Pearls Before Swine | Search

DUDE, I SAW THE MOST AMAZING SHOW LAST NIGHT. IT WAS ALL ABOUT CARRIER PIGEONS. PEOPLE ATTACH THESE MESSAGES TO THEIR LEGS AND SOMEHOW THESE BIRDS ARE ABLE TO LOCATE THE INTENDED RECIPIENT HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY.
BUT HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
NO ONE REALLY KNOWS. IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE…
...SECOND HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

OKAY, CROCODILE NEIGHBOR, LISTEN UP! YOU BOAR PALS HAVE TERRORIZED THE ZEBRAS FOR FAR TOO LONG. SO WE’RE GONNA GIVE YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE FOR A CHANGE.
BUT NOBODY EAT CROCODILE.
YEAH, WELL THAT’S GONNA CHANGE. WE GOT NUMBERS.
NO… NO… NOBODY EAT CROCODILE. WE’RE ALL FINE.
THAT’S A BUFFET… BUT FINE.
HEY, NOT TO INTERRUPT, BUT I’VE ACTUALLY HEARD THAT…
HEARD WHAT?
THAT THEY TASTE BAD. SERIOUSLY. I THINK I SAW IT ON YORAH!
ALRIGHT. FINE. WE’LL TASTE HIM. ..GENIE, LICK THE CROCODILE …
*LIIIIICK*
DUUUUUDE… THAT’S… FOUL… REPULSIVE… AND HOLY SMOKES, DOES THIS EVEN REEK. LET’S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE I HURL......
…Me don’t know whether cheer or have beeg cry.

THIS POLITICIAN IS SO DUMB. HE'S JUST DIGGING HIS OWN GRAVE.
WOW. HOW CHEAP CAN A DEAD GUY BE ?
WHAT DEAD GUY ?
THE POLITICIAN WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PAY FOR HIS OWN BURIAL.
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING.

EVERYONE THINKS WE PROTECT ANIMALS BASED ON HOW SMART THEY ARE. BUT IT'S NOT TRUE... WE SAVE ANIMALS BASED ON HOW CUTE THEY ARE...
DOLPHINS, CHIMPS, SEALS - ALL CUTE. THUS, THEY'RE SAVED. COWS, TURKEYS, PIGS - UNCUTE... THUS, WE EAT THEM. ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT WE VALUE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE? ...ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT IT DETERMINES YOUR VERY SURVIVAL?
CLICK
CLICK CLICK
WHISTLE
CLICK

YAY! YAY! YAY!
WHAT ARE YOU JUMPING AROUND FOR, YOU DUMB PIG?
HAHAHA!! LOOK! I JUST GOT THIS CATALOG FILLED WITH PRETTY WOMEN, AND IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE WOMAN!!! WOOHOOOO!!
DUDE, THAT'S THE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG. IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE CLOTHES. THEY DON'T SEND YOU THE WOMAN
I GREW SAD.
YOU WERE SAD BEFORE THAT.

I'VE JUST CALCULATED THAT EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT THE BEACH HAS BEEN INFINITELY MORE ENJOYABLE THAN EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT A JOB.
HOWEVER, IN ORDER TO SPEND YOUR DAYS AT THE BEACH, YOU NEED MONEY. AND TO GET MONEY, YOU NEED A JOB.
CRUEL, ISN'T IT?

HEY, DORIS THE SWORDFISH... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... I'M LONELY... REAL LONELY...
WHY IS THAT, DORIS?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE, THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS BADLY.
HOW BADLY?
PRETTY BADLY.

DUDE... WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? THERE'S NO CREAM IN MY COFFEE.
WE RAN OUT... BUT I COULD GO TO THE STORE AND GET SOME.
THE GROCERY STORE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. MY COFFEE WILL GET COLD.
NO... THERE'S A PLACE JUST DOWN THE BLOCK THAT SELLS IT.
THERE'S NO PLACE ON OUR BLOCK THAT SELLS CREAM.
SURE THERE IS... IN FACT, THERE'S A BIG SIGN OUT FRONT... "CREMATORIUM".
...THAT OUGHTA MAKE FOR AN INTERESTING EXCHANGE.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE.
OH, GREAT.
IN THE END, WE ARE ALL FORGOTTEN. AS MUCH AS WE SPEND OUR LIVES SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV. DRINKING BEER AND EATING NACHOS.
IS THAT SO?
YES, CASE IN POINT...CAN YOU NAME THREE KINGS FROM THE 1700S?
OF COURSE I CAN...I CAN PROBABLY NAME OVER 100 PEOPLE...SO THERE.
THE WHO'S ?
SURE...AT LEAST TEN OR TWELVE.
THE SEVENTH CENTURY B.C.?
UHHH...WELL...NO.
THE EIGHTH?
UHH...NO.
SO...EVEN IF YOU WERE THE GREATEST POET OR ARTIST OR KING OR TV COOK, A GUY AS SMART AS MY FRIEND CAN'T IDENTIFY YOU IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY. DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME...IT'S AS IF YOU NEVER EXISTED!!!
THE TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.?
WELL...MAYBE A COUPLE.
...GOT ANY MORE NACHOS?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... DID YOU JUST RUN IN THE MARATHON?
YEAH, BUT IT DIDN'T GO WELL. MY BODY GAVE OUT WITH ONE MILE TO GO.
OH, NO... WASN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU COULD'VE DONE?
WELL, I TRIED TO MOTIVATE MYSELF BY CHANTING, "A JOHNSON NEVER QUITS. A JOHNSON NEVER QUITS." BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
WHY NOT?
I'M NOT A JOHNSON.

HIYA, RITA...
GOSH... AM I TIRED...
I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-HOUR SURGERY...
HEY, SURGEON BOB... LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A STICKY NOTE STUCK TO YOUR SHOE.
OH, THANKS... I USE 'EM TO HELP ME REMEMBER STUFF. THIS ONE MUSTA DROPPED. LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UHH... "AMPUTATE LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM..."
FIDDLESTICKS.

Hullooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... You house nice, but lack certain warmth... Please let me put nice homemade wreath onah fireplace.
YOU ARE NOT COMING INTO THIS HOUSE TO PUT A HOMEMADE WREATH OVER THE FIREPLACE.
Somewhere Martha Stewart cry.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW GUYS WITH BIG, BUSHY MUSTACHES ALSO TEND TO HAVE GOOFY GLASSES AND A BELLY?
YEAH... THAT'S WEIRD.
DOES THE MUSTACHE LEAD TO THE BELLY?
MAYBE THE BELLY LEADS TO THE GLASSES...
OR MAYBE GUYS WHO HAVE TO WEAR BIG, GOOFY GLASSES JUST SAY TO HECK WITH PERSONAL GROOMING' AND LET THEIR WHOLE APPEARANCE GO TO POT.
AHA! I BET THAT'S IT.
DO YOU MIND?
AND ANOTHER THING... WHY IS EVERYONE SO DARN SENSITIVE THESE DAYS?
YEAH. THAT'S WEIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M GOING TO THROW THIS MIDGET OFF THE PIER.
WHAT--?! WHY?
TO SEE IF I CAN GET A LITTLE MORE DISTANCE THAN I DID WITH THE LAST ONE.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HOME OF STEPHAN PASTIS...
HONEY, WHY ARE ANGRY SHORT PEOPLE HOLDING SIGNS ON OUR LAWN?

WELL WELL WELL... IF IT ISN'T MY OLD NEMESIS, ANIME-AME.
I SEE YOU'RE BACK TO EVEN THE SCORE.
THAT'S WRONG, PIG... I WANT TO BURY THE HATCHET... I NO LONGER WANT TO BE YOUR ENEMY.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ENEMY, ANNIE MAY, THE ANEMONE.
NO, PIG... AND TO PROVE MY GOODWILL, I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU A TWO-NIGHT STAY AT A LUXURY HOTEL THAT FEATURES AIR-CONDITIONING, AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL, AND FREE MOVIES, INCLUDING JAPANESE ANIME...
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BRIBE ME WITH AMENITIES LIKE ANIME, ANNIE MAY, MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY.
ENOUGH!!!

THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB BY RAT
Angry Bob was angry.
Hey Bob! You won free flowers from the County Fair!
Angry Bob went to the address and knocked on the door.
It's a small, well-lit, wholesome theme.
All praise be to the fairies!
Walking the shop, Bob saw fairies on rafters throwing flowers at customers. He hated flowers, and he hated fairies.
The more confused Bob got, the angrier he got.
Termed "The Fountain O' Hope," it was a large fountain framed by hundreds of flowers, delivering Cupid's gel, sprayed out of cherubim's butts.
Bob made it to the fountain. He stared at a red-haired woman next to it. She appeared to be boiling in anger.
The woman screamed her entire life story at Bob, uninvited. Upon finishing, she ran away and screamed.
Reluctantly, the red-haired woman took the flower, sighed, smiled, and walked away.
Then, the spring gnomes surrounded Bob.
AND CRASHED INTO THE LARGE FOUNTAIN.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN OF HOPE.
AND SCREAMED.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN WAS NO HOPE.
THEN SPRING GNOMES RIDING FAIRY INFESTED PANDA BEARS CHARGED OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN AND CRUSHED THE BOB. THEN HE DROWNED, FINISH

IF A TACO TRUCK TURNED OVER ON THE FREEWAY, WOULD YOU CHECK ON THE CONDITION OF THE DRIVER OR HELP YOURSELF TO SOME TACOS?
PLEASE. OF COURSE I'D CHECK ON THE DRIVER. THE FIRST THING YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO IS DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT HE'S CONSCIOUS.
I KNEW IT... YOU ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT OTHERS, BUT YOU DO.
OF COURSE I DO.
...AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS?
I'D STEAL THE TACOS.

HEY THERE, RAT.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY STINKIN' COFFEE?
WHOA. THAT'S WEIRD... I BOUGHT IT... THEN I WALKED TO THE CAR... THEN I NEEDED TO GET MY KEYS, SO I PUT IT ON TOP OF THE CAR... THEN I DROVE OFF....
IT'S ON THE CAR.

DRAW, BART...
CAN'T DO IT, FLOYD.
YOU DONE GONE YELLOW ON ME, BART?
I DONE GOT NO ARMS, FLOYD... YOU AIN'T NEITHER.
&*%@#.
SPAGHETTI WESTERNS ARE SOOOOOOOO OVERRATED.

Hullo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me want say sorry for tings we does and geeve you nice paypahweight as token of new-found frensheep.
TA-DAAA!!!
...MY COUSIN'S SKULL.
Sorry. Me no have time to shop.

"LITTLE MISS MUFFET
SAT ON A TUFFET
EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY.
ALONG CAME A SPIDER
WHO SAT DOWN BESIDE HER
AND FRIGHTENED MS. MUFFET AWAY."
"THEN MUFFET WENT BACK
AND CHECKED HER GUN RACK,
GRABBING A .357.
FINDING THE SPIDER,
SHE SAT DOWN BESIDE HER
AND BLEW THAT POOR SUCKER TO HEAVEN."
THE UNCUT VERSION.

HEY RAT...
WANT TO PLAY WITH MY VIKING ACTION FIGURINES?
YEAH, DUDE. I LOVE VIKINGS. WANT ME TO SET UP A TOWN FOR THE GUYS TO BURN AND PILLAGE?
I'M SORRY.
MY VIKINGS DON'T BURN AND PILLAGE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T BURN AND PILLAGE? ALL VIKINGS BURN AND PILLAGE.
MY VIKINGS COLLECT DAISIES AND WRITE THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS IN A DIARY.
VIKINGS DO NOT WRITE THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS IN A @#$%&*# DIARY !!!!!
Today I heard a naughty word.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
I KEEP ONE OF THOSE WEB LOGS. RIGHT NOW, I'M UPDATING IT.
WHAT DO YOU NEED A STUPID BLOG FOR?
I RECORD ALL OF THE CROCODILES' FAILED ATTEMPTS TO KILL ME AND WHAT I DID TO AVOID IT.
WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?
OTHER ZEBRAS. THIS HAS BECOME THE SITE FOR HOW TO AVOID THE STUPID CROCODILES.
BUT DUDE, ALL THE CROCS WOULD HAVE TO DO IS TURN ON THE COMPUTER, GOOGLE "ZEBRAS", AND BOOM, THEY'D KNOW YOUR SECRETS.
I'M NOT WORRIED.
Work. NOW. Or me keek you een head.
Stand back, Bob. Me gonna yank his cord.

IN ORDER TO DO GOOD, SOMETIMES YOU MUST DO EVIL.
SMACK
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.

HELLO, MY SON...I'VE COME FOR A VISIT. THERE'S AN UGLY RUMOR FLOATING AROUND THE CROCODILE COMMUNITY THAT YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE CATCHING YOUR OWN FOOD. TELL ME THIS IS UNTRUE. REDEEM ME OF MY SHAME.
HEEEEEEY, FRANKIE BABY. HERE'S YOUR PEPPERONI AND THE SIDE OF BREADSTICKS. AND CHECK IT, BRO... BOSS SAYS NO CHARGE. HE SAYS ANYONE WHO ORDERS PIZZA EVERY NIGHT FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT WEEKS DESERVES ONE ON THE HOUSE NOW AND THEN. ANYHOW, SAY HI TO BOB, FRED AND JOJO FOR ME.
MY SHAME IS NOT REDEEMED.
Dat guy obviously confused.