Pearls Before Swine | Search

*Yawn*
OH, BOY... WHAT A MORNING.
ARE YOU UP YET, QWE?
Please don't hate me for not waking you. I knew it was my one chance to be free and I couldn't bear to see you cry.
My only consolation is in knowing that you can be so happy even while attached to a chain... I love you.
Dear Andy, My chain broke during the night. I didn't know how it happened. It just snapped.

ANDY! I THINK I DISCOVERED SOMETHING. YOU HAVE BIG LIPS! IF YOU PUFF THEM OUT FAR ENOUGH, WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO KISS!
KISS? OH BOY! LET'S TRY!
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
WHOA. IT'S MICK JAGGER ON A DOG CHAIN.

LOOK, GUARD DUCK! I WAS PANESWALK- ING AND DECIDED TO STAND ON TOP OF THE PANEL!
YOU MUSTN’T DO THAT! IF YOU FALL, YOU DIE!
OH, BUT IT’S REAL LEVEL UP HERE, AND BESIDES, ALL THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS ARE DOING IT NOW!
THAT’S MADNESS! NOT ALL COMIC STRIP PANELS ARE SHAPED LIKE YOURS! IF ONE OF THEIR CHARACTERS TRIED IT, THEY COULD SLIP AND–
“Hasta la vista, Jeffy.”

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, GUARD DUCK... YOU'VE TAUGHT ME HOW TO PANEWALK... I'M DEFYING COMIC STRIP GRAVITY THROUGH MIND CONTROL..
YES, AND IF YOU CAN DO THAT WITH YOUR OWN BODY, YOU CAN SOON LEARN TO DO THE SAME WITH OTHER OBJECTS. BUT BE CAREFUL... IT IS AN EXTRAORDINARY POWER THAT ONE SHOULD USE FOR ONLY THE MOST CRITICAL OF TASKS.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE RAIDING THE REFRIGERATOR.

HEY, LITTLE
GUARD DUCK...
WHATCHA
DOING?
I HAVE BECOME
A MEMBER OF
THE ORDER OF
PANEWALKERS.
I WANT TO BE
ABLE TO
DO THAT.
I CAN TEACH YOU.
BUT IT'S QUITE HARD.
YOU MUST FIRST BE
ABLE TO CLEAR YOUR
MIND OF ALL IDEAS,
ALL THOUGHTS, ALL
CEREBRAL ACTIVITY.
WHAT'S
THE HARD
PART?

WHO'S AT THE DOOR, FRED?
THAT STUPID ARMY DUCK FROM NEXT DOOR...THE ONE THAT'S ALWAYS ON ME ABOUT NOT CUTTING OUR LAWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA OPEN THE DOOR AND DROP KICK THAT LITTLE WATERFOWL CLEAR ACROSS THE STREET.
NEVER MESS WITH A PANELWALKING DUCK, FRED.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
LIVING IN THE FUNNIES! IT’S THE MAGAZINE FOR TODAY’S COMIC STRIP CHARACTER… HAS AN INTERESTING ARTICLE ON ‘PANEL-WALKING.’
WHAT THE HECK IS PANEL-WALKING?
IT SAYS THAT THROUGH SHEER, ZEN-LIKE FOCUS, A DISCIPLINED COMIC STRIP CHARACTER CAN TEACH HIMSELF TO WALK ALONG ANY FOUR SIDES OF A COMIC STRIP PANEL!
LET’S SEE MARY WORTH DO THIS.

I'M THINKING OF GETTING ONE OF THOSE 'TIVO' THINGS.
SO GET ONE.
I'M WORRIED I WON'T KNOW HOW TO SET IT UP.
DUDE, IT'S EASY... LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.
TOUCH IT AND YOU DIE, FAT MAN.
I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT EXPRESSION.
WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU STARING AT?

I HEARD YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR CONCIERGE JOB.
YEAH. I DID NOTHING TO STOP THE CROCS FROM EATING A CONFERENCE OF BLIND MICE. PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT IT WAS ENTERTAINING.
DID THEY GET SOMEONE TO REPLACE YOU?
THEY SAID THEY DID, BUT I DOUBT IT... A GOOD CONCIERGE CAN GET THINGS DONE -- SORTED THINGS -- OFTEN IN THE DARK OF NIGHT. WHO BUT ME CAN DO THAT?
MEOW.

OKAY, GUYS, DUE TO THE CROCS LOOSE IN THE HOTEL, WE'RE GONNA BE HOLED UP IN THIS HOTEL ROOM FOR AWHILE, WHICH MEANS WE NEED SUPPLIES... SO I'VE SENT MELVIN DOWN THE HALL TO GET SOME ICE.
AAAAAAAAH
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
SO MUCH FOR MY ICY COLD BEVERAGE.

AT THE MOLE CONVENTION...
GENTLEMEN, WE’RE MEETING IN MY HOTEL ROOM BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME CROCS IN THE HOTEL TRYING TO EAT US. HOW THEY GOT WORD WE WERE STAYING AT THIS HOTEL, I DON’T KNOW...
PERHAPS WE HAVE A MOLE.
I'VE WAITED TEN YEARS TO USE THAT JOKE.

Hullo... Welcome to Eetzazeeb Corporate Retreet... Today we have semeenar.
First semeenar titled 'Dere ees moles een Conference Room B. Dey ees blind, and we should eet dem.'
WE SHOULD ADJOURN.

HI. WE'RE THE MOLES. WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE CONFERENCE ROOM THAT HAS OUR SEMINAR: "LIVING ABOVEGROUND: A SUNNY ALTERNATIVE OR TOO BLIND TO SURVIVE?"
Tank you, Bejeezeus.

HEADS UP TODAY, RAT. WE'VE GOT SOME CORPORATION HERE FOR THEIR RETREAT, AND F.Y.I., I HEAR THEY'RE A LITTLE STRANGE...
STRANGE HOW?
Wheech way sweeming pool?

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Dis is Larry. He is sad orphan baby. Maybe you geev heem home as part of our Adotp-A-Croc program.
THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A BABY. YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET A CROC INTO MY HOUSE.
Oh, zeeba... No say tings like dat. You hoit Larry feeling.
Shhhhh, Larry... He no mean it. He know you a baby. Here, show heem, Larry, how beeg baby boiplfroceem.
GLUG GLUG GLUG
UUUUUURPP
Dat not right bottle, Larry.
But dis one take me to happy place, Bob.

OKAY, SNUFFLES. I'M LETTING YOU OUT OF YOUR CAGE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'VE TOLD ME ALL THE BAD CAT THINGS YOU'VE BEEN DOING AT NIGHT AND PROMISED NEVER TO DO THEM AGAIN.
SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE HIDING, LIKE ANY MORE W.M.D.'S OR VIDEOS YOU MADE IN CAVES, I NEED TO KNOW NOW.
Meow.
Curse you, backstabbing kitty.

HEY THERE, FELLA, CUTE CAT... WHY YOU GOT HIM IN A CAGE?
OH. HE'S BEEN BAD.
YEAH, I HAD A BAD CAT ONCE... RIPPED UP ONE OF THE LEGS ON OUR COUCH... WHAT DID YOUR LI'L GUY DO?
SOLD NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY TO THE SYRIANS.
BAD KITTY.

Who is it?
LARRY, IT'S ME, PATTY...I'VE DECIDED TO COME BACK HOME. JUNIOR MISSES YOU AND YOUR BROTHER TELLS ME YOU'VE FALLEN APART. HE SAYS YOU'RE SCARED AND YOU'RE BUILDING FORTS OUT OF EMPTY K.F.C BUCKETS.
Dat beeg lie.
FINE, LARRY...I BELIEVE YOU... JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN BEGIN ANEW.
Geev me meenute.

Hullo. My wife leave me... Say she come back if me get job keeling zeeba... Peese geev job.
Okay. But first we is ask question... Is you qvaleefied?
Whoa. Me no expek pop quiz.
Mebbe ansuer no.

OKAY, SNUFFLES, THE F.B.I. RELEASED ME FROM PRISON ON THE CONDITION THAT I GET A CONFESSION FROM YOU AS TO ALL YOUR MYSTERIOUS NIGHTTIME ACTIVITIES...
NOW I KNOW ABOUT THE ARMS YOU SOLD TO THE SYRIANS AND THE PAKISTANIS, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER INVOLVEMENT WITH THESE GUYS, DO YOU?...
Meow.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU MADE A VIDEO YOU NOW SORT OF REGRET?
Meow to you, great Satan.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE IN JAIL, ZEBRA.
I CAN'T EITHER, PIG... TO THINK THAT MY LIL' CAT, SNUFFLES, HAS BEEN STOCKPILING W.M.D.... SOME OF THE STUFF HE'S HAD FOR FIVE YEARS.
FIVE YEARS? WHERE'D HE EVEN GET IT?
HIDE THESE.

DING DONG
CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR... WE'RE FROM THE F.B.I... YOU'RE UNDER ARREST...
FOR WHAT?
HARBORING TERRORISTS... IT APPEARS A MEMBER OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD HAS BEEN STOCKPILING W.M.D...
WHAT?! I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANOTHER MEMBER OF MY HOUSEHOLD... IT'S JUST ME AND MY LITTLE CAT SNUFFLES.
MEOOOW
I ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE HE WENT AT NIGHT.

EVERY TIME I'M WITH MY MOM, SHE MAKES ME FEEL FAT.
HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?
SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE FAT."
YOU ASK SILLY QUESTIONS.

MORNING, SIR...WE HAD SOME FIRE IN THE GREEN ZONE THIS MORNING, SIR.
THE GREEN ZONE? WHAT'S THE GREEN ZONE?
THE FRONT LAWN, SIR. BUT NO WORRIES, SIR. I SQUEEZED OFF A COUPLE R.P.G.'S AND NEUTRALIZED THE THREAT, SIR.
WHO DID YOU NEUTRALIZE?
Me have had better days.

Hey, Frank...How you like be my new gun instructor? You juss need stand in field, hold dis over head.
Me thought Bob you instructor.
Oh. Bob out on leave.
Leave? How long he on leave?
Pretty long.