Pearls Before Swine | Search

...AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, RIGHT? SO HE SAYS TO HER BLAH BLAH BLAH. BUT I TELL HIM, HEY, LISTEN, PAL, BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND HE KNOWS I'M RIGHT, SO HE BLAH BLAH BLAH
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE LABORING UNDER THE MISCONCEPTION THAT I CAME TO THIS RESTAURANT TO HEAR YOU TALK. SADLY, I DID NOT. SO PLEASE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR BLOATED EGO, SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH.
... THE KEY IS TO BE POLITE, YET FIRM.

HEY, TIMMY PANCAKE! HOW GOES IT?
BAD, PIG. ALL I EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS A HOME AND MAYBE THE CHANCE TO MEET PANCAKES FROM OTHER COUNTRIES. BUT NOW, I'M HOMELESS, ALONE AND JUST FIGHTING TO KEEP FROM BEING SOME IDIOT'S BREAKFAST...
TIMMY! I JUST THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU! I DRIVE BY IT EVERY DAY! OH, GEE, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS SOONER?
REALLY? TELL ME! TELL ME! I'LL GO THERE RIGHT NOW!
DUUUDE, LOOK WHAT WAS IN MY PANCAKES.
...GROSS, DUDE. GET A REFUND.
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

LOOKS LIKE YOUR PAL, THE GUARD DUCK, GOT ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK.
ROBBING A BANK?? HOW CAN THAT BE?
I DUNNO, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING OUT ON BAIL....
FLIGHT RISK? ME? PSHAW.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUARD DUCK YOU HIRED TO PROTECT OUR HOUSE?
I HAD TO FIRE HIM WHEN HE STOLE THE NEIGHBOR'S INFLATABLE POOL.
SO WHAT'S HE UP TO NOW?
I DUNNO, BUT WHEN I FIRED HIM, I GAVE HIM A REAL STERN LECTURE... I THINK IT REALLY STRAIGHTENED HIM OUT....
YOU HEARD HIM, BOB... JUST HAND OVER THE BAG AND OUT HE WADDLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT 24 MILLION PEOPLE VOTED IN THE 2003 AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION, WHICH IS ALMOST HALF THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST FOR THE WINNER OF THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SO"? WE'RE VALUING A SINGING CONTEST ALMOST AS HIGHLY AS WE DO THE LEADERSHIP OF OUR COUNTRY... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MORE PEOPLE NEED TO VOTE IN THE AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION?
NEVER MIND.
PERSONALLY, I NEVER GOT OVER THE CLAY AIKEN FIASCO.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE ...
OH, GREAT.
NO MAN IS FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN UNLESS HE WANTS TO HOOK UP WITH HER. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE.
ARE YOU DONE?
NO. I HAVE ANOTHER TRUISM TO DECLARE. EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE'S THE ONE EXCEPTION WHO IS SOMEBODY'S FRIEND.
SHE IS WRONG.
ALRIGHT. THAT DOES IT. LISTEN, RAT ... JUST BECAUSE SHADOW LITTLE YOU HAS NO FRIENDS WITH WOMEN DOESN'T MEAN OTHER GUYS CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH WOMEN.
I'LL GRANT YOU THAT THERE MAY NOT BE A LOT OF THEM, BUT BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE SOME UNIQUE MEN OUT THERE WHO GENUINELY LIKE HAVING PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS WITH WOMEN.
ALRIGHT ... I SHALL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR THEM.
YES ... EUNUCH MEN ARE AN EXCEPTION.
NEVER MIND.
POOR, POOR EUNUCH MEN.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE SECONDHAND STORE.
TO GET WHAT?
A SECOND HAND. IT BROKE.
I WEEP FOR YOUR OFFSPRING.

WELL IF IT’S NOT ONE OF ZEBRA’S CROC NEIGHBORS... WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
Me have job inter-view. Me no can catch food, so me need money to buy.
DO YOU HAVE A RESUMÉ LISTING ALL YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?
You bet me does... look.
Me no gud at nuthin,
YOU MAY WANT TO BEEF THIS UP A BIT.
Mmmmmmm...
Beeeeef...

HEY...WHAT'S YOUR HURRY, PIG?
SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME CHIPS.
HI, RAT...DON'T MIND IF I DO...I WAS JUST OFF TO VISIT MY NEW BUDDY...
WHO'S YOUR NEW BUDDY?
BENNY THE AVOCADO...HE'S THE KINDEST, MOST SENSITIVE AVOCADO I'VE EVER MET...OUR FRIENDSHIP IS REALLY GROWING...
YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE GUACAMOLE DIP.

SNOFF SNRK HEH HEH
THAT'S ONE SAD DEER.

BEHOLD! THE "SUPER STICK O' SMARTNESS"! A BIG, LONG STICK I USE TO HIT STUPID PEOPLE IN THE HEAD AND THEREBY MAKE THEM SMART.
You don't make stupid people smart by hitting them in the head with a stick.
OH?...AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION FOR MAKING STUPID PEOPLE SMART?
YES. BOOKS. BOOKS MAKE STUPID PEOPLE SMART.

WHAT'S THAT THING ?
IT'S THE 'SUPER STICK O'SMARTNESS'... WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE STUPID, I SNEAK UP BEHIND THEM AND STRIKE THEM OVER THE HEAD.
AND THAT MAKES THEM SMARTER ?
NO... BUT IT DOES MAKE THEM SMART.
I'M SO CONFUSED.
QUICK !! LOOK OVER THERE !!

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHILE MOST PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY SPEND MORE THAN THEY MAKE, PEOPLE IN CHINA EARN JUST A FEW DOLLARS A DAY AND SOMEHOW MANAGE TO SAVE FIFTY PERCENT OF THEIR INCOME?
ADDED TO THIS IS THE FACT THAT CHINA IS BUILDING ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST MANUFACTURING BASES AT A TIME WHEN THIS COUNTRY IS SHIPPING ITS MANUFACTURING BASE OVERSEAS.
MEANWHILE, AS THIS COUNTRY IMPLODES DUE TO A HUGE CHUNK OF ITS RESOURCE BUILDING SCHOOLS AND SEWERS IN IRAQ, CHINA IS SPENDING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IMPROVING ITS AIR DEFENSE SYSTEM, DEVELOPING MISSILES TO BE PERUDED INTERNATION... A NATION WE'RE PLEDGED TO DEFEND.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE A 'CHICKEN LITTLE' HERE, BUT, MAAN, ISN'T THAT ALL A little WORRISOME?
DID YOU NOT APPRECIATE THIS WEEK?
DID I? OF COURSE I DID!
I SEE YOU'RE QUITE CONCERNED!
DUDE! YOU CHECK THIS OUT! NO ONE LOOKING? YOU'RE FIRED! HAHAHAHA
NO NO NO NO WAIT!!! NO NO LOOKIT ME! YOU'RE FIRED! HAHAHA

Hullooo, Zeeba neighba...Jeeesten...Me see you eeting dinnah... Because me you frend, me hum nice soothing dinnah music... Peese enjoy... Duh dum...Duh dum. Duh dum... Duh dum... Duh dum Duh dum DuhDuhDuh.... Duh dum..Duh dums
I DO NOT FIND THE THEME FROM "JAWS" SOOTHING.
Oh.

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH HARRIET BEAVER TODAY... I GUESS SHE AND HER HUSBAND, PETEY POSSUM, ARE REALLY HAVING PROBLEMS. I THINK SHE REGRETS MARRYING OUTSIDE HER SPECIES.
WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM?
WELL, WHENEVER HARRIET NEEDS HELP AROUND THE HOUSE, PETEY'S CONVENIENTLY "UNAVAILABLE."
UNAVAILABLE HOW?
CAN'T SWEEP. DEAD.
STUPID POSSUM.

JOE'S HANDYMAN SERVICE... JOE SPEAKING.
YEAH, HI... I HAVE A DOGGY DOOR IN MY BACKDOOR THAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER HAD INSTALLED AND I'D LIKE TO GET RID OF IT.
WELL... GENERALLY, THAT MEANS YOU'RE LOOKING AT A WHOLE NEW DOOR, AND THAT CAN RUN YOU ANYWHERE FROM SIX TO EIGHT HUNDRED BUCKS.
IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.
PUSH, JOJO, PUUUSH!
ME GEEVE UP NOW, TED... YOU BUTT JUST WAY TOO BEEG.

HEY, LOOK, RAT... IT'S PETEY SPIDER!
HIYA, RAT! HIYA, PIG!
I WANT YOU TO MEET
SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL
TO ME... THIS IS LAVERNA.
LAVERNA IS THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE... MY
SOUL MATE... AND WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED!!
YO, DUDE. YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
A BLACK WIDOW. AFTER
YOU MATE, SHE'LL KILL YOU.
THEN SHE'LL EAT YOU.
I MEANT TO SAY
SOMETHING.

THIS JUST IN FROM OUR COLLEAGUE, GOAT... THE INTERNET HAS USES OTHER THAN LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF HOT WOMEN.
DETAILS AS EVENTS WARRANT.

LOOK AT THIS... THE MOST POPULAR SEARCHES
ON "GOOGLE" IN 2004 WERE "BRITNEY
SPEARS," "PARIS HILTON," AND "CHRISTINA
AGUILERA." SO HERE WE HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL INFORMATION TOOL IN MANKIND'S
HISTORY, AND WHAT DO WE USE IT FOR?...
LOOKING UP PICTURES OF HOT WOMEN.
WOOHOO!
I MEAN... HOW DISTURBING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY.
AHHH... NO. NO. THE 1600s.
NO. THAT'S THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY.
NO, PIG. THAT'S THE 1600S.
NO, MORON... YEARS BEGINNING WITH SIXTEEN CANNOT BE THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY... YEARS BEGINNING WITH SEVENTEEN ...
HA! YOU FOOL! I THINK YOU SHOULD RUN IN A LOGICAL CONUNDRUM AND NOT MAKE YOU FOR YOUR NOOD...
OUCH... WORD BAD...
IF THE YEARS 1600 TO 1699 WERE IN THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY, AND A CENTURY HAS ONLY 100 YEARS, THERE'D BE NO ROOM LEFT FOR THE YEARS 1517 TO 1599, THEY'D CEASE TO EXIST, AND EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED DURING THOSE YEARS WOULD BE GONE! MY GOD, THERE'D BE NO....NO...
YOU... YOU... ARE... THE... BIGGEST...
B... B... B... BWAH... BWAH...
WHERE... WHERE... MY... MY... MY...
EURLRRWHUUHK!!!
BLOI...
ICK... ICK... ICK!!!
POOR GUY HAS TROUBLE ADMITTING MISTAKES.
NO NO NO ... NO ...
HULA HOOP?

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR ?
YES. I'M LOOKING FOR A GUN... MY NEIGHBOR IS REALLY ANNOYING ME AND I JUST WANT TO POP HIM IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
...THESE NEW GUN LAWS ARE WAY TOO RESTRICTIVE.

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.
HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL..
ALL THE KINGS' HORSES
AND ALL THE KINGS' MEN
COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN."
"SCRAMBLED OR OMELETTE WAS THE CHOICE.
"I LOVE THE TASTE," YELLED SOMEBODY'S VOICE.
"HIS DEATH WAS NOT KIND,"
CRIED ONE OF THE MEN,
"BUT I'D SMASH THAT EGG ALL OVER AGAIN."
THE UNKNOWN SECOND VERSE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M PIG, FOUNDER OF 'PIGS FOR FIGS,' A NON-PROFIT GROUP DEDICATED TO THE PROTECTION AND SUPPORT OF FIGS AND THEIR CULTURE... CARE TO SPONSOR AN UNDERPRIVILEGED FIG ?
CHOMP
CHOMP
MUNCH
MUNCH
CHOMP
I BELIEVE THIS VIOLATES OUR MISSION STATEMENT.

LOOK AT THIS... I JUST BOUGHT A
HAMMER AND THE STUPID THING HAS
A WARNING LABEL THAT SAYS "STRIKING
YOURSELF IN THE HEAD COULD CAUSE
SERIOUS INJURY OR EVEN DEATH."
HAVE WE REALLY REACHED SUCH A
POINT IN OUR COUNTRY THAT WE
NOW MUST BE WARNED ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF STRIKING OURSELVES
IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER?
Wait wait wait...Frank, look,

DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR GALAXY AND THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY ARE MOVING TOWARD EACH OTHER AT A SPEED OF 320,000 MILES PER HOUR AND WILL COLLIDE IN ABOUT THREE BILLION YEARS?
HOPE YOU DIDN'T TELL PIG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH TELLING PIG?
SOMETIMES HE HAS TROUBLE CONCEPTUALIZING BIG NUMBERS.
I LOVED YOU ALL.