Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT... ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW... IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU... DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I DO.
CARMEN MIRANDA WARNING.

SOMETIMES WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, I HATE WHO I SEE.
WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I THINK WE'RE ALL A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED WITH WHO WE'VE BECOME...
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO GONNA ORDER?
I CAN’T DECIDE.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT...
THE THREE-EGG OMELETTE.

OKAY, KIDS... FATES CALLING... KNOW THAT YOU WERE LOVED...

OH, MY GOODNESS, NO! I COULD NEVER EAT AN OMELETTE! IT’S GONNA LEAVE A CHICKEN MOTHER SUFFERING FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE... NEVER! NEVER!

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, PIG! IT’S OKAY. NOBODY’S GONNA SUFFER. I’LL TALK TO THE COOK AND TAKE CARE OF THIS.

OH, THANK YOU, RAT! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

...ONE BARBECUED CHICKEN, PLEASE.

DUDE. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP?
I CAN'T SLEEP. I JUST KEEP HAVING THE SAME WORRY OVER AND OVER.
WHAT IS IT?
"CHER" BACKWARDS IS "REHC." AS IN, "I'M GONNA RCHC THE WHOLE STINKIN' WORLD..."
I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.
AND "SONNY BONO" IS "ONOB YNNOS"!!!
OH GAAAAND NOOOOOOOO!!!
WAIT...WAIT...WHAT'S AN "ONOB YNNOS"...?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH MY OWN PERSONAL MOTTO... SOMETHING I CAN LIVE BY.
OH, I HAVE A FEW... "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF--" "LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU--" "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE..." WHAT DID YOU WRITE?
"CRUSH THE LITTLE PEOPLE."
I'M TRYING TO BE REALISTIC.

IN THE OLD DAYS, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE, YOU HAD TO HANG UP THE PHONE ON THEM.
THEN CAME THE ANSWERING MACHINE, WHICH ALLOWED YOU TO HEAR THE PERSON'S VOICE BEFORE TALKING TO THEM, SO YOU COULD DECIDE IF YOU EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO THEM.
THEN CAME CALLER I.D., WHICH LET YOU SEE WHO WAS CALLING WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO HEAR HIS VOICE.
WITH EACH NEW ADVANCE, IT SEEMS TECHNOLOGY PUTS MORE AND MORE DISTANCE BETWEEN US AND OTHER PEOPLE.
I ASK YOU... IS THIS THE DREAM?
IT WOULD SEEM SO.
YOU'RE RIGHT...
THAT BOT WOULD BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH. INSTEAD, SOCIETY IS MAKING GREAT STRIDES IN INCLUDING.
NO OFFENSE.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, SAYS
YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GUY WHO
WOULD QUESTION HIS CREDIBILITY,
FORCING HIM TO BEAT YOU ABOUT
THE HEAD... IS PEPITO TELLING ME
THE TRUTH?
GEE... I DON'T THINK SO.
... BEHOLD. A PROPHET.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, SAYS YOU SHOVED HIM IGNOMINIOUSLY INTO THE WASH WITH THE OTHER SOCKS.
HE WAS DIRTY.
LISTEN TO ME... VEEERY CAREFULLY. PEPITO IS SOCK ROYALTY. HE DOES NOT MINGLE WITH THE PLEBEIANS. HE DOES NOT BATHE WITH THE UNWASHED MASSES. YOUR OFFENSE IS SERIOUS. BESEECH PEPITO FOR FORGIVENESS AND PRAY FOR A MERCIFUL JUDGMENT.
FORGIVE ME, PEPITO. I MEANT NO HARM.
BAD NEWS.

WHO'S AT
THE FRONT
DOOR?
YOUR CROCODILE
NEIGHBORS... THEY'RE
BOBBING FOR APPLES
AND WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU'D JOIN THEM.
PIG... ONE OF THOSE CROCODILES
IS WAITING AT THE BOTTOM
OF THAT WATER... IF I STICK
MY HEAD IN THERE, HE'LL
BITE IT AND THEY'LL EAT
ME AND I'LL DIE.
IS THAT A NO?

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR JIM... WHY THE LONG FACE?
I WANT TO QUIT MY STUPID JOB, BUT I CAN'T... I HAVE A WIFE, TWO KIDS AND DEBT UP TO MY EARS.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DRESSING UP AS A GRAPEFRUIT AND PROCLAIMING "JIM THE GRAPEFRUIT DAY"?
I'D BE LIKE "YAAAAAY, JIM THE GRAPEFRUIT! YAAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAAAY!"
YOU'D MAKE A VERY DEPRESSING GRAPEFRUIT.

Hulloooo, Zeeba neighba... Leesten...
Yestaday, Cousin Jeeny die when choke on antylope bone. We want raise money preent pamphlet say, "Chew you Antylope Carefully..." Mebbe you help... Give donashun.
WHAT? Those ANTELOPES just MOVED IN YESTERDAY AND YOU'VE ALREADY EATEN ONE?? How 'BOUT I WRITE MY OWN PAMPHLET FOR CROCODILES TITLED, "I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON EVERYTHING YOU EAT, YOU STUPID, HEARTLESS EVIL MURDERERS!"
Sound like we no on same page.

WELL, HELLO...YOU MUST BE ZEBRA. I'M BOB THE ANTELOPE...MYSELF JUST MOVED IN TWO DOORS DOWN.
HI, BOB...NICE TO MEET YOU. HAVE YOU BY CHANCE TALKED TO ANY OF OUR OTHER NEIGHBORS?
WELL, THE HENDERSONS CALLED. THEY SEEM LIKE VERY NICE PEOPLE...IN FACT, THEY EVEN INVITED US OVER TO THEIR POOL PARTY.
THE HENDERSONS? I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD ANY PEOPLE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NAMED THE "HENDERSONS".
AH, I REMEMBAH, EET BAG BREAK PLAY DUMM!!

Hullo? Yoo, zeeba neighba... lesten. We want you meet wife, Debbie... She a new crocky-dile mom lift-to-neek dee bees wonda that not all crockydees ees destroyahs of life.. Some ees good moms dat love preshis keeds....
HMMMM...YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED SOMETHING ABOUT CROCODILE MOTHERS... IS IT TRUE THAT RIGHT AFTER YOUR CHILDREN ARE BORN, YOU KEEP THEM IN YOUR MOUTH TO PROTECT THEM FROM PREDATORS?
HAHAHAHA!! Eesn't dat aMAYSeng??... Way to go, Debbie!!!... Way to go!!!
Ees okay... We make more.

LOOK AT THAT MORON ACROSS THE STREET. HE PAINTED HIS HOUSE BRIGHT PURPLE.
WHO'S HE THINK HE IS?... PRINCE? LIKE I WANT TO LOOK AT A PURPLE HOUSE.
THEN THERE'S THAT FATHEAD WITH THE BARKING POODLE. AND THE JERKFACE WITH THE CAR ALARM. AND THE LARD KING WHO CAN'T BE TROUBLED TO MOW HIS LAWN MORE THAN ONCE A MILLWENUM.
WHOEVER SAID "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR" NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THE IDIOTS THAT LIVE ON OUR BLOCK.

HEY THERE, BULL...
HOW GOES IT?
NOT TOO GOOD...
I HAVE TO GO TO
MADRID NEXT
WEEK FOR THE
BULLFIGHTS.
YOU KNOW, EVERY BULLFIGHT ENDS WITH THE BULL BEING KILLED...
SO THE ODDS ARE A LITTLE BIT AGAINST YOU.
I'M EVENING THE ODDS.
HEY, NOW...
THAT'S
A SPORT.

Okay, Zeeba neighba... Leesten... We crocsylides try eetz you for survive.
You selfish pig and say no... Now we hire guy named Bob. Bob beg~time media consultant... We pay heem lots.
He make us do protest... Now, media come... Bring shame on you head.
YEAH, WELL THE NEXT TIME YOU ORGANIZE A BIG PROTEST, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY WRITING ON THE SIGNS...
...Mebbe we owahpay Bob.

WHERE DO PICKLES COME FROM?
THEY COME FROM CUCUMBERS.
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
WELL, IF A CUCUMBER FALLS BEHIND IN HIS GAMBLING DEBTS, THEY DUMP HIM IN VINEGAR SOLUTION AND WATCH HIM SHRIVEL UP... SAD, ISN'T IT?..
RUN, YOU LEGLESS FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE GREEN THING RUN!!
IF YOUR FRIEND SPILLS OUT ONE MORE PICKLE JAR, I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
CALM DOWN, HE'S JUST OUT OF HIS GOURD.

HulloOOOO, zeeba neighba... Leesten! Today beeg day fo'h crockydiles... Ees "Marshnall Keel-A-Zeeba Day"...
No press has bad news foh you, but dat ees way cookie crumble.
Well, that's odd, because my calendar says it's "All-Crocodiles-Are-Uncivilized-Neanderthals-Who-Could-Lose-To-A-Waffle-Iron-In-Trivial-Pursuit-And-Should-Therefore-Starve-To-Death-Day"...
I guess we have a conflict...
Me bet his calenda'h no reelly say dat.

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT THE WORLD LEADERS YOU THINK ARE IN CHARGE AREN'T REALLY IN CHARGE AND THAT THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE? SOME ALL-POWERFUL BEING WHO OPERATES BEHIND THE SCENES AND SECRETLY MANIPULATES EVERYTHING?
I THINK IT'S CHER.
YOU AND I COULD HAVE A MUCH MORE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION IF YOU'D JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
FORGIVE HIM, CHER... HE KNOWETH NOTETH WHAT HE SAYETH...

HEY, WHERE YOU TAKING ME?
I'M PUTTING YOU WITH THE REST OF THE "NO REPROS"...HERE THEY ARE. YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT I'M NO LONGER ALLOWING THEM TO REPRODUCE.
YEAH, I'M CONCEITED. AFTER I GET MONEY OUT OF AN A.T.M., I USE THE LITTLE A.T.M. SHELF TO ORGANIZE MY CHECKBOOK, BECAUSE I CAN'T CONCEIVE OF THE FACT THAT OTHERS MIGHT WANT TO USE THE A.T.M.
AND I'M NICK. I PEPPER EVERYTHING I SAY WITH FAMOUS MOVIE QUOTES BECAUSE I THINK IT MAKES ME LOOK CLEVER AND HIP.
THIS IS STUPID. AS THOUGH MARKING THEM "NO REPRO" AND STICKING THEM HERE IN A DUMB SHIRT COULD STOP ME FROM REPRODUCING. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY YOU COULD ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT...
AND HERE'S LARRY. I PRESS THE ELEVATOR FLOOR BUTTON EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALREADY LIT. I THINK WE'LL GET THERE FASTER.
...HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

I SURE AM GLAD TO HEAR THE "FAMILY CIRCUS" THING ENDED SO WELL.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY...THE F.B.I. ARRESTED THE ENTIRE FAMILY FOR HARBORING A TERRORIST.
BUT THEY'RE ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED FAMILIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMICS PAGE. THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
WELL, THEY DID...AND JUDGING BY WHERE THEY SENT THEM, THEY MAY BE GONE AWHILE...
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THIS SHOULD GIVE US A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW MATERIAL.

DUDE... THE F.B.I. RAIDED THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE AND FOUND BIN LADEN.
HOW'D THEY KNOW HE WAS THERE?
I GUESS SOMEONE REPORTED SEEING HIM DOWNTOWN WITH ONE OF THE KIDS AND THE FEDS JUST FOLLOWED THEM BACK TO THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE.
BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO HARD TO FOLLOW.
"Curse you, little Billy."

DUDE DUDE DUDE... I WAS RIGHT. I JUST DISCOVERED THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IN THIS COUNTRY AND IS LIVING IN THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS'.
HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
I WAS WATCHING BIN LADEN'S LATEST VIDEOTAPED MESSAGE AND I SAW JEFFY AND DOLLY RUN BY IN THE BACKGROUND.
WHY DOESN'T THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' FAMILY TURN HIM IN?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS! THEY'RE LOCKED IN SOME PAST ERA THAT HAS ALMOST NO CONNECTION TO PRESENT TIMES!

I HEAR YOU THINK OSAMA BIN LADEN SNUCK INTO THIS COUNTRY AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT AND IS LIVING WITH SOME OUT-OF-TOUCH FAMILY THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
YEP.
BUT HOW CAN THAT BE? ... WOULDN'T THEIR RESPECTIVE CULTURES COLLIDE?
COLLIDE HOW?

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT... YOU THINK OSAMA BIN LADEN SLIPPED INTO THIS COUNTRY AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT AND IS PRESENTLY LIVING WITH SOME CLUELESS AMERICAN FAMILY THAT HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS ?
YEAH. AND MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT HE'LL TRY TO INDOCTRINATE THE CHILDREN.
INDOCTRINATE THEM HOW ?
... AND WHEN YOUR FATHER LEAVES FOR WORK, WE GIVE HIM HUGS AND KISSES. WE DO NOT CALL HIM 'THE GREAT SATAN' AND PLACE A FATWA UPON HIS HEAD.