Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT HIS AEROBICS CLASS. HIS DOCTOR TOLD HIM HE HAD HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND NEEDED TO EXERCISE.
YOU REALLY THINK RAT'S GONNA FOLLOW SOME AEROBICS TEACHER'S INSTRUCTIONS?
OH, SURE... I HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN HIM...
...WHAT PART OF "IT'S MY FIVE MINUTE SMOKING BREAK, FATHEAD" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

gee, rat... you've got 442 unplayed messages on your cell phone.
yes, I know.
how come?
because people are stupid. and I hate them. you're my friend, pig. I have discovered that the key to happiness is to be entirely unreachable at all times.
oh, gosh, no... I love to talk to other people. everyone's perspective is unique. you learn all sorts of stuff. in fact, if you really think about it, It's probably one of the most rewarding parts of your day.
gee, I hadn't thought of it like that... you know, I gotta run to a doctor's appointment, but when I get back I'd really like to continue this conversation.
do you think you could call me?
you bet. which phone?
call my cell.
you got it, big guy.
I love it when he keeps an open mind.

I BELIEVE THAT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS PREDETERMINED AT BIRTH... YOU CAN'T CONTROL A THING... ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS ARE ALREADY WRITTEN IN STONE.
BOOT
IT'S SAD TO WATCH THIS UNFOLD.

I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
OH, YEAH? LET'S HEAR ONE.
"YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF."
AWW. THAT'S WONDERFUL.
"...BECAUSE GOD KNOWS, EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE A MEADOWHEAD."
I'LL BE LEAVING NOW...

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR EMILIO, HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH?... WELL, IF I'M EVER ATTACKED BY A WATER BUG, I'LL LET HIM KNOW. HAHHAHAHA......
...... IF THEY JUST WOULDN'T TALK DOWN TO ME...

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WITH ALL THE CUTBACKS BY NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, THERE ARE VERY FEW PRINT REPORTERS STILL DOING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'SO'? THE PRESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WATCHDOG OF GOVERNMENT... WITHOUT THEM, A VITAL PART OF THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS IS MISSING.
DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE RELAAAX... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY WRITE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE DUDE... NO ONE READS.
GOSH... I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YEP... IT ALL WORKS OUT NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY'RE THOSE POSTERS WITH PICTURES OF A PRETTY SHORELINE OR GRAZING HORSES AND A FEW GENTLE WORDS DESIGNED TO INSPIRE PEOPLE. WANNA HEAR ONE I JUST WROTE?
SURE.
"YOU CAN DO IT... YOU BIG FAT TUB OF LARD."
HOW... INSPIRING.
YEAH... I THINK THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT PROFANITY.

HI THERE, NEIGHBOR CHUCK... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHAHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH? WELL, GO GET 'EM, YOU FEROCIOUS LITTLE LUMP OF FEATHERS...
... I DON'T DO WELL WITH CONDESCENSION.

Hullooo, zeeba neighbuh...Lesten... We want make trade.
WHAT KIND OF TRADE?
We geev you nice fewee fwench fwees game piece we ween een MeezDonald's "Scwatch and ween" game. Ees gud foh one fewee fwench fwees.
ALRIGHT...AND WHAT'S MY PART OF THE BARGAIN?
We keel you.
Throw in milkshake.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, REPORTS THAT YOU PAIRED HIM WITH THE WRONG SOCK IN THE SOCK DRAWER. THIS IS LIKE PUTTING THE WRONG WIFE IN A MAN'S BED.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A MORAL OUTRAGE. LOOK AT THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED PEPITO.
PEPITO HAS AN ODD WAY OF SHOWING EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.

HELLO THERE, SIR...I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS...AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, WE'VE SENT A FEW MISSIONARIES OUT HERE TO YOUR HOME TO TALK WITH YOU AND MAYBE HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR CARNIVOROUS WAYS. I'D JUST LIKE TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING...
HOW EET GOEEN??
Not too gud, he say.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, IS HAVING A BAD DAY... PLEASE CHEER HIM UP BY TAKING HIM TO A LINGERIE SHOP AND INTRODUCING HIM TO A NICE, LACEY BRA.
GEE, RAT, I'D RATHER NOT... THOSE PLACES REALLY EMBARRASS ME.
PLEASE RECALL PEPITO'S VIOLENT PAST.
PEPITO, DOUBLE 'D'... DOUBLE 'D', PEPITO.

HELLO, THERE, SIR... I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS AND WE'D LIKE TO SET UP A TIME THAT WE COULD SEND SOME OF THE CORPS OUT TO YOUR HOME AND MABIE SIT DOWN AND TALK.
Any time gud. Juss trow ovah fence.
THROW WHAT OVER THE FENCE?
Dead body.
CORPS. NOT CORPSE.
Oh. Me no want any...

HEY, THERE, ZEBRA. DID YOU HEAR MY ANTELOPE HERD HAS STARTED A PROGRAM TO TRY AND REDEEM THE CROCODILES?
NO... HOW'S IT WORK?
WE SEND ANTELOPE MISSIONARIES TO THE CROC'S HOMES WHO TRY TO LISTEN TO THE CROC'S CONCERNS AND PERSUADE THEM TO TURN AWAY FROM THEIR PREDATORY WAYS.
AND DO THE MISSIONARIES SAY IT'S WORKING?
HARD TO GAUGE.
WHY'S THAT HARD?
THEY DON'T COME BACK.

IN OTHER NEWS, ONE INMATE IS ON THE RUN TONIGHT AFTER ASSAULTING SIX OF HIS GUARDS IN A DARING ESCAPE FROM A MAXIMUM SECURITY FACILITY IN MODESTO, CALIFORNIA.
THE INMATE'S MOVE HAS PUZZLED AUTHORITIES, WHO TELL CHANNEL FOUR NEWS THAT HE WAS SCHEDULED FOR RELEASE ON BAIL NEXT TUESDAY.
I GET SO DARN IMPATIENT.

I HAD LUNCH WITH NEIGHBOR BOB TODAY. GOSH, HE SURE IS WHIPPED SINCE HIS WIFE HAD KIDS.
WHY IS THAT?
HE SAYS THAT SINCE HIS WIFE BECAME A MOM, SHE'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. SHE NO LONGER PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
WELL… BEING A MOM IS A LOT OF WORK, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, IT'S TOUGH. BUT HE SAYS HE DIDN'T THINK THINGS WOULD GET THIS BAD. NOW HE FEELS LIKE HE GOT DUPED INTO MARRYING HER. HE SAYS HER ONLY GOAL WAS TO BE A MOM.
IN FACT, HE SAYS THAT THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT HE NOW JUST FEELS LIKE A PIECE OF FURNITURE TAKING UP SPACE IN THE HOUSE.
OHH, PIG… I'M SURE NEIGHBOR BOB IS EXAGGERATING A LITTLE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE AWARE THAT IN ANY MARRIAGE THERE ARE ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO THE STORY…
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT…
I SPILLED MY MILKSHAKE ON THE COUCH AGAIN, MOMMY.
IT'S OKAY, TIMMY. I THINK WE'RE GONNA TRADE THIS ONE IN.
I LOVE YOU, MAMA.

I'M SAD, STEPHAN. WE WERE LIKE THE ONLY CHARACTERS NOT INVITED TO THE "BLONDIE" PARTY.
IT'S OKAY, PIG... I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
IN FACT, I'LL CALL ALL THE CHARACTERS WHO WEREN'T INVITED TO THE "BLONDIE" PARTY AND WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN PARTY! THERE MUST BE TONS OF GUYS!...
WOW.
GREAT PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THE BUMSTEAD PARTY NEXT DOOR... WE WEREN'T INVITED.
WE IS LOSERS.
GUYS GUYS GUYS... WE ARE NOT LOSERS... WE JUST RIPPED ON THE OLDER STRIPS A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
YEAH, THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR SMART-#*@S DIALOGUE, I'M MISSING A CHANCE TO SCORE WITH BLONDIE!!
HEY HEY HEY... TAKE IT EASY, RAT. THOSE ARE OLDER CARTOONISTS AND OLDER COMIC CHARACTERS OVER THERE... I'M SURE THEY'LL JUST SIT AROUND AND
THEY'RE PLAYING NAKED TWISTER!!
HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA
WOW! DILBERT IS A STUD!

Author’s Note:
As some of you may know, the comic strip “Blondie” is celebrating its 75th Anniversary. Numerous characters from other comic strips were invited to participate.
The characters from “Pearls Before Swine” were not.
Such a slight may have been due to the popular misconception that “Pearls” is critical of older strips.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Why just look at this actual panel from a December, 2003 “Pearls” strip…
SO, HOW DID THE FORMALDEHYDE BECOME SO IMPORTANT?
BACK AROUND 1929 SOME STUPID WRITER CREATOR DECIDED THAT ZOMBIES NEEDED TO BE PRESERVED.
BLONDIE IS THE GREATEST COMIC STRIP EVER.
I LIVE MY LIFE BY IT.
I THINK SOMETHING FUNNY'S GOING ON HERE.
SHUT UP, YOU DUMB PIG.

BLONDIE’S 75TH ANNIVERSARY BASH
Dude… I’M TELLING YOU… OUR INVITES WERE LOST IN THE MAIL…
YOU SURE?
WELCOME CARTOON CHARACTERS
Of course. THEY WOULDN’T KEEP US OUT JUST BECAUSE I GOOF ON OLDER STRIPS OCCASIONALLY… THEY KNOW IT’S ALL IN GOOD FUN… THE OLDER GUYS LOVE US.
SHOOT ON SIGHT
YOU GO FIRST.

SEE YOU LATER, ZEBRA-- PIG AND I ARE GOING TO THE 75TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY FOR THE COMIC STRIP, "BLONDIE".
YEAH, RIGHT... THEY'D NEVER INVITE YOU TO THAT. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT RIDICULE THOSE OLDER STRIPS.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY INVITE US... WE'RE SORT OF...UH... DROPPING IN... WELL, ONCE THEY SEE WHO YOU ARE, THEY'RE GONNA KICK YOU RIGHT OUT.
WE'RE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

OH, MY POOR, POOR GUARD DUCK... I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE YOU IN A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
IT'S OKAY, PIG... I'LL MAKE IT.
BUT THERE ARE GANGS! AND BIG, BAD MEN! AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT, THEY... THEY... DO BAD THINGS! OH, MY LITTLE GUARD DUCK, HOW WILL YOU EVER SURVIVE?!?!?
YOUR SMOKES, SIR. GOT 'EM AS FAST AS I COULD.
YOU $%#@&*! IDIOT. THESE AREN'T MARLBORO LIGHTS.

WHAT’S ALL THIS?
IT’S THE “CUBICLE O’ SHAME.” I TAKE THE PEOPLE WHO CONDUCT THEMSELVES AS INSTIGATED WEASELS IN THE WORKPLACE AND I STICK THEM HERE FOR THE REMAINDER OF THEIR WORKING LIVES.
YEAH...I’M JOSH. AT MEETINGS, I WILL TO MAKE SURE ONE ANNOYING UNIT, I HEAR WHAT THE OTHER GUY ANSWERS TO, AT WHICH POINT I JUST RUBBER STAMP THE MAJORITY OPINION WITHOUT ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
AND I’M LINDA...I C.C. SELF-SERVING MEMOS FLAUNTING EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE, SO I CAN BE OUT VICIOUSLY ABLE TO STAB MY FELLOW WORKERS IN THE BACK.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN’T TRAP SOMEBODY IN A CUBICLE FOR THE REST OF THEIR WORKING LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE SOMETHING THEY SAY OR DO...THAT’S WRONG...
AND I TOTALLY, TOTALLY AGREE WITH LINDA AND DAVE ON THIS ONE.
AND DESPITE MY REPEATED WARNINGS, THE PIG REFUSED TO SHUT HIS TRAP.
GRR...

Dear Diary,
Today I looked in the
mirror and noticed that one
of my eyebrow hairs was
significantly longer than
the others. This made
me wonder...
...Was that one hair
stealing food from
the others?
...Why does
everyone
look at me
that way?

...AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, RIGHT? SO HE SAYS TO HER BLAH BLAH BLAH. BUT I TELL HIM, HEY, LISTEN, PAL, BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND HE KNOWS I'M RIGHT, SO HE BLAH BLAH BLAH
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE LABORING UNDER THE MISCONCEPTION THAT I CAME TO THIS RESTAURANT TO HEAR YOU TALK. SADLY, I DID NOT. SO PLEASE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR BLOATED EGO, SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH.
... THE KEY IS TO BE POLITE, YET FIRM.