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WHERE'S ALL THE TOFU I BOUGHT, MOM?
WHAT IS MOM?
OH, SON, I WAS HOPING TO WAIT AND TELL YOU THIS WHEN YOU WERE OLDER
WHAT IS IT? AM I ADOPTED? ARE YOU AND DAD SPLITTING UP?
WORSE, SON. YOUR FATHER BELIEVES IN THE TOFU COW
THE WHAT?
SON, YOUR FATHER BELIEVES THAT TOFU IS A MEAT THAT COMES FROM THE MIGHTY TOFU COW. IF YOU PUT TOFU OUT, HE WILL SCULPT IT INTO A TOFU COW, PUT IT OUTSIDE AND CONVINCE HIMSELF IT'S REAL.
WHY, MOTHER? WHY?
BECAUSE HE THINKS IF HE BELIEVES IN THE TOFU BEING FUN, AND WHEN HE CATCHES IT, HE FEELS PROUD.
CATCHES IT...? MOTHER, TELL ME MY DAD DOESN'T HUNT-
WOE TO DA TOFU COW!!
NO NO NO NO NO
DON'T LOOK, SON...DON'T LOOK.

SO WHY'D YOUR CREATOR QUIT?
WELL, HE SAYS IN THE PRESS RELEASE, "I WANT TO PURSUE OTHER INTERESTS AND EXPLORE OTHER MEDIA PLATFORMS."
"BLAH BLAH BLAH I WANT TO PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES."
HE'S NOT EVEN HIDING IT!

SO WE'VE GOT A HOMELESS COMIC STRIP FAMILY ON OUR LAWN.
YEAH. THEY'RE FROM "FUXXTROT".
"PERAL'S CREATOR
STEPHAN PASTIS"
YEAH. I KNOW THEM. I READ THEM IN THE PAPER. THOSE WERE POPULAR CHARACTERS.
"FUNTROT", HUH?
VERY.
AND NOW THEY'RE OUT OF WORK, PENNILESS, ALL BECAUSE THEIR CREATOR QUIT.
WOW.
WOW IS RIGHT. AS A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER THAT'S OPENLY CONTEMPTUOUS OF YOUR CREATOR, WHAT'S THAT MAKE YOU THINK?
WOW.
THAT THERE'S NO LONGER A REASON TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE PAPER?
NO.
THAT ONLY THE GOOD CARTOONISTS QUIT?
FORGET IT.

THOSE STUPID HOMELESS GUYS ARE BACK ON OUR LAWN... I'M GONNA KICK 'EM OFF.
BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULD STAY.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
I FELT BAD FOR THEM. THEIR BOSS JUST UP AND QUIT ON THEM... NO SEVERANCE PAY, NO NOTHIN'. ALL HE OFFERED THEM WAS SOME PART-TIME WORK ON THE WEEKENDS.
WE'RE PRETTY PEEVED.

HEY THERE, GOAT... THIS IS MY NEW DOG, 'MANIC DEPRESSIVE BARBINA'... YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE HER RIGHT NOW... SHE'S GOING THROUGH ONE OF HER LOW PHASES.
'MANIC DEPRESSIVE BARBINA'?... WHAT THE?... HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHEN SHE'S--
I'M SORRY... CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?
PLEASE STOP PAINTING YOUR MALIBU BEACH HOUSE BLACK.

SIR, WE'VE GOT A SITUATION, SIR. A COMPANY OF UNIFORMED COMBATANTS IS ATTEMPTING TO EXTORT FUNDS... REQUEST PERMISSION TO ENGAGE, SIR.
FOR SHAME, SIR.

HEY DAD. WOULD
YOU MIND READ-
ING ME SOME
NURSERY
RHYMES?
Sure
ting,
son.
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick...
Kill dat man
He make me sick.
PLEASE
DON’T
CHANGE
THE
WORDS.
But dis
Jack
very
annoying.

HEY THERE, RAY. I HEARD YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HUGH GOT JOBS AT THAT NEW FAST FOOD PLACE DOWN TOWN... HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD, PIG. OUR BOSS WANTS THE TWO OF US TO KEEP A COUNT OF HOW MANY CUSTOMERS WE SERVE PER HOUR. THE HIGHER OUR COMBINED TOTAL, THE HIGHER OUR BONUS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WELL, MY COUNT'S REAL HIGH, BUT HUGH IS SUPER SLOW, SO IT USES UP OUR BONUS.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT CAN I DO? I WANT THAT NEW JAG I HAD MY EYE ON AND ALL THE BONUS, SO I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO JUST DOUBLE MY CUSTOMER COUNT.
THAT'S ASKING TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF, RAY.
HOW DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN COUNT, RAY, AND CAN COUNT FOR HUGH... ASK WHAT HUGH CAN DO FOR YOU.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

OUR CARTOONIST, STEPHAN PASTIS, IS SICK TODAY, SO HE ASKED US TO JUST LOOK THROUGH HIS JOKE FILE AND PICK A JOKE TO READ.
HOW 'BOUT THAT ONE?
OKAY...UH..."HEY, DID YOU HEAR THERE WAS A FIRE AT THE USED CLOTHING STORE AND TWO PEOPLE DIED IN THE BUILDING NEXT DOOR?"
"NO... HOW'D THEY DIE?"
"SECONDHAND SMOKE."
LET'S KEEP LOOKING.
LET'S.

HAHAHA... YEAH... AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH AND SHE'S LIKE, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
ANYHOOOO... I BETTER GET GOING... GOTTA GET MY MORNING CAFFIENE RUSH. HEH HEH HEH. YOU TAKE CARE NOW. BYE NOW.
HI, GIVE ME A—
PIG? WHAZZUUUP!? IT'S ME, RAT... OH, NOTHING... JUST WAITING ON SOME LARDBUTT WHO WOULDN'T GET OFF HIS @#%! CELL PHONE...
WILL YOU PLEASE—
YEAH, HE'S STILL STANDING THERE... WHO KNOWS WHY...? MAYBE THE LARDBUTT THINKS HE'S GETTING COFFEE... ANYHOOOO...

I'M LEAVING YOU, PIG.

WHY?

YOU'RE A WIMP. I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO'S THE TOUGH, OUTDOORSY TYPE. I WANT A MANLY MAN.

BUT THAT'S ME.

PROVE IT.

Dear Maura,
It is Valentine’s Day.
And I miss you.
From now on, I will only become attached to things that cannot migrate.
*Squeeze*
I just hugged my beer can.

I GOT A BOX OF CANDY HEARTS FROM A SECRET ADMIRER... YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH WORDS PRINTED ON THEM?
OH, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC. READ ME ONE.
"Be my fud."
Someone no like his seecret mireer.
Dat guy break my heart.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THOSE ROLLS OF QUARTERS?
SUPERMARKET. I HAVE TO DO OUR WEEKLY SHOPPING.
WHY DO YOU NEED TO PAY WITH CHANGE? THERE'S A TWENTY SITTING ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
NO REASON.

HEY. LISTEN TO THIS RIDDLE I JUST READ.
OHH, GOODIE. I’M GREAT AT RIDDLES.
A MAN HAS A FOX, A CHICKEN, AND SOME CORN. HE HAS TO TAKE THEM ALL ACROSS A RIVER. HE CAN ONLY TAKE ONE OF THE ITEMS AT A TIME IN HIS BOAT.
HOWEVER, IF HE LEAVES THE FOX ALONE WITH THE CHICKEN, THE FOX WILL EAT THE CHICKEN. IF HE LEAVES THE CHICKEN ALONE WITH THE CORN, THE CHICKEN WILL EAT THE CORN.
WHAT SHOULD HE DO?
BUY A BIGGER BOAT.
IT’S NOT THAT HARD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

DAD, DO YOU EVER THINK THAT THE KILLING OF ANOTHER LIVING THING IS IMMORAL ... THAT MAYBE THE DESTRUCTION OF A ZEBRA, EVEN FOR SUSTENANCE, IS A SIN ?
Leesten, son...You juss reemembah one ting.
Every time a zeeba die, an angel get his wings.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW IT GOES, DAD.
Ees a wunnerful life, son.

ISN'T IT ODD THAT WE ALL HAVE TO ACT LIKE WE LIVE NORMAL LIVES WHEN IN TRUTH WE ALL KNOW THAT ONE DAY HUMANITY WILL MOST LIKELY BLOW ITSELF UP? I MEAN, AREN'T WE ALL JUST WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD?
NOT ME.
WHY NOT YOU?
I CAN'T WHISTLE.
... MAYBE YOUR PESSIMISM'S NOT SUCH A BAD THING.
AND IF I COULD WHISTLE, I SURE WOULDN'T WASTE IT ON ENTERTAINING THE DEAD. THEY, LIKE, ALMOST NEVER APPLAUD.

THIS PAINTING REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE HE'S A SAD, LONELY FOOL AND I PITY HIM.
AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE FRAME.

HALLMARK™ HEADQUARTERS: ANNIVERSARY CARD WRITING DIVISION
ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. WE WANT TO AVOID TRITE SUPERFICIALITY WITH THESE CARDS... GIVE US SOMETHING HEARTFELT... SOMETHING HONEST...
Happy anniversery. You big fat pain in butt.
TOO MUCH.

WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA GO… WHAT DO WE OWE?
WELL, LET'S SEE…YOU OWE…UH…WELL, I OWE…
AWWW, HECK…I'M NO GOOD AT MATH…LET'S JUST SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.
I HAD COFFEE.
YOU HAD LOBSTER.
SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO BE NO GOOD AT MATH.

DID YOU HEAR ONE OF THE CROCS MOVED TO KANSAS CITY?
KANSAS CITY? WHY KANSAS CITY?
HE GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR HAU-MARK.
WHAT'S A PREDATOR KNOW ABOUT COMFORTING SOMEONE WHO'S JUST LOST A FAMILY MEMBER?
NOW DERE MORE FOOD FOR DA REST OF YOU.
Dat very comforteeng.

It was love. White hot and fierce.
Betty sat alone by the wind-swept airfield.
She was sad.
She was lonely.
She came here to dream.
To watch the planes land.
To imagine the distant lovers reunited by these giant graceful birds of steel.
A stranger approached.
"I am Bob," he said.
He was tall and tan with muscular arms.
Their eyes met. They kissed. They kissed.
A dirigible floated just overhead.
"That is a lie for you," Bob said.
"Large, steady, and true."
Betty kissed Bob.
Bob kissed Betty.
And the Hindenburg exploded.
PLEASE STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
"This really kills the mood," Hindenburg said.

GREETINGS, MY SON... WELCOME TO "RAT'S ENLIGHTEMENT CENTER FOR THE LIFTING OF SPIRITS"...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
YOU GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS. I TAKE YOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. SPIRITS ARE LIFTED.
WHOSE SPIRITS ARE LIFTED?
YOU MAY NOT BE READY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
CEREAL.
'DUMPIES'?
IT'S FOR FAT GUYS LIKE ME WHO STINK AT SPORTS AND DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
IT'S THE 'BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.'

OKAAAY, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... YOU BAD NEIGHBA... LEESTEN TO LEEST OF GREVIANCE...
"ZEEBA'S STOOPID FEEG TREE DROP FEEG ON CROC DRIVEWAY..."
MY FIG TREE?? YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FIG TREE?? OKAY, I'VE GOT A GRIEVANCE. MY NEIGHBORS TRY TO KILL ME SO THEY CAN EAT MY HEAD!
WE REALLY REALLY NO LIKE FEEG TREE.