Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We bury mines. If you walk in yard, you esplode.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY’RE BURIED?
Ah. Gud idea. Larry, go in house. Make map.
BOOM
No go dat way.

HERE, UH, ONE LAST THING... AS PART OF THE JOB, WE GIVE YOU A COMPANY CAR.
SWEET, PHIL... WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER? THAT SAVES ME FROM HAVING TO TAKE THE STUPID BUS TO WORK.
YEAH... I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED IT... I'LL HAVE IT BROUGHT OVER AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT...
I'M NOT PLEASED, PHIL.

DUDE, CHECK OUT THIS JOB LISTING... FLOOR MANAGER, LARGE PARTY SUPPLY STORE... TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR... INTERVIEWS BEING HELD TODAY...
HOLY SMOKES... INCLUDES HEALTH COVERAGE AND THREE WEEKS VACATION? IS THERE A CATCH?
NO, DUDE. NO CATCH. WISH ME LUCK...
THERE'S A CATCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M COMING TO GRIPS WITH MY OWN TRANSIENCE BY DRAWING IN THE SAND.
AS SOON AS I FINISH, A WAVE WIPES IT OUT.
THIS HELPS ME COME TO TERMS WITH MY OWN MORTALITY, BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I DO...
...I SEE IT WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN IN TIME.
AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?
OF COURSE I AM...IT'S THE NATURE OF LIFE. YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS TALKING TO ANDY, THAT LITTLE DOG ACROSS THE STREET. BOY, DOES HE HAVE BIG PLANS... HE'S GONNA BACKPACK THROUGH ITALY, SAFARI IN KENYA AND SIP TEA IN SHANGHAI.
DUDE... IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE DREAMS... IT'S ANOTHER TO BE DELUSIONAL.
WHAT'S SO DELUSIONAL ABOUT WANTING TO SEE THE WORLD?

...YEAH, DUDE, IT'S ME...I'M AT THE MOVIES...HUH?...YEAH. SWEET...NO...PRETTY DUMB...HUH?...YOU CUT OUT...YEAH...WANNA HOOK UP AFTER OR—
WHAM!
IT SURE BEATS ASKING POLITELY.

Duude.. Bad news..
The wife saw you eating nonfat blueberry yogurt.
You may be hosed.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH EATING YOGURT?
Uh.. Not a guy food, bro..
Now she thinks you’re weak.
An easy mark. And if…
Uhh, dude… What’s that
sticker on your book say?
‘OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB.’ WHY?
Oh, dear God.

MAYOR, THERE'S BEEN A RUMOR THAT YOU'VE PLACED RECORDING DEVICES THROUGHOUT OUR OFFICES.
WHY THAT'S ABSURD!
WHY THAT'S ABSURD!
MUST BE AN ECHO.

GOOD MORNING, MR. MAYOR.
GOOD MORNING, MR. CITY ATTORNEY. LISTEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO START SPYING ON OUR ENEMIES. WIRETAP THEIR OFFICES. THAT SORTA THING.
SIR, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THE BEST THING TO—
PLEASE. I KNOW HOW TO GOVERN. I BOUGHT A BOOK ON IT. I'M DOING WHATEVER THIS GUY DID.
SIR, THAT'S "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
NOW, WHAT IS THIS "WATERGATE HOTEL" AND WHY DO I NEED TO BREAK INTO IT?

HEY, ZEBRA, WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" WITH ME?
 
I'D LOVE TO, PIG, BUT NIGHT TIME IS WHEN THE WIVES OF THE LIONS NEXT DOOR DO THEIR HUNTING.
 
WELL, YOU CAN'T STAY HOME EVERY NIGHT, ZEBRA.
 
I KNOW. AND I REALLY WANT TO COME OVER. OHH... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...
 
Go for it.
 
Seize the day.
 
Hermit... Loner.

HEY SIR. HAVE YOU DECIDED ON WHAT YOU'D LIKE THIS EVENING?
WHAT YOU GOT, MEESTER BOW TIE MAN?
WELL, IF YOU'LL JUST LOOK AT THE MENU, SIR, YOU'LL SEE SOME WONDERFUL DISH-
OH PEEESE. FISH FOR LOZERS. SHUT MOUF.
UH ... SIR, THERE'S REALLY NO NEED TO -
RED MEET RED MEET RED MEET
FINE. FINE. SIR ... IF YOU'LL JUST SIT BACK DOWN AND TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MEAT YOU'D LIKE, I CAN -
DIS GUY.
AGAIN SIR, WE ALSO HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS
OHHHH. SO YOU HAVE ATTITUDE PROBBIN TOO, HUH?
CHECK. PLEASE.

THE FOOD IN THIS PLACE IS REALLY GOING DOWNHILL.
WELL, NEEDLESS TO SAY...
NEEDLESS TO SAY WHAT?
IT WAS NEEDLESS TO SAY.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
HEY, I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT IF IT'S NEEDLESS.

Duuude... Bad news... The wife spotted you coming home last night. You were wearing a fanny pack. You're doomed.
WHY AM I DOOMED?
Fanny packs show weakness. It's just one of those unspoken rules.
BUT I GOT IT DURING A RICK STEVES' PBS PLEDGE BREAK.
Ooooh. That didn't help.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? "THE REAL WORLD" IS ON.
NONE OF OUR USUAL CHANNELS ARE COMING IN. ALL I GET IS THIS SPECIAL CALLED "THE GLORY OF WATERFOWL."
WHAT KIND OF MORON NIXES "THE REAL WORLD" FOR THIS??!!
DUCK PROPAGANDA: THE KEY TO GOOD GOVERNANCE.

DUUUDE... GOOD NEWS... THE WIFE KILLED THAT BIG, FAT ANTELOPE ON 3RD STREET... WE'VE GOT ENOUGH FOOD FOR A WEEK... HIGH FIVE, BRO, YOU'RE SAFE.
SHE KILLED GEORGE? WE'VE BEEN CLOSE FRIENDS FOR SIXTEEN YEARS! HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!
IF YOU WANT, WE CAN SKIP THE HIGH FIVE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. MAYOR.
GOOD MORNING, MISS CITY CLERK. HOW ARE THINGS?
NOT SO GOOD, SIR. THE CITY COUNCIL WANTS TO WIPE OUT SOME OF THE EMERGENCY MEASURES YOU EVOKED.
FINE. EVUMINATE THEM.
THE LAWS?
THE CITY COUNCIL.
SIR...
HERE. HIDE THIS IN YOUR SWEATER.

DIDN'T YOUR GUARD DUCK BECOME MAYOR OF THE TOWN IN A BIG COUP LAST NOVEMBER?
YEAH. WHY?
IT SAYS HERE THAT NONE OF THE CITY'S BUSINESS IS GETTING DONE.
WELL, I'M SURE HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING.
NOT BIG ENOUGH.

Dear Zebra,
We are your new neighbors, Max and Zach.
Do not fear us.
We will not hunt you.
We will not kill you.
Why is that, you ask?
Because as any casual "Animal Planet" viewer can tell you, it's the female lions that do the hunting and killing.
We just devour your remains.
Don't take it personal.

WHAT NOW, RAT?
I AM GIGANTOBRAIN, MAN OF INFINITE WISDOM. MAN WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING. ASK ME ANYTHING. ANYTHING.
WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GO TO NUDE BEACHES THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE NUDE?
I HAVE MY LIMITATIONS, YOU KNOW.

DING DONG
DING DONG
AAAAHHHHHHH
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE FRUIT BASKET.

I'M GETTING NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS TODAY.
THE CROCS ARE LEAVING?
NO, IT'S THE OLD COUPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME... THEY'RE MOVING OUT. I JUST HOPE THE NEW NEIGHBORS ARE FRIENDLY.
DIBS ON THE STRIPED ONE.

I JUST WROTE A BOOK OF HUMOROUS STORIES. IT'S COMEDY GOLD.
HAVE YOU SHOWN IT TO ANYONE?
YES, I SHOWED IT TO SOME OF THE CUSTOMERS AT THE CAFE. THEY WERE FALLING OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS.
SO THEY LIKED IT?
NO, WHICH IS WHY I WAS PUSHING THEM OFF OF THEIR CHAIRS.
NEVER MIND.
HUMORLESS MORONS.

PIGITA, YOU'RE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND, BUT SOMETIMES YOU'RE A LITTLE MOODY.
I'M SORRY, PIGGY WIGGY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY.
I'LL BE SORRY IF I WANT TO BE SORRY.
SIGH

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
EVERYTHING'S BEEN GOING WRONG FOR ME LATELY.
WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "IF LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS..."
"HURL THEM AT THE @#@#% WHO GAVE THEM TO YOU!!"
NO.
SHOVE 'EM DOWN HIS THROAT?
PUSH 'EM UP HIS NOSE?
OH, C'MON... I GOTTA BE CLOSE.

BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DADADUH DAA
BA DA DA DUH DA DA DA DA DUH DA DA DA DA DUH H H
BUH
DA
DA
DA DADUH
THAT'S GREAT! IT STARTS WITH AN
EARTHQUAKE, BIRDS AND SNAKES,
AN AEROPLANE! AND LENNY BRUCE
IS NOT AFRAID! EYE OF A HURRICANE,
LISTEN TO YOURSELF TURN,
WORLD SERVES ITS OWN NEEDS,
DON'T MISS SERVE YOUR OWN NEEDS!
DADADA DAAA DADADAMA DA DADADA DADA DAAA
DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DADAAA
BAAAAAHHHHH BABA BUH BA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DUH DUH
DUH...
DA!
BADADADA DUH DAH BADADADA DUH BA BADADADADA
DA DA DA DA DA DA DADADADADADA
DADADADADA DA DUH DUH DAH
DUH
LEONARD
BERNSTEIN!!
DUH DA DA DUH DUH
DUH...
greatest...
song... EVER.
AND WE
ONLY KNOW TWO
WORDS.