Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT
EVERY SINGLE GYM HAS
ONE SMELLY GUY WHO
DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW
HE'S SMELLY BECAUSE
NO ONE WANTS TO
TELL HIM.
SO?
SO NOW THERE'S "SMELLY GUY
AWAY"... FOR JUST $9.99, I WILL
WRITE A LETTER TO THAT INDIVIDUAL TACTFULLY APPRISING
HIM OF THE SITUATION... HERE...
READ A SAMPLE...
DUDE,
YOU STINK.
I MUST HAVE MISSED
THE "TACTFUL" PART.
IT'S ALL IN
THE "DUDE."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M SAD TODAY, SO I WAS HOPING IF I ASKED PEOPLE TO SAY WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT ME, IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL UNSAD.
YOU STUPID PIG! THERE'S NOTHING WONDERFUL ABOUT A GUY WHO GOES AROUND BEGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. IT'S PATHETIC! NO ONE'S GONNA HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
Say wonderful things about me.
Living OR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LI'L GUARD DUCK?
I'M STANDING ON THE CRATE O' SADNESS.
WHY?
BECAUSE MAURA, THE DUCK I LOVED, FLEW SOUTH OVER A YEAR AGO AND NEVER RETURNED.
SO YOU STAND ON A CRATE?
YES. IT'S WHERE YOU STAND WHEN YOUR DREAMS DON'T COME TRUE.
THIS COULD GET CROWDED.

OH, OLIVE, I LOVE YOU. BUT I SO WANT TO HOLD YOU.
OH, ANDY, ME TOO... BUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER. OUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY... THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN TOUCHING.
YOU'RE NUTS.

HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
CURSE THESE LONG-DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIPS.

Dear Pig,
It's me, your
chained-up dog buddy,
Andy. I'm writing to
give you some
good news ...
I GOT
A
GIRLFRIEND!
Although the
situation
is less
than ideal.

Zeeba neighba...
Me is fall down! Break leg! Help!
Fat chance. The second I did that, your buddy Larry would jump out of that bush and kill me.
Oh, dat true, Meester Zeeba.
Listen, your pal Larry has the mind of a little kid. All I have to do is call out his name and he'll pop out...watch...
COME OUT OF THAT BUSH LARRY!!
Ooooh...You so smart, Meester Zeeba...Haha... See, what me tell you? No Larry.
SIMON SAYS COME OUT OF THAT BUSH, LARRY!
Simon says you beeg fat idiot, Larry.
Simon no say dat, Bob.

IS RAT STILL GOING AROUND PRETENDING HE'S BONO?
YEAH. BUT NOW HE'S GONNA CHANGE HIS NAME TO 'BEANO'.
I THOUGHT HE HATED THAT NAME.
HE DID. BUT NOW HE'S THINKING THAT WITH A NAME LIKE 'BEANO', THERE MIGHT BE SOME COMMERCIAL OPPORTUNITIES.
I WANT TO RUUUUN
I WANT TO HIIIIDE
I WANT TO BREAK DOWN THE GAS I'M HOLDING INSIDE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM BONO, ROCK STAR EXTRAORDINAIRE... AND THIS IS MY MANAGER.
YO, BABE.
YOU'RE NOT BONO... AND YOU CAN'T GO AROUND PRETENDING YOU ARE.
FINE... I SHALL PICK A NEW NAME... MANAGER, WRITE SOME NEW NAMES...
I WILL NOT BE CALLED "BEANO."

BEHOLD!? MY LATEST CREATION... THE SMART CARD!
WHAT IS IT?
WHEN A DUMB GUY DISAGREES WITH YOU, YOU PULL OUT THE SMART CARD. IT MEANS I'M SMART. YOU'RE NOT. PLEASE BE QUIET NOW.
OH, GEE. THAT'S JUST SILLY. I MEAN—
SHHHHHHHHH...

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA… LEESTEN… WHAT YOU TINK OF STATUE CROCS MAKE? EES CALLED “MEMORIAL TO BOB”.
WHO’S BOB?
BOB EES A CROC WHO EES CLOSE TO DEATH.
WHAT’S HE DYING OF?
CEMENT.
CAN’T… BREAFE… PEESE… SAVE…

HI, MOM... NO, PIG'S NOT HERE YET... HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHY HE'S LATE? BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS... I'M SICK OF IT.
I'M SICK OF HIS LAZINESS. I'M SICK OF HIS STRANGENESS. I'M SICK OF HIS STUPID EXCUSES.
I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD.

HEY, WHAT'SA MATTER WITH YOU? IT'S ALMOST NOON.

I WOKE UP DEPRESSED. I'M KINDA HOPING THAT IF I LAY REAL STILL, THE DAY WON'T NOTICE AND I CAN JUST TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.
YOU STUPID PIG. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. WE ALL HAVE TO FACE THE DAY. YOU GET OUTSIDE AND FACE THE DAY!

RRRRR!!!
Angry Bob was angry.
"I will fly a kite," he said.
"Flying a kite makes people happy."
So Angry Bob walked to the store.
"Hello," he said to the man at the store,
"I would like to purchase a kite."
"I am sorry", said the man,
"but I am out of kites.
Perhaps you'd like a couch."
"A couch?" said Bob, "Why would
I want a couch?"
"Because couches are nice,"
said the man, "and they
make people happy."
Convinced, Bob bought the couch,
and tried to drive the
store over his head.
Arriving at a field, he paused. "The man
was correct," thought Bob, "This couch
makes me feel happy." Bob then sat on
the first time in his 39 years, Bob smiled.
And threw it
into the air.
And it did not fly.
Bob was crushed
like a soft biscuit.
ALWAYS READ THE USER'S MANUAL.

Dear Abby,
I'm a loser.
Help.
I LIKE TO GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR STUPID GARDEN SHED? IT LOOKS LIKE IT EXPLODED.
I THINK IT WAS THOSE BUNNIES YOU TRIED TO POISON...YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHO ATE YOUR GARDEN?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK A BUNCH OF STUPID BUNNIES COULD POSSIBLY BLOW UP OUR GARDEN SHED?
THE VIDEOTAPE THEY SENT.
GREETINGS, GREAT SATAN...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE WRAPPED MY BODY IN BUBBLEWRAP TO INSULATE MYSELF FROM A WORLD FILLED WITH IDIOTS.
POP
POP
POP POP
POP POP POP
IT'S IRRESISTIBLE.

HEY, LOOK, ZEBRA... MINIATURE GOLF. I'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE.
OH, IT'S REAL FUN, PIG... YOU JUST PUT THE BALL THROUGH CASTLES AND WINDMILLS AND-
%@#& IT, BOB. I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THE PAR FIVE NINTH... @%@# THAT STUPID HOLE...
OH, GREAT... JUST WHAT I NEED TO CAP OFF MY DAY. A GIANT @%@*@!! PIG IN THE PARKING LOT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO HOME.
OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB MAKING POSTERS THAT PROMOTE BETTER TREATMENT OF SHORT PEOPLE... HERE, HAVE A LOOK AT ONE I JUST DID...
Be nice to us.
THAT'S A GARDEN GNOME.
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

I GOT A JOB WRITING SLOGANS THAT PROMOTE BETTER TREATMENT OF SHORT PEOPLE... THEY FACE A LOT OF DISCRIMINATION, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S WONDERFUL...
LET ME HEAR ONE.
YES, WE MAY BE REALLY TINY, BUT DON'T KICK US IN THE HEINIE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?

Okay, zeeba neighba...You is hoomiliate me in front of family for last time...Ees time for you die.
I SEE.
Oh, you sees,does you? Well, you leesteeen me. Today you die. You hear? Over.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING, ISN'T IT? IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, LARRY? ARE YOU JUST GONNA LET HIM TAUNT YOU LIKE THAT??
Me was hoping you know a few tunes.
Mebbe not.

DO YOU THINK THE WORLD IS FUNDAMENTALLY JUST?
FUNDAMENTALLY JUST WHAT?
JUST FUNDAMENTALLY JUST.
PLEASE STOP MESSING WITH MY MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I JUST FINISHED WRITING A BOOK.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"WHAT MEN WANT".
HOW LONG IS IT?
A PAGE.
IT WOULD'A BEEN UNDER A SENTENCE, BUT I FIGURED I'D THROW IN A PARAGRAPH ABOUT BEER.

HEY, SIR... IS THAT A CELL PHONE AND A PAGER YOU HAVE CLIPPED TO YOUR BELT?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK UP 'TOTAL LOSER GEEK' IN THE DICTIONARY, YOU'LL SEE IT SAYS 'MAN WHO CLIPS MULTIPLE ELECTRONIC DEVICES TO HIS BELT.'
IS THAT SO?
TAKE IT EASY, SIR... IT'S ONLY A COMIC STRIP.
WE SHOULD GO NOW, RAT.

AS THE MALE LIONS SLEEP, THE FEMALES GO OUT ON THE PROWL TO HUNT FOR PREY... IT IS THEY THAT TRADITIONALLY PERFORM THE HUNTING DUTIES...
ONLY AFTER THE PREY IS KILLED DO THE MALES JOIN IN, SHOVING ASIDE THE FEMALES TO GET THE FIRST AND LARGEST SHARE OF THE MEAL... UNFAIR? PERHAPS... BUT THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, LARRY.