Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR, GOOD MORNING SIR. AT APPROX- IMATELY 2230 LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THE FOGGINI KIDS THREW A PROJECTILE AT OUR BASE.
WHAT DID THEY THROW ??
THIS, SIR... FORTU- NATELY, IT LANDED ON SOFT GRASS AND DID NOT BREAK..
BUT IT'S JUST AN EGG..
SIR, I'M A DUCK, SIR. THIS COULD BE KIDS'KIN. YOU DON'T SEE ME THROWING PREG- NANT ITALIAN WOMEN AT THEIR PORCH, DO YOU ?!?
WHOA WHOA WHOA.. TAKE IT EEEEASY, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
THANK YOU, SIR.. BUT I CAN DO WITHOUT THE MAN HUG.

SIR... THE SMITTYS PARKED THEIR CAR IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE AGAIN..

IS THAT BAD?

YESSIR... IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN GRASSES, IT'S GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE TO CONTINUALLY PARK YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF YOUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE.

THEN LEAVE A LITTLE REMINDER ON THEIR WINDSHIELD.

DEFINE 'REMINDER'.

THE CROCS ATTEND COLLEGE
... AND THAT, SIR, IS WHAT I BELIEVE ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM.
VERY PROVOCATIVE, MR. TRIPODES. I SEE YOU'VE STUDIED HARD.
WHY DON'T WE GET SOMEONE ELSE INVOLVED HERE? ... HOW 'BOUT YOU, SIR? WHAT DO YOU THINK ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM?
What time recess?

THE CROCS ARE GOING TO COLLEGE.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET SMARTER.
COLLEGE LECTURES DO NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER.
THEN WHAT'S THEIR EFFECT?
ZZZZZZZZZZ

Rat's Travel Guide to the World's Great Cities
Chapter 2: Calcutta
PROS
Warm.
Cheap.
Not too touristy.
CONS
Burgers: Hard to find.
Cockiest.
Cows.
Ever.

I'M NOT GOING IN LIKE THIS, MOM.
HUSH, SWEETIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RESEARCHING TRIPS TO THE SOUTH POLE... I'M THINKING ABOUT VISITING MY PAL, OLLIE THE PENGUIN. HE'S THE ONE WITH THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOM.
BUT ALL THOSE STUPID PENGUINS LOOK ALIKE... HOW WOULD YOU EVEN FIND HIM?

THIS RULE REQUIRING ALL COMICS TO MAKE THEIR CHARACTERS THE AGE THEY SHOULD REALLY BE HAS GOT TO GO.
IT ENDS TOMORROW! THEY JUST ANNOUNCED IT.
OH, GOOD... BECAUSE READING MY FAVORITE STRIP, "BLONDIE," JUST WASN'T THE SAME.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA EAT THAT WHOLE SANDWICH!

I GUESS THE CREATORS OF "FAMILY CIRCUS" DECIDED IT WAS JUST TOO RIDICULOUS TO HAVE 50-YEAR-OLD "KIDS" PLAYING WITH TOYS.
SO WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW?
THEY'RE GIVING ALL THE NOW GROWN-UP KIDS ADULT-ORIENTED LIVES. BUT I DON'T KNOW... I THINK IT LOSES SOME OF ITS CHARM.
"And remember... No telling Mommy I shot my probation officer"

THIS NEW RULE ABOUT COMIC STRIPS HAVING TO AGE THEIR CHARACTERS REALISTICALLY HAS REALLY CHANGED "FAMILY CIRCUS."
HOW SO?
WELL, WHEN THE KIDS ARE IN THEIR FIFTIES, IT'S... I DUNNO... DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT HOW?
"Get a job, Billy."

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW RULE REQUIRING ALL COMIC STRIPS TO AGE THEIR CHARACTERS REALISTICALLY? EVEN THE OLD STRIPS LIKE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HAVE TO DO IT.
THAT'S NUTS. THOSE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' KIDS WOULD HAVE TO BE ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW.
YEAH...I GUESS HAVING THEM GROWN UP PROBABLY CHANGES THE STRIP A LITTLE.
Faster, Mommy, faster!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A LETTER FROM THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY... LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE CHANGING SOME OF THE RULES FOR THE COMICS.
WHAT? WHY DO THEY CHANGE?
WELL, IT SAYS HERE THAT RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY COMIC STRIPS THAT ARE ACTUALLY HAVING THEIR CHARACTERS AGE ARE 'BABY BLUES' AND 'FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE'.
SO?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THEM, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT CERTAIN CHARACTERS HAVE TO AGE WHILE OTHERS GET TO REMAIN FROZEN IN TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
ACCORDING TO THIS, 'IT SHALL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ALL UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATED CARTOONS TO ADVANCE THEIR CHARACTERS TO THEIR APPROPRIATE AGE IN REAL- TIME, BASED UPON THE START DATE OF THE COMIC'.
WELL, THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO BAD FOR A STRIP LIKE OURS. WE'RE ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD.
YEAH, RUB IT IN YOU BIG, FAT @#$%@#& PIG.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR 'PEARLS' TO GET A GANGSTA MARTINI AROUND HERE.
CALL BOUNCER.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
PIG WANTS ME TO MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, BUT I GUESS SHE'S GOT A SORE THROAT. HE SAYS SHE'S A LITTLE HOARSE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Goodnight, son... Does you say you prayers?
NO, DAD.
Okay. We say together.
"God grant me da serenity to accept da prey me no can catch.
Courage to catch da prey me can.
And da wisdom teef to chew da big ones."
Me love you, sweetie.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

SIR, THERE'S BEEN AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. THREE TEENS IN A CAMARO. FORTUNATELY, THE DEVICE THEY THREW DID NOT EXPLODE AND I WAS ABLE TO LAUNCH A SUCCESSFUL COUNTERSTRIKE.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT'D THEY THROW??
THAT'S JUST A WATER BALLOON. THEY CAN'T HURT YOU.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE THE SECOND HALF OF THIS STORY.

Let me get this straight... you fire me?
OF COURSE I'M FIRING YOU!!
But me was on time.
YOU KILLED... A... CUSTOMER
...Nobody perfect, Bob.

A CROCODILE?? YOU SENT A CROCODILE TO REPLACE YOU AT THIS CAFE??
TAKE IT EASY. THAT CROC IS TOTALLY QUALIFIED.
QUALIFIED? HE EATS MAMMALS!! MY CUSTOMERS ARE MAMMALS!! THAT IS NOT AN OPTIMAL ARRANGEMENT!!
LISTEN, HONEY- THAT CROC IS AN INNOCUOUS PREDATOR. NOW UNLESS YOUR CUSTOMER IS A SELF-ABSORBED BOOKWORM, THERE'S NO WAY HE WON'T SEE HIM COMING.
...
THIS... IS... A...
OH, WE ARE SO NOT COMING BACK HERE.

RAT. IT'S ME, GARY, YOUR MANAGER AT THE COFFEE SHOP. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
BECAUSE CAPITALISM IS A CRUEL OPPRESSOR OF THE SOUL. JOIN ME, GARY. LET US THROW OURSELVES UPON THE GEARS OF THE MACHINERY.
GET YOUR G#%* IN HERE.
OH, RELAX, YOU TALKING SUIT...I GOT SOMEONE TO COVER FOR ME...HE SHOULD BE THERE BY NOW. LOOK FOR HIM. HE'S GREEN.
GREEN?
Customer bad. May me bite off head?
OH LORD.

Danny Donkey was being a jerk.
Danny Donkey saw Katie Cow playing her Game Boy.
May I play witht Game Boy?
I want to play with it, Danny Donkey.
"Sharing is important," said Danny Donkey, "Sharing is good."
Okay, Danny Donkey, I will share.
Danny Donkey grabbed the Game Boy and never came back.
THIS IS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK YOU'RE WRITING?
YES, I SHOW SOME BAD BEHAVIOR AND USE IT TO TEACH KIDS A MORAL.
WHERE'S THE MORAL?
LAST PAGE.
Never share.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
CHAPTER TWO: WHY HITTING IS SOMETIMES OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND THAT MIRROR?
BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH LOUDMOUTH, KNOW-IT-ALL IDIOTS THAT DEPRESS ME TO NO END. BUT NOW, WHEN I AM CONFRONTED BY ONE, I CAN LOOK IN THIS MIRROR AND BE REMINDED THAT TRUE GREATNESS STILL EXISTS.
THAT IS THE MOST UN-BELIEVABLY ARROGANT, ASININE THING I'VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY....

UH HUH UH HUH OKAY. BYE.
GEEZ. THAT WAS THE THIRD LONG CALL I GOT THIS MORNING. I NEVER KNOW HOW TO CUT A CALL SHORT.
JUST TELL 'EM YOU GOT YOUR MOM OR SOMEONE ON THE OTHER LINE. THAT'S WHAT I DO.
RING RING RING
HELLO? ... OH...HI... HEY, COULD I CALL YOU BACK? I GOT MY MOM ON THE OTHER LINE. SEE YA.
WHO WAS THAT?
MY MOM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO COMING TO ONE OF THESE CLUBS THAT ONLY LETS YOU IN IF THEY THINK YOU LOOK COOL.
DUDE, PLEASE, I WOULDN'T DO IT IF I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD GET IN. I LOOK OUT FOR MY FRIENDS. I'M NOT GONNA SEE YOU GET HUMILIATED.
YOU TWO ARE IN...
BINGO.
UH, NO.
...GOOD CALL ON CONE-BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?... WHEN YOU'RE IN A REALLY LONG STORE LINE AND THE GUY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WAITS UNTIL HE GETS TO THE CASH REGISTER TO START LOOKING FOR HIS CREDIT CARD. I MEAN, DUDE, COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE THAT **BEFORE** YOU GOT TO THE FRONT OF THE @#$% LINE?!?
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?... THAT'S HUMAN NATURE. THERE'S NO SOLUTION FOR THAT.
I'VE GOT A SOLUTION FOR THAT.
...NO ONE LIKES MY SOLUTIONS.

DUUUDE...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE DUMB VET-ERNARIAN CONES. HOW YOU GONNA DRINK YOUR STUPID COFFEE?
I DUNNO...I'M PROBABLY GONNA START NEEDING HELP WITH LOTS OF STUFF.
COUNT ON ME.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE FELL IN THE DRIVEWAY AND GOT A BIG SCRATCH, SO I TOLD HIM TO SEE THAT DOCTOR ON THE CORNER.
THAT'S A VETERINARIAN. YOU CAN'T SEND PIG TO A VETERINARIAN.
WHY NOT?
I THINK MY NERD QUOTIENT JUST SKYROCKETED.