Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR, RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE STREETS, IT'S A MOB SCENE, PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HEAD COVERINGS... THE CHANTING OF FUNDAMENTALIST DOGMA... CALL RETREAT, SIR, THE GREAT HOLY WAR IS UPON US.
AWAY IN A MANGER NO CRIB FOR HIS BED, THE LITTLE LORD JESUS LAID DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD...
LEMME GUESS. THEY PUT A FATWA ON THE DUCK.

Ho ho hooo zeeba neigba...
Come sit on Santa lap. Tell
Santa what you want get
for Kessmas. Santa give to
you anyting.
I'D LIKE A WORLD WHERE I CAN
BE SAFE IN MY OWN BACKYARD.
A WORLD WHERE NO ONE TRIES
TO EAT ME... A WORLD WHERE
I CAN LIVE IN PEACE.
How 'bout nice train?

OKAY, GUYS, EVERYBODY SMILE!
I HATE THESE STUPID CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS.
THUD!
OH, BOY! IT'S ONE OF SANTA'S ELVES! I BET HE'S HERE TO PICK UP OUR LISTS FOR SANTA! I GOTTA GET MY LIST FOR SANTA!
UUURRRRP
OH, THAT IS SOOO NOT IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY SECURITY MONKEY. LINUS HAD HIS BLUE BLANKET... I HAVE MY TOY MONKEY... WHENEVER SOMEONE MAKES ME FEEL BAD, I JUST TURN ON MY MONKEY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
Y'KNOW, THAT MIGHT BE CUTE FOR A LITTLE KID, BUT FOR SOMEONE GROWN UP LIKE YOU, THAT'S EMBARRASSING... NOT TO MENTION SAD...
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG

PUSH BUTTON FOR
PUSH
PUSH
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UH...
NOTHING. I WAS JUST TRYING TO CROSS.
THEN WHAT THE G#$@ ARE YOU BOTHERING ME FOR?
I GOTTA START READING THESE THINGS.

... AND REALLY, YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID YOU JUST USE THE EXPRESSION "AT THE END OF THE DAY"?
YES. YES, I DID.
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I'M GONNA STOP THAT EXPRESSION ONE SPEAKER AT A TIME.

HI... GIMME A SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.
SORRY... NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD?
YEAH, NOT IN THE MOOD. YOU KNOW, LIKE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ASK HER FOR SSSSSS---
SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.... ON THE HOUSE, SIR.
Mmmph

HEY, GOAT.
WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
I WENT TO A PETRIFIED FOREST. THEY HAVE THESE TREES THAT ARE SO OLD THEY ACTUALLY TURNED TO STONE.
AWWW.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
BECAUSE I THINK THAT HAPPENED TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
NEVER MIND.
POOR OL' GRANDMA.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY WITH ONE LANE AND THE SLOW DRIVER IN FRONT OF YOU WON'T PULL OVER, NO MATTER HOW MANY CARS ARE LINED UP BEHIND HIM?
I DO.
WELL, I THINK I'VE FOUND A PRACTICAL SOLUTION. IT'S CALLED 'THE OPEN HIGHWAY FACILITATOR'.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO NOT SELL HIM WEAPONS.
HE SAID HE'D BE RESPONSIBLE.

GLADYS SAT ALONE ON A GRASSY HILL, HER JET BLACK HAIR WAVING GENTLY IN THE BREEZE.
BY STEPHAN PASTIS
A TALL, MANLY STRANGER APPROACHED. "I AM BOB," HE SAID, IN A TALL MANLY WAY.
THEIR EYES MET. HER HEART RACED. HER GOOSE PIMPLES GOT GOOSE PIMPLES.
BOB TOOK HER IN HIS MUSCULAR ARMS. THEY KISSED. THEY DID MORE THAN KISS.
IT WAS LOVE. PASSIONATE. FIERCE. WHITE HOT.
AND ON A GLORIOUS MOONLIT NIGHT, THEY WERE WED.
AND SPENT THE NEXT 41 YEARS WATCHING TV IN SEPARATE RECLINERS.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
HE GRABBED FOR THE REMOTE. SHE SLAPPED HIS FACE.

THOSE STUPID BIRDS NAILED MY CAR AGAIN.
OH!...THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM. THEY'RE JUST BEING BIRDS.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF, BUT I SWEAR, WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THEY NAIL YOU, YOU'D THINK THEY WERE SOME FRATERNITY TURNING THEIR BIRD-DROPPING SKILL INTO SOME WARPED FRAT GAME.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE PARANOID?
DANG! THAT'S THREE IN A ROW FOR BOB. LOOKS LIKE LARRY HERE'S GOTTA DRINK AGAIN!
I GOTTA WURP...WHUU???
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

I'M DIVIDING ALL OF HUMANITY INTO TWO LISTS, WHICH I'M CALLING, 'PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE,' AND 'PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND.'
OH, THAT'S VERY CYNICAL, RAT... YOU NEED TO MAKE A THIRD LIST OF PEOPLE YOU LIKE AND GIVE IT A NICE LITTLE TITLE.
HMM... YOU'RE RIGHT...
FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENTS

WELL, I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH MY SURGEON. LOOKS LIKE
THEY'LL BE ABLE TO RE-ATTACH
MY DRAWING ARM TOMORROW.
Dat
great!
Yeah. Mebbe
in meantime
we glue on, so
you can draw
streep.
NO NEED. PART
OF BEING A
SYNDICATED
CARTOONIST
MEANS KNOWING
HOW TO DRAW
WITH EITHER HAND!
TELL ME AGAIN
HOW HE
GOT SYNDICATED.

OKAY, GUYS. I CANCELLED YOUR TRIP AROUND THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE YOU OUT THERE SLAMMING "PEARLS" AND EATING FOOD EDITORS.
SO FROM NOW ON, YOU STAY HOME WHERE YOU CAN'T CAUSE ANY MORE PROBLEMS FOR THE STRIP.
OKAY, SEE, NOW THAT'S A PROBLEM.
Say you sorry, Bob.

Hullooow, Meester Pasties....Leesten. Me, Bob and Jimmy decide to veesit newspapers.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
Yes, Me know. But we want spread goodwill wid comeec editors. We go Sacreemennto, Fressno, Modvesto and...Oh...Leetle prabblum in Bakerfeeld.
WHAT HAPPENED IN BAKERSFIELD?!?
Jimmy eat an editor, leaf.
HE WHAT?!?!
Dat was not food maker editor.
He has not made it okay, Jimmy.

Hullo, Meester and Mees Feegawitz. We deed you write letter to paper saying 'Pearls' is ofthensive.
YEAH. WE DID. HOW COME?
Because me agree.
Now 'Beetles Bailey's' DERE'S a funny comic!
DARN RIGHT, SON.
ETHEL!! MORE BEER!!

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR?
OF COURSE, LITTLE GUARD DUCK.
SIR, TODAY I LOOKED UP AT THE SKY AND SAW SOMETHING SAD.
WHAT WAS IT?
DUCKS, SIR. FLYING, SIR. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME DUCKS COULD FLY, SIR.
YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T TEACH YOU?
I NEVER KNEW MY PARENTS, SIR.
OH, LITTLE GUARD DUCK...
THEY CAN FLY, SIR. I'M A BROKEN DUCK, SIR.
DON'T SAY THAT, LIL' GUARD DUCK. I HELP YOU! YOU'RE MY BUDDY. BUT FIRST WE'RE GONNA CHEER YOU UP! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO? GO TO THE PARK? PLAY SOME FRISBEE? GET SOME ICE CREAM?
FIREBOMB THE JOHNSONS?
ICE CREAM'S GOOD, TOO, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SIGNING, JOE?
JOE'S ROASTERY CHRISTMAS CARDS. ALL OF US EMPLOYEES SIGN THEM AND THEY SEND THEM TO OUR BEST CUSTOMERS.
DO I HAVE TO SIGN THEM?
'FRAID SO, RAT.
"MERRY
BLAH
BLAH
BLAH
BITE ME."
THAT'S NOT VERY CHRISTMASY.

Hullooo, gud person... Leesten... We unnerstand you write letter to paper complaining of "Pearls in Swine" and praising "Snuffy Smith".
THAT'S RIGHT. I LOVE "SNUFFY SMITH"... AND MY FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH".
...AND MY FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH." AND MY...

So you want us crocs
to go around country
and find people who
get offended at
comics?
YES.
But how we find
dem?
Well, here. They write to
papers. This guy wrote to
the Indianapolis Star, this
guy to the Baltimore Sun,
this one to the Worcester
Telegram and Gazette.
Dat is
all news-
papers!
They're not just
newspapers. They're
TERRIFIC newspapers
with really bright
editors and great
publishers.
For shame,
you pitiful
suck-up.
STAY
OUT
OF
THIS.
HAHA.
Pasties
is booty
kisser.

OKAY GUYS, LISTEN: YOUR JOB IS TO FIND ALL THE FOLKS WHO TAKE OFFENSE AT A COMIC STRIP AND SHOW THEM HOW TAME NEWSPAPER COMICS ARE COMPARED TO CARTOONS ON T.V.
SO SHOW 'EM THIS "SIMPSONS" DVD.
THEN SOME "FAMILY GUY".
THEN THIS "SOUTH PARK".
THEN MY BOOK.
ME LOVE DEM! DEVY GREAT! Helacious!
You steenk.
Yeah. You no "Mark Trail".

SO, MEESTER CARTOONIST, WHAT IS SEECRET MISSION YOU SEND US ON ?
I WANT YOU TO GO AROUND THE COUNTRY AND FIND ALL THE SENSITIVE FOLK WHO GET OFFENDED AT SOMETHING THEY SEE IN A COMIC STRIP.
AND INTEERMIADATE DEM WID FIERCE SET OF CHOPPERS ?!?
DUDE. HAVE A TIC TAC.
Oooh…Red pill or blue pill…Juss like “Matrix.”

You wanted see us, Meester Cartoonist?
YEAH, LISTEN...I'M THINKING OF SENDING YOU ALL OUT ON A SECRET MISSION AROUND THE COUNTRY!
Secret meeeshun? Niiiice! I like! But why you need so many of us?
WELL, I REALLY ONLY NEED ONE OR TWO OF YOU, BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE I THOUGHT I'D BRING EXTRA.
Which one of us 'extra'?
Oh! Peeck me! Peeck me!

HIYA, RAT.
WHAT’RE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HAND?
IT’S HOW I INDICATE ‘HIYA’. THE DOVE. I NOTICED ON ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THAT NONE OF THE COOL, YOUNG, HIP TYPES EVER KNOWLY SAY ‘HIYA’. BITZ! THIS MAKES THE PEACE SYMBOL.
BUT YOU’RE DOING IT WITH YOUR THUMB, TOO.
I KNOW. THAT’S MY SPECIAL TOUCH. BY ADDING APEX-FIN DIGIT, MY GESTURE IS COOLER THAN THE REGULAR…AND IS THERE A COOLER THING THAN YOUR DUMB ‘HIYA’?
YOU.
DUDE. THAT DISH NEEDS TO FEAR YOU, CUZ IT IS NO MERE DISH, YOU…YOU’RE A THIRD OF MY MEAL.
HIYA.
THEN DO?
WELL, IF I’M ENTITLED TO THREE FINGERS, I’LL GRACIOUSLY PERM... WHAT CAN DO? YOU? ME?
OKAY. HOW IS THIS?
HEY, WHAT THE @#*%IS THAT! SUPPOSED TO MEAN…GOT A HIGHER PIG? I’LL TEACH YOU TO ---
SMACK
WHOP
POW
...STICK WITH ‘HIYA’!

HEY, RAT. IT'S YOUR FAVORITE NEIGHBOR, FLOYD. LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO WATCH THE GIANTS GAME ON MY SIXTY-INCH PLASMA T.V...
AND HEY, IF YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL EVEN LET YOU HAVE SOME OF THE BEER IN MY FRIDGE! HAHAHA!
I KNOW YOU SAW MY BOMB SHELTER, FLOYD, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW RIGHT NOW THAT IF THE END OF THE WORLD COMES, I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN IT.
NO BEER FOR YOU.