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I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING HOROSCOPES.
YEAH. HERE'S WHAT I WROTE FOR TAURUS: "THE FAULT, DEAR BRUTUS, IS NOT IN OUR STARS, BUT IN OURSELVES."
YOU FRAUD. THAT WAS WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE.
WELL, I WROTE IT, TOO.
HE WROTE IT FIRST.
GOOD LITERATURE IS NOT A RACE.

I HEAR YOU'RE WRITING HOROSCOPES FOR THE PAPER.
YEAH... HERE'S GEMINI: "IF YOU THINK THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR SAD LITTLE LIFE BE SOLVED BY LOOKING TO THE STARS, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUMP OFF A CLIFF."
WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S JUST AN INSULT. AS AN ASTROLOGIST, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A PREDICTION.
...DESPITE YOUR FRANTIC ARM-FLAPPING, YOU WILL NOT FLY.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING HOROSCOPES FOR THE PAPER.
LET'S HEAR ONE.
OKAY, HERE'S CAPRICORN: "YOU ARE DUMB. NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TODAY WILL CHANGE THAT FACT."
THEY'RE EERILY ACCURATE.

DO YOU THINK AFTER SOMEONE YOU KNOW DIES THAT ONE DAY YOU GET TO SEE THEM AGAIN?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE OUR MAILMAN, FRED, DIED LAST FALL AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE.
REMIND ME NOT TO HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT HE NEVER WAS MUCH OF A MAILMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I'M CALCULATING HOW MUCH I SHOULD PUT IN MY I.R.A THIS YEAR... IT'S IMPORTANT TO PLAN FOR YOUR RETIREMENT, YOU KNOW.
HEY, NO NEED TO LECTURE US, MR. MONEY BAGS... ME AND PIG SET ASIDE MONEY FOR OUR RETIREMENT EVERY WEEK.
OH, YEAH? IN AN I.R.A. OR 401K?
THE L.O.T.T.E.R.Y.
SCRATCH AND WIN, BABY!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
IT’S A SELF-HELP BOOK. IT’S CALLED, “HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND BAMBOOZLE IDIOTS.”
CAN I BUY ONE?
I’M AFRAID NOT. THE SUCCESS OF THE BOOK IS DEPENDENT ON THERE BEING IDIOTS, AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO BAMBOOZLE, WE IDIOTS, WE SIMPLY CAN’T TELL YOU OUR SECRETS, NOW, CAN WE?
OH, GEE... SORRY, RAT, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT.
IT’S OKAY, GOOD BUDDY... WE ALL HAVE OUR ROLES IN LIFE.
MAYBE... YOU KNOW... IF YOU GET THE TIME, YOU MIGHT WRITE A BOOK FOR GUYS LIKE ME. WE CAN USE HELP, TOO, YOU KNOW.
HMMM... OKAY... YOU TALKED ME INTO IT,
... “HOW TO GET BAMBOOZLED LIKE THE IDIOT I AM.”
AND LOOK! I EVEN PUT YOU ON THE COVER!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A BOOK ON HERBERT HOOVER,
I KNOW HIM... HE'S THAT PRESIDENT WHO PROMISED POT TO EVERY CHICKEN,
HE PROMISED A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT.
WHOA, DUDE... FOR A SECOND, LIKE, I ALMOST VOTED...

JENNIFER! JENNIFER! I JUST SPOTTED A KILLER WHALE ACROSS THE STREET!!
A KILLER WHALE? ONE OF OUR PREDATORS IN OUR VERY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD?? HOW CAN THAT BE??
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK HE SAW ME SPOT HIM, SO NOW HE'S TRYING TO HIDE.
HIDE? HIDE WHERE??

HI, NEIGHBOR WINKLE. HEY, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME LOOK THROUGH MY GARAGE SOME TIME TODAY? I CAN'T FIND MY PRUNING SHEARS.
SURE, PIG...NOT A PROBLEM.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, DUDE.
I AM SO NOT GONNA SPEND MY AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THIS IDIOT CAN'T FIND ON HIS OWN...I'M GONNA SIT ON THE @#*&% COUCH, MAYBE CATCH A LITTLE FOOTBALL, AND THAT'S IT, DUDE...SO LEAVE ME THE @#*&% ALONE...
LAZY EYE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We is tagging you house. Haha. You is stoopid loser, man.
MY HOUSE? THIS IS YOUR HOUSE.
..Gud ting we write small.
STOOPID STOOPID STOOPID

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M JOHN THE SEAL, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, JENNIFER... WE JUST MOVED HERE FROM THE PACIFIC TO GET AWAY FROM PREDATORS... WE'RE HOPING THIS IS A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD.
NOT FOR ME. I'VE GOT SOME CROC NEIGHBORS. BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF YOUR PREDATORS AROUND.
OH, JEN! DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE'VE FINALLY FOUND IT. A NICE, SAFE PLACE WE CAN CALL HOME!
OH, YAY! YAY!
Domino's? ...Cancel that pizza.

Dear Donald Rumsfeld,
I am a big fan of the "Care Bears." My favorite is Harmony Bear. He's a smiling flower on his tummy that symbolizes his dream of everyone getting along.
I think we should send him to Iraq.
YOU DUMB PIG. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK DONALD RUMSFELD'S GONNA FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND SEND A CARE BEAR TO IRAQ WHO WILL MAGICALLY PRANCE AROUND CONVINCING THE INSURGENTS TO LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS AND BE HARMONIOUS?
... I no care what he tell you, Ahmed... You take off shirt.

HELLO, SON.
HULLO, MAMA.
SON, THERE'S A RUMOR AT THE HAIR SALON THAT YOU'VE BEEN SHOPLIFTING FOR FOOD AT SAFEWAY.
I TOLD THEM IT WASN'T TRUE.
I TOLD THEM THAT NO SON OF MINE WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD EATING SOMETHING HE DIDN'T CATCH.
TELL ME I'M RIGHT, SON.
YOU RIGHT, MAMA.
FINE...NOW BE A GOOD SON AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO PUT MY SHOES IN...MY FEET HURT AND I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THEM HOME.
TAKE IT. ME GOT LOTS.

I WISH I COULD MEET MORE WOMEN, BUT I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
TRY GIVING THEM A UNIQUE COMPLIMENT.
LIKE WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW...JUST PICK SOMETHING ABOUT THEM THAT MOST GUYS DON'T NORMALLY COMPLIMENT. WOMEN LOVE THAT.
...YOU HAVE NICE NOSTRILS.

ISN'T IT GREAT HOW EVERY TIME
THE PENTAGON DOES SOMETHING
WRONG, THEY GET TO INVESTIGATE
IT THEMSELVES? WE SHOULD LET
GUYS WHO ROB 7-11'S DO THAT ...
"SIR, I LOOKED INTO IT, AND
DISCOVERED I WAS NOWHERE NEAR
THAT CONVENIENCE STORE ON THE
NIGHT IN QUESTION...I'M FREE
TO GO."
SURE WOULD UNCLOG THE COURTS.

LISTEN, PAM. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND I REALLY THINK IT'S TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
I'M SORRY, SIR. I DON'T MEAN TO INTRUDE, BUT DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY THE PHRASE, "TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL"?
WHY, YES. YES, YOU DID.
I THOUGHT SO.
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
IF SHOES TO THE HEAD CAN'T STOP THAT STUPID EXPRESSION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAN.

WHAT'S THAT, NEIGHBOR, JOHN?
IT'S MY BELOVED DOG, SKIPPY. SADLY, I FOUND HIM DEAD ON THE PORCH YESTERDAY AND DECIDED TO HAVE HIM STUFFED.
DUUUUDE... I... WAS... ONLY... SLEEPING...
AW, NUTS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY NEW, REMOTE-CONTROLLED HEART. SINCE YOU BROKE MY LAST ONE, I HAD TO GET A NEW ONE.
LEMME SEE...
...HEY!.. MAKE IT COME BACK!
CAN'T. IT'S STUCK.
WHAT DO I DO?
ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A LITTLE REMOTE-CONTROLLED GLASS HEART. I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO THE PRETTIEST GIRL I CAN FIND. IT SYMBOLIZES THAT WHERE-EVER SHE GOES, MY HEART GOES WITH HER.
CAN I TRY IT?
SURE.
(floaty)
SMASH
SQUICKY
JUST SAVING YOU TIME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, PIG?
I WAS WALKING BY THIS TREE AND MY EAR GOT CAUGHT ON THE BRANCH.
CAN YOU GET DOWN?
NO.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP?
THAT'S A LOT OF WORK, AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
OKAY.
BUT LISTEN... I KNOW THE WINTER'S APPROACHING AND THAT IT'S GONNA GET REAL COLD, SO I JUST WANT TO SAY... "GOOD LUCK."
AWW... THANK YOU, LITTLE BUDDY.
NO PROBLEM, PAL... YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YOU, TOO, LITTLE BUDDY.
...IT'S NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO FATHER NICK'S FUNERAL.
WHO'S FATHER NICK?
HE WAS OUR PRIEST.
OUR PRIEST? SINCE WHEN?
1979.
PERHAPS I'VE MISSED A SUNDAY OR TWO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID PIG?
I GOT SOME PHOTOS MAILED TO ME, BUT I DROPPED THE PACKAGE AND NOW THERE'S NOT A DARN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
JUST BEND DOWN AND PICK IT UP, YOU MORON.
I CAN'T. LOOK...
FRIGHTENING, ISN'T IT?
MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE UMBRELLA?
I AM TOLD BY A RELIABLE AUTHORITY THAT GOD SEES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
AND YOU'RE HOPING HE LIKES UMBRELLAS?
I'M HOPING TO BLOCK HIS VIEW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STOP TALKING NOW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STEP UNDER THIS UMBRELLA, SO I CAN POUND YOUR BIG, FAT HEAD.

HI, THERE...I'M FROM THE CABLE COMPANY...I'M HERE TO DISCONNECT YOUR SERVICE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
IT APPEARS YOU'VE BEEN LETTING SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS CUT INTO YOUR CABLE LINE AND STEAL THE SIGNAL. THAT VIOLATES OUR TERMS OF SERVICE.
BUT I DIDN'T LET ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. I...I WOULD NEVER LET A FRIEND STEAL THE SIGNAL.
Sopranos best show EVAH.

SOMETIMES I THINK
THE WORST OF ALL SINS
IS TO HAVE POTENTIAL
AND THEN SQUANDER
IT... DON'T YOU
THINK?
I'M SORRY... I
DIDN'T HEAR
YOU... I WAS
TRYING TO
MEMORIZE A
FAMOUS POEM.
OH YEAH?
...WHICH
ONE?
"BEANS, BEANS,
THE MAGICAL FRUIT,
THE MORE YOU EAT
THE MORE YOU ---"
UHH.. WAIT A MINUTE...
HOW'S THAT THING END?
IT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE
POTENTIAL
IS AN ISSUE
FOR YOU.
AWWW, NUTS...
HOW COULD I
FORGET MY
FAVORITE
ROBERT FROST
POEM?