Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Zebra,
We are your new neighbors, Max and Zach.
Do not fear us.
We will not hunt you.
We will not kill you.
Why is that, you ask?
Because as any casual "Animal Planet" viewer can tell you, it's the female lions that do the hunting and killing.
We just devour your remains.
Don't take it personal.

WHAT NOW, RAT?
I AM GIGANTOBRAIN, MAN OF INFINITE WISDOM. MAN WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING. ASK ME ANYTHING. ANYTHING.
WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GO TO NUDE BEACHES THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE NUDE?
I HAVE MY LIMITATIONS, YOU KNOW.

DING DONG
DING DONG
AAAAHHHHHHH
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE FRUIT BASKET.

I'M GETTING NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS TODAY.
THE CROCS ARE LEAVING?
NO, IT'S THE OLD COUPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME... THEY'RE MOVING OUT. I JUST HOPE THE NEW NEIGHBORS ARE FRIENDLY.
DIBS ON THE STRIPED ONE.

I JUST WROTE A BOOK OF HUMOROUS STORIES. IT'S COMEDY GOLD.
HAVE YOU SHOWN IT TO ANYONE?
YES, I SHOWED IT TO SOME OF THE CUSTOMERS AT THE CAFE. THEY WERE FALLING OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS.
SO THEY LIKED IT?
NO, WHICH IS WHY I WAS PUSHING THEM OFF OF THEIR CHAIRS.
NEVER MIND.
HUMORLESS MORONS.

PIGITA, YOU'RE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND, BUT SOMETIMES YOU'RE A LITTLE MOODY.
I'M SORRY, PIGGY WIGGY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY.
I'LL BE SORRY IF I WANT TO BE SORRY.
SIGH

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
EVERYTHING'S BEEN GOING WRONG FOR ME LATELY.
WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "IF LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS..."
"HURL THEM AT THE @#@#% WHO GAVE THEM TO YOU!!"
NO.
SHOVE 'EM DOWN HIS THROAT?
PUSH 'EM UP HIS NOSE?
OH, C'MON... I GOTTA BE CLOSE.

BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DA DA DUH
BUH DADADUH DAA
BA DA DA DUH DA DA DA DA DUH DA DA DA DA DUH H H
BUH
DA
DA
DA DADUH
THAT'S GREAT! IT STARTS WITH AN
EARTHQUAKE, BIRDS AND SNAKES,
AN AEROPLANE! AND LENNY BRUCE
IS NOT AFRAID! EYE OF A HURRICANE,
LISTEN TO YOURSELF TURN,
WORLD SERVES ITS OWN NEEDS,
DON'T MISS SERVE YOUR OWN NEEDS!
DADADA DAAA DADADAMA DA DADADA DADA DAAA
DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DADAAA
BAAAAAHHHHH BABA BUH BA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DUH DUH
DUH...
DA!
BADADADA DUH DAH BADADADA DUH BA BADADADADA
DA DA DA DA DA DA DADADADADADA
DADADADADA DA DUH DUH DAH
DUH
LEONARD
BERNSTEIN!!
DUH DA DA DUH DUH
DUH...
greatest...
song... EVER.
AND WE
ONLY KNOW TWO
WORDS.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
IT'S MY NEIGHBORS, THE CROCS... I CAN'T TAKE THEM ANYMORE. I'M THINKING OF HIRING YOUR GUARD DUCK TO TAKE 'EM OUT.
DINNER AND A MOVIE?
PERHAPS I'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF THIS.

... SO IF YOU'RE GONNA BE OUT, BE SURE TO TAKE ALONG A RAINCOAT. IT'LL BE A WET ONE, DAN!
WELL, SO MUCH FOR MY WIFE MAKING ME MOW THE LAWN THIS WEEKEND, HUH, JANE?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA
DO YOU SUPPOSE LOCAL NEWS MAKES MORE SENSE IF YOU'RE LOBOTOMIZED?
HAHAHA HA I LOVE THESE GUYS!

ONE OF THE CROCS GOT A JOB.
HIS EMPLOYER SAID HE HAD A NICE SMILE.
WHAT KIND OF AN EMPLOYER
IS WILLING TO HIRE A TOTAL
MORON JUST BECAUSE THEY
HAVE A NICE SMILE?
Baby cheemp born at zoo.
Feelm at eleven.
CHANNEL 4
Your local news

WE NEED MONEY. GO INVENT SOMETHING.
CHEESE SNEAKERS... FOR THE ATHLETE WHO NEEDS A LITTLE SNACK.
OHH, IF MY HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR COULD SEE ME NOW.

OHHHHHH MAN... I'M SO DOWN TODAY.
AWW... DON'T WORRY, LI'L BUDDY... THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
REALLY?
REALLY.
THEN THEY'LL GET WORSE AGAIN.
OHHHHHHH.
REALISTS NEVER DO MAKE GOOD COMFORTERS.

HEY, RAT...
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, LEON THE CHAMELEON.
SOME CHAMELEON... I CAN SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
THOSE THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BLEND IN WITH THEIR SURROUNDINGS.
OKAY, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

Dad, will you please
read me one of my
Sesame Street books?
They're my favorite.
Sure ting,
sweetie...
"Oscar was grouchy. Ernie
and Bert had borrowed his
basketball and had not
returned eet."
"Geeve me back my basketball,"
said Oscar.
"We can't find eet," said Ernie.
"But dat's my favorite basket-
ball," said Oscar.
"I guess dis ees a
lesson," said Ernie, "If you borrow
someone's tings, you need to
take good care of dem."
Unseatisfied, Oscar tear off
Ernie's head.
Please don't make
up your own
endings, Dad.
Ernie have to
pay price, sam.

WHY MUST LIFE BE FILLED WITH PAIN? WHY MUST IT FOLLOW YOU ALL YOUR DAYS AND OVERTAKE YOU WITH SUCH REGULARITY?
YEAH, WHY CAN'T WE BE FOLLOWED BY A BIG BUCKET OF "FIG NEWTONS" INSTEAD? THEY'RE SO TASTY AND THEY BRING YOU SUCH JOY.
THERE'S THAT PAIN AGAIN.
AND SPEAKING OF REGULARITY...

SEE YA, RAT.
YOU GOING SWIMMING?
NO. WHY?
BECAUSE PEOPLE ONLY WEAR INFLATABLE RAFTS WHEN THEY'RE GOING SWIMMING.
I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE ACCESSORIZING.

RAT AND PIG GET NEW NEIGHBORS, THE DEATHS.
GOSH, MR. DEATH, I SURE AP-PRECIATE YOUR SHOWING ME YOUR NEW HOUSE...
OH, NO PROBLEM, PIG...BUT CALL ME 'DEATH.'
OH, OKAY, I WILL. HEY, EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.
HELLO?
PIG! IT'S ME, RAT. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MOWING THE LAWN! WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M AT DEATH'S DOOR.
NICE TRY.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE THE DEATHS. WE JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR... JUST WANTED TO SAY HIYA.
ARF ARF
HEEEEY, WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME... Y'KNOW, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS, FEEL FREE TO ASK.
WELL, WE DO HAVE ONE.
WHAT'S THAT?
HOW SAFE IS THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

Hulooooo, leetle rat... How is you?
Why do you have a pair of baggy jeans pulled up to your neck?
Baggy jeans cool. Me a rebel. Girls love.
Dude, you look ridiculous. Guys wear their jeans real low now.
OH LAAAAADIES!
I don't want to know... I don't want to know...

HELLO, GOD.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME...
I'M RAT.
YOU SAY ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN...
SO GIVE ME ONE BILLION DOLLARS AND THE LOOKS TO ATTRACT RACHEL MCADAMS.
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
MY FAITH IS WANING.

ANGRY BOB WAS ANGRY.
AGAIN.
"I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM LONELY," SAID ANGRY BOB. "I MUST FIND A WOMAN."
HE WENT TO A BAR. HE SAT ON A BARSTOOL.
HE SAW A CROWD GATHERED AROUND A MAN. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" BOB ASKED THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM.
"THAT'S DANGEROUS DAN," SHE SAID "HE DOES JOBS THAT DANGEROUS FIGHTER" DON'T DARE TO TRY."
"WHAT IS THE U.F.S." ASKED BOB.
"THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING SERIES," SHE SAID. "IT'S ON TV."
"I DO NOT LIKE FIGHTING," SAID BOB.
THE WOMAN STARED AT BOB. "IT IS REFRESHING TO MEET A MAN WHO ADMITS PHYSICAL WEAKNESS. I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER."
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE, BOB WASN'T ANGRY. HAPPY KISSING. LISTENING TO HER RHYMIC KNOCK.
ON THE WINDOW. MADE BY DAN, WHO WAS TRYING TO GET HIS CAR TO SEE WHY THE HEADLIGHTS WERE ON.
BOB DIED. MANY TIMES.
THE END.
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING LONELY.

Dearest Pig,
The decision to leave you and your lamp was not easy. All I can say is that I had to get out of your bedroom and finally see what the World had to offer, which is not easy when you have no hands.
Which is why I'm still standing by the front door.
STUPID DOORKNOB.

Dear Pig,
I have left to find out if there is more to life than supporting a lamp.
The
Nightstand
...I DESERVED BETTER.

SCIENCE FAIR
THE DOUBLE HELIX
SUPERSTRING THEORY
DED ZEBRA
COULD I JUST DO THIS ALONE NEXT YEAR, DAD?
No, son...
Me huge help.