Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, WHY'D THEY CHANGE THE COLOR OF THESE DINER STOOLS?
I DUNNO. WHY'S IT MATTER?
BECAUSE THIS REPRESENTS CHANGE. I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE. I LIKE EVERY ASPECT OF MY DAY TO REMAIN EXACTLY THE SAME, AS DEVIATIONS SUCH AS THIS CARRY THE DEVASTATING POTENTIAL FOR DESTROYING THE FRAGILE BALANCE THAT IS ME.
IT'S A CHAIR.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT HOME, CRYING, IN A DARK CORNER OF MY CLOSET.

DO YOU THINK I'M FAT?
YES. YOU'RE FAT.
YOU KNOW, MOST FRIENDS TRY TO SAY SOMETHING REASSURING WHEN THEY'RE ASKED A QUESTION LIKE THAT.
REST ASSURED, YOU'RE FAT.
NEVER MIND.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I FEEL COMPELLED TO WARN YOU OF SOMETHING... YOUR NEW PEN PALS -- THE CROCS -- ARE JUST BEFRIENDING YOU TO EAT YOU.
EAT ME? WHY?
YOU'RE A PIG, SIR... THE CROCS LEARNED YOU'RE THE SOURCE OF PORK AND SAUSAGE AND HAM AND BACON.
OH MY.
YOU'RE SHOCKED.
I'M HUNGRY.
YOU'RE DISTURBING ME, SIR.

I'M AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.
WHY ?
BECAUSE IT'S SO NEBULOUS.
WHAT DOES NEBULOUS MEAN ?
IT'S REALLY UNCLEAR.
THEN WHY USE THE WORD ?
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

Hulllooo leetle piggy... How you like play game? We call 'No Go Croc Mout.'
OH, BOY! HOW'S IT WORK?
You ees run toward croc mout'! Eef you avoid mout', you WEEN!
I WIN? OH, BOY! BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T AVOID IT?
Uh. You lose.
NUTS.
Weening not eevryting.

DID I GET ANY MAIL?
DID I GET ANY MAIL?
YOU DID, ACTUALLY. YOU BETTER NOT BE ACTING AS YOUR OWN PEN PAL AGAIN.
I'M NOT. I GOT A REAL PEN PAL. SOMEONE WHO WRITES ALL THE TIME! SOMEONE WHO KEEPS INVITING ME TO HIS HOUSE! FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A FRIEND AS MUCH AS I DO! HE'S EVEN GIVEN ME A NICKNAME, STRANGE AS IT IS.
WHAT'S THE NICKNAME?
Dear Bacon Butt

LARRY! LARRY! YOU IS NO BELIEVE IT!
What ees it, Floyd?
Me is watch dackenamerny, Larry. On teesleevish! It show factory dat make ham, pork, bacon, SAUSAGE! Me see how dey make it all!
WOT?? Larry want go dere right now!
HA! DAT BEST PART, LARRY! We not need go dere to get food.
You is better not messing wid Larry, Floyd, becuss dis like BEST DAY EVER OF LARRY LIFE!!
Me not. All dis fud in one building close to us, Larry! One building. We juss need go dere!!
LARRY WANT GO MAGICAL BILDEEN NOWWWNNN
SOMEONE'S AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR YOU.

Dear Me,
Hi, You're nice. Will
you be my pen-pal?
If yes, please so
indicate with a happy
smiley face.
(like this)
DUDE, IF IT EVER FOUND OUT
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS
SUCH A LOSER THAT HE
AGREED TO BECOME HIS
OWN PEN PAL, I WOULD
KICK HIS SAD LOSER BUTT
FROM HERE TO THE POST
OFFICE.

Dear cell phone company,
Last month I exceeded my monthly minutes while talking to my relatives and got charged extra.
While I admit making these calls to my relatives I must ask for a refund for the following reason.
I did not enjoy their conversation.
HOPEFULLY, THEY KNOW MY RELATIVES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
IT'S MAURA, SIR. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I KNOW IT.
OH, LIL' GUARD DUCK.
I DON'T GET IT, SIR. THEY SAY IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE… WELL, I DID THAT, SIR, AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK… OHHH, SIR… WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN? WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, CHAIN THEM TO A HEAVY KITCHEN APPLIANCE.
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SUGGESTION!
I WANT A GIRLFRIEND, SIR… NOT A HOSTAGE.

THE COWS ARE TAKING HOSTAGES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT HERE, ON THE SIDE OF THE MILK CARTON, THEY PUT A PHOTO OF THIS OLD GUY WHO THEY SAY IS "MISSING." THEN THEY ADD, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?"
I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY DAIRY COWS.

I WENT TO A STARBUCKS ON MONDAY. IT WAS 11:00 A.M. THE CAFE WAS FILLED WITH PEOPLE ALL SITTING AROUND. I BEGAN TO PONDER SOME OF LIFE'S GREATEST MYSTERIES.
LIKE WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS??!!
IT'S THE QUESTION OF OUR AGE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, LIL GUARD DUCK?
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MAURA, MY SOULMATE, THE BENEVOLENT SAVIOR OF MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE, NEVER RETURNED FROM HER WINTER MIGRATION.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M PACKING UP EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY GIFT SHE EVER GAVE ME. I NEVER WANT TO BE REMINDED OF HER AGAIN.
IT'S EMPTY.
SHE NEVER COULD REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.

HEY THERE, MR. CRUMB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M TIRED OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING ON THE STREET. I JUST TOIL AND SWEAT AND EAT FRUIT I FIND OUTSIDE THE MARKET.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A REAL CONUNDRUM. I'D LIKE TO DO SOME SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE... LIKE, I PLAYED GUITAR AND PERCUSSION IN A BAND... MAYBE I SHOULD RETURN TO IT.
WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE THEN I STILL FEEL MY LIFE IS A DUMB IDEA. I'M JUST AS HAPPY TO SIT IN SOME RUNDOWN AREA AND DRINK A LITTLE WINE AND HUM MYSELF A TUNE.
OH, MR. CRUMB. DON'T GET DOWN LIKE THAT.
I TELL YOU, I'M NOT MUCH TO PIG...AND I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS.
ANSWERS TO WHAT?
MR. CRUMB'S CONUNDRUM OF THE HUMDRUM OF LIVING SOME BUM LIKE A NUMB BUM FROM SOME SCUM OR DRUM UP SOME HUM OR RUN IF DUMB.
YOU'RE A NAUSEA-INDUCING EMBARRASSMENT.
SICK TUM? HAVE SOME GUM.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON, I WILL ONLY MAKE FRIENDS WITH TWINS.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE A FRIEND IS A BIG INVESTMENT OF TIME AND EFFORT AND I'D HATE FOR THAT TO GO TO WASTE.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH TWINS?
IF ONE DIES, THERE'S A SPARE.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. I HEAR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ANDY WANTS TO BE A DISCO DANCER, SIR.
YEAH. AND HE'S A LITTLE WORRIED. HE KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU REACH FOR THE STARS, YOU CATCH A HANDFUL OF CRITICS, ALL TRYING TO STOP YOU.
GEE, SIR. I CAN HELP HIM WITH THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
READING "THE SECRET"... IT'S ABOUT HOW IF YOU VISUALIZE SOMETHING, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN... I THINK IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE CREDIT THAT KIND OF THINKING FOR THEIR SUCCESS, BUT I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY IT... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO VISUALIZE?
PIG'S FAILURE.
IT REALLY WORKS!

I VISITED ANDY TODAY. HE'S THAT LIL' CHAINED-UP DOG. HE THINKS HE'S FINALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO BREAK FROM HIS CHAIN.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
A SKILL... HE'S GONNA GET GOOD AT JUST ONE THING AND HOPE IT'S HIS TICKET OUT.
WHAT'S THE SKILL?

Okay, zeeba neighba... Now you doomed. Dis Crazy Gary. He unpredictable. He qeek. He bite off hand so fast, zeeba not know what happen.
CRUNCH
Zeeba hand, Gary... Zeeba hand.

Dear "My girlfriend Pigita"
YOU STUPID PIG. YOU DON'T BEGIN A LETTER WITH "MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA" ... GIVE HER A PET NAME ... SOMETHING ENDEARING ... MAYBE REFERENCING SOMETHING THAT ONLY THE TWO OF YOU SHARE ...
Dear "Girl-Who-Toots-in-Her-Sleep-Repeatedly"

The large train needed to be pulled over the mountain.
"We cannot do it," said the big engines,
"It's too hard."
"I would like to do it," volunteered the tiniest train in the train yard.
The larger trains laughed at the tiny train.
"You cannot do it," they said,
"I can try my best," said the tiny train.
So the tiny train pulled and pulled with all his might and soon the tiny train started up the mountain. None of the other trains were around.
"I think I can. I think I can," said the tiny train to himself as he slowly moved up the mountain pulling his large load.
"I know I can! I know I can!" shouted the tiny train as he reached the summit.
Then a massive landslide destroyed the train.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, LUCK AND TIMING ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN PERSONAL EFFORT.
I WILL NEVER TRY AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?

UPDATING MY "FACEBOOK" PAGE.

WHAT'S "FACEBOOK"?

THIS GREAT SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE. IT LETS YOU STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE AND FIND OLD FRIENDS. AND IT HELPS THEM FIND YOU.

LET'S HOPE IT FAILS.

Yo, Ebony and Ivory... Mind if we talk to you about your ride?
WHAT ABOUT IT?
It's dooming you, Bro... The wives have noticed it and they think you look weak... So word to the wise... Jack that baby way up in the air and put a set of those super huge monster truck tires on it.
I DRIVE A 'PRIUS'.
Shhhhhh. DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE GAME TONIGHT?
IT'S SOLD OUT.
SO? WE'LL JUST GET TICKETS FROM ONE OF THE SCALPERS OUTSIDE THE PARK.
THOSE GUYS? I HATE THEM.. ALWAYS JACKING UP PRICES.. WHAT KIND OF JERK DOES THAT?
Meow.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK... I WANT TO BE COOL, NOT UNCOOL, WHICH IS WHAT I AM.
WEARING A 'FONZIE' MASK DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL.
OH, I KNOW... IT'S JUST STEP ONE ON MY ROAD TO COOLNESS.
WHAT'S STEP TWO?
HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY