Pearls Before Swine | Search

LISTEN, MR. WEE BEAR, I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU WANT TO BRING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER, BUT I'M 76, AND I CAN NO LONGER PLAY BASEBALL.
BUT THE COUNTRY NEEDS YOU, WEE. YOU'RE A SYMBOL OF AN ERA... YOU GET BACK IN CENTERFIELD.
I'M SORRY, SON.
WILLIE, PLEASE. I'M DROWNING IN A SEA OF SEAN HANNITYS AND JAMES CARVILLES AND ANN COULTERS AND AL FRANKENS. I WANT TO RETURN TO 1957 WHEN THIS WAS ONE NATION!
WHEN I COULDN'T EAT IN CERTAIN RESTAURANTS?
PLEASE, WILLIE...
I'M BUSY GLORIFYING THE PAST.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, HI. I’M WEE BEAR.
I’VE BEEN ON A JOURNEY
ACROSS AMERICA TO TRY
AND FIND THE ONE PERSON
WHO CAN BRING THIS
DIVIDED COUNTRY TOGETHER-
RED STATES AND BLUE STATES
ALIKE- AND YOU’RE HIM.
I PLAYED
BASEBALL..
YOU WERE BASEBALL, MR.
MAYS. YOU WERE THE GREAT-
EST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY
OF THE GAME AND AN ICON
OF A PAST ERA THAT SOME-
HOW SEEMS BETTER THAN TODAY.
SO HERE, TAKE THIS GLOVE,
GO BACK TO CENTERFIELD AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
I’M
74.
MAKE SURE TO
STRETCH.

HI... WELCOME TO MR. KORBA'S RESTAURANT. I'M TRUDY THE NEW WAITRESS. UH... WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
I'M RANDY RAI-RAI. I'M FILLING IN FOR MR. KORBA THIS WEEK. WANNA SEE WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT WEEK?
OK, SURE.
OKAY...
NO.
I THINK I NEED TO HAVE YOU ON... UH... WHAT TIME YOU WANT TO ORDER?
WELL, LISTEN, I GOTTA WORK A LITTLE BIT LATER THIS WEEK, SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO MR. KORBA IF YOU WANT JUST TEA,CLEAN THE FLOOR, WAITRESS...SATUR...
OKAY. BUT WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT SIGN ON HIS CHEF'S STATION?
DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU SMILE.
HAHAAA?!
YEAH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE CUSTOMER FEEL STUPID, Y'KNOW? LIKE THEY'RE SOMEONE... HIS RESPONSE IS "WHAAAA?!"
LIKE YOU'RE AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING. HE'S NOT VERY NICE, BUT HE'S A GOOD CHEF, SO NO ONE WANTS TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM.
BUT THAT'S RUDE. I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY?
MR. KORBA'S CHEF...... TEAR DOWN THIS "WHAAAA"!

HEY, RAT… HOW GOES IT?… ARE YOU GUYS FINALLY SEEING THE SIGHTS LIKE YOU WANTED TO?
NO… I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF THE BUS… I SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOU GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?
SALT LAKE CITY… THE PEOPLE ARE VERY NICE HERE AND ALL, BUT IT CAN’T BE A VERY FUN LIFE.
HEEL, GOD REPAYS OF THE “SALT LAKE TRIBUNE.”
OH, THAT’S TOO BAD.
WELL, IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, WE HAVE BEEN STAYING in SOME MOTEL IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, AND THERE’S NOTHING TO DO HERE EITHER.
WELL… IF THAT MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.
… THERE YOU GO.
I DON’T KNOW, BUT THERE’S A BIG GIANT PIRATE SHIP AND A PYRAMID AND AN EXPLODING VOLCANO THAT WON’T LET ME SLEEP…
AAAHHH!!! OH, AND NAKED DANCING GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
I HATE THAT.

PERRI'S JOURNEY ACROSS AMERICA.
THAT DOES IT!...I CAN'T STAND BEING IN THIS STUPID, BORING BUS ANYMORE! I GOTTA GET OUT! I GOTTA HAVE FUN! I GOTTA PARTY, DUDE... NOW!
YOU CAN'T, RAT...
WE HAVE TO GET TO CALIFORNIA.
THE GOSH I CAN'T...I'M GETTING OUT AT THE NEXT STOP NO MATTER WHAT IT IS AND I'M GONNA SMOKE AND YOU CAN GO ON WITHOUT ME FOR ALL I CARE!!!
SALT LAKE CITY, UT
CARE FOR A PAMPHLET?

THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY'LL TEAR US LIMB FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMB!!!
PIG, PIG, PIG... CALM DOWN... RELAX... NOBODY'S GONNA HURT YOU... YOU'RE OKAY, PIG...
...YOU'RE OKAY.
...TOLD YOU MT. RUSHMORE WOULD FREAK HIM OUT...
THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY WILL POP US LIKE GRAAAAAPES!!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, WEE BEAR?
IT'S A TRAVEL DIARY, PIG. AS WE JOURNEY ACROSS OUR NATION, I LIKE TO RECORD MY IMPRESSIONS.
WHAT DID YOU WRITE TODAY?
WELL, TODAY, AS WE PASS THROUGH THE HEARTLAND, I'M REMINDED OF F. SCOTT FITZGERALD'S REFERENCE TO THAT VAST OBSCURITY BEYOND THE CITY, WHERE THE DARK FIELDS OF THE REPUBLIC ROLL ON UNDER THE NIGHT!
BIG DEAL, LOSER. I KEEP A TRAVEL DIARY, AND I SAY PROFOUND THINGS... I JUST DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.
DUUUUUDE... TACO BELLS ARE EVERYWHERE!
HEY! GIMME THAT! GIMME THAT RIGHT NOW!!!
SIGH

WEE BEAR, IF YOU'RE GONNA SEARCH FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO YOU THINK CAN SAVE OUR COUNTRY, WE WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
OKAY, GUYS... BUT THIS IS A SOLEMN JOURNEY. AND I WANT TO USE THE CROSS-COUNTRY BUS TREK TO REFLECT ON THE IMPORTANCE OF MY SEARCH...
WE UNDERSTAND.
...ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.

WHERE YOU GOING, WEE BEAR?
I'M TAKING THE BUS TO CALIFORNIA.
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY'S BADLY DIVIDED. AND I'M OFF TO FIND THE ONE PERSON WHO THINK CAN SAVE US. THE ONE PERSON WE CAN ALL BELIEVE IN.
...I'M THINKING CHER.

OKAY, MOM… WHAT ARE YOU SO GIDDY ABOUT?
I PULLED MY FIRST PRANK!
YOU PRANKED SOMEONE?
OH, DID I! LISTEN TO THIS… I WENT TO THAT TACO BELL® DOWNTOWN AND PULLED MY CAR INTO THE DRIVE THRU LINE… THEN I ORDERED TEN CHALUPAS®, WHICH COST, LIKE, FIFTEEN DOLLARS, RIGHT?
THEN I PULLED UP TO THE WINDOW WHERE YOU PAY, GAVE THE WOMAN A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL… AND SLICKER SLICKER I DROVE OFF!
…WITHOUT THE FOOD!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU…

Leesten, Zeeba... Me watch "Dr. Phil" T.V. self-help goovoo, and he always say ees good be honest wid udders.
So here I goze...
...Me want keel you.
How nice. And let me be honest with you. I hope you starve, you sad, moronic beast.
Dat comment totally inappropriate.
Ees okay, Bob. Me here for you.

Larry! Larry! Me caught one!
Me caught one!
A real live aneemal!!!
Lemme see, Jojo!! Lemme see!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
IT'S A LETTER TO 'DEAR BETTY.' SHE'S THAT FROG IN THE PAPER WHO OFFERS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
GEE, PIG. THAT 'DEAR BETTY' HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING A LITTLE CYNICAL. YOU SURE YOU WANT HER ADVICE?
OH, SURE! I LOVE 'DEAR BETTY,' AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA AND I CAN HAVE A HAPPY, NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE RARELY FIGHT AND NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED.
Good luck, moron.

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR RON... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
WOW... LOOKS LIKE QUITE A FIGHTER.
WHAT IS HE?... A FEATHERWEIGHT?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
... I JUST DON'T REACT WELL TO PUNS.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET MARRIED?
NOT UNTIL THEY ELIMINATE THE MARRIAGE PENALTY.
YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT TAXES?
IT RELATES TO TAXES?
THAT'S ALL IT RELATES TO.
SO I'LL STILL BE STUCK WITH ONE WOMAN WHO CUTS HER HAIR SHORT AND YELLS AT ME?
NEVER MIND.
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT HIS AEROBICS CLASS. HIS DOCTOR TOLD HIM HE HAD HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND NEEDED TO EXERCISE.
YOU REALLY THINK RAT'S GONNA FOLLOW SOME AEROBICS TEACHER'S INSTRUCTIONS?
OH, SURE... I HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN HIM...
...WHAT PART OF "IT'S MY FIVE MINUTE SMOKING BREAK, FATHEAD" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

gee, rat... you've got 442 unplayed messages on your cell phone.
yes, I know.
how come?
because people are stupid. and I hate them. you're my friend, pig. I have discovered that the key to happiness is to be entirely unreachable at all times.
oh, gosh, no... I love to talk to other people. everyone's perspective is unique. you learn all sorts of stuff. in fact, if you really think about it, It's probably one of the most rewarding parts of your day.
gee, I hadn't thought of it like that... you know, I gotta run to a doctor's appointment, but when I get back I'd really like to continue this conversation.
do you think you could call me?
you bet. which phone?
call my cell.
you got it, big guy.
I love it when he keeps an open mind.

I BELIEVE THAT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS PREDETERMINED AT BIRTH... YOU CAN'T CONTROL A THING... ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS ARE ALREADY WRITTEN IN STONE.
BOOT
IT'S SAD TO WATCH THIS UNFOLD.

I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
OH, YEAH? LET'S HEAR ONE.
"YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF."
AWW. THAT'S WONDERFUL.
"...BECAUSE GOD KNOWS, EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE A MEADOWHEAD."
I'LL BE LEAVING NOW...

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR EMILIO, HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH?... WELL, IF I'M EVER ATTACKED BY A WATER BUG, I'LL LET HIM KNOW. HAHHAHAHA......
...... IF THEY JUST WOULDN'T TALK DOWN TO ME...

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WITH ALL THE CUTBACKS BY NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, THERE ARE VERY FEW PRINT REPORTERS STILL DOING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'SO'? THE PRESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WATCHDOG OF GOVERNMENT... WITHOUT THEM, A VITAL PART OF THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS IS MISSING.
DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE RELAAAX... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY WRITE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE DUDE... NO ONE READS.
GOSH... I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YEP... IT ALL WORKS OUT NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY'RE THOSE POSTERS WITH PICTURES OF A PRETTY SHORELINE OR GRAZING HORSES AND A FEW GENTLE WORDS DESIGNED TO INSPIRE PEOPLE. WANNA HEAR ONE I JUST WROTE?
SURE.
"YOU CAN DO IT... YOU BIG FAT TUB OF LARD."
HOW... INSPIRING.
YEAH... I THINK THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT PROFANITY.

HI THERE, NEIGHBOR CHUCK... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHAHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH? WELL, GO GET 'EM, YOU FEROCIOUS LITTLE LUMP OF FEATHERS...
... I DON'T DO WELL WITH CONDESCENSION.

Hullooo, zeeba neighbuh...Lesten... We want make trade.
WHAT KIND OF TRADE?
We geev you nice fewee fwench fwees game piece we ween een MeezDonald's "Scwatch and ween" game. Ees gud foh one fewee fwench fwees.
ALRIGHT...AND WHAT'S MY PART OF THE BARGAIN?
We keel you.
Throw in milkshake.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, REPORTS THAT YOU PAIRED HIM WITH THE WRONG SOCK IN THE SOCK DRAWER. THIS IS LIKE PUTTING THE WRONG WIFE IN A MAN'S BED.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A MORAL OUTRAGE. LOOK AT THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED PEPITO.
PEPITO HAS AN ODD WAY OF SHOWING EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.