Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOKS LIKE THAT ONE FAT SUMO SQUIRREL IS JUST DOMINATING THE COMPETITION... HE CAN'T EVEN FIND ANYONE FAT ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM A GOOD MATCH...
UH... LOOKS LIKE HE FOUND SOMEONE.
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.

WELL, HELLO, I'M SUMO SQUIRREL... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
NO, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TRADITIONAL FOR SUMO WRESTLERS TO THROW SALT BEFORE A MATCH AND THAT YOU HAD RUN OUT OF SALT.
WELL, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY SALT, BUT I CAN CHECK IN THE KITCHEN AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND.
WHY IS THAT SQUIRREL THROWING MY LEFTOVER RAVIOLI ON THE LAWN?
DO ALL YOUR SQUIRRELS WEAR JOCK STRAPS?

GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT SUMO SQUIRRELS AGAIN.
BONZAI!
RRRRRRRGG

IF ONE MORE TALKING HEAD ON
FOX, CNN OR MSNBC BEGINS
THEIR SENTENCE WITH THE WORD
"LOOK," I AM GOING TO DRIVE
TO THE STUDIO AND BEAT
THEM WITH A FROZEN HAM.
LOOK, THE SITUATION
IS AS FOLLOWS...
I'LL BE BACK.

RAT WENT GREEK DANCING.
GEE, I LOVE GREEK DANCING, BUT SINCE WHEN DOES RAT WANT TO HOLD HANDS WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND GO AROUND IN CIRCLES?
OHHH, THAT’S NOT WHY HE GOES.
THEN WHY’S HE GO?
MIND SAVING SOMETHING FOR US TO EAT ON?

HEY, RAT... DID YOU BREAK MY COFFEE MUG?
NO. I JUST BUMPED IT WITH MY ELBOW.
WHILE THE FORCE OF MY ELBOW DID INDEED MOVE IT FROM ITS POSITION OF REST AND TOWARD THE EDGE OF THE COUNTER, IT WAS GRAVITY THAT TOOK OVER AT THAT POINT AND SUCKED IT TOWARD THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH.
SORRY FOR BLAMING YOU.
NO PROBLEMO.

THE UNSUSPECTING ZEBRA APPROACHES THE WATERING HOLE...
HE TAKES A DRINK...HE DOES NOT SEE THE CROCODILE LURKING JUST BENEATH THE SURFACE...
THE CROC STRIKES.
AND THE ZEBRA...
IS NO MORE.
WOOHOOHOOHOOOO!
SO WHEN DO YOU GET YOUR DRAPES BACK FROM THE DRY CLEANERS?
NOT SOON ENOUGH.
WE NUMBA ONE! WE NUMBA ONE!

I'M THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOMEN FIND REALLY ATTRACTIVE.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH, BUT THEN I THINK I DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME SEEM LESS ATTRACTIVE.
LIKE WHAT?
I TALK.
THEY'RE SO JUDGMENTAL.

LOOK, RAT, IT'S TIMMY THE OWL. HE'S THE NEWEST CHARACTER IN OUR STRIP.
DUDE, OWLS ARE NOCTURNAL. WHILE WE'RE UP WORKING AND TELLING JOKES, HE'LL BE FAST ASLEEP ... HE'S USELESS ... LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
TWO DRUNK RABBIS WALK INTO A BAR.

WHAT'S THAT STUCK TO YOUR HAND?
A POST-IT TELLING ME TO LOOK AT MY WALLET.
WHAT'S ON YOUR WALLET?
A POST-IT REMINDING ME TO CHECK MY COMPUTER MONITOR.
WHAT'S ON YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR?
A POST-IT TELLING ME NOT TO MISS MY ONE O'CLOCK DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.
YOUR APPOINTMENT WAS TWO HOURS AGO.
YOU COULD HAVE REMINDED ME.

EXCUSE ME, PIG. BUT DID YOU EAT MY LAST BAG OF CHEESE POOFS?
OH, YEAH. SORRY. I REALLY LOVE CHEESE POOFS.
LISTEN, PIG, YOU KNOW WE'RE FRIENDS.
RIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW I'D GO TO BAT FOR YOU.
RIGHT.
THEN YOU SHOULD BE EXPECTING THAT...
...I'VE NEVER LIKED BASEBALL.

I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, DAD... CAN YOU TELL ME A BEDTIME STORY?
SURE ME CAN, SON.
ONCE UPON TIME, DERE WAS GIRL NAMED GOLDIBLOCKS.
BEAR KEEL HER.
SWEET DREAMS, MY BABY BOY.
NOT LIKELY, POPS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M PORING OVER PHYSICS BOOKS IN AN ATTEMPT TO UNIFY GENERAL RELATIVITY AND QUANTUM MECHANICS INTO ONE UNIFIED THEORY THAT GOVERNS OUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
THIS.
Beer is good.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT SIMPLE.

SO, PIGITA... HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS NEW RESTAURANT?
FINE, PIG, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I NO LONGER WANT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT?? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BOY, PIG, AND I WANT A MAN. SOMEONE WHO'S ESTABLISHED. SOMEONE WHO'S CONNECTED. SOMEONE WHO'S RESPECTED.
I'M ESTABLISHED! I'M CONNECTED! I'M RESPECTED!

PACK OF CRAYONS?
THAT DIDN'T HELP.

OHH, BRITNEY, THE REHAB CENTER FOUND OUT I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM! THEY'RE KICKING ME OUT! I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
I'LL MISS YOU TOO, PIG!
YOU REALLY NEED TO START WEARING UNDERPANTS.

THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE HERE.
YEAH. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WRONG NOW, YOU CHECK INTO REHAB. IT'S DAMAGE CONTROL.
WOW. YOU'RE NOT KIDDING. THAT'S THAT MOVIE STAR...
...AND THAT'S THAT RADIO SHOW HOST...
...HEY. AND THERE'S MY MAYOR...
...AND THAT'S MY CONGRESSMAN....
MAYBE IT'D BE QUICKER TO LIST THE PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T IN HERE.
WELL, THERE'S
...
...BUT SHE
SHOULD BE.

You ready, Pig?
I think so.
Then let's do it.
BAH DUM DUM...
OH! BABY BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOOOOOOW...
Better?
A little.

Dear Mother,
Hi, I am on vacation. It is a great resort!
The only bad thing is that they make you drink beer to get in here. But I did it and now I'm in!
Oh well... I gotta go. I met a new friend and we're gonna play frisbee together.
YOU READY, BRITNEY?
SURE AM, PIG.

To the most bootiful
woomun I ever seen…
Best. Vacashun. Ever.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
SHINY HAPPY NEW BEGINNINGS... IT'S A RANCH OFFERING "A WARM, FRIENDLY, SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT CLOSE TO NATURE."
PIG... THIS IS REHAB... IT'S ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO DRINK A LOT.
Well this is a silly requirement.

I WAS IN THE BOOKSTORE TODAY. I NOTICED THEY HAD TWELVE OF THE LATEST "GET FUZZY" BOOK, BUT ONLY TEN OF YOUR NEWEST "PEARLS" BOOK.
GOOD FOR "FUZZY".
DOES IT HURT YOU TO KNOW THAT DARBY CONLEY IS TWENTY PERCENT MORE POPULAR THAN YOU?
PLEASE GO AWAY.
AFTER ALL, IF THIS WERE AN ELECTION, THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED A GIANT ### LANDSIDE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE GOT PIG ON THE COVER OF YOUR BOOK. WHO LIKES STUPID PIGS? NO ONE! CATS ARE WHAT THE COUNTRY DEMANDS. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!
I DON'T HAVE A STUPID CAT IN MY COMIC, OKAY?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRAW ONE!!!
AND THAT'S WHERE I, "BUCKY, THE GUARDIGUANO ATTORNEY", COME IN.

HEY, PIG, LOOK, I GOT YOU THE NEW "WAKE UP WITH HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE" ALARM CLOCK.
WOW! "HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE"! THAT'S GREAT! LET ME TRY THE ALARM HERE...
RISE AND SHINE, FATTY!! ANOTHER @#$%*#* DAY AWAITS!!
THE PACKAGING'S A BIT MISLEADING.

HUH, SWEETCHEEKS. I'M HERE FOR WORK AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY FLak FOR BEING TWO HOURS LATE. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU'RE FIRED, RAT.
OH, SHOVE IT IN YOUR EAR, GARY. YOU'VE GOT A POLICY OF CORPORATE DIVERSITY AND I'M YOUR ONLY RAT.
IS THAT SO, SWEETCHEEKS?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE FEEDER MICE?
DEY PUNCH ME IN HEAD.
CAN WE CLEAN THE BATHROOMS AGAIN, MR. GARY? PLEEEEEAAASE.

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. BAD NEWS, SIR... THE JOHNSONS GOT A NEW LEXUS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
A LOT, SIR. I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL POOR AND UNWORTHY.
MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE THE CAR.
WISH WE'D SPOKEN SOONER, SIR.

WELCOME, SIR. IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE AND A PLEASURE TO WORK FOR YOUR COMPANY.
THANK YOU...AND HOW IS OUR TEAM OF HAPPY JOE'S ROASTERY EMPLOYEES DOING?
FIGHT THE POWER.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
VIVA LA RAY-VOLUTION!