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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TASTING A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT WINES, AND IN BETWEEN I'M MAKING SURE TO CLEANSE MY PILOT.
THE WORD IS 'PALATE', NOT 'PILOT.'
YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
YOU CAN GO HOME NOW, LARRY.

I FEEL VERY WELL INFORMED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE EVERY DAY I READ THE WEB LOGS OF INFORMATIONAL TOTAL STRANGERS.
I WATCH THE MOST INTIMATE SCENES FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.
I KNOW WHAT QUENTIN TARANTINO EATS FOR BREAKFAST AND WHAT UMA THURMAN EATS FOR LUNCH.
ISN'T IT GREAT TO LIVE IN AN INFORMATION AGE WHERE EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE IS IMMEDIATELY KNOWN?
HEY, RAT.. HEY, PIG..
HEY! YOU... YOU... MAN... PERSON...
...GUY... YOU...
BOB.. NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR FOR ELEVEN YEARS.
OHHHHH... THE MORON WITH THE BARKING DOG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE POSITIVE HEALTH EFFECTS OF SPRINKLING THYME ON YOUR FOOD... SO I BORROWED A BOTTLE OF IT FROM OUR NEIGHBOR.
BUT YOU'RE USING WAY TOO MUCH.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH. IN FACT, IT'S PRACTICALLY ALL I EAT NOW..!
BUT THAT'S CRAZY. YOU'RE JUST ... YOU'RE JUST ...
... LIVING ON BORROWED THYME.
THIS COMIC STRIP HAS NO SHAME.

OKAY, YOU BEASTS. I JUST FOUND AN ANTELOPE SKULL IN MY BACKYARD AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO THREW IT THERE.
Probably Home Depot guy... they do dat kinda stuff all da time.
LISTEN, GUYS... HOME DEPOT DOES NOT RANDOMLY TOSS ANTELOPE SKULLS INTO PEOPLE'S YARDS. WHERE WOULD THEY EVEN GET AN ANTELOPE SKULL?
Oh no... Mebbe dey steal from secret stash of captered prey we hide een unlocked garden shed so zebra no can find dem.
...What you know? He find.

HI THERE, SIR. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.
HI.. I’M TIM. I’M FROM MISSOURI.
MISSOURI, HUH ? WELL, DOWN YOU GO! ...
...MISSOURI'S THE 'SHOW ME' STATE...
NOT THE 'SHOVE ME' STATE.
SORRY.

AWW... ISN'T THAT SWEET...
A CUTE LI'L SQUIRREL...
I'LL FEED HIM SOME PEANUTS.
THEN A MIGHTY ANGEL PICKED UP A BOULDER THE SIZE OF A LARGE MILLSTONE AND THREW IT INTO THE SEA, AND SAID, "WITH SUCH VIOLENCE THE GREAT CITY OF BABYLON WILL BE THROWN DOWN."
PLEASE DON'T FEED THE APOCALYPTIC SQUIRRELS
WHO KNEW?
SORRY, DUDE. DIDN'T KNOW.
WOE! WOE O' GREAT CITY!
GO AWAY,
LITTLE APOCALYPTIC SQUIRREL... GO AWAY.

...AND SO, RAT AND PIG...THIS IS MY DEN. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
WOW, DUDE, LOOK AT THOSE HUGE ANTLERS...THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
YEAH, NEIGHBOR TED...THAT IS IMPRESSIVE...WHAT'S IN THE OTHER ROOM?
IT'S NOT AS IMPRESSIVE.

I'M HUNGRY. I'LL COOK THE EGGS AND YOU COOK THE BACON.
HEEEEY... "HAPPY FARMS BACON... EXPIRATION 9/26/05." THIS MUST BE JOSH AND BEN.
WHO ARE JOSH AND BEN?
THEY'RE MY COUSINS. WELL, WERE MY COUSINS. UNTIL THEY BECAME... THIS.
PLEASE DON'T PUT ME ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH MY BREAKFAST.
WHOA... AND THERE'S UNCLE MIKE... NO WONDER HE STOPPED CALLING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEETHOVEN?
I AM TRYING TO WRITE THIS "FUR ELISE" PIECE. BUT I CANNOT GET IT RIGHT! NOT AT ALL!!! AND THE WORK, IT IS KILLING ME!! ARGH, WHAT IS THE USE?? I QUIT!!!
BEETHOVEN, NO! YOU CANNOT QUIT NOW. BUT YOUR WORK IS BELOVED BY ALL...
OH, SURE, THEY LOVE IT NOW. BUT WHAT ABOUT IN 200 YEARS???
THEY WILL STILL LOVE IT.
YEAH. BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT WILL STILL BE USED AS THE MUSIC FOR...
THEN I SHALL CARRY ON! THROUGH THE TOIL AND THE AGONY AND THE SWEAT AND THE TEARS...!! I SHALL PRODUCE THIS WORK AS MY GIFT TO THOSE PEOPLE!! MAY THEY FOREVER SAVOR EACH AND EVERY NOTE OF THIS, MY ARDUOUS LABOR!!!
... SO I CAN HEAR THAT ONLY A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE WILL KNOW IT... AND THAT IT IS USED ONLY TO HELP TEACH KIDS THE COMPOSER... AND TO ADVERTISE "THE NUMBER..."
HEY, DUDE. YOU DIP CELS RIGHTEOUS.
STUPID NUMBER.
<INSERTED NOTES ON PANEL>

BOY!
WHAT?
NOTHIN'.
BOY!
... THE 'WOLF WHO CRIES BOY' IS VERY ANNOYING...
WHAT NOW?

So, mister... Crocodile. I understand this is your first visit to a psychiatrist... What brings you in here?
Me total loser. Need help.
Well, listen, right off the bat, I'm going to caution you against calling yourself such schoolyard names. As a mental health professional, I assure you that no sentient being is ever a "loser." We are all living, breathing souls in need of warmth, comfort and loving acceptance.
You sound like loser, too.

PIIING...
COME WITH ME TO THE LAND OF NEVERLAND WHERE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GROW UP.
TINKERBELL!! IT'S YOU! IT'S YOU! OH, JOY! OH, JOY!
SPLAT
WHOA... THAT FLY WAS HUUUUGE.

BILLS.. JUNK MAIL.. BILLS.. UHH.. SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE NAMED "PETEY"
PETEY? PETEY?? I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK FOR THAT!! THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR PETEY THE PARTY PERSON! HE'S HAVING A HUGE PARTY AND EVERYONE ON THE BLOCK'S BEEN INVITED EXCEPT ME.. BUT A-HA!! MY INVITATION HAD JUST GOTTEN LOST IN THE MAIL, AND NOW IT'S HERE.. YIPPEE.. READ IT!
"DEAR PIG,
YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO MY PARTY.
P.S. JUST THOUGHT I'D SEND THIS IN CASE YOU'D THOUGHT ABOUT SHOWING UP, WHICH WOULD BE A BIG MISTAKE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT INVITED."

Hulooog, zeeba neighba. Leesten. Me want you meet new guy. He Fat Fred.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD TROUBLE CATCHING PREY.
We does... Dat is why so many brudders not in house anymore. Dey move out to find food udder places. Fred here is guy we hire to help dem move safely.
Ees gud job.
Sadly, no one dat leave send postcahd.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID PIG?... YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR BREAKFAST.
I KNOW...I'M JUST SAYING A LITTLE PRAYER FOR MY LATE AUNT TODDY.
YOUR AUNT TODDY DIED? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WELL...SHE'S NOT MOVING.
I REALLY WISH YOU'D SKIP THE SAUSAGE.

Editor’s Note:
Stephan Pastis is on vacation today. Filling in for him is his childhood friend, John Patzakis.
My name is John Patzakis. I have known Stephan since first grade.
His humor desperately punctures some kind and good soul, and he cannot seem to STOP. First, it was in the third grade when he whipped me with a towel after swimming in a YMCA pool. It was humiliating. Plus, when I got home, my mom didn’t believe my story.
NO ONE LIKES HIM!
You may ask, "Then why do you remain friends?" Simple answer. I feel sorry for his parents.
You see, growing up, Stephan was a skinny, obnoxious loser with super white teeth. Absolutely no focus in life. NONE.
He never made it onto his grade school sports team the first go round.

He tried out for a cross country and golf, which IS a sport, you know. Only to end up with long toenails and a mouthful of braces.
He played with Tsar Wars’ dolls and literally would press me at times to kiss a girl until college. (That’s when before kissing my wife.)
Well, That’s all I can think of for now. If it got real quiet in here, I’ll just stroke the keyboard until I’ve caused Stephan told me I could share this AGAIN.

BYE, BYE…
I DON’T THINK I’LL HAVE JOHN DO THIS AGAIN.

I GOT AN
E-MAIL FROM MY
INTERNET
PEN-PAL.
I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU
HAD AN
INTERNET
PEN-PAL.
YEAH, I SEND OUT
ALL THESE E-MAILS
TO PEOPLE, AND HE'S
THE ONLY GUY WHO'S
COURTEOUS ENOUGH
TO RESPOND.
WHAT'S HIS
NAME ?
MAILER
DAEMON.
...ON THE DOWNSIDE, HE'S
A TAD REPETITIVE.

WELL, WHADDYA KNOW...IT'S NEIGHBOR TED, THE PERSONAL TRAINER.
HEY THERE, PIG...WHEN ARE YOU GONNA START WORKING OUT WITH ME?
GEE, TED. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. YOU'D IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH AND YOU COULD DEVELOP GREAT BICEPS, GREAT ABS, AND A GREAT REAR END, TO BOOT.
THANKS, TED, BUT I GET KICKED ENOUGH IN THE BUTT ALREADY.
GEE...IMAGINE THAT.

sam's seafood CRAB FEED
FEED ME
bummer

HEY THERE, JIMMY CRAB! WHAT'S WITH THE FORK AND KNIFE?
HIYA, PIG, GEE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT. I'M GOING TO THIS PLACE DOWNTOWN WHERE PEOPLE ARE GONNA PAY $20 FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF FEEDING ME. I SAW A SIGN PROMOTING IT IN THEIR WINDOW.
GEE, JIMMY, WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
WHO KNOWS? I GUESS THEY'RE NATURE LOVERS OR SOMETHING AND JUST WANT THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING HOW CRABS EAT. BUT I GOTTA RUN! I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE!
HAVE FUN, JIMMY.

...AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION THAT THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS IS DALLAS.
DUDE, THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS IS AUSTIN, AND HERE'S AN ATLAS TO PROVE IT...
HE LOST FACE.

BEHOLD! THE "TOWEL O' SILENCE"! I AM NOW IMMUNE TO THE BLABBERING OF IDIOTS.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WHEN IDIOTS BLABBER, I SHOVE THIS TOWEL IN THEIR MOUTH. THE BLABBERING STOPS, AND I AM PLEASED.
BUT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE TALK... IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
I SEE OUR APPROACH VARIES.

HEY PIG, WHAT'S THAT THING, RAT?
WELL, SINCE IVE ALWAYS COMPLAINED ABOUT HAVING TO LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF IDIOTS I THOUGHT ID DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT… HENCE, THIS…
THE "BALL O' SPLENDID ISOLATION"
YES. ITS A SELF-CONTAINED ORB-SHAPED DOME… ONCE INSIDE, I CANT SEE OR HEAR PEOPLE… I CANT HEAR OTHER PEOPLE… IT'S 100% MORON FREE.
AH CONTRAIRE YOU LARD-FILLED IGNORAMUS… I'VE GOT MY IPOD, PASTA, BEER AND CABLE.
IN SHORT, I HAVE ACHIEVED THE CLOSEST THING TO NIRVANA THAT ONE CAN ACHIEVE WHILE ALIVE. NOW STAND ASIDE AND SAY, "GOODBYE, FOUL WORLD."
...DUUUUDE… THAT ROCKS.
YEAH… MAD PROPS TO YOU, LITTLE DUDE.
DUUUUDE… IT ROLLS.
HEH… LIKE NO DISRESPECT, DUDE.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, HAS HAD
INSUFFICIENT SLEEP AND HAS BE-
COME DELUSIONAL. HE NOW
BELIEVES HE IS CHRISSIE HYNDE.
PLEASE GIVE MS. HYNDE THE
RESPECT SHE DESERVES.
I GOT BRASS IN POCKET,
GOT BOTTLE... AH'M
GONNA USE IT...
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?...
I'M TRYING TO READ THE
NEWSPAPER.
YOU'VE ANGERED MS. HYNDE.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT... ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW... IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU... DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I DO.
CARMEN MIRANDA WARNING.