Pearls Before Swine | Search

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY WITH ONE LANE AND THE SLOW DRIVER IN FRONT OF YOU WON'T PULL OVER, NO MATTER HOW MANY CARS ARE LINED UP BEHIND HIM?
I DO.
WELL, I THINK I'VE FOUND A PRACTICAL SOLUTION. IT'S CALLED 'THE OPEN HIGHWAY FACILITATOR'.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO NOT SELL HIM WEAPONS.
HE SAID HE'D BE RESPONSIBLE.

GLADYS SAT ALONE ON A GRASSY HILL, HER JET BLACK HAIR WAVING GENTLY IN THE BREEZE.
BY STEPHAN PASTIS
A TALL, MANLY STRANGER APPROACHED. "I AM BOB," HE SAID, IN A TALL MANLY WAY.
THEIR EYES MET. HER HEART RACED. HER GOOSE PIMPLES GOT GOOSE PIMPLES.
BOB TOOK HER IN HIS MUSCULAR ARMS. THEY KISSED. THEY DID MORE THAN KISS.
IT WAS LOVE. PASSIONATE. FIERCE. WHITE HOT.
AND ON A GLORIOUS MOONLIT NIGHT, THEY WERE WED.
AND SPENT THE NEXT 41 YEARS WATCHING TV IN SEPARATE RECLINERS.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
HE GRABBED FOR THE REMOTE. SHE SLAPPED HIS FACE.

THOSE STUPID BIRDS NAILED MY CAR AGAIN.
OH!...THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM. THEY'RE JUST BEING BIRDS.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF, BUT I SWEAR, WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THEY NAIL YOU, YOU'D THINK THEY WERE SOME FRATERNITY TURNING THEIR BIRD-DROPPING SKILL INTO SOME WARPED FRAT GAME.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE PARANOID?
DANG! THAT'S THREE IN A ROW FOR BOB. LOOKS LIKE LARRY HERE'S GOTTA DRINK AGAIN!
I GOTTA WURP...WHUU???
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

I'M DIVIDING ALL OF HUMANITY INTO TWO LISTS, WHICH I'M CALLING, 'PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE,' AND 'PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND.'
OH, THAT'S VERY CYNICAL, RAT... YOU NEED TO MAKE A THIRD LIST OF PEOPLE YOU LIKE AND GIVE IT A NICE LITTLE TITLE.
HMM... YOU'RE RIGHT...
FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENTS

WELL, I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH MY SURGEON. LOOKS LIKE
THEY'LL BE ABLE TO RE-ATTACH
MY DRAWING ARM TOMORROW.
Dat
great!
Yeah. Mebbe
in meantime
we glue on, so
you can draw
streep.
NO NEED. PART
OF BEING A
SYNDICATED
CARTOONIST
MEANS KNOWING
HOW TO DRAW
WITH EITHER HAND!
TELL ME AGAIN
HOW HE
GOT SYNDICATED.

OKAY, GUYS. I CANCELLED YOUR TRIP AROUND THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE YOU OUT THERE SLAMMING "PEARLS" AND EATING FOOD EDITORS.
SO FROM NOW ON, YOU STAY HOME WHERE YOU CAN'T CAUSE ANY MORE PROBLEMS FOR THE STRIP.
OKAY, SEE, NOW THAT'S A PROBLEM.
Say you sorry, Bob.

Hullooow, Meester Pasties....Leesten. Me, Bob and Jimmy decide to veesit newspapers.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
Yes, Me know. But we want spread goodwill wid comeec editors. We go Sacreemennto, Fressno, Modvesto and...Oh...Leetle prabblum in Bakerfeeld.
WHAT HAPPENED IN BAKERSFIELD?!?
Jimmy eat an editor, leaf.
HE WHAT?!?!
Dat was not food maker editor.
He has not made it okay, Jimmy.

Hullo, Meester and Mees Feegawitz. We deed you write letter to paper saying 'Pearls' is ofthensive.
YEAH. WE DID. HOW COME?
Because me agree.
Now 'Beetles Bailey's' DERE'S a funny comic!
DARN RIGHT, SON.
ETHEL!! MORE BEER!!

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR?
OF COURSE, LITTLE GUARD DUCK.
SIR, TODAY I LOOKED UP AT THE SKY AND SAW SOMETHING SAD.
WHAT WAS IT?
DUCKS, SIR. FLYING, SIR. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME DUCKS COULD FLY, SIR.
YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T TEACH YOU?
I NEVER KNEW MY PARENTS, SIR.
OH, LITTLE GUARD DUCK...
THEY CAN FLY, SIR. I'M A BROKEN DUCK, SIR.
DON'T SAY THAT, LIL' GUARD DUCK. I HELP YOU! YOU'RE MY BUDDY. BUT FIRST WE'RE GONNA CHEER YOU UP! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO? GO TO THE PARK? PLAY SOME FRISBEE? GET SOME ICE CREAM?
FIREBOMB THE JOHNSONS?
ICE CREAM'S GOOD, TOO, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SIGNING, JOE?
JOE'S ROASTERY CHRISTMAS CARDS. ALL OF US EMPLOYEES SIGN THEM AND THEY SEND THEM TO OUR BEST CUSTOMERS.
DO I HAVE TO SIGN THEM?
'FRAID SO, RAT.
"MERRY
BLAH
BLAH
BLAH
BITE ME."
THAT'S NOT VERY CHRISTMASY.

Hullooo, gud person... Leesten... We unnerstand you write letter to paper complaining of "Pearls in Swine" and praising "Snuffy Smith".
THAT'S RIGHT. I LOVE "SNUFFY SMITH"... AND MY FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH".
...AND MY FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH." AND MY...

So you want us crocs
to go around country
and find people who
get offended at
comics?
YES.
But how we find
dem?
Well, here. They write to
papers. This guy wrote to
the Indianapolis Star, this
guy to the Baltimore Sun,
this one to the Worcester
Telegram and Gazette.
Dat is
all news-
papers!
They're not just
newspapers. They're
TERRIFIC newspapers
with really bright
editors and great
publishers.
For shame,
you pitiful
suck-up.
STAY
OUT
OF
THIS.
HAHA.
Pasties
is booty
kisser.

OKAY GUYS, LISTEN: YOUR JOB IS TO FIND ALL THE FOLKS WHO TAKE OFFENSE AT A COMIC STRIP AND SHOW THEM HOW TAME NEWSPAPER COMICS ARE COMPARED TO CARTOONS ON T.V.
SO SHOW 'EM THIS "SIMPSONS" DVD.
THEN SOME "FAMILY GUY".
THEN THIS "SOUTH PARK".
THEN MY BOOK.
ME LOVE DEM! DEVY GREAT! Helacious!
You steenk.
Yeah. You no "Mark Trail".

SO, MEESTER CARTOONIST, WHAT IS SEECRET MISSION YOU SEND US ON ?
I WANT YOU TO GO AROUND THE COUNTRY AND FIND ALL THE SENSITIVE FOLK WHO GET OFFENDED AT SOMETHING THEY SEE IN A COMIC STRIP.
AND INTEERMIADATE DEM WID FIERCE SET OF CHOPPERS ?!?
DUDE. HAVE A TIC TAC.
Oooh…Red pill or blue pill…Juss like “Matrix.”

You wanted see us, Meester Cartoonist?
YEAH, LISTEN...I'M THINKING OF SENDING YOU ALL OUT ON A SECRET MISSION AROUND THE COUNTRY!
Secret meeeshun? Niiiice! I like! But why you need so many of us?
WELL, I REALLY ONLY NEED ONE OR TWO OF YOU, BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE I THOUGHT I'D BRING EXTRA.
Which one of us 'extra'?
Oh! Peeck me! Peeck me!

HIYA, RAT.
WHAT’RE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HAND?
IT’S HOW I INDICATE ‘HIYA’. THE DOVE. I NOTICED ON ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THAT NONE OF THE COOL, YOUNG, HIP TYPES EVER KNOWLY SAY ‘HIYA’. BITZ! THIS MAKES THE PEACE SYMBOL.
BUT YOU’RE DOING IT WITH YOUR THUMB, TOO.
I KNOW. THAT’S MY SPECIAL TOUCH. BY ADDING APEX-FIN DIGIT, MY GESTURE IS COOLER THAN THE REGULAR…AND IS THERE A COOLER THING THAN YOUR DUMB ‘HIYA’?
YOU.
DUDE. THAT DISH NEEDS TO FEAR YOU, CUZ IT IS NO MERE DISH, YOU…YOU’RE A THIRD OF MY MEAL.
HIYA.
THEN DO?
WELL, IF I’M ENTITLED TO THREE FINGERS, I’LL GRACIOUSLY PERM... WHAT CAN DO? YOU? ME?
OKAY. HOW IS THIS?
HEY, WHAT THE @#*%IS THAT! SUPPOSED TO MEAN…GOT A HIGHER PIG? I’LL TEACH YOU TO ---
SMACK
WHOP
POW
...STICK WITH ‘HIYA’!

HEY, RAT. IT'S YOUR FAVORITE NEIGHBOR, FLOYD. LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO WATCH THE GIANTS GAME ON MY SIXTY-INCH PLASMA T.V...
AND HEY, IF YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL EVEN LET YOU HAVE SOME OF THE BEER IN MY FRIDGE! HAHAHA!
I KNOW YOU SAW MY BOMB SHELTER, FLOYD, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW RIGHT NOW THAT IF THE END OF THE WORLD COMES, I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN IT.
NO BEER FOR YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BUILT A BOMB SHELTER, BUT WON'T LET YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD USE IT.
ALRIGHT, FINE. IF A BIG BOMB GOES OFF AND EVERYONE DIES, YOU CAN LIVE DOWN HERE WITH ME FOR AS MANY YEARS AS IT TAKES. I PROMISE.
OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
BUT NO EATING THE FOOD.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I BUILT A BOMB SHELTER IN OUR BACKYARD AND STOCKED IT WITH CANS OF CHILI. NOW, IF A BIG BOMB GOES OFF AND EVERYONE DIES, I CAN SURVIVE FOR YEARS.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
HAVE SOME CHILI.

LOOKS LIKE "PEARLS" FINISHED SIXTEENTH OUT OF TWENTY STRIPS IN THIS NEWSPAPER'S COMICS POLL...THE OVER-60s VOTE IS JUST KILLING YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? DRAW A STRIP LIKE "PICKLES" ABOUT A COUPLE OF OLDER PEOPLE JUST TO PICK UP VOTES?
"PICKLES" FINISHED FIRST.
I LOST MY GLASSES, OPAL.
CHECK YOUR FACE, EARL.

DAD, HOW DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU FIRST LOVED MOM?
EET WAS BOOTIFUL NIGHT. FULL MOON. WE SAT BY LAKE AND WATCH BOOTIFUL SWANS SWEEM BY.
DID YOU KISS HER?
NO. SHE TOO BUSY KILLING SWANS.
HOW ROMANTIC.
EET WAS LOVE AT FIRST DEATH ROLL.

HELLO, NEIGHBOR FLOYD. AS YOU MAY KNOW, I BECAME MAYOR IN A MILITARY COUP. SADLY, YOU'RE ON MY ENEMIES LIST.
SO WHAT?
WELL, I WANT TO BE A NICE GUY, FLOYD, SO IF YOU'LL JUST PROMISE TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, I'LL TAKE YOU OFF THE LIST. OTHERWISE, I HAVE TO CALL FOR AIR SUPPORT.
I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH, YOU GADABOUT.
YOU MAKE POOR CHOICES, FLOYD.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
MY FIRST NOVEL.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
THIS IS A LITTLE STILTED, PIG. YOU EVER TRIED WRITING STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS?
WHAT IS THAT?
YOU JUST KIND OF LET YOUR THOUGHTS FLOW OUT ON THE PAGE QUICKLY, WITHOUT A LOT OF SELF-EDITING. SOME PEOPLE THINK IT'S THE KEY TO GREAT PROSE.
REALLY?
YEAH...TRY IT.
WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE
Banana dog fig face
Banana pig dog fig face
Banana dog fig face
HOSANNA!
LOOKS LIKE HIS STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS BECAME A BABBLING BROOK OF BADNESS.
WILL YOU PLEASE
CHEESE! STICKS! CHEESE! STICKS! CHEESE! STICKS!

HEY! WE GOT OUR STRIP BACK!
YEAH. THE GUY WHO LAYS OUT THE COMICS PROMISED THAT AS LONG AS I WATCH IT WITH THE INSULTS, HE'D LEAVE OUR STRIP ALONE.
NO HAVING THE STRIP SLIP? NO PRINTING GRAY? NO FUZZY PANELS? NO COMPRESSING THE IMAGE?
NOPE. I'LL BE GOOD AND DO MY JOB AND IN TURN, HE'LL GO AND DO WHATEVER IT IS A USELESS CRETIN LIKE HIM DOES...
MY, YOU'VE GROWN FAT.

I guess the point is that it's not on.
No, no, no. It's ok. This is fine. It's marcilful.
Will you please apologize to the guy who lays out the newspaper comics page so that he'll stop filling our space with random "get fuzzy" panels?!
I did! I even sent him a case of beer.
Good. Cause I actually met that guy once and I know that he really loves that "redtail ale" stuff. I hope that's what you sent I mean, I hope you didn't cheap out and just send him one of those mass-marketed generic brands...
I'll be in the kitchen scraping off the black marker. I snagged us some generic beer. Cheep beer.