Editor’s Note:
Stephan Pastis is on vacation today. Filling in for him is his childhood friend, John Patzakis.
My name is John Patzakis. I have known Stephan since first grade.
His humor desperately punctures some kind and good soul, and he cannot seem to STOP. First, it was in the third grade when he whipped me with a towel after swimming in a YMCA pool. It was humiliating. Plus, when I got home, my mom didn’t believe my story.
NO ONE LIKES HIM!
You may ask, "Then why do you remain friends?" Simple answer. I feel sorry for his parents.
You see, growing up, Stephan was a skinny, obnoxious loser with super white teeth. Absolutely no focus in life. NONE.
He never made it onto his grade school sports team the first go round.
He tried out for a cross country and golf, which IS a sport, you know. Only to end up with long toenails and a mouthful of braces.
He played with Tsar Wars’ dolls and literally would press me at times to kiss a girl until college. (That’s when before kissing my wife.)
Well, That’s all I can think of for now. If it got real quiet in here, I’ll just stroke the keyboard until I’ve caused Stephan told me I could share this AGAIN.
BYE, BYE…
I DON’T THINK I’LL HAVE JOHN DO THIS AGAIN.