGS ME WHEN SHE FLIRTS
WITH OTHER MEN. MAYBE I'M JUST TOO POSSESSIVE...
OH, GEE, DAN...YOU
SHOULD NEVER BE
TOO POSSESSIVE...
YOUR WIFE WILL
THINK YOU DON'T
TRUST HER.
YEAH,
YOU'RE
RIGHT.
I'M
GONNA
APOLOGIZE.
I'LL WAIT 'TIL SHE'S DONE.

PIG GOT A JOB. HE'S A TRAVEL AGENT.
TRAVEL AGENT? DON'T MOST PEOPLE JUST USE THE INTERNET NOW?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID...BUT HE SAID A GOOD TRAVEL AGENT CAN DIFFERENTIATE HIMSELF BY PROVIDING UNIQUE ADDED VALUE.
WHAT'S HE HAVE IN MIND?
I will scrub your toes.

Ees piranha ready, Bob?
Piranha ready, Fred.
Petting zoo
zeebas FREE!!
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS.

DO NOT PANIC, BUT WE ARE BEING INVADED BY SOME KIND OF ROBOT ANDROID SPACE ALIENS.
THAT'S A BLUETOOTH.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU KNOW YOUR SPACE ALIENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CATALOGING MY BODY PARTS.
WHY?
SO IF I LOSE THEM, I CAN REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE.

OHH, PIG... YOU GOTTA HELP ME... I FEEL TERRIBLE... I HIT A SQUIRREL DRIVING MY CAR...
WHY’D YOU LET HIM DRIVE YOUR CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE?
MAYBE I’LL GET HELP FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

What matter you, Meester Sad Girly Face?
I RAN OVER A SQUIRREL WHILE I WAS DRIVING HOME. I FEEL TERRIBLE...
Oh, peese. Beeg whoop.
Yeah. Like beeg whoop, man.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF FEMALE PHRASES
Phrase No. 51
"It's okay."
Definition:
"It's not okay. And if you do it, I'll go off on you in about three weeks for something unrelated."
HAHAHA... SO TRUE. SO TRUE...UH...SORRY, SWEETIE...
OH. IT'S OKAY.

OH NO, zeeba neighba!… IS ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN FROM DA OUTER SPACE! WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, ALL-POWERFUL ALIEN MAN?
Me...Need...Zeeba...Specimen...Or...Me...is...Destroy...Planet.
GOOD. THEN MAYBE ALL THIS MISERY WILL END.
Okay...Dat like really bad attitude.
Yeah, man. Like, take you Prozac.

Listen; Check this out.
Duuude: You're not gonna believe this.
Duuuuwud: What you just said really ticked me off.
Dude Dude Dude: Hot chick at nine o'clock.
THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
Duuuuud.
Dude Dude Dude.

RAT'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES
Phrase No. 44:
"I'm swamped."
Definition:
"I generally surf the internet eight hours per workday, but am currently in the midst of a five-minute project."
HEY RAT, WOULD YOU MIND—
SORRY, DUDE. TOTALLY SWAMPED.

Dear Diary,
I am fat. I am
going to join a gym.
I will go there every
day. I will lose 50
pounds.
YOU DUMB PIG. IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU GOTTA START SMALL. SET REALISTIC GOALS.
I will drive by
the gym on
my way to
McDonald's.