Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
I'M WRITING A STUPID LETTER! APOLOGIZING TO THE GUY WHO LAYS OUT THE NEWSPAPER COMICS PAGE!
Then, don't call me lucky charm.
DON'T CALL ME TOOTSIE ROLL.
WHY?? YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I KNOW! I KNOW! BUT THIS GUY'S JUST KNOCKING OUT OUR PANELS AND REPLACING EM WITH RANDOM "GET FUZZY" PANELS!
HAHAHAHA!
I LOVE THAT CLUELESS SATCHEL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HA... HA... HEH...
HA...
...OH.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M CLUELESS...

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
THE PRINTERS THAT SCREWED UP OUR DRUNK MONKEY STRIP YESTERDAY. THOSE IDIOTS ARE GONNA PAY!
HEY, PAL .. "THE IDIOT" FITS.
WHO, YOU CAVING AN IDIOT? PAL?
OH, IS THAT SO, @#%$#? KEEP IT UP, AND MAYBE NEXT TIME, SOMEONE "ACCIDENTALLY" LOSES SOME OF THE PANELS FROM YOUR STRIP AND REPLACES THEM WITH PANELS FROM SOME OTHER STRIP.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
YUP. IT'S ON.
WHERE .. WHERE AM I? I MUST BE GOING NUTS.

(Editor’s Note: due to a pagination error, the dialogue from today’s Pearls Before Swine has been inadvertently omitted. From the limited portion that is viewable, it appears that the angry man in panel (5) is scolding an inebriated monkey. For those of you who may be inconvenienced by the omission, we’d like to remind you that the angry man/drunken monkey gag is about as hackneyed as one could imagine in contemporary comedy, and probably offered very little in the way of humor value. Thank you for your patience.)

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STRIP?
THE PRINTER SLIPPED. AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT? IT HAPPENS ON THE ONE DAY WHERE THE JOKE IS PURELY VISUAL!
BUT LOOK AT THESE GREAT COSTUMES! WHAT A WASTE. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL... IF NO ONE CAN SEE IT... HOW 'BOUT I GIVE 'EM ONE OF THESE!
AHHH!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN THE FUNNIES!
YOU CAN IF THEY CAN'T SEE IT
OH GEE. WELL, IN THAT CASE, LOOK AT THIS!!
THAT'S JUST GROSS, DUDE.
SORRY

HERE'S YOUR "PUPPY CHOW," BIFF.
PUPPY CHOW? HA! WE EAT FOUR BUFFALO TODAY. ME NOT NEED "PUPPY CHOWS!"
BUFFALO, HUH? WHERE'D YOU FIND FOUR BUFFALO?
DEY UP TREES.
YEAH, WELL, I'M JUST LEAVE IT HERE ANYWAY. MAYBE YOU CAN USE IT FOR BUFFALO BAIT.
Whatever floats you boat, Mr. Stevens.
...LEMME GUESS. THEY GOT IT AGAIN.
Doze buffalo ees so darn tricky.

WHY ARE WE GOING BACK TO SEE TEDFORD THE ALL-KNOWING BEAR IF ALL HE EVER GIVES IS FOOPBALL-RELATED ADVICE?
BECAUSE TEDFORD KNOWS EVERYTHING AND NOT ALL OF HIS ADVICE IS FOOTBALL-RELATED. LOOK, THERE HE IS!
OH!!, MIGHTY TEDFORD, MASTER OF ALL KNOWLEDGE, WHAT KIND OF MATE SHOULD I LOOK TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ?
FIND A GOOD TIGHT END.
THAT COULD GO EITHER WAY.

WHY ARE WE CLIMBING THIS MOUNTAIN?
TO SEE TEDFORD, THE ALL-KNOWING BEAR... HE HAS THE ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES.
LOOK... THERE HE IS.
OH, MIGHTY TEDFORD, WHAT IS THE KEY TO ETERNAL HAPPINESS?
AVOID COSTLY TURNOVERS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD COME BACK AFTER FOOTBALL SEASON.

God?.. Dis is Larry.
My neighba... He an idiot... Peese kill him... Me will love you forevah.
Buddha?.. Dis is Larry...

I BELIEVE YOUR SUCCESS IN LIFE IS DETERMINED BY THE NUMBER OF HITS YOU GET WHEN YOU "GOOGLE" YOUR OWN NAME. NOT SURPRISINGLY, A SEARCH FOR "RAT" AND "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" PRODUCES A WHOPPING 75,000 HITS...
HAHHAHA...WHAT A FUNNY COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE JUST YESTERDAY, I THOUGHT I'D HAVE SOME FUN, SO I "GOOGLED" "PIG" AND "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" AND IT PRODUCED -- HA HA -- 12,000 HITS!!... ISN'T THAT THE SWEETEST THING?
YOUR EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL.

BAD NEWS... THE ELECTION FOR MAYOR IS MOOT.
MOOT? HOW CAN IT BE MOOT?
THERE'S BEEN A COUP.
A COUP?! WHO THE HECK WOULD LAUNCH A STUPID COUP FOR THE MAYOR'S OFFICE??
COULD SOMEONE PLEASE BRING ME MY "ENEMIES LIST"?

THE MAYORAL DEBATES
MY OPPONENT IS SOFT ON RAINBOWS!
MY OPPONENT MAKE FRIEND WITH EDIBLE ANEMALS!!
MY OPPONENT WEARS THONG UNDERWEAR WITH TINY LITTLE RAINBOWS ALL OVER THEM!!
HA! ME NO EVEN WEAR UNDERWEAR! LOOK!!
SEE... THIS IS WHY I DON'T VOTE.
HAHAHA... NO UNDERWEAR! HE'S GOT HIM THERE!

HI..WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'D LIKE A REALLY LARGE COFFEE..SO..UH..GIVE ME THE "TALL".
THAT'S SMALL.
"TALL" IS SMALL?
TALL IS SMALL.
SO WHAT'S "GRANDE"?
"GRANDE" MEANS "LARGE".
THEN GIVE ME "GRANDE".
BUT HERE IT MEANS "MEDIUM"!
WHAT THE? DUDE, ALL I WANT IS A LARGE COFFEE!
THEN ORDER "VENTI"!
SO "VENTI" MEANS "LARGE"?
NO, "VENTI" MEANS "TWENTY", AS IN I JUST SPENT TWENTY MINUTES TRYING TO UNDERSTAND A %$#@#$ MENU!
AAUUGHHH
I THINK I'M REALLY STARTING TO ENJOY THIS JOB.

SIR, EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE ZEBRAS, BUT WHERE DO YOU STAND ON OTHER ISSUES?
FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO ABOUT ILLEGAL ALIENS?
Eat da slow ones.
I'M SENSING A PATTERN.
Heeeyy... Meester fat reporter... You looking niiiiiiice...

BAD NEWS... YOUR RUN FOR MAYOR IS NO LONGER UNOPPOSED.
WHAT?! WHO'S RUNNING AGAINST ME?!... WHAT'S HIS PLATFORM?!
Keeltings.

SIR. WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE CENTERING YOUR CAMPAIGN ON THE THREAT POSED BY RAINBOWS. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW RAINBOWS ARE DEADLY?
FOR THAT, I'LL TURN TO MY DIRECTOR OF INTELLIGENCE, PIG, WHO HAS INCONTROVERTIBLE PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF.
AHHH
HAHA HAA
I'M CONVINCED.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
LET'S HIT THE BAR, BOYS.
THANKS FOR COMING!

I AM GOING TO RUN FOR MAYOR.
MY CAMPAIGN WILL CENTER AROUND FEAR.
FEAR OF WHAT?
RAINBOWS.
DEADLY RAINBOWS.
BUT RAINBOWS AREN'T DEADLY.
I SEE YOU'RE SOFT ON RAINBOWS.

TRICK OR TREAT!
LOOK, HONEY, A CUTE LITTLE DONKEY! GIVE HIM SOME CANDY!
WHAT KIND WOULD YOU LIKE, LIL' GUY?
BOOZE. SO I CAN FORGET MY TROUBLES.
LET'S TURN OFF THE PORCH LIGHT NOW, SWEETIE.
HERE. JUST POUR IT IN THE PUMPKIN.

I HEAR YOUR DUCK WAS AGAINST GIVING OUT CANDY TO TRICK-OR-TREATERS.
YES. HE CALLS IT "APPEASEMENT," BUT HE CALMED DOWN WHEN I TOLD HIM HE COULD GO TRICK-OR-TREATING HIMSELF.
YOU'RE LETTING HIM TRICK-OR-TREAT?
OH, SURE, BUT I MADE HIM PROMISE HE'D BE POLITE AND RESPECTFUL.
FORK IT OVER, BIG DADDY!!

TRICK OR TREAT!!
Hulllooo, keeds.
Hahahaha... Dat gud deegusie.
Here you goes.
SPLORT
EWWWW
GROSS.
SICK.
WHAT IS THAT?
Antylope brain. Me got extra.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Spoiled keeds.
Nexy year we turn off porch light.

SIR, GOOD EVENING, SIR... SIR, A SECOND SOURCE HAS CONFIRMED THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PLANNING AN INVASION OF OUR PERIMETER. THEY SHALL BE DISGUISED.
IT'S CALLED "HALLOWEEN," LITTLE DUCK, AND I'M GONNA GIVE THEM ALL THE CANDY THEY WANT.
IT'S CALLED "APPEASEMENT," SIR, AND ALL MILITARY HISTORY COUNSELS AGAINST IT. ASK NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN.
THE NICE MAN WHO SCORED ALL THOSE BASKETS?
THAT'S WILT, SIR. BUT YOU'RE CLOSE.

SIR, A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE INFORMS ME THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PLANNING TO THREATEN YOU.
IS THAT SO?
YES, THE PLAN IS TO EXTORT CONCESSIONS. TO TAKE WHAT IS NOT THEIRS. THEY’VE EVEN GIVEN IT A CODE NAME…
“HALLOWEEN.”
I ADMIRE YOUR COOLNESS UNDER FIRE, SIR.

HI... WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?
Geeve me steak... RARE... Me love blood... Me a true predator! HAHAHAHAHA...
AND I'LL HAVE A SMALL SALAD AND YOUR VEGGIE BUR-
LALALALALALALALALALALALA LAAAAA LALALA LALALALALA LALALA
REAL MATURE, DAD.
Dad? Dad? Who is 'dad' you speak of??

HOOOOOW MANY TIMES
MUST A DOLLAR BE TAXED
BEFOOOORE I CAN CALL IT
MY OWN...
YES, HOOOOOW MANY BUUCKS
MUST THAT UH-UH-UNCLE SAM TAKE
BEFOOOOOORE I LOOOOSE
MY SUMMER HOME
I CALL IT "MY CAPITAL
GAINS ARE BLOWIN' AWAY
IN THE WIND."
IT'S JUST
SO SAD.
SNIFF
SNIFF
SNIFF

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M BLIND BOBBY Z, FOLK SINGER FOR THE RICH AND UPTRODDEN... CHECK OUT MY PROTEST SONG.
HOOOOOW MANY ROADS MUST MY LEX'S GO DOWN BEFOOOOOORE THE WHAAAARRANTIY ENDS... YES'N, HOOOOOW MANY GAINS MUST MY STOCKBROKER MAKE BEFOOOORE I CALL HIM MY FRIEND...
GETS YOU RIGHT HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'’M BLIND JIMMY WINTHROPE, BLUES SINGER FOR THE RICH.
THE BLUES ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DOWN AND OUT, PEOPLE WHO’VE LOST THEIR HOMES, THEIR JOBS, EVERYTHING THEY HAVE...
IT CAN BE PRETTY TOUGH WHEN NORDSTROM’S CLOSES EARLY.