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HEY, I HEAR THAT GUARD DUCK IS DATING A NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK. I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE COULDN'T DO THAT.
I CHANGED MY MIND... I THOUGHT OF A FEW JOKES I COULD DO WITH HER.
IT MUST BE SORT OF HARD TO BE A CARTOONIST WITH SUCH LIMITED ABILITIES. SORT OF LIKE A BASKETBALL PLAYER WITH NO ARMS... OR LEGS... ...OR HEAD...
I GET THE ANALOGY!
...JUST A LONELY TORSO ROLLING AROUND THE HALF COURT LINE.

YOU KNOW, MAURA, AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOUR INABILITY TO TALK WOULD HAMPER OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT NOW I SEE THERE ARE ADVANTAGES ...
FOR INSTANCE, YOU CAN NEVER TELL ME TO TURN OFF THE GAME OR EMPTY THE TRASH ... AND WHEN YOU DO MAKE SOUNDS, THEY'RE ALL OPEN TO INTERPRETATION.
QUAAACK
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP SAYING, "YOU HOT STUD", AFTER ALL MY SENTENCES.

WHO'S YOUR
FRIEND THERE,
GUARD DUCK?
MAURA, THE NON-
ANTHROPOMORPHIC
DUCK. THAT MEANS
SHE CAN'T TALK OR
ANYTHING… SHE'S
JUST A DUCK.
IS SHE
GOING TO
BE A
REGULAR
CHARACTER?
NO. THE STRIP'S CREATOR,
STEPHAN PASTIS, SAYS
THAT ALL ANIMALS IN THE
STRIP HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO TALK AND STUFF…
AND RULES ARE RULES.
PERHAPS WE'RE BEING
TOO STRICT.

GUARD DUCK, THIS IS MAURA. SHE'S A GIRL DUCK. I'M HOPING THAT BRINGING IN ANOTHER ANIMAL WILL HELP CALM YOU DOWN.
HOW DO MA'AM?
QUACK
SIR. THIS IS A NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK.
A WHAT?
SIR. THIS IS NON-ANTHRO-PO-MORPHIC. THAT MEANS I've DONE AWAY WITH THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A HUMAN BEING. SEE HOW I TALK AND WEAR A HAT? THIS GIRL'S JUST A DUCK.
AND DOES THIS CONCEPT MATTER?
I'M AFRAID IT DOES, PIG.
STEPHAN PASTIS? CREATOR OF 'PEARLS'?
HI, PIG. YEAH, LISTEN. HAVING INCONTROVERTIBLE NON-ANTHRO ANIMALS IN THE STRIP IS GOING TO HURT IT. THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK AND STUFF. IT'S PART OF THE PREMISE.
I'M SORRY, MR. PASTIS. PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME!
PIG, PIG, PIG. RELAX. YOU'RE THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS. BELIEVE ME, I'VE GOT CHARACTERS WHO--
WELL WELL WELL. IF IT ISN'T MR. "I GUESS GOLF AS WE KNOW IT IS NO LONGER A PART OF THE

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, I'D LIKE TO BUY A GUN TO SHOOT...BIRDS?...GEESE, TO BE EXACT.
OKAY, FINE. THERE IS, HOWEVER, A FIVE-DAY WAITING PERIOD TO-
WHAT?!? I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!! I'M MAD NOW AT MY STUPID...GOOSE. HE'S BEEN A BAD...GOOSE...REAL BAD.
HE'S ON TO ME.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. I’D LIKE A GUN SO I CAN POP MY NEIGHBOR IN THE REAR.
HE BOTHERS ME.
SIR, I CAN’T—
OKAY, STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU DEMON-LOVING LIBERAL.
I HOLD IN MY HAND A COPY OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT TO OUR CONSTITUTION, WHICH STATES AS FOLLOWS, IT SHALL BE THE RIGHT OF ALL AMERICANS TO SHOOT THEIR NEIGHBOR IN THE BUTT.
HE DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. I NEED A GUN. MY NEIGHBOR BOTHERS ME AND I'D LIKE TO POP HIM IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
SIR... I CAN'T SELL A GUN TO SOMEONE WHO TELLS ME THAT THEY'RE GONNA "POP" THEIR NEIGHBOR IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
FINE. I TAKE IT BACK. I SHALL ONLY SHOOT HIM ONCE.
... CURSE THESE LIBERAL GUN LAWS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR PHIL. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
THE ANCIENT ART OF FALCONRY, PIG. AFTER RAISING MY LOYAL AND BELOVED FALCONS FOR SIX YEARS, I HAVE LET THEM GO.
AND NOW... I AWAIT THEIR RETURN... THE GLORIOUS AND WONDROUS HIGH POINT IN ANY TRUE FALCONER'S LIFE.
TO FREEDOM.
TO PHIL BEING A BIG, FAT IDIOT.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I TOLD OUR NEIGHBORS WE WOULD BABYSIT THEIR ONE-YEAR-OLD SON WHILE THEY GO OUT TO DINNER.
DUDE, TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING. I HATE BABIES.
OHH, IT WON'T BE SO BAD… I HEAR HE'S VERY ADVANCED FOR HIS AGE.
PLEASE… HOW ADVANCED CAN A ONE-YEAR-OLD BE ?
SPORTSCENTER, NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PIG. I DIDN'T BUY YOU ANYTHING, BUT I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE...
AWW, GEE, LITTLE BUDDY, THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING. I JUST GOT YOU A LITTLE GIFT CERTIFICATE. HERE, IT'S A--
COULD I HAVE MY WALLET BACK?
Dang.

Deer Santy Closs,
you know what me want...
Black and white, four legs,
Two beeg ears. Super stoopid!
P.S. You grate!!!

This year my greatness was startling.
I made more cash than you. I bought nicer things than you. I had more success than you.
In short, here is my summary of the last twelve months.
Me: Total domination.
You: Blah blah blah who cares?
YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T SEND OUT AN ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LETTER.

Dear Santa,
Save us from destruction.
Save us from war.
Save us from ourselves.
YOU STUPID PIG... SANTA SPECIALIZES IN TOYS... HE GIVES TOYS.
Please throw in a yo-yo.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ZEEBA NEIGHBA!
WOW... A PICTURE OF THE SERENGETI! THANK YOU, LITTLE GUY!
YEAH, IT'S TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS LIVING OUT ON THE PLAINS... THAT WAY YOU WON'T GET HOMESICK.
THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU... YOU SURE YOUR DAD WON'T MIND?

NO.
Nuts.

SIR, RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE STREETS, IT'S A MOB SCENE, PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HEAD COVERINGS... THE CHANTING OF FUNDAMENTALIST DOGMA... CALL RETREAT, SIR, THE GREAT HOLY WAR IS UPON US.
AWAY IN A MANGER NO CRIB FOR HIS BED, THE LITTLE LORD JESUS LAID DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD...
LEMME GUESS. THEY PUT A FATWA ON THE DUCK.

Ho ho hooo zeeba neigba...
Come sit on Santa lap. Tell
Santa what you want get
for Kessmas. Santa give to
you anyting.
I'D LIKE A WORLD WHERE I CAN
BE SAFE IN MY OWN BACKYARD.
A WORLD WHERE NO ONE TRIES
TO EAT ME... A WORLD WHERE
I CAN LIVE IN PEACE.
How 'bout nice train?

OKAY, GUYS, EVERYBODY SMILE!
I HATE THESE STUPID CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS.
THUD!
OH, BOY! IT'S ONE OF SANTA'S ELVES! I BET HE'S HERE TO PICK UP OUR LISTS FOR SANTA! I GOTTA GET MY LIST FOR SANTA!
UUURRRRP
OH, THAT IS SOOO NOT IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY SECURITY MONKEY. LINUS HAD HIS BLUE BLANKET... I HAVE MY TOY MONKEY... WHENEVER SOMEONE MAKES ME FEEL BAD, I JUST TURN ON MY MONKEY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
Y'KNOW, THAT MIGHT BE CUTE FOR A LITTLE KID, BUT FOR SOMEONE GROWN UP LIKE YOU, THAT'S EMBARRASSING... NOT TO MENTION SAD...
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG

PUSH BUTTON FOR
PUSH
PUSH
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UH...
NOTHING. I WAS JUST TRYING TO CROSS.
THEN WHAT THE G#$@ ARE YOU BOTHERING ME FOR?
I GOTTA START READING THESE THINGS.

... AND REALLY, YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID YOU JUST USE THE EXPRESSION "AT THE END OF THE DAY"?
YES. YES, I DID.
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I'M GONNA STOP THAT EXPRESSION ONE SPEAKER AT A TIME.

HI... GIMME A SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.
SORRY... NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD?
YEAH, NOT IN THE MOOD. YOU KNOW, LIKE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ASK HER FOR SSSSSS---
SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.... ON THE HOUSE, SIR.
Mmmph

HEY, GOAT.
WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
I WENT TO A PETRIFIED FOREST. THEY HAVE THESE TREES THAT ARE SO OLD THEY ACTUALLY TURNED TO STONE.
AWWW.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
BECAUSE I THINK THAT HAPPENED TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
NEVER MIND.
POOR OL' GRANDMA.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY WITH ONE LANE AND THE SLOW DRIVER IN FRONT OF YOU WON'T PULL OVER, NO MATTER HOW MANY CARS ARE LINED UP BEHIND HIM?
I DO.
WELL, I THINK I'VE FOUND A PRACTICAL SOLUTION. IT'S CALLED 'THE OPEN HIGHWAY FACILITATOR'.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO NOT SELL HIM WEAPONS.
HE SAID HE'D BE RESPONSIBLE.

GLADYS SAT ALONE ON A GRASSY HILL, HER JET BLACK HAIR WAVING GENTLY IN THE BREEZE.
BY STEPHAN PASTIS
A TALL, MANLY STRANGER APPROACHED. "I AM BOB," HE SAID, IN A TALL MANLY WAY.
THEIR EYES MET. HER HEART RACED. HER GOOSE PIMPLES GOT GOOSE PIMPLES.
BOB TOOK HER IN HIS MUSCULAR ARMS. THEY KISSED. THEY DID MORE THAN KISS.
IT WAS LOVE. PASSIONATE. FIERCE. WHITE HOT.
AND ON A GLORIOUS MOONLIT NIGHT, THEY WERE WED.
AND SPENT THE NEXT 41 YEARS WATCHING TV IN SEPARATE RECLINERS.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
HE GRABBED FOR THE REMOTE. SHE SLAPPED HIS FACE.