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HELLO THERE, SIR...I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS...AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, WE'VE SENT A FEW MISSIONARIES OUT HERE TO YOUR HOME TO TALK WITH YOU AND MAYBE HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR CARNIVOROUS WAYS. I'D JUST LIKE TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING...
HOW EET GOEEN??
Not too gud, he say.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, IS HAVING A BAD DAY... PLEASE CHEER HIM UP BY TAKING HIM TO A LINGERIE SHOP AND INTRODUCING HIM TO A NICE, LACEY BRA.
GEE, RAT, I'D RATHER NOT... THOSE PLACES REALLY EMBARRASS ME.
PLEASE RECALL PEPITO'S VIOLENT PAST.
PEPITO, DOUBLE 'D'... DOUBLE 'D', PEPITO.

HELLO, THERE, SIR... I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS AND WE'D LIKE TO SET UP A TIME THAT WE COULD SEND SOME OF THE CORPS OUT TO YOUR HOME AND MABIE SIT DOWN AND TALK.
Any time gud. Juss trow ovah fence.
THROW WHAT OVER THE FENCE?
Dead body.
CORPS. NOT CORPSE.
Oh. Me no want any...

HEY, THERE, ZEBRA. DID YOU HEAR MY ANTELOPE HERD HAS STARTED A PROGRAM TO TRY AND REDEEM THE CROCODILES?
NO... HOW'S IT WORK?
WE SEND ANTELOPE MISSIONARIES TO THE CROC'S HOMES WHO TRY TO LISTEN TO THE CROC'S CONCERNS AND PERSUADE THEM TO TURN AWAY FROM THEIR PREDATORY WAYS.
AND DO THE MISSIONARIES SAY IT'S WORKING?
HARD TO GAUGE.
WHY'S THAT HARD?
THEY DON'T COME BACK.

IN OTHER NEWS, ONE INMATE IS ON THE RUN TONIGHT AFTER ASSAULTING SIX OF HIS GUARDS IN A DARING ESCAPE FROM A MAXIMUM SECURITY FACILITY IN MODESTO, CALIFORNIA.
THE INMATE'S MOVE HAS PUZZLED AUTHORITIES, WHO TELL CHANNEL FOUR NEWS THAT HE WAS SCHEDULED FOR RELEASE ON BAIL NEXT TUESDAY.
I GET SO DARN IMPATIENT.

I HAD LUNCH WITH NEIGHBOR BOB TODAY. GOSH, HE SURE IS WHIPPED SINCE HIS WIFE HAD KIDS.
WHY IS THAT?
HE SAYS THAT SINCE HIS WIFE BECAME A MOM, SHE'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. SHE NO LONGER PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
WELL… BEING A MOM IS A LOT OF WORK, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, IT'S TOUGH. BUT HE SAYS HE DIDN'T THINK THINGS WOULD GET THIS BAD. NOW HE FEELS LIKE HE GOT DUPED INTO MARRYING HER. HE SAYS HER ONLY GOAL WAS TO BE A MOM.
IN FACT, HE SAYS THAT THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT HE NOW JUST FEELS LIKE A PIECE OF FURNITURE TAKING UP SPACE IN THE HOUSE.
OHH, PIG… I'M SURE NEIGHBOR BOB IS EXAGGERATING A LITTLE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE AWARE THAT IN ANY MARRIAGE THERE ARE ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO THE STORY…
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT…
I SPILLED MY MILKSHAKE ON THE COUCH AGAIN, MOMMY.
IT'S OKAY, TIMMY. I THINK WE'RE GONNA TRADE THIS ONE IN.
I LOVE YOU, MAMA.

I'M SAD, STEPHAN. WE WERE LIKE THE ONLY CHARACTERS NOT INVITED TO THE "BLONDIE" PARTY.
IT'S OKAY, PIG... I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
IN FACT, I'LL CALL ALL THE CHARACTERS WHO WEREN'T INVITED TO THE "BLONDIE" PARTY AND WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN PARTY! THERE MUST BE TONS OF GUYS!...
WOW.
GREAT PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THE BUMSTEAD PARTY NEXT DOOR... WE WEREN'T INVITED.
WE IS LOSERS.
GUYS GUYS GUYS... WE ARE NOT LOSERS... WE JUST RIPPED ON THE OLDER STRIPS A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
YEAH, THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR SMART-#*@S DIALOGUE, I'M MISSING A CHANCE TO SCORE WITH BLONDIE!!
HEY HEY HEY... TAKE IT EASY, RAT. THOSE ARE OLDER CARTOONISTS AND OLDER COMIC CHARACTERS OVER THERE... I'M SURE THEY'LL JUST SIT AROUND AND
THEY'RE PLAYING NAKED TWISTER!!
HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA
WOW! DILBERT IS A STUD!

Author’s Note:
As some of you may know, the comic strip “Blondie” is celebrating its 75th Anniversary. Numerous characters from other comic strips were invited to participate.
The characters from “Pearls Before Swine” were not.
Such a slight may have been due to the popular misconception that “Pearls” is critical of older strips.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Why just look at this actual panel from a December, 2003 “Pearls” strip…
SO, HOW DID THE FORMALDEHYDE BECOME SO IMPORTANT?
BACK AROUND 1929 SOME STUPID WRITER CREATOR DECIDED THAT ZOMBIES NEEDED TO BE PRESERVED.
BLONDIE IS THE GREATEST COMIC STRIP EVER.
I LIVE MY LIFE BY IT.
I THINK SOMETHING FUNNY'S GOING ON HERE.
SHUT UP, YOU DUMB PIG.

BLONDIE’S 75TH ANNIVERSARY BASH
Dude… I’M TELLING YOU… OUR INVITES WERE LOST IN THE MAIL…
YOU SURE?
WELCOME CARTOON CHARACTERS
Of course. THEY WOULDN’T KEEP US OUT JUST BECAUSE I GOOF ON OLDER STRIPS OCCASIONALLY… THEY KNOW IT’S ALL IN GOOD FUN… THE OLDER GUYS LOVE US.
SHOOT ON SIGHT
YOU GO FIRST.

SEE YOU LATER, ZEBRA-- PIG AND I ARE GOING TO THE 75TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY FOR THE COMIC STRIP, "BLONDIE".
YEAH, RIGHT... THEY'D NEVER INVITE YOU TO THAT. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT RIDICULE THOSE OLDER STRIPS.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY INVITE US... WE'RE SORT OF...UH... DROPPING IN... WELL, ONCE THEY SEE WHO YOU ARE, THEY'RE GONNA KICK YOU RIGHT OUT.
WE'RE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

OH, MY POOR, POOR GUARD DUCK... I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE YOU IN A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
IT'S OKAY, PIG... I'LL MAKE IT.
BUT THERE ARE GANGS! AND BIG, BAD MEN! AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT, THEY... THEY... DO BAD THINGS! OH, MY LITTLE GUARD DUCK, HOW WILL YOU EVER SURVIVE?!?!?
YOUR SMOKES, SIR. GOT 'EM AS FAST AS I COULD.
YOU $%#@&*! IDIOT. THESE AREN'T MARLBORO LIGHTS.

WHAT’S ALL THIS?
IT’S THE “CUBICLE O’ SHAME.” I TAKE THE PEOPLE WHO CONDUCT THEMSELVES AS INSTIGATED WEASELS IN THE WORKPLACE AND I STICK THEM HERE FOR THE REMAINDER OF THEIR WORKING LIVES.
YEAH...I’M JOSH. AT MEETINGS, I WILL TO MAKE SURE ONE ANNOYING UNIT, I HEAR WHAT THE OTHER GUY ANSWERS TO, AT WHICH POINT I JUST RUBBER STAMP THE MAJORITY OPINION WITHOUT ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
AND I’M LINDA...I C.C. SELF-SERVING MEMOS FLAUNTING EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE, SO I CAN BE OUT VICIOUSLY ABLE TO STAB MY FELLOW WORKERS IN THE BACK.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN’T TRAP SOMEBODY IN A CUBICLE FOR THE REST OF THEIR WORKING LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE SOMETHING THEY SAY OR DO...THAT’S WRONG...
AND I TOTALLY, TOTALLY AGREE WITH LINDA AND DAVE ON THIS ONE.
AND DESPITE MY REPEATED WARNINGS, THE PIG REFUSED TO SHUT HIS TRAP.
GRR...

Dear Diary,
Today I looked in the
mirror and noticed that one
of my eyebrow hairs was
significantly longer than
the others. This made
me wonder...
...Was that one hair
stealing food from
the others?
...Why does
everyone
look at me
that way?

...AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, RIGHT? SO HE SAYS TO HER BLAH BLAH BLAH. BUT I TELL HIM, HEY, LISTEN, PAL, BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND HE KNOWS I'M RIGHT, SO HE BLAH BLAH BLAH
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE LABORING UNDER THE MISCONCEPTION THAT I CAME TO THIS RESTAURANT TO HEAR YOU TALK. SADLY, I DID NOT. SO PLEASE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR BLOATED EGO, SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH.
... THE KEY IS TO BE POLITE, YET FIRM.

HEY, TIMMY PANCAKE! HOW GOES IT?
BAD, PIG. ALL I EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS A HOME AND MAYBE THE CHANCE TO MEET PANCAKES FROM OTHER COUNTRIES. BUT NOW, I'M HOMELESS, ALONE AND JUST FIGHTING TO KEEP FROM BEING SOME IDIOT'S BREAKFAST...
TIMMY! I JUST THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU! I DRIVE BY IT EVERY DAY! OH, GEE, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS SOONER?
REALLY? TELL ME! TELL ME! I'LL GO THERE RIGHT NOW!
DUUUDE, LOOK WHAT WAS IN MY PANCAKES.
...GROSS, DUDE. GET A REFUND.
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

LOOKS LIKE YOUR PAL, THE GUARD DUCK, GOT ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK.
ROBBING A BANK?? HOW CAN THAT BE?
I DUNNO, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING OUT ON BAIL....
FLIGHT RISK? ME? PSHAW.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUARD DUCK YOU HIRED TO PROTECT OUR HOUSE?
I HAD TO FIRE HIM WHEN HE STOLE THE NEIGHBOR'S INFLATABLE POOL.
SO WHAT'S HE UP TO NOW?
I DUNNO, BUT WHEN I FIRED HIM, I GAVE HIM A REAL STERN LECTURE... I THINK IT REALLY STRAIGHTENED HIM OUT....
YOU HEARD HIM, BOB... JUST HAND OVER THE BAG AND OUT HE WADDLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT 24 MILLION PEOPLE VOTED IN THE 2003 AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION, WHICH IS ALMOST HALF THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST FOR THE WINNER OF THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SO"? WE'RE VALUING A SINGING CONTEST ALMOST AS HIGHLY AS WE DO THE LEADERSHIP OF OUR COUNTRY... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MORE PEOPLE NEED TO VOTE IN THE AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION?
NEVER MIND.
PERSONALLY, I NEVER GOT OVER THE CLAY AIKEN FIASCO.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE ...
OH, GREAT.
NO MAN IS FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN UNLESS HE WANTS TO HOOK UP WITH HER. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE.
ARE YOU DONE?
NO. I HAVE ANOTHER TRUISM TO DECLARE. EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE'S THE ONE EXCEPTION WHO IS SOMEBODY'S FRIEND.
SHE IS WRONG.
ALRIGHT. THAT DOES IT. LISTEN, RAT ... JUST BECAUSE SHADOW LITTLE YOU HAS NO FRIENDS WITH WOMEN DOESN'T MEAN OTHER GUYS CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH WOMEN.
I'LL GRANT YOU THAT THERE MAY NOT BE A LOT OF THEM, BUT BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE SOME UNIQUE MEN OUT THERE WHO GENUINELY LIKE HAVING PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS WITH WOMEN.
ALRIGHT ... I SHALL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR THEM.
YES ... EUNUCH MEN ARE AN EXCEPTION.
NEVER MIND.
POOR, POOR EUNUCH MEN.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE SECONDHAND STORE.
TO GET WHAT?
A SECOND HAND. IT BROKE.
I WEEP FOR YOUR OFFSPRING.

WELL IF IT’S NOT ONE OF ZEBRA’S CROC NEIGHBORS... WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
Me have job inter-view. Me no can catch food, so me need money to buy.
DO YOU HAVE A RESUMÉ LISTING ALL YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?
You bet me does... look.
Me no gud at nuthin,
YOU MAY WANT TO BEEF THIS UP A BIT.
Mmmmmmm...
Beeeeef...

HEY...WHAT'S YOUR HURRY, PIG?
SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME CHIPS.
HI, RAT...DON'T MIND IF I DO...I WAS JUST OFF TO VISIT MY NEW BUDDY...
WHO'S YOUR NEW BUDDY?
BENNY THE AVOCADO...HE'S THE KINDEST, MOST SENSITIVE AVOCADO I'VE EVER MET...OUR FRIENDSHIP IS REALLY GROWING...
YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE GUACAMOLE DIP.

SNOFF SNRK HEH HEH
THAT'S ONE SAD DEER.

BEHOLD! THE "SUPER STICK O' SMARTNESS"! A BIG, LONG STICK I USE TO HIT STUPID PEOPLE IN THE HEAD AND THEREBY MAKE THEM SMART.
You don't make stupid people smart by hitting them in the head with a stick.
OH?...AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION FOR MAKING STUPID PEOPLE SMART?
YES. BOOKS. BOOKS MAKE STUPID PEOPLE SMART.