Pearls Before Swine | Search

PLEASE, SIR, JUST
GO AWAY…
I’M NOT
SELLING
YOU A GUN.
FINE. I WILL CEASE MY EFFORTS TO PROCURE A GUN… BUT KNOW THIS, HAND JANE.
WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME POURING OVER OUR NORTHERN BORDER BRINGING THE LATEST IN MILITARY HARDWARE,
DON’T COME CRYIN’ TO ME, 'CAUSE I WILL NOT BE THERE TO DEFEND YOUR HAPPY, LITTLE LIBERAL WAY OF LIFE.
THOSE ARE
CANADIANS… AND MOST LIKELY, THEY’D
BRING BEER.
HEY… THOSE
BIG “MOLSON”
CANS CAN HURT!

DO YOU, GEORGE, TAKE THIS WOMAN, GLADYS, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORTH...
...IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, 'TIL GLADYS MATES WITH YOU AND BITES OFF YOUR HEAD?
I do.
PRAYING MANTIS WEDDINGS ARE SO UNROMANTIC.

LARRY, WILL YOU PLEASE SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR SON ? HE'S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD AGAIN
Stop dat, Junior.
Stoopid keed.

HullooOo, leetle guard duck...Hey, We hear you got probmums.
Ohhhh, me dunno... like mebbe you girlfriend, she.....FLY AWAY!!
HAHAHAA Dat Frank is da greatest!!
But he make nice pair of boots, too.
Frank! Frank! Say someting!

MY GIRL LEFT ME.
HEY, SORRY TO HEAR THAT, PAL. THAT HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE MONTHS BACK.. WHAT WAS IT... ANOTHER GUY?
WINTER.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GIRL.

PIG'S GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.
DOES HE WANT TO GET HIS COLLEGE DEGREE?
I THINK THAT'S A WAYS OFF.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
JIMMY'S NOT KEEPING HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF.

TOOT TOOOT
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
IT'S THE "TRAIN TO NOWHERE," AND THAT'S "DOOMSDAY, THE WONDER DOG." HOP ON BOARD!
"TRAIN TO NOWHERE"?
WHY WOULD I TAKE A TRAIN TO NOWHERE?
BECAUSE THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE IS BASED ON THE THEORY THAT ANYWHERE IS BETTER THAN HERE. AND GIVEN THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD, WE THINK THAT'S PRETTY APT.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT...EACH ONE OF US HAS A DUTY TO STAY AND DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP. TO WORK FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS...NOT TO RUN AND HIDE.
I FELT SORTA BAD RUNNING OVER HIS TOES.
YAH! HAH!
© 2023 STEPHAN PASTIS

Okay, Zeeba neighba... Geev up now, because you is doomed. But no take my word for it. Leesten Miss Croco, who look deep in magic crystal ball and geev you future.
"Brunswick, 16 lbs."
You need start coming to meetings.

WELL, GENTLE-MEN...I'M GOING BACK HOME.
BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE PLAY?
I'M GONNA DUCK...I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY REFLEXES...GO AHEAD...THROW THAT BANANA AT ME...
SMACK

G.*&^G.

BAD NEWS. LINCOLN WAS WATCHING "THE HISTORY CHANNEL" AND FOUND OUT HE GETS ASSASSINATED DURING THE MIDDLE OF A PLAY.
OH, NO. WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, HE'S REALLY BUMMED, SO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
WELL, IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE PLAY, YOU'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LINCOLN??
I HAVE TO WRITE THIS STUPID SPEECH AND I'M STRUGGLING WITH THE OPENING.
LET'S HEAR IT.
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THIS CONTINENT A NEW NATION.
YEAH, VERY BORING. TRY THIS.
A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, A GREAT ADVENTURE TOOK PLACE.

SO HOW'S LIFE BACK IN D.C.?
AWFUL. THERE'S THIS BIG WAR AND MY WIFE'S A PAIN IN THE REAR.
HOW SO?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, RIGHT NOW, SHE'S GOT THESE TICKETS TO A PLAY, AND I HATE PLAYS, BUT SHE SAYS I HAVE TO GO.
YOU REALLY DISLIKE PLAYS?
DISLIKE 'EM? I'LL TELL YOU, I NEED TO SEE A PLAY LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN THE HEAD.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)

BEHOLD. MY LATEST DEVICE... THE "BLASTFROMTHEPASTOMETER"... IT ALLOWS YOU TO GO BACK TO ANY DATE IN HISTORY AND GRAB ANY PERSON YOU WANT OUT OF THAT ERA.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
TO SHOW THEM THE PRESENT DAY, AND ALL OF OUR MODERN TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES.
LIKE WHAT?
CHIPS IN A CAN... WHO'DA THUNK IT?

AND DEN IF FLOYD ATTACK DIS WAY AND BOB ATTACK FROM DIS WAY...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?

WOOMNU, PEESE! DIS SERIOUS PLAN OF BIZNESS. IS YOU STOOPID?

OOOHH, SO THIS IS A STRATEGY SESSION??

YOU BELIEVE DIS, FLOYD? DAT WHAT DIS JERK ME HAVE PUT UP WIT'.

GIMME A BREAK, LARRY! YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT A THING IN THREE YEARS!

OHHKAY, FAT MOU'! YOU WANT KNOW?? I'ME TELL!! FARMER STUDY BY ROOSTER 'EES BLACK EES SMART. AND 'EES GONNA KEEL!!

DAT'S A WEATHERVANE, LARRY. IT'S NOT ALIVE.

DIS CHANGES PLAN.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
I WENT TO THE FURNITURE STORE TO BUY A NIGHT STAND... I ALREADY HAVE ONE ON ONE SIDE OF MY BED, AND I'D LIKE TO PUT ONE ON THE OTHER.
I'M SORRY, BUT I COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING... DID YOU SAY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A NIGHTLIGHT? IF SO, I WORK FOR A LAMP STORE AND I'D LOVE TO SELL YOU SOMETHING...
UHH..NO, I'M JUST LOOKING FOR.. UHH... ONE NIGHT STAND.
... GUESS I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A LAMP...

WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORT-
TANT THING IN LIFE, DAD??
IS IT LOVE? HAPPINESS?
IS IT HELPING OTHERS?
Leesten, son... Most important
ting in life ees to find udders
who in beeg trubble and
need you help...
WHY IS
THAT, DAD?
Because dey is
da ones you eat.
THANKS ANYWAYS, DAD.
Me always
here to
help, son.

HEY, PAL ... SHOOT
A BASKET, WIN
A PRIZE ... JUST
THREE BUCKS.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
RAT?
I'VE TURNED OUR
BACKYARD INTO A
TRAVELING CARNIVAL.
I THOUGHT IT'D
BE FUN.
YOU'RE
NOT JUST
DOING IT TO
TAKE
PEOPLE'S
MONEY?
WHAT'S
THAT
SUPPOSED TO
MEAN?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FRIEND?
ATATURK THE LLAMA IS SAD BECAUSE HE'S BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE U.N. FOR SPITTING ON OTHER DIPLOMATS.
WELL, MAYBE LLAMAS SHOULD STOP SPITTING. IT'S KIND OF A GROSS HABIT.
SPITTOO
THE LLAMA NATION DENOUNCES YOUR CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY.

WHO'S YOUR TALL FRIEND?
ATATURK, THE LLAMA. HE'S A DIPLOMAT.
A DIPLOMAT? HOW WONDERFUL! SO WHAT'S HIS METHOD FOR HANDLING DISPUTES? FRIENDLY MEETINGS? BUILDING TRUST? MAKING COMPROMISES?
PTUI
I PREFER FRIENDLY MEETINGS.

RUMBLE
RUMBLE
RUMBLE
KSSHH!!
ONE REFRIGERATOR MAGNET TOO MANY.

LARRY...WHAT TREE AT DOING?
ME IS TREE-CLIMBING ASSASSIN MONKEY.
LARRY...YOU JUSS CROCKYDILE.
HAHA...YOU KNOW ME CROCKYDILE. ME KNOW ME CROCKYDILE. BUT ZEEBA NOT KNOW NUTHENG.
YOU TINK.
ME KNOW. ZEEBA JUSS OVER FENCE...HE AT BIRTDAY PARTY FOR HENIGHB'S KEED. WHEN HE LEAVE, ME POUNCE.
OF COURSE DAT WORK. ONCE ZEEBA SEE HE IN JAWS OF TREE-CLIMBING ASSASSIN MONKEY, HE GEEVE UP SO FAST DAT----
WHAM
OHH...SORRY, KIDS. LOOKS LIKE THE PIÑATA'S OVER HERE.
GOOD, THIS ONE'S A RIOT.

GIMME CANDY! CANDY!

CAN I HELP - -
OH, GREAT.. YOU AGAIN..
PLEASE, SIR. DO NOT PRE-JUDGE ME. I WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE A GUN IN ORDER TO PREVENT CRIME.
OH?.. AND WHAT CRIME IS THAT?
THE CRIME OF MY BREAKING INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMENT LATE AT NIGHT TO STEAL A GUN THAT AN IDIOT NAMED YOU REFUSED TO SELL ME LEGALLY.
SO MUCH FOR THE DIPLOMATIC APPROACH.

HI, MAURA. THESE FLOWERS ARE FOR YOU... I THINK I LOVE YOU... PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME... PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE.
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
NEVER PIN YOUR HOPES ON A MIGRATORY BIRD.

HELLO, SIR...I’D LIKE TO GET THE CHATEAUBRIAND, COOKED MEDIUM WELL, AND A GLASS OF YOUR FINEST PINOT NOIR.
I WONDERFUL...AND FOR THE LADY?
SHE’S GOING OUTSIDE TO EAT BUGS.
SHE’S JUST A DUCK.

HEY, I HEAR THAT GUARD DUCK IS DATING A NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK. I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE COULDN'T DO THAT.
I CHANGED MY MIND... I THOUGHT OF A FEW JOKES I COULD DO WITH HER.
IT MUST BE SORT OF HARD TO BE A CARTOONIST WITH SUCH LIMITED ABILITIES. SORT OF LIKE A BASKETBALL PLAYER WITH NO ARMS... OR LEGS... ...OR HEAD...
I GET THE ANALOGY!
...JUST A LONELY TORSO ROLLING AROUND THE HALF COURT LINE.