Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY THERE, RAT BUDDY, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
IT'S A SELF-HELP BOOK. I CALL IT, "RAT'S GUIDE TO BEING HAPPY."
WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN SO FAR?
"TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS, SPEND $27.95 ON THIS BOOK."
HOW DOES THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE VIKING FIGURINES? I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE 'EM KEEPING DIARIES AND COLLECTING DAISIES AGAIN.
OH, NO... TODAY WE'RE GONNA WATCH A LITTLE TELEVISION.
GOOD. HAVE 'EM WATCH SOME OF THIS "ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP"... LOTS OF GUYS BEATING EACH OTHER SENSELESS. VIKINGS CRAVE THIS KIND OF BRUTALITY. HAHAHA. HERE YA GO, FELLAS. VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! ......
*CLICK* *CLICK*
Today
We
missed
"Ellen."

I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT SINCE I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE SUCCEEDING IN LIFE, I SHALL SURROUND MYSELF WITH FRIENDS WHO ARE ABJECT FAILURES.
WHY?
BECAUSE AS BAD AS THINGS MAY GET FOR ME, I'M BETTER THAN THEM. THUS, THEIR INCOMPARABLE FAILURE PROVIDES ME WITH THE ILLUSION OF SUCCESS, AND ILLUSION IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
BUT WHERE WILL YOU FIND FRIENDS LIKE THAT?
WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND, BIG GUY?
THAT'S ME, PAL… THAT'S ME!!
IT'S NOT HARD.

Gentlemun gentlemun... Bad news... Purpose of Valenteen Day not to murder everyone wid arrows. Purpose to make people fall in love.
So no murder no one?
No one.
Dey juss sleeping.

Happy Valentine's Day, Zeeba neighba. Does you want me shoot you in hed repeatedly?

CUPID SHOOTS HARMLESS LITTLE ARROWS INTO YOUR BACKSIDE TO MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE.
HE DOES NOT COMMIT PREMEDITATED HOMICIDE.

What dis "fall een love"?
YOU MEET SOMEONE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH... TO CARE ABOUT. TO HOLD...
When do killing begin?
There IS NO KILLING.
What a stoopid holiday.

Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.
Oh, no, Larry. Dat not good Valentine. Valentine Day about love.
Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.
Deer zeeba, Happy Valenteen Day !!!
Me keel you ded.
And eat you hed.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
We practice death rolls. Crocs does it when dey catch prey in jaws. Snaps neck. Loser dies.
THAT'S HIDEOUS.
HAHA...Dat nature, pal. Show heem, Clarence... Show heem how losers die.
AND DAT'S HOW LOSERS DIE.

listen, pal, I know you're a bit peeved 'cause you just moved into the neighborhood and here I am, your predator, living right across the street.
But listen, man, I feel your pain. Like, just last week, the neighbor next to me borrowed my hedge trimmers and has he given them back? Noooooooo...
HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY COMPARE A NEIGHBOR WHO KEEPS YOUR HEDGE TRIMMERS TO ONE WHO RIPS OFF YOUR GIGANTIC HEAD??
Let's watch the potty mouth.

DING DONG DING DONG!
fruit basket for the new neighhhhhhbbboooorrr
CAN YOU GET THAT, JOHN?
NO WAY, JENNIFER. I DON'T FEEL SAFE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. THAT DOOR STAYS CLOSED
JOHN! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ONE OF OUR NEW NEIGHBORS. IT'S RUDE!
It really is rude, John.

HEY, WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN OUR GARAGE?
I AM A SEA ANEMONE. I AM HERE TO KILL YOUR FRIEND.
OH. OKAY. WELL, LISTEN, PIG AND I ARE LEAVING RIGHT NOW TO DRIVE TO THE GROCERY STORE, SO IT'LL HAVE TO WAIT 'TIL WE GET BACK.
GOTCHA.
PRRRRRRRRRRRR AAAAAHHHHHH
SCLOOOOOOOSH
YOU OWE ME.

Dear Mr. Head of Homeland Security Guy,
You are protecting our land against terrorists and spying on the books people take out of libraries.
But what about sea anemones? Is anyone watching the books THEY take out of libraries?
P.S. I only ask because one of them is trying to kill me.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? HAVE YOU LOST ALL TOUCH
WITH REALITY? GIMME THAT BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF COMMITTED.
... IT'S FOR A FRIEND.

WELL, DUDE, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND STOPPED WORRYING ABOUT YOUR FICTIONAL SEA ANEMONE ENEMY?
I SURE AM...IT'S WEIRD HOW YOUR FEARS CAN GET THE BETTER OF YOU...NOW I CAN LOOK BACK AND LAUGH...
KEEP LAUGHING, DEAD MAN
WALTER RESPONDED
THE ANEMONE
THAT'S TROUBLING.
KEEP LAUGHING, DEAD MAN
WALTER RESPONDED
THE ANEMONE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STANDING GUARD. I'VE BEEN UP THREE STRAIGHT NIGHTS. YOU SEE, ELEVEN YEARS AGO, I GOT INTO A TERRIBLE FIGHT WITH A SEA ANEMONE, THE DETAILS OF WHICH ARE TOO PAINFUL TO RECOUNT, AND THIS IS THE YEAR HE SWORE TO GET HIS REVENGE... I FEEL HE IS NEAR.
OKAY, DUDE. YOUR SAD LITTLE CRANIUM HAS MORPHED INTO A DELUSIONAL FUNHOUSE... GET SOME SLEEP... NOW.
OKAY.
AT LAST.

SWEET MOTHER OF—
HEY!... YOU’RE THE...THE...BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS!
YEEES, I AM.
OH MY GOODNESS...MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO SAD...I’VE BEEN SUCH A LOSER...BUT NOW...NOW I’LL BE HAPPY!!
YEEES, YOU WILL... FOR YEARS I’VE KNOWN NOT ONE INSTANT OF HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATED BY OTHERS, AND I THOUGHT YOU FINALLY DESERVED SOME TRUE JOY IN YOUR LONELY, PATHETIC LIFE.
OOOHHHHH...
WHOA?!
GOD, BRADBURY??!
BO?!
OOHHHHHHHH...
NO... NO...THANK YOU, JOSEPH C. SIKALBUSKY!
SIGH...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M MASSAGING THE LAMP.
WHY ARE YOU MASSAGING THE LAMP?
TO RELIEVE STRESS. I'M SURE THAT
BEING A LAMP CAN BE QUITE STRESSFUL.
THAT LAMP HAS NO STRESS.
NOT NOW IT DOESN'T.
.... YOU'VE SET US BACK MONTHS.

EXCUSE ME, GOAT, BUT SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART, PIG AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US SOLVE A SCIENTIFIC MYSTERY.
WELL, I CAN TRY... WHAT IS IT?
IF ISAAC NEWTON WAS SO SMART, WHY'D THEY NAME THE COOKIE AFTER HIS BROTHER 'FIG'?
PLEASE... TELL ME... THAT... WASN'T REALLY... YOUR QUESTION...
WELL, IT WASN'T OUR ONLY QUESTION... WE'D ALSO LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HE THOUGHT OF HIS BROTHER WAYNE'S SUCCESS IN VEGAS.
DUDE, I THINK HE'S CRYING.
WOW, HE MUST REALLY LOVE WAYNE NEWTON...
PLEASE, SOMEONE KILL ME.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD FOR ZEBRAS.
WHAT'S ON IT?
TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE CROCODILES. ALL THE ZEBRAS POST 'EM. IT'S PRETTY HELPFUL, TOO, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE ZEBRA'S POSTS. HIS ADVICE IS TERRIBLE.
Hugging dem WORKS!!

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A SEISMOGRAPH... I BOUGHT IT TO CHART YOUR FATNESS. RIGHT NOW, EACH ONE OF YOUR STEPS PRODUCES THE EQUIVALENT OF A MAGNITUDE 1.9 EARTHQUAKE.
OH, NO... THAT'S BAD.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YESTERDAY YOUR WALKING PROVIDED A 2.1... SO PERHAPS YOUR FATNESS IS DIMINISHING.
YAY! YAY! YAY!
...YOU'VE DESTROYED TOKYO.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEEESTEN... WE CROCKYDILES NOW WANT BE FRIENDS... PLEEESE ACCEPT WOODEN HORSE AS TOKEN OF FRIENDSHEEP...
LISTEN, I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE, BUT I KNOW THAT THING'S FILLED WITH CROCODILES, SO I'D PREFER YOU KEEP IT.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ME PREFER YOU NO INSULT US BY MAKING FALSELY-IED LIBELLUS STATEMENTS.
AND ME PREFER LARRY GET BIG FAT BUTT OUT OF FACE.
WHAT YOU KNOW? HORSE TALK. MEBBE HE MR. ED.
MY BUTT NOT FAT, BOB.
YOU CRACK WINDOW NOW, LARRY. BIG PIECE SMELL.

HI, PIG.
THANKS FOR COMING.
YOUR AUNT LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
HI, UNCLE JIM. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I BROUGHT ALONG SOME FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT.
THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU HEAR ABOUT ON T.V.
YOU KNOW, FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?
YOU HAVE OUR SYMPATHY.
OUR CONDOLENCES.
A TERRIBLE LOSS.
SO SORRY.
SHE'S DEAD ALRIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
UPDATING MY BLOG.
GEEZ, DUDE. DOES EVERY LOSER AND HIS MOTHER NOW HAVE ONE OF THOSE?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PURPOSE OF A BLOG IS?
NO.
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IT'S A GREAT WAY TO TEACH THE WORLD A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS.
BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. WHATEVER.
I am greatness personified.

MY MOM CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE TODAY TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM.
DIDN'T SHE COME OVER AND TELL YOU THAT YESTERDAY?
YEAH... SHE WALKS ALL THE WAY OVER TO OUR HOUSE EVERY MORNING JUST TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM... TODAY I FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE TO ASK HER WHY.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE NEEDS THE EXERCISE.

ONE OF THOSE STUPID CROCS NEXT DOOR TO ME FINALLY GOT A JOB.
A JOB? THOSE CROCS CAN BARELY SPEAK. WHAT KIND OF JOB REQUIRES VIRTUALLY NO LANGUAGE SKILLS?
Here you stop, meester man.
EXCUSE ME?

Dear Zeeba,
Me is gonna keel you.
But you no know who
me is, becuz me
annoneemiss.
Annoneemiss!!! Geet it?
Me is gonna be standeen
right nexx to yous and
you & no is gonna know it
so me keel you like dat!!!
HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA AHA!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Bob
(da croc nexx door)

HI, PIGITA. I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.. THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT ON T.V. WHEN THEY SAY, "FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE..."
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WE'VE HEARD GREAT THINGS.
A PLEASURE.
CHARMED.
MY, YOU'RE FAT.