Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO'S YOUR TALL FRIEND?
ATATURK, THE LLAMA. HE'S A DIPLOMAT.
A DIPLOMAT? HOW WONDERFUL! SO WHAT'S HIS METHOD FOR HANDLING DISPUTES? FRIENDLY MEETINGS? BUILDING TRUST? MAKING COMPROMISES?
PTUI
I PREFER FRIENDLY MEETINGS.

RUMBLE
RUMBLE
RUMBLE
KSSHH!!
ONE REFRIGERATOR MAGNET TOO MANY.

LARRY...WHAT TREE AT DOING?
ME IS TREE-CLIMBING ASSASSIN MONKEY.
LARRY...YOU JUSS CROCKYDILE.
HAHA...YOU KNOW ME CROCKYDILE. ME KNOW ME CROCKYDILE. BUT ZEEBA NOT KNOW NUTHENG.
YOU TINK.
ME KNOW. ZEEBA JUSS OVER FENCE...HE AT BIRTDAY PARTY FOR HENIGHB'S KEED. WHEN HE LEAVE, ME POUNCE.
OF COURSE DAT WORK. ONCE ZEEBA SEE HE IN JAWS OF TREE-CLIMBING ASSASSIN MONKEY, HE GEEVE UP SO FAST DAT----
WHAM
OHH...SORRY, KIDS. LOOKS LIKE THE PIÑATA'S OVER HERE.
GOOD, THIS ONE'S A RIOT.

GIMME CANDY! CANDY!

CAN I HELP - -
OH, GREAT.. YOU AGAIN..
PLEASE, SIR. DO NOT PRE-JUDGE ME. I WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE A GUN IN ORDER TO PREVENT CRIME.
OH?.. AND WHAT CRIME IS THAT?
THE CRIME OF MY BREAKING INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMENT LATE AT NIGHT TO STEAL A GUN THAT AN IDIOT NAMED YOU REFUSED TO SELL ME LEGALLY.
SO MUCH FOR THE DIPLOMATIC APPROACH.

HI, MAURA. THESE FLOWERS ARE FOR YOU... I THINK I LOVE YOU... PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME... PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE.
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
NEVER PIN YOUR HOPES ON A MIGRATORY BIRD.

HELLO, SIR...I’D LIKE TO GET THE CHATEAUBRIAND, COOKED MEDIUM WELL, AND A GLASS OF YOUR FINEST PINOT NOIR.
I WONDERFUL...AND FOR THE LADY?
SHE’S GOING OUTSIDE TO EAT BUGS.
SHE’S JUST A DUCK.

HEY, I HEAR THAT GUARD DUCK IS DATING A NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK. I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE COULDN'T DO THAT.
I CHANGED MY MIND... I THOUGHT OF A FEW JOKES I COULD DO WITH HER.
IT MUST BE SORT OF HARD TO BE A CARTOONIST WITH SUCH LIMITED ABILITIES. SORT OF LIKE A BASKETBALL PLAYER WITH NO ARMS... OR LEGS... ...OR HEAD...
I GET THE ANALOGY!
...JUST A LONELY TORSO ROLLING AROUND THE HALF COURT LINE.

YOU KNOW, MAURA, AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOUR INABILITY TO TALK WOULD HAMPER OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT NOW I SEE THERE ARE ADVANTAGES ...
FOR INSTANCE, YOU CAN NEVER TELL ME TO TURN OFF THE GAME OR EMPTY THE TRASH ... AND WHEN YOU DO MAKE SOUNDS, THEY'RE ALL OPEN TO INTERPRETATION.
QUAAACK
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP SAYING, "YOU HOT STUD", AFTER ALL MY SENTENCES.

WHO'S YOUR
FRIEND THERE,
GUARD DUCK?
MAURA, THE NON-
ANTHROPOMORPHIC
DUCK. THAT MEANS
SHE CAN'T TALK OR
ANYTHING… SHE'S
JUST A DUCK.
IS SHE
GOING TO
BE A
REGULAR
CHARACTER?
NO. THE STRIP'S CREATOR,
STEPHAN PASTIS, SAYS
THAT ALL ANIMALS IN THE
STRIP HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO TALK AND STUFF…
AND RULES ARE RULES.
PERHAPS WE'RE BEING
TOO STRICT.

GUARD DUCK, THIS IS MAURA. SHE'S A GIRL DUCK. I'M HOPING THAT BRINGING IN ANOTHER ANIMAL WILL HELP CALM YOU DOWN.
HOW DO MA'AM?
QUACK
SIR. THIS IS A NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK.
A WHAT?
SIR. THIS IS NON-ANTHRO-PO-MORPHIC. THAT MEANS I've DONE AWAY WITH THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A HUMAN BEING. SEE HOW I TALK AND WEAR A HAT? THIS GIRL'S JUST A DUCK.
AND DOES THIS CONCEPT MATTER?
I'M AFRAID IT DOES, PIG.
STEPHAN PASTIS? CREATOR OF 'PEARLS'?
HI, PIG. YEAH, LISTEN. HAVING INCONTROVERTIBLE NON-ANTHRO ANIMALS IN THE STRIP IS GOING TO HURT IT. THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK AND STUFF. IT'S PART OF THE PREMISE.
I'M SORRY, MR. PASTIS. PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME!
PIG, PIG, PIG. RELAX. YOU'RE THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS. BELIEVE ME, I'VE GOT CHARACTERS WHO--
WELL WELL WELL. IF IT ISN'T MR. "I GUESS GOLF AS WE KNOW IT IS NO LONGER A PART OF THE

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, I'D LIKE TO BUY A GUN TO SHOOT...BIRDS?...GEESE, TO BE EXACT.
OKAY, FINE. THERE IS, HOWEVER, A FIVE-DAY WAITING PERIOD TO-
WHAT?!? I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!! I'M MAD NOW AT MY STUPID...GOOSE. HE'S BEEN A BAD...GOOSE...REAL BAD.
HE'S ON TO ME.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. I’D LIKE A GUN SO I CAN POP MY NEIGHBOR IN THE REAR.
HE BOTHERS ME.
SIR, I CAN’T—
OKAY, STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU DEMON-LOVING LIBERAL.
I HOLD IN MY HAND A COPY OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT TO OUR CONSTITUTION, WHICH STATES AS FOLLOWS, IT SHALL BE THE RIGHT OF ALL AMERICANS TO SHOOT THEIR NEIGHBOR IN THE BUTT.
HE DIDN’T FALL FOR IT.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. I NEED A GUN. MY NEIGHBOR BOTHERS ME AND I'D LIKE TO POP HIM IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
SIR... I CAN'T SELL A GUN TO SOMEONE WHO TELLS ME THAT THEY'RE GONNA "POP" THEIR NEIGHBOR IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
FINE. I TAKE IT BACK. I SHALL ONLY SHOOT HIM ONCE.
... CURSE THESE LIBERAL GUN LAWS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR PHIL. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
THE ANCIENT ART OF FALCONRY, PIG. AFTER RAISING MY LOYAL AND BELOVED FALCONS FOR SIX YEARS, I HAVE LET THEM GO.
AND NOW... I AWAIT THEIR RETURN... THE GLORIOUS AND WONDROUS HIGH POINT IN ANY TRUE FALCONER'S LIFE.
TO FREEDOM.
TO PHIL BEING A BIG, FAT IDIOT.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I TOLD OUR NEIGHBORS WE WOULD BABYSIT THEIR ONE-YEAR-OLD SON WHILE THEY GO OUT TO DINNER.
DUDE, TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING. I HATE BABIES.
OHH, IT WON'T BE SO BAD… I HEAR HE'S VERY ADVANCED FOR HIS AGE.
PLEASE… HOW ADVANCED CAN A ONE-YEAR-OLD BE ?
SPORTSCENTER, NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PIG. I DIDN'T BUY YOU ANYTHING, BUT I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE...
AWW, GEE, LITTLE BUDDY, THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING. I JUST GOT YOU A LITTLE GIFT CERTIFICATE. HERE, IT'S A--
COULD I HAVE MY WALLET BACK?
Dang.

Deer Santy Closs,
you know what me want...
Black and white, four legs,
Two beeg ears. Super stoopid!
P.S. You grate!!!

This year my greatness was startling.
I made more cash than you. I bought nicer things than you. I had more success than you.
In short, here is my summary of the last twelve months.
Me: Total domination.
You: Blah blah blah who cares?
YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T SEND OUT AN ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LETTER.

Dear Santa,
Save us from destruction.
Save us from war.
Save us from ourselves.
YOU STUPID PIG... SANTA SPECIALIZES IN TOYS... HE GIVES TOYS.
Please throw in a yo-yo.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ZEEBA NEIGHBA!
WOW... A PICTURE OF THE SERENGETI! THANK YOU, LITTLE GUY!
YEAH, IT'S TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS LIVING OUT ON THE PLAINS... THAT WAY YOU WON'T GET HOMESICK.
THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU... YOU SURE YOUR DAD WON'T MIND?

NO.
Nuts.

SIR, RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE STREETS, IT'S A MOB SCENE, PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HEAD COVERINGS... THE CHANTING OF FUNDAMENTALIST DOGMA... CALL RETREAT, SIR, THE GREAT HOLY WAR IS UPON US.
AWAY IN A MANGER NO CRIB FOR HIS BED, THE LITTLE LORD JESUS LAID DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD...
LEMME GUESS. THEY PUT A FATWA ON THE DUCK.

Ho ho hooo zeeba neigba...
Come sit on Santa lap. Tell
Santa what you want get
for Kessmas. Santa give to
you anyting.
I'D LIKE A WORLD WHERE I CAN
BE SAFE IN MY OWN BACKYARD.
A WORLD WHERE NO ONE TRIES
TO EAT ME... A WORLD WHERE
I CAN LIVE IN PEACE.
How 'bout nice train?

OKAY, GUYS, EVERYBODY SMILE!
I HATE THESE STUPID CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS.
THUD!
OH, BOY! IT'S ONE OF SANTA'S ELVES! I BET HE'S HERE TO PICK UP OUR LISTS FOR SANTA! I GOTTA GET MY LIST FOR SANTA!
UUURRRRP
OH, THAT IS SOOO NOT IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY SECURITY MONKEY. LINUS HAD HIS BLUE BLANKET... I HAVE MY TOY MONKEY... WHENEVER SOMEONE MAKES ME FEEL BAD, I JUST TURN ON MY MONKEY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
Y'KNOW, THAT MIGHT BE CUTE FOR A LITTLE KID, BUT FOR SOMEONE GROWN UP LIKE YOU, THAT'S EMBARRASSING... NOT TO MENTION SAD...
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