Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY NEW, REMOTE-CONTROLLED HEART. SINCE YOU BROKE MY LAST ONE, I HAD TO GET A NEW ONE.
LEMME SEE...
...HEY!.. MAKE IT COME BACK!
CAN'T. IT'S STUCK.
WHAT DO I DO?
ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A LITTLE REMOTE-CONTROLLED GLASS HEART. I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO THE PRETTIEST GIRL I CAN FIND. IT SYMBOLIZES THAT WHERE-EVER SHE GOES, MY HEART GOES WITH HER.
CAN I TRY IT?
SURE.
(floaty)
SMASH
SQUICKY
JUST SAVING YOU TIME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, PIG?
I WAS WALKING BY THIS TREE AND MY EAR GOT CAUGHT ON THE BRANCH.
CAN YOU GET DOWN?
NO.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP?
THAT'S A LOT OF WORK, AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
OKAY.
BUT LISTEN... I KNOW THE WINTER'S APPROACHING AND THAT IT'S GONNA GET REAL COLD, SO I JUST WANT TO SAY... "GOOD LUCK."
AWW... THANK YOU, LITTLE BUDDY.
NO PROBLEM, PAL... YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YOU, TOO, LITTLE BUDDY.
...IT'S NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO FATHER NICK'S FUNERAL.
WHO'S FATHER NICK?
HE WAS OUR PRIEST.
OUR PRIEST? SINCE WHEN?
1979.
PERHAPS I'VE MISSED A SUNDAY OR TWO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID PIG?
I GOT SOME PHOTOS MAILED TO ME, BUT I DROPPED THE PACKAGE AND NOW THERE'S NOT A DARN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
JUST BEND DOWN AND PICK IT UP, YOU MORON.
I CAN'T. LOOK...
FRIGHTENING, ISN'T IT?
MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE UMBRELLA?
I AM TOLD BY A RELIABLE AUTHORITY THAT GOD SEES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
AND YOU'RE HOPING HE LIKES UMBRELLAS?
I'M HOPING TO BLOCK HIS VIEW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STOP TALKING NOW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STEP UNDER THIS UMBRELLA, SO I CAN POUND YOUR BIG, FAT HEAD.

HI, THERE...I'M FROM THE CABLE COMPANY...I'M HERE TO DISCONNECT YOUR SERVICE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
IT APPEARS YOU'VE BEEN LETTING SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS CUT INTO YOUR CABLE LINE AND STEAL THE SIGNAL. THAT VIOLATES OUR TERMS OF SERVICE.
BUT I DIDN'T LET ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. I...I WOULD NEVER LET A FRIEND STEAL THE SIGNAL.
Sopranos best show EVAH.

SOMETIMES I THINK
THE WORST OF ALL SINS
IS TO HAVE POTENTIAL
AND THEN SQUANDER
IT... DON'T YOU
THINK?
I'M SORRY... I
DIDN'T HEAR
YOU... I WAS
TRYING TO
MEMORIZE A
FAMOUS POEM.
OH YEAH?
...WHICH
ONE?
"BEANS, BEANS,
THE MAGICAL FRUIT,
THE MORE YOU EAT
THE MORE YOU ---"
UHH.. WAIT A MINUTE...
HOW'S THAT THING END?
IT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE
POTENTIAL
IS AN ISSUE
FOR YOU.
AWWW, NUTS...
HOW COULD I
FORGET MY
FAVORITE
ROBERT FROST
POEM?

DUDE, I SAW THE MOST AMAZING SHOW LAST NIGHT. IT WAS ALL ABOUT CARRIER PIGEONS. PEOPLE ATTACH THESE MESSAGES TO THEIR LEGS AND SOMEHOW THESE BIRDS ARE ABLE TO LOCATE THE INTENDED RECIPIENT HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY.
BUT HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
NO ONE REALLY KNOWS. IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE…
...SECOND HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

OKAY, CROCODILE NEIGHBOR, LISTEN UP! YOU BOAR PALS HAVE TERRORIZED THE ZEBRAS FOR FAR TOO LONG. SO WE’RE GONNA GIVE YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE FOR A CHANGE.
BUT NOBODY EAT CROCODILE.
YEAH, WELL THAT’S GONNA CHANGE. WE GOT NUMBERS.
NO… NO… NOBODY EAT CROCODILE. WE’RE ALL FINE.
THAT’S A BUFFET… BUT FINE.
HEY, NOT TO INTERRUPT, BUT I’VE ACTUALLY HEARD THAT…
HEARD WHAT?
THAT THEY TASTE BAD. SERIOUSLY. I THINK I SAW IT ON YORAH!
ALRIGHT. FINE. WE’LL TASTE HIM. ..GENIE, LICK THE CROCODILE …
*LIIIIICK*
DUUUUUDE… THAT’S… FOUL… REPULSIVE… AND HOLY SMOKES, DOES THIS EVEN REEK. LET’S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE I HURL......
…Me don’t know whether cheer or have beeg cry.

THIS POLITICIAN IS SO DUMB. HE'S JUST DIGGING HIS OWN GRAVE.
WOW. HOW CHEAP CAN A DEAD GUY BE ?
WHAT DEAD GUY ?
THE POLITICIAN WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PAY FOR HIS OWN BURIAL.
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING.

EVERYONE THINKS WE PROTECT ANIMALS BASED ON HOW SMART THEY ARE. BUT IT'S NOT TRUE... WE SAVE ANIMALS BASED ON HOW CUTE THEY ARE...
DOLPHINS, CHIMPS, SEALS - ALL CUTE. THUS, THEY'RE SAVED. COWS, TURKEYS, PIGS - UNCUTE... THUS, WE EAT THEM. ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT WE VALUE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE? ...ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT IT DETERMINES YOUR VERY SURVIVAL?
CLICK
CLICK CLICK
WHISTLE
CLICK

YAY! YAY! YAY!
WHAT ARE YOU JUMPING AROUND FOR, YOU DUMB PIG?
HAHAHA!! LOOK! I JUST GOT THIS CATALOG FILLED WITH PRETTY WOMEN, AND IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE WOMAN!!! WOOHOOOO!!
DUDE, THAT'S THE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG. IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE CLOTHES. THEY DON'T SEND YOU THE WOMAN
I GREW SAD.
YOU WERE SAD BEFORE THAT.

I'VE JUST CALCULATED THAT EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT THE BEACH HAS BEEN INFINITELY MORE ENJOYABLE THAN EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT A JOB.
HOWEVER, IN ORDER TO SPEND YOUR DAYS AT THE BEACH, YOU NEED MONEY. AND TO GET MONEY, YOU NEED A JOB.
CRUEL, ISN'T IT?

HEY, DORIS THE SWORDFISH... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... I'M LONELY... REAL LONELY...
WHY IS THAT, DORIS?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE, THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS BADLY.
HOW BADLY?
PRETTY BADLY.

DUDE... WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? THERE'S NO CREAM IN MY COFFEE.
WE RAN OUT... BUT I COULD GO TO THE STORE AND GET SOME.
THE GROCERY STORE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. MY COFFEE WILL GET COLD.
NO... THERE'S A PLACE JUST DOWN THE BLOCK THAT SELLS IT.
THERE'S NO PLACE ON OUR BLOCK THAT SELLS CREAM.
SURE THERE IS... IN FACT, THERE'S A BIG SIGN OUT FRONT... "CREMATORIUM".
...THAT OUGHTA MAKE FOR AN INTERESTING EXCHANGE.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE.
OH, GREAT.
IN THE END, WE ARE ALL FORGOTTEN. AS MUCH AS WE SPEND OUR LIVES SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV. DRINKING BEER AND EATING NACHOS.
IS THAT SO?
YES, CASE IN POINT...CAN YOU NAME THREE KINGS FROM THE 1700S?
OF COURSE I CAN...I CAN PROBABLY NAME OVER 100 PEOPLE...SO THERE.
THE WHO'S ?
SURE...AT LEAST TEN OR TWELVE.
THE SEVENTH CENTURY B.C.?
UHHH...WELL...NO.
THE EIGHTH?
UHH...NO.
SO...EVEN IF YOU WERE THE GREATEST POET OR ARTIST OR KING OR TV COOK, A GUY AS SMART AS MY FRIEND CAN'T IDENTIFY YOU IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY. DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME...IT'S AS IF YOU NEVER EXISTED!!!
THE TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.?
WELL...MAYBE A COUPLE.
...GOT ANY MORE NACHOS?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... DID YOU JUST RUN IN THE MARATHON?
YEAH, BUT IT DIDN'T GO WELL. MY BODY GAVE OUT WITH ONE MILE TO GO.
OH, NO... WASN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU COULD'VE DONE?
WELL, I TRIED TO MOTIVATE MYSELF BY CHANTING, "A JOHNSON NEVER QUITS. A JOHNSON NEVER QUITS." BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
WHY NOT?
I'M NOT A JOHNSON.

HIYA, RITA...
GOSH... AM I TIRED...
I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-HOUR SURGERY...
HEY, SURGEON BOB... LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A STICKY NOTE STUCK TO YOUR SHOE.
OH, THANKS... I USE 'EM TO HELP ME REMEMBER STUFF. THIS ONE MUSTA DROPPED. LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UHH... "AMPUTATE LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM..."
FIDDLESTICKS.

Hullooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... You house nice, but lack certain warmth... Please let me put nice homemade wreath onah fireplace.
YOU ARE NOT COMING INTO THIS HOUSE TO PUT A HOMEMADE WREATH OVER THE FIREPLACE.
Somewhere Martha Stewart cry.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW GUYS WITH BIG, BUSHY MUSTACHES ALSO TEND TO HAVE GOOFY GLASSES AND A BELLY?
YEAH... THAT'S WEIRD.
DOES THE MUSTACHE LEAD TO THE BELLY?
MAYBE THE BELLY LEADS TO THE GLASSES...
OR MAYBE GUYS WHO HAVE TO WEAR BIG, GOOFY GLASSES JUST SAY TO HECK WITH PERSONAL GROOMING' AND LET THEIR WHOLE APPEARANCE GO TO POT.
AHA! I BET THAT'S IT.
DO YOU MIND?
AND ANOTHER THING... WHY IS EVERYONE SO DARN SENSITIVE THESE DAYS?
YEAH. THAT'S WEIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M GOING TO THROW THIS MIDGET OFF THE PIER.
WHAT--?! WHY?
TO SEE IF I CAN GET A LITTLE MORE DISTANCE THAN I DID WITH THE LAST ONE.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HOME OF STEPHAN PASTIS...
HONEY, WHY ARE ANGRY SHORT PEOPLE HOLDING SIGNS ON OUR LAWN?

WELL WELL WELL... IF IT ISN'T MY OLD NEMESIS, ANIME-AME.
I SEE YOU'RE BACK TO EVEN THE SCORE.
THAT'S WRONG, PIG... I WANT TO BURY THE HATCHET... I NO LONGER WANT TO BE YOUR ENEMY.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ENEMY, ANNIE MAY, THE ANEMONE.
NO, PIG... AND TO PROVE MY GOODWILL, I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU A TWO-NIGHT STAY AT A LUXURY HOTEL THAT FEATURES AIR-CONDITIONING, AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL, AND FREE MOVIES, INCLUDING JAPANESE ANIME...
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BRIBE ME WITH AMENITIES LIKE ANIME, ANNIE MAY, MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY.
ENOUGH!!!

THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB BY RAT
Angry Bob was angry.
Hey Bob! You won free flowers from the County Fair!
Angry Bob went to the address and knocked on the door.
It's a small, well-lit, wholesome theme.
All praise be to the fairies!
Walking the shop, Bob saw fairies on rafters throwing flowers at customers. He hated flowers, and he hated fairies.
The more confused Bob got, the angrier he got.
Termed "The Fountain O' Hope," it was a large fountain framed by hundreds of flowers, delivering Cupid's gel, sprayed out of cherubim's butts.
Bob made it to the fountain. He stared at a red-haired woman next to it. She appeared to be boiling in anger.
The woman screamed her entire life story at Bob, uninvited. Upon finishing, she ran away and screamed.
Reluctantly, the red-haired woman took the flower, sighed, smiled, and walked away.
Then, the spring gnomes surrounded Bob.
AND CRASHED INTO THE LARGE FOUNTAIN.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN OF HOPE.
AND SCREAMED.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN WAS NO HOPE.
THEN SPRING GNOMES RIDING FAIRY INFESTED PANDA BEARS CHARGED OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN AND CRUSHED THE BOB. THEN HE DROWNED, FINISH

IF A TACO TRUCK TURNED OVER ON THE FREEWAY, WOULD YOU CHECK ON THE CONDITION OF THE DRIVER OR HELP YOURSELF TO SOME TACOS?
PLEASE. OF COURSE I'D CHECK ON THE DRIVER. THE FIRST THING YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO IS DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT HE'S CONSCIOUS.
I KNEW IT... YOU ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT OTHERS, BUT YOU DO.
OF COURSE I DO.
...AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS?
I'D STEAL THE TACOS.