Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT IS CAPTURED BY "FAMILY CIRCUS" FANS
C'MON, BIL... TELL YOUR CRAZY FANS YOU LOVE IT WHEN WE PARODY YOUR COMIC.
TELL ME. WHICH PART DID I LOVE?
WAS IT WHEN YOU HAD THE KIDS HUGGING THEIR "DEAD GRANDPA"?
"WE LOVE YOU, DEAD GRANDPA."
WAS IT WHEN JEFFY WAS A FELON?
OR WAS IT WHEN YOU HAD OSAMA BIN LADEN LIVING WITH THEM?
"I'M SORRY, OSAMA, BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN: AMERICA-- NOT DEATH TO AMERICA."
YOU'RE GONNA LET ME GET KILLED, AREN'T YOU BIL'?
OH, NOT ME.

COMING.
HI. WE'RE THE HYENAS. WE JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND SEE IF YOU HAVE ANY LEFTOVERS.
LEFTOVERS? LIKE WHAT?
DEAD GUYS. WE'RE NOT PICKY.
WHAT, YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET YOU EAT ONE OF MY RELATIVES?
JUST A DEAD ONE. MAYBE AN UNCLE OR SOMETHING.
YOU LISTEN TO ME. IF ONE OF MY RELATIVES DIES, I TAKE THEM TO A FUNERAL HOME... FOR A PROPER BURIAL... ONE FILLED WITH RESPECT AND LOVE AND DIGNITY!
SLAM!
DING DONG
AND BY "FUNERAL HOME"

RAT IS CAPTURED BY "FAMILY CIRCUS" FANS
LISTEN, WHEN I POKE FUN OF "FAMILY CIRCUS", BIL KEANE LOVES IT. I... I SWEAR... HERE, GIVE ME YOUR CELL... I'LL PROVE IT.
BIL KEANE HERE.
Heeeeeeeee. BIL, IT'S ME, RAT, FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"...
WHY YOU LITTLE @#$%!*
PERHAPS BIL'S HAVING A BAD MORNING.

SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA
SIR, PLEASE... HELP ME!! I'M DYING OF THIRST.
AREN'T YOU THAT LI'L RAT FROM THE FUNNIES THAT LIKES TO POKE FUN AT THE OLDER COMICS?
YES! THAT'S ME! WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT HERE?
"FAMILY CIRCUS" CONVENTION, YOU LITTLE G%$#%!
THIS IS NOT GOOD.

SOMEWHERE NEAR SURPRISE, ARIZONA
PIG, IT'S ME, RAT. MY CAR BROKE DOWN. I NEED HELP, AND MAKE IT QUICK. MY CELL PHONE BATTERY IS DYING.
OH, MY GOODNESS...WHERE ARE YOU?
SURPRISE!
OH, I LOVE SURPRISES!
YOU SAID IT WAS A SURPRISE.
I DID NOT SAY IT WAS A SURPRISE.
THEN WHERE ARE YOU IF IT'S NOT A SURPRISE?
SURPRISE!
RAT, IS THAT YOUR CELL PHONE BATTERY WARNING?
RAT? RAT?
RAT- RAT- RAT-

PUTT PUTT PUTT PUTT
RRRRRRRRRRRR
WELL NOW HERE'S A SCENE YOU WOULDN'T FIND IN "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE."

PRRRRRR PRRRRR
You mine, @#%& .
PRRRRR
FIVE MINUTES LATER.
I GOTTA GO.
Dang.

SO THE CROCS NEXT DOOR TO ME HAVE FIGURED OUT THEY NEED LAND SPEED.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE CROCS IN THE WILD ARE CAPABLE OF TREMENDOUS BURSTS OF SPEED ON LAND, ALLOWING THEM TO SURPRISE THEIR PREY.
SO WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
Zeeba good as dead.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HOUSE?
We tear down. Swamp natural advantage. Ees all part of BEEG plan.
THAT'S MORONIC.
Ohhhhh... Moronec, huh? You not say dat when you ees keeled.
OH? AND HOW DO YOU PLAN TO DO THAT?
Unnuertare spear-gun. You fallen. FOOM! FOOM! You not know what happen.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO WORK ONE OF THOSE?
Learn? What dere learn? You juss pull... FOOM!
Good ting he not know what happen.

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CROCS: THE TRIAL.
COUNSEL FOR THE CROCS, WHY DON'T YOU GET STARTED WITH YOUR OPENING ARGUMENTS?
I'M SORRY, YOUR HONOR. I'M RAT'S CO-COUNSEL, PIG...HE ASKED ME TO ASK YOU FOR A...UH...CONTINUANCE?
WHAT FOR?
HE'S TRAVELING CROSS-COUNTRY IN DIAPERS TO KILL SOMEONE.
Me having doubts about counsel.

LOOKS LIKE THE PLAINTIFFS ARE CAVING... THEY JUST FAXED ME A SETTLEMENT OFFER.
REALLY? WHAT ARE THEY OFFERING?
WELL, ORIGINALLY, THEY SOUGHT YOU COOKED MEDIUM WELL OVER A BARBECUE PIT.
I KNOW, I KNOW. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. WHAT NOW?
MEDIUM RARE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY REJECT THIS.

IS IT TRUE YOU'RE REALLY DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO GET YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S LOVER?
YES... I'VE GOT MY REVENGE-O-MOBILE, MY HELMET AND MY MACE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE REALLY GONNA DO THAT, YOU OUGHT TO AT LEAST GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST. THAT'S A LONG DRIVE.
DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO DO THAT?
BACK IN THE CAR. BACK IN THE CAR.

WHO WAS
ON THE
PHONE ?
MY SISTER FARINA...
SHE WANTED ME TO
TELL YOU SHE'S MET
SOMEONE NEW AND
IS MOVING WITH HIM
TO FLORIDA.
WHY THAT LITTLE HOOCHIE !
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE
LOVE OF HER LIFE !! THAT DOES
IT...I'M GONNA TRAVEL TO
FLORIDA AND GET THAT GUY !...
WHY ARE YOU
WEARING AN
ASTRONAUT
HELMET
AND DIAPERS ?
IT
SEEMED
APPROPRIATE.

Hey, Meester Attorney Man.
Me get big bill from you.
Me not like.
Too bad, pal.
I accounted for every hour I spent on your stupid case.
"Shower: 2.0"?
Yep. I spent two hours thinking about your case in the shower.
"Sleep: 7.0"?
I dreamt about the case.
Perfectly legit.
"Relieving Self: .5"?
Where I do my best thinking.
Consider it a bargain.

COUNSEL, I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE BECAUSE I'VE GOT WORD OF SOME UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOR DURING PRE-TRIAL PROCEEDINGS.
NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT, MR. DUCK, YOU TRIED TO ASK QUESTIONS OF MR. RAT'S CLIENTS AND MR. RAT DID WHAT?
HE BEGAN MAKING "YOUR MAMA" JOKES.
UNBELIEVABLE. AND HOW DID YOU RESPOND?
I PUSHED HIS PARALEGAL OUT A SIXTH STORY WINDOW.
OHHH, LORD.
I SAID I WAS SORRY, YOUR HONOR.
TOO BAD SHE DIDN'T BOUNCE OFF YOUR MAMA.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SOAP OPERA STRIPS. ALL THEY DO IS EXTEND OUT NORMAL CONVERSATIONS, ITALICIZE EVERY THIRD WORD, SHOW A BUNCH OF CLOSE-UPS, AND END WITH A SHOT OF SOME IDIOT STARING AT A PHONE.
...YOU MEAN-
YES!...
I THINK...
WE COULD DO THAT!...
...BUT WHAT ABOUT...
THE NARRATOR-?!
YES!
GOT IT...PARTNER!
AND DON'T FORGET...
WHAT?!
...THE PHONE!
WILL IT...RING?!
TO BE CONTINUED...

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CROCS:
THE DEPOSITION.
NOW THAT THE PLAINTIFF HAS BEEN SWORN IN, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN ASKING MY QUESTIONS... SIR, PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.
I OBJECT. I OBJECT TO YOU. I OBJECT TO YOUR FACE. AND YOUR MAMA'S FAT.
THIS COULD GET CONTENTIOUS.

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CIRCUS
I DON'T GET IT, COUNSELOR. YOUR CLIENTS ARE SUING THE ZEBRA FOR "FAILURE TO BE FOOD". BUT WHY CAN'T THEY JUST HUNT HIM DOWN LIKE OTHER PREDATORS DO?
BECAUSE, YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENTS ARE IDIOTS... MORONS, DOOFUSES, DUNDERHEADS, FOOLS, BUFFOONS, BONEHEADS, HALF-WITS, NUMSKULLS, SIMPLETONS, STOOGES, FATHEADS, CHUMPS, CLOWNS, CRETINS...
Dat problee enough.

SO WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR DEFENDING ME?
I'LL MAKE A MOTION TO COMPEL THE CROCS' DEPOSITIONS. THAT'S WHERE I ASK 'EM STUFF UNDER OATH.
WHAT IF THEY REFUSE TO ANSWER?
I MAKE PRETTY COMPELLING MOTIONS.

IS IT REALLY TRUE YOU'RE SUING THE ZEBRA, DAD?
Oh, yes, son. See, in Amereeeca, when you want someeteng, you juss sue.
BUT THAT SEEMS UNFAIR...ZEBRA'S DONE NOTHING WRONG...THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME SUING MY SCHOOL DISTRICT JUST TO GET BETTER GRADES.
Ohh, son... You get it... Legal system is like Lotto, only wid better odds and no ping pong balls!!
ABOUT THAT SCHOOL DISTRICT...
NO THANKS.
Scratch and ween, son! Scratch and ween!

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CROCS
FIRST THING WE GOTTA
DO IS CALL OPPOSING
COUNSEL AND EXPLORE
SETTLEMENT OPTIONS.
BEEP
BEEP
BOP
HELLO… COUNSELOR? …
SETTLE OR I FIREBOMB
YOUR OFFICE.
SETTLE OR I BEAT
YOU SILLY.
THAT DIDN'T
GO WELL.

I HEAR ZEBRA GOT SUED BY THE CROCS.
YEAH. THEY SAY HE "WILLFULLY FAILED" TO BE THEIR FOOD, AND THAT TWO-FACED FRIEND OF YOURS, RAT, IS REPRESENTING THEM.
THAT'S AWFUL. WHAT'S ZEBRA GONNA DO?
HIRE HIS OWN ATTORNEY. SOMEONE TOUGH... SOMEONE RUTHLESS... SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T MESS AROUND...
YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT DUCK.

WHAT'S THAT, ZEBRA?
A SUMMONS...I'M BEING SUED BY THOSE STUPID ******* CROCODILES!
WHAT?...WHAT ARE THEY SUING YOU FOR?
DEFENDANT

HOW COME EVERYONE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON HOW TO PROLONG THEIR LIVES AND SO LITTLE TIME ON HOW TO ACTUALLY LIVE THEIR LIVES?
IT'S SO STRANGE... IT'S LIKE OBSESSING ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF GAS LEFT IN YOUR TANK WHILE SPEEDING DOWN A HIGHWAY TO NOWHERE... WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE DO THAT?
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS HOW I WOUND UP IN A DR. PHIL INFOMERCIAL.
NEVER MIND.

THE ADVENTURES OF EGO-MAN, DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF.
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING MUGGED!
EGO-MAN! SAVE ME! I'M BEING MUGGED!
YES. BUT HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ME?
I GUESS IT DOESN'T.