Pearls Before Swine | Search

THIS PAINTING REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE HE'S A SAD, LONELY FOOL AND I PITY HIM.
AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE FRAME.

HALLMARK™ HEADQUARTERS: ANNIVERSARY CARD WRITING DIVISION
ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. WE WANT TO AVOID TRITE SUPERFICIALITY WITH THESE CARDS... GIVE US SOMETHING HEARTFELT... SOMETHING HONEST...
Happy anniversery. You big fat pain in butt.
TOO MUCH.

WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA GO… WHAT DO WE OWE?
WELL, LET'S SEE…YOU OWE…UH…WELL, I OWE…
AWWW, HECK…I'M NO GOOD AT MATH…LET'S JUST SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.
I HAD COFFEE.
YOU HAD LOBSTER.
SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO BE NO GOOD AT MATH.

DID YOU HEAR ONE OF THE CROCS MOVED TO KANSAS CITY?
KANSAS CITY? WHY KANSAS CITY?
HE GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR HAU-MARK.
WHAT'S A PREDATOR KNOW ABOUT COMFORTING SOMEONE WHO'S JUST LOST A FAMILY MEMBER?
NOW DERE MORE FOOD FOR DA REST OF YOU.
Dat very comforteeng.

It was love. White hot and fierce.
Betty sat alone by the wind-swept airfield.
She was sad.
She was lonely.
She came here to dream.
To watch the planes land.
To imagine the distant lovers reunited by these giant graceful birds of steel.
A stranger approached.
"I am Bob," he said.
He was tall and tan with muscular arms.
Their eyes met. They kissed. They kissed.
A dirigible floated just overhead.
"That is a lie for you," Bob said.
"Large, steady, and true."
Betty kissed Bob.
Bob kissed Betty.
And the Hindenburg exploded.
PLEASE STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
"This really kills the mood," Hindenburg said.

GREETINGS, MY SON... WELCOME TO "RAT'S ENLIGHTEMENT CENTER FOR THE LIFTING OF SPIRITS"...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
YOU GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS. I TAKE YOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. SPIRITS ARE LIFTED.
WHOSE SPIRITS ARE LIFTED?
YOU MAY NOT BE READY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
CEREAL.
'DUMPIES'?
IT'S FOR FAT GUYS LIKE ME WHO STINK AT SPORTS AND DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
IT'S THE 'BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.'

OKAAAY, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... YOU BAD NEIGHBA... LEESTEN TO LEEST OF GREVIANCE...
"ZEEBA'S STOOPID FEEG TREE DROP FEEG ON CROC DRIVEWAY..."
MY FIG TREE?? YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FIG TREE?? OKAY, I'VE GOT A GRIEVANCE. MY NEIGHBORS TRY TO KILL ME SO THEY CAN EAT MY HEAD!
WE REALLY REALLY NO LIKE FEEG TREE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A SPAGHETTI STRAINER ON YOUR HEAD?
BECAUSE MY BASEBALL CAP IS DIRTY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CAP?
IT'S FILLED WITH PASTA.
MARTHA STEWART I AM NOT.

JACK PITT, AKA "THE PITTSER," REIGNING HUNK O' HOLLYWOOD, IS BESIEGED BY AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS.
OH, THAT I COULD ONCE MORE BE ANONYMOUS, HE LAMENTS. BUT NO, EVEN A NORMAL LUNCH IS NOW AN IMPOSSIBILITY...
SIGN THE @#!@#$ BILL OR I'M CALLING THE COPS.
PLEASE, RESPECT MY PRIVACY.

JACK PITT, AKA “THE PITTSTER,” REIGNING HUNK O’ HOLLYWOOD, STANDS BEFORE A LINE OF ADORING FANS... HE IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
HE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. BUT NO, IT CANNOT BE. HE IS TOO BIG... TOO FAMOUS. HE STANDS MOTIONLESS, PARALYZED BY THE GROWING CROWD.
YOU GONNA WAIT ON THESE CUSTOMERS OR NOT?!
THE CROWD GROWS HOSTILE.

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE NOW ADDING BIG FRONT PORCHES TO THEIR HOUSES ?
WHAT FOR ?
I DUNNO...I GUESS IT ENCOURAGES NEIGHBORS TO COME UP AND CHAT...
YEAH...A BUNCH OF OUR NEIGHBORS ARE ADDING THEM...OUR BLOCK’S LIKE ONE BIG SOCIAL GATHERING...!
ISN’T IT FUNNY THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF BUILDING LARGER AND LARGER HOUSES TO HIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER, EVERYONE NOW DISCOVERS THEY MISS OTHER PEOPLE ?
WELL...NOT EVERYONE.
MORNING’, RAT.
KEEP IT MOVING, BOB.

PLEASE, SIR, JUST
GO AWAY…
I’M NOT
SELLING
YOU A GUN.
FINE. I WILL CEASE MY EFFORTS TO PROCURE A GUN… BUT KNOW THIS, HAND JANE.
WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME POURING OVER OUR NORTHERN BORDER BRINGING THE LATEST IN MILITARY HARDWARE,
DON’T COME CRYIN’ TO ME, 'CAUSE I WILL NOT BE THERE TO DEFEND YOUR HAPPY, LITTLE LIBERAL WAY OF LIFE.
THOSE ARE
CANADIANS… AND MOST LIKELY, THEY’D
BRING BEER.
HEY… THOSE
BIG “MOLSON”
CANS CAN HURT!

DO YOU, GEORGE, TAKE THIS WOMAN, GLADYS, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORTH...
...IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, 'TIL GLADYS MATES WITH YOU AND BITES OFF YOUR HEAD?
I do.
PRAYING MANTIS WEDDINGS ARE SO UNROMANTIC.

LARRY, WILL YOU PLEASE SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR SON ? HE'S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD AGAIN
Stop dat, Junior.
Stoopid keed.

HullooOo, leetle guard duck...Hey, We hear you got probmums.
Ohhhh, me dunno... like mebbe you girlfriend, she.....FLY AWAY!!
HAHAHAA Dat Frank is da greatest!!
But he make nice pair of boots, too.
Frank! Frank! Say someting!

MY GIRL LEFT ME.
HEY, SORRY TO HEAR THAT, PAL. THAT HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE MONTHS BACK.. WHAT WAS IT... ANOTHER GUY?
WINTER.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GIRL.

PIG'S GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.
DOES HE WANT TO GET HIS COLLEGE DEGREE?
I THINK THAT'S A WAYS OFF.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
JIMMY'S NOT KEEPING HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF.

TOOT TOOOT
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
IT'S THE "TRAIN TO NOWHERE," AND THAT'S "DOOMSDAY, THE WONDER DOG." HOP ON BOARD!
"TRAIN TO NOWHERE"?
WHY WOULD I TAKE A TRAIN TO NOWHERE?
BECAUSE THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE IS BASED ON THE THEORY THAT ANYWHERE IS BETTER THAN HERE. AND GIVEN THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD, WE THINK THAT'S PRETTY APT.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT...EACH ONE OF US HAS A DUTY TO STAY AND DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP. TO WORK FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS...NOT TO RUN AND HIDE.
I FELT SORTA BAD RUNNING OVER HIS TOES.
YAH! HAH!
© 2023 STEPHAN PASTIS

Okay, Zeeba neighba... Geev up now, because you is doomed. But no take my word for it. Leesten Miss Croco, who look deep in magic crystal ball and geev you future.
"Brunswick, 16 lbs."
You need start coming to meetings.

WELL, GENTLE-MEN...I'M GOING BACK HOME.
BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE PLAY?
I'M GONNA DUCK...I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY REFLEXES...GO AHEAD...THROW THAT BANANA AT ME...
SMACK

G.*&^G.

BAD NEWS. LINCOLN WAS WATCHING "THE HISTORY CHANNEL" AND FOUND OUT HE GETS ASSASSINATED DURING THE MIDDLE OF A PLAY.
OH, NO. WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, HE'S REALLY BUMMED, SO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
WELL, IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE PLAY, YOU'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LINCOLN??
I HAVE TO WRITE THIS STUPID SPEECH AND I'M STRUGGLING WITH THE OPENING.
LET'S HEAR IT.
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THIS CONTINENT A NEW NATION.
YEAH, VERY BORING. TRY THIS.
A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, A GREAT ADVENTURE TOOK PLACE.

SO HOW'S LIFE BACK IN D.C.?
AWFUL. THERE'S THIS BIG WAR AND MY WIFE'S A PAIN IN THE REAR.
HOW SO?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, RIGHT NOW, SHE'S GOT THESE TICKETS TO A PLAY, AND I HATE PLAYS, BUT SHE SAYS I HAVE TO GO.
YOU REALLY DISLIKE PLAYS?
DISLIKE 'EM? I'LL TELL YOU, I NEED TO SEE A PLAY LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN THE HEAD.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)

BEHOLD. MY LATEST DEVICE... THE "BLASTFROMTHEPASTOMETER"... IT ALLOWS YOU TO GO BACK TO ANY DATE IN HISTORY AND GRAB ANY PERSON YOU WANT OUT OF THAT ERA.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
TO SHOW THEM THE PRESENT DAY, AND ALL OF OUR MODERN TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES.
LIKE WHAT?
CHIPS IN A CAN... WHO'DA THUNK IT?