Pearls Before Swine | Search

ANYTHING?
NO.
IS THAT IT?
NOPE.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
NOTHING.
ANYTHING?
NOPE.
GREAT PUMPKIN, MY FANNY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
Me celebrating! Rumor is da crocs keel stoopid antelope across street!! HAHAHA... In you face, wussy zeeba! WOOHOOO!!
WHAT'S ALL THE NOISE?
Sign not my idea.

HEY, RAT, LISTEN. PLEASE DON'T ERASE STUFF IN THE COMIC STRIP... IT SORTA DESTROYS THE ILLUSION THAT THIS IS HIS OWN QUASI-REAL WORLD.
THIS FROM THE GIGANTORHEAD EGOMANIAC WHO WALKS IN AND OUT OF HIS OWN COMIC STRIP?
HEY HEY HEY. WATCH WHO YOU'RE CALLING A GIGANTORHEAD EGO --
OHHHH... NOW WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?
WHOA... BIG IMPROVEMENT.
IT'S OKAY, STEPHAN... HEADS ARE OVERRATED.

NUTS! MY MOM'S COMING OVER IN FIVE MINUTES AND I FORGOT TO CLEAN UP MY STUFF.
RELAAAX, LITTLE BUDDY I GOT YOU COVERED.
SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO LIVE IN A COMIC STRIP.
I KINDA WANTED THAT SHOE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
THIS IS BOB... BOB HAS CHOSEN TO LEAD AN INSURRECTION AGAINST MY RULE.
FOR THIS, HE WILL SLEEP WITH THE FISHES... AN EXAMPLE TO ALL...
IT'S HARD TO INTIMIDATE A PEOPLE WHO FLOAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT.
I AM A KING. THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. THEY KNOW THAT UNDER ME, THEIR WELL-BEING IS ASSURED.
WHAT THEY DO NOT KNOW IS THAT TODAY IS 'WHIMSICAL TUESDAY,' WHEN BAD THINGS JUST HAPPEN.
KSSHH
'WHIMSICAL TUESDAYS' ARE A GOOD DAY TO STAY IN BED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM A KING. THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. THEY LOOK TO ME FOR SAFETY AND SECURITY.
I LIKE TO KEEP EXPECTATIONS LOW.

Hey guys... What going on here?
Yo, dude. Just having some friends over for a barbecue. I’d invite you over, but I only have enough for them.
Hey... Dat is no probbum, dude.
LOSER HUMANS
That’s the great part about being a predator, isn’t it? ... You can just go out and kill something for yourself, unlike those dumpy whiny humans who have to go to restaurants for their meat.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A MAGAZINE. I LIKE TO STAY INFORMED ABOUT THE WAR IN IRAQ AND WHY WE'RE FIGHTING THERE.
WHAT MAGAZINE?
'SKY MALL.'
IT'S NOT SUPER INFORMATIVE.

LISTEN, ORVILLE... I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET HAVING TO LIVE WITH STEVE AND HIS NOISY WHEEL, SO I BOUGHT YOU THIS LIL' TYPEWRITER. MAYBE BEING CREATIVE AND WRITING STORIES CAN HELP YOU INDULGE YOUR LITERARY PASSIONS.
SQUEAK
SQUEAK
SQUEAK
SQUEAK
TYPE
TYPE
TYPE
I hate Steve.

BEG YOUR PARDON, GOAT, BUT THIS WAS TO BE MY AUTUMN OF READING FAULKNER, A GOAL IMPEDED BY THE INFERNAL RACKET THAT IS STEVE.
WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M PLEASED YOU ASKED, BECAUSE I BELIEVE I HAVE A COMPROMISE THAT WILL BE ACCEPTABLE TO ALL.
GREAT! WHAT IS IT?
SHIP STEVE TO THE IDITAROD.
SO CLOSE.

Dear Regina,
Please do not break up with me.
I am a good boyfriend.
I am strong.
I am tough.
I am brave.
DUDE, SHOW A LITTLE VULNERABILITY. CHICKS CAN'T RESIST A GUY WHO ADMITS HE HAS SOME WEAK SPOTS.
I have gas.

GOATS HAMSTERS-ORVILLE AND STEVE
BEG YOUR PARDON, GOAT. I DON'T MEAN TO BE A BOTHER, BUT I SIMPLY CANNOT CONCENTRATE WITH THE INFERNAL RACKET THAT IS STEVE.
SORRY, ORVILLE... I'VE ONLY GOT ONE CAGE.
I SEE... WELL PERHAPS YOU COULD LET STEVE RUN FREE THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD... HE SEEMS TO ENJOY THAT.
HE'D BE KILLED IN FIVE MINUTES.
OH, DO HURRY.

HEY THERE, GOAT... WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
MY NEW HAMSTERS, ORVILLE AND STEVE.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK
STEVE RUNS IN HIS WHEEL ALL DAY. ORVILLE JUST TRIES TO NAP.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK
HOW CUTE. DON'T YOU WONDER WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR LI'L HAMSTER HEADS?
KILL STEVE.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK

HELLO THERE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M LOOKING FOR A COLORFUL PAINTING FOR MY BEDROOM.
I SEE...WELL, THERE'S THIS ONE HERE. IT'S CALLED, "THE FERRET'S EYE".
OH, GEE. NO...THOSE COLORS ARE MUCH TOO FAIR. I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING WITH DARKER, RICHER COLORS...OH...WELL...THANKS ANYWAYS.
WAIT WAIT WAIT...DON'T LEAVE. WE HAVE MANY PAINTINGS WITH DARKER HUES. I ASSURE YOU... THIS IS THE ONLY ONE LIKE THIS.
REALLY?
YES...THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TOO FAIR IS "FERRET'S EYE".
SAY YOUR PRAYERS, CARTOONIST BOY.

LOOK, RAT, I GOT US MATCHING "B.F.F." SHIRTS... B.F.F. STANDS FOR "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"...
HAHAHA... WE CAN WEAR THEM TOGETHER.
GIMME THAT.
"I.D.K.T.F.G.?"
"I DON'T KNOW THE FAT GUY."

WHAT ARE YOU READING, DAD?
Ees high school yearbook. Me was Meester Beeg Man on Campus. Every-one respeek me. Dat's why dey all sign yearbook.
"DEAR LARRY...HOPE YOU HAVE A RADICAL SUMMER...TOO BAD YOU'RE TOO LAME TO CATCH A ZEBRA...LOSER!!"
Maybe he talking about deefeerent Larry.

WHAT'S GOING ON, RAT?
SVEN THE VIKING IS RESIGNING FROM VIKINGDOM. IT'S HIS FAREWELL CEREMONY.
GOODBYE, SVEN, YE OF THE WIDE STANCE... YOU HAVE SHAMED VIKINGS EVERYWHERE... BE GONE WITH YE.
AS YE WISH, OLAF. BUT IT'S A LONG JOURNEY... MAY I USE THE FACILITIES FIRST?
I SUPPOSE.
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
NO, YOU MAY NOT TAKE ALONG A BATHROOM BUDDY.

GOOD MORNING... I AM RAT. I HAVE BEEN RETAINED BY SVEN THE VIKING IN THIS MATTER.
MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT! INNOCENT! INNOCENT! INNOCENT!
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
PST
MY CLIENT INFORMS ME THAT HE HAS IN FACT PLED GUILTY.
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
I HAVE INFORMED MY CLIENT THAT HE HAS THE BRAINS OF A SEA SQUIRREL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR... IS THIS YOUR VIKING?
YES, OFFICER. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I CAUGHT HIM IN THE BATHROOM STALL TRYING TO RUB HIS FOOT AGAINST MINE.
I HAVE A WIDE STANCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M FLYING TO A BIG CONVENTION THINGIE AND I'M TAKING ALONG MY VIKING FIGURINES.
TAKING YOUR VIKINGS, HUH? WHAT IS IT, A GUN SHOW? KNIFE SHOW?
LILAC FESTIVAL.
THERE'S A GUY WHO DOESN'T LIKE LILACS.

Danny Donkey hated people.
He made him wait at the supermarket.
He made him wait at the video store.
They made him wait in line at the amusement park.
So Danny Donkey cut the line.
Cut the line at the supermarket.
Cut the line at the amusement park.
Cut the line at the video store.
Why, Danny Donkey cut every line he could find.
But for everything we do, there are consequences. And this was no exception.
For as a result of all his line-cutting, Danny Donkey saw that he had become something he had never been before.
Happy.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A BOOK FOR CHILDREN.
SO, REMEMBER, KIDS, NEVER WAIT YOUR TURN!
WOW! WHAT A TIME-SAVER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M PERFORMING A PUBLIC SERVICE.. THE WORLD CRIES OUT FOR ME.
YOU CANNOT INCREASE THE SIZE OF SOMEONE'S BRAIN.
OH, YOU CAN'T, HUH?.. WELL, LISTEN TO THIS TESTIMONIAL.
I FEEL SMARTERER THAN EVERER!

Hi. Welcome to 'Dullard' Computer's Tech Support Voice-Recognition System. Please state the problem you're having.
MY COMPUTER WON'T BOOT UP.
I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Please say your problem again.
MY COMPUTER… WON'T… BOOT...
Great. So your pooter won't toot. Let's see how we can help.
YOU LITTLE GREK#$@!%&...

HELLO... WELCOME TO "DULLARD COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT... PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE.. YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US...
SO IMPORTANT, IN FACT, THAT WE'LL KEEP YOU ON HOLD FOR FOUR HOURS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY HIRING PEOPLE WHO COULD TAKE YOUR CALL.
AAAAUGHH!!
OH!! YOU SAD POWERLESS LITTLE TROLL...