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Hullo, frend.
Is you tired? Bored? Got lots of probums? Well now there is solution--Ees da revolusionary FOOD-A-MATIC!
Wild Food-a-matic, dis real-life predator come to you house to keel and eat you and make all you' unnecessary probums GONE!! But ass fast as you payin' and wait for it...leesten actual custom'r...
Hullo. Me was alive. Now me dead. And me feel GREAT!
FOOD-A-MATIC
"Why Suffer When You Can Be Supper?"
CALL NOW
JUST WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIND YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT...
TURN...THE CRANK...

HI. I'VE COME TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.
GREAT. JUST FILL OUT THESE FORMS.
HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?
TO FILL OUT THE FORMS?
TO GIVE YOU MY ORGANS.
...WE...WAIT UNTIL YOU DIE.
THIS MAY TAKE AWHILE.

GEEZ, THE GUY SITTING BEHIND YOU JUST WON'T STOP TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE...
...AND THE BLAH BLAH NADAR SAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH SO I SAYS TO THE GUY BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU KNOW BLAH BLAH
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE, CELL PHONE JUNKIE, DIE!!
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

HOW DARE YOU STUPID CROCS TRY TO KILL ME IN MY OWN BED!? DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
Love you enemys.
I'M MORE OF AN OLD TESTAMENT GUY.

AHHHHHHHHHHH FROGS IN MY BED!!!!!!!!
Ohhh... Now why you have to kill Benny like dat?
ANNUSH
Allll me ees saaaayin' ees geef peece a chaaance...

And before ue kill, me just want say one ting. Dis one small Swing for croc, one giant blow for croc-kind.
Wait wait wait... Me too... Uhh... Does you feel lucky, punk? Well, does you?
Yeah yeah yeah me too. Uh.. Uh... Say herro to my leetle frend!!!
BUINK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
Okay. Dat like one speech too many.

Merry Easter, Zeeba neighba! Me is da Easter Croc and me got Easter eggs for you!
Hmm. Well, I guess I can appreciate the occasional kind gesture. Thanks. And…uh… happy Easter.
I keel da zeeeba.

DANNY DONKEY ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
DO YOU HATE ME, DANNY DONKEY?
YES I DO.
DANNY DONKEY HATED EVERYONE.
DANNY DONKEY THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS DUMB AND LET THEM KNOW IT.
I THINK YOU'RE DUMB.
THAT HURTS, DANNY DONKEY.
GOOD.
GOOD!
ONE DAY, DANNY DONKEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT TWENTY THOUSAND BRICKS.
THAT NIGHT, WHILE THE TOWN SLEPT, DANNY DONKEY BRICKED IN EVERYONE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS.
I'M TRAPPED.
ME TOO.
CURSE THAT DANNY DONKEY.
WHEN THE SUN ROSE, THE STREETS WERE EMPTY, SAVE FOR DANNY DONKEY, WHO SAT ON HIS FAVORITE PARK BENCH AND SMOKED A CARTON OF STOLEN CIGARETTES.
I AM HAPPY NOW.
CIGARETTES
YOU MEAN I DON'T WRITE FOR CHILDREN'S BOOKS?
WHAT KIND OF BABY COMMITS A HOMICE-

HEY, PATTY POSSUM.. WHY THE LONG BLACK VEIL?
OHH, PIG... BAD NEWS.. MY HUSBAND GEORGE DIED.
OH, PATTY.. I'M SO SORRY.. I HAD NO IDEA.. WHEN DID -
RIIIIING. RIIIIING. RIIIIING...
EXCUSE ME, PIG.
...HELLO? YES. UH HUH. YES. UH HUH. OKAY. BYE...
...HE WAS FAKING.

Hey, pal...Sorry to bug you, but I’ve been wondering something...
WHAT NOW?
Well, I keep trying to kill you, but I seem to be stopped by a tiny little pane of glass. Now either that’s some super strong glass or we’ve got an idiot cartoonist who doesn’t think through his plot settings.
I THINK IT’S THE LATTER.
THEY DON’T MEAN IT, SWEETIE.

COSMOPOLITAN? GLAMOUR? SEVENTEEN? THESE BETTER NOT BE FOR THAT STUPID PIG'S VIKING ACTION FIGURES.
I'M SO SICK OF HIM TURNING TOUGH GUY TOYS INTO EFFEMINATE GIRLY-GIRLS. IF HE'S DOING IT AGAIN, I'M GONNA JUST
OH... I... UH... NEVER MIND.
IF THAT COSMO'S NOT HERE TODAY, I WILL JUST SCREAM.

OKAY, FARINA, I'M GONNA TRY TO REMAIN CALM. MY FRIEND ZEBRA TELLS ME HE SAW DILBERT SITTING IN YOUR BUBBLE...
IT'S TRUE.
WHAAAT? HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT, FARINA??
LISTEN, RAT... IT WAS JUST ONE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER. DON'T MAKE IT BIGGER THAN IT IS.
YOU'RE STOMPING ON MY BLACK LITTLE LUMP OF COAL HEART, FARINA!! IS THAT WHAT YOU... IS THAT WHAT... IS THAT... IS THAT...
...IS THAT A VIKING HELMET?
SILLY HAGAR... ALWAYS FORGETTING STUFF.

ALRIGHT, FARINA!! I JUST HEARD ON THE COMICS GRAPEVINE THAT YOU WERE SEEN WITH THAT UNUTTERABLE TWIT, DILBERT!!
YOU DON'T OWN ME, RAT...IF I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTER, I CAN...
OH! SO IT'S TRUE! YOU ADMIT IT!...I KNEW IT...I KNEW IT...TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LET HIM SIT IN YOUR BUBBLE, FARINA. AT LEAST TELL ME THAT!...
I DIDN'T.
GOOD. AT LEAST I CAN TRUST YOU.

LISTEN, FARINA, IF WE'RE GONNA DATE AGAIN, WE'VE GOTTA DECIDE IF IT'S GONNA BE, YOU KNOW... EXCLUSIVE.
NO, RAT... I JUST GOT DIVORCED. I'M NOT READY FOR THAT.
OH. GREAT...
SO YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE?
LISTEN, RAT, IT'S A BIG TURN-OFF FOR ME WHEN YOU START TO GET OVERPOSSESSIVE.
OVERPOSSESSIVE? OVERPOSSESSIVE?? THAT'S THE WORD GIRLS USE RIGHT BEFORE THEY DATE OTHER GUYS! YOU LISTEN TO ME, FARINA, FARINA? FARINA..?
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EVERY GUY I LET IN MY BUBBLE, DILBEAN.
DILBERT.

HEY, PIG AND RAT, YOU DIDN’T NEED TO VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL.
SEE WE DID, NEIGHBOR TIM. WE HEARD YOU WERE GETTING A NEW PELVIC BONE AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE O.K.
DOCTOR! DOCTOR! THE REPLACEMENT PELVIC BONE JUST ARRIVED!
TERRIFIC. IT’S OUT THERE BY THE
DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE JUST DONE?… THE… THE… THE…
PELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
SOMETIMES I’M ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS COMIC STRIP.

I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THE WORD "GENIUS" IS WAY TOO OVERUSED... I MEAN, HOW MANY GENIUSES CAN ONE WORLD PRODUCE?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
WELL, I DO. BECAUSE I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TYPING UP ALL THEIR NAMES. HERE, HAVE A LOOK...
Mozart.
Da Vinci.
Me.
I THINK YOU COULD SHORTEN THIS.
YEAH... I JUST INCLUDED THAT MUSIC DUDE TO BE NICE.

Morning, neighbor. Listen... I've given it a lot of thought... and... well, let's be friends.
THE KIND OF FRIENDS WHO DON'T KILL EACH OTHER?
Maybe not that close.

HI, RAT... IT'S ME, FARINA. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET SOME COFFEE?
UH, SURE... WHATEVER. I MEAN, I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO, BUT UH... I'LL DO IT. WHERE DO YOU WANNA MEET?
IN FRONT OF ZEBRA'S HOUSE. THAT'S WHERE I'M STUCK.
STUCK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STUCK?
Dis... ees... torture.
Heeere, leetle bacon girl...
We you frend, Miss Baloney Ball...

LISTEN, RAT... I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US, BUT I
WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'M HAPPY YOU GOT ON WITH YOUR LIFE. HAPPY YOU FOUND SOMEONE.
I LEFT HIM.
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GRATUITOUS THIRD PANEL.

THE RETURN OF RAT'S EX, FARINA
LISTEN, RAT. I KNOW YOU'RE BITTER ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED BETWEEN US.
BITTER? PLEASE. MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO BE BITTER, BUT I'M NOT. I WENT ON WITH MY LIFE. YOU'RE THE PAST.
YOU'RE REALLY THAT OVER US, RAT?
SWEETHEART, I'VE BEEN THAT OVER YOU EVER SINCE THAT MOMENT 764 DAYS, 14 HOURS AND 9 MINUTES AGO WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME ...
... GIVE OR TAKE.

Story Update:
Years ago, Rat dated Pig's sister, Farina. Farina is a germaphobe and therefore lives in a plastic bubble. Ultimately, Farina broke Rat's heart and married someone else. We now return to our comic, already in progress.
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
OH... IT'S YOU.
LISTEN, RAT... I JUST CAME BACK TO TELL YOU... I'M SORRY.
SORRY? FOR WHAT? WHO CARES? NOT ME. I'M OVER YOU. I'VE FORGOTTEN YOU. YOU'RE A BIG FAT ZERO IN THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ME.
RAT'S BEDROOM...

SO WHAT'S GOING ON DOWNTOWN THIS WEEKEND?
A BIG FILM FESTIVAL...THEY'RE SHOWING "OLD YELLER."
WHAT'S "OLD YELLER"?
ONE OF THE SADDEST FILMS EVER...IT'S ABOUT A BOY AND HIS DOG.
WHAT HAPPENS?
THE DOG GETS REAL SICK AT THE END OF THE MOVIE AND THEY HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, YEAH...IT'S ONE OF THE MOST HEART-RENDING ENDINGS EVER.
AUDIENCES MUST JUST SOB.
OF COURSE THEY BAWL… WHAT OTHER REACTION CAN THERE BE TO A SCENE LIKE THAT?
EAT DA DOG!! EAT DA DOG!!

RAT GETS A JOB WRITING OTHER PEOPLE'S THANK-YOU CARDS
Dear Cousin Bob. Thank you for your generous gift of ten dollars.
Perhaps I'll buy half a shoe.

DID I HEAR THAT PEOPLE ARE NOW HIRING YOU TO WRITE THEIR THANK-YOU CARDS?
YES, MORON... MY THANK-YOUS ARE WELL WRITTEN AND QUITE GRACIOUS...CHECK OUT THIS ONE...
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT. IT WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL ADDITION TO MY NEXT GARAGE SALE."
ALRIGHT, MAYBE 'GRACIOUS' IS TOO STRONG A WORD.

DID YOU SEE THAT NOW YOU CAN HIRE TOTAL STRANGERS TO WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU CARDS?
THAT'S FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT... RAT JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE JOBS.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE RIGHT JOB FOR HIM?
WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?
Dear El Cheapo