Pearls Before Swine | Search

HIYA, RITA...
GOSH... AM I TIRED...
I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-HOUR SURGERY...
HEY, SURGEON BOB... LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A STICKY NOTE STUCK TO YOUR SHOE.
OH, THANKS... I USE 'EM TO HELP ME REMEMBER STUFF. THIS ONE MUSTA DROPPED. LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UHH... "AMPUTATE LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM... LEFT ARM..."
FIDDLESTICKS.

Hullooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... You house nice, but lack certain warmth... Please let me put nice homemade wreath onah fireplace.
YOU ARE NOT COMING INTO THIS HOUSE TO PUT A HOMEMADE WREATH OVER THE FIREPLACE.
Somewhere Martha Stewart cry.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW GUYS WITH BIG, BUSHY MUSTACHES ALSO TEND TO HAVE GOOFY GLASSES AND A BELLY?
YEAH... THAT'S WEIRD.
DOES THE MUSTACHE LEAD TO THE BELLY?
MAYBE THE BELLY LEADS TO THE GLASSES...
OR MAYBE GUYS WHO HAVE TO WEAR BIG, GOOFY GLASSES JUST SAY TO HECK WITH PERSONAL GROOMING' AND LET THEIR WHOLE APPEARANCE GO TO POT.
AHA! I BET THAT'S IT.
DO YOU MIND?
AND ANOTHER THING... WHY IS EVERYONE SO DARN SENSITIVE THESE DAYS?
YEAH. THAT'S WEIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M GOING TO THROW THIS MIDGET OFF THE PIER.
WHAT--?! WHY?
TO SEE IF I CAN GET A LITTLE MORE DISTANCE THAN I DID WITH THE LAST ONE.
MEANWHILE, AT THE HOME OF STEPHAN PASTIS...
HONEY, WHY ARE ANGRY SHORT PEOPLE HOLDING SIGNS ON OUR LAWN?

WELL WELL WELL... IF IT ISN'T MY OLD NEMESIS, ANIME-AME.
I SEE YOU'RE BACK TO EVEN THE SCORE.
THAT'S WRONG, PIG... I WANT TO BURY THE HATCHET... I NO LONGER WANT TO BE YOUR ENEMY.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ENEMY, ANNIE MAY, THE ANEMONE.
NO, PIG... AND TO PROVE MY GOODWILL, I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU A TWO-NIGHT STAY AT A LUXURY HOTEL THAT FEATURES AIR-CONDITIONING, AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL, AND FREE MOVIES, INCLUDING JAPANESE ANIME...
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BRIBE ME WITH AMENITIES LIKE ANIME, ANNIE MAY, MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY.
ENOUGH!!!

THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB BY RAT
Angry Bob was angry.
Hey Bob! You won free flowers from the County Fair!
Angry Bob went to the address and knocked on the door.
It's a small, well-lit, wholesome theme.
All praise be to the fairies!
Walking the shop, Bob saw fairies on rafters throwing flowers at customers. He hated flowers, and he hated fairies.
The more confused Bob got, the angrier he got.
Termed "The Fountain O' Hope," it was a large fountain framed by hundreds of flowers, delivering Cupid's gel, sprayed out of cherubim's butts.
Bob made it to the fountain. He stared at a red-haired woman next to it. She appeared to be boiling in anger.
The woman screamed her entire life story at Bob, uninvited. Upon finishing, she ran away and screamed.
Reluctantly, the red-haired woman took the flower, sighed, smiled, and walked away.
Then, the spring gnomes surrounded Bob.
AND CRASHED INTO THE LARGE FOUNTAIN.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN OF HOPE.
AND SCREAMED.
AND TO MY SURPRISE THE FOUNTAIN WAS NO HOPE.
THEN SPRING GNOMES RIDING FAIRY INFESTED PANDA BEARS CHARGED OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN AND CRUSHED THE BOB. THEN HE DROWNED, FINISH

IF A TACO TRUCK TURNED OVER ON THE FREEWAY, WOULD YOU CHECK ON THE CONDITION OF THE DRIVER OR HELP YOURSELF TO SOME TACOS?
PLEASE. OF COURSE I'D CHECK ON THE DRIVER. THE FIRST THING YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO IS DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT HE'S CONSCIOUS.
I KNEW IT... YOU ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT OTHERS, BUT YOU DO.
OF COURSE I DO.
...AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS?
I'D STEAL THE TACOS.

HEY THERE, RAT.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY STINKIN' COFFEE?
WHOA. THAT'S WEIRD... I BOUGHT IT... THEN I WALKED TO THE CAR... THEN I NEEDED TO GET MY KEYS, SO I PUT IT ON TOP OF THE CAR... THEN I DROVE OFF....
IT'S ON THE CAR.

DRAW, BART...
CAN'T DO IT, FLOYD.
YOU DONE GONE YELLOW ON ME, BART?
I DONE GOT NO ARMS, FLOYD... YOU AIN'T NEITHER.
&*%@#.
SPAGHETTI WESTERNS ARE SOOOOOOOO OVERRATED.

Hullo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me want say sorry for tings we does and geeve you nice paypahweight as token of new-found frensheep.
TA-DAAA!!!
...MY COUSIN'S SKULL.
Sorry. Me no have time to shop.

"LITTLE MISS MUFFET
SAT ON A TUFFET
EATING HER CURDS AND WHEY.
ALONG CAME A SPIDER
WHO SAT DOWN BESIDE HER
AND FRIGHTENED MS. MUFFET AWAY."
"THEN MUFFET WENT BACK
AND CHECKED HER GUN RACK,
GRABBING A .357.
FINDING THE SPIDER,
SHE SAT DOWN BESIDE HER
AND BLEW THAT POOR SUCKER TO HEAVEN."
THE UNCUT VERSION.

HEY RAT...
WANT TO PLAY WITH MY VIKING ACTION FIGURINES?
YEAH, DUDE. I LOVE VIKINGS. WANT ME TO SET UP A TOWN FOR THE GUYS TO BURN AND PILLAGE?
I'M SORRY.
MY VIKINGS DON'T BURN AND PILLAGE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T BURN AND PILLAGE? ALL VIKINGS BURN AND PILLAGE.
MY VIKINGS COLLECT DAISIES AND WRITE THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS IN A DIARY.
VIKINGS DO NOT WRITE THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS IN A @#$%&*# DIARY !!!!!
Today I heard a naughty word.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
I KEEP ONE OF THOSE WEB LOGS. RIGHT NOW, I'M UPDATING IT.
WHAT DO YOU NEED A STUPID BLOG FOR?
I RECORD ALL OF THE CROCODILES' FAILED ATTEMPTS TO KILL ME AND WHAT I DID TO AVOID IT.
WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?
OTHER ZEBRAS. THIS HAS BECOME THE SITE FOR HOW TO AVOID THE STUPID CROCODILES.
BUT DUDE, ALL THE CROCS WOULD HAVE TO DO IS TURN ON THE COMPUTER, GOOGLE "ZEBRAS", AND BOOM, THEY'D KNOW YOUR SECRETS.
I'M NOT WORRIED.
Work. NOW. Or me keek you een head.
Stand back, Bob. Me gonna yank his cord.

IN ORDER TO DO GOOD, SOMETIMES YOU MUST DO EVIL.
SMACK
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.

HELLO, MY SON...I'VE COME FOR A VISIT. THERE'S AN UGLY RUMOR FLOATING AROUND THE CROCODILE COMMUNITY THAT YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE CATCHING YOUR OWN FOOD. TELL ME THIS IS UNTRUE. REDEEM ME OF MY SHAME.
HEEEEEEY, FRANKIE BABY. HERE'S YOUR PEPPERONI AND THE SIDE OF BREADSTICKS. AND CHECK IT, BRO... BOSS SAYS NO CHARGE. HE SAYS ANYONE WHO ORDERS PIZZA EVERY NIGHT FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT WEEKS DESERVES ONE ON THE HOUSE NOW AND THEN. ANYHOW, SAY HI TO BOB, FRED AND JOJO FOR ME.
MY SHAME IS NOT REDEEMED.
Dat guy obviously confused.

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT THIS STUPID COMIC STRIP?
WHAT'S THAT?
THESE STICK ARMS AND LEGS. ANIMALS DON'T HAVE STICK ARMS AND LEGS. I MEAN, WOULD IT ABSOLUTELY KILL THE 'CHARACTER DESIGN DEPARTMENT' TO REFLECT JUST A LITTLE BIT OF REALITY?!? I'M GUNNA GO COMPLAIN TO THOSE MORONS RIGHT NOW...
... YOUR PROBLEM IS WHAT NOW?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
I GOT A NEW BALLOON ANIMAL, TIMMY THE DOG, BUT TIMMY HAD THIS SLOW LEAK AND I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA MAKE IT, SO I GAVE HIM TO RAT.
WHY'D YOU GIVE HIM TO RAT?
BECAUSE RAT SAID HE'S A TRAINED BALLOON ANIMAL DOCTOR AND HE KNOWS HOW MUCH TIMMY MEANS TO ME, SO I'M REALLY HOPING HE CAN ___
BAD NEWS... TIMMY HAD AN ADVERSE REACTION TO THE SCALPEL.
TIMMY!!
...WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD.

HI THERE, PIG... WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PARTY STUFF?
IT'S FOR MY NEW FRIEND, WILLY THE BALLOON DOG... IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND WE'RE HAVING A PARTY!
WOW...AND YOU EVEN GOT RAT TO COME?
YES, I CAME. I'M NOT A JERK ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW. I EVEN GOT THE LIL GUY A PRESENT.
OH, WILLY, LOOK!! IT'S A...
......CACTUS.
WHOA...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALMOST NO ONE KNOWS THEIR NEIGHBOR ANYMORE? WE DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER... WE DON'T VISIT EACH OTHER... NOTHING...
... EXCEPT FOR ONE DAY OF THE YEAR... TODAY. AND WHAT DO WE DO ON THIS UNIQUE DAY?... WE KNOCK ON OUR NEIGHBORS' DOORS... AND THREATEN THEM.
DING DONG
DING DONG
DING DONG
HEY, DUDE, TRICK OR TREAT ALREADY... C'MON, OPEN YOUR DOOR!
HE'S NOT HOME, LET'S EGG HIM.
I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

HEY, THERE, GOAT...I'LL BET YOU TEN DOLLARS I CAN PUT A BALL UNDER ONE OF THESE CUPS AND THEN MIX THEM AROUND REAL FAST...YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GUESS WHICH ONE THE BALL IS UNDER.
PIG... THOSE CUPS ARE TRANSPARENT.
SO I CAN SEE WHICH ONE THE BALL IS UNDER.
THAT'S WHY I MIX 'EM AROUND.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MIX THEM AROUND...I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT.
YOU'RE CONFIDENT, PIG...THE CUP IS TRANSPARENT...NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO SEE THE BALL.
WHOA WHOA WHOA...YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY, GOAT!...IF YOU'RE AFRAID TO TAKE A CHANCE AND LOSE ALL YOUR LUCK, JUST SAY SO.
AAAAHHHH!!!
...I'LL TAKE ANOTHER CHANCE, PIG, IF I COULD...
WELL, WELL, WELL...IF IT ISN'T MR. LUCKY...

LISTEN, PHIL...WE GOTTA GET THIS NEW GUY OUT OF THE BOOTH...HE'S A TOTAL MORON.
NO CHANCE, BOB. OUR OVERNIGHT RATINGS WERE WAY, WAY UP WITH THIS GUY.
BUT HE'S DUMB, RUDE AND TOTALLY DISMISSIVE OF THE GUESTS.
OH, PLEASE, BOB. WITH RATINGS THIS HIGH, HOW BAD CAN HE BE?
...And dat conclude interview wid Toby da Squirrel, author of "How to Fight Yo Enemies wid Love."

YEAH, HI. FIRST TIME CALLER...I'M WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF PRIVATIZING SOCIAL SECURITY...
PSSST...WE'RE LIVE. YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING...NOW.
DOES YOU WEAR PANTS?
CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
ME NO WEAR PANTS. IT FEEL GUUUUD.

I HEAR THAT SINCE THE CROCS CAN'T CATCH YOU, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR JOBS SO THEY CAN EARN MONEY AND BUY FOOD.
YEAH...AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THEY FOUND ONE.
WHAT JOB COULD AN UNEDUCATED, SELF-ABSORBED BUFFOON POSSIBLY GET?
Oh, yeah? Well, me think YOU idiot.

WELL, PIG... IT DIDN’T WORK... THE ONE GUY OUR WHOLE DIVIDED COUNTRY COULD GET BEHIND CAN NO LONGER PLAY CENTERFIELD... I GUESS WE’RE DOOMED TO WORK THIS OUT OURSELVES.
HEY, BY THE WAY, DID YOU EVER HEAR FROM RAT?
NOT SINCE WE LOST HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT... WONDER WHAT HE’S UP TO?
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
YOUR APPLICATION TO OPEN UP A CHAIN OF MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT CLUBS IS DENIED... PLEASE LEAVE OUR STATE.
@#$&*!

LISTEN, MR. WEE BEAR, I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU WANT TO BRING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER, BUT I'M 76, AND I CAN NO LONGER PLAY BASEBALL.
BUT THE COUNTRY NEEDS YOU, WEE. YOU'RE A SYMBOL OF AN ERA... YOU GET BACK IN CENTERFIELD.
I'M SORRY, SON.
WILLIE, PLEASE. I'M DROWNING IN A SEA OF SEAN HANNITYS AND JAMES CARVILLES AND ANN COULTERS AND AL FRANKENS. I WANT TO RETURN TO 1957 WHEN THIS WAS ONE NATION!
WHEN I COULDN'T EAT IN CERTAIN RESTAURANTS?
PLEASE, WILLIE...
I'M BUSY GLORIFYING THE PAST.