Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THAT, PIG?
IT'S MY HOPES AND DREAMS VASE. I JUST MADE IT. WHENEVER I HAVE A HOPE OR DREAM, I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN AND PUT IT IN HERE. THEN MY DREAMS'LL COME TRUE.
BAD SIGN.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

THE FIVE DENTISTS... YOU KNOW HOW ON THE COMMERCIALS, IT ALWAYS SAYS FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?.. THIS IS THEM.

WHY'D YOU BRING THEM?

THEY LOVE THIS RESTAURANT.

LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE THIS PLACE.

IT'S GREAT.

SUPER.

TERRIFIC.

THIS PLACE BITES.

HI...UH... I'M ERNIE... AND I'VE... I'VE... GOT A PROBLEM.
HI, ERNIE!!
I... UH... LIKE... WHENEVER I SEE AN INSPIRATIONAL LITTLE STORY ON THE INTERNET, I... UM, ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO...UH... SEND IT TO... EVERYONE I KNOW...
IT'S OKAY, MAN.
IT'S ALRIGHT.
AND LIKE, UH, IF THERE'S A FUNNY JOKE OR PICTURE OR A LINK I LIKE... I... UH, I SEND THAT, TOO...
AND LIKE US, ERNIE... WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE DO YOU GET?
HI...UH...PRETTY MUCH NOTHING... IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T CARE.
AND YET WHAT DO YOU DO THE NEXT TIME YOU FIND SOMETHING INTERESTING ON THE INTERNET?
I SEND IT TO EVERYONE... I CAN'T STOP...UH... GRANT, IT'S AWFUL...I JUST KEEP DOING IT!!
IT'LL BE OKAY, BUD.
WE'LL HELP YOU STOP.
WELCOME TO INFOSENDERS ANONYMOUS
[jokes misspelled--typed backwards]
IF YOU CARE HOW LITTLE YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU, YOU'VE TAKEN THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY
LAST NAMES ARE OPTIONAL.
YOU CAN OPENLY CLAIM TO THINK LIFE AFFIRMING STORIES YOU PASS ALONG WILL ACTUALLY MAKE PEOPLE CARE
YOU CAN ALWAYS ADMIT TO BEING THE "HE

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

IT'S MY NEW CHICK COREA C.D... HE'S MY FAVORITE JAZZ PIANIST.

WELL, I'M SURE HE'D BE A LOT MORE POPULAR IF HE'D JUST STOP THREATENING OUR COUNTRY WITH NUCLEAR MISSILES.

THAT'S NORTH KOREA.
OH... WHAT INSTRUMENT DOES HE PLAY?

EXCUSE ME, PAL... IS THIS YOUR PRODUCE?
YES, OFFICER, IT IS... IS THERE A PROBLEM?
YOU BET THERE'S A PROBLEM. THEY JUST GOT PICKED UP IN A VICE STING DOWNTOWN. LISTEN, EITHER YOU KEEP A BETTER EYE ON YOUR PRODUCE, OR YOU AND ME ARE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM.
BELIEVE ME, OFFICER, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER LET MY PRODUCE LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT... IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN...
...I THINK I KILLED THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT... THE BROCCOLI JUST ASKS YOU FOR THE CAR KEYS AND BADDA-BING, BADDA-BOOM, HE GETS 'EM??

WELL, GOSH, HE ASKED SO NICELY.. WHAT COULD I DO?
SURE, I KNOW THE SCORE, PAL... THE SNEAKY VEGETABLE GETS THE CAR KEYS... MEAN, LISTEN, IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN, AND THE BROCCOLI GETS WHAT HE WANTS, THEN WE GET WHAT WE WANT... GOT IT?
... IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE CAR.
BELIEVE ME, WE WON'T.

EXCUSE ME, PAL... SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT CAN I BORROW THE CAR KEYS?
AREN'T YOU THE BROCCOLI FROM OUR FRIDGE?
YEAH, BUT I GOTTA GET OUT, MAN... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOTCHA.
OKAY, HERE. BUT BE DISCREET ABOUT IT. IF WORD GETS OUT AMONG THE OTHER PRODUCE THEY'RE ALL GONNA WANT TO LEAVE.
...WE'RE HEARING TALK.

Brudders, brudders... Peeze gadder togeder. We got sad announcement to make... gahden gnomes not reel peePul...
We know dis beeg deesappointment foh you who tink you catch reel peePul. We hope dis not affekk you too much.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
AT THE HOME AND GARDEN CENTER BUYING GARDEN GNOMES.
WHY GARDEN GNOMES?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I PUT PLASTIC FLAMINGOS ON THE LAWN, SOMEONE STEALS THEM...I'M HOPING THAT WHOEVER IT IS WILL AT LEAST LEAVE THESE ALONE.
We is moving up da food chain, baby!!

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YEAH...WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE WINE COUNTRY.
WELL...YOU FOUND IT...NOT MUCH TO IT, THOUGH, IS IT?
IT LOOKS OKAY TO ME.
YEAH, BUT
WE'VE HAD STORMS...
TOO MUCH FOGGY NIGHTS...
TOO MUCH COLD CRUDE,
AND
OH, THE TRAFFIC. WHAT ABOUT THE TRAFFIC?! THE POLLEN ? MY ALLERGIES?
GUYS GUYS GUYS...WINE COUNTRY... W-I-N-E... NO "H."
OH...
NO IDEA, MAN.
BUT IT'S PROBABLY A TERRIBLE PLACE TO VISIT !!
WHY, WAY OVERPRICED, DUDE!
GET BACK HERE! I HAVEN'T FINISHED LISTING MY HEALTH PROBLEMS !!
BUT I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THIS PLACE.
SHUT UP, MORON...I'VE READ THE MAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I WISH I KNEW.
HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF TIED UP IN A GARDEN HOSE WITH A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD AND NOT KNOW WHY?
IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF MORNING.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
I AM JOHN MCENIRAT. IT IS MY HOMAGE TO THE GREATEST TENNIS PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT... JOHN MCENROE.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU START LIKING TENNIS?
TENNIS?? WHO CARES ABOUT TENNIS??... THIS MAN WAS A PIONEER IN THE SCIENCE OF YELLING AT IDIOTS.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA SIT QUIETLY OVER THERE AND DO MY BEST PETE SAMPRAS...
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!
I'M SORRY, BUT I SEEM TO HAVE SPITTLE IN MY SOUP AGAIN.

HEY THERE, RAT. I HEAR YOU'RE SELLING GINGERBREAD MEN. I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME.
OKAY... HANG ON... I'LL GET THE LATEST BATCH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, BUT GINGERBREAD MEN REALLY TAKE ME BACK TO A TIME IN MY YOUTH WHEN I USED TO GO TO THE CORNER BAKERY AND BUY THEM FRESH. IT WAS SUCH A SWEET, INNOCENT TIME... EVERYONE REALLY SEEMED TO CARE FOR EACH OTHER.
AH- HERE IT IS.
A SAD DAY FOR TIMMY...
...CAN YOU GUESS WHY TIMMY'S SAD?

GEE, ZEBRA, I LOVE THE PLASTIC FLAMINGO YOU PUT ON YOUR LAWN.
WHAT THE? I HAD TWO OUT HERE... SOMEONE MUST HAVE STOLEN ONE.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
NO IDEA... THEY'RE WORTH PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
WAY TO GO LARRY! WAY TO GO!!
Me can taste already.

OKAY, PIG, I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF GRABBING YOUR 2006 CALENDAR AND PUTTING AN 'X' ON EVERY DAY THAT I'LL BE GRUMPY NEXT YEAR. THAT WAY YOU'LL KNOW WHICH DAYS TO AVOID ME.
YOU HAVE AN 'X' ON EVERY SINGLE DAY.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE YEARS.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO DELIVER OUR FANCY, NEW SELF-CLEANING OVEN TODAY.
THEY DID.
BUT I WAS JUST IN THE KITCHEN AND SAW THE OLD ONE THERE. WHERE'S THE FANCY, NEW SELF-CLEANING ONE ?
WELL, THAT WAS ONE RELAXING SHOWER.
THIS COMIC STRIP HAS ISSUES.

NOW THEN MR. UH, CROCODILE...
ACCORDING TO YOUR COVER LETTER,
YOU’RE HAVING TROUBLE CATCHING
PREY AND YOU NEED SOME MONEY TO
BUY GROCERIES...IS THAT TRUE?
DAT EES CORRECK.
OKAY, FINE. UH,
NOW, YOUR RESUME...
DO YOU HAVE COMPUTER EXPERT. IS THAT TRUE?
LET ME ME,
MEESTER MAN.
OKAY, BUT I’M A LITTLE
CONCERNED. YOU’VE SPELLED
IT 'COMPOOTER.'
DAT RIGHT.
SHOWERING PENCIL EEN NOSE.
ME HOPE IMPRESS YOU.
OH MY LORD...WILL YOU
PLEASE
'KNOCK KNOCK'
'WHO DERE'
HULLOO...ME IS BILL GATE. ME INVEENT
LENOOS. ME JUST WANT SAY DAT
DIS GUY HERE IS WURLDS BEST COMPOOTER
GUY...AND ME WOULD KNOW...ME BILL GATE.
OKAY...THAT DOES IT...GET
OUT! BUT NOT, YOU--THIS
IS RIDICULOUS...YOU FOCUS!
COMPLETE YOUR INTERVIEW!
NEVER, EVER COME BACK!
...ME HAD JOB 'TIL
YOU SHOW UP.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A LITTLE HOOK. I JUST PUT IT UP THERE FOR US TO HANG OUR COATS ON.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
DUDE, IT'S A COAT HOOK. YOU HANG YOUR COAT ON IT.. YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
HEH HEH HEH...
OF COURSE.
GOOD..NOW I GOTTA RUN SOME MORE ERRANDS. I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW HOURS.
..WELL AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU FILLING OUT, RAT?
IT'S A JOB QUESTIONNAIRE.
IT MATCHES YOU WITH YOUR PERFECT CAREER...
RIGHT NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE I GOT 'PROFESSIONAL CRITIC' WRITTEN ALL OVER ME.
WHAT'S A 'PROFESSIONAL CRITIC?'
IT SAYS, 'SOMEONE WHO SO LACKS THE NECESSARY SKILL TO ENTER A GIVEN PROFESSION THAT THEY CHOOSE INSTEAD TO SIT IN JUDGMENT OF IT...
SEE, ALSO, 'BITTER BETTY.'
SOMEONE PAYS YOU TO BE BITTER?
THE BITTERER THE BETTERER.

HEY THERE, RAT. LISTEN, I HAVE TO BRING THE DESSERT FOR A POTLUCK ENGAGEMENT PARTY MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING AND I THOUGHT I COULD BRING SOME OF YOUR GINGERBREAD MEN.
HMMMMM... I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING WITH A MOM AND WIFE THEME. AH, YES, HERE IT IS. I EVEN GAVE IT A NICE TITLE...
OH, YEAH?... WHAT IS IT?
“BOB AND TERRY HAVE THEIR DIFFERENCES.”
... YOU KNOW, MAYBE I’LL JUST PICK UP SOMETHING AT THE STORE.
PEOPLE WITH EDIBLE HEADS REALLY SHOULDN’T FIGHT.

HEY THERE, JOHNNY SEAL. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
MY PLEASURE, PIG.
HEY, LISTEN, NOT TO BE A PAIN, BUT IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN BE RE-SEATED? YOU'VE GOT ME AT TABLE SEVEN.
OH, I'M SORRY... I HAD RAT PUT TOGETHER THE SEATING CHART FOR ME. DID HE STICK YOU AT A BAD TABLE?
YOU COULD SAY THAT...
...AND WILL YOU BE SERVING FOOD?
SOON, VERY SOON.

Dear Condoleezza Rice,
I am a big fan of the 'Care Bears'.
Maybe you are too.
My favorite bear is 'Harmony Bear'.
I suggest you send him to the Middle East to solve the Arab/Israeli problem.
Dude, why do you write these moronic letters?
Do you honestly think Condoleezza Rice is gonna follow your advice and send a 'Care Bear' to Jerusalem who will magically solve the world's most intractable dramatic crisis?...
YAY!!

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, RAT?
GINGERBREAD MEN.
OOOOOOH... I LOVE GINGERBREAD MEN. I THINK THEY'RE SO DARN CUTE.
GOOD... LEMME SHOW YOU MY LATEST...
IT'S CALLED, "DON'T MESS WITH LARRY."
CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS LARRY?

I LOVE TAKING MY COFFEE OUTSIDE AND DRINKING IT IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE. THE SKY. THE TREES. THE GRASS.
AND LOOK. HEH HEH HEH. A LITTLE OLD WORM...
...YOU POOR LITTLE GUY.
JUST INCHING ALONG...EVER SO SLOWLY...FROM ONE HOME TO ANOTHER...
WHAT A SAD LITTLE LIFE...NO MEANING...NO PURPOSE...POOR LIL' FELLA...
WHEN YOU DIE, I EAT YOU... WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, B****?
I'D BE JUST AS HAPPY INSIDE A STARBUCK'S.

CHECK OUT THESE NEW CD'S I BOUGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BROKE.
I WAS, BUT I PAWNED SOME STUFF AT THE PAWN SHOP DOWNTOWN AND RAISED A LITTLE CASH.
WHAT'D YOU SELL?
SIGH...