Pearls Before Swine | Search

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO DECLARE ALL RIGHT AND WRONG RELATIVE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, YOU TELL THEM IT DEPENDS ON ONE'S DEFINITION OF WRONG... THEN YOU CHANGE THE DEFINITION TO SUIT YOUR NEEDS.
THAT'S A LONG WAY OF SAYING I STOLE YOUR WALLET.

AFTER MUCH STUDY AND RESEARCH, I HAVE DEVELOPED A WAY TO ENUMERATE THE NATION'S PROBLEMS.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
VOILA! A PAPER BAG YOU GOT FROM THE GROCERY STORE?
WRONG... THE BAG OF 'BLISS'... ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE...
OHHH, THE WAR WILL NEVER END! THE COUNTRY'S GOIN' BROKE! OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CHAOS! GAS PRICES ARE OUT OF CONTROL! HOLY @#$%! IT'S THE SEVENTIES ALL OVER AGAIN!!!
AHHHHH... THE WORLD'S A SAFE, DARK PLACE THAT SMELLS VAGUELY OF PRODUCE.
ADMIT IT... YOU'RE IMPRESSED.

THEY SAY THAT WOMEN HAVE A LONGER AVERAGE LIFE SPAN THAN MEN...WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?
BECAUSE MEN DIE SOONER.
IN THE FUTURE, LET'S TRY AND LIMIT OUR CONVERSATIONS TO "HI," "BYE," AND "PLEASE SHUT YOUR FACE."

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, DEAR?
THOSE NATURE PROGRAMS. THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THE KILLER WHALE LEAPS OUT OF THE SURF AND GRABS THAT POOR SEAL.
WHY DO YOU WATCH THOSE OVER AND OVER?
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT, JENNIFER. IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE ALWAYS REMEMBER WHO THESE WHALES ARE... THAT THEY ARE VICIOUS, CALCULATING, BRUTAL, COLDHEARTED MURDERERS!!!
So much for borrowing a cup of sugar.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten... We crocodyles want eenvite you our church... Peese join us for sermon by Fahder Gus...
"Blessed are da merciful, for dey shall obtain mercy. Blessed are da pure in heart, for dey shall see God... Kill..all..da..zeebas."
We not reaching dat guy.

HI... WELCOME TO MICKEY D'S... CAN I HELP YOU?
KRILL.
I'M SORRY?
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE SHRIMP-LIKE DUDES YOU EAT BY THE BUNCH?
UH.. DUDE. WE JUST SERVE BURGERS.
Dang.

the crocodiles say they bought a jacuzzi.
A JACUZZI?--THOSE CROCS ARE BROKE.
they say they found one for three hundred bucks.
WHAT KIND OF JACUZZI CAN YOU GET FOR THREE HUNDRED BUCKS?
...dis is da life, Larry.
Get out, Dan...Ees my turn now.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I SHOVED MYSELF INTO A BUCKET TO SEE IF LIFE IN A BUCKET MAKES ME HAPPY.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK LIFE IN A BUCKET COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEPRESSED MOP.
...I'M NOT THAT HAPPY.

Bob! Look at dis!
What ees it Floyd?
Ees pre-killed aneemal! Ees third one me find here dis week!
What does it mean, Floyd?!
It mean God love us, Bob!
He do?
Of course he do! He know we have trouble catch food, so he give us some already deed!
God muss have beeeg plan for us, Floyd!! God muss have beeeg plan!!
HONK HONK HOOOONK
Dis not plan me have in mind, Floyd

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE HAPPY...? IS IT SOMETHING SUBJECTIVE...? OR IS THERE AN OBJECTIVE COMPONENT...?
IS IT SIMPLY THE ABSENCE OF PAIN? OR IS IT SOMETHING MORE? HOW DOES A DUMB GUY LIKE YOU ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT?
I THINK HAPPINESS IS FINDING A COUPLE EXTRA FRIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG.
PIG MADE SENSE. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US.
YAY!! THE APOCALYPSE!!! YAAAAAAAY!!!
WAIT...WAIT... WHAT'S AN APOCALYPSE?

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WRITING ?
I AM PREPARING FOR MY EVENTUAL DEATH BY WRITING THE MOST INSCRIPTION THAT WILL ONE DAY GO ON MY TOMBSTONE. HERE, READ IT.
"HERE LIES THE WORLD'S MOST SUPERIOR BEING, WHO WAS FORCED BY FATE TO LIVE AMONGST NOBODIES."
WELL... THE "HERE LIES" PART IS ACCURATE.
OHH... YOU SAD, ENVIOUS NOBODY.

DUUUDE, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE CARS? I CAN'T FIND A PARKING SPOT ANYWHERE.
HEY, THERE'S ONE--THAT LADY'S BACKING OUT.
HOW IS IT THAT THE ONE DRIVER YOU'RE WAITING TO HAVE BACK OUT IS THE ONLY ONE WHO TAKES FOURTEEN MINUTES TO DO IT?
WHOA. I THINK SHE'S REARRANGING HER GLOVE COMPARTMENT AGAIN.

YO, DUDE...HELP ME GET THE GROCERY BAGS OUT OF THE CAR.
DID YOU GET THE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS?
YEAH, BUT SINCE WHEN DOES A HAIRLESS PIG NEED FOUR BOTTLES OF CONDITIONER, TWO BOTTLES OF STYLING GEL AND A BIG CAN OF HAIRSPRAY?
OHH, THEY'RE NOT FOR ME, SILLY.
THEN WHO'D I BUY THIS 6#!* FOR?
DO you really LIKE IT?

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP.
TWO OF MY VIKINGS ARE HAVING AN ALTERCATION--I'M TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
HAHAHAHA...YES! NOW THEY'RE BEING VIKINGS!! WHAT'S THE FIGHT OVER? STOLEN LOOT...? WHO KILLED THE MOST MEN?
Oprah!
Oprah!
Ellen!
Ellen!
I'LL BE RETURNING TO MY NAP NOW.
FELLAS! FELLAS! THEY'RE BOTH THE QUEEN OF DAYTIME TV!!

I SAW THE NEATEST LITTLE PARADE WHILE I WAS DRIVING TODAY... THIS BIG, LONG CAR FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF OTHER CARS WITH THEIR HEADLIGHTS ON, ALL ESCORTED BY POLICEMEN ON MOTORCYCLES.
PIG, DID THOSE CARS HAVE A STICKER IN THE CORNER OF THEIR WINDSHIELD?
YES!! IT SAID, "FUN" SOMETHING OR OTHER ... FUN! FUN! FUN!!
FUNERAL.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR WAVING AND HONKING.

DEAR LIONS,
YOUR KILLING OF MY FRIEND ZEBRAS HAS INCREASED AS OF LATE. AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT, I BELIEVE I'VE DISCOVERED THE SOURCE OF YOUR HOSTILITY.
PSYCHOLOGISTS BELIEVE THAT AN INDIVIDUAL WHO LACKS A CREATIVE OUTLET IS MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT A VIOLENT ACT... YOU, THE LIONS, HAVE NO CREATIVE OUTLET.
TO RECTIFY THE PROBLEM, I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A FEW MOMENTS EACH DAY TO COMPOSE A POEM OR TWO... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PARTICULARLY GOOD OR LONG... THE POINT IS REALLY JUST TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS DOWN ON PAPER.
I BELIEVE THE EFFECTS OF THIS WILL BE IMMEDIATE AND YOUR IMPULSE TO KILL WILL BE ERADICATED. GO AHEAD. GIVE IT A TRY!
ROSES IS RED.
VIOLETS IS BLUE.
ME IS ME.
KILL YOU YOU YOU.
*SIGH*

HEY THERE, RAT BUDDY, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
IT'S A SELF-HELP BOOK. I CALL IT, "RAT'S GUIDE TO BEING HAPPY."
WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN SO FAR?
"TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS, SPEND $27.95 ON THIS BOOK."
HOW DOES THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE VIKING FIGURINES? I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE 'EM KEEPING DIARIES AND COLLECTING DAISIES AGAIN.
OH, NO... TODAY WE'RE GONNA WATCH A LITTLE TELEVISION.
GOOD. HAVE 'EM WATCH SOME OF THIS "ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP"... LOTS OF GUYS BEATING EACH OTHER SENSELESS. VIKINGS CRAVE THIS KIND OF BRUTALITY. HAHAHA. HERE YA GO, FELLAS. VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! ......
*CLICK* *CLICK*
Today
We
missed
"Ellen."

I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT SINCE I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE SUCCEEDING IN LIFE, I SHALL SURROUND MYSELF WITH FRIENDS WHO ARE ABJECT FAILURES.
WHY?
BECAUSE AS BAD AS THINGS MAY GET FOR ME, I'M BETTER THAN THEM. THUS, THEIR INCOMPARABLE FAILURE PROVIDES ME WITH THE ILLUSION OF SUCCESS, AND ILLUSION IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
BUT WHERE WILL YOU FIND FRIENDS LIKE THAT?
WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND, BIG GUY?
THAT'S ME, PAL… THAT'S ME!!
IT'S NOT HARD.

Gentlemun gentlemun... Bad news... Purpose of Valenteen Day not to murder everyone wid arrows. Purpose to make people fall in love.
So no murder no one?
No one.
Dey juss sleeping.

Happy Valentine's Day, Zeeba neighba. Does you want me shoot you in hed repeatedly?

CUPID SHOOTS HARMLESS LITTLE ARROWS INTO YOUR BACKSIDE TO MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE.
HE DOES NOT COMMIT PREMEDITATED HOMICIDE.

What dis "fall een love"?
YOU MEET SOMEONE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH... TO CARE ABOUT. TO HOLD...
When do killing begin?
There IS NO KILLING.
What a stoopid holiday.

Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.
Oh, no, Larry. Dat not good Valentine. Valentine Day about love.
Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.
Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
We practice death rolls. Crocs does it when dey catch prey in jaws. Snaps neck. Loser dies.
THAT'S HIDEOUS.
HAHA...Dat nature, pal. Show heem, Clarence... Show heem how losers die.
AND DAT'S HOW LOSERS DIE.

listen, pal, I know you're a bit peeved 'cause you just moved into the neighborhood and here I am, your predator, living right across the street.
But listen, man, I feel your pain. Like, just last week, the neighbor next to me borrowed my hedge trimmers and has he given them back? Noooooooo...
HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY COMPARE A NEIGHBOR WHO KEEPS YOUR HEDGE TRIMMERS TO ONE WHO RIPS OFF YOUR GIGANTIC HEAD??
Let's watch the potty mouth.

DING DONG DING DONG!
fruit basket for the new neighhhhhhbbboooorrr
CAN YOU GET THAT, JOHN?
NO WAY, JENNIFER. I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. THAT DOOR STAYS CLOSED
JOHN! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ONE OF OUR NEW NEIGHBORS. IT'S RUDE!
It really is rude, John.