Pearls Before Swine | Search

HELLO, MY SON...I'VE COME FOR A VISIT. THERE'S AN UGLY RUMOR FLOATING AROUND THE CROCODILE COMMUNITY THAT YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE CATCHING YOUR OWN FOOD. TELL ME THIS IS UNTRUE. REDEEM ME OF MY SHAME.
HEEEEEEY, FRANKIE BABY. HERE'S YOUR PEPPERONI AND THE SIDE OF BREADSTICKS. AND CHECK IT, BRO... BOSS SAYS NO CHARGE. HE SAYS ANYONE WHO ORDERS PIZZA EVERY NIGHT FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT WEEKS DESERVES ONE ON THE HOUSE NOW AND THEN. ANYHOW, SAY HI TO BOB, FRED AND JOJO FOR ME.
MY SHAME IS NOT REDEEMED.
Dat guy obviously confused.

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT THIS STUPID COMIC STRIP?
WHAT'S THAT?
THESE STICK ARMS AND LEGS. ANIMALS DON'T HAVE STICK ARMS AND LEGS. I MEAN, WOULD IT ABSOLUTELY KILL THE 'CHARACTER DESIGN DEPARTMENT' TO REFLECT JUST A LITTLE BIT OF REALITY?!? I'M GUNNA GO COMPLAIN TO THOSE MORONS RIGHT NOW...
... YOUR PROBLEM IS WHAT NOW?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
I GOT A NEW BALLOON ANIMAL, TIMMY THE DOG, BUT TIMMY HAD THIS SLOW LEAK AND I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA MAKE IT, SO I GAVE HIM TO RAT.
WHY'D YOU GIVE HIM TO RAT?
BECAUSE RAT SAID HE'S A TRAINED BALLOON ANIMAL DOCTOR AND HE KNOWS HOW MUCH TIMMY MEANS TO ME, SO I'M REALLY HOPING HE CAN ___
BAD NEWS... TIMMY HAD AN ADVERSE REACTION TO THE SCALPEL.
TIMMY!!
...WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD.

HI THERE, PIG... WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PARTY STUFF?
IT'S FOR MY NEW FRIEND, WILLY THE BALLOON DOG... IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND WE'RE HAVING A PARTY!
WOW...AND YOU EVEN GOT RAT TO COME?
YES, I CAME. I'M NOT A JERK ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW. I EVEN GOT THE LIL GUY A PRESENT.
OH, WILLY, LOOK!! IT'S A...
......CACTUS.
WHOA...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALMOST NO ONE KNOWS THEIR NEIGHBOR ANYMORE? WE DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER... WE DON'T VISIT EACH OTHER... NOTHING...
... EXCEPT FOR ONE DAY OF THE YEAR... TODAY. AND WHAT DO WE DO ON THIS UNIQUE DAY?... WE KNOCK ON OUR NEIGHBORS' DOORS... AND THREATEN THEM.
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
HEY, DUDE, TRICK OR TREAT ALREADY... C'MON, OPEN YOUR DOOR!
HE'S NOT HOME, LET'S EGG HIM.
I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

HEY, THERE, GOAT...I'LL BET YOU TEN DOLLARS I CAN PUT A BALL UNDER ONE OF THESE CUPS AND THEN MIX THEM AROUND REAL FAST...YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GUESS WHICH ONE THE BALL IS UNDER.
PIG... THOSE CUPS ARE TRANSPARENT.
SO I CAN SEE WHICH ONE THE BALL IS UNDER.
THAT'S WHY I MIX 'EM AROUND.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MIX THEM AROUND...I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT.
YOU'RE CONFIDENT, PIG...THE CUP IS TRANSPARENT...NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO SEE THE BALL.
WHOA WHOA WHOA...YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY, GOAT!...IF YOU'RE AFRAID TO TAKE A CHANCE AND LOSE ALL YOUR LUCK, JUST SAY SO.
AAAAHHHH!!!
...I'LL TAKE ANOTHER CHANCE, PIG, IF I COULD...
WELL, WELL, WELL...IF IT ISN'T MR. LUCKY...

LISTEN, PHIL...WE GOTTA GET THIS NEW GUY OUT OF THE BOOTH...HE'S A TOTAL MORON.
NO CHANCE, BOB. OUR OVERNIGHT RATINGS WERE WAY, WAY UP WITH THIS GUY.
BUT HE'S DUMB, RUDE AND TOTALLY DISMISSIVE OF THE GUESTS.
OH, PLEASE, BOB. WITH RATINGS THIS HIGH, HOW BAD CAN HE BE?
...And dat conclude interview wid Toby da Squirrel, author of "How to Fight Yo Enemies wid Love."

YEAH, HI. FIRST TIME CALLER...I'M WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF PRIVATIZING SOCIAL SECURITY...
PSSST...WE'RE LIVE. YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING...NOW.
DOES YOU WEAR PANTS?
CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
ME NO WEAR PANTS. IT FEEL GUUUUD.

I HEAR THAT SINCE THE CROCS CAN'T CATCH YOU, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR JOBS SO THEY CAN EARN MONEY AND BUY FOOD.
YEAH...AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THEY FOUND ONE.
WHAT JOB COULD AN UNEDUCATED, SELF-ABSORBED BUFFOON POSSIBLY GET?
Oh, yeah? Well, me think YOU idiot.

WELL, PIG... IT DIDN’T WORK... THE ONE GUY OUR WHOLE DIVIDED COUNTRY COULD GET BEHIND CAN NO LONGER PLAY CENTERFIELD... I GUESS WE’RE DOOMED TO WORK THIS OUT OURSELVES.
HEY, BY THE WAY, DID YOU EVER HEAR FROM RAT?
NOT SINCE WE LOST HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT... WONDER WHAT HE’S UP TO?
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
YOUR APPLICATION TO OPEN UP A CHAIN OF MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT CLUBS IS DENIED... PLEASE LEAVE OUR STATE.
@#$&*!

LISTEN, MR. WEE BEAR, I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU WANT TO BRING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER, BUT I'M 76, AND I CAN NO LONGER PLAY BASEBALL.
BUT THE COUNTRY NEEDS YOU, WEE. YOU'RE A SYMBOL OF AN ERA... YOU GET BACK IN CENTERFIELD.
I'M SORRY, SON.
WILLIE, PLEASE. I'M DROWNING IN A SEA OF SEAN HANNITYS AND JAMES CARVILLES AND ANN COULTERS AND AL FRANKENS. I WANT TO RETURN TO 1957 WHEN THIS WAS ONE NATION!
WHEN I COULDN'T EAT IN CERTAIN RESTAURANTS?
PLEASE, WILLIE...
I'M BUSY GLORIFYING THE PAST.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, HI. I’M WEE BEAR.
I’VE BEEN ON A JOURNEY
ACROSS AMERICA TO TRY
AND FIND THE ONE PERSON
WHO CAN BRING THIS
DIVIDED COUNTRY TOGETHER-
RED STATES AND BLUE STATES
ALIKE- AND YOU’RE HIM.
I PLAYED
BASEBALL..
YOU WERE BASEBALL, MR.
MAYS. YOU WERE THE GREAT-
EST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY
OF THE GAME AND AN ICON
OF A PAST ERA THAT SOME-
HOW SEEMS BETTER THAN TODAY.
SO HERE, TAKE THIS GLOVE,
GO BACK TO CENTERFIELD AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
I’M
74.
MAKE SURE TO
STRETCH.

HI... WELCOME TO MR. KORBA'S RESTAURANT. I'M TRUDY THE NEW WAITRESS. UH... WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
I'M RANDY RAI-RAI. I'M FILLING IN FOR MR. KORBA THIS WEEK. WANNA SEE WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT WEEK?
OK, SURE.
OKAY...
NO.
I THINK I NEED TO HAVE YOU ON... UH... WHAT TIME YOU WANT TO ORDER?
WELL, LISTEN, I GOTTA WORK A LITTLE BIT LATER THIS WEEK, SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO MR. KORBA IF YOU WANT JUST TEA,CLEAN THE FLOOR, WAITRESS...SATUR...
OKAY. BUT WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT SIGN ON HIS CHEF'S STATION?
DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU SMILE.
HAHAAA?!
YEAH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE CUSTOMER FEEL STUPID, Y'KNOW? LIKE THEY'RE SOMEONE... HIS RESPONSE IS "WHAAAA?!"
LIKE YOU'RE AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING. HE'S NOT VERY NICE, BUT HE'S A GOOD CHEF, SO NO ONE WANTS TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM.
BUT THAT'S RUDE. I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY?
MR. KORBA'S CHEF...... TEAR DOWN THIS "WHAAAA"!

HEY, RAT… HOW GOES IT?… ARE YOU GUYS FINALLY SEEING THE SIGHTS LIKE YOU WANTED TO?
NO… I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF THE BUS… I SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOU GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?
SALT LAKE CITY… THE PEOPLE ARE VERY NICE HERE AND ALL, BUT IT CAN’T BE A VERY FUN LIFE.
HEEL, GOD REPAYS OF THE “SALT LAKE TRIBUNE.”
OH, THAT’S TOO BAD.
WELL, IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, WE HAVE BEEN STAYING in SOME MOTEL IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, AND THERE’S NOTHING TO DO HERE EITHER.
WELL… IF THAT MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.
… THERE YOU GO.
I DON’T KNOW, BUT THERE’S A BIG GIANT PIRATE SHIP AND A PYRAMID AND AN EXPLODING VOLCANO THAT WON’T LET ME SLEEP…
AAAHHH!!! OH, AND NAKED DANCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
I HATE THAT.

PERRI'S JOURNEY ACROSS AMERICA.
THAT DOES IT!...I CAN'T STAND BEING IN THIS STUPID, BORING BUS ANYMORE! I GOTTA GET OUT! I GOTTA HAVE FUN! I GOTTA PARTY, DUDE... NOW!
YOU CAN'T, RAT...
WE HAVE TO GET TO CALIFORNIA.
THE GOSH I CAN'T...I'M GETTING OUT AT THE NEXT STOP NO MATTER WHAT IT IS AND I'M GONNA SMOKE AND YOU CAN GO ON WITHOUT ME FOR ALL I CARE!!!
SALT LAKE CITY, UT
CARE FOR A PAMPHLET?

THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY'LL TEAR US LIMB FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMB!!!
PIG, PIG, PIG... CALM DOWN... RELAX... NOBODY'S GONNA HURT YOU... YOU'RE OKAY, PIG...
...YOU'RE OKAY.
...TOLD YOU MT. RUSHMORE WOULD FREAK HIM OUT...
THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY WILL POP US LIKE GRAAAAAPES!!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, WEE BEAR?
IT'S A TRAVEL DIARY, PIG. AS WE JOURNEY ACROSS OUR NATION, I LIKE TO RECORD MY IMPRESSIONS.
WHAT DID YOU WRITE TODAY?
WELL, TODAY, AS WE PASS THROUGH THE HEARTLAND, I'M REMINDED OF F. SCOTT FITZGERALD'S REFERENCE TO THAT VAST OBSCURITY BEYOND THE CITY, WHERE THE DARK FIELDS OF THE REPUBLIC ROLL ON UNDER THE NIGHT!
BIG DEAL, LOSER. I KEEP A TRAVEL DIARY, AND I SAY PROFOUND THINGS... I JUST DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.
DUUUUUDE... TACO BELLS ARE EVERYWHERE!
HEY! GIMME THAT! GIMME THAT RIGHT NOW!!!
SIGH

WEE BEAR, IF YOU'RE GONNA SEARCH FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO YOU THINK CAN SAVE OUR COUNTRY, WE WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
OKAY, GUYS... BUT THIS IS A SOLEMN JOURNEY. AND I WANT TO USE THE CROSS-COUNTRY BUS TREK TO REFLECT ON THE IMPORTANCE OF MY SEARCH...
WE UNDERSTAND.
...ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.

WHERE YOU GOING, WEE BEAR?
I'M TAKING THE BUS TO CALIFORNIA.
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY'S BADLY DIVIDED. AND I'M OFF TO FIND THE ONE PERSON WHO THINK CAN SAVE US. THE ONE PERSON WE CAN ALL BELIEVE IN.
...I'M THINKING CHER.

OKAY, MOM… WHAT ARE YOU SO GIDDY ABOUT?
I PULLED MY FIRST PRANK!
YOU PRANKED SOMEONE?
OH, DID I! LISTEN TO THIS… I WENT TO THAT TACO BELL® DOWNTOWN AND PULLED MY CAR INTO THE DRIVE THRU LINE… THEN I ORDERED TEN CHALUPAS®, WHICH COST, LIKE, FIFTEEN DOLLARS, RIGHT?
THEN I PULLED UP TO THE WINDOW WHERE YOU PAY, GAVE THE WOMAN A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL… AND SLICKER SLICKER I DROVE OFF!
…WITHOUT THE FOOD!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU…

Leesten, Zeeba... Me watch "Dr. Phil" T.V. self-help goovoo, and he always say ees good be honest wid udders.
So here I goze...
...Me want keel you.
How nice. And let me be honest with you. I hope you starve, you sad, moronic beast.
Dat comment totally inappropriate.
Ees okay, Bob. Me here for you.

Larry! Larry! Me caught one!
Me caught one!
A real live aneemal!!!
Lemme see, Jojo!! Lemme see!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
IT'S A LETTER TO 'DEAR BETTY.' SHE'S THAT FROG IN THE PAPER WHO OFFERS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
GEE, PIG. THAT 'DEAR BETTY' HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING A LITTLE CYNICAL. YOU SURE YOU WANT HER ADVICE?
OH, SURE! I LOVE 'DEAR BETTY,' AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA AND I CAN HAVE A HAPPY, NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE RARELY FIGHT AND NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED.
Good luck, moron.

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR RON... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
WOW... LOOKS LIKE QUITE A FIGHTER.
WHAT IS HE?... A FEATHERWEIGHT?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
... I JUST DON'T REACT WELL TO PUNS.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET MARRIED?
NOT UNTIL THEY ELIMINATE THE MARRIAGE PENALTY.
YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT TAXES?
IT RELATES TO TAXES?
THAT'S ALL IT RELATES TO.
SO I'LL STILL BE STUCK WITH ONE WOMAN WHO CUTS HER HAIR SHORT AND YELLS AT ME?
NEVER MIND.
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.